Posted by fxckfeelings on March 18, 2013
When you feel misunderstood or criticized by someone you really need a good relationship with and aren’t a hypnotist, warlock, or mob boss, you probably feel like you lack the power (or powers, or firepower) to find a desirable resolution. Still, don’t think your only choice is to figure out what’s wrong and try harder, or figure there’s no hope and walk away. Instead, ignore their agenda, re-approach the situation with your own idea of what’s best, and talk actively about it while refusing to talk about topics that have been beaten to death. The other person will either find it’s better to follow your lead, or, if s/he doesn’t, you’ll know you didn’t walk away without giving it your best effort on your own, regular-guy terms.
–Dr. Lastname
I need to figure out how to do better during job interviews. I thought I was fully prepared for the last one—I’d researched the company and was ready to discuss the experience and training that made me qualified for the position—and then they ambushed me by asking a series of probing, uncomfortable psychological questions about what I’d do or have done in difficult situations when I’m angry or in conflict, and I got tongue-tied. I’m just not glib or confident when I’m surprised or anxious, so I feel like I showed them I don’t have good self-esteem. My goal is to be prepared to handle anything they throw at me, so I can be competitive in a tough job market.
Job interviews always feel like performances aimed at getting people to want to hire you, but that’s really not the truth. That’s like going on a blind date with a guy who has Nazi tattoos and lives in a dumpster but worrying only about whether or not he’s impressed with you (and if you so much as live in a car, he should be).
While you certainly don’t want to stroll into an interview straight from a jog, with uncontrollable gas, or physically fighting a bad case of lice, your job is to discover whether you and the job would be a good match and to confirm that you really know what your resume and references say you know. Regardless of its pay or prestige, you don’t want a job you can’t see yourself doing. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 7, 2013
From “I can’t make you me,” to “You can’t hurry love,” to “You can’t force the funk,” pop music has done a good job of informing the public that you can’t push someone to fall for you if the don’t want to. Sadly, there are fewer hits about how you can’t really make anyone do anything, even if it’s to stop the mistrust and anger of someone you love. If you’re in that situation, you first need to figure out whether their feelings are warranted, according to your own standards; if they are, you have to worry less about changing their mind than changing your behavior to earn back your own (and their) respect, and if they aren’t, you need to figure out whether you’re just being oversensitive about a love that’s worth keeping, or whether you just can’t make it work. At least pop music has heartbreak covered.
–Dr. Lastname
I have made some mistakes in my past and unfortunately my girlfriend discovered them—I never told her about them because I wanted to protect our relationship, and I’m trying to be good. I don’t talk to other girls anymore and I avoid every other temptation because I don’t want to have problems with her. Now when we have arguments she always brings up my past. I tell her not to think about the past anymore because it’s over, and besides, we didn’t know each other back then, but she’s stressed that I’ll repeat my old behavior in the future and do the same thing to her. How can I prove to her that she’s wrong? I’m very in love with this girl and I’m trying my best to get back her trust.
To paraphrase the wise words of RuPaul, if you can’t trust yourself, there’s no way in hell you’re going to earn the trust of somebody else. Of course, as hard as it is to trust, love, or even just like somebody else, it’s even harder to start with yourself.
If you’re just controlling bad behavior for the sake of someone you love, you won’t meet that definition because you’re doing it “to be good”, which you won’t always be, or for the sake of love, which you won’t always feel. Plus, if you screw up, you might be inclined to but the blame on the person for whom you were trying to straighten up in the first place, which becomes a pass to behave even more badly in the future.
So if you want your girlfriend to trust you, you have to know you can control your own behavior and live up to your principles, even when you feel injured, angry, unloved, needy, or let down. It’s not easy to do, but it’s the only way. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 28, 2013
Between the scary finality of a legally binding union and the hysteria and excess that go into most modern weddings, marriage often creates a vortex of expectations, chaos and terrible bridesmaid’s shoes that suck in unwilling and innocent bystanders and cause others to run away from the process entirely, even if they should be at the altar themselves. If you find yourself getting sucked into marital mayhem, ask yourself whether your relationship, be it to the bride or groom or as the bride or groom yourself, meets your definition of friendship or partnership, not just in terms of intense feelings but also actions over time. Then you can decide for yourself what and how much you want to commit, regardless of anyone’s expectations, and use that knowledge to either gather the strength to resist the pull of marital-mania or jump in with both feet.
–Dr. Lastname
My friend is getting married on my birthday, but my husband has planned to take me away for that weekend, so it’s created a bit of a dilemma that goes deeper than just the wedding. This friend is an old friend from school who was never particularly nice to me—in fact, she asked me to be bridesmaid, but then changed her mind. My husband says I don’t owe anything but I feel guilty for not being there in her big day. My husband emailed her saying we would miss the wedding and she responded by saying we’ve known the date for ages and can we change the dates. I would rather go away but how can I make peace with myself over the decision?
Given how many labels we’ve created for people with whom we have romantic relationships—partner, spouse, boy/girlfriend, “it’s complicated”—it’s frustrating that, when it comes to platonic, non-professional relationships, the only word out there seems to be “friend.”
Because of this, you can use “friend” to describe someone you talk to everyday, and someone you are merely linked with on the internet, and someone who treats you as poorly as the “friend” you describe.
So, even if she’s never been particularly nice to you and invited-then-disinvited you to be her bridesmaid, she might still technically fall under the definition of friend, but her behavior, not her title, should have you asking yourself why you’ve imposed on yourself the obligations of close friendship. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 25, 2013
While sappier-types, producers of Lifetime movies, and Twi-hards would disagree, love and sex are, at their core, evolutionary tools that trick us into commitment; as the relationship progresses and the novelty fades, we’re left with something much less fun and sexy, but a lot more secure and important. If you refuse to accept that, however, continually searching for relationships based only on emotion or getting restless at the commitment stage, you’ll end up frustrated, lonely, and watching way more Lifetime movies than anyone should. If evolution gave us romance and love to bring people together, it’s the way relationships evolve beyond feeling that make them lasting and worthwhile.
–Dr. Lastname
I dated a guy for ten years, since junior year of high school. During the time we were dating I never felt like I needed a best friend– I had friends, but not a clique or group to call my own. I never could experiment with anything because he would get mad, so maybe I would have been more wild or fun if I wasn’t with him. He is very social, outgoing, and almost pompous, but never to his friends, just to people who were almost a little uncool. I think he’s a little uncool, because I believe he has a drinking problem, money problem, and low expectations in life, which as his girlfriend bothered me. Now we broke up because I cheated on him, but it’s been six months, and I want him back. He’s having fun hooking up with girls, and I get jealous when he goes somewhere without me. It hurts. I have friends who tell me to forget about him and move on, but I can’t. We hook up and it’s the best feeling when I’m next to him, but when I see him with another girl it feels like when we first broke up all over again. I know that he drinks too much and doesn’t have any ambition, and that it’s because of him that I never got to figure out who I really am or make any close friends, and because of that I don’t know how to cope with being by myself. Lately I’ve felt what I think are panic attacks. I don’t know how to deal without him, but I just want to get over him and be happy.
Like a drug, dating can be exciting and make painful feelings disappear, like loneliness and boredom. It can also make you into a huge Asshole.
Just as being an Asshole isn’t a pre-requisite for being an addict but addiction comes with automatic Asshole-status, dating for the emotional high can make you into an Asshole, even if you weren’t one to begin with.
If you’re hooked on dating the same Asshole over and over again, you’re in even more trouble, since Asshole-ism can be a venereal disease that can’t be stopped by hormones, latex, or the voice in your head telling you to leave this drunk loser for good. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 21, 2013
When someone doesn’t trust you, you’re left to wonder if they have a point, or if you shouldn’t trust them or their opinions in the first place. What helps you decide where to place your doubt and how to answer their accusation is avoiding the tendency to treat mistrust as a painful feeling that needs to be eased with talk and understanding. Instead, bypass feeing hurt and paranoid and apply moral standards to your own behavior, judging yourself and your actions reasonably. If you’ve been honest and reliable, then their opinion isn’t, and vice versa.
–Dr. Lastname
I know I made a huge mistake in the past and I have tried so hard in the last five years to make up for it, but my husband still has zero trust in me and I don’t know what to do differently. Back story– I got pregnant right after we got together in a time frame that meant the kid might not have been his. My ex wanted a paternity test and we had it done against my now-husband’s wishes. He still will not forgive me for proving the kid was his by letting the ex have the test done and paying for it (because my now-husband refused to do so and refused to let me pay for him to have one done, he insisted that if it were going to happen the ex needed to pay for his test). My goal is to get my husband to trust me.
Before condemning yourself for having sex with your ex-boyfriend, despite not knowing that he was about to become your ex-boyfriend and a then-stranger was waiting to become your husband, ask yourself whether you’re relying on your own sense of right and wrong, or just reacting to your now-husband’s/former-stranger’s feelings.
If you’re doing the latter, then you deserve a better judge. A present-stranger would probably do a better job, unless s/he’s found in the audience of the Maury or Jeremy Kyle shows. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 14, 2013
To paraphrase Keyser Soze in “The Usual Suspects,” the greatest trick mental illness pulls is convincing the sick person it doesn’t exist. Either through making you feel perpetually insecure or unbelievably happy and confident, mental illness’ true gift is preventing you from knowing you have an illness and thus blocking you or the people who love you from helping you. Acknowledging you’re unwell may be hard news to face, but it gives you two valuable gifts; the opportunity to manage your illness, and the ability to spare yourself responsibility for the feelings and thoughts your illness can cause. You may never exorcise your illness entirely, but you can learn to identify it before it limps away with your life.
–Dr. Lastname
I wonder if I could have OCD and if I should consider getting evaluated. I spend a lot of time going over social interactions and thinking about what I should have done differently. Often I get very silly fears about having hurt my friends’ feelings and need to apologize or get reassurance that things are OK, or asking my friends/husband for reassurance about things I may have done to upset/hurt someone else. I am constantly questioning my own perceptions and have a very, very difficult time making even minor decisions (like whether to save or throw out leftovers). My husband claims that I shower 3x longer than most people and thinks I avoid showers for that reason. I am very slow and meticulous at almost everything I do (gardening) and wish I was different. I don’t have any unusual fear of germs though I do work in a lab and sterile technique is a big part of my job. There have been times when a 1-2 hour task took me 3 hours because I was behaving so irrationally about sterilizing the instruments (and I knew this). Sometimes though I think maybe I want to have OCD because otherwise there could be something even worse wrong with me.
Your obsessive worries probably have a positive side, in that they make you very, very good at your work using sterile technique in a lab, but make you very, very miserable in the process.
While the fact that you hold down an exacting job and have friends and a husband to pester with worrisome questions means that your constant worries haven’t stopped you from doing what’s important, unfortunately, that support team hasn’t stopped your constant worries or the worrying about worrying. So, while being obsessive isn’t all bad and hasn’t impaired your life too much, it doesn’t make you feel too good, either. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 11, 2013
For people who suffer from mental (or almost any serious) illness, finding the right course of treatment is a lot like dating; the goal is to find a match that’s steady, provides what you need (even if it provides some minor things you don’t), and gets along with/doesn’t burden your family. The risk of side effects—not side effects themselves, but their risk—is like the risk of wasting time with jerks, unavoidable for almost every treatment, and weighing those risks against the need for treatment and its benefits is what makes medical decision-making tough. Since you probably wouldn’t go for an arranged marriage (or even a matchmaker on Bravo), you shouldn’t assume your doctor is responsible for finding a safe, no-side-effect treatment while you sit back and wait. Nerve yourself to do the research, face the risks involved and then give yourself credit for the required courage, no matter how many medicinal Mr. Wrongs you face along the way.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m glad my wife was finally helped by her third antidepressant, because she’s now a lot less grumpy with me and the kids and she no longer seems touchy and unhappy all the time. The trouble now is that she’s less interested in sex that she was before, if that’s possible, and it leaves me feeling frustrated and ignored. It’s sad, because we used to have great sex and it always brought us together, and now we’re under greater stress than ever and she acts like sex is just more work. I don’t want to sound like her wanting to have sex is more important than her not being depressed, but I can’t pretend her total lack of interest isn’t hard to deal with. Surely there’s a better solution to her depression, so my goal is to help her find it.
I wish I could tell you that the treatments for depression are surefire and reliable, but they aren’t. This is due partly to the mysterious nature of the brain, but also because no doctor worth his or her salt will tell you that any treatment is 100% effective, 100% of the time. Even Athlete’s Foot can be tricky (and also decrease libido, at least for one’s spouse).
That said, finding the medication and/or therapy to relieve depression is especially tricky, so it’s important to remember that whenever you hear the words “this treatment has proven effective,” what they mean is “better, on average, than nothing.” So, unfortunately, there may be no treatment better than the one your wife is now taking, even though it’s the worst for her sex drive. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 7, 2013
As anyone who’s loved someone crazy or addicted knows—or really, anyone who’s watched any non-duck or -storage related programming on A&E—some addicted and/or mentally ill people take too much responsibility for the impact of their behavior on family, and others put too much responsibility on their family for saving them from themselves. In actuality, your job is never to act on your feelings of responsibility until you’ve first observed, and then accepted, what you actually control. The result may suck, and leave you feel totally helpless, but you need never be a slave of guilt when you’ve done what you can with what you’ve got (which is hopefully more than basic cable).
–Dr. Lastname
My wife (we’re gay) has Tourette’s syndrome, anger issues, and a tendency to drink more than she should. I have Bipolar disorder, and an obliviousness to other people’s feelings that is sometimes intentional, sometimes not. My wife and I dated for seven years before we got married, so it’s not like we didn’t know each other’s diagnoses and drama, but most for most of that time I was well-medicated, held down a full time job with benefits, and felt like I wasn’t being my real self. Last summer my anti-depressants kicked me into a full manic break. “God” told me to start collecting camping/survival gear and move in with friends in my home state to work on a civil rights campaign and spend time with my family. We won the campaign, and I got some cherished time with two relatives in their dying days, but I completely f*cked us financially, and ruined my wife’s trust in me. She is adamant that marriage is forever, whether we’re happy or not, and we are going to make it work. I love her, but I’m pretty sure I’m an Asshole, there’s no reason to believe this won’t happen again, and if she doesn’t get rid of me I will ruin her life, whether I want to or not. She wants stability and kids. I don’t think I can provide those things for her. My goal is to reconcile my wife’s expectations with the real limitations imposed by my case of crazy.
As we’ve often said, the best way to know for sure that you’re not an Asshole™ is the fact that you even considered the possibility that you’re an Asshole™. Assholes™ may feel injured, but, since they know it was someone else’s fault, they never feel guilty. Sadly, as a non-Asshole™, you’re forced to feel both.
So just because you’re mortified by what your last manic period did to your family finances doesn’t make you an Asshole™ or a dangerous marital partner, even though that’s the way you feel. It just makes you a good person struggling with a bad illness. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 31, 2013
Unless you’re living in a Nora Ephron movie, breaking up is a painful ordeal, often for the dumper as much as the dumpee; while initiating the break doesn’t have same level of shock and betrayal as being broken, there’s often tons of guilt and paralysis, and everybody ends up spending lots of money on fatty foods, impulse electronics, and shrink bills. While there’s no painless way to break someone’s heart, wallowing in guilt never makes things better, so instead of trying to change feelings that won’t change or punishing yourself for having them, learn from your experience and do what’s necessary. You can’t control your heart but you can make the best of what it does to you and, sadly sometimes, to the people who love you, even if you can’t love them back. It’s what Nora would want.
–Dr. Lastname
Just over a year into my relationship with my current boyfriend, and a week after we had moved in together, I met a man at a month long intensive personal growth course. I was clear with him that I was in a relationship (as he was clearly interested and single), but the feelings developed over the month, especially with the work we were doing together in the class. It was very hard to say goodbye. It’s been exactly a year since that time and I have not for one day stopped thinking about him and the friendship/closeness/attraction that was there. I’m still with my boyfriend and have had doubts about him ever since. I know it’s really affected our relationship. I’m a person who’s always working on myself and trying to be better, growing and changing, where he is not so much. I’m trying to get him to be more open with his feelings, but I feel like I’ll be trying my whole life. I can’t help but wonder if I’m with the right person and have to stop myself every single day from contacting the other man. I don’t know if I’m just a crazy person with fantasies about a better relationship, or if I need to take a risk and move on (even though I’m terrified) – if not for the other man but for someone who is more sensitive to my need to share deep feelings regularly. I should also mention that my boyfriend wants to have kids and we need to make a decision as soon as possible as right now I am just stalling. This dilemma has me up at night and I think about it constantly. I wish I could just trust my gut feelings but I am so confused.
If you feel a prospective husband must be someone who’s also into self-improvement and feeling-sharing, then you’re right to worry. On the other hand, after some additional experience with feeling-sharing self-improvers, odds are you’ll realize your standards are a little wrong.
You don’t have to spend as much time around the feelings-ful and improvement-driven as I have to realize they make up a high risk group of people who are exciting to get to know and talk to—much more so than most people, including your partner—but then become changeable and unreliable in the long run. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 28, 2013
Everyone will tell you that there are valuable lessons to learn from bad experiences, but unfortunately, there are some valueless lessons as well if you misinterpret your misfortune. For example, some people read too much into their painful experiences and become afraid to take new risks, while others learn almost nothing and have to retake the lesson/get screwed again and again. The answer is not to sample your crises like Goldilocks—trying to find a response that is not too much, not too little, but just right—but instead, to ground yourself in values that help you determine what risks are worth taking, what feelings are worth keeping to yourself, and what’s truly worth learning for the future.
–Dr. Lastname
The end of last year I was able to stop taking my anti-depressants after about 4 years. I feel good, my drinking is in control (though I do sometimes feel the old instinct that, when I’m stressed, a drink will help, though after one sip I know it won’t). I’m free of my fear of going outside my apartment or with groups of people. I did see a therapist, which helped me so much, though we never found out what triggered my depression, so I have a deep worry that it might come back. I know there is no point worrying about something that might never happen (I fully believe that its just a waste of time), but I doubt my relationship will survive another ride on the depression roller-coaster as it was nearly destroyed the first time. Also, my partner is concerned as I hope to have kids at some point and my partner has read that postpartum depression is worse if you have suffered depression before. The thought of being ill again terrifies me and I want to avoid that black hole anyway I can. Should I try to work out why I got depressed before? Is postpartum depression something I should be concerned about what the time comes? If I can somehow prepare myself then I’m hoping that if/when depression comes knocking again I might be able to put up a better fight.
After experiencing and surviving the pain and repercussions of a bad bout of depression, it’s normal to fear recurrence, but that fear is often worse than the thing itself; that’s certainly true with depression, as well as heights, spiders, and gays.
In fact, a PTSD-like syndrome of anxiety is common among people who’ve survived such painful and intense symptoms, so it’s important that you pay as much attention to managing the fear of depression as to treating the depression itself.
It’s understandable that you want to figure out a way to prevent recurrence, but reassuring yourself that everything is going to be alright is as misguided as parents’ insisting their kids they can grow up to be whatever they want; whether you’re hoping to rid yourself of depression or reach the major leagues despite being a one-armed girl, the odds aren’t good, so don’t make the mistake of reassuring/promising yourself that it won’t happen again.
In reality, as with all problems, real consolation comes not from putting the trauma out of mind completely, but from knowing that, whatever happens, you survived the first time and acquired a lot of weapons you’ll use to fight depression if and when it comes again.
Of course, fear will tell you that you and your relationship barely made it, but the fact is, you did make it, which is a great accomplishment. Now you’ve found treatments that work and, most importantly, you know that depression is just a bunch of symptoms, it’s not who you are; it wasn’t personal and you weren’t lazy, just unlucky and sick. Don’t get so freaked, then, by the harm a postpartum depression might do to your kids and/or marriage that you forget that child-rearing and maintaining relationships is always risky, and that you have developed good tools for managing that risk.
Yes, you have a chance of having a post-partum depression, but instead of terrifying yourself with thoughts of that possibility, investigate what you can do to decrease the risk. For one thing, you’ll find you can take antidepressants, even while pregnant; their risk of harming a fetus is low and outweighed by their ability to protect you (and the fetus) from its crushing symptoms.
And don’t fall prey to the notion that because medication has risks, it’s automatically unsafe to take, or that you’re weak or dependent to do so. It means you have an obligation, as with any danger, to weigh benefit against risk by sizing up the chance that your symptoms will come back and deciding whether treatment is worth it. So ask your doctors (and do your own research) to inform yourself about the odds of relapse. If they’re high, find out what the risks and benefits are of taking antidepressants as a preventive vitamin.
Instead of letting depression persuade you that you’ll ruin your family by making your partner and children miserable, treat it like any other disabling illness that tests most families, sooner or later, and teaches them how to survive hard times. Get your arsenal ready for fighting the negative thinking that depression both causes and is caused by.
Don’t let your experience make you a depression-phobic; remember how well you handled that depression, take a cue from the gays, and counter that fear with pride. We’d gladly see that parade.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t think about depression without feeling overwhelmed by fear. I know, however, that fear distorts my thoughts and that my experience with depression has made me much more knowledgeable and better equipped to manage it. I will prepare myself and take any reasonable risk that will allow me to stay as healthy and functional as possible, regardless of whether it recurs.”
I don’t see how I can go back to working in my family’s car business because my brother is such a dickhead. I’m broke and I need the work, and my father doesn’t mind if I work there, but my brother and I have never gotten along, and the last time we worked together he was so insulting, day after day, that I finally picked up a tire iron and we would have killed one another if they didn’t pull us apart. I promised to bury the hatchet and keep my mouth shut—as I said, I need the money—but I was back at the shop for barely four hours when he started up again and I had no choice but to punch him in the face. My goal is to teach my brother to leave me alone, so I can work at the family business when there’s no other work around.
Most of us have an instinct to push back when we’re pushed, particularly if the pusher is aggressive and insulting (and a blood relation). No words are necessary and we don’t have to be in a bad mood—all it takes to get triggered is getting cut off in traffic or a dirty look from a spouse. Maybe this instinct helps us protect ourselves from predators by showing them we’re too much trouble to dominate, but more often than not it just makes assholes, inmates, and/or corpses out of everyone.
Unlike the woman above, whose depression has taught her fear and pessimism, you don’t seem to have learned anything from your many fights. Like her, however, your response is based on feeling, not reason, so it’s both about learning from experience, as well as restraining your emotions.
Your brain is obviously wired to fight back, so if someone pushes, you feel obliged to return the favor, even if you aren’t necessarily looking for a fight in the first place. Trouble is, once that instinct gets hold of you, it gives you no choice but to fight, and the results in the real world usually suck for everyone who isn’t a Hollywood hero. Tough guys get arrested, sued, betrayed, beat up by other tough guys, and, like the rest of us, old and too weak to throw much of a punch.
So instead of just following your instinct towards fury, ask yourself whether you want to satisfy that instinct or control it. Sure, satisfying it feels better in the short run but, you guessed it, always ends badly. Controlling it is hard, takes lots of practice, and it’s what the authorities want you to do, which may make it harder for you to decide whether it’s what you want to do for yourself. Until you control that fighting instinct, however, there’s nothing anyone can say that will protect you from endless fights with your brother and others.
Wanting to control it is no guarantee that you can, and neither is therapy. If you decide to control it, you will probably need to work at building your control day by day, one day at a time, like AA, getting religion, or a gym membership. You can call it anger management, but you’d be better off calling it humiliation tolerance and/or finding goals that are more important than insult and injury (like making a living or being a good guy) and reminding yourself about them, hour by hour. The only thing you have to fight is the urge to fight, and the tire iron won’t do you any good.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand to feel pushed around and I take pride in being the guy who never starts fights but who knows how to finish them. I know, however, that fighting always ends badly in an unfair world and I have goals that are more important than what anyone says or does to me, particularly if they’re assholes. I am proud of myself for pursuing those goals regardless of how assholes make me feel.”
