Posted by fxckfeelings on September 26, 2013
Sometimes it’s as hard to save a marriage from the false suspicion of infidelity as it is to save it from infidelity itself. That’s because people respond to marital hurt by trying to prove their love, which, after all, is what started the whole thing going, makes the world go round and supports the diamond and edible underpants industries. Unfortunately, you often can’t manufacture romance in an old marriage, even with jewels, Viagra, and clothes that double as meals, so rating your relationships by their emotional flame is a good way to generate additional marital doubt, conflict, and defeat. So, when expressions of love are not enough, try rating your marriage as a functioning partnership and source of acceptance. Then, when your romantically-deprived or -injured side goes looking for drama, you’ll know the real value of what you’ve got, and have nothing to fear.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve never had an affair before, but after 20 years of marriage and an only child in college, I started to feel like my life was over, and I needed an adventure. The problem is that I love my husband, who is a good guy and a terrific father, and when he found my email messages to the guy I had a (fairly regrettable) one night stand with, it broke his heart. Now he’s depressed and goes back and forth between wanting to be with me and asking me what it was like to be sleeping with someone else. I’ve told him I love him, and I really do, but he can’t seem to get over it and, even though I’m the guilty party, I lose patience and feel even worse. My goal is to get him to see I love him, because I really don’t want to lose my marriage.
As the old saying goes, everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die, and that’s especially true for most people who consider infidelity; everybody wants excitement, but nobody wants to kill their marriage.
Now that you’ve discovered that love alone won’t undo the hurt and stop him from agonizing for some time to come, it’s a good time to consider why he, and you, should stay married, apart from the sincerity of your feelings, given the fact that, at least for a moment, you’re capable of fucking up.
In other words, now that you’ve attempted to murder your marriage, is it worth saving or just pulling the plug. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 19, 2013
In the self-help-iverse, “limits” is often a dirty word, because we should all aspire to reach the loftiest heights or depths of intimacy. In reality, limits are crucial when setting both personal and interpersonal goals, but they’re especially vital when you’ve got a partly functional, mentally ill family member to take care of. In that situation, you will probably feel like doing anything to get him/her into treatment, including persuasion, confrontation, and threats of expulsion. In reality, your influence over the course of a mental illness is often, well, limited, treatment or no, and trying too hard to make it better can make it worse and drive you crazy. Instead of getting over-absorbed in efforts to help, get help yourself in figuring out the limits of what’s possible and respecting your other priorities, including safety, security, and the nurturing of others. Refusing to acknowledge limits is a lot easier/more damaging that learning to respect and use them to your advantage.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m married to a wonderful, unique individual, a free spirit who lived in a van for several years avoiding the world. After we married, we had a difficult couple of years, but then my work took off, and I got pregnant. My husband, already a night owl, turned into an irritable, stressed out insomniac who oscillates between manic episodes of ultra productivity, to sleeping for marathon amounts of time, missing appointments, being late for work, generally letting everyone down. He seems so resentful of me—everything I say he takes to the utmost extreme. We have been in talk therapy for three months, which has been pretty useless. The therapist has recommended my husband see a general doctor and a shrink about the insomnia. On a long road trip he started hallucinating and driving off the road. Sometimes he admits there’s a problem, other times he doesn’t. This morning, after another night of no sleeping, he screamed at me, collapsed on the floor and then crawled into the closet and passed out. I have asked him to leave our house until he seeks help, but he also refuses to leave. If I don’t pay the bills, he will be unable to. I reached out to his family and they keep saying it’s a marital tiff. He’s a wonderful man who is deeply troubled right now and in huge denial. I think he has some serious mental health issues which have been brought up by the huge responsibility of being a father which need addressing. How can I best help him?
You know that your husband’s dangerous behavior is out of his hands and in his mind. Unfortunately, there are lots of medical and mental health problems for which no one, including this mental health professional, has the answers, and this may be one of them.
The danger of trying to help him if it’s just not possible is that you’ll exhaust yourself and, worse yet, put yourself and your baby at risk from his symptoms. His illness may not be his fault, but that doesn’t make it your only responsibility, either. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 12, 2013
When anger is persistent in a relationship, it’s often impossible to clear the air and end hostilities, no matter how strong either party’s diplomatic skills are. Trying to air underlying grievances often makes them worse, so without heavy artillery or the help of the UN, your best bet is either to retreat, or, if you’re entrenched in the region, learn to live with anger while you decide, using your own standards, whether the benefits of a relationship are worth the pain. As long as you behave decently yourself, you have no reason or right to question your own value or waste time wondering what you did wrong. You do have every right, however, to go about your business and not let unfriendly fire lead to another endless war.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I are in our 50s and have two grown daughters that live with us in the suburbs. She drinks off and on and suffers from all the insidious side effects of alcoholism, as does our family. How can l give my wife the space she wants but “be there” too? She also suffers from PMDD and has been arrested and held for observation for reckless inappropriate behavior. She has caused physical injury to myself and her daughters. I’ve journaled on a calendar for the last two years, just good days or bad and two distinct cycles of behavior have emerged, one on a 28 day cycle that she’s aware of (still an asshole though), and the other on a 200 day cycle that’s horrendous and can last as long as 50 days or so. She doesn’t appear to have even the slightest awareness of how grossly inappropriate her bad temper and consequent actions are. Her need to punish and hurt, me in particular, is just bizarre. She becomes completely inconsiderate, disrespectful, obnoxious, and there is no approaching her during these episodes. I am isolated by the tantrums that occur if I reach out for help or comfort from friends or family. We can’t even speak to one another within our household or she feels ganged up on and, you guessed it, even more enraged. We can’t have people over, we can’t plan any activity or a vacation. She is completely unsympathetic to our agony and when (god forbid) we ask for a little mercy, her favorite response is “I don’t give a fuck!” Please help me.
When people feel torn apart by the nastiness of someone they love, they should always ask themselves whether their goal is to change the person who’s mean to them or change themselves. Since the former is dangerous, painful, and altogether impossible, the choice becomes clear.
Whether her problem is mood swings, alcohol, a bad attitude, or all of above and more, doesn’t matter; you and others have tried hard to change your wife and it’s clearly not going to work. So talking about her problem with anyone else, including me, a friend, or some other shrink, is the wrong thing to do. She says she doesn’t “give a fuck,” and in the meantime, you fruitlessly give all the fucks in the world. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 9, 2013
As any parent or even casual viewer of Teen Mom can tell you, babies are very demanding creatures, and with everything they need from parents, it’s sometimes hard for parents to figure out what they need—and deserve—from each other in order to work together. Whether a co-parent’s actions leave you feeling neglected or his words make you feel you’re to blame, it’s time to take a deep breath, put the baby in something bouncy, and use your own standards of partnership to judge whether your performance is good enough for you to be proud of, and whether his or hers is worth living with. Then, keeping negative feelings off the table, discuss the changes that you think would be better for everyone, assuming they involve behavior and not personality. Leave the raw emotion to the baby, because it’s not about your needs, but your family’s.
–Dr. Lastname
I am the stay-at-home-mom of a toddler. I live with my husband and our child in a highly competitive urban area. My husband has been the breadwinner by far since we moved to this city; I am staying at home with our baby rather than working to pay for childcare. To earn his paycheck, my husband works from early in the morning to late at night every weekday. If I am lucky, I see him for a half-hour each night; if our child is lucky, he sees dad for 10 minutes each morning. I am frankly amazed that this limited time with his family doesn’t bother my husband, but I have asked him many times, and he is fine with his schedule. We do not need him to earn as much as he does in order to get by, but he has set a goal for himself to work hard and retire young. As a result, that is the pace he has set for the rest of us. I am beyond fed up with the selfishness of that decision. I am worn out, lonely, and concerned that our child will not know his father. Furthermore, since we don’t talk, our marital relationship is starting to suffer. He doesn’t seem to notice. What can I do to get my husband to slow down and to see how his choices are impacting the rest of us?
Resentment, like revenge, self-pity, and labiaplasty, is one of those things that, no matter how entitled you feel to partake in it, is ultimately pointless and best avoided.
Even though you can’t help feeling worn out, lonely, and worried about your workaholic husband’s schedule, resentment is your worst enemy when it comes to developing and pushing constructive options. Now that you’ve let him know how you feel and he hasn’t responded, you’re doubly pissed, which makes it even more crucial that you stop that cycle now before it goes further. From this point on, the goal is to be constructive, not cathartic. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 29, 2013
Whether you believe in a particular psychotherapy or find the very prospect of head-shrinkery scary, don’t let the emotions that draw you towards or away from the therapist’s couch drive your treatment decisions. Develop your own fact-based procedures for deciding whether you’re fucked-up enough to need therapy and, if so, whether there’s a treatment that isn’t too risky and has a good enough track record. Maybe we’d all like the experts to figure that out and make such decisions for us, but we’re better off picking the brains of experts and then making treatment decisions, pro or con, for ourselves.
–Dr. Lastname
Please note: We’re taking next week off for a long-deserved summer vacation, but look forward to hearing about your back-to-school/work misery when we return.
How long is too long to be in therapy? I have been in therapy for four years now, and it has helped enormously. I went into therapy initially because of a trauma situation, but I don’t want to stop, even though I’ve long worked through that trauma, because I still think I can benefit. Still, now that I reached the four-year mark, I’m wondering, how long is too long?
If you’ve read this blog, you’re probably aware of our belief that the most important goal of mental health treatment is seldom to relieve all your pain; that’s usually an impossible pursuit, or one that just shifts the pain from your head to your wallet and your friends, who are sick of hearing about what you learned in therapy.
The better goal of therapy is to use it to figure out how to prevent that pain from interfering with the way you think about, and lead, your life, and lucky for you (and us), your question reflects this healthy priority. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 26, 2013
Dealing with a loved one who is fucking up his life or with his family who are the captive victims of his behavior is a lot like being held hostage and being your own hostage negotiator; it’s hard not to become both helpless and emotionally pushy. If you are careful to remember what you don’t control, however, you can give good, strong advice without feeling guilty about not doing enough or causing conflict by voicing blame. You may first need to get coaching from experts, particularly those who’ve been through the process themselves, before you can negotiate well, but, once you’ve picked up the skill, you’ll be as helpful as possible. You can certainly free yourself, and you might do much to help your captor, as well.
–Dr. Lastname
My 30-year-old daughter got married late last year to the father of her baby and they bought a house, have jobs and seemed to be doing well. I was concerned about the brevity of his previous marriage, his jealousy, his attitude to money and a niggling voice in my head, but I tried to be positive and support her choice. I put her unhappiness down to post natal depression until she admitted that he has huge debts, is a liar and a bully, and she suspects be is having an affair. He has spent all her money so she can’t afford a lawyer. Now his mother is getting involved—she covers up for him and called his last wife “evil,” but we have discovered that her experience was similar and that he has a long trail of debt, infidelity and general chaos. I am willing to give my daughter and grandchild a home but am going through my own divorce so it’s tough. My soon-to-be ex is worried but subject to the demands of his new partner so most of it falls on me, and we’ve already lent them money. How do I give support without taking over when my daughter seems overwhelmed and doesn’t take my advice?
Unfortunately, your daughter suffers from a very specific colorblindness—the kind that impairs the ability to see red flags—and now she feels very stuck in a situation that only she could not see coming.
Even as you swoop in to guide her through the aftermath, that doesn’t have to mean that you’re taking control of her life, though her dependence on your resources means you’ll have a strong influence. You can be a good teacher and firm manager and also respect her independence and choices; she’s not totally blind, so your guidance need not be absolute. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 22, 2013
Mental illness has many traits that physical illnesses don’t, and sadly, one of those is shame; that’s why, when dealing with mental illness, in yourself or others, it’s easy to pay more attention to stigma than chronic dysfunction. Stigma is the shame you feel about losing control, spending time in a weird mental state, and not being able to trust your judgment, while chronic dysfunction is the inability to do what you really need to in order to pursue what you felt was important before getting sick. In either case, what matters most is not whether you’re embarrassed or dysfunctional, but how well you respect yourself for dealing with whatever bad feelings, behaviors, or disabilities remain with you after you’ve made your best effort to recover. Mental illness is not easy to treat, but the shame that comes with it is easier to avoid than you think.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband isn’t happy with me, and I can’t say I blame him. I’m bipolar, and before we married, there were times when my mood swings made me a manic, exciting, sexy girl. Now it’s 10 years later, and I take medication so I never get manic. I do my job, hold up my end of the conversation, and act like a responsible person, but the chemistry between us isn’t as fun or exciting as it was in the old days, and I know it’s hard on him. I feel our marriage hasn’t recovered and it’s a burden for both of us. I wonder if it’s a mistake to stay married.
If your idea of your marriage contract requires you to stay exciting and interesting, then it’s like a TV show that depends on its ratings, and eventually, no matter how many cute kids you add, murder trials you withstand, or sharks you jump in water skis, ratings will inevitably decline.
If that’s how you see your marriage contract, I wonder if your husband is also obliged to stay attractive, interesting, and exciting, lest you find a better replacement to play his role.
What I suspect, however, is that what you both offer and expect in your partnership is more important than excitement, and includes being reliable, caring, and doing your share. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 12, 2013
Almost everyone—man, woman, and certainly fundamentalist Mormon—regards marriage as a happy ending and valuable goal in itself. It’s no wonder then that we’re reluctant to ask ourselves whether marriage is actually a good fit for everyone’s character, or whether some marriages are doomed despite lots of love and motivation on both sides. So beware of the sentimentalism of love when it applies to the unsentimental institution of wedlock. Instead, tally up the facts that come from actual behavior to determine whether marriage suits what one person needs and another person has to offer. If you’re looking to add a sister-wife, we can’t help you.
–Dr. Lastname
Now that I’m 35, I wish I could finally find a way to explain to my family that I really don’t want to get married, but they won’t hear it and think I just don’t want to grow up. It’s true that, for many years, I was out of control with drinking, drugs, and big lows, and I can understand that they don’t believe I know what’s good for me. But I’ve been sober now for five years, I take my work seriously, medication has stabilized my moods, and I’ve dated some nice girls I really care about who I enjoyed spending time with. At a certain point, however, I always start to wish they’d go home so I could do what I wanted to do, like reading or watching Netflix. I’ve remained friends with most of my exes, but I’d rather spend time alone in my own place, controlling my own time, and, while I love kids, I don’t want to raise any. So my goal is to figure out a way to get my relatives to accept my decision and stop nagging me.
It’s particularly hard to believe in the value of your own major choices if you’ve had trouble with substance abuse or mood swings, and even harder to get anyone else to believe in your major choices, especially when you make the choice to stay single and childless. Evidently, your history of addiction and mental illness is a good reason to second-guess your choices, but not your ability to raise a human.
Now that the worst of that addiction is in the past, you know that one of the great benefits of getting sober and taking time about your decisions is that you can actually come to believe in their rightness. In your case, you’ve got good evidence that there’s nothing wrong with your preferences; your emotions haven’t been controlling you, nor is a lack of good prospective partners influencing your personal choices. To paraphrase a wise, fictional Friday night football coach, you have a clear head and a full heart, so you can choose and not lose. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 8, 2013
In family disputes, the nuclear option isn’t sending a child to his room or your spouse to the sofa, it’s breaking a tense silence and dropping an angry “I told you so.” How four little words can express so much contempt, rage, and blame is a true linguistic mystery, but as phrases go, it can be a weapon of mass destruction. Instead of doing major damage by adopting the language and tactics of your enemy, choose silence, which empowers you to define positive goals and express them when your rage is under control. Then, when and if you do say “I told you so,” the words are disarmed; it’s your vision that wins and no one need feel humiliated or defeated.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve decided to leave my wife because I’m tired of always carrying the ball and cleaning up after her messes, which are frequent and horrendous, because she never seems to follow through on paying a bill or responding to mail and always pretends that there’s no problem. That means she’s the one who seems calm and says everything’s fine, and I’m the one who’s spitting mad at the late fees and legal problems she’s created, which makes my kids think I’m the bad guy. I can’t think of a thing I can tell them without expressing my rage at their mother, which just pushes them further away. Now they think she’s a marshmallow and, when she doesn’t keep her commitments, they’re sorry for her for being depressed. I think of her as a malignant marshmallow, but my silence leaves me undefended and I can’t say “I told you so” without making her look like a victim. My goal is to think of some way to break out of this prison of silence.
Being too angry to speak is like being too full to eat or too tired to move; it’s your body putting the breaks on, pulling out all the stops to save your ass.
Just as it’s better to put your fork down instead of inhale pasta ’til you puke or try to ignore your sleepiness and get behind the wheel, it’s often better to be struck dumb than to find a way to express yourself and explode your family.
You’re probably right to be afraid of the bad effect your words would have on your kids, even if your silence does little to defend you from looking like the baddie. Don’t despair, however, of finding something constructive to say. Just let your anger cool and compose yourself before beginning your composition. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 5, 2013
When someone attacks you because they’re hurt, you have no choice but to enter an emotional battle dome. If you care too much, you’ll feel cornered, attack them back, and you’re an asshole for being mean. On the other hand, if you back off, they’ll feel more hurt, and you’re an asshole for not caring enough. Either way, if you attempt retaliation, the situation will become “two angry people enter, only one sulks away.” Instead, develop your own rules for doing right by your friends and responding to grievances. Then, even if they can’t stop feeling hurt, you can do what’s right without acting more like the jerk they think you are, and leave the battle dome unscathed.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I get along very well most of the time, which is a good thing, because we run a business together. Typically, however, when we have fights, it’s not easy for either one of us to get over them. Recently, I said something she thought was demeaning, and she blew up at me in front of our friends. A day or so later I thought it over and apologized, because she was right, but she said that wasn’t enough and that she just about had enough of me. Then that reminded me of all the times she had acted like an asshole and I put up with it, but I don’t want to start the fight up again by reminding her of all those times and, at the same time, I hate that she’s huffy and threatening to leave. I was big enough to apologize, so she should be, too. My goal is to have a better marriage and not fight so much, which I think means getting her to play fair.
In a traditional shakedown, you’re offered your money or your life. In a partnership, however, the threat isn’t delivered in a dark alley but a well-lit bedroom, and it’s a lot more fraught; you’re offered the choice between your marriage or your pride.
It certainly would be better, if you’re sensitive to criticism, to have married someone who doesn’t hold grudges and isn’t too sensitive, but that’s obviously not what happened. Thankfully, your wife has other good qualities that have kept you together for many years and allowed you to be good business partners. Putting your marriage before her win, however, isn’t one of them. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
