Posted by fxckfeelings on April 2, 2012
When you’re overwhelmed with depressed or anxious feelings that don’t seem “justified” or connected to the usual events of your life, you first doubt whether you deserve to feel that bad, then doubt your sanity entirely. That’s because these intense, negative emotions tell you that you’re worthless and/or doomed when you’re not (at least, no more than anyone else), and most people assume their emotions must be at least a little right. In reality, symptoms pass and you’re never worthless or doomed as long as you can keep your perspective, so instead of jumping to dire conclusions when intensely negative feelings try to seize control of your brain, stand your ground.
–Dr. Lastname
I feel guilty for feeling like I might be depressed. I have no reason to feel sad (and that word makes me cringe because it doesn’t quite sum up the multitude of emotions that devastate me on a regular basis; desperate, useless, pathetic, oxygen thief, loser and plenty other perfectly good adjectives could cover it) and because I can’t justify it, I start to feel frustrated. I’m like an elastic band – one minute I’m the happiest person on earth and the next I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel, ready to drop where I stand and content to never get back up again. I’m twenty and so it might just be that I’m walking the boundary line between physical maturity and teenagerdom, where angst haunts us all. I’ve had difficulties with this kind of thing in the past—my dad died when I was nine and I developed anorexia shortly after and while I’ve since ‘recovered’ (I hate that word), I still have issues with the way my body looks. I tried to kill myself when I was thirteen for no other reason that I can remember other than I had a rope and a bunk bed and fuck it, why not? Obviously I failed and I’ve never tried it again, but now and then I’ll look up at my ceiling fan and think, “Why not?” And then I’ll feel silly and awkward. But then I’ll be driving down the freeway and think “one jerk of the wheel and I’m out”. Or I have a headache and I’m staring at a very large bottle of aspirin and it’ll be there, in the back of my head, whispering away. It’s not normal to feel like that, is it? Even if they are just passing thoughts, it shouldn’t be like this. Does everyone think like this?
When you find yourself with frequent feelings of self-loathing and an urge to end it all, the question isn’t whether other people think like this (not usually), or whether you should have to feel like this (should or not, you do, and that’s the way it is), or why you feel like this (life is indisputably unfair and some people carry inexplicable pain).
The question you should instead be asking yourself is whether you can find a reason to live, knowing that you often don’t really want to. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 29, 2012
Before we discovered communication as the solution to family conflict and misunderstanding, we knew better. Back then, people thought before they spoke, believed silence was golden, and had to live without remote controls. Communication satisfies a yearning, but if you think first about your goal before opening your mouth, you’ll usually discover that it’s good to communicate a positive vision and bad to share feelings before remembering how your first-degree relative will almost certainly respond.
–Dr. Lastname
After my son left home, he became very distant and uncommunicative. Then last year, almost ten years later, he finally starting calling me regularly, then opened up and confessed he had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I was delighted by his openness and thought we were on the right track, but now, a year later, I’m starting to wonder. What now happens is, after he’s gotten wasted on one thing or another for a few days and run out of money, he calls me up to tell me how bad he feels, how sorry he is, and how much he hates himself. I try to be sympathetic, but I hate to hear his misery, I’m tired of telling him he’s really OK, and I’m angry that he doesn’t stay sober for very long and doesn’t do anything about it except dump the problem on me when he’s feeling low. My goal is to see him get better, so I don’t want to cut communication, but our talks are not working.
Shared feelings can be a good step forward if your son knows what he wants to do with himself, other than share feelings.
Hurray, he’s discovered you’re supportive and not mean, punitive or critical, and sharing with you feels good. Unfortunately, that’s his only goal. You’re not reconnecting, you’re becoming his favorite hangover cure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 26, 2012
Cancer that doesn’t kill you can nevertheless leave you with permanent damage and fears, but if you feel it’s necessary to reverse that damage or stop the fear before life re-starts, you’re taking on a fight with cancer you can’t win. Instead, try to remember the values you care about that apply to anyone and don’t depend on mental state or performance—being kind, doing your work, balancing your commitments—and take pride in pursuing them regardless. Now that you’re lucky enough to have a life after cancer, don’t allow cancer to run it or ruin it.
–Dr. Lastname
I am a 55-year-old mother, grandmother and graphic designer who was so, so, so lucky to have survived lung cancer seven years ago! But somehow in the process it has frozen me and I seem to have forgotten how to live. I mean there are dim memories and quiet, inside voices that keep pointing out my life is passing me by but I am frozen from action and I don’t know why or how. A small voice keeps looping, “Let your light shine” but again, I don’t know how. I also have fairly active rheumatoid arthritis but it’s not a big deal in comparison to lung cancer. What it mostly has meant is that I haven’t worked full-time for a few years so money is extremely tight and I want many things; mostly to travel, to be able to help my family financially, get a small house of my own…I’ve always been told that I’m artistically very talented but in reality I produce nothing anymore. What is wrong with me? Can you give me any clues or even one small place to start from? I don’t want to be hopeless and I feel that I’m not. I do still have hope but I keep drawing a blank on how to begin.
Based on what you’ve said, I suspect that, like many artists, you never used to have a problem structuring your own time because your creativity always did it for you. Inspiration begets motivation begets organization, etc.
If that’s true, then what’s troubling you now may be that you’ve lost that capacity, either as a result of depression or chemotherapy or both. You can still be creative, you just can’t do something about it as easily as you used to. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 22, 2012
Regardless of what you hear on TV about the power of exercise, fish oil, and Xenu, none of us has much control over the way we or our loved ones die. We beat death, not by postponing the inevitable, but by sustaining our most important priorities—love and commitments—in the face of helplessness, pain, and impending loss. In other words, we beat death in so much as we don’t let it take over our lives.
–Dr. Lastname
I love my wife and we’ve had a great 30 years together but, since her cardiac arrest during a heart attack, she hasn’t been the same. What I really hate is that, as much as I want to help her recover and prevent her from slipping back, she doesn’t seem to want to get better. I know she has some memory problems and isn’t steady on her feet, but her physiotherapist gave her a good set of exercises. Instead of doing them, however, she’s happy to stay in our bedroom all day and watch TV, often blowing off important medical appointments. I get furious and find myself screaming at her, which does nothing but make me feel mean and cruel. My goal is to get her to do her best to recover, because I don’t want to punish her, but I can’t stand the idea that she’s making herself worse, and then I could lose her.
People don’t age and die because we lose our fight to live; we die because we die. Fighting is merely a protest demonstration and/or holding action. Understandably, you don’t want to lose your wife, but no amount of effort on her part will stave off death forever.
We’d all prefer to believe that love and determination could drive your wife to recover from her disability, and, under some circumstances, they could (most of those circumstances, as we’ve said many times, involve a screenwriter).
Unfortunately, they often can’t, and, if her disability is not treatable, persistent pushing could make you abusive and destroy the relationship that’s her most meaningful source of support. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 19, 2012
Everyone knows how hard it is to find someone to love who will love you back for who you really are, but few people acknowledge how much they’re willing to hide themselves in order to make a one-sided relationship seem reciprocal. If the person you’re with can’t deal with your faults, you shouldn’t make yourself deal with trying to be faultless. Better to end something with Mr. Right and be alone than stay with someone who thinks you’re just Ms. Meh.
–Dr. Lastname
I lost the love of my life by hanging on to her too hard, and now I’m trying to let go in order to get her back. We had a good relationship for 2 years and I was always able to ignore the fact that she didn’t love me the way I loved her, even though she sometimes shoved me to the periphery of her life. We spent lots of time together because we shared common interests, and I should have been content with that. Instead, I lost control one night and told her how angry I felt, and she said it’s over because she didn’t want more drama in her life. Now, when I run into her, I try to be friendly but distant, because I know that any reaching out will cause her to back off. My goal is to get her back, and I wonder whether there’s anything else I can do.
It’s relatively easy to get love started, but it’s much harder to sustain it, and even harder to survive it.
That’s because there are lots of ways to control initial attractiveness, from a slick haircut to an arsenal of clever pick-up lines. Once chemistry is established, however, no haircut can contain or control it. Even couples therapists have the same divorce rate as the rest of us. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 15, 2012
People often think the worst kind of craziness leaves you dazed, confused, and mumbling to yourself on the subway, but the truth is that there’s another kind of craziness that’s even worse. With that kind of crazy, you’re still aware of the date, can name the President, and keep a bank account, but you feel broken by the deliberate malice of those you should be able to trust. It feels like a legitimate reaction to life and individual people rather than an illness, but illness it is, and people who have it and those who love them must accept it as such if they’re to get any kind of protection at all from its corrosive effect on relationships and hope. Otherwise, everyone involved will end up feeling as isolated and scared as the ailing, mumbling subway-dwellers.
–Dr. Lastname
My psychiatrist recently told me he thought I was a borderline character disorder, which I know, from looking it up, means I’m an angry, destructive person who is probably not going to get better. What was also upsetting was the fact that the description of a borderline character disorder fit me, because I’ve always had trouble keeping relationships and I tend to cut myself and do other self-destructive things when I’m feeling low, which is most of the time. My goal is to feel better, and now I feel hopeless. The question is, am I really hopeless?
The fact that you’re asking that question, instead of hating the evil system of mental health clinicians for destroying your self-esteem by giving you a vicious label, shows that you’re not as hopeless as you think.
You have a good ability to see things positively and clearly, even when your feelings are entirely negative. That’s essential to managing the temperament and habits of a borderline personality (or almost any negative personality trait). That and admitting you have a problem in the first place. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 12, 2012
The problem with most of our methods for rating ourselves is their reliance on feelings; the pleasure of doing things perfectly, or the satisfaction of beating the other guy and pleasing your parents or the pain of being disrespected by the community because of who your parents are. Naturally, these feelings are often false, since we tend to feel good for the wrong reasons or can’t feel good because of reasons we don’t control. So, instead of letting emotions dictate when you’ve succeeded or failed, consult your values and judge yourself the way you’d judge anyone else. You can’t make feelings of failure go away, but when they try to lead you to negative conclusions, you don’t have to follow.
–Dr. Lastname
Compared to my father, I’ve failed to achieve much in life. He inherited a lot of money, doubled it, and was well respected as a banker and business consultant. Sure, he was also a jerk who was unbelievably nasty with everyone at home, but that’s another story. He still made sure I got a great education and went to business school, which he never did. I was fantastically lucky with my wife and kids and I worked hard, but I never came close to his success. Forty years later, I’ve barely got enough money to retire and I can’t help my grandchildren with graduate school. People think of me as a nice guy but not as an impressive businessman and I leave no great fortune to the next generation. How do I live with the fact that I’ve failed?
Somewhere in the human brain, somewhere near the mammal brain and the lizard brain, is the lesser-known marine brain. It’s the part that makes us, like fish in a school, define how we’re doing by where everyone else is.
There’s no shame in it, but there’s no reason to listen to it, either.
In the more advanced parts of your brain you’ll find your values, and they’re worth reviewing first, not just in order to be a good person, but to develop standards that protect you from being too fishy and comparing yourself to friends and family. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 8, 2012
On the pie chart of what goes into a healthy relationship, sex should never be the biggest slice; that’s putting the most emphasis on the one element of a relationship over which people have the least control. Besides, the fact that it can ignite all your circuits or trigger vast yearnings doesn’t mean it will find you, or make you, a good long-term partner. If your partner is loyal, caring, and reliable, then how frequently you get a piece shouldn’t take the biggest piece of the pie.
–Dr. Lastname
My 34-year-old husband is a wonderful, sexy, kind, sensitive, clever man. Fourteen years ago, however, he had a severe meth addiction that got him in jail. After ten years sober, he started drinking a few years ago, but, having worked in the addiction field, I don’t think the drinking is an issue at all, though I do think the meth has really screwed with this head. What he does have an issue with is intimacy and sex. We have a wonderful relationship so we’ve talked extensively about the problems we have—erectile dysfunction. He says that the meth fucked with his head sexually, and that it made it very difficult for him to have “normal,” i.e., non-aggressive sex. Before me, he found sex fine with women he was not emotionally connected with, but as soon as feelings came in, the sex became more difficult. Early in our relationship, sex wasn’t an issue, but as soon as we got engaged, and then married—it became very difficult. He’s warm and loving, and doesn’t want to be ‘aggressive’ with me, which means he can rarely get it up. We kiss and touch a lot, but it’s getting harder and harder to deal with; I feel rejected, he doesn’t feel like a good husband or a ‘real’ man, though I tell him every day how much I love him. When we do manage to have sex, it’s beautiful, but he rarely comes, and is rarely hard all the way through, and it’s infrequent. I definitely think it’s a psychological issue, and so does he. He talks about feeling massive anxiety and pressure that he will lose me, and this makes the problem worse. It seems this combination of our (new) marriage, his lousy job, and his past is putting a huge psychological pressure on him. I’m not sure what to do—do we go to therapy together? Him alone? What kind of therapist? How do I deal with this? I’ve been endlessly patient, I’ve snapped and lost my temper, I’ve reassured him, I’ve cried. I love him so much and I want to help him and us, and also make sure that I deal with it right.
The trouble with trying to fix sexuality by understanding its psychological underpinnings is that it turns an inability to perform into a personal failure. As we always say, figuring why something’s wrong isn’t the same as figuring out how to make it right.
Sex aside, you get along well with your husband, who seems like a hardworking guy with the strength of character to stick with a job he doesn’t like and stay off drugs. You feel respect and affection for one another. So far, so good.
In other words, you have a good marriage, even if he doesn’t have a lot of orgasms. Your relationship has the important stuff, so don’t give sex any more importance than necessary. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 27, 2012
There’s no doubt that the welfare of kids’ should come first when you think about the pros and cons of continuing a difficult parenting relationship; after all, kids are what what parenting partnerships are for, and your self-esteem will never be great if you know you didn’t do your best for your child. That said, it’s important to be realistic about whether your relationship will let you be the parent you want to be and what the optimal distance is for minimizing conflict and security threats to your child. No matter how you feel about love and intimacy, you made a kid, and now you have to make that kid come first.
–Dr. Lastname
Recently, maybe 5 months ago, me and my ex broke up. I thought we were perfect together but I found out she had sex with 2 guys while we were strongly involved. I tried to be her friend, but it was hard, so things kind of went back to normal, even though I still couldn’t trust her and still don’t. We don’t go out anymore, but now I’ve found out that she’s pregnant with my child, although the doctor said it’s just a 50% chance that the baby lives. If the baby does live I want to be there for my child but I don’t want to be involved with the mother intimately in any way. If the baby doesn’t make it I don’t want to have anything to do with her anymore, period. How do I deal with the situation if the baby does live? I believe that a family should be a mother and father at home together, but I can’t love the mom, even if I want to be there through every step of my child’s life. If the baby doesn’t make it, then how do I get over her and the fact that she hurt me by sleeping with other guys as well as our baby not making it? Should we try to be friends, get back together, or cut all ties?
You’ve got great values, which, unfortunately, generate their own kind of unhappiness. You’re right to make providing a good stable home for your child your first priority, but you’re screwed with a mom like this.
Unfortunately, you probably can’t have the family you want without having a partner who’s fundamentally different from your ex-girlfriend; a different woman with a different personality and a different set of values (i.e., values more like yours).
So, unless your ex somehow recognizes her impulsivity and sincerely wants to become a better and better-controlled person (not for you, but for herself and the baby), she’s unlikely to become a stable partner for anyone. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 23, 2012
Mental illness, much like the devil, performs its greatest trick when it convinces the sufferer it doesn’t exist. That’s why some sick people don’t believe they’re sick, because they’re too sick to know, while others fall into denial rather than admit they don’t have control and can’t get it. If that includes you, don’t worry; you can force yourself to become objective as long as you’re willing to accept whatever unpleasant evidence you uncover. If it’s a matter of a deluded brain, however, you can’t recover without relying on the kindness and common sense of family and strangers to deliver you from evil.
–Dr. Lastname
I believe what started out as typical empty nest syndrome has turned into complete paralysis. I’m literally stuck in my own nest! I know it’s strictly up to me to get myself launched, but I’ve lost all confidence in my ability to go/do/be well, anything. I think it’s more than simply “get a hobby.” I’ve come to the sad reality that my “friends” were really more like “bleacher/booster buddies” from all of my kid’s activities over the years, and now I find myself without any close friends, and no real interests. I was a stay at home mom (by choice) and had always planned to get back into the workforce once my kids got older, but MS sidelined those plans, and keeps me pretty challenged nowadays. I know I need to get myself back in the game, but my list of excuses as to why this is impossible only grows over time. I’m not always mobile, I’m not confident about how I look, and I just feel like I’m boring and have nothing to offer anyone. Since I’m already assuming nobody’s going to like me, maybe I should just go eat some worms…but of course that would require a trip out my nest, and…well, I guess you get the whole “woe is me” picture. I cannot figure out where to begin to ever break this cycle of negativity. Can you help me hatch a better plan than the useless one I’m currently sitting on?
Anyone can get into a rut, but multiple sclerosis makes it much, much harder to get yourself out. You might not realize this, but your empty nest is actually more of a sick bed.
MS not only makes you doubt your stamina and physical balance, it also frequently makes your emotions more intense, particularly the negative ones that tell you you’re useless and lacking in courage.
So, when your mind tells you that you have no friends and nothing to offer, that’s the MS and depression talking. Of course, it would be easier to tune it out if there were other voices to help you do so, but the negative thoughts keep you from seeking out new company, and so the rut deepens. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
