Posted by fxckfeelings on November 19, 2012
Normally, whoever breaks a marriage vow has first dibs on feeling guilty, but divorce, like marriage itself, is often a team effort. Often, what actually drives you away from a committed relationship isn’t restlessness or lust, but a deep and unavoidable flaw in the relationship itself. Once you confirm that such a flaw exists, don’t blame yourself for having mixed feelings; although good reasons probably remain for staying as well as going, give yourself a valid choice instead of accepting the guilt and taking one for the team.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: The next post will be next Monday, 11/26, since we’re taking time off for American Thanksgiving. We look forward to addressing your crises then.
I’ve made a mess of my marriage by cheating on my husband, and I know it. I wish I could stop, but sometimes I also wish I hadn’t let him talk me into marrying him—I tried to call it off, but he got suicidal, so I felt I had no choice. Still, it wasn’t an awful decision…he’s a good guy, we have great kids and a nice home. But I still find myself wanting to cheat, even though it causes him pain, I can’t seem to stop having occasional flings. These guys don’t really mean anything to me, but I’ve got to stop hurting my family. My goal is to stop.
You might not have a great marriage, but, like a sports team or boy band, a marriage is only as strong as its weakest member. That’s why trades exist, Justin Timberlake went solo, and the mirror is the first place to look if you’re searching for the source of your marital issues.
At this point, the burden of trying to be a good wife drives you into a bad habit that you’re ashamed of, so the worse you feel, the worse your bad habit gets. From a therapist’s point of view, it’s a gift that keeps on giving, but from your point of view, it’s a trap.
If you really want to break the cycle, your first job is clearing your head long enough to figure out whether you really want this marriage or not, challenging the idea that you’re at fault for its failure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 12, 2012
The problem with drug addiction isn’t just the physical toll of chemical dependency (although that’s problematic, to say the least). On top of the negative effect drugs have on your body, there’s the corrosive effect addiction has on your morality and judgment, which means damage to both body and spirit. It’s addiction’s endless quest for feeling good, despite doing bad things to self and others, that turns you into a bad person. So don’t think that quitting is just a matter of quitting; it also requires getting stronger and caring more about who you are, so being good means more than feeling good ever could.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband never credits me for the way I try to stay sober, he just focuses on the things I do wrong. He claims I trash his things when I’m drunk, and maybe I do, but I love him and I can’t stand the way he’s always angry at me, because his anger makes it very hard for me to get sober. He says I’m always lying but it’s just that I can’t stop myself from saying whatever will stop him from getting angry. My goal is to stop drinking, of course, and I do better when he’s away, but I don’t see how I can do it when he’s around and always angry.
As understandable as it is to care deeply about how your spouse feels about you, it’s dangerous to care more about such feelings than about what’s right or wrong in what you’re doing. In other words, while you may want him to be happy with you, trashing his things isn’t likely to get that result.
That behavior would cause most people to think, not that you’re a caring wife, but a terrible drunk who does bad things to your husband when you’re under the influence. At the same time, you’re more upset about the pain you feel from his anger than about the way your drinking hurts him or compromises your pride in yourself.
Lying and drinking are quick, irresistible reflexes for avoiding pain. Unfortunately, they often make life more painful, which leads to more lying and drinking. In the end, your drinking isn’t your biggest problem; it’s the way drinking has damaged your character. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 5, 2012
The problem with bipolar illness often isn’t the mood swings, though they’re no picnic; it’s the strong, powerful feelings that persist even when one is perfectly symptom-free. These feelings seem totally meaningful as long as you’re in-the-moment, which is where a bipolar person happens to call home. So, if you are bipolar, don’t think your friends or family are calling you childish, selfish, or crazy when they disagree with your extremely important plans. They’re simply warning you that you need to use a different kind of thinking—the kind that doesn’t come naturally—if you want to do right by your values. If you use your whole brain, not just the bipolar part, you’ll get results that will eventually come closer to where you really want to go, no matter where your moods or impulses try to lead you.
–Dr. Lastname
My son has been off his rocker several times because of bipolar illness, but these days, at the age of 30, he usually takes his medication and often keeps a job for half a year or so. The main instability in his life is his drug-addicted, money-sucking girlfriend who steals from him to feed her habit, forcing them to move from place to place because he has nothing left for the rent. You get the picture. I hate her because she prevents my son from crawling out of poverty and I can’t help him because anything I give him goes to her. Of course, the more I hate her, the more he loves her, and now they want to get married. Now, the punch line. He wants me to pay for the wedding, the way I paid for his brother’s. Of course I’m going to say “no,” but how do I avoid having another fight with him and driving him and his Princess Bride closer together?
Whether the question of how much to pay for your son’s wedding to his deadbeat addict girlfriend is one of etiquette, economics, feelings-management, or a mix of all three, the answer is the same: your job is to do what’s best for your son.
Luckily, as sometimes happens, what you want to do is also what you should do, but keeping negative feelings out of your communication is helpful to everyone, including yourself. So, while the question isn’t all about being polite, the way you deliver your answer is.
What you’ve learned from bitter experience, unfortunately, is that giving to your son causes more harm than good by feeding his fiancée’s addiction to both drugs and your son’s attention. You’ve got good reason then to feel angry about what’s happened, or likely to happen, to your possible gifts, and also to think that they’re not a good idea in the first place.
Your job, however, is to use this bitter experience to fashion a positive lesson, which you can do by telling him how much you’d like to give to him, if only that he could make good use of your resources, i.e., he could benefit from a gift if he and his girlfriend were sober, working, and saving. Without sounding bitter or moralistic, you can tell him your conditions, and that if they can’t be met, you don’t think a gift, or a wedding, will be good for either one of them.
Of course, he will probably disagree and accuse you of trying to control his life or punish his girlfriend, but you need to stick to your message. Whom he loves and wishes to marry is his business, whether you like her or not, so expressing your feelings about his girlfriend or marriage is a bad idea. Make it clear that you want to help him get ahead, and you’re sorry you can’t agree that this is a good idea at this stage. You’re just doing your job, and while there’s no further discussion, there are good options for him and his girlfriend if they can get it together.
Asking yourself to keep your disappointment under control is similar to what you’re asking him to do– what’s right rather than what feels good. Whenever he wants something, you have a teaching opportunity, both for him and yourself.
Your goal isn’t to punish or criticize; it’s to express how strongly you’d like to help him and specify the circumstances that would allow you to do so. Maybe he’ll push his girlfriend to rise to the challenge or, if she can’t, he’ll push her away. Meanwhile, you know you did the right thing by him and the family resources.
STATEMENT:
“My skin crawls when I think about my son’s parasitic girlfriend, but I know he can’t help his blind love. Until events free him, I will offer what I can and take pride in my ability to say “no” when necessary, regardless of how he feels about it.”
My wife’s bipolar illness usually makes her spontaneous and fun, so I’d have to say we have a good marriage and have raised great kids. (As long as she takes her medication, her mood swings seldom cause serious trouble.) The only thing that bothers me is that she has an obsessive need to collect high-end antique furniture. Since she has great taste and a good inheritance, her acquisitions are usually valuable and often gain in value, and she’d be a great dealer except she hates to sell one of her precious babies and doesn’t have a feel for the market. As a result, she may well wind up losing what we need for our retirement and our house looks like a classy version of Hoarders. Whether I plead or yell about her next mega-purchase, she doesn’t listen. In all other matters, she’s generous, hardworking, and loves to make her family happy. My goal is to save our savings from her love of beautiful things.
Given your sympathetic understanding of your wife’s love of beautiful furniture, you may find it hard to think practically about the consequences of her spending on your family. Nevertheless, that’s the place to begin; regardless of your feelings (see above), your job is to figure out whether the family finances are in danger, create a budget that will protect them, determine what your own area of control is, and use it.
Sharing your emotions about her spending probably weakens your effectiveness; expressing yours just stimulates her emotions, and they’re stronger and last longer than yours. It’s not that she loves you less than she loves her furniture (although, at certain moments, that may be true), it’s that her lust for acquisitions is stronger than her fear of your disapproval.
Once you’ve found a safe spending limit, however, you don’t have to share negative emotions. Instead, be positive about the pleasures of working within those limits, assuming she can sell as well as buy, and appeal to your common desire to maintain the security of your family finances through the next generation. At the same time, make it clear you will withdraw your own financial or other support in the interest of protecting the budget if she can’t control her spending.
Don’t let fear or anger control your actions or communication. If you’re forced to put up obstacles to her spending, you’re sorry and it’s for a good reason, and, as in the situation above, it’s from necessity and not feelings. If your wife accuses you of acting like a hard-hearted, unloving CFO, don’t change your message. You’re sorry she feels that way but you’re sure you love her, she loves you, and she loves furniture. You’re also sure that the best way of protecting her business and the family fortune is to work within a budget.
With luck, conviction, and toughness, and no pleading, crying, or fuming, you can probably win her agreement to a budget with firm spending limits. She may not like it, but she’ll probably agree that it’s necessary because of the values you both believe in, regardless of the value of her finds.
STATEMENT:
“As much as I hate fighting with my wife, standing against her views when I’m not angry is harder. Knowing that our finances are at risk, however, I will create a budget that is fair and safe and stand by it, for everyone’s sake.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 1, 2012
When a severe disappointment breaks you down, the pain is nothing compared to the damage done to the way you see yourself and your world. If despair sweeps away your most important values and relationships, it may leave loved ones with no way to help or save you from yourself, making repairs impossible. If, on the other hand, you retain some perspective and a sense of humor, you can fight the negative thoughts that flood your brain, regain respect for your own resources, accept the help that others offer, and rebuild yourself into someone better than before.
–Dr. Lastname
I have really fond memories of my mother until I was eleven, at which point she became a drunk. Before then, she was really happy and loving and had lots of friends, but my father later explained to me that she lost a job she was very attached to, felt it was unfair, and became very bitter. My father loved her and did everything to help her, but she didn’t seem to care, even though the worse she did, the more she hated herself. He finally gave up, left, and took us kids with him because she couldn’t care for us. Recently (about 15 years later) I heard she tried to kill herself with alcohol and almost succeeded. I’ve been angry at her, because we were once close and I tried to help her, but now I’m afraid she’ll die and I still can’t understand how someone as nice and loving as she used to be could drink herself to death with so many people around her who love her. My goal is to find some peace between us before or after her death.
Alcoholism, like severe mental illness, sometimes lets people develop nice, warm personalities and rich lives before it declares itself. Out of nowhere, it changes the way their brains process information and feeling, and turns them into self-absorbed ghosts of who they used to be.
The mother you remember may well deserve your respect, but she vanished after disappointment triggered her addiction, making her incapable of loving others or saving herself. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 29, 2012
It takes strong character to declare that you’re where the buck stops, but when the problem is a runaway 18-wheeler, taking it on looks less brave and more foolish. Good leaders should be willing to take responsibility and work hard, but if they don’t develop other skills, they’re in deep trouble, bound to be taken down (or run over) by pride in their own problem-solving strength. So if you happen to be one of those can-do, bring-it-on overachievers, don’t put all your faith in the value of hard work and responsibility before you learn to respect your limits and the greater value of working within them. If you don’t learn to pass the buck once in a while—be it at work, in your marriage, or in life in general—you’ll be the one passed over.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve worked for the same company for 25 years and I take pride in my reputation as a capable project manager who can always find ways to get good results on deadline and under budget. The last project, however, was terribly under-resourced and we just haven’t been able to satisfy all the people who lined up for our product. I poured my heart and soul into it and now I feel terrible, because I always take complete responsibility for any project that I manage, so this failure is mine, and I’m not too cowardly to admit it. I wish my boss would get me the resources I need, but he’s useless. It’s gotten me very depressed. My goal is to get through to my boss that he has to get me those resources or I’m going to go down in flames.
Sturdy competence, total commitment, and self-reliance are wonderful day-to-day traits in a manager, but they backfire in the face of The Impossible Project, becoming dangerous to both your career and mental health (and a gift to my profession).
No matter how competent, motivated, efficient and otherwise gifted you are, sooner or later you encounter The Impossible Project, like the great white whale. It will always be underperforming, over-budget, and overtime, and it will have no solution. The only question is, how many people will it drag down into the briny depths along with it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 25, 2012
Sometimes it’s healthier to be plagued by self-doubt than blessed by a sense of righteous self-certainty. Sure, self-doubt hurts, but it never has to stop you from making good decisions, just from feeling good about them. And while self-certainty is an amazingly good local anesthetic for self-doubt, it can also make you impervious to criticism or the input you need to make good moral choices. Take comfort then if you tend to question your decisions, because it’s better to feel doubt and think twice than to be too confident to think at all.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t make a decision without second-guessing myself a hundred times. Like, I recently decided to finally buy a classic car, which was being offered at a reasonable price (I’m a fan of the manufacturer, did my research, and have generally been planning this for a long time). When I found that someone else had offered the asking price, I put in a bid that was a good deal higher, and got it. Now I think the higher purchase price was justified, but I could have taken my time and tried to negotiate a lower price, and then I would have been more satisfied. I can’t stop thinking of what might have happened. I just wish I was more decisive and sure of myself.
There’s not much point in second-guessing your second-guessing tendencies unless you want to punish yourself for having a second-guessing-style mind, and that would be cruel (and confusing, since you’re fourth-guessing yourself at this point).
You may not like second-guessers, but here’s one truth you need to accept at face value; since you happen to be a chronic self-doubter, you’d better learn to be nice to them, because that’s what you have to live with. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 18, 2012
Assessing one’s self-esteem is like checking for Puxatony Phil’s shadow on Groundhog Day; while we have a long tradition of caring about its status, the results are fairly meaningless. After all, some people with strong characters don’t like themselves because they don’t measure up to high standards, and other people are madder at life’s unfairness than they are at themselves and underperform, not because they don’t like themselves, but because they care more about feeling good than getting strong. And of course, sometimes, it’s just cloudy. In general, it’s better to have a strong character, even if makes you kick yourself, than to see yourself as a deserving, entitled victim in order to break out of the rut of bad decisions and get out of Puxatony once and for all.
–Dr. Lastname
My 14-year-old son seems to care about his schoolwork but he’s unusually stubborn (the psychiatrist says he has Asperger’s syndrome) and he never does his schoolwork the way his teachers want him to. When they ask him to show his work in Math, he refuses, but he often gets the answers right anyway, just without any proof. When they ask him to do a draft of an essay, he just won’t do it, but then the final version he writes at the last minute is fairly reasonable. My son always feels guilty and angry, both for not being understood and not being able to do it correctly, and I’m worried that they’re not teaching him right, in a way that caters to his specific needs. My goal is to get them to give him better help.
You’ve been trying for many years to get your son to show his Math work and finish his preliminary drafts on time, and it just doesn’t happen. He’s had many teachers work with him and no one has found the answer. You’ve made an effort, and after showing your work, it’s fair to conclude “the answer” doesn’t exist.
In addition, telling teachers they need to improve is bound to make things worse since they already have the government telling them they’re responsible for their class’ performance, regardless of what those kids and their families are like. Holding them accountable for not getting results—the “show your work” of the teaching world—isn’t quite fair since you know it’s an impossible job.
Once you add your own personal “no child left behind” intervention, don’t be surprised if the teachers start to find fault with both you and your son in order to defray blame. Whatever happens next, it won’t involve praise or more positive results for anyone. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 11, 2012
Most people feel it’s their duty to help a loved one in need, but that instinct gets problematic when said loved one does not instinctively react with appreciation, or even satisfaction. When that happens, it’s natural to get mad, stop giving, and then feel vaguely responsible for their subsequent misery (especially when they keep blaming you for it). In your mind and theirs, to give or not to give seems like an inevitable choice, but not if giving something actually helps nothing; if you stay focused on giving what you believe is truly helpful, rather than on what they ask for, you can give the people you care about what they actually need without going broke or being forced to be critical or to betray your basic, positive commitment. At that point, regardless of whether they feel hurt, deprived, or grateful, you can be confident you’re doing right by them, your instincts, and your bank account.
–Dr. Lastname
My friends tell me I’m an enabler because I continue to take care of my wife even though she’s got a bad oxy habit, refuses help, and uses my support to stay high. I understand what they’re saying, but they don’t understand what would happen if I put her out on the street. She doesn’t care what happens to her—she’ll go without eating, ignore the kids, have sex with dealers—anything to keep her supply going. I got her to treatment a few times, and even had her court-committed to a 90-day program, but she never really committed to it. If I confront her, she flips out. My friends say my kindness is killing her and preventing her from “hitting bottom,” which is the only way she’ll ever get motivated to recover. Meanwhile, I’m afraid of her becoming totally dependent on her dealers and winding up with HIV or dead in the street. My goal is to find the best way to help her.
While you and your friends are both right in fearing for your wife’s life, you’ve all got it wrong if you think that love, gentle or tough, will work to help her, or do anything but backfire.
As your friends say, she can misuse your support to stay addicted longer and harder, possibly killing herself. As you say, if you throw her out or confront her, she may well destroy herself to spite you and/or prove that there’s no bottom that doesn’t have a sub-basement.
It’s understandable that you’d make it your goal to help her, but your efforts have only been successful in proving it can’t be done). Instead, work to avoid hurting her and protecting yourself while preserving her access to help. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 4, 2012
While we’re taught by our elders that sex is the greatest way a man can express his love and admiration for a woman (and only after marriage), experience teaches us that attraction can be fairly impersonal, based less on who you are than where you are, what your hair color is, and if you say yes. It’s odd then that people struggle to accept that a lack of attraction can be equally impersonal, even in a marriage, and that there are limits to how much it can be influenced by talk, wine, and roses. The fact is that there’s much about interpersonal sexual chemistry that you and your partner will never control, so doing your best to bridge the gap is the best defense you will ever have against doubt, blame, and feelings of failure. Losing sex can hurt, but if you know it’s not your fault, it doesn’t have to ruin your relationship or your self-confidence. Sex is impersonal, but commitment isn’t.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband and I went to couples therapy a few years ago, but it left me with a lingering feeling of bitterness towards him that I had never felt before. I know I tended to ignore him when we were busy raising the kids, and I understood he felt aggrieved that things didn’t get better when the nest emptied out. So I tried hard, at the urging of our couples therapist, to make time for him and try to touch him and give him pleasure in bed. What left me bitter was the way he responded (i.e., he didn’t). No matter how hard I tried, nothing I did was enough, so I gave up. I’m not going to leave him because I like our family life, I’m looking forward to retirement, I have lots of interests, and I don’t want to complicate life with a divorce. I wouldn’t have sex with him now, however, if he begged. My goal is not to get hurt again.
Hurt feelings can make one half of a married couple withdraw from the other, which can just cause more hurt feelings, etc., etc. Structured re-engagement via therapy can sometimes stop that cycle, providing that a couple still has love and effort to give. Then again, that re-engagement effort can also reveal that love has left the building or, as in your case, is stuck in a revolving door.
For your own peace of mind, you did the right thing trying to repair your relationship, regardless of whether it led to disappointment. Unfortunately, one of the things you can’t control is your husband’s emotional and sexual response, and while therapy was supposed to bring you together, it instead gave you a reality check. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 1, 2012
Most humans instinctively avoid conflict—in the face of hostility, our reflex is to stay out of it, hit the deck, or make a run for it, except when we’re dealing with family, when it’s much harder to escape. That’s when we feel obliged to wheel, deal, and peace-make until the situation becomes bearable. Unfortunately, if the source of conflict can’t be quelled or appeased, trying to make peace usually makes things worse. So, until you can figure out whether you’re responsible for breaking or making the peace, give up on finding a resolution and go back to staying both out of it and true to doing what’s right.
–Dr. Lastname
I understand why my grown son wants to rest up at my place for a week before letting his mother know that he has returned home after working abroad for a couple of years—my ex-wife is sticky, needy and manipulative, which is why she’s my ex—but I’m afraid she’ll blame me for keeping our son away from her, even though it’s his choice. So my goal is to figure out how to get my son to stop feeding his mother’s paranoia about me, which will get her complaining to our other kids, who will blame me. I wish I could get this conflict to stop.
Before worrying about your ex’s tendency to blame you for things that aren’t your responsibility, ask yourself what, as a matter of principle, you think your son’s responsibilities are.
If your son’s mother wasn’t so eager to cast blame, you would probably say that he should keep her informed as a matter of showing respect and letting her know that he cares. He doesn’t owe her an explanation for which parent he chooses to see first (when your parents are divorced, you can’t stay with both), but after two years away, waiting to contact his mother for a week would be hurtful to her or any parent, even those who don’t dispense guilt with glee. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
