Posted by fxckfeelings on June 26, 2014
Character attacks, like drive-by shootings and lottery winnings, never seem to go to the right people; sensitive innocents are often used as pawns (and attacked, and tortured) in battles between those close to them, and clueless and insensitive idiots refuse to accept any criticism as valid. Whatever emotional hurt you experience, dish out, or deny, your moral judgment of the behavior being criticized counts most in the end. Hurt fades quickly if you see no wrong in what you’ve done, and if you see wrong in the actions of others, what you do to avoid them is more important than calling them out and getting to their feelings, certainly if you have something of a drive-by nature in mind.
–Dr. Lastname
I feel ashamed that my weaknesses are opening my son to a vicious attack by his ex-wife’s lawyer. She’s a monster and her lawyer is trying to make my husband and I look like we’re incompetent and even dangerous grandparents when it comes to caring for their kids. His ex-wife’s lawyer told the judge that, because I’ve been hospitalized for mania and alcoholism, I shouldn’t be allowed to care for my grandchildren, and then demanded my medical records. I can’t defend myself, because it’s true, even though I’ve been sober and doing well for the past year and have never endangered those kids. My goal is not to let my illness jeopardize my son’s custody of his kids or prevent me from helping him care for them.
If there’s anything positive you can take from the experience of being attacked in court for having mania and alcoholism, it might be that, as a grandparent, you’ve been given the chance to feel like a kid again; specifically, like a child being attacked in the schoolyard for something you can’t help but are sensitive about. Everyone laughs, it hurts, and the bully gets a win.
Since you are an adult, however, and not a nervous little kid, you can recognize that, just because you’re ashamed of something, and someone attacks you about it, doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. Unfortunately, bullies often grow up to be Assholes™, and some of those Assholes™ trick nice men into marrying them (or just get law degrees). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 5, 2014
The need to talk out a problem is one of those unfortunate instincts, like walking off an ache or steering out of the skid, that’s intended for survival but is more frequently sabotage. If somebody doesn’t want to talk out a conflict, either because they can’t own up to it or just don’t want to, you should resist the urge to press for negotiations and take a moment to ask yourself whether talking would actually help, or just stir up trouble. Most of the time, it’s better to shut up and make the best of flawed relationships, because usually, if somebody refuses to talk it out, they’re not being difficult, they’re doing you a favor.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been very supportive with my brother when he was first getting sober, which is why I was so surprised and hurt when he recently attacked the way I manage the family business, which he usually has very little to do with. He implied I’d been keeping him in the dark and cheating him out of his share. I kept my cool and decided to just let it lie and wait for him to come to me calmly, and now it’s a month later and he’s acting like nothing happened. Looking back, I know he’s done this before–attacked me verbally, then forgot about it entirely, including apologizing—but I don’t see how we can be friends if we don’t have a talk about this and try to clear the air. My goal is to try to get through to him this time, because I can’t tolerate this level of nastiness.
Since you know your brother’s habit of venting and vanishing all too well, perhaps it’s time to see your brother’s behavior as less temperamental, and more like a version of Tourette’s Syndrome. It’s not a nice habit, but it certainly isn’t personal.
After all, you and others have tried and failed to get him to see that he has nasty spells hurt people and drive them away. For you, it means you can never fully trust him or let down your guard. For him, it means he’s always going to be damaging relationships and there’s nothing that friends or shrinks can do about it. If he could keep his venom to himself, he would, but the venting is beyond his control. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 29, 2014
Much is made of the Mama/Papa-bear protective instincts that so many humans purportedly have—that blind drive that kicks in for parents when their kids are in danger—but even if said bear instinct is real, it has a “Three Bears” quality. Some parents protect too much, others protect too little, and only a fraction provide a protection level that’s “just right.” In any case, before helping or not helping your kids, ask yourself whether it’s going to make them stronger or just stir the pot (of porridge) further, because frequently, the only person you can protect is yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always encouraged my kids to deal with their own problems when they felt someone treated them unfairly, but I was really upset, recently, when the young daughter of old family friends, who was rooming with my daughter (they were acquaintances, not friends), refused to pay for the parking tickets she got when she borrowed her car. She said she didn’t notice any tickets, and maybe somebody removed them, but they clearly happened at the time she had the car and the places she took it. After my daughter got nowhere, she wrote the girl’s parents, feeling that they would not want to leave a debt like this unpaid, but they took their daughter’s side. Now I want to write my old friends to let them know I think this is unfair and a poor lesson for their daughter, but everyone else (my husband, even my daughter) says I should just leave it alone. My goal is to show my daughter that it’s important to stand up to injustice and let people know that they can’t get away with shit like this.
Most people assume that close family friends share their values, but in this case, your friends’ values appear to stay within the family—they agree with their daughter, not you—and this is a family that might as well share values with the Sopranos.
Your daughter was able to assert herself and make it clear to both her former roommate and her parents why she thought she should pay for the parking tickets. Given their reaction so far, adding your voice to hers is unlikely to get the fines paid or change how this family tends to see themselves, just annoy them into retaliation, which could take you to court/the mattresses. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 22, 2014
When we say, as we often do, that communication is overrated, we’re referring to touchy-feely emotional purges, not basic verbal interaction. Being able to get a reliable, understandable answer to your questions and ideas is essential in life, which is why it’s so infuriating when you either can’t get through to someone who can’t hear what you’re trying to tell them or get an honest response from someone who just says what you want to hear. In either case, trying harder to get through by expressing that frustration will probably do you no good. Instead, watch carefully to see where the message gets lost and then decide whether what you need is to alter your language or give up on words. In either case, you’ll be more effective at getting your message across while keeping emotions at bay.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: We’re taking Monday off for Memorial Day here in the US, so keep serving us up your problems while we remember those who have served our country.
My son is serious about being a massage therapist and he’s starting to get paying referrals, but I can’t get a straight story out of him when I ask him how much he needs to live on and when he thinks he’ll have enough to move into his own place. I know he’s always had trouble giving people a straight answer—he struggled with word problems in Math, and his English papers often failed to answer whatever question the teacher had in mind—but it gets me pissed off when all I want is a simple business plan, including how much he needs to make, how much he expects to earn per hour, and how many billable hours he thinks he can get. Instead of giving me facts, he tells me he’s pleased and optimistic and happy with the way things are turning out. My goal is to get the facts out of him without screaming at him.
Despite all the strict rules of grammar and structure, everyone knows there’s no one way to speak any one language; regional dialects and accents create thousands of variations (in New England alone, there are at least five different ways to say “garage”).
What few people realize is that, even when speaking to someone in a language/dialect they understand in the plainest way possible, there’s more than one way to hear and interpret what’s being said. Especially if you’re speaking to someone whose brain, as in this case, has a bad track record of interpreting words in general. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 15, 2014
Whether it’s wealth, wine, or just white meat chicken, life’s perks are harder to enjoy when they have a dubious source. This is especially true with money that comes from someone else’s generosity, so it’s natural to promote financial independence, either by giving criticism or praise, especially if that generous someone is you. Unfortunately, being financially dependent is a lot like being a caged hen—it’s often beyond your control—so your attempts to promote it may cause or worsen feelings of failure. Instead of trying to change financial dependence when you can’t, ask yourself what people can do to manage it most effectively. Then you’ll be ready to respect what people do with financial dependence, even if it takes a long time for the dependent party to ripen/become free-range.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stand the sad way things have turned out for my daughter, and my life is no better. She had kids, got depressed, lost her marriage and most custody, and lives a marginal life because she can’t get it together to find work. I help her out as much as I can, but I’m not as good with kids as my late wife was, plus the grandkids have special needs. The result is that my daughter doesn’t have a decent place of her own, the grandkids have all kinds of unsolved problems, and I’m going broke. I feel we’ve all failed to do the only thing that matters, which is to help our kids, and I remind my daughter how badly I think things have turned out, and how much she needs to change if things are ever going to get any better, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. My goal is to find a way to turn this disaster around.
Depression is a terrible disease that can sap your energy and scramble your brain’s ability to get organized, so it can have a devastating effect on a person’s ability to be a parent or hold a job. While medications, talk therapy, and other treatments don’t necessarily help, too-tough love can actually make things worse.
Through the filter of a depressive mind, your “come to Jesus” talks may be interpreted as “go make a living, loser” lectures.
If she is making an effort—and, since you’ve been trying to help and push her for many years, it’s a safe assumption that she is—focusing on failure isn’t fair, disrespects your contributions, and may interfere with good planning. Nobody wants her to pull herself up by her bootstraps more than she does, but her depression’s opposing pull seems to be stronger. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 8, 2014
When you can’t stop fucking up, it doesn’t always make a difference whether you acknowledge your fuckuppery or not. Wanting to stop yourself gives you incentive to change and that, plus lots of time, work, and management of all kinds may do the trick, but there are no guarantees. Knowing you’re right/having no clue you’re actually fucking up gives you no incentive to change, so there’s no need for anyone around you to try to help since you are who you are. In either case, accept what you can’t change, whether it’s obvious from the beginning or becomes evident through failed efforts. You don’t have to be down on yourself or someone else just because of an un-shake-able fuck-up status.
–Dr. Lastname
I get into terrible moods where I can’t stop myself from saying nasty things to my mother and sometimes throwing things across the room, so I agreed to see a shrink. She tells me I have a mood disorder and maybe an anxiety disorder, and I’ve had a bunch of sessions, but so far nothing stops my anger and when it kicks up I can’t stop myself from being horrible to everyone around me. Some mornings I can’t get to school, but I usually get there and get enough work done to be passing. Since my behavior is OK at school though, I wonder why I can’t control myself at home. I don’t want medication that will turn me into a zombie, but I don’t want to be a monster, either. I hate being this way. My goal is not to be a jerk.
After you give someone a load of verbal garbage or even a lingering smack to the face, it sounds pretty lame to say, “My bad mood made me do it.” If every cranky person became violent, your average rush hour would be a bloodbath.
The truth, however, is that, for some people, a bad mood can push unbelievably hard. For instance, the most obnoxious and provocative people out there aren’t political pundits or drunken tailgaters, but some of the crazy-manic patients in your local hospital.
That said, after medication starts working and the episode ends, so does their cruelty, but that’s the nature of moods and madness. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 28, 2014
Everybody knows that parenting is a tough job, but like any job, you do it because you have to, regardless of whether you feel like it (and when your children are toddlers and teens, you often feel like throwing them off a bridge). What fewer people know is that having parents is also a job, so no matter how much you feel like staying away or sticking permanently by their sides, you have to consult your basic principles and figure out what you need, not want, to do. Give weight to the time and energy a parent invested in the job of parenting you, even if they couldn’t do it well, and don’t make yourself responsible for pain you can’t ease. You may not be able to ration your time in a way that feels right, but you can always do it right by your standards, and do your job right, whether they did their job or not.
–Dr. Lastname
I was getting coffee with a friend recently and when it hit me—and it hits me quite often—that I am going to have to see my father in the very near future, and whenever it hits me, I have an anxiety attack. My relationship with my father is basically nonexistent…I don’t like him, how he behaves, or what he says because he always makes me feel bad about myself and always has, but I don’t hate him, I think? I don’t know if it’s my fault that I feel this way, because I’ve tried to have a good relationship (my parents split when I was very young), but maybe not hard enough. I just don’t like being around him or talking to him. Anyway, when I was getting coffee with my friend I was complaining about the fact that my dad is coming to visit me and she said I shouldn’t feel that way. She told me how one of her friend’s parents committed suicide and that I should feel lucky to have him, even though I don’t like him. When she told me this, I didn’t actually feel anything, and if he died, I don’t know if I would feel anything, either. I don’t know if I should try to make a better relationship with him and try to numb myself to his manipulative victimization or if I should just maintain this distance and feel like a jerk when I don’t reply to his texts.
Since you and your father seem to have unfinished (maybe unfinishable) business, try seeing your relationship through a business lens. It’s like a family lens in that it enhances positive engagement, but with extra filters to block out all the messy emotional stuff.
When you strip away the crazy feelings, you get to use the same approach as customer service; positive interactions that promote business-like behavior, within defined boundaries, no negatives allowed. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 21, 2014
We’re all familiar with the ol’ break-up mantra, “it’s not you, it’s me,” which can also apply when you’re having repeated issues with a loved one. Sometimes, however, it’s worth considering whether it’s not you, but them; sure, sometimes there’s nothing wrong in a relationship other than the feelings they leave you with, but other people who look normal have subtle problems that can’t be changed. Instead of responding to your instincts about normality, weirdness, and responsibility, learn to accept your observations, discount your feelings, and think hard about where you think things need to go. Then you’re much more likely to come up with action or non-action plans that will best serve your needs, and turn them and you into a more functional “us.”
–Dr. Lastname
My ten-year-old daughter is sloppy about her homework, but I don’t let her watch TV until she’s done it properly, so it’s past her bedtime so she never gets to watch her programs and she’s mad at me. At that point I’m mad at her, because I don’t like being the evil mother and she could easily do her homework in a fraction of the time if she was just a little more careful in the first place. Her teachers also say she blurts out answers before she thinks and makes herself look foolish. My goal is to get her to take care with her homework and get it done properly the first time, so we don’t have to struggle through the rest of the evening.
Both you and your daughter seem dedicated to getting through this homework situation, as evidenced by the fact that you’ve both made the ultimate sacrifice; you’ve given up your precious evening relaxation hours, and she’s given up prime time television.
What you need to ask yourself, however, is whether her sloppiness and foot-dragging are due to low motivation and stubbornness or a glitch in the way she learns new information, because your sacrifices—your time on the couch with wine, her “Vampire Diaries”—may be in vain if her brain doesn’t do homework well and she’s feeling like a failure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 7, 2014
Love and/or laughter might be so-called universal languages, but they still require some sort of verbal communication. Hate and criticism, on the other hand, must be intergalactic languages, because, in couples especially, someone can be ripped to shreds without anyone saying a word. In any case, whether you express them openly and verbally or just quietly roll your eyes, negative feelings have a way of chain-reacting in a marriage. Few good marriages don’t have at least a bit of it, but too much can be explosive, especially when two emotional people are expressive at the same time. So, whether your spontaneous criticism is loud or quiet, try to balance it with some of that universally spoken love through deliberate praise and appreciation. That’s why most good marriages are not just a reflection of spontaneous loving chemistry, but also hard work and carefully chosen words of all kinds.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I spent years running our own restaurant and, though we both have strong opinions, we usually worked together pretty well. Recently, however, we got bought out by a larger restaurant group and hired by them as consultants to start a new place from scratch. The problem is, I just don’t like her vision of how it should be done, from the location to the menu. I think my own format is more exciting, cheaper, and easier to do, but she doesn’t agree. I’m afraid her plan will cost too much and get us into trouble. My goal is to get her to see the flaws in her plan before it’s too late and we lose everything we’ve worked for.
There are lots of decisions, small and large, that go into putting together a new restaurant—the color of the napkins, the cuisine, the shape of the forks—but before you make any more choices involving fusion or flatwear, you must decide what’s more important: your marriage or your vision for the restaurant.
Of course, if you and your wife are still talking after having worked closely together for years, you might think it’s easy to have both, but then you have to remember that two people with strong tastes and opinions, faced with an open opportunity to create their dream restaurant, may have a hard time finding middle ground.
So face the worst-case scenario of not reaching agreement on your dream restaurant and having to accept a plan B that is less satisfactory to your standards, but more satisfactory to your vows. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 31, 2014
Sometimes those who are responsible for nurturing others don’t know how to crack the whip, and those who are responsible for whipping people into shape don’t know to drop the whip because they’ve cracked a little themselves. In any case, before you wield any weapon or argument, know where your responsibilities end and others’ begin. Once you know those boundaries, you’ll have no guilt about expecting others to do their job or letting yourself off the hook for jobs that aren’t yours, and find that you’ve whipped your priorities into shape.
–Dr. Lastname
I know my husband can’t help being mentally ill with depression and I think it’s important for family to stick together, particularly for the kids, but the latest crap he and my son are pulling is driving me crazy. While my husband was driving my son to work (my husband never works, which is another story), they get into a terrible fight over nothing (not unusual, they both have bad tempers). My son then grabs the wheel, so my husband, convinced our son was trying to kill him, has our son arrested without telling me. Now, remember, my son is the one who is working and doesn’t get into trouble, and my husband is the guy who does nothing but see his doctor and sit on the couch watching TV, but if I tell him he’s caused us a lot of trouble and expense that we can’t deal with and that he should have spoken to me first before going to the police, he’ll tell me I don’t know how to set limits on our son, and I just don’t want to hear it. I’m ready to kill both of them, particularly my husband, but before I do that I have to figure out whether my son will need a lawyer and how we’re going to afford it. My goal is to figure out how to survive with such a crazy, fucked-up family.
There’s a sort of physics to marriage; with every aggressive, crazy (or morbidly obese, or nasty) partner there is an equally sane, passive (or stick thin, or sweet) partner. While congrats are in order for being the sane one, the passive part means you seem too willing to accept helplessness than to consider your options.
No, you can’t change your husband or persuade him to work, think or consult you before he acts, or control his temper, but you have the power that accrues to functional, responsible people over time. If you learn to use it, the laws of science won’t be disrupted, and nobody will have to call the law itself. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
