Posted by fxckfeelings on January 13, 2014
Ironically, the two simplest ways to make a problem worse are also entirely contradictory; you can give the problem too much attention, or pretend it doesn’t exist. That means the ideal, middle ground is finding the courage to admit you have a problem, particularly if it’s stigmatized, then summoning the additional courage to put it out of your mind after doing your best to manage it. It’s not a simple process, but it is the best way to ensure that you both face your problem and not let it take over your life.
–Dr. Lastname
I was just told recently that I have ADD. Lately, I’ve been wondering if my brain has other irregularities (I’m pretty sure it does, I can barely do basic f*cking math). I try to bring it up to my relatives, if I maybe have other learning disabilities, but they say it’s genes or it’s just my ADD. I end up feeling like a hypochondriac or just plain crazy. I guess my point is, how do I go about trying to convince my relatives that maybe there is more to know and get their support? Although even asking that is making me feel like a hypochondriacal nut-job.
Contemplating your brain can be just as useless as contemplating your navel; although the latter is usually a euphemism for useless, time-wasting self-involvement, aimlessly exploring any body part is a huge waste of time.
Obsessing over a disability can make you feel helpless and inadequate, so before trying to learn more about your brain, ask yourself why you want to know. If you need to know more about your brain problems in order to manage them better, more power to you. Otherwise, accept the ways your brain is broken and find a work-around. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 23, 2013
As emotions go, guilt is often the most devious; it’s very good at tricking us into believing we’ve done something wrong, when we know we haven’t. It’s so slick that you can feel guilty for not feeling guilty in the first place. That’s why guilt is a terrible barometer for whether or not you’ve made a good or bad decision; sometimes the right choice makes you feel wrong and the wrong one righteous, at least in the short run. If you think of values and consequences, however, as well as needs, you’ll usually come up with a choice you won’t feel guilty about being proud of.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: We’re taking Thursday off, so please have a great Boxing Day without us.
I’m a medical doctor—I graduated three years ago and did extremely well in my school. But then I broke up with my boyfriend, and for a while, I hated myself very much for it. Coupled to it was the death of one of my closest relatives. I turned lethargic, did not want to function, never talked to anyone and was alone. Finally I managed to get into a job not at all related with medicine, but for the past few months, I have been experiencing severe guilt about my decision. At the same time I don’t feel active or ready enough to put in the hard work necessary to go back to medicine. At least this feeling is welcome as I am finally feeling something. I have stopped trusting any guy and don’t want a relationship, but I’m consumed by this feeling of guilt. Unfortunately I also have a bit of narcissism, I feel that I m more intelligent than most of the people I meet, and so did not visit any counselor either. I just want to know if you have any suggestions on how to conquer my guilt and lethargy.
Even with support from a very nice therapist, all the insight in the world, and/or a job in the medical profession, guilt and lethargy often hang around as long as they want. You could find cures for cancer, bad boyfriends, and even depression, but still feel guilty that it took you so long, guilt is that insidious.
The way to conquer those symptoms is to prevent them from affecting your beliefs about yourself and the world. Up until now, it seems the symptoms have been brainwashing you into feeling like a hateful, worthless failure instead of a smart medical school graduate with an unlucky personal life. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 16, 2013
While the “fight or flight” response seems ingrained in most any living thing with legs or wings, your average human’s response to aggression is slightly more nuanced; instead of “fight or flight,” it’s more like, “flight or stay put and become a dick or a doormat.” If, however, you give yourself time to think through your moral priorities, risks, resources, and the ends you want to achieve, there’s always a third, non-dick or –doormat option, which is, stay and decide to set limits. Instead of trying to intimidate or placate, you learn to protect yourself from the chaos of conflict by doing what you think is right and encouraging others to use their complex human brains to do likewise.
–Dr. Lastname
My family is lucky that I’ve always been a peacemaker, because my husband is very opinionated and overbearing. I know there’s no point in trying to reason with him or oppose what he’s saying, because he’s never going to change his mind and opposition just makes him angrier, and when he’s angry he just berates me until I stop talking and yells until I beg him to stop because it’s upsetting the kids. He’s never, ever been physically violent, just loud. Sometimes, however, I find myself feeling helpless, depressed, trapped, and full of resentment and anger. My goal is to feel better about my husband’s behavior without rocking the boat.
Although rocking the boat may feel painful and like the wrong thing to do—it is, after all, one of the best ways to tip over and sink—there is usually a possible benefit in family situations. And not just because a sinking ship will drown most rats.
For instance, it may stop you from having to go along with a bad or dangerous decision, or protect you from toxic exposure to prolonged criticism. In actuality, your husband is the real boat-rocker who insists on his right to yell you into submission and you have to decide what action will best keep it afloat, even if that action triggers threats and loud voices that make you feel like you’re drowning. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 9, 2013
If everything that was good for you also felt good for you then kale would be heroin, running would be orgasmic, and one-a-day vitamins would put you into a pleasure coma. Unfortunately, bad things often feel best, which is why heroin is heroin, kale tastes like land seaweed, and passion can be poisonous. That’s why you can love someone who’s just not good for you and hate a job that you do well for good reasons, but before assuming your feelings are telling you the truth, take time to measure a relationship by how well it fulfills your purpose, meets your standards, and satisfies your moral priorities. Then you can do the right thing, even if it feels (or tastes) terrible.
–Dr. Lastname
What could have been a perfect relationship slipped very quickly down hill as two insecure people who have both been emotionally abused by our families growing up both went through stressful times suddenly. We couldn’t manage to make it through the bad times due to coping mechanisms we both employed to save ourselves from more pain, having not had long enough to make the relationship secure. Still, I’m really struggling to let him go. I felt this connection that I’ve never felt before and this is the first person I’ve ever missed in my life. I know he needs space to sort himself out but I want him back and I’m not sure whether to cut the cord now even though I really feel like I can’t and it would cause more pain. I don’t know how to let him go, or make the right decision.
The strength of your connection to a lover is great inspiration for a love song—maybe something by Taylor Swift if she ever dates Sean Penn—but a good song won’t tell you whether a relationship is good for you, is likely to last, or what you can or should do if it falters.
The fact that you and your former lover are insecure victims of abusive families may explain why you’re both anxious and vulnerable to doing negative things when you’re scared, but it won’t tell you how much he can control his negative behaviors and/or tolerate yours. For that, you need to review facts, not your emotional family history. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 25, 2013
If you truly want to believe in the old saying, “There’s someone for everyone,” you have to add the caveat, “assuming that many of those people aren’t exactly right for each other.” Some people think they’ve found “the one,” but then can’t see their partner’s faults because of the wishful optimism of love. Others sour on their spouses because of the tired pessimism of long-married irritability So if it comes time to make a tough decision about a marriage, be sure to ask yourself what continuing your partnership is likely to do to your finances, parenting, and security given what’s happened so far and what you now know about the character of your significant other. Once you figure out whether your someone is actually Mr. Wrong or Mrs. Will-Suffice, you’ll have a much better idea of whether you should hire a therapist to help you get along or a lawyer to preserve your assets.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: There will be no new post on Thursday due to American Thanksgiving. As always, we are grateful for our families and your misery. We’ll be back next week.
I’m living a nightmare and feel totally helpless. I thought my wife had overcome the drug habit she was struggling with before we got married (otherwise I wouldn’t have married her). Normally, she’s the sweetest person in the world. Recently, she went back being the evil witch I remember her being when she was on drugs, blaming me for everything and threatening to take me to court for abusing her. When I asked whether she was on drugs again, she said I was a crazy asshole. Two hours later she said she was sorry, that I was right, but she felt ashamed of using drugs and was taking it out on me. She said treatment just didn’t work for her. My goal is to get her to get help so she goes back to being the amazing woman I love.
There’s a reason that “addict” is a term you live with forever. That’s not to say it has to be a horrible stigma—college graduate and Torontonian also qualify as life-long labels—but no matter how much you wish addiction would be behind you or someone you love for good, it’s always there.
You thought your wife had overcome her drug habit because you loved her sweet, kind side and wanted to think ugly, addict side wasn’t real. She’s not a bad person, but she has a bad side and a bad disease that she doesn’t seem ready or willing to deal with. Even when she’s being kind, her evil side is always going to be there, and she’s doing nothing to stop it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 21, 2013
When confronted with jerky behavior, your natural instinct is to stop said jerk from causing trouble, but bad behavior is like bad health; you have to figure out the causes behind the problem before you can appropriately react. After all, some people are unpleasant because they can’t help it, while others just enjoy making other people unhappy, so blind attempts at confrontation can either confuse the jerk or encourage their antagonistic behavior. So don’t assume that bullies need to be stopped before first sizing up what makes them bully others and what your resources are. Become a doctor of dickishness, do an assessment, and then you’ll know whether you need to help them change, stop them, or simply head the other way.
–Dr. Lastname
My grown-up son often gets into trouble at work because he’s very critical about everything he thinks is wrong. He tells his co-workers when he thinks they aren’t working hard enough and criticizes his boss for making the wrong decisions and just generally creates a bad atmosphere. Then he doesn’t understand why the boss tells him he’s negative and asks him if he’d like to work elsewhere. When he was younger, I took him to a shrink about his anger issues and I’ve tried to figure out what he’s angry about, but it’s done no good. He doesn’t understand why his criticism gets people pissed off, and it just makes him more negative. My goal is to help him understand why he’s angry and stop being so negative.
Maybe your son is just angry and has a bad attitude, but what’s more likely is that he’s irritable and clueless about how his irritability affects people, and criticism just makes him more irritable without helping his cluelessness. He’s not a rebel or an Asshole, just socially retarded and maybe a little Asperger-y.
Instead of wondering what you did wrong to make him so insensitive to other people’s feelings, assume that, like so many people—mostly engineers, scientists, and people who own capes—he was just born that way. Then what he needs is not reprimands, but instruction in the kind of basic etiquette that most people pick up by instinct. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 18, 2013
There are about as many ways to describe “love” as there are ways to order coffee at Starbucks; you can love someone but not be in love with them, care about someone but not love them exactly, love someone but want someone else low-fat, etc. Family relationships are even more complicated, because sometimes a standard, easy parent-child relationship can get spoiled by a critical event that makes it hard for you to accept one another, and sometimes a clash in parent-child personality styles prevents acceptance. In any case, don’t berate yourself for what can’t be helped and don’t expect the relationship will ever be easy. If it’s important to maintain, however, there’s nothing to stop you from avoiding conflict by gritting your teeth, making nice, and keeping your irritation and disappointment to yourself. It may not be pleasant, but when you love someone but hate being around them, it’s the best option on the menu.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always taken it for granted that I get along fine with my parents because we never had any significant conflicts—they were supportive when I was little, and we always found pleasant things to do together. That’s why it’s really surprising that we’re running into problems now, when I’m in my twenties. What’s happened is that they’ve both suddenly gotten religion and become Evangelicals—maybe because my sister and I left town and their lives felt a little empty—and now, whenever we talk, they make frequent reference to Jesus and have something serious and earnest to say about almost everything. They obviously feel it’s their duty to save me, which makes it very hard to have a pleasant conversation without exercising a lot of polite tact and changing the subject. I find myself getting very irritated and, really, I’m sad that the easy relationship we used to have is gone and I can’t get it back. My goal is to find some way out of this nightmare.
Having a friend get religion is like having them marry someone you don’t like—they’re still the same person, but now hanging out is less fun and more of an exercise in torture.
After all these years, you had a right to think you knew your parents inside and out and that you were lucky enough to have a solid, easy relationship based on love and mutual acceptance. While the love is still there, the ease is no more; fundamentalist religion makes it harder for them to accept you (you’re not saved) and you to accept them (you don’t want to hear about it).
Given the fundamental nature of, well, fundamentalism, and the fact that it seems to leave you fundamentally cold, you now have to negotiate a new relationship that will take a lot more work than the one you had. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 14, 2013
Whenever someone’s bad behavior forces you to set limits, it’s like slapping a hysterical person in the face; you can’t know in advance whether they’ll thank you or hate you forever. In either case, if you do it only when necessary, nicely, and with respect, you’ll know you’ve done a good service, whether it’s appreciated or not. In the short run, you’ve offered them a target for their resentments about the world and it’ll sting them as much as it stings you, but in the long run, you’ve given them a chance to learn and grow.
–Dr. Lastname
My eighteen-year-old son is very bright and imaginative and, when he’s sweet, I feel we have a special relationship. Periodically, however, he gets frustrated with things and gets very, very nasty with me. He bullies me into doing things for him and I try to be flexible, but then if I don’t do exactly what he wants he throws a big scene and threatens to break the furniture or crash the car. After the last incident, I threw him out of the house and he went to live with his father for a few days. Now I’ve got him back, but I know it’s going to happen again sooner or later and I don’t know how to explain to him that I can’t give him everything he wants without provoking an irrational freak-out.
When you have a kid who throws dangerous freak-outs, don’t make it your top priority to avoid provoking him; a child’s tantrums are a pain to deal with at any age, but trying to permanently tiptoe around a moody teenager is just as futile and damaging as always coddling a cranky toddler. They keep having tantrums while you get progressively more insane.
Of course, you don’t want to give him a hard time, but the behavior/temper problem is his, not yours, and not only will you drive yourself crazy, you’ll fail to give him the kind of help he needs most, which is a clear set of rules that can help him manage the poorly hinged part of his personality. Tantrums may be eternal, but so are time-outs, even if they take a different form. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 4, 2013
Family isn’t just the gift that keeps giving, but the constant presence that keeps taking, which is why saying “no” and setting boundaries on what they expect you to do is often hard. Sometimes, even when you believe strongly in your need and right to refuse them, guilt makes you agonize and get defensive. Other times, guilt is so strong that you’re sure you’d be wrong to say “no” and can’t even consider the consequences of what will happen if you don’t. In any case, when it comes to saying “no,” don’t wait until you’re angry, stop feeling guilty, or otherwise feel the urge. Instead, look at what happens when you don’t say it and how it affects your major obligations. Then, if you decide it’s necessary, learn how to do it short and sweet, without offering defense or explanation, and give yourself some boundaries, the best gift of them all.
–Dr. Lastname
My unhappy marriage of more than 20 years is soon to end in a divorce driven by me after a long and painful separation. When my husband left I was devastated as I felt abandoned and unable to cope on my own. This resulted in me allowing my husband to set the terms, come and go as he pleased, lie and mess around with my emotions. After two years of this he decided to stay with his girlfriend and asked for a divorce. I agreed but he took no real action. After a lot of therapy and much heartache I have rebuilt my life, found work I like, learned how to cope and have just taken an exciting holiday with my new partner while remaining on amicable terms with my ex. I live in what was the family home with one of my two adult sons and my daughter and her baby are about to move in. I have asked my ex to inform me if he wants to come round but he continues to make arrangements with our adult children at short notice or no notice at all. His girlfriend has taken a job which involves being away for the working week, which frees him up to hang around here when he wishes to spend family time. After years of turmoil I do not want to risk my hard earned independence and growing emotional detachment by getting sucked in once again. I also resent the way he expects to be welcome here when it suits and be unavailable when his demanding girlfriend is around. My goal is to set healthy boundaries for going forward. I wish to protect myself from further chaos without dividing loyalties or giving him underdog status in the eyes of our children.
If you ever thought that your flexibility about your ex-husband’s comings and goings would make him interested in returning to your marriage or, later on, negotiating a marital settlement, you now know better. All it makes it easier for him to do is raid your fridge and unsettle your mind.
He’s continued to do what he’s felt like doing, and you’ve learned how to take care of yourself and go on with your life, which you’ve done very well. Now it’s time to tell him that your life can no longer allow him unlimited access. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 31, 2013
At a certain age, it becomes clear that high school ends, but the feeling is one you never outgrow; there will always be days when you want to dress like an idiot, be forced to eat food on a tray, or feel bullied, either by a group of alpha-males or by your own inner-Heather. No matter what the source of your browbeating, however, getting a bully to stop is often impossible, and fighting a bully may give him/her more power over your feelings and thoughts. So remember, standing up to a bully doesn’t require you to fight, win, or gain control over someone else. Instead, it requires you to know your own values and respect your own behavior, regardless of whatever mean, provocative statements get thrown your way, or how many Mean Girls/Women/Men you have to encounter throughout your life.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been sober 15 years and get a huge amount out of my AA meetings, but I still hate myself. It isn’t that I act like a jerk anymore—I’ve got a great husband and I do my job and make a living—but that doesn’t change how I feel. I don’t do anything bad, but I waste time, I don’t have the smarts to go back to school and do well, and I haven’t done anything particularly good or accomplished much. I envy people who are successful, which makes me feel that much smaller. I wonder what steps I need to work on to ever get to like myself.
For some people, hating yourself is an unavoidable bad habit, like mentally biting your nails, and if you’ve ever been a nail-biter, you know that it’s almost impossible to stop entirely, even if you’re destroying your fingertips and/or self-esteem.
As painful as self-hatred is to live with, it’s probably an unavoidable condition for many perfectionists and idealists especially, as well as those who were subject to severe criticism and abuse as kids. Expecting to be healed from it, then ,just adds to your sense of having an unacceptable defect and thus to your self-hatred, as you start hating yourself for hating yourself for hating yourself, etc.
For many years now, you’ve done nothing you should hate yourself for and you’ve got people in your life who don’t hate you. If you still hate yourself, in spite of these good things, then it’s probably a feeling you can’t change. Given that you’re a self-hater, however, you’ve done a remarkable job of changing or preventing self-hating behaviors, and remembering that is your best weapon against your brain’s urge to knock you down. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
