Posted by fxckfeelings on December 19, 2011
When grown kids need permanent parental support, it’s hard for those parents to feel like they’ve succeeded. Every parent worries that they’re not doing enough for their kids, but for those who have adult kids with problems, that worry is amplified by anxiety and guilt. They can take over management, however, by assessing their responsibilities rationally and keeping their worries in check. It’s not healthy to care for and protect your children too much, but the only parents that fail are the ones that don’t care enough.
–Dr. Lastname
Helping my daughter pay the rent on a bigger apartment seems to have lifted her out of her depression and she’s much more active at her job, but she’s still not making enough money and I’m running out of cash. If I tell her that she has to take a roommate, I’m afraid she’ll just crawl under the covers again and we’ll be back where we started. It shouldn’t be that hard for her to make enough money, but it is. I’m mad and I’m stuck. My goal is to get her to make more money and/or understand that I can’t keep supporting her like this.
While you may think you’re giving your daughter money out of love, you’re actually doing it out of fear. That’s trouble, because when you give money out of fear, you’re usually being mugged.
Fear makes you forget long-term risks, like what you’ll do after you run out of money and the consequences for you, her, and other people who depend on you. Your love is infinite, but your finances aren’t. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 28, 2011
If you take any relationship wisdom from this site, it should probably be that good partnerships are not the same as relationships that feel good. That doesn’t mean they have to feel bad (although bad feelings are unavoidable sooner or later), just that they have to survive bad feelings and offer benefits to both parties that are worth the trouble. So relationships that grab your heart but show no signs of becoming good partnerships are dangerous to your health, and relationships that turn you off but have much to offer are worth putting up with. Ain’t love grand, and ain’t love gone wrong a royal pain in the ass.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m always a little annoyed at my boyfriend, even though we never really fight, because he always seems a little unavailable (you’d think at our age he’d be over playing games). If we spend lots of time together this weekend, then next weekend I can be sure he’ll call back late, find a reason we can’t meet early in the day, and leave me with an option for getting together briefly that doesn’t work well for either one of us. He used to say it was because he needed time for his son, but now that his son’s in college things haven’t changed. I don’t think he wants to date anyone else, and our friends think we’re great together, but I’d like to share my life with someone and our relationship is stuck.
Sometimes the worst thing about a relationship is that it’s too good to be bad, but too bad to be worth the effort.
Your boyfriend is almost a good match, good enough so that you look forward to seeing him every weekend, but it’s not mutual enough for him to feel the way you do. So you’re always chasing him, but never quite catching him.
If it were truly bad, then either he’d end it, or pride, fighting or the protests of friends might eventually help you break up, grieve and move on. Here, no such luck. You’re in relationship purgatory, but on the southern side. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 17, 2011
Just as there are diseases that can compromise the human immune system, there are factors that can compromise our emotional immune systems, as well. If you’ve been abused or take too much pleasure in giving, you’re more susceptible, not just to bad relationships, but to more psychic damage from those relationships. There are ways for the emo-immuno-compromised to protect themselves by strengthening their minds and learning to avoid the kind of people that could hurt them the most. Until they develop a mental prophylactic, adopting strict self-standards is the best way for anyone to stay safe.
–Dr. Lastname
I was sexually abused quite a bit by my dad (and am de-repressing memories right now, fun-fun). I am realizing that I am very fearful of the people I love, and avoid them. Honestly, if I didn’t need to bond to keep from going insane, I would never have a close relationship, because anyone I care about enough can destroy me. But I’m in a lot of pain from loneliness as it is.
Many people believe there are tons of benefits to confronting your past, namely that it will teach you something that will bring catharsis to your present. The common notion being that if you can figure out what went wrong then you can avoid being victimized again.
The problem here is that reviving memories of sexual abuse by your dad will also bring back the old feelings of helplessness and having no choice, which, of course, is the opposite of your situation as an adult, so the lessons are the opposite of useful to your life now.
You’re not examining the past to drown yourself in feelings of helplessness, but to assure yourself that you can protect yourself from abuse. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 27, 2011
Intimate feelings should be a side-effect of relationships, not the other way around. When that intimacy becomes an end in itself, you forget, not just the other reasons why you’re spending time with someone, but the other things you need to be doing for yourself, your job, and the other people in your life. So the opposite of a strong attachment isn’t necessarily to break away, but to regain your sense of who you are and what you value the most, whether or not you’ve come down with a chronic partnership.
–Dr. Lastname
Approximately three years ago I realized my psychiatrist preferred other patients and liked other patients more than me. That realization was incredibly devastating to me. I want to deal with this reality, however, my psychiatrist keeps denying this is the reality and will not openly admit he does indeed prefer other patients. Part of me that hopes (wishes) this truly is not the reality (him preferring other patients) and I TRY to believe that what he says is the reality! However, I simply can’t believe him. I have told him I can’t believe something that I think isn’t true. Even though he has helped me immensely in many ways, and I’m extremely attached to him, I have lost trust, confidence and faith in my psychiatrist over this issue. I think he is preventing me from having the opportunity to deal with reality by denying he prefers other patients. I have a need to hear him say, “Yes I do prefer other patients and your observations/perceptions about this have been accurate.” I think if I hear him say these words I could actually work to deal with it. Since he’s obviously not prepared to say this, MY GOAL is to somehow “detach” from him, stop therapy with him and move on and forget about it.
When you do therapy right, a shrink is like a thesis advisor, helping you explore the toughest issues in your life until your work is complete.
If you lean on therapy too much, however (sometimes through no choice of your own), a shrink is a crutch, which makes deciding when and how to end therapy much more complicated. Remove the cast too early, and you still can’t walk on your own. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 24, 2011
We’ve talked before about the myth of “help;” how applying the mantra “you need help” to everyone and anyone with problems isn’t always the right thing, whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of this recommendation. After all, just because someone begs you to get help doesn’t mean that you need it, and just because someone begs you for help doesn’t mean it will do them any good or be worth it. Forget feelings of disloyalty, use your own judgment, and remember, most of the time, the most helpful response to people who want you to be involved in help-giving or help-taking is to let them know when help isn’t the answer.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a 22-year-old who is coming out of a pretty rough emotional patch. I got into a bad habit of leaning on a male friend, being a complete needy, co-dependent mess with a guy who is a pretty heavy drinker and, you guessed it, a needy, co-dependent mess. Well. Now I’ve sobered up and tried to develop some space between us, and he’s not taking it well. He drunk-dials me at least once a week, and leaves these crazy, rambling, needy voicemails. (I moved away a while back, and he keeps pushing me to make plans to meet up.) I basically want to cut him out of my life altogether, because I really think he’s bad for me. But he was there for me—albeit in a f*cked up way—when I was a mess. Does dropping him make me a bitch?
There are two sides to every sin; for example, murder is evil while manslaughter is just really unfortunate. The same is true for good deeds, and fidelity, while less deadly (hopefully), works much the same way.
There’s a bad kind of fidelity based on feelings and a good one based on what you think is right. The bad one is a gut-level sense of obligation you feel towards anyone you’ve shared a bed or bread or booze with, who cries out to you in need and expects you to respond. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 6, 2011
The process most humans have for defining our sense of right and wrong develops with time; it starts with determining whether or not our parents are mad at us, goes to roommates, and then spouses (and after that, the law). One part of the process that should extend from cradle to grave (but often doesn’t) is consulting your conscience before you declare guilt or innocence. Sometimes it will protect you from false guilt; other times, it will tell you that, regardless of your rationalization, you’re guilty as hell (better to realize on your own without the law’s help).
–Dr. Lastname
I always suspected that I was attracted to women more than to men, but I liked my husband, and we’ve been good companions for the past 20 years. It hurt him deeply, however, that I wasn’t interested in him sexually and finally, when he pressured me to tell him what was wrong, I told him I thought I might be gay. Now he feels I lied to him, that our marriage has been meaningless, and he wants a divorce. Our life together is over and I feel totally to blame, like I’ve let down my husband and betrayed our marriage. What can I say to make amends?
There’s one important step people sometimes forget to take before making amends– asking yourself what you’ve done wrong.
Obviously, your husband is hurt and he thinks you’re to blame, but, as we’ve said many times, that’s the whole point of marriage—having someone to blame. Real sin requires knowing that you have something to hide, and that doesn’t seem to be the case. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 15, 2011
As diseases go, mental illness is a doozy to treat; some mentally ill people are too humiliated to ask for help, and others are too crazy to ask. If you want to help them (or yourself), keep in mind that it’s the illness, stupid, which distorts the attitude towards treatment. Use the same logic and moral values for mental health treatment decisions that you would use for other illnesses; there’s nothing humiliating about getting sick, no matter what a sick brain decides.
–Dr. Lastname
I have been wrestling with depression for years now and my maternal side of the family has a history of depression and suicide. I don’t feel that I can do this on my own anymore and need help. I don’t want to just take a medical cocktail of antidepressants. My question to you is how do I go about finding a therapist and/or doctor that will be most helpful to me.
The first step for getting treatment for your depression seems simple– don’t get depressed about treatment for depression. After all, depression’s just another form of pain unless it twists your thoughts into thinking that not getting rid of it is a kind of failure that marks a meaningless life.
As long as you realize depression is a persistent ailment, just like persistent back pain or diabetes, you’ll have an easy time making treatment decisions because you won’t regard using treatment as evidence of weakness. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 1, 2011
It’s hard not to think of stoner weirdos as victims of bad choices who need a haircut and a good, tough talking-to. In reality, many misfits, potheads especially, have no control over the fact that life offers them no good fit for their talents and temperament, and the belief that they should have or could have done better makes them more passively resistant, unpleasant, and prone to mass consumption of tacos. So, instead of moralizing and breaking out the shears, confront their negative behavior by accepting the fact that stoner misfits are who they are while offering suggestions about how they can do better with themselves (starting with fewer tacos).
–Dr. Lastname
There’s a guy on my team at work who drags everyone down, but the boss does nothing to confront him, and it really prevents us all from doing good work. This guy does just enough to get by, and he sucks up to the other guys, so they’re somewhat protective of him. Meanwhile, he’s dismissive with me and the other women on the team and has a way of passing the buck to us, losing what we give him, and then blaming our hormones if we complain. No surprise here, he’s a heavy stoner and smokes during the day, but everyone at work seems to think it’s no big deal. I like the job and the people, but I’m afraid that complaining to our boss will be seen as petty and disloyal to our team. I don’t mind telling this guy to his face that I’m unhappy with his work and attitude, but it would just make him even nastier and impossible. At the same time, I don’t want to be silent just because the boys don’t respect what I’m saying. What can I do to make this work?
When you’ve got a job where you like the work and the people you work with, it’s natural to feel that the bad behavior of a single jerk shouldn’t be able to ruin it for you (and everyone else), let alone a lazy, sexist jerk with a drug problem.
Trouble is, his behavior can totally ruin it for you and everyone else unless your boss or other co-workers are reasonably good at managing his behavior instead of just avoiding conflict and sharing dumb jokes.
Unfortunately, as you may have noticed, they’re not really rising to the task so far, and that’s something you don’t control. At least it seems you’ve been good about controlling your own rage. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 29, 2011
The mistake most people make when they want to improve someone they love (or even themselves) is to share their unfiltered, unabridged negative feelings as a source of motivation. They’re right, of course, it is a powerful source of motivation—to avoid you and your criticism like the plague. When you want to make someone better, keep the negativity in check while you urge someone, often yourself, to think reasonably about what will work out better. Being close to someone doesn’t give you the right to unload; be a sibling second, an amateur shrink first.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always been close to my younger brother but I kept quiet about my objections to the woman he married, although she sure came with baggage—a mean ex-husband and 2 unhappy kids. Recently, however, it turned out that the mean ex-husband wasn’t entirely wrong, and she is indeed self-centered, bossy, and nasty and shows very little respect to my brother or, in one memorable episode, our parents. When she cussed out my mother, I’d had enough, and let him know I thought she’d gone too far. Since then, as you might guess, my brother has not been eager to talk to me and certainly doesn’t want to talk about his marriage, even though my main feelings for him are positive and protective. I would do anything to get him to seek help, since he won’t talk to anyone in the family, but I don’t know how to get through to him. So how can I get him to talk to someone?
There’s a common notion that shrinks are good at getting through to loved ones who won’t listen to anyone else; that a psychiatrist can double as a spiritual Sherpa, able to guide the stubborn up Mount Issues to the Summit of Personal Insight.
What people forget is that shrinks aren’t Sherpas, we’re strangers—we lack facts and a vivid, first-hand impression about whatever the rotten thing is that they should be advised against—and there’s no reason to believe a stranger can succeed where a sibling can’t.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 22, 2011
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People like to think that trusting an inner voice—their gut, their instincts, the force, etc.—will always lead in the right direction. In actuality, instincts and body parts are better known for causing instant urges (a.k.a. “feelings”) that ignore logic and implant convictions that the sky is falling, love occurs at first sight, and advertising never lies. When it comes to major decisions, don’t trust your gut (which, as we’ve pointed out before, is literally full of shit). Find out facts and figure out the odds before doing something that scares you, titillates you, or gives you an enormous Visa bill.
–Dr. Lastname
My brother is a good doctor, and an especially good one given that he’s struggled with depression his whole life. When his own illness needs attention, however, he becomes a terrible patient. He doesn’t get depressed often, but when he does he obsesses about the possible side effects of each medication and so doesn’t take what’s recommended, takes half the prescribed dose, or insists on his doctor giving him something less harmful (and much less effective). The result is that he drives his doctor (and me) crazy and takes a lot longer to get better. When I tell him he’s over-reacting to his fears, he tells me “I’ve learned to listen to my body.” I know he’s a doctor, but I think his body’s lying. What can I do to help him when he’s sick?
It’s a sad fact of mental illness that it often prolongs itself by disabling a person’s ability to seek and select appropriate treatment. Like any smart disease, it knows from self-preservation (in all the ways your brother does not).
That means you can’t necessarily get through to your brother by reasoning or addressing his fears. In your brother’s case, it’s unlikely, not just because you and his doctors have tried and nothing works, but also because he is a doctor, and the side-effect of trying to treat a doctor is a giant pain in the ass.
Recognizing his response as inherently unreasonable and illness-driven, however, can build your confidence in your own opinion to the point where you don’t have to persuade or argue. If he insists on listening to his body, you can serve some truth to his brain. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
