Posted by fxckfeelings on July 16, 2012
While plenty of crazy people make their mental state known with a tell-tale twitch or tinfoil hat, a severely manic person can look relatively sane and still be completely bonkers when it comes to making decisions about life, love, and money. Our laws allow them to fly under the commitment radar until their behavior gets so erratic that they’re about to fly off a mental cliff, whereupon the police (with your help) can take them off to treatment. So if you wish to help someone who is mildly manic, don’t hesitate to offer good advice. If someone is very manic, however, your helpful words may cause nothing but fear, aggravation, and mental jet fuel, so you will need to be quiet, patient, and knowledgeable about commitment law to be helpful when things get out of hand and the tinfoil hats come on.
–Dr. Lastname
I was diagnosed bipolar as an adult and usually take some lithium to deal with it, but, for a few weeks last month, I started to get manic. I rode it out by spending all my time in church and buying a lot of philosophy books. It wasn’t too bad—I just wasted a little money and a lot of time, but otherwise, I felt kinda great, and I haven’t felt depressed, at least not yet. Now I’m back to my old self, but I’m not sure where the mania came from, or when/if it’s going to come back. My goal is to figure out what it happened.
What happened when you got manic is that you got manic, forgetting who you are and what you wanted to do with your mania. That’s what mania tends to do.
It gives you strong feelings that need immediate expression because you feel more real and “in the moment.” It tells you what to do, whether it’s cleaning the house all night, sleeping with as many strangers as possible, or spending your bankroll on religious literature.
What you want—you, as a person and manager of your own interests, rather than a manic diagnosis—is to figure out, during a sane moment, how much manic behavior is safe, where to draw the line, and what you want done about it by you, and if you’re out of commission, what you want done by others. You say nothing about that in your letter; unfortunately, you don’t seem to be present other than as a passive eyewitness to your symptomatic self. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 25, 2012
When you can’t get through to someone, it’s easier to feel like a war party than a concerned party, driven to conquer that someone’s mind by any means necessary. Sometimes the only mind you need to conquer is your own, because you can accomplish most of what you want without needing the agreement of others. Other times you have to endure the helplessness of watching someone self-destruct, knowing an attack from you will only make it worse. Your job isn’t to communicate when communication is impossible; it’s to make the best of the fact you can’t and take your forces elsewhere.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know why I can’t get my husband to stand up to his mother when she tries to take over our baby. Everyone in his family agrees that she’s very difficult. She drops by whenever she wants, has me wake our baby if she’s sleeping, and stays after we’ve told her that we’ve got to be going. After she leaves, I tell him she’s awful, and he tells me I’m mean to deprive her of the happiness that she gets from her granddaughter. I feel she’s taken over our lives and I’m ready to leave my husband, which is what I know my mother-in-law wants, because she’s said she doesn’t think our marriage will last. Help me get through to my husband.
If you’ve read this site before, then my simple answer should be familiar; the bad news is, you probably can’t get through to your husband, but the good news is, there’s no reason to get through to him in the first place.
As the mother of a baby, you probably have lots of reasons to create rules without having to first persuade your husband to agree or prove that his mother is a jerk. That’s fine, because, though your husband probably knows she’s a pain, you’re expressing feelings he feels guilty about having, so he gets to take that guilt out on you.
So, while it would certainly be nice for the two of you to be on the same page, you have enough confirmation that his mother is impossible to entitle you to come up with your own plan for dealing with her. Coming up with good rules for protecting your peace and privacy is a lot easier than asking your husband to turn on his own mama. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 21, 2012
Bad luck is like a bad smell; sometimes, it just surrounds you, meaning that you’re doing everything right but, due to an uncontrollable curse, everything’s going wrong. Then there are the special few for whom bad luck is generated internally, meaning that your brain is permanently decision-intolerant, and trying to do the right thing usually goes wrong. Either way, you’re stuck with your stink, and you’re going to get blamed unless you and others are brave enough, and realistic enough, to accept the hard-to-tolerate helplessness of having no control. If you can do that, however, you’re ready to appreciate the beautiful things you’re doing with an ugly aroma, whatever dealt it.
–Dr. Lastname
Turning 50 next year, my beard is turning gray, still alone and most importantly, no fuck-buddy! I’m saying I’m on a self imposed ‘sabbatical,’ upgrading and learning new skills, but in reality, well – this economy! But seriously, no work AND anxiety (a left over from when I was assaulted), all-new discovery of depression (as a result of recent diagnosis of Hypothyroidism or a direct result of job loss, who knows?), loss of retaining and maintaining friendships/relationships led to well, being in the space of loneliness – a lonely extrovert is so oxymoronic, I can’t stand it! Currently trying to financially survive on a sure-footed, tight-roped budget thanks to one of the four insurances that did pan out…still, sore about playing by the rules and getting shafted big time anyways and yet, retaining focus on how to get up from the shutdowns and the rapid changes that occurred in a shorter-than-2-year period. My goal is to capture original harmony and yet live in the now, which includes living an even more healthy and play-safe lifestyle along with meaningful work, having an intimate inner circle of friends and have a honeybun(s) in my life. That’s the life I am cultivating – the only thing is how the fuck do I kick-start the process to get there? Can you help me?
Sadly, Dr. Lastname has never figured out the secret to happiness (or put too much value on it), and besides, the real secret of those secrets is mostly that the short-term happiness they bring will be followed by a long period of not-happiness, much like the one you’re struggling to get out of.
On the other hand, we have figured out the secret to pride, which is really what this is about; women may make you happy, but confidence and pride will get you women. So, in order to get laid, you have to think about why your misfortune has laid you so low. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 16, 2012
When what you’d like to change about yourself is a predominant feeling, like anxiety or depression, you end up in a double bind; you’re stressed that you feel stressed, you’re angry that you feel angry, and, especially if you’re depressed, you find yourself wanting a feeling-free existence. Since changing your personality isn’t possible, you need to settle for symptom management rather than total relief. Ultimately, certain feelings are hard to bear and feelings about feelings make them worse, but keeping feelings in check is possible, and something you can feel good about.
–Dr. Lastname
I know I have a pretty good life, but I seem to always be stressed, which seems largely self-inflicted due to my high standards for myself at work and home. I tend to overdo it trying to meet my self-imposed goals and feel stressed a lot trying to achieve, and upset when I don’t meet this standard. For example, I freak out if my work isn’t done on time, and if I don’t get all my chores done by the end of the weekend. I generally freak out if anything is in my inbox for more than a few days. My goal is to chill out and enjoy life more, instead of stressing out over impossible deadlines, and to more effectively prioritize what actually needs to be done ASAP vs. things that can wait.
There are many analogies made using the gazelles around the watering hole, but as tragic as that one weak gazelle’s fate is, at least, before he died, he wasn’t suffering from stress.
Sub a watering hole for a water cooler, and you see why stress has its advantages; to the degree that stress and high standards push you to work harder and do a better job, they help you survive. Gurus on TV tell you about the advantages of relaxation, but gazelles will tell you otherwise. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 29, 2012
Before we discovered communication as the solution to family conflict and misunderstanding, we knew better. Back then, people thought before they spoke, believed silence was golden, and had to live without remote controls. Communication satisfies a yearning, but if you think first about your goal before opening your mouth, you’ll usually discover that it’s good to communicate a positive vision and bad to share feelings before remembering how your first-degree relative will almost certainly respond.
–Dr. Lastname
After my son left home, he became very distant and uncommunicative. Then last year, almost ten years later, he finally starting calling me regularly, then opened up and confessed he had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I was delighted by his openness and thought we were on the right track, but now, a year later, I’m starting to wonder. What now happens is, after he’s gotten wasted on one thing or another for a few days and run out of money, he calls me up to tell me how bad he feels, how sorry he is, and how much he hates himself. I try to be sympathetic, but I hate to hear his misery, I’m tired of telling him he’s really OK, and I’m angry that he doesn’t stay sober for very long and doesn’t do anything about it except dump the problem on me when he’s feeling low. My goal is to see him get better, so I don’t want to cut communication, but our talks are not working.
Shared feelings can be a good step forward if your son knows what he wants to do with himself, other than share feelings.
Hurray, he’s discovered you’re supportive and not mean, punitive or critical, and sharing with you feels good. Unfortunately, that’s his only goal. You’re not reconnecting, you’re becoming his favorite hangover cure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 16, 2012
More often than not, being nice isn’t. It can get you focused on doing good for other not-quite-so-nice people who will never be able to return the favor, or on cleaning up impossible messes, instead of focusing on the larger, more important goals that go beyond good gestures towards common sense. Be nice if you must, but remember that you have other goals, one of which is knowing when you have to be cruel to be kind.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stop thinking about my wife’s lack of support. I’ve supported her in everything she wanted to do, whether it was getting a professional degree or going away for a week to study photography, but now I’m the one who wants to go back to school part-time to get a special ed certificate, and she’s hemming and hawing about how we don’t have the money. I’ve done the budget, and we can get by while I’m in school, and the degree will pay off, but she’s very cool to the idea. I want her to see how unreasonable she’s being and how unfair this is after all I’ve done for her.
There’s nothing wrong with being a giving, loving partner, as long as you don’t expect the world to treat you fairly. And the world includes your wife.
Few people are nice and giving all the time. Even worse, no matter how nice you are to those around you, there are lots of people who don’t give a shit about your generosity, are teflon when it comes to good will, and are never going to be nice, period. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 30, 2012
If you life has been touched by an Asshole™, your ideas of right and wrong, as well as those of other people who know the two of you, have probably been distorted. It’s your job to set things right, but not by doubting yourself when you’re threatened with conflict, or by attacking those who treat you badly, because both make you look even crazier than the Asshole in question. Instead, re-establish your credibility with yourself and others by staying calm, being patient, and finding good (legal) support. Then everyone can see the Asshole’s true colors—brown—and your work is done for you.
–Dr. Lastname
I think my girlfriend is basically committed to me (after 4 years of our having a steady relationship, despite living in different cities). After much backing-and-filling and hemming-and-hawing, she introduced me to her 3 kids and her ex. The problem, I think, is that her ex-husband is an evil drama-monster who bludgeoned her with tantrums, legal threats, and ultimatums until she would do anything to appease him. It makes her a total wuss with the kids and interferes with her availability for our relationship. That makes me push her sometimes, which makes her jump like she’s been scalded and trapped between two powerful, demanding masters. I don’t think she’s into dominant men any more (at least, I don’t see myself as one), but my goal is to help her resist her evil ex without making her feel she’s doing it to appease me.
No matter how nice your girlfriend is, if she’s over-reactive to an evil ex, you can find yourself getting irritated, worried, and sometimes outraged. You’re sorry she has trouble setting limits with the guy, but you sure don’t want him to control your life.
If she doesn’t learn how to manage him and the feelings he stirs up in her, however, that’s what will happen, and your relationship will be riddled with the drama you’re both trying to avoid (and also become very crowded). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 23, 2012
For those of us in the helping professions who overestimate our ability to help, (off-hour phone) calls for help can become a big problem. Whether you’re soft and sympathetic or blunt and tough, there’s no problem you can’t make worse by taking too much responsibility for messes that are beyond your (or anyone’s) control. If, on the other hand, you know the limits of your powers, you can respond to calls pleasantly, do your job, and still help someone without hurting your own sanity.
–Dr. Lastname
While most mental health clinicians would feel guilty admitting this, I’ve been in the biz for long enough that I don’t give a shit and I need to vent. Most of the crisis calls I get from my psychotherapy practice are senseless and irritating; they’re from patients who feel bad because they forgot to take their medications, or drank too much or when they shouldn’t, or allowed their demons to wreak vengeance on their enemies, the nearer the better, self best of all. A few call me because they’re feeling suicidal (but won’t go to the hospital) and just want me to make them feel better, which is hard when it’s late and I’m tired, and often impossible just because I don’t have that kind of power. I try to be civil, but their calls leave me feeling helpless and wondering whether I’m doing any good. Discussing their responsibility for their behavior is useless, because it usually makes them mad or apologetic. My goal is to figure out what to do with crisis calls that are really a useless pain in the ass.
Many crisis calls you receive as a shrink do a good job of showing off a patient’s worst behavior. It’s like having partial custody of a colicky child.
It’s not that their distress isn’t real and severe—it is, almost always—it’s that it causes self-defeating behavior, like drinking or mouthing off or retreating from the world, which creates a jam that is extra hard to get out of.
Bad feelings cause bad behavior, bad listening skills and bad regrets about going into the therapy business instead of owning a Toyota dealership. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 19, 2012
Sometimes, when you most need friendship, neediness messes it up. Maybe it’s a need for the wrong kind of person or for the wrong kinds of intimacy that are very satisfying in the short run and explode later. Ultimately, friendship isn’t the answer to your needs, but managing your needs will give you a good friendship.
–Dr. Lastname
I have always had a problem with keeping friendships because of moving too much, anxiety, and some other reasons. Almost every friend that has come into my life seems to be very needy and I tend to become anti-social when this happens. My current best friend has showed many signs of being very clingy and a bit controlling; she buys me things when she knows I am busy just so she can hang out with me, she calls me frequently even though she knows I dislike talking on the phone, she is demanding and apologetic at the same time. I am confused on what to do because she is always there for me and I can’t always be there for her. Lately, I have been having so much negative feelings about her that I don’t want to work on the relationship and this is exactly my problem—I lose people because I let my feelings get in the way. Maybe I am not finding the right people to hang out with? I mean we have so much in common, but that might be the problem because we both have severe anxiety and what we hate about life seems to be all we talk about, so it’s just negative energy most of the time. I will admit I am selfish and should be more thankful that I have someone that understands me and is there for me, but I guess I am too unhappy in my life and unhappy with myself to be appreciative of the goodness in others. It’s something I would like to work on, but I don’t even know where to begin.
Whatever draws people into relationships– neediness, sex, an encyclopedic knowledge of “Law & Order”—it isn’t necessarily good for you. When you’re operating on instinct, you stop thinking.
It sounds like you’ve got a good idea of what’s good for you, and it’s a friendship that discourages whining and encourages breathing room and independence. Nevertheless, you give in to the pull of your instinctive need for needy, whiny friends.
Once you give in, you’re stuck. You like the close attention and some of the intimacy, but you also don’t like the high demands and expectations, so you want to pull away. That leaves you guilty, lonely, and more in need of a needy friend. The shitty friendship cycle remains unbroken. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 9, 2012
Horrible thoughts and feelings are supposed to make you feel as if there’s something horribly wrong, and there is, but it’s not necessarily with you. Even when your brain is giving you strange signals and your mood is in the pits, you’re the same old person with the same old values. Judge yourself by what you do with symptoms of mental illness, not by the way they make you feel or think, and you will never have reason to doubt yourself or despair.
–Dr. Lastname
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anorexia nervosa purging type a few years ago. Both of these issues had pretty much consumed my life during the years leading up to that diagnosis and have continued to be impairing ever since. I started cutting myself two years ago (it has become more frequent this past year), and I’ve had several panic attacks in the past several months. Fortunately, my overwhelming desire to commit suicide has subsided, although I still think of suicide and my death in general fairly often. In addition to my own issues, I have watched my mom slip into a state of psychosis during the past two years, triggered by the death of her father. She has become so depressed, delusional, and violent that my parents separated and sometimes I don’t even feel safe staying in the house with her—a few weeks ago my dad and I had to stop her from going through with a suicide attempt. The police were called, and I had to hold her arms down while she was clearly in a psychotic rage. At one point, she tried to stab my hand to make me let go. She was taken to a mental health facility where she stayed for a week, and now she’s furious at us for making her go there and hasn’t been much better since then. I feel like I never get anywhere with therapists because they just prescribe medicines that make me feel numb to any emotions or focus on my eating disorder so much that I never get to work through these other issues. I feel like my life is unraveling and it’s gotten so bad that, honestly, I don’t feel like I even want to fix it. My goal in telling you this is to figure out a way to help my mom and how to get through school while I’m dealing with this.
It may seem strange to hear this, for someone who suffers as much as you do from depression, anorexia, and the burdens of taking care of a very sick mother, but I think you’re doing an amazing job.
Yes, you’re chin-deep in shit, but you haven’t drowned, and that’s a remarkable accomplishment.
Your depression hasn’t made you hate people or blame them, and your anorexia hasn’t caused you to pretend you’re not sick, so you must have a solid hold on reality. There you are, with all your pain, finding the love to help your mother and the energy to go on with your studies. You’ve got good values and a big soul. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
