Posted by fxckfeelings on June 24, 2010
For those over-endowed with emotion, reacting without thought is dangerous, whether the extra burst of feeeeeeling comes from present love or past trauma. Flying off the handle isn’t good for anybody, so take time before booking your flight to remember that you’ve got better goals than to open your mouth and make yourself more miserable.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex and I had a drama-filled relationship and a rough break-up. Drama because I was drinking, which meant I was sometimes out of my mind, and rough because I got my shit together and tried to make it right with her but she dumped me anyway. The problem is that we work for the same boss, and now that we’re not together anymore, but I’m sober and sane, I’m wondering how to act towards her. Be friendly and normal? Are hugs in bounds? I can’t just ignore her, and I don’t want to, but things are strange. I want to show her that I’m cool, not nuts, and want things between us to be normal (whatever that means).
Be you an alcoholic or a Mormon, you have zero chance of instantly re-establishing friendship with someone you’ve just broken up with. Like cold fusion or a 2010 World Cup game without vuvuzelas, it’s never going to happen.
Since you are an ex-drinker, however, you should know that self-control is something you can never count on, particularly when your feelings for an ex-love are intense and her actions unpredictable.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 21, 2010
Much is made in both the personal and professional worlds about the value of communication. Speaking your mind to your loved ones isn’t necessarily the best way to work out family problems, and speaking easily at networking isn’t the best or only way to get ahead at work. Abstaining from communication is often the best choice, because on this site, we value shutting the fuck up.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m not crazy about my grown-up step-kids, but they’re not bad people, they just tend to be disappointed in me for some reason or other and then complain to my wife, who then tries to smooth out our relationship by telling me about their issues and urging me to talk with them, maybe with a therapist. She’s very nice about it, but every time I try to speak up about what actually happened or clear up a misunderstanding, I sound like I’m calling the kids unrealistic and self-centered (which they are) and it makes things worse. My wife doesn’t blame anyone, but it distresses her that I and her kids don’t get along better and I hate to see her unhappy. So how can I improve things with my step-kids when we really don’t see eye to eye?
Your poor step-headaches. They’re unhappy and assume that mom should play diplomat.
Instead of justifying their complaints with “I’m just being honest” they should really say, “I’m just being an enormous jerk.”
This is a good example of honest sharing by people who are honestly unhappy with you but haven’t given much thought to whether there’s anything you can do about it (other than by being someone else). They haven’t even considered whether making them feel better is your responsibility.
Unlike them, don’t assume it’s your responsibility to return the favor with an equal amount of honest sharing—not unless you want to give your wife a headache and enjoy a long, dirty bout of Greco-Roman mud wrestling.
If, as you say, the step-sort-of-adults want you to be someone you aren’t, and it isn’t a matter of your bad behavior, then you can’t make them happy or reach a better understanding by improving communications. If only you were behaving badly, you could make things better by improving, but you’re not, so you can’t, and you’re fucked.
Whether her kids complain to you or her, your job isn’t to work things out (unless you believe it’s really possible); it’s to live up to your own standards for being a respectful step-dad and keeping conflict to a minimum.
If you can’t make things right for your wife, you can respect her wish to improve family relationships while minimizing your exposure to criticism. The technique is simple, but requires you to shut up about your real feelings and give up on the idea that your wife can understand your predicament.
So let the step-kids complain all they want. If these were actually your kids, you would’ve imparted an important lesson to them early on: when it comes to sharing feelings, honesty is not always the best policy.
STATEMENT:
Here’s the formula. “I know your kids are not entirely happy with me and I’ve given careful thought to the problems they’ve shared with you. I intend to let them know I’ve heard their concerns and, to the degree that I can, I’ll make things better. If, as I suspect, some of their distress arises from differences in our personalities, we can’t expect it to go away or be resolved by discussion, but we can certainly learn to accept one another, avoid negative interactions, and make the best of your wonderful relationship with your children, which I am determined to support in any way possible.”
I know I’m good at what I do (let’s just call it finance), but I get held back because I’m terrible at networking and socializing in general. So much of my business is about going out and making connections, and I find talking to strangers, especially ones I’d like to work with or for, to be the most painful and awkward experience in the world. I get incredibly self-conscious, feel like I’m talking too much or too little, get distracted and antsy, and just want to go home or back to work. I also don’t drink anymore—I was never a drunk really, but I thought it held me back in college—so that makes my awkwardness even worse. If I don’t learn how to shmooze, however, I’m never going to get ahead. My goal is to get over my awkwardness.
Don’t hate your own awkwardness. People who have a heightened sense of shame about their social behavior become more awkward, which makes them more ashamed, and you’re spiraling into social phobia. It’s like stuttering; the more you think about it, the worse it gets.
It’s true that, when you’re in school, social awkwardness seems to condemn you to being a nerd loser who never gets laid. Fortunately, nerds have their revenge, and they get it, not by becoming socially gifted, but by entering a world that also rewards skills, reliability, and experience, and this boosts their confidence as they get older.
While networking is a big part of the business world (as you know, most business school tuition should include a bar tab), it’s not the only way to get ahead. You could get your job to pay for further business courses, or try to talk to/impress your boss one-on-one in a small talk, anecdote-free environment.
If small talk is necessary, you don’t have to be talented to learn how to do it; you just need to be humble enough to stumble through exercises that others could do easily. Again, accepting your disability makes it easier to manage it.
In the meantime, when you do find yourself at networking functions, don’t get tied up trying to be the cool guy you aren’t. Try for more one-on-one conversations, sip your Diet Coke, and enjoy a night out with your awkward self.
STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to chart your course of self-improvement. “I value my achievements and values but recognize that I could use better people skills. There’s no point in criticizing myself for being ungifted in this area. I’m proud that I’m willing to work on my weakness if and when I think it’s necessary.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 17, 2010
If your love is blind, then you shouldn’t be surprised when it drops you into a deep, dark pit. Everyone else, the not-blind, saw it coming, but you’re the one in a pit looking for a rope. Instead of falling in love/on your ass, skip your next plunge and learn how to manage your blindness with a few common sense techniques that can keep you out of trouble, on your feet, and on the path to finding someone who won’t let you down.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know what I did to drive my husband away. I guess I’m a pushy type of person—I’ve got an executive job—and he’s an easygoing carpenter who spends every spare moment rehabbing old houses, and he gradually got sick of my nagging him to spend more time with me on the weekends, until one day he just moved out. Now, when I reach him on his phone, he tells me he loves me, and agrees to meet with me to talk things over and work things out, but then he doesn’t show up. I wish I hadn’t given him such a hard time, but now I want to know how to get him to come to couples therapy and put our marriage back together.
Some girls prefer being married to someone who’s never around but pays the bills. Those girls and your husband have something in common, whether you like it or not.
Before figuring out how to save your marriage, ask yourself what you want your marriage for (and don’t say love—you should know better).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 14, 2010
While most people have multifaceted personalities (or should), there are an unlucky group whose personalities aren’t so much nuanced as they are binary; fewer shades of grey, more Jeckyll and Hyde. If you’re dealing with someone who’s double sided, or trying to hide a part of yourself from the world, it can feel like a never ending battle to reconcile and/or expose both halves. Occasionally, it’s worth exposing your secret side to end your own torment. Other times, it’s better to let people keep their Mr. Hydes to themselves if it means keeping their drama out of your own life.
–Dr. Lastname
Most people thing my mom is really fun, if a little flaky and emo, but they don’t see how crazy and mean she gets when there’s no one around but my brother and me (my parents are divorced). When she’s in a bad mood, she tells us we’ve been mean to her, and reminds us of things we’ve said that hurt her, and tells us how bad we are until we’ve apologized, and then she forgets it ever happened. There’s one cousin who’s seen what she gets like and I rely on him to remind me that it’s OK, she’s crazy, but the other day he seemed charmed by her and then, when I complained, he told me I had to get over her and not be so angry, and now I feel totally unsupported. My goal is to get someone to understand what’s going on.
Nothing gets people more stirred up than dramatically pitched false accusations and punishments by a powerful, inescapable, totally two-faced authority, like your mama.
The good news is that, while you’ve got the makings of a perfect soap opera, it sounds like you’re not getting swept away by it.
The trouble with soap operas, of course, is that they trap the good guys into endless rounds of angry, hurt reactions to crazy bad guys. In the process, they take up huge amounts of time and energy for tears and talk, talk, talk before, finally, there’s a glimmer of comfort and validation…before the cycle starts all over again.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 31, 2010
Most good people find themselves doing the same old bad things over and over. For some of us, said bad habits don’t go beyond excessive chocolate or videogame usage, but for others, “bad things” result in horrible consequences. Understanding why people are like that seldom helps, but recognizing when people are like that (whether it’s you or the other guy) can be very helpful if you accept the fact that the problem won’t go away and take responsibility for managing it as it is. You can’t change urges, but you can sure try to change results.
–Dr. Lastname
I love my work, my kids, and my wife, but I have bipolar mood swings (and I’ve taken medication for years) that lead me to do things that get me into trouble. Recently, in spite of the medication, I felt a surge of energy and started to stay up late, sneak into my studio and paint. I’ve also started to drink again. I don’t want to change meds or let people know what’s happening because I want to keep my options open. I love the highs and the freedom, and I hate being told what to do, but I’ve got a demanding day job that doesn’t involve painting, and a wife who doesn’t like it, to say the least, when I’m not honest. So my goal is to get myself under control before people catch on to what’s really happening.
There are few fathers and husbands who can’t identify with the goal of wanting to feel special, have time to themselves, and avoid humiliating comments about eating, drinking, toileting or sleeping habits from their next of kin.
The fraction of these fathers who are dealing with mental illness and addiction to alcohol don’t want to be asked if they’ve been taking their medication or started drinking.
So, if your goal is to avoid immediate disrespect and hang on to your secret Van Gogh identity a little longer, then keep doing just what you’re doing.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 27, 2010
True love isn’t the kind of thing that brings two people together in perfect harmony, at least outside of “The Princess Bride.” In our world, it’s what happens when life makes perfect harmony impossible, and two people find a way to step around the bad parts and hang onto the good. Inconceivable, but true.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t want to break up with my girlfriend, but I know that I can’t really be with her, either. We can’t live in the same city, for one thing, because I have a grown child, grandkids, and a business I rely on and can’t move. She and I first met in college, but drifted apart, then married other people. We have great chemistry and I’m really happy that I found her again and could recapture part of what we once had; we talk every day, visit monthly, and I get along with her kids and family. The problem is that we can never live in the same place, and I know how much she wants a live-in partner, and I’m sure that, as she realizes our relationship can’t go forward, she’ll drift away. My goal is to keep our relationship from falling apart for the second time in my life, but I don’t know how to do it.
You’ve got a girlfriend you’ve known for decades whom you still love, accept and want to see. If that isn’t success, I don’t know what is. Seriously.
Yes, for various reasons beyond your control, you can’t live in the same city, and there’s always a chance that she’ll find someone who can and he’ll steal your true-love away. There’s also a chance Megan Fox will call you up and ask you out, but I wouldn’t plan your life around it.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2010
Parent/child conflicts can get particularly brutal when people are scared for and determined to save one another. Emotions run stronger, stakes are higher, and the gloves are never on. Instinctively, kids and parents fight for control and submission, and regard it as defeat to accept a new reality and get over it. The reason the instinct is so foolish is because control is impossible, so the battle becomes endless. Conflicts like these need to be handled with great care; they must call them kid gloves for a reason.
–Dr. Lastname
When my mother starting dating my soon-to-be-step-father, I was upset. It’s not just that my father had only died six months earlier, but that this guy was clearly a user and a nowhere near good enough for her. I’m in college, so at least I didn’t have to live under the same roof as this jerk, but I’ve already gone out of my way to avoid him and it’s really annoyed my mom that I haven’t tried to get along with him. Plus it means I’ve spent last time with her, and we used to be really close. When she told me they were going to get married, I freaked out, and now she’s says that if that’s how I feel then I’m not invited to the wedding. I think what my mom and I need is a face-off to get everything on the table and sort out this mess. My goal is to get my mom back.
You’ve got every reason to worry about your mother’s taste in men and its impact on your relationship; after all, her choice has the potential to cause you (and possibly her) great pain, at a time when you’re grieving your father’s death.
Unfortunately, however, all you can do is worry, and after that, you’re fucked. There’s nothing you can do to make things better and lots to make things worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 13, 2010
Some people think self-improvement begins with first finding your faults and then hating the crap out of them and yourself. In reality, hating your faults is a perverse feel-good, like chewing on a canker sore. Attacking yourself, or even those close to you, just kicks someone when when they’re down and makes self-improvement that much more difficult. If you want to improve yourself, improve your tactics, because there are better ways to get better.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been a complete, stinking failure since I graduated from college. My job pays well, but I hate it with a passion because I’m treated like shit. Then again, I don’t have the skills to find anything better, though I’ve tried. My drinking has kept my girlfriend from moving in, and, since I’ve never loved anyone else, that means I’ve never had a relationship that works. I don’t really have friends because I’m too nervous to let anyone really know me and I work too hard to meet anyone (at that job that sucks). Now I wonder whether I’m being honest with you, or just whining and slinging bullshit. My goal is to be someone else.
It never ceases to amaze me how people who launch into the most brutal monologues of self-criticism would never allow their friends to talk such shit about themselves in their presence. The only thing they truly fail at is holding themselves to the same standards they hold others.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 6, 2010
New technologies and the breakdown of old conventions have created more sexual opportunities and freedom, but really, the basics haven’t changed. Being of clear and honorable intentions might seem old fashioned, but the misguided lust, loneliness and guilt that can taint those intentions are downright Biblical. New conventions just mean new rules; just because love feels chaotic doesn’t mean relationships should be.
–Dr. Lastname
Last fall, I started hooking up with a girl who’s been a friend of mine since freshman year. It wasn’t anything serious, just your average friends with benefits deal, and neither one of us ever talked about her being my girlfriend or anything “real.” What I never knew before though is that this girl gets really depressed, and when she got really sick this winter, I was there for her because that’s what I’d do for any friend, whether we’re hooking up or not. She’s better now, but I’m kind of confused as to what’s happening between us. Sometimes I think I want to be her boyfriend, but I’m not sure I’m really that into her, and I don’t think she wants that from me, and at this point everything’s just really awkward and weird. I just want to know where we stand, or what I should do.
People often choose to be “friends with benefits” (FWB) because it seems easier than committing to a relationship, but don’t be so sure.
Having a FWB is like playing a fretless guitar that seems to offer musical freedom, but is actually more likely to produce noise unless you really know what you’re doing. In other words, don’t attempt a FWB situation unless you’ve learned what the rules are and can stick with them. It’s not for those who haven’t mastered their instrument.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 3, 2010
Poor, well-meaning, dedicated therapists and the patients who love/destroy them. After all, it’s enticing to let someone persuade you that you’re their guardian angel and the only therapist that can help. It’s a fun ride for everyone, at least until you realize that you’re responsible for something you don’t control, and they’re even less responsible than before for dealing with reality as it is. While this is a shrink-based site, we are the first to admit that therapists are not perfect people, especially when they get in in their heads that they actually are.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a 30-year-old patient whom I’ve been seeing in weekly psychotherapy for 6 months and he had a terrible history of sexual and physical abuse and years in state care. Amazingly, despite all his trauma and several prior failed treatments, he settled into a trusting relationship with me. He tells me I’m the first person he’s bonded with, and he’s been able to stop using cocaine, and, for the first time, sees some hope for himself. The problem is that he just got a new job, and I’m not covered by his new insurance plan. He wrote me a letter telling me how much he feels his recovery depends on continuing the treatment we’ve started and I feel professionally obliged to put his welfare ahead of my financial needs, but I’d like to get paid. My goal is to do right by my patient, and not trigger the feelings of abandonment that underlie much of his negative behavior, but I’m not sure how long I can afford to see him for nothing.
There are many therapists who believe the best thing you can do for a troubled patient like this is to “be there,” providing the steady acceptance and secure relationship that they need for healing. I’m not one of them.
The sad fact is that the healing power of currently available treatments is vastly over-rated and a good example of false hope and the harm it can cause.
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