Posted by fxckfeelings on August 29, 2013
Whether you believe in a particular psychotherapy or find the very prospect of head-shrinkery scary, don’t let the emotions that draw you towards or away from the therapist’s couch drive your treatment decisions. Develop your own fact-based procedures for deciding whether you’re fucked-up enough to need therapy and, if so, whether there’s a treatment that isn’t too risky and has a good enough track record. Maybe we’d all like the experts to figure that out and make such decisions for us, but we’re better off picking the brains of experts and then making treatment decisions, pro or con, for ourselves.
–Dr. Lastname
Please note: We’re taking next week off for a long-deserved summer vacation, but look forward to hearing about your back-to-school/work misery when we return.
How long is too long to be in therapy? I have been in therapy for four years now, and it has helped enormously. I went into therapy initially because of a trauma situation, but I don’t want to stop, even though I’ve long worked through that trauma, because I still think I can benefit. Still, now that I reached the four-year mark, I’m wondering, how long is too long?
If you’ve read this blog, you’re probably aware of our belief that the most important goal of mental health treatment is seldom to relieve all your pain; that’s usually an impossible pursuit, or one that just shifts the pain from your head to your wallet and your friends, who are sick of hearing about what you learned in therapy.
The better goal of therapy is to use it to figure out how to prevent that pain from interfering with the way you think about, and lead, your life, and lucky for you (and us), your question reflects this healthy priority. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 26, 2013
Dealing with a loved one who is fucking up his life or with his family who are the captive victims of his behavior is a lot like being held hostage and being your own hostage negotiator; it’s hard not to become both helpless and emotionally pushy. If you are careful to remember what you don’t control, however, you can give good, strong advice without feeling guilty about not doing enough or causing conflict by voicing blame. You may first need to get coaching from experts, particularly those who’ve been through the process themselves, before you can negotiate well, but, once you’ve picked up the skill, you’ll be as helpful as possible. You can certainly free yourself, and you might do much to help your captor, as well.
–Dr. Lastname
My 30-year-old daughter got married late last year to the father of her baby and they bought a house, have jobs and seemed to be doing well. I was concerned about the brevity of his previous marriage, his jealousy, his attitude to money and a niggling voice in my head, but I tried to be positive and support her choice. I put her unhappiness down to post natal depression until she admitted that he has huge debts, is a liar and a bully, and she suspects be is having an affair. He has spent all her money so she can’t afford a lawyer. Now his mother is getting involved—she covers up for him and called his last wife “evil,” but we have discovered that her experience was similar and that he has a long trail of debt, infidelity and general chaos. I am willing to give my daughter and grandchild a home but am going through my own divorce so it’s tough. My soon-to-be ex is worried but subject to the demands of his new partner so most of it falls on me, and we’ve already lent them money. How do I give support without taking over when my daughter seems overwhelmed and doesn’t take my advice?
Unfortunately, your daughter suffers from a very specific colorblindness—the kind that impairs the ability to see red flags—and now she feels very stuck in a situation that only she could not see coming.
Even as you swoop in to guide her through the aftermath, that doesn’t have to mean that you’re taking control of her life, though her dependence on your resources means you’ll have a strong influence. You can be a good teacher and firm manager and also respect her independence and choices; she’s not totally blind, so your guidance need not be absolute. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 19, 2013
It’s easy to know and describe what it’s like to be physically out of sorts—usually, Nyquil or a triage kit are in order—but when you’re losing it mentally, things get a lot more complicated. In some cases, it’s uncomfortable and can’t go away soon enough, while for others, it’s great and not something they even see as a problem. Good or bad, however, it’s easier to identify and understand, at least to the person experiencing it, if you remind yourself that a state of mind is only a state of mind. So whether or not you can change it, or believe it’s worth changing, it’s always worth remembering that there are more important things. Your job is to make the most of your state of mind, even if you can never fully make sense of it, without letting your brain run your life (and body) off the rails.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know how to begin…It’s really strange because I’ve never felt like talking to a psychiatrist, but now that I’m trying to, I realize how much I may need one. I’ve been trying to find one of my, of what I realize now, many fucked up aspects to talk about. Why do we bottle things up? Why do we make the bad things the deepest parts of our lives? Happy moments are like listening to the Beatles, short and like being on acid or running through a meadow…or both. But melancholy sits inside like Joni Mitchell or Jeff Buckley, if you let it. I guess my point is that I am terrified that I am going to have Virginia Woolf or Sylvia Plath’s life. Almost everyone in my family has mental issues. My brother tried to kill himself this year, my grandparents are the lovable nut-bags, my father had anger issues during my childhood… and I got the diagnosis from my doctor this year that I am depressive with bipolar tendencies. It’s terrifying to get a name for the way you are. I have so many. I wish it was duchess sunshine awesome, but you know… I guess what I came here for was to say that I don’t know how to express my emotions, should I bottle them up? Or should I just let myself go? My goal is to be a little clearer.
We don’t have the power to diagnose people over the internet, but when we get letters from people fretting over psychiatric diagnoses we usually feel comfortable diagnosing those diagnoses.
So, assuming you do have the familial tendency to be depressed, have mood swings, and, presumably, be creative, you don’t have to have a fucked-up life, nor do you have to stifle your creativity.
What you will have to do, however, is work at keeping your perspective when you’re hurting with depression and everything seems to suck while not letting your diagnosis frighten or shock you. After all, a doctor has merely put a label on what was always there, meaning you now know there are techniques that can help you deal with what’s been ailing you. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 8, 2013
In family disputes, the nuclear option isn’t sending a child to his room or your spouse to the sofa, it’s breaking a tense silence and dropping an angry “I told you so.” How four little words can express so much contempt, rage, and blame is a true linguistic mystery, but as phrases go, it can be a weapon of mass destruction. Instead of doing major damage by adopting the language and tactics of your enemy, choose silence, which empowers you to define positive goals and express them when your rage is under control. Then, when and if you do say “I told you so,” the words are disarmed; it’s your vision that wins and no one need feel humiliated or defeated.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve decided to leave my wife because I’m tired of always carrying the ball and cleaning up after her messes, which are frequent and horrendous, because she never seems to follow through on paying a bill or responding to mail and always pretends that there’s no problem. That means she’s the one who seems calm and says everything’s fine, and I’m the one who’s spitting mad at the late fees and legal problems she’s created, which makes my kids think I’m the bad guy. I can’t think of a thing I can tell them without expressing my rage at their mother, which just pushes them further away. Now they think she’s a marshmallow and, when she doesn’t keep her commitments, they’re sorry for her for being depressed. I think of her as a malignant marshmallow, but my silence leaves me undefended and I can’t say “I told you so” without making her look like a victim. My goal is to think of some way to break out of this prison of silence.
Being too angry to speak is like being too full to eat or too tired to move; it’s your body putting the breaks on, pulling out all the stops to save your ass.
Just as it’s better to put your fork down instead of inhale pasta ’til you puke or try to ignore your sleepiness and get behind the wheel, it’s often better to be struck dumb than to find a way to express yourself and explode your family.
You’re probably right to be afraid of the bad effect your words would have on your kids, even if your silence does little to defend you from looking like the baddie. Don’t despair, however, of finding something constructive to say. Just let your anger cool and compose yourself before beginning your composition. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 1, 2013
Self-confidence, like humility, is least often felt by those who deserve it most—call it the Trump theory of confidence conservation, with the baselessly-smug balancing out the needlessly self-doubting. Instead of paying attention to feelings of self-assurance, decide whether you or others have done their best, given what’s available. If so, try to act on that judgment, regardless of how you feel or how much confidence you encounter. Then you’ll do right by yourself and feel good about it, but not Donald-good, if you know what’s good for you.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know what to make of my wife’s efforts to find a job. When we married two years ago, she had a good job and enough money to take care of herself, but then she was put on probation—it didn’t bother her—and, since getting fired, she doesn’t seem to be trying hard to find new work. She knocks herself out to help me with errands, but then she always eats out for lunch and spends her time shopping with money she doesn’t really have. She doesn’t look worried, but I can’t get a straight story out of her about her budget or savings, and I’m beginning to worry what will happen when the money runs out. That includes my money, because I can’t afford to support the two of us indefinitely, particularly with her level of spending. I don’t want to undermine her confidence, which she obviously has lots of, or to mess up a loving relationship, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I say nothing. So what should I say?
Some people have an unshakeable confidence in themselves but shouldn’t, and for them, there is little solace. Everybody worries about people with low self-esteem, but for those with excessive self-esteem, the world is a cold place. On the other hand, they have so much faith in themselves, they don’t care.
Those with excessive self-esteem don’t necessarily suffer from too much pride or big egos, or deny some truth they don’t want to face. They just don’t see how fucked up they are because they believe they’re completely capable, and it prevents them from doing anything about their problems. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 11, 2013
While “crisis management” is fairly well-known (at least if you’re Paula Deen), we see our field as pre-crisis management, because, more often than not, it’s easier to predict a personal disaster than a natural one. Sometimes people enter into a perfectly predictable crisis because acknowledging the warning signs would ruin the romance, and other times they see the signs but keep on going anyway because planning ahead takes too much work and maybe involves math. In either case, as long as you don’t blame yourself too much and accept the fact that caution will often force you to stop when you’d really like to go forward, there’s nothing that can stop you from learning, doing better, and managing yourself before a crisis can take hold.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently relocated to a new state for better opportunities and to salvage my marriage. In the midst of everything I grew extremely fond of a co-worker and eventually fell in love, and during my new relationship, my husband moved out and we separated. Shortly after, the other man explained that his ex kept contacting him saying she was pregnant and that it could be his (they broke up three months before we met). She is married as well so she wasn’t sure who the father was. Anyway, the baby was born a few weeks ago and paternity has been established that it is his. Since he found out it is his we see each other less and less. He explains that he doesn’t want to be with her and loves me, but to see the baby, I can’t be around. I believe that if he truly loved me he would go about this the legal way, set up visitation and we can resume our relationship. I love him a great deal, but really don’t know how to handle this situation. All of my friends say jump ship and that it’s nothing but drama, I am having a hard time doing so. I really need some no nonsense, direct and honest advice.
When you fall in love with someone, you’re often eager to accept their explanations for the odd decisions they’ve made in their lives; money can’t buy love, but love can afford you a lot of forgiveness. Especially when you’ve made some odd decisions yourself.
Now that the honeymoon (and divorce, and new honeymoon) is over, it’s time you reviewed the facts, dug up more if possible, and asked yourself whether your boyfriend has ever managed commitment before, particularly when he had to do a little multitasking at the same time. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 20, 2013
In a just world, correcting injustice would have no unintended consequences, good people would always know how to do the right thing, and I’d be so hard up for patients that I’d have to become a podiatrist. Unfortunately, in this world, there are Assholes™, and the fight for justice isn’t just riddled with them, but may force you to align with one or be mistaken for one in the process. Don’t let them and your passion for justice distract you from checking out the moral pros and cons of what happens next. In seeking justice, you should ideally experience the joy of straightening out the world. More often, you will bear the pain of tolerating unjust crap for the sake of good values, the knowledge that you’re preventing things from getting worse, and that, in doing so, you’ve confirmed your non-Asshole™ status.
–Dr. Lastname
Our church administrator made some dumb decisions that wasted money and favored her friends, and the church would be better off if she were eased out of her job, but there’s one member of our church who is so obnoxious and unreasonable in the way he attacks her mistakes that I don’t want to have anything to do with him. He has brought a lawsuit against the church that could hurt all of us and sees any offer of compromise as an effort to deceive him. I think he’s paranoid, but meanwhile I’m paralyzed because, even if I agree with his basic point, I don’t know how to move ahead without encouraging him and joining with a person I despise. My goal is save our church from bad management without having to encourage, or be seen as encouraging, an obnoxious, crazy jerk.
The enemy of your enemy may be your friend, but the enemy of the entire world is still a toxic Asshole™ you naturally want to avoid at all costs, even if you share a common goal.
Since your goal seems unselfish and idealistic, it’s especially painful to have it hijacked by the one person who can drive everyone else away. The more personal his attacks, the more support he’ll create for the administrator who needs to be fired. Even if you’re on the right side of things, the Asshole™ being on that side makes it wrong.
Ignoring how annoyed you are with both the Asshole™ and the accused administrator, add up the benefits and risks of firing her. Unless her actions make it unavoidable, you don’t want to stir up a fight in the congregation. Some people might say that church should be a place of greater purity and moral rectitude and its employees held to a higher standard, but that notion starts religious wars (and contradicts the actions of the Vatican). Yes, there are some crimes that are intolerable, but in most cases you’re more interested in pursuing acceptance and mutual respect, even if that means accepting some impropriety and administrative inefficiency.
If you decide that action is necessary, remember that backroom politics were invented to help people get things done when a horribly obnoxious loudmouth makes it impossible to have a meaningful public discussion. We now understand that many such people can’t help themselves; they have strong opinions about how other people should behave and no awareness of their motivations or reactions, particularly to their own demeaning statements.
You may have to put lots of work into circulating your opinion outside a general meeting, gathering a majority, and agreeing on a course of action, but it beats the alternative. Consider it to be both a test of your resolve and an Asshole™ shield. Having avoided taking part in a public, personal attack, do what you can to cushion the blow of her firing and avoid humiliating her or her supporters by paying respect to her contributions and showing no personal dislike, regardless of your deeper feelings.
Unlike your would-be ally, you aren’t trying to root out evil and punish corruption, just to clean up an unfortunate mess while showing respect for those who disagree with you and preserving a community of relationships that are more important than any one political issue.
With some careful maneuvering, you can be on the same side of the Asshole™ without getting shit on in the process.
STATEMENT:
“I’m annoyed by the mistakes of my church administrator and infuriated by the tone of the attacks that have been made on her. I will do nothing about this problem, however, unless I think it’s necessary, and then do all I can, behind the scenes, to avoid public humiliation and build a consensus that does not insult those who disagree with it.”
I know I did the right thing when I filed a job discrimination suit against my boss, who’s notorious for making sexist put-downs and treating women as if we’re sluts and objects, but since I did it, everyone at work has become strangely silent. I know other women there who share my disgust for him, but management has been ordered by company lawyers to treat me very, very carefully and no one at work wants to be seen as siding with me or they’ll become pariahs too. Everyone is nice but distant and their polite distance is making me feel totally isolated. I can’t quit without jeopardizing my suit, but staying has got me really depressed. My goal is to stand up against something I know is wrong without driving myself crazy.
I hope your lawyer warned you that, though your anti-discrimination lawsuit might eventually bring you a dose of deserved justice, it would almost certainly first bring you an added dollop of unjust pain. That’s the way things work when you’re not on TV and don’t get instant access to justice, or even Judge Judy.
The better your case, the quicker the company lawyers will order your bosses to clean up their act and create tons of written evidence showing that they’re polite, professional, and caring while they watch for a legitimate reason to put you on probation and, after sincere attempts to improve your performance, regretfully terminate your ass. That’s standard operating procedures and it sucks for everyone, particularly you.
If your job was becoming unbearable, your suit may nevertheless be worth it. Feeling angry and humiliated may not, on its own, be worth suing for, but a suit may well be worthwhile if you can’t stand working there anymore, know you have a good case, and are ready to leave. Even then, once you sue you many need to persuade future employers that you don’t have a chip on your shoulder about administration. If your boss is a true pig, however, then it’s probably less of a chip and more of a cross that you’d bear with pride.
Now that the lawsuit is underway, the important thing to remind yourself is that nothing about work relationships is personal, even though it feels that way, and that you need as much support as possible outside of work because personal relationships at work will be a desert.
Also, you need an exit strategy; lawsuits destroy relationships and make it almost impossible to work together, so don’t force yourself to stay at work to prove to colleagues that you’re right and that they can’t get to you. Work is about making a living without going crazy, not making a point about pride.
So collect your strength, write off your old job, and focus on your next move. As long as you’re there, do a decent day’s work so that you’ll know you don’t deserve the criticism you will probably get, but don’t let making a decent effort get in the way of your job search.
Unjust criticism shouldn’t change your opinion about the value of your work, your lack of respect for your boss, or your determination to look for something better. It should instead strengthen your resolve until justice, or better, Judge Judy, finally arrives.
STATEMENT:
“The first victim of my lawsuit, in terms of feeling punished, is me, but I expected that to happen. I won’t let shunning or unjust criticism change my values, my willingness to work hard, or my effort to find a square deal at my next place of employment.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 3, 2013
No one controls the nature of their sexual needs, including their strength, timing, and target, but we all have reason to control what we do with them. That’s why “I couldn’t help it” is never a convincing alibi, for either sexual indiscretion or disinterest, because even the most impulsive and passive people can manage their impulses with enough effort. Sooner or later, the difference between getting sexual satisfaction and being a good partner creates a conflict that tests your ability to remember and act on your values, regardless of where your needs want to take you. That’s when you need to find the strength to “help it,” whether it is your needs, your relationship, and/or yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife, but I’ve always had a taste for sex with prostitutes, even though it costs more money than I can afford, and getting married two years ago didn’t made a difference to my bad habits. My wife works hard and we pool our incomes, so she hasn’t noticed that we have less money than might be expected from the salary I make. I hate myself when I do it, and I don’t much enjoy it, so I can’t figure out why I haven’t been able to stop. I guess I’m an impulsive person, because there are corners I cut at work that might get me fired and I haven’t been able to stop that either. I must have a deep desire to get myself into trouble. My goal is to figure out what’s wrong with me and be more normal.
The biggest reason not to waste your time trying to figure out why you can’t stop spending money you don’t have on prostitutes is that you’ve already got your answer; you’re an impulsive guy, always have been, even when it fucked up your self-interest and ran against your moral values. You’re like Columbo, knowing who the perp is all along (but that makes you the guilty party, as well).
Being called impulsive isn’t meant as criticism, just a description of a big problem that usually remains a mystery when anyone tries to explain it, or understand why one person has it and another doesn’t. The question isn’t why–the answer to that is the same as to the answer to “why are whores so pricey?,” because life’s unfair–but what to do about it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2013
While we all work for a boss in one way or another, it’s safer to do so strictly for the paycheck, instead of the emotional reward of approval. Otherwise, caring too much about whether the boss appreciates your performance can ruin your job satisfaction, even when you know you’ve done it well, or spark you into self-destructive rebellion. So the best thing to do is not work too hard for the boss, the Man, or the Woman; it’s to become your own judge of what constitutes a good day’s work and a reasonable worker’s boss, judge yourself accordingly, and keep getting paid.
–Dr. Lastname
I loved my job at the nursing home for the first 20 years or so, and we were a great team, but the last ten years have been much harder, mainly because we had to move further away because of my wife’s work and I’ve had a tough 90 minute commute each way ever since. I worked extra hard, stayed late, and continued to do the job pretty well, but between being tired and older, I stopped enjoying it and I think my boss was less happy with me. I needed the work, however, so I soldiered along and never got a bad performance review, though it was hard feeling my boss and I were no longer as friendly as we used to be. Six months ago I decided it was time to retire—the kids have graduated college and the pension isn’t bad—so I announced it to my boss, and since then it’s gotten more painful. He didn’t hide his relief and immediately hired my replacement, whom I’m supposed to train. My goal is to get over feeling like I’ve failed at the job that I gave most of my life to, since they’re really glad to see me go.
No one who labors for ten years at a job requiring a three-hour daily commute in order to support his family and secure a pension should ever consider himself a failure, let alone give a shit what anyone else thinks, especially on your way out.
If your boss is eager to see you go, then that’s his problem; you gave him many years of good work and dedicated service, and countless hours suffering through gridlock and morning zoo radio shows. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 20, 2013
It’s appropriate that singer Mary J. Blige had a hit singing, “I just wanna be happy” since her best songs were about being miserable. Everybody thinks they want happiness, but like wealth, fame, and everything else on Blige’s own episode of Behind the Music, happiness is too erratic and temporary to set your hopes on, and concerning oneself too much with it is a good way to get a headache and feel like a loser. Instead, think hard about the values that give you direction, whether you’re happy or not. If they’re good values, they’ll always take you in the right direction and will give you strength, regardless of whether you have another hit.
–Dr. Lastname
I fell in love with the wonderful work I was doing in South Africa, but in the two years since I returned to the States, I still struggle with connecting and finding friendships or a relationship with meaning. In South Africa, I worked with an organization that rehabilitated inner-city gang kids to get them back in the public school system. The experience was life changing. I fell in love with the children I worked with, the mentality of the locals, the culture, and the relationships I built with like-minded volunteers. Unfortunately, since I’ve been back, my connections with my friends were no longer the same because they could not relate to the life and experiences I lived abroad. I’m in my mid-20s, and my life is good in many ways, but most of my friends are getting married, having children, or going to graduate school now, and I am at a stand still…stuck in time with memories I wish I was still living. I want to be able to relate and understand the people in my life. I want to feel fulfilled and in love with my surrounding and the life I’m living again.
The trouble with wonderful, life-transforming jobs is that they don’t actually transform your life, just your expectations. The stars align for a brief period of self-discovery and fulfillment, but then the earth keeps rotating, and the stars shift away again.
Even though good times like that inherently can’t last, they still leave you feeling that, if you were able to find it once, you should be able to find it again. Unfortunately, good luck, like bad luck and the earth on its axis, moves on, whether you like it or not, sometimes leaving you not just with a sense of loss, but also of having missed the boat. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
