Posted by fxckfeelings on June 21, 2012
Bad luck is like a bad smell; sometimes, it just surrounds you, meaning that you’re doing everything right but, due to an uncontrollable curse, everything’s going wrong. Then there are the special few for whom bad luck is generated internally, meaning that your brain is permanently decision-intolerant, and trying to do the right thing usually goes wrong. Either way, you’re stuck with your stink, and you’re going to get blamed unless you and others are brave enough, and realistic enough, to accept the hard-to-tolerate helplessness of having no control. If you can do that, however, you’re ready to appreciate the beautiful things you’re doing with an ugly aroma, whatever dealt it.
–Dr. Lastname
Turning 50 next year, my beard is turning gray, still alone and most importantly, no fuck-buddy! I’m saying I’m on a self imposed ‘sabbatical,’ upgrading and learning new skills, but in reality, well – this economy! But seriously, no work AND anxiety (a left over from when I was assaulted), all-new discovery of depression (as a result of recent diagnosis of Hypothyroidism or a direct result of job loss, who knows?), loss of retaining and maintaining friendships/relationships led to well, being in the space of loneliness – a lonely extrovert is so oxymoronic, I can’t stand it! Currently trying to financially survive on a sure-footed, tight-roped budget thanks to one of the four insurances that did pan out…still, sore about playing by the rules and getting shafted big time anyways and yet, retaining focus on how to get up from the shutdowns and the rapid changes that occurred in a shorter-than-2-year period. My goal is to capture original harmony and yet live in the now, which includes living an even more healthy and play-safe lifestyle along with meaningful work, having an intimate inner circle of friends and have a honeybun(s) in my life. That’s the life I am cultivating – the only thing is how the fuck do I kick-start the process to get there? Can you help me?
Sadly, Dr. Lastname has never figured out the secret to happiness (or put too much value on it), and besides, the real secret of those secrets is mostly that the short-term happiness they bring will be followed by a long period of not-happiness, much like the one you’re struggling to get out of.
On the other hand, we have figured out the secret to pride, which is really what this is about; women may make you happy, but confidence and pride will get you women. So, in order to get laid, you have to think about why your misfortune has laid you so low. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 18, 2012
Macho sports-types like to say that failure is not an option, and in a totally not-macho way, they’re absolutely right. After all, we all have different definitions of success, and while individual skill is a factor, so are luck, fate, and a mess of other circumstances that we can’t control and/or overcome completely. So if you can’t meet certain expectations or fix pressing problems, the good news is, failure is not an option; if you do your best with whatever it is you actually control, judging for yourself what that is, you can never lose.
–Dr. Lastname
At this point in my life I’m not sure in which direction to turn. I am a 37-year-old female going through a divorce, had to move back home and just failed nursing school by just a few points in my final semester. I was so devastated about failing nursing school that I basically fell off the grid for a while. Many of my peers feel as though the school was unfair and are encouraging me to fight this, and I have hired attorneys who have sent letters to the school and are now talking about litigation. All of this is starting to become so overwhelming that I feel like I am starting to spin into a deep depression again. It is so hard to watch everyone around me succeed and pass me by in life. My question is this, should I go on with fighting the school and sink more time and energy into something I’m uncertain of? Or should I just throw in the towel and try something else. I am so conflicted and would love just a no nonsense straight answer without all the fluff. Any insight would be so appreciated.
People feel like failures when they fall behind the achievements of their over-achieving peers, but, by the age of 37, you’ve earned the right to define your progress, or lack of it, in your own terms, regardless of what your school thinks.
Of course you hate to watch your friends pass you by, but don’t ask yourself why you’re not keeping up with them. Instead, ask why you’re wasting time comparing yourself to them instead of asking yourself where you stand according to your own standards, and what you want to do next. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 14, 2012
Fear is truly frightening when it becomes contagious, usually in panic form. After all, getting scared is a manageable and sometimes life-saving experience, but getting panicked means spreading that fear to ill effect among your friends or even among your enemies. Your job then isn’t to express fearful feelings, hoping for relief but instead creating chaos; it’s to cope with the cause of your fear as constructively as possible and then draw courage from knowing you’ve done your best in a fearful world. That way you will inspire confidence in your supporters, which will hopefully be contagious, as well.
–Dr. Lastname
I got married recently, but the honeymoon period came to an abrupt end when my wife and I started fantasizing what our kids would be like and I realized that several of my wife’s relatives are mentally retarded. She has a wonderful family, but still, I don’t know how I’d deal with having an impaired child, and I can’t stop worrying. Naturally, I told her what I was feeling, hoping she could give me some reassurance, but all she said was, “well, do you want to divorce me and marry someone with healthier relatives?” I love her but I don’t know what to do with my worries. My goal is to calm down and have a healthy family.
No one knows better than a pregnant couple how truly scary life can be. The real story of the birds and the bees also involves the bear of unavoidable risk of mutation. The question then isn’t whether you should be afraid, it’s what you do with that fear.
Asking for re-assurance turns you into a kid asking grown-ups for soothing words you should never really believe. True, if they’re dumb enough to reassure you, they deserve the lawsuit you’re entitled to slap on them if things go wrong. In every other way, however, you’ve weakened yourself and spread fear to those who are relying on you for leadership.
You’re the Daddy, so act like one. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 7, 2012
It’s hard to feel independent when you’re feeling, or acting, needy, and it’s hard to be in a state of neediness without feeling like a jerk. Unfortunately, life often gives you needs that can’t be helped, so being dependent on others from time to time doesn’t make you a jerk, just human. True independence is not a matter of denying your needs or keeping imports and exports equal (though that would be nice); it’s a matter of putting your values first and acknowledging it. That way, even if you aren’t making enough money, or giving or taking an equal share, you’re making good choices.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-wife just isn’t competent to do child care, work, or much of anything, so I’ve been the single parent for my two kids and I’m proud of the job I’ve done. The only hitch is that I wouldn’t have been able to bring them up in our nice house and send them to good schools if it weren’t for my parents’ support; I’ve done a good job at everything except getting a good job. Recently, I trained up for a sales job, but now it’s clear that I’m no good at it, so now l’ll need to ask my parents for more money, and I can’t imagine how I’m going to do it. My goal is to stop being so dependent on my parents to survive.
Economic independence is a good feeling, but if it was the most important measure of a person’s worth then the most admirable person on earth would be Donald Trump (and even he had some help from dad). That’s a vision even the staunchest capitalist could not abide.
The fact is, economic independence is another of those feel-good outcomes that we influence but never fully control, so there are many reasons why good people don’t have it or come to lose it. That wouldn’t be true in a fair and perfect world, but it’s certainly true in this one. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 4, 2012
When people argue about medical self-care, be it with family or just with themselves, their feelings are often masquerading as reason. After all, emotions make decisions fraught and complicated, while reason tells you that you can never control your health, just make choices that have costs and probabilities. If you face those costs and probabilities with courage, you need never defend your decisions, regardless of their outcome. It’s natural to worry, but it’s useless to let worrying dictate what you do and don’t do with your health.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband and I have a great marriage, but there’s one issue we seldom agree on, and it’s irritating as well as worrisome. Whenever I decide to get medical advice about a problem, like back pain or anxiety, he suggests I’d do better by sucking it up and staying away from doctors and medicine, which is the way things were done in his family. I, on the other hand, believe you owe it to yourself to get good medical advice and that getting treatment is the way you take good care of yourself. I don’t like his disrespect for my opinion or his lack of sympathy when I’m clearly suffering. My goal is to get him to at least respect my point of view.
It’s natural to emotionalize health care decisions in terms of fear because that’s how we often make them: when we’re worried enough, we see a doctor.
Trouble is, worry can as easily drive you to avoid as to overuse medical care and can also embroil you in endless debates with family members whose worry style is a little different from your own. And there are many styles to choose from. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 31, 2012
The helplessness of trying to help troubled kids often brings out the fighting spirit in those who care the most. Unfortunately, without a clear enemy from which you can rescue your child, you often fight for goals that can’t happen, target other would-be helpers, and make a bad thing worse. Regardless of how helpless you feel, your goal isn’t to save troubled children from a monster or a mental illness; it’s to find out if there’s something you can do that will actually help while avoiding direct emotional conflict. Not fighting won’t relieve your helplessness, but it will let you work towards something better.
-http://www.fxckfeelings.com/ask-for-help/
My ex-wife, who is a therapist, is spooking me out about our son, whom she says she’s treating for a variety of serious problems. He’s now 10, and he’ll tell me one day, when I’ve got visitation, that he’s having suicidal thoughts, using grown-up phrases that make me think he’s just repeating something he got out of a book or from TV. Then she’ll keep him home from school and stop visitation for a couple weeks while she does “therapy” with him, at the end of which time she’ll declare that the problem is solved. A few weeks later, he won’t show up and she tells me she’s keeping him home for treatment because he’s having “panic attacks.” My kid needs help and I can’t believe her treatment is doing any good. Meanwhile, he’s not getting help from anyone else, especially not the staff of his school, who are eager to help but never see him enough (they’re already bending over backwards to keep him from repeating this year and are trying to avoid reporting him for truancy, given the number of school days he’s missed). My goal is to get my son the help he needs.
It’s hard not to unleash your wrath when your ex-wife’s insistence on playing doctor blocks the real doctor from getting through. Your own child is in trouble, your ex’s behavior is troubling, and you’re this close to tearing her a new one.
Remember, however, that nuclear wars between protective caregivers are costly and often harm the one you most want to rescue; by fighting against your ex-wife’s treatment, you’d just be increasing her blast range.
The first thing to do then is to consider the alternatives while taking comfort in the fact that there’s a great deal you can learn about your child’s problems, and a great deal you can do to help. But it’ll only work if you take things one at a time instead of taking your wife down. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2012
Earlier this week, relationships were compared to bodies—both can withstand some damage while staying healthy—and now it’s time to look at them as cars. After all, some relationships look terrible from the outside but run without a problem, while others have an envious appearance but are internally falling apart. Instead of rating your relationship on how its general appearance makes you feel, determine what you’re in the relationship for and if you were able to do your part, given the two unchangeable characters involved. Then, whether or not you fight or feel close to your partner, you can respect yourself and decide what course, even if it’s full of curves, is more worthwhile.
–Dr. Lastname
Please note: there will be no new post on Monday due to the holiday weekend. If we don’t take a day off, we’ll go nuts.
My marriage was a mismatch all along but lasted 30 years and produced 3 kids, now adult. We were young, he weak and immature, me insecure and needy after being abused and rejected as a kid. He provided and did his duty but was emotionally distant and rarely intimate with me. I had anger for both of us and acted as scapegoat for all the people who walked over him. He had an affair 20 years ago and I went crazy with anger and grief but I stayed dependent on him. Sex stopped years ago and he was tolerant of me seeing other men but still I hoped the marriage could be fixed. He left 3 years ago, bought a motorcycle, etc., but insisted he did not want divorce. He started seeing a co-worker but I only learned he had been involved with her for years when she confronted him at my home and made a huge scene about all his lying. He behaved weakly and ran away. He is still involved with this woman but does not live with her and has not started a divorce. The money remains joint. I have another man, a part time job, and my family but still harbor a vague hope that the marriage can somehow be fixed and made good. My goal is to accept reality and move from a state of limbo into letting go of a marriage which was co-dependent and unhealthy for decades.
Your marriage accomplished many of the goals that mattered most to you, your husband, and all those who approach marriage pragmatically. Most people would hope for their mismatches to be so lucky. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 21, 2012
A healthy marriage is a lot like a healthy person; one can have nagging injuries and superficial imperfections, but if there are no major malfunctions, consider yourself fit. Your partner may make a good spouse despite a roving eye, or your partner may admit that his/her version of perfect love is actually deeply flawed, revealing that your healthy marriage has actually had a malignant tumor the whole time. If you want a love that lasts, find out all you can about what your candidate has always been like as a partner before you tie the knot. Then, even if your relationship is occasionally under the weather, it still has the stuff for a long life.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t want to get hurt again by my wife’s infidelities. We’ve been married for 30 years and she’s been a good mother to our kids and a hard worker, but every few years she gets over-involved with someone she’s working with or meets socially, and crosses the line, and then she’s immediately very sorry. Last time she did it, it took me a year of therapy to get over the pain and start to trust her again. Now I see signs that it’s happening again, and I just want to withdraw and spare myself the hurt of another episode. My goal is not to be repeatedly humiliated and angry.
Of course you never want to feel humiliated or betrayed by your spouse, and her behavior definitely violates your wedding vows (or at least the implied vow to keep it in your pants).
On the other hand, people have their weaknesses, which means bad behaviors that they don’t recognize or control or both. The bottom line for you then is not how much you’re hurting, but whether the value of your partnership outweighs your hurt. It’s the Carmella Soprano/First Lady conundrum. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 17, 2012
The danger in generosity is that, whether you’re the one giving or being given to, it’s supposed to make you feel good, but often doesn’t. That’s not to say it’s good to be as selfish as Donald Trump and use your fortune to treat yourself to unlimited gold toilets, but the sad fact is, the guy who wins the lottery and tries to spread the wealth usually winds up hating and being hated by his former friends. If you focus on the long-term good you want to accomplish, however, rather than on the immediate joys of the gift, you’re much less likely to be disappointed, wounded, or punished, and much more likely to make an act of generosity into something meaningful (much more meaningful than a gold toilet).
–Dr. Lastname
My brother and I grew up poor, so one of the first things I did after I hit it big with my company was to buy him things. He’s very un-materialistic, but I knew he could use some appliances for his house, and it was my pleasure to get them for him. So I was a little shocked and hurt when he wrote me to say that he would appreciate it if I didn’t get him things. He didn’t explain why, and I knew he wasn’t trying to insult me, but it sure felt like it. Since then, I’ve felt estranged—if he doesn’t want my gifts, I feel like there’s not much to be said, and I’m just not comfortable chatting or dropping by. My goal is to honor his wishes without feeling hurt.
Thank you notes exist because people have strong feelings about the way other people respond to their gifts; it’s like a receipt for a good deed. The act of giving seems meaningless—even hurtful—if there’s no corresponding act of gratitude.
Having experienced poverty, however, you know better; a well-chosen, timely gift can enhance a person’s safety, health, and opportunity and, if the recipient is a family member, and particularly one with children, the positive impact of the gift may outweigh their lack of a positive response. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 7, 2012
Particularly when you’re expecting to raise kids, there are good reasons to commit yourself to caring for your partner through thick and thin, sickness and health. What you should recognize from the beginning, however, is that uncontrollable, bad things can happen that can make a partnership dangerous and destructive to one or more family members and then it’s your responsibility, as an individual, to do what’s necessary. Mental and neurologic illness can change personalities and create overwhelming burdens. Unrecognized character problems are equally uncontrollable and can have a similar impact. When you take your vows, keep this in mind and remember, many people who divorce are trying to choose the least of the evils that face them and haven’t forgotten the promises they made.
–Dr. Lastname (Doctor only today– the writer half is under the weather)
When I was manic and crazy, I really fucked up my marriage. For 6 months, I was talking fast, flinging money around, drinking hard, sleeping with anyone I could catch, and generally acting like an asshole. The third time I went into the hospital, the doctors found a medication that worked and, since then, I’m back to my old self but my wife has decided it’s all over. She goes out without me whenever she can and acts like she’s angry whenever we’re together. I can understand her feelings, but she won’t accept my apology. For the last 6 months, I’ve shown her my old, reliable self, but I can’t win back her trust. The problem is my bad; I should be able to make it right.
We all want marital vows to overcome whatever bad things life throws at us, and so we promise to care for our partners through thick and thin, unconditionally.
What’s stupid about such promises, however, is that some of those bad things are the size of an asteroid and can wipe out any marriage, regardless of how strong the love and commitment, and feeling obliged to stick with vows that have no escape clauses can drive you crazy.
Yes, your wife should forgive you for having a manic episode: you couldn’t help it and the part you can help—taking your medication—you’re doing well. It takes courage to resume your life and face the people you know after the humiliation and chaos of acting like a crazy jerk.
The sad thing that can’t be helped isn’t your illness; it’s your wife’s reaction to it. I assume you and others have done all you can to educate her about it and you’ve had a good opportunity to show her what your values are and regain her confidence, now that you’re well again. If it hasn’t worked, it’s not because there’s something wrong with your approach: it’s probably because there’s something wrong with your wife’s character. She just doesn’t have the strength.
Look at her closely, and you’ll probably find she’s never had the strength, meaning that she’s never been able to keep a relationship going if it hurt her too much. That’s why it’s important, when looking for a partner, to find someone who’s shown an ability to stick by her friends and family regardless of hurt. It’s a quality that’s even more important than the fact that you love one another. Without it, you’re fucked. Now you know.
So don’t make yourself responsible for her reaction, as sad as it is. You didn’t cause your illness or give her the character she has. Don’t apologize. Don’t beg. Let her know you understand your illness put her through a very hard time, but that you’re confident that you’ve recovered and that you can again be a good partner. Maybe surviving this hard time has made you stronger and wiser. In any case, if she still wants the partnership, it’s hers; if not, you both need to move on.
You need someone strong who can still love you after a manic episode, and she needs someone lucky who doesn’t get sick.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I destroyed my marriage and it’s my job to get it back, but I know I didn’t cause my illness, and I’m proud of the way I manage it. I can’t help it if my wife can’t tolerate it, but I know I need a wife who can.”
After her last hospitalization a year ago, my wife didn’t recover all that much, and she’s gradually become very different from the woman I married. Her psychiatrists tell me there’s no new treatment to try (she didn’t tolerate clozapine, which is the Hail Mary treatment for crazy thinking) and she’s probably not going to recover much more than she has now. She’s able to keep herself clean, but she still hears voices, looks befuddled, and thinks I’m spying on her for the FBI. She can do simple chores, but she’s very distractible. Most nights, she sleeps at her mother’s house because that’s where she’s most comfortable. I’ve got used to taking care of the kids on my own, and I can’t trust her with them when she’s around. I miss her terribly and I promised to stand by her in sickness and health, but I don’t know that I can stand this much longer. I feel bad about deserting her when she really can’t help it, but taking care of her and the kids is more than I can manage.
You sound like you’ve done all you can to help your wife recover from severe mental illness and it isn’t going to happen. Instead of blaming yourself or anyone else for her failed recovery, you’re facing it as a sad fact of life. What troubles you most is dealing with your marital vows to stick together through sickness and health.
Marital vows ignore the fact that some illnesses can destroy a family and present you with impossible choices. Most times, sticking together is manageable, better than the alternative, good for the kids, and the right thing to do. It’s not hard to imagine situations, however, when sticking with someone does no good for them, destroys your life, and is bad for the kids. No one likes to think of those things at a wedding, or ever.
Put aside your guilt long enough to ask yourself what she would expect of you if she were her old self and what you would expect of her if your positions were reversed. Assume that you both believe in standing by the one you love, but not if it does no good, or overwhelms the resources of the healthy partner, or endangers the kids and their future. Assess the impact she has on them and they on her. Take into account that she probably qualifies for social security/disability and may also be eligible for state services for the chronically mentally ill.
Don’t assume that the path that hurts most is the one that’s right. This is not a conflict between duty and pleasure or between selfless vows and selfishness. It’s a conflict between your responsibility to care for your wife and your assessment of the value of your sacrifice, the good it can do, and the harm it can cause to your other responsibilities.
Either way, it breaks your heart, but you have an administrative responsibility as the sole leader of the family and you need to do what will do the most good/least harm. Whatever you choose, respect yourself for bearing the burden of this choice.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I can’t leave my marriage without breaking my vows and deserting my wife when she needs me most. I can’t help the fact that she’s no longer the same person and doesn’t get much from being married to me. I’ll try to weigh the competing ethical responsibilities and do the right thing, knowing there’s no way to do right without also causing harm.”
