Posted by fxckfeelings on December 17, 2012
In most situations, it’s easy enough to get away from an unpleasant stranger; you can always slip away to the bathroom, the next subway car, or the nearest police station. With family, however, it’s not so easy to escape. If the problem is bad behavior, you may need to take protective action, but if it’s just causing uneasiness with words more than conduct, your best course of action is probably to show great restraint. In either case, you must have enough confidence in your judgment so that you don’t need to talk things out; just do what will cause the least harm, the most safety for the rest of your family, and prevent any police involvement.
–Dr. Lastname
I try to be nice to my father because, well, he’s my father, but he hates my wife and he’s always nasty to her, and it makes it hard to fit him into our family life. He just doesn’t get the idea that when you’re openly rude, people don’t want to be around you, and that, even though I’m his son, he’s not entitled to insult my wife during family visits. My wife doesn’t want him in our house, which I understand, and I can’t get him to understand he’s got to behave. He says he should be able to visit and see his grandsons, AND say and do whatever he pleases. I feel torn by having to protect my wife and family from his bad behavior. My goal is to figure out how to get through to him.
That you have the courage to tell your father what he’s doing to your wife is wrong is a good indication of your character. That your father can’t be convinced that being a dickish monster to the mother of his own grandchildren children is wrong, however, indicates very, very bad things, both about his character and your chances of ever getting him to agree to behave himself.
If your father is completely blind to the fact that being rude is, well, rude, telling him to stop being rude is essentially an impossible task; it’s the kind of denial usually reserved for nasty drunks and gay Republicans. So instead of taking on the impossible, take a step back and give yourself a task that’s merely difficult. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 13, 2012
Given how little we control our own urges, it’s not surprising that we also have trouble controlling our reactions to them, but it is odd how often those reactions are totally wrong. Brains have a pretty good track record with instincts; get thirsty when hot, get sleep when tired, get away when near snakes, etc. When people get urges that are humiliating, however, even when they’re doing a good job of controlling them, they wrongly blame themselves, but when they get controlled by noble urges, even when they’re causing terrible harm, they give themselves a pass. So, however much you love or hate your urges, don’t give yourself a hard time about stigma or anti-stigma. Instead, remember your own moral priorities and ask yourself whether you’re doing the right thing with whatever urges, pretty or ugly, that you got, and to avoid snakes.
–Dr. Lastname
I have yo yo’d with my weight for ever—I was 8 years old when I remember going on my first diet, and I had binged by lunch time. I have seen a psychologist regularly in the past and a psychiatrist more recently, and been diagnosed with a binge eating disorder as well as melancholic depression. I also have a history of being sexually abused when I was a child and required hospitalization once for an attempted suicide (prior to diagnosis) and have been on various anti-depressants. Last year I decided to press charges against my abuser and the investigation is still taking place. This was very big for me as previously I couldn’t speak about or put into words to anybody what had happened to me, but with the professional help over years, could make a police statement. I have managed to get into a healthy weight range many times in the past, but only when on a program like Jenny Craig or weight watchers, and I resent having to do these programs and can’t commit to them after I have done them once, but I can’t seem to stay in this healthy way of life on my own. I am either losing weight or putting weight on– my thought are always around food, what when and where I can eat next. I hide most of my eating from everyone including my husband. I feel like a drug addict and don’t know how to take control of my eating. I do really well in my career and other areas of my life, I just can’t flip this switch that turns me into a zombie when I want to eat. I read everything I can about these disorders, I talk about strategies with my mental health professional, but when the urge to eat takes over I go into a zone that I can’t switch myself out of. How can I stop this pattern?
Having an eating disorder is rough, but it’s even worse if you give yourself a disorder about your disorder, giving yourself a hard time for having a hard time. It’s especially unnecessary given the fact that it’s harder to find someone with complete control over unhealthy food impulses than it is to find a unicorn.
Almost everyone has trouble controlling eating habits, as evidenced, not just by the multi-billion dollar industry devoted to weight management (which, as you’ve discovered, is no silver bullet), but by the fact that very few people get permanent weight control without surgery. In reality, of course, as much as we try to control our weight, more often, it controls us. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 10, 2012
While most people yearn to believe that you can manage unresolvable conflict with communication, unresolvable usually means what it says, and nothing, from long talks to long range missiles, can make that conflict go away. The more you try to communicate, the more listening leads to louder voices and more pain, so opt instead for dialogue that stifles emotional needs for the sake of strategic goals, getting work done, and sparing the children. Learning to manage communication won’t make you happy, but unlike unbridled attempts at futile conflict resolution through intensive sharing, it won’t make you and everyone around you completely miserable.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve had fewer fights with my husband since he started spending more time in the basement bedroom, but that means we’re just putting off deciding what we’re going to do about our marriage. We avoid talking, which means he doesn’t lose his temper and throw thing, but the kids can sense the tension and we’re certainly not moving forward. My goal is to figure out if there’s any possible way to try to stay together, which probably means sharing our feelings more honestly, or if this is truly the end.
There’s a good way to communicate when a deep rift remains in a relationship after peace talks have failed, and it has nothing to do with digging deeper, expressing hard truths honestly, or bringing in professional help (be it a shrink or hit man).
Usually, communication means the ability to express ideas, but in a difficult relationship, it’s the ability to interact in a non-homicidal fashion. As such, your best communication strategy requires accepting differences, then, when the other person digs deeper and expresses whatever intense, unpleasant feeling he or she has to say about you, shutting up.
After all, if certain topics remain explosive and certain behaviors unchanged, then further talk is asking for trouble, no matter how carefully you approach talking about them or how gently you plan to do so. When you can’t negotiate your differences, you just have to learn to navigate around them. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 3, 2012
Because resentment can be so painful and ugly, people spend lots of time trying to get rid of it, usually by talking it out, trying to beat it out of themselves, or outdoing themselves in their efforts to become so rich and powerful that they’ll have nothing to resent in the first place. In reality, however, resentment tends to linger no matter what you say, do, or earn, and people do less harm when they accept that fact. So, while your heart may become stained with resentment, it can’t color your values or control your actions. Better to focus on managing your urge to kill someone than kill yourself trying to make that urge go away.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stand resenting my brother day and night, but that’s what I’ll have to do if I don’t speak to him about his decision to claim our late father’s summer cottage, where we used to go when we were kids. He feels he’s entitled to it because he’s spent more time there over the years (since I went away for school and grad school, and he didn’t), but I moved back a while ago and I’m the one with kids, and I want them to enjoy that place as much as my brother and I did. He’s a rigid guy who never gives an inch and always gets his way, and the executor has already ruled on it, but I can’t stand the idea of living the rest of my life nursing resentment. I’ll feel much better letting him know how I feel, getting it out of my system, and showing him that I’m not afraid. My goal is to handle my feelings as effectively as possible.
It’s hard to nurse resentment against an unfair or unfeeling brother, especially now that he’s submitted what’s only the most recent chapter in his many-volume history of making you feel bullied or pushed aside. By having it out with him, you’re hoping to make this history, well, history, and begin fresh with new tales of him being better-behaved because he knows he can’t push your around.
Trouble is, the one thing that’s harder than nursing said resentment is expressing it to a brother who doesn’t accept criticism, and winding up with a family feud. Whatever resentment you get off your chest will come back doubled and re-doubled, so if anything ends, it will be his willingness to speak to you and your ability to set foot inside that cottage again. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 29, 2012
Whether traumatic or dynamic, having an early and/or intense sexual experience can make you worry that your ability to have solid adult relationships will be damaged. While sexual trauma can make intimacy scary, and sexual overstimulation can distract you from it, there are ways to move past your past. If you have a clear vision of partnership and the discipline to implement it, sexual feelings need never control your life. You may never stop them from causing pain and distraction, but they can never stop you from finding and being a good partner moving forward.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently had a severe panic attack that lead me to believing I was molested as a young child. From what I know, I lost my virginity to a man in his 20s when I was 13 years old, or in 7th grade. After visiting with some old friends, I brought up an event which had happened when we were 13 years old that involved men in their late 20s or older, alcohol, and oral sex. She was horrified I brought it up, but to me, it was something that was part of my life, but after heading home that night, I began to think that maybe it wasn’t so normal for young girls to be having sex and that’s when my panic attack sunk in. For some background, I was “raised” by a 15-year-old mother who I believe loved me, but was at times, emotionally abusive and manipulative, and often times neglectful as she also had three other children after me. My father was also very young and inconsistent, I often went months without hearing from him and longer not seeing him. Anyways, eventually I lost my virginity to a man in his 20s which lead to years of promiscuity with much older men. My brother is now in his 20s and I try to gain perspective by mentally placing him next to what I perceive as a 13-14 year old, but I really can’t process the age difference. I don’t necessarily feel like a victim because I felt like such a willing participant, but lately, I’ve had this deep terrifying feeling that this sexual history goes back much further than I can remember. Although I can’t figure out what happened to me as a child, I do have these “flashbacks” that sometimes make no sense and I can’t seem to place them on a timeline, but my mind will immediately discard them and a sense of panic will set in. My goal is to come to terms with my history so I can start processing and begin to heal.
Being forced by a chance perspective to reexamine your basic assumptions about your childhood—whom you could trust, how safe you really were—can create a domino effect of doubt.
You’re now compelled to call your entire sexual history into question and wonder whether anxiety and flashbacks are side effects of the shock, or legitimate signals of unremembered sexual trauma. Between what you do remember and your lack of parental protection as a child, it could mean that you were sexually abused.
It’s never certain, however, that recalling such an experience in therapy can produce healing, and there’s a danger that delving into childhood trauma may make you feel more helpless and trap you in loops of negative thinking that keep the dominoes of doubt in perpetual free-fall. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 26, 2012
If you suffer from anxiety and depression, you know they’re like your own mental Statler and Waldorf, the two Muppet balcony hecklers, except less cute and more evil, spewing criticism that impairs your ability to feel confident and make decisions. Even when they don’t prevent you from achieving significant accomplishments, anxiety and/or depression make you believe you didn’t do as well as you should have. So, if you suffer from anxiety, learn how to tune out its constant negative chatter, or, even better, be proud of your ability to go on with the show.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m 37 years old, nearly 38. I’m undecided on whether or not to have a child. My mother died 12 years ago and I’ve been in and out of depression ever since. I definitely have a lot to be grateful for, but a lot of times I feel like I just can’t go on—the sadness and loss are still unbearable. The other thing is that I have been dealing with very bad insomnia since my mom’s death, which also makes life very difficult. I haven’t had a lot of long-term relationships but I’m in one now and it’s been 2 years. The relationship is good and he is a good man, but I’ve never had that feeling of “knowing” if he’s the right person/life long partner. There’s always something missing for me and I suppose it’s from the loss of my mom, and the reason I usually end up breaking up with boyfriends. I don’t want to keep that pattern going as I’ll end up alone. Because of my age I feel like time is of the essence and I need to make a decision—on my relationship and having a baby. I have always thought that I would have a child and I am a loving/giving person and love kids, but it’s so hard to take care of myself sometimes, I wonder if it’s right for me to me to have one. My partner wants kids (he would be a wonderful father) and I told him I’m not ready yet, but will I ever be? My goal is to come to a decision and be at peace with it.
You’ve had more than your share of pain in life, so it’s understandable that the things that should make you feel happiness, like a good relationship, are buried by exhaustion and a lingering sense of pain and loss.
Your pain hasn’t distracted you, however, from the fact that certain things make life meaningful, even when the joy they inspire doesn’t register. Apparently, two of those things for you are raising kids and having a relationship, which matter to you despite knowing that you’ll sometimes be unable to function or feel anything other than misery.
If that’s what’s meaningful to you, don’t ask yourself whether motherhood or marriage will make you happy, whether your feelings will ever be normal, or whether you’ll always be able to function as a parent. Unfortunately, it’s not your lot in life to have normal expectations about feelings or function. That doesn’t mean, however, that you can’t achieve normal goals if you’re prepared to make realistic adjustments. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 19, 2012
Normally, whoever breaks a marriage vow has first dibs on feeling guilty, but divorce, like marriage itself, is often a team effort. Often, what actually drives you away from a committed relationship isn’t restlessness or lust, but a deep and unavoidable flaw in the relationship itself. Once you confirm that such a flaw exists, don’t blame yourself for having mixed feelings; although good reasons probably remain for staying as well as going, give yourself a valid choice instead of accepting the guilt and taking one for the team.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: The next post will be next Monday, 11/26, since we’re taking time off for American Thanksgiving. We look forward to addressing your crises then.
I’ve made a mess of my marriage by cheating on my husband, and I know it. I wish I could stop, but sometimes I also wish I hadn’t let him talk me into marrying him—I tried to call it off, but he got suicidal, so I felt I had no choice. Still, it wasn’t an awful decision…he’s a good guy, we have great kids and a nice home. But I still find myself wanting to cheat, even though it causes him pain, I can’t seem to stop having occasional flings. These guys don’t really mean anything to me, but I’ve got to stop hurting my family. My goal is to stop.
You might not have a great marriage, but, like a sports team or boy band, a marriage is only as strong as its weakest member. That’s why trades exist, Justin Timberlake went solo, and the mirror is the first place to look if you’re searching for the source of your marital issues.
At this point, the burden of trying to be a good wife drives you into a bad habit that you’re ashamed of, so the worse you feel, the worse your bad habit gets. From a therapist’s point of view, it’s a gift that keeps on giving, but from your point of view, it’s a trap.
If you really want to break the cycle, your first job is clearing your head long enough to figure out whether you really want this marriage or not, challenging the idea that you’re at fault for its failure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 15, 2012
Whether you’re pushed into a major decision by loving emotions or anger and disappointment, watch out; the forces behind your decision might be pushing you off a cliff. The stronger your feelings, the more important it is to take a deep breath and figure out the risks and benefits of what you’re about to do before doing something major (or, if your feelings are negative, even opening your mouth). In either case, gather facts, do your homework, and map out consequences before push comes to shove and you commit yourself to actions you can’t take back.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I have three kids, but we’ve felt a little empty since our youngest girl hit ten and stopped being cuddly, so we’re thinking about adopting. My wife is a stay-at-home mom who’s a little moody but loves kids and has been a good parent, and I work hard at a tough career, but I’m usually around all the time on weekends. My goal is to figure out whether we can make adoption work.
Most people think that deciding on a big, emotional commitment requires a big, emotional process; i.e., since nothing causes more emotion than marriage or parenthood, decisions about getting married or having kids should arise from emotional resolutions.
While this might be a common assumption, it’s also a common refrain of this blog that such an assumption is very, very wrong.
Instead of relying on loving emotions to direct your course, consider the conditions necessary to making an adoption work. If certain conditions aren’t met, it won’t. It’s that simple.
Those are the conditions that need your closest attention, not whatever’s percolating in your heart, or, God forbid, your gut (which, as we’ve often said, is where your shittiest decisions originate, pun intended). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 8, 2012
Although stopping long-term intensive psychotherapy can leave you in a state of mourning and fear, particularly if it occurs during tough times or against your wishes, it’s unrealistic to expect that returning to therapy will make everything right again. Instead, give yourself time to adjust to change and reassess your ability to stay functional and positive. Then, if you think it’s necessary, find a therapist who’s a good, supportive coach and use him or her for a different kind of therapy that keeps your head straight without stirring up your deeper feelings. If you’re certain that you have to be “in therapy” to get helpful support and are helpless without it, then the therapy you’re in is helping you a lot less than you think.
–Dr. Lastname
In my early 20s I spent 4 years in therapy (which I think in and of itself says a whole lot about the not good place I was in my head). Therapy ended, not because I was ready, but because I moved. I am now 46, and in the years since I continued to work through a lot of things on my own, with my therapist’s voice in my head, if no longer in actual therapy sessions. In January my grandmother took a turn for the worse, with both health and cognition, and we had to place her in full nursing care. She has always been one of the most influential and positive forces in my life, so I had a hard time dealing with this. It sent me spiraling down into my 4th lifetime episode of depression. I’ve started back on Prozac, which I now realize I need to stay on for the rest of my life to try to prevent future recurrences, and I’ve spent the last 10 months in therapy with my former therapist via phone sessions as we now live 1,000 miles apart. I have finished working through a lot of stuff in that time, meaning I’ve changed my attitudes and perceptions and behaviors, which has changed my life, inner and outer. I wish I’d figured it out 25 years ago, during that first round of therapy, but better late than never. It’s been a hard year. My grandmother died 7 weeks ago. The grief hit me more than I ever imagined. I thought I’d prepared in those months when she was slowly dying, but I was wrong. What is the saying—Where there is no struggle, there is no strength? Good growth has come of the pain—I have returned to college, and I am training for my first full marathon in January. I am at a truly good place in my head and was ready to end therapy, so two weeks ago, with my therapist’s blessing, I had my last session. I knew, though, that ending therapy because I am truly ready is a celebration, but that it would also be a loss. It is currently hitting me harder than I imagined. How do I get through this and find a place of healthy acceptance of this transition?
While it’s unfortunate that stopping intensive psychotherapy after many years is hitting you hard, it’s not surprising. As you well know, loss is painful, be it the death of a loved one or the end of a source of support.
That said, your pain doesn’t mean your psychotherapy has been less complete than you thought or that you stopped it too soon, just that you can be a solid, resilient person and also be very sensitive to loss, both because of temperament and circumstances. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 5, 2012
The problem with bipolar illness often isn’t the mood swings, though they’re no picnic; it’s the strong, powerful feelings that persist even when one is perfectly symptom-free. These feelings seem totally meaningful as long as you’re in-the-moment, which is where a bipolar person happens to call home. So, if you are bipolar, don’t think your friends or family are calling you childish, selfish, or crazy when they disagree with your extremely important plans. They’re simply warning you that you need to use a different kind of thinking—the kind that doesn’t come naturally—if you want to do right by your values. If you use your whole brain, not just the bipolar part, you’ll get results that will eventually come closer to where you really want to go, no matter where your moods or impulses try to lead you.
–Dr. Lastname
My son has been off his rocker several times because of bipolar illness, but these days, at the age of 30, he usually takes his medication and often keeps a job for half a year or so. The main instability in his life is his drug-addicted, money-sucking girlfriend who steals from him to feed her habit, forcing them to move from place to place because he has nothing left for the rent. You get the picture. I hate her because she prevents my son from crawling out of poverty and I can’t help him because anything I give him goes to her. Of course, the more I hate her, the more he loves her, and now they want to get married. Now, the punch line. He wants me to pay for the wedding, the way I paid for his brother’s. Of course I’m going to say “no,” but how do I avoid having another fight with him and driving him and his Princess Bride closer together?
Whether the question of how much to pay for your son’s wedding to his deadbeat addict girlfriend is one of etiquette, economics, feelings-management, or a mix of all three, the answer is the same: your job is to do what’s best for your son.
Luckily, as sometimes happens, what you want to do is also what you should do, but keeping negative feelings out of your communication is helpful to everyone, including yourself. So, while the question isn’t all about being polite, the way you deliver your answer is.
What you’ve learned from bitter experience, unfortunately, is that giving to your son causes more harm than good by feeding his fiancée’s addiction to both drugs and your son’s attention. You’ve got good reason then to feel angry about what’s happened, or likely to happen, to your possible gifts, and also to think that they’re not a good idea in the first place.
Your job, however, is to use this bitter experience to fashion a positive lesson, which you can do by telling him how much you’d like to give to him, if only that he could make good use of your resources, i.e., he could benefit from a gift if he and his girlfriend were sober, working, and saving. Without sounding bitter or moralistic, you can tell him your conditions, and that if they can’t be met, you don’t think a gift, or a wedding, will be good for either one of them.
Of course, he will probably disagree and accuse you of trying to control his life or punish his girlfriend, but you need to stick to your message. Whom he loves and wishes to marry is his business, whether you like her or not, so expressing your feelings about his girlfriend or marriage is a bad idea. Make it clear that you want to help him get ahead, and you’re sorry you can’t agree that this is a good idea at this stage. You’re just doing your job, and while there’s no further discussion, there are good options for him and his girlfriend if they can get it together.
Asking yourself to keep your disappointment under control is similar to what you’re asking him to do– what’s right rather than what feels good. Whenever he wants something, you have a teaching opportunity, both for him and yourself.
Your goal isn’t to punish or criticize; it’s to express how strongly you’d like to help him and specify the circumstances that would allow you to do so. Maybe he’ll push his girlfriend to rise to the challenge or, if she can’t, he’ll push her away. Meanwhile, you know you did the right thing by him and the family resources.
STATEMENT:
“My skin crawls when I think about my son’s parasitic girlfriend, but I know he can’t help his blind love. Until events free him, I will offer what I can and take pride in my ability to say “no” when necessary, regardless of how he feels about it.”
My wife’s bipolar illness usually makes her spontaneous and fun, so I’d have to say we have a good marriage and have raised great kids. (As long as she takes her medication, her mood swings seldom cause serious trouble.) The only thing that bothers me is that she has an obsessive need to collect high-end antique furniture. Since she has great taste and a good inheritance, her acquisitions are usually valuable and often gain in value, and she’d be a great dealer except she hates to sell one of her precious babies and doesn’t have a feel for the market. As a result, she may well wind up losing what we need for our retirement and our house looks like a classy version of Hoarders. Whether I plead or yell about her next mega-purchase, she doesn’t listen. In all other matters, she’s generous, hardworking, and loves to make her family happy. My goal is to save our savings from her love of beautiful things.
Given your sympathetic understanding of your wife’s love of beautiful furniture, you may find it hard to think practically about the consequences of her spending on your family. Nevertheless, that’s the place to begin; regardless of your feelings (see above), your job is to figure out whether the family finances are in danger, create a budget that will protect them, determine what your own area of control is, and use it.
Sharing your emotions about her spending probably weakens your effectiveness; expressing yours just stimulates her emotions, and they’re stronger and last longer than yours. It’s not that she loves you less than she loves her furniture (although, at certain moments, that may be true), it’s that her lust for acquisitions is stronger than her fear of your disapproval.
Once you’ve found a safe spending limit, however, you don’t have to share negative emotions. Instead, be positive about the pleasures of working within those limits, assuming she can sell as well as buy, and appeal to your common desire to maintain the security of your family finances through the next generation. At the same time, make it clear you will withdraw your own financial or other support in the interest of protecting the budget if she can’t control her spending.
Don’t let fear or anger control your actions or communication. If you’re forced to put up obstacles to her spending, you’re sorry and it’s for a good reason, and, as in the situation above, it’s from necessity and not feelings. If your wife accuses you of acting like a hard-hearted, unloving CFO, don’t change your message. You’re sorry she feels that way but you’re sure you love her, she loves you, and she loves furniture. You’re also sure that the best way of protecting her business and the family fortune is to work within a budget.
With luck, conviction, and toughness, and no pleading, crying, or fuming, you can probably win her agreement to a budget with firm spending limits. She may not like it, but she’ll probably agree that it’s necessary because of the values you both believe in, regardless of the value of her finds.
STATEMENT:
“As much as I hate fighting with my wife, standing against her views when I’m not angry is harder. Knowing that our finances are at risk, however, I will create a budget that is fair and safe and stand by it, for everyone’s sake.”
