Posted by fxckfeelings on January 22, 2015
If there was an ancient koan about self-destructive people, it would probably question whether the constant screw-ups are caused by making crazy decisions, or failing to make good ones (and maybe a leaf and stream would be involved). Unfortunately, some actively self-destructive people are the way they are, and some passive failures just can’t be who they should be. So, if you’re perplexed by someone who can’t do right or can’t avoid doing wrong, don’t assume you can help or that they can help themselves. Take a careful look at their ability to accept help and do better before deciding whether help is possible, blame deserved, and certain riddles (and people) would best be left alone.
–Dr. Lastname
My sister has always had a lot of struggles in her life, starting from when she came out at a young age and lost our mother soon after. My dad has given her a lot of support financially over the years and continues to do so, even though she’s got a partner (male) and a baby whom we all adore and look after any chance we get. Here is where the rest of the family and I are starting to get concerned; ever since my niece was born, my sister smokes pot daily with the baby right beside her, and recently she’s been making some rash decisions: breaking up with her partner who loves her and supports her; dating a woman with a history of being unstable and bringing her to their house; and planning to move out although she has no job/income. The whole situation is starting to take its toll on my aging dad (who is very involved in the care of her child) as well as the rest of the family, and if anyone tries to broach our concerns with her she explodes into a rage. Ultimately I think the root of the problem is the pot addiction (maybe combined with the anti-depressants), her unwillingness to quit smoking, and the fact that our nephew is affected. We are all at a loss as to what to do and how to approach it for fear of alienating her and thus our nephew, but we need to set some boundaries around our support for her. Or, do we stay out and let her live her life, meanwhile watching how it affects our nephew and divides the family? Our goal is to figure out how to offer help without getting cut off and heartbroken.
Unfortunately, you’re right in assuming that your sister will probably respond negatively to any limits you place on her. In short, if you imply that she’s fucking up her life, she’ll say fuck you, but with you and your family cut off, your niece will be extra fucked over.
The key to not making things worse as you try to help is remembering that some people are just like that and can’t be rescued. You can be sure that your sister’s messing up her life because she’s designed to do just that; she’s a human wrecking ball, but nobody’s at the controls. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 19, 2015
Strong feelings, like sports victories and financial losses, often seem inherently important and noteworthy, but, in reality, they mean very little taken out of context. Sometimes you feel something strongly just because you’re especially touchy (or don’t feel that much because you’re comfortable and momentarily undisturbed), so, as with an extra-inning win for a team that’s already been eliminated or a million dollar loss to a billionaire, it’s a small blip in the bigger picture. Don’t then jump to conclusions about your strong feelings, or their absence, until you’ve considered what you’re after and what you consider most important. Then you’ll know whether your feelings are a big deal or a bunch of nothing.
–Dr. Lastname
Let me preface this by saying that I am seeing a psychiatrist and on two medications, yet I continue to struggle with depression, as well as multiple sclerosis (MS). My problem though involves my husband, who has been my rock. When I met him, he was a hunk. We created two gorgeous children thanks to his gene pool; I often think that if I didn’t carry them people wouldn’t believe they were mine! He is a stand-up guy who comes from a great loving family, does the laundry, buys the groceries and cooks when I can’t— he even makes the coffee every the morning. I absolutely love my husband, but…am I still in love with him? I know that he’s great, and the sex isn’t bad, but I’ve just lost that loving feeling, as the saying goes. My goal, I guess, is to get that loving feeling back.
Many feelings—loving, hating, hurting, etc.—are sometimes experienced more intensely by people with MS because of subtle changes in the brain. It can act like a magnifying glass, blowing up your every emotion and, in some cases, leaving a burn.
In your case, your love for your husband hasn’t intensified, but your need to feel in love with your husband, and awareness that you aren’t as intensely in love as you once were, have become overpowering. And having strong feelings about weak feelings can feel like a strong force striking your brain.
Luckily, there’s no reason you can or should change your feelings. What you should do, however, is question their importance when compared with your values, sense of the alternatives, and the possible influence of your illness. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 15, 2015
When it comes to navigating through problems in a relationship, you can’t always trust your ability to recognize the difference between major issues that can be worked through and those which mark the end of your journey altogether. Even if you can see what terrain lies ahead, there may still be no clear route to getting past the issue. So don’t assume you should have an intuitive relationship GPS to tell you how to overcome problems and know which are predictable or your fault. When things go wrong, re-analyze your plans and prepare to accept sudden changes to your destination.
–Dr. Lastname
After some rocky years, I’ve worked hard to build a supportive relationship with my son, but I’m worried about his new girlfriend. He’s crazy about her, and she seems to like him, but she was so surprisingly critical of him and everyone else at our first meeting that I left feeling very worried. He explained afterwards that she’s very sensitive because she was abused and that she’d made it clear to him that she was sorry that she had lashed out, but that didn’t do much to ease my concerns. Then again, if I asked him why she treats him badly and why he puts up with it, he would just stop talking to me. But if I say nothing, I’m worried I will lose him to a very unhappy relationship with a difficult woman. My goal is to save him from rejection or worse without possibly sacrificing what we’ve struggled to maintain.
Any time parents take on the responsibility of saving their kids, there’s often a huge sacrifice involved, i.e., a savings account, a kidney, or, if you’re literally taking a bullet for your kid, a pulse.
Thankfully, saving your kid from a bad relationship need not be your responsibility, nor must it require a huge sacrifice of any kind, from losing your life to your fragile relationship with your son. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 12, 2015
Like dental surgery, high school, and Bar Mitzvahs, humiliation can be pretty painful, but it’s not always a good thing to avoid. Sure, it sometimes makes you reactive to people and values that don’t really deserve your attention, but other times it alerts you to the fact that you’ve been acting like a jerk and need to change. So, before fighting the fact that you looked or done bad, judge your own behavior to know whether it’s time to clean up your act, or just pay attention to doing what you think is right. Then you’ll gain something from your suffering, even if it’s just knowledge and not passage into manhood.
–Dr. Lastname
Christmas day turned into a nightmare this year because I failed to set a clear boundary with my adult kids, and the fall out has set me back on antidepressants. My soon-to-be ex-husband chose to spend the entire holiday with the family of the woman he had a long affair with. I have tried to be civil to her and my kids have met her for the sake of their father, but when my daughter wanted to set up a Skype session with her dad from my house, it was a step too far for me. My protests were overruled, and it all got worse when one of my other kids became angry and refused to participate, which led to un unpleasant atmosphere and bickering. I intervened only to realize that the woman and my ex could see me and hear what was going on. I felt humiliated and very angry to be put in this situation in my own home. The day was wrecked for all of us and I did not help by getting drunk and overturning the tree. I wish to be able to have minimal contact with my ex while accepting that my kids want him in their lives. My goal is to avoid triggers like this by setting firm and clear boundaries, knowing my limits, and having a coping strategy to maintain self-control.
It’s always hard to set boundaries if you don’t know what you’re setting them for; most middle eastern countries were given fairly arbitrary boundaries, so it’s not surprising that that region and your Christmas experience have an eerily similar level of conflict.
Your intended boundaries may be more purposeful than those given to Pakistan, but if your purpose is to avoid humiliation, then you’re giving top priority to the way you look to other people. Particularly to your ex-husband’s soon-to-be new wife, and she’s the last person whose importance, or even streamed image, you want to amplify. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 8, 2015
Unless you’re a robot, lobotomized, or the anti-cable news pundit, it’s impossible to assess a situation without some level of inherent, personal bias. It’s especially difficult if you’re assessing your own decisions; your judgment will appear consistently poor if you’re self-critical, or consistently justified if you’re critical of everyone else. Whatever your nature, don’t leave self-judgment to your reflexes; regardless of whether you tend to blame yourself, others, or both, take time to measure the moral value of your actions, particularly when life forces you to make compromises. Then act accordingly by protecting yourself when you deserve it, and making improvements when that’s what you should do, so you push your bias towards doing what’s best.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-husband isn’t a bad guy, but he was and is a drinker who much prefers hanging out at the bar with the boys. We get along OK though, so we still live in the same house because we can stand to and it’s best for the kids. Lately, however, I haven’t had my usual energy due to my Crohn’s disease, and it bothers me. I always do OK at my full-time job and I never mess up caring for the kids, but I’ve been letting some of the household cleaning chores slide, and my ex has been giving me a hard time about it. I know I’m fucking up, so his criticism really gets to me. My goal is to find a way to restore my energy or at least get him to be more understanding of my condition.
Even if you and your ex are technically apart, it’s nice to keep things peaceful and together for the kids’ sake. It’s not nice, however, if the arrangement is putting so much pressure on you that you’re coming apart at the seams.
If you focus too much on responding to criticism and forget about whether you do or don’t deserve it, you take responsibility for shit you don’t control. And just because your ex can’t control his drinking doesn’t mean you can’t control your reaction to his complaints. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 5, 2015
We’ve written many times about the way mental health professionals especially tend to be either demonized or canonized; nobody expects their dentist to fix their lives or thinks their accountant is a monster and a fraud when s/he’s not perfect, but these are the expectations for those who deal in problems that are frightening and poorly understood, like mental illness. People would like to think therapists can provide control, but they’d also like to think the problem will go away by itself if you return to your usual routine. If you can accept the fact that some problems can’t be solved, however, and that the influence of professionals is always limited, you’ll be ready to learn everything you need to know and become your own expert on tough problems, imperfect professionals, and, if you’ve got the time, your own taxes.
–Dr. Lastname
My fifteen-year-old son does poorly in school whenever he gets depressed, which is fairly often, but his current school’s counseling staff is totally worthless—they haven’t just failed to help him, but so many students that their ineptitude is an open secret amongst parents and teachers—so I’m worried that they won’t do much for him once the depression starts and his grades slip. My goal is to figure out what to do to get his school to provide the counseling services he (and other kids) deserve.
If counseling were a reliably good treatment for depression and was available exclusively through schools, then you’d have a worthwhile fight on your hands. The movie version would win awards and you’d get your face on a dollar coin.
Unfortunately for your Oscar dreams, but fortunately for your son, the stakes for your battle aren’t nearly that high.
In reality, the help that almost all counseling provides is limited, and may have less to offer now that you and your son are knowledgeable about depression and can talk to one another about it. Your school’s counseling staff may be especially weak, but their legendary ineptitude need not get in your son’s way. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 29, 2014
When you’re about to knowingly get involved in an unpleasant situation—job evaluation meeting, lunch with in-laws, childbirth, etc.—it’s natural to mentally prepare yourself in order to make the experience slightly less awful. Sometimes, however, both options—expecting the worst or hoping for the best—can open you to more suffering. So don’t expect to find an antidote to the pain of disappointment, whether or not you can see it coming. Often, bearing it is the only way to carry on, whether that means getting through labor or maintaining flawed but important relationships.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: Just as we took a day off on Christmas Day, we’ll be off on January 1st. Here’s to a (mostly) happy and healthy New Year, and we’ll see you in 2015.
My brother drives me nuts, but the sad fact is that I drive myself nuts thinking about how much he’s going to bother me before he and his wife and kids even arrive for family get-togethers. It’s not unjustified; sometimes, he acts like a jerk, criticizes my life choices, and takes my things without asking. Still, in the week or so before I know I have to see him, I find myself imagining all the possible, horrible things he could do or say—some only vaguely possible—and I’m furious with him before he even arrives. Maybe I’m paranoid, or an angry person, but I wish I could stop before I lose my mind or stab my brother for something he hasn’t done. I can’t go through another Christmas like this one. My goal is to not let my brother bother me so much, in my mind and in real life.
Part of you can’t help but love your brother, even if you also hate him, and part of that part hates yourself for hating him so much, or thinking about how you hate him so much, while the rest of you hates thinking about the issue at all. He’s the conflict that just keeps on giving.
The one upside to your emotional clusterfuck of a relationship is that you know better than to attribute your conflict to a single issue that, if you could just talk it out or have a nice, healthy fistfight, would be finally over and done with. You can’t talk out a quagmire, or punch it out, either. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 22, 2014
Freaking out is good for your health in the moment if you’re facing a lion, zombie, or Beyonce, but if the moment passes and the freak-out doesn’t, then you’ve got problems. Some people then freak out about freaking out and see nothing but dark clouds sweeping in, while others shut the world out entirely and create a darkness of their own. In either case, if you don’t want fear to run your life, learn to assess your real risks and actual strengths. Then you can face anything from scary thoughts to American royalty without freaking out too much and feeling like your life is over.
–Dr. Lastname
Over the last few years, my panic attacks have been getting worse and nothing seems to work. So far, I’ve been able to hold it together and do my job, but I often have to hide in the bathroom for short periods in order to catch my breath and talk myself off the ledge. Valium helps a bit, but I have to be careful not to take it regularly or I’ll get addicted, which I’m very frightened of happening because addiction runs in my family. Other medication hasn’t helped, nor have changes to my diet and exercise routine, so I’m getting scared and desperate. My goal is to find a psychiatrist who can help me before anxiety ruins my life.
When you’re prone to experiencing random episodes of intense, meaningless fear that make your heart race, your throat close up, and your brain tell you the world is ending, it’s hard to be optimistic. They don’t call them panic attacks because they make you freak out about how great your future will be.
On top of that, panic attacks have no cure and, as you get older, anxiety tends to get worse. So, while it’s not surprising if you see the light at the end of the tunnel as either a train, a laser cannon, or the fires of hell itself, you have good reason for hope. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 18, 2014
The human mind is capable of many complex, inscrutable functions, but when it comes to hopeless situations, they’re processed by a part of our brains that hasn’t evolved since we had tails. That’s why, in those moments, our instincts tend to go one of two stupid ways: either you deduce that nothing’s working and never will, or that nothing’s working but definitely will if you try the opposite of whatever you’re doing now. Thus does our lizard brain control our response to foreign policy, midterm elections, and alcoholism. Better to force some human-level reasoning to what’s rarely an either/or situation and respect what you’re able to accomplish with what you control. When your instincts tell you to give up is when you know you need to give a situation more thought.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m an alcoholic (with twenty years of sobriety), so when it became clear my daughter also had the disease, I tried to stay focused on doing my best to help her and not start freaking out and blaming her or myself. I think I did OK because my daughter is trying to stay sober and goes to meetings every day (I know, because she’s living at home now), but every eight weeks or so she stops going and, a couple days later, she’s drinking again. We then have a talk and she gets back on the wagon, but it wears me out and I’m losing hope. My goal is to figure out how we can get out of this rut without something horrible happening first.
It’s tough to see your daughter with an illness you know so much about and yet couldn’t prevent; given the season, you must feel like her ghost of Christmas future, if Christmas was less about Jesus and more about just drinking a lot.
On the other hand, it also sounds like you bring a great deal of knowledge and wisdom to the job of helping her. You don’t get outraged when she slips, and, perhaps as a result, she recovers her sobriety pretty quickly. Then, you manage to keep from losing it when she loses her sobriety all over again. At least until now. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 15, 2014
As with nuclear waste, old hard drives and used take-out containers, there’s no clear way to dispose of unpleasant thoughts; some people feel like nasty feelings should be buried and ignored, and others that they must be purged and shared in order to be expunged. In actuality, feelings often aren’t unworthy even when they make you feel vaguely guilty, and don’t need airing even when they whine at the door and ask to be released. Before you decide whether your thoughts are hazmat grade, weigh them against your values and the consequences of self-expression. Often, you’ll find they don’t need to purged, just safely ignored.
–Dr. Lastname
After 25 years of happy marriage and three great kids together, I lost my wife to cancer two years ago. I think I’m ready to find another partner at this point, but I felt weird the other day when a co-worker suggested he set me up with a friend and I said I wasn’t ready. The truth is, I know a bit about her and, though she’s a nice person, she’s been struggling to find fulltime work for a few years now and there’s no way I could afford my current lifestyle if I had to support a partner. My goal is to figure out whether there’s something wrong with putting money ahead of love.
Having raised three kids and nursed a wife through cancer, you know that money isn’t the enemy of love— life is.
Life throws trouble at you, like medical problems and tuition, and love is what helps you give things their proper priority and makes you hurt when you can’t do as much as you’d like.
If you had no one to love in your life, and no better opportunity to find someone to share it with, then you might have good reason to sacrifice wealth and stability for a loving partnership. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
