Posted by fxckfeelings on July 27, 2009
When you work at a family business, you often feel obliged to go above and beyond what would normally be expected of you. But if “above and beyond” means your job has forced you into a moral quandary and a double life as a cop or therapist, then it’s time to forget family and get rational. And if you still can’t figure out a solution, it’s time to get a new job.
–Dr. Lastname
My family has had a business going back three generations; now my dad’s in charge, my sister and I work there, plus a bunch of cousins, aunts, and uncles. I was looking through one of my client’s files when I saw some numbers that looked off. Going through the records, it became clear that this was a persistent inaccuracy, so I went to my sister, who actually does the accounting. She was really upset I’d come to her—she admitted she’d cooked the books a bit, and hoped I wouldn’t notice—but begged me not to say anything to anyone or be mad, because our father had told her to do it, and said he had a good reason. I don’t want to ask my father what that reason is—even though I can’t imagine what reason he has in mind—but I do want him to stop, because he’s putting the entire business in danger. At the same time, he’s my father, and if I do challenge him, it would really upset him and everyone else in the family. They respect him and would consider it disloyal to question his judgment or put the family in trouble. But wouldn’t going under or getting sued also upset the family? I’ve always believed in doing the right thing, but is it right to confront him and get everyone mad at me and possibly lose my job, or to say nothing and be part of something dishonest? It’s killing me not to have an answer, and that’s my goal.
If you assume that there’s always a good way to do right—that there’s a black and white right and wrong—you’ll often make things worse for you and your loved ones. Simple-minded idealists probably do more harm in this world than all the thieves combined.
The problem with these idealists is that they elevate the peaceful feeling of a good conscience above considering what happens next or whom it harms. If this actually were a simpler world where the only temptations came from destructive or selfish impulses, and all of us really had the same ability to choose between good and evil…well then, that sounds like a very simple, logical place to be. But it also sounds like one nation under Skynet.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 8, 2009
These two cases are based on feedback we got from our sibling-related post a week ago. Thanks to the anonymous readers who took the time to write in, and we hope these respond to your concerns.
–Dr. Lastname
Last week, someone wrote in asking how to react to his younger brother’s claim that their father had molested him, and you told the older brother, essentially, to tell his younger brother to move on. I find myself in a similar position to that younger brother—my step-father molested me for years—but A, there is no doubt as to my claims, I assure you, and B, I have yet to tell my family (my step-father just died). If and when I do tell my family, if they react the way you instructed that guy to react, I’d be pretty furious, and frankly, I can’t believe you’d give anyone that advice. It’s taken me years to come to terms with what happened, and I couldn’t tell anyone what happened, let alone my family, until several years after the abuse stopped/I got away. I don’t think I’m wrong in expecting my family to support me, and besides, isn’t advising the older brother to tell his abused sibling just to “move on” just a way of excusing the father’s behavior for the sake of the family reputation while letting his younger brother suffer yet more humiliation? I’m not writing in for advice—my goal is to get you to admit your advice was deeply flawed.
One very tough part of disclosing long-ago sexual abuse is that you have so little control over how members of your family, or anyone, will react. In some families, you will be embraced by people who believe in you, validate your experience, and are grateful that you spoke out. Your courage in doing so will be well rewarded.
But in many families, there are people who can’t believe the abuse happened or who aren’t strong enough to face what they know (even though they’ve otherwise proven themselves to be very loving and supportive while you were growing up.). Your courage will not be rewarded, or even appreciated in the slightest.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 3, 2009
It’s wedding season, which means we’ve got a couple of cases involving equal helpings of drama, family/friends, and bullshit. Indeed, fxckfeelings.com is the ideal place to speak now or forever hold your peace.
–Dr. Lastname
My best friend is marrying an asshole next month, and I’ve tried to keep my mouth shut, but now that the wedding is almost here, I really worry I’m letting her make the biggest mistake of her life. She and I have known each other since high school, and while this isn’t the first jerk she’s dated, he’s certainly one of the most manipulative and creepy, and, sadly, the first one to bring up marriage. I’m fairly certain that he’s cheated on her already, but I have no proof, and besides, I can tell that she’s too in love with him to listen to me. Is there anything I can say to her to make her see sense? Should I look hard for proof of his asshole-ishness? My goal is to speak now or forever hold my peace/have to avoid one of my oldest friends until the messy divorce.
You probably already know this since you’ve kept your mouth shut for so long, but just to state the obvious, opposing her feelings of love with your feelings of mistrust is a good way to end your friendship with your betrothed friend and strengthen her isolation. Doing that will make her more reliant on her fiancé. You will have vented your dislike and done your duty/more harm than good.
A better goal is to see if you can get your friend to be more careful in terms of making such an important life decision, without suggesting in any way that your negative feelings for her fiancé are the reason for your advice. You can tell her to look before she leaps without indicating that there’s a specific pile of shit to avoid.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 27, 2009
Protecting one’s children is a powerful instinct, but it’s important not to become so blinded by that instinct that you can’t see if your protection is doing more harm than good. The two kids in these cases are particularly vulnerable, but their parents might be so committed to fighting for their kids that they can’t see how they’re actually declaring a larger, futile war.
–Dr. Lastname
My son is in 5th grade, and my wife and I were recently called into a meeting with the vice principal to discuss my son’s behavior. We were told that he routinely disrupts class, talks back to teachers, throws balls over the wall at recess, and, overall, “refuses to behave.” His school work is terrible, I admit that, and she says that this is because it’s nearly impossible to teach him since he won’t focus or really do anything but act up. Her recommendation was meeting with a school-appointed psychiatrist, and that that doctor would likely prescribe medication for ADHD. My wife is OK with that plan, but I think the situation is crazy, not my kid. He’s 10 years old, of course he’s acting like a brat, and I’m sick of people throwing drugs at every child that doesn’t sit still. I don’t want my son turned into some Ritalin zombie. My goal is to get him to get him in line with his school without putting him on pills.
You’re the parent, the tough decisions are always your responsibility, and the decision whether or not to medicate your kid is a hard one. What you and any right-thinking teacher or doctor would prefer, first and foremost, is a non-medical way of helping your son control his behavior.
While the common perception (yours included) is that shrinks like myself are eager to put people on the pharmaceutical bandwagon, that simply isn’t an infallible truth. Medication is never entirely safe, and is certainly less safe than most non-medical interventions, like behavioral treatments. Just because doctors can prescribe medication doesn’t mean it’s always our go-to answer.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 17, 2009
When everything in life seems to be going wrong, somebody’s bound to assure you, “at least you’ve got your health.” The problem is, no matter how much yoga we do and kale we choke down, we can never really control how healthy we are. Here are two cases of people who, in one way or another, are worrying themselves sick.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband and I just got pregnant, and while our parents are overjoyed, husband and his family keep ribbing me about my birth plan, and it’s starting to piss me off. Mainly, they think I’m stupid or something because I want a homebirth, and while my husband supports my decision—which I came to after reading some books, talking to friends, etc.—he’s made it clear that he thinks a conventional delivery would be smarter (and his mother now calls me “flower child” to my face, which isn’t funny, just weird). Conventional medicine isn’t always right, especially when it comes to taking into account the psychic scars that come from delivering a child in a sterile environment where s/he isn’t allowed to bond with his/her mother immediately, etc, etc. I just want to make sure that I have that our child is healthy and happy from his/her first second, and I hate that my husband thinks that this is a joke. My goal is to get him on board to put our baby’s health first and his stupid preconceptions second.
The scary thing about getting pregnant is knowing how much of your future happiness depends on having a healthy baby, and how powerless you are to guarantee that future. Of course, you do the usual—good nutrition, medical screening, no alcohol—but, in the end, there’s a natural process at work that goes wrong a certain percentage of the time regardless of prayer, diligence, organic this or holistic that. That’s life in its rawest form.
Our usual human reaction to such mortal helplessness is to invent and believe in various methods of control–some of which are incompatible with others–and then wage war with those who got it wrong, all of which splits the family and intensifies blame when something goes wrong. Welcome to why parenting is so hard.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 7, 2009
Since Monday was about anxiety, it makes sense that Thursday should be about the peanut butter to anxiety’s jelly– depression! In these two cases, depression has created urgent circumstances, not just for someone in pain, but for a sympathetic bystander. And, as often happens, the negative beliefs caused by depression are much more dangerous than depression itself.
–Dr. Lastname
Someone I’m close to called and e-mailed me a few times last night about killing himself, and this isn’t the first-time this has happened. The last time I got him to call a hotline and get help, and he agreed to go to therapy, but for whatever reason, it didn’t take, and now we’re back to square one. I’d like to believe that this time is another false alarm—that the fact he tells me he’s going to kill himself means that he wants me to talk me out of it—but how can I ever be sure? When he called last night, he asked me if I wanted to kill myself with him, I said no, but then he hung up before I could ask him where he was. Without a location for him, I didn’t feel like I could call the police, but I did call his parents (they couldn’t reach/find him, either). I don’t know what else to do, and frankly, I’m terrified. Please help me do whatever I can to keep him alive.
It’s dangerous to try to save the life of a suicide bomber, and that’s what certain very angry suicidal people are. It’s dangerous for them as well as for you, because the fact of your caring may give them a witness, a target for their anger, and a sense of meaning to their death.
If you don’t respond to his calls, he may take perverse satisfaction in letting you know he died because you failed him. If you do respond, he may tell you that you’re the only person keeping him alive.
Along the way, he tries to talk you into joining him. Whatever. He puts a terrible responsibility on you for his tortured life, and things go downhill from there.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 3, 2009
To most, freedom from fear seems like a reasonable goal; after all, ridding yourself of all anxiety would reduce your blood pressure, whiten your teeth, get rid of your gut, etc. Never mind that the possibility of a fear-free existence is sold to us by everyone from alarm companies to boutique medical practices. The problem is that fear, like happiness or anger, is, you guessed it, out of our control. Here are a couple cases where wanting to control fear clouds the real goal at hand; living in the face of ever present danger.
–Dr. Lastname
I didn’t used to be an anxious person, but I haven’t felt right since I got mugged a few months ago (I was jumped, robbed, and beaten pretty bad, and yes, amazingly, they caught the guys). I’m afraid to go out after dark and I wake up with nightmares, which is bad, but somewhat manageable and at least makes sense. What I’m really having trouble with are the less-than-occasional anxiety attacks with dizziness, shortness of breath, nausea, the works, and they’re completely incapacitating. It’s not just unhealthy, it’s making my life impossible. I should be able to stop them if I can get to the bottom of this trauma, right? I’ve lost my peace of mind and I want to get it back.
You don’t recover from trauma by recovering your peace of mind because, first, it’s often impossible and, second, it may be undesirable, at least if you define peace of mind as the absence of fear and anxiety. Simply put, life is dangerous. While you might not see your brain’s fearful reaction to your trauma as positive, it’s just adjusting by putting you on permanent alert for the next attack.
In doing so, it’s preserving you and passing on your genes to the next generation, which is more likely to have the same guard-against-attack thermostat. So don’t feel it’s wrong to be post-traumatically anxious; the anxiety may tire you out, but it’s also there to make you hyper-alert to the next threat, whether it comes by day or night.
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