Posted by fxckfeelings on March 8, 2012
On the pie chart of what goes into a healthy relationship, sex should never be the biggest slice; that’s putting the most emphasis on the one element of a relationship over which people have the least control. Besides, the fact that it can ignite all your circuits or trigger vast yearnings doesn’t mean it will find you, or make you, a good long-term partner. If your partner is loyal, caring, and reliable, then how frequently you get a piece shouldn’t take the biggest piece of the pie.
–Dr. Lastname
My 34-year-old husband is a wonderful, sexy, kind, sensitive, clever man. Fourteen years ago, however, he had a severe meth addiction that got him in jail. After ten years sober, he started drinking a few years ago, but, having worked in the addiction field, I don’t think the drinking is an issue at all, though I do think the meth has really screwed with this head. What he does have an issue with is intimacy and sex. We have a wonderful relationship so we’ve talked extensively about the problems we have—erectile dysfunction. He says that the meth fucked with his head sexually, and that it made it very difficult for him to have “normal,” i.e., non-aggressive sex. Before me, he found sex fine with women he was not emotionally connected with, but as soon as feelings came in, the sex became more difficult. Early in our relationship, sex wasn’t an issue, but as soon as we got engaged, and then married—it became very difficult. He’s warm and loving, and doesn’t want to be ‘aggressive’ with me, which means he can rarely get it up. We kiss and touch a lot, but it’s getting harder and harder to deal with; I feel rejected, he doesn’t feel like a good husband or a ‘real’ man, though I tell him every day how much I love him. When we do manage to have sex, it’s beautiful, but he rarely comes, and is rarely hard all the way through, and it’s infrequent. I definitely think it’s a psychological issue, and so does he. He talks about feeling massive anxiety and pressure that he will lose me, and this makes the problem worse. It seems this combination of our (new) marriage, his lousy job, and his past is putting a huge psychological pressure on him. I’m not sure what to do—do we go to therapy together? Him alone? What kind of therapist? How do I deal with this? I’ve been endlessly patient, I’ve snapped and lost my temper, I’ve reassured him, I’ve cried. I love him so much and I want to help him and us, and also make sure that I deal with it right.
The trouble with trying to fix sexuality by understanding its psychological underpinnings is that it turns an inability to perform into a personal failure. As we always say, figuring why something’s wrong isn’t the same as figuring out how to make it right.
Sex aside, you get along well with your husband, who seems like a hardworking guy with the strength of character to stick with a job he doesn’t like and stay off drugs. You feel respect and affection for one another. So far, so good.
In other words, you have a good marriage, even if he doesn’t have a lot of orgasms. Your relationship has the important stuff, so don’t give sex any more importance than necessary. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 5, 2012
Co-worker Counseling
As anyone who’s done time in a cubicle knows, co-workers often give and take well-intentioned advice in order to make the team work better and/or save one another trouble. The problem is that giving unsolicited advice, no matter how well-intentioned, and regardless of the context, is as tricky as defusing a bomb; one wrong word or movement and you’re dodging fall-out for weeks. So, if the advice you want to give seems personal or targets a weakness about which someone is sensitive, it’s more likely to damage relationships that, since work is work, are inescapable. Don’t think of giving advice, or reacting to it, until you’ve found a way to take out the sting and remove any implication of personal failing. You can do it, but only if you’re willing to keep your deeper feelings to yourself (and/or keep your eye out for a new place to work).
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know how to respond to a co-worker of mine, who has always looked down on me for being sloppy. I’m not the best lab-tech in the world, but I’ve been doing it for years and I’m pretty good (my boss agrees). This particular colleague, however, is gung-ho about improvement and peer feedback and he started up this self-rating program that identified neatness as a positive value for good work. Now he wants to help me be neat to improve my work (his words!) and I want to take my fingers and shove them up his nose. My goal is to respond appropriately.
Most people feel responsible for their weaknesses, particularly one like sloppiness, which seems voluntary and controllable. As a result of this mistaken point of view, slobs, like the overweight and the flakey, live in a (messy) world of shame.
After all, they’ve heard from parents and teachers how much more they could achieve if they would take neatness seriously and accept help in improving themselves, tried to take that advice seriously…and kept cluttering all the same. So no wonder you feel like dumping garbage all over your colleague’s neatness parade. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 1, 2012
A serious trauma will change the way you see the world, but if you’re not careful, it will also try to change your very beliefs by distorting your feelings and perceptions. You can’t prevent it from causing depression, anxiety, and lots of fear, but if you know what matters in your life and are determined to continue on your course, you can stop it from affecting your beliefs and drawing you into vicious cycles of isolation, conflict, and more trauma. Trauma is random and meaningless; your job is to give meaning to the part of yourself that endures it and still believes you can make the world a better place.
–Dr. Lastname
After a dark couple of years fighting off my worst bout of depression, anxiety and PTSD from a bad sexual assault (aren’t they all!) last year finally saw the fog lift and for me to really get back into my creative work which is now doing really well. I met a guy a few months ago. He is the first man that makes we want to really tackle some of my man issues, so I can really connect in an emotional and sexual way with him. We haven’t been intimate yet as I have been traveling for work, but I am returning soon. I cannot wait to see him, we talk every day and we really do have a special bond already. He has commented on my ‘aloofness’ at times and my ‘shutting down’. I don’t want him to think I don’t care about him, or that it is his fault. For the first time ever, I am considering telling him about the assault (I have never told a partner before) but I worry that it would be too big for him to handle, or that he would treat me differently, either like I’m a fragile victim or that I’m damaged goods. I don’t want or need a rescuer. My goal is to make a decision that would not only benefit me but us as a couple.
When deciding whether to tell a new friend about your abuse, what’s important isn’t whether you tell, but how. You never, ever want trauma to define you; it’s what you do with it that counts.
Post-trauma depression can leave you with hopeless thoughts about your inability to trust or be happy again. It tempts you to regard moments of anxiety and withdrawal in a new relationship, not as normal new relationship jitters, but as evidence of permanent damage and an incapacity to relate.
What you know, however, is that you’ve survived those fears and reflexes while going on with your life and taking the risk of getting close to someone new. They won’t stop you (unless you happen to pair up with a guy who can’t stand occasional depression and aloofness, in which case, he’d be better off with a robot).
So, if you haven’t let being a trauma victim hold you back so far, don’t treat yourself like one now. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 27, 2012
There’s no doubt that the welfare of kids’ should come first when you think about the pros and cons of continuing a difficult parenting relationship; after all, kids are what what parenting partnerships are for, and your self-esteem will never be great if you know you didn’t do your best for your child. That said, it’s important to be realistic about whether your relationship will let you be the parent you want to be and what the optimal distance is for minimizing conflict and security threats to your child. No matter how you feel about love and intimacy, you made a kid, and now you have to make that kid come first.
–Dr. Lastname
Recently, maybe 5 months ago, me and my ex broke up. I thought we were perfect together but I found out she had sex with 2 guys while we were strongly involved. I tried to be her friend, but it was hard, so things kind of went back to normal, even though I still couldn’t trust her and still don’t. We don’t go out anymore, but now I’ve found out that she’s pregnant with my child, although the doctor said it’s just a 50% chance that the baby lives. If the baby does live I want to be there for my child but I don’t want to be involved with the mother intimately in any way. If the baby doesn’t make it I don’t want to have anything to do with her anymore, period. How do I deal with the situation if the baby does live? I believe that a family should be a mother and father at home together, but I can’t love the mom, even if I want to be there through every step of my child’s life. If the baby doesn’t make it, then how do I get over her and the fact that she hurt me by sleeping with other guys as well as our baby not making it? Should we try to be friends, get back together, or cut all ties?
You’ve got great values, which, unfortunately, generate their own kind of unhappiness. You’re right to make providing a good stable home for your child your first priority, but you’re screwed with a mom like this.
Unfortunately, you probably can’t have the family you want without having a partner who’s fundamentally different from your ex-girlfriend; a different woman with a different personality and a different set of values (i.e., values more like yours).
So, unless your ex somehow recognizes her impulsivity and sincerely wants to become a better and better-controlled person (not for you, but for herself and the baby), she’s unlikely to become a stable partner for anyone. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 23, 2012
Mental illness, much like the devil, performs its greatest trick when it convinces the sufferer it doesn’t exist. That’s why some sick people don’t believe they’re sick, because they’re too sick to know, while others fall into denial rather than admit they don’t have control and can’t get it. If that includes you, don’t worry; you can force yourself to become objective as long as you’re willing to accept whatever unpleasant evidence you uncover. If it’s a matter of a deluded brain, however, you can’t recover without relying on the kindness and common sense of family and strangers to deliver you from evil.
–Dr. Lastname
I believe what started out as typical empty nest syndrome has turned into complete paralysis. I’m literally stuck in my own nest! I know it’s strictly up to me to get myself launched, but I’ve lost all confidence in my ability to go/do/be well, anything. I think it’s more than simply “get a hobby.” I’ve come to the sad reality that my “friends” were really more like “bleacher/booster buddies” from all of my kid’s activities over the years, and now I find myself without any close friends, and no real interests. I was a stay at home mom (by choice) and had always planned to get back into the workforce once my kids got older, but MS sidelined those plans, and keeps me pretty challenged nowadays. I know I need to get myself back in the game, but my list of excuses as to why this is impossible only grows over time. I’m not always mobile, I’m not confident about how I look, and I just feel like I’m boring and have nothing to offer anyone. Since I’m already assuming nobody’s going to like me, maybe I should just go eat some worms…but of course that would require a trip out my nest, and…well, I guess you get the whole “woe is me” picture. I cannot figure out where to begin to ever break this cycle of negativity. Can you help me hatch a better plan than the useless one I’m currently sitting on?
Anyone can get into a rut, but multiple sclerosis makes it much, much harder to get yourself out. You might not realize this, but your empty nest is actually more of a sick bed.
MS not only makes you doubt your stamina and physical balance, it also frequently makes your emotions more intense, particularly the negative ones that tell you you’re useless and lacking in courage.
So, when your mind tells you that you have no friends and nothing to offer, that’s the MS and depression talking. Of course, it would be easier to tune it out if there were other voices to help you do so, but the negative thoughts keep you from seeking out new company, and so the rut deepens. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 20, 2012
When love hurts, everyone’s a psychologist looking for a fixable issue. Trouble is, most love problems have deep roots that can’t be fixed without a single (or couples) lobotomy. Whether the problem starts with your feelings or the other guy’s (and, often, it’s clearly one or the other, not both), the big question is whether whoever owns them can manage them, not whether you can make them go away. In either case, if you’re prepared to accept whatever you find, you can stop love from destroying you, even if you can’t stop it from hurting your heart and your head.
–Dr. Lastname
I love my boyfriend—we’ve been together for 2 years and I’d like us to be able to live together when our kids (from previous marriages) are grown—but every few months he gets a strange look in his eye, his body language changes, and he acts like he’d rather be somewhere else. When I confront him, he’s apologetic, but admits he’d rather be alone, and then he goes back to his place and doesn’t call. I feel devastated, but I give him space, and eventually he’s back to himself and we settle into our talk-every-day routine. After the first time or two, I thought we’d worked things out and it wouldn’t happen again, but now I’m losing faith. I want him to get help. I can’t see how our relationship can go forward if this keeps happening and that’s my goal.
It’s weird, but there are some people who would really like to have committed relationships who are also allergic to them. Sadly, there is no relationship version of the poodle.
While such people have shaky moods, their values are solid. The problem isn’t that they’re distracted by beautiful new people or romantic excitement; they simply can’t stand too much domesticity for too long without getting short of breath and dying to be alone. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 13, 2012
During a recession of any size, work places often turn mean; salaries fall, everyone is afraid of layoffs and unemployment, and fear, like shit, flows downhill. In times like these, unless you’re a lucky member of the one percent, stress is not a preventable condition. A large part of the stress, however, comes from the feelings that you have about work, rather than the work itself. After all, if you feel like your office is a family, then a tense office will affect you way too personally. If you remember why you’re there, and keep your standards, you can keep a level head in a shitty economy, no matter what percentage you’re in.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve put up with a lot at this job, but this really takes the cake, and I’m not sure if it’s worth putting up with my boss’s bullshit anymore. So, recently I asked for a raise, but then my boss cuts my hours, so that I am basically making the same amount of money that I made before and the raise doesn’t even count. Is that even legal? Probably, because he’s studying to be a lawyer to find more ways his employees can get screwed. I’ve been working my butt off, and I’m getting nowhere. My goal is to get what I deserve.
We always have lots of feelings about our bosses, usually negative, that make us forget what we’re there for; not getting treated well, just getting paid.
When it comes to the people who have power over our lives—bosses, parents, political leaders—we expect nothing less than appreciation, fairness, security, a good income, justice, etc. No wonder the feelings are negative. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 9, 2012
The only thing worse than having negative feelings about someone or something for no good reason is having those feelings with every justification in the world. Either way, it’s usually better to keep those feelings to yourself, because no matter where the feelings come from, unleashing them sends them to the same place; to confuse, upset, and frustrate everyone around you. The truth about bottled-up feelings is that, with time, they don’t explode, they dissipate. Eventually, negative feelings go away, even if they don’t go quietly.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m in a very loving and healthy relationship with a divorced father of a 5-year-old. I feel we are deeply in love and we plan to marry, however, when he has his son I feel like nothing more than an outsider. Although he is very fond of me, I can’t help but be overcome with jealousy at the attention my boyfriend gives him and I distance myself in order to hide my feelings. I end up feeling isolated and alone which ends with tears if he asks me what’s wrong. I’ve tried to separate my feelings from reality, because his son deserves his attention and time. I see him light up when his kid’s around, but it’s hard for me to understand their relationship since my own father is a deadbeat and I’ve been dealing with abandonment issues my entire life. I don’t want him to feel guilty because he’s such a great dad and misses his kid and I don’t want his son to feel that I’m indifferent to him and ignore him, but I can’t help but feel like the jealous older sister. My goal is to remove myself from these emotions and learn to appreciate our unique family blend.
Don’t feel guilty for your thoughts or feelings, particularly when your actions don’t reflect those feelings. You can feel wrong as long as you do right.
And you must be doing a good job with managing your bad feelings, because, regardless of how jealous or bummed you feel when you behold your fiancé’s warm father-son relationship, you’ve done a great job of keeping them to yourself. You’ve succeeded in protecting your most important relationships from the negativity.
One definition of professionalism is behaving in a benevolent, job-oriented way without letting negative feelings show or interfere. You’re obviously a pro, particularly since you’re doing it while managing a shitload of pain. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 30, 2012
If you life has been touched by an Asshole™, your ideas of right and wrong, as well as those of other people who know the two of you, have probably been distorted. It’s your job to set things right, but not by doubting yourself when you’re threatened with conflict, or by attacking those who treat you badly, because both make you look even crazier than the Asshole in question. Instead, re-establish your credibility with yourself and others by staying calm, being patient, and finding good (legal) support. Then everyone can see the Asshole’s true colors—brown—and your work is done for you.
–Dr. Lastname
I think my girlfriend is basically committed to me (after 4 years of our having a steady relationship, despite living in different cities). After much backing-and-filling and hemming-and-hawing, she introduced me to her 3 kids and her ex. The problem, I think, is that her ex-husband is an evil drama-monster who bludgeoned her with tantrums, legal threats, and ultimatums until she would do anything to appease him. It makes her a total wuss with the kids and interferes with her availability for our relationship. That makes me push her sometimes, which makes her jump like she’s been scalded and trapped between two powerful, demanding masters. I don’t think she’s into dominant men any more (at least, I don’t see myself as one), but my goal is to help her resist her evil ex without making her feel she’s doing it to appease me.
No matter how nice your girlfriend is, if she’s over-reactive to an evil ex, you can find yourself getting irritated, worried, and sometimes outraged. You’re sorry she has trouble setting limits with the guy, but you sure don’t want him to control your life.
If she doesn’t learn how to manage him and the feelings he stirs up in her, however, that’s what will happen, and your relationship will be riddled with the drama you’re both trying to avoid (and also become very crowded). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 23, 2012
For those of us in the helping professions who overestimate our ability to help, (off-hour phone) calls for help can become a big problem. Whether you’re soft and sympathetic or blunt and tough, there’s no problem you can’t make worse by taking too much responsibility for messes that are beyond your (or anyone’s) control. If, on the other hand, you know the limits of your powers, you can respond to calls pleasantly, do your job, and still help someone without hurting your own sanity.
–Dr. Lastname
While most mental health clinicians would feel guilty admitting this, I’ve been in the biz for long enough that I don’t give a shit and I need to vent. Most of the crisis calls I get from my psychotherapy practice are senseless and irritating; they’re from patients who feel bad because they forgot to take their medications, or drank too much or when they shouldn’t, or allowed their demons to wreak vengeance on their enemies, the nearer the better, self best of all. A few call me because they’re feeling suicidal (but won’t go to the hospital) and just want me to make them feel better, which is hard when it’s late and I’m tired, and often impossible just because I don’t have that kind of power. I try to be civil, but their calls leave me feeling helpless and wondering whether I’m doing any good. Discussing their responsibility for their behavior is useless, because it usually makes them mad or apologetic. My goal is to figure out what to do with crisis calls that are really a useless pain in the ass.
Many crisis calls you receive as a shrink do a good job of showing off a patient’s worst behavior. It’s like having partial custody of a colicky child.
It’s not that their distress isn’t real and severe—it is, almost always—it’s that it causes self-defeating behavior, like drinking or mouthing off or retreating from the world, which creates a jam that is extra hard to get out of.
Bad feelings cause bad behavior, bad listening skills and bad regrets about going into the therapy business instead of owning a Toyota dealership. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
