Posted by fxckfeelings on July 26, 2012
Before the manager of a baseball team (real or fantasy) signs a player, s/he pores over reams of statistics that analyze every aspect of that player’s performance, including their projected trajectory going forward. One should follow a similar procedure when looking to sign or dissolve a contract with a romantic partner, because examining their previous performance on the field of relationships is the best way to figure out whether they’re worth the commitment or a bad fit in your clubhouse. After all, if managers are willing to do all that work for a seven-year-deal, it makes sense to work just as hard for a contract that should last a lifetime.
–Dr. Lastname
My boyfriend seems to have a very unhealthy attachment to the past. He can’t let go of ex-girlfriends. He seems to need them to email or text every week or so (several, and he uses unhealthy attachment language to keep them hopeful about a potential future with him). His last note, left on the floor in the garage, said, “the future holds no possibilities. The past, Is infinite.” He swears to me that he is 100% committed to a lifetime with me, searching for rings (we are in our 40s). What makes people so aggressively attached to their past?
You may yearn for your boyfriend to tell you something, anything, about his behavior towards his exes that will actually ease your doubts about the depth of his commitment. Unfortunately, if you plead for reassurance, you’ll just be begging him to bullshit you.
Even if he does try to convince you, you’ll either be upset that he refused to try or tried but was unconvincing. Or, worse yet, you’ll be convinced he’s okay because he told you what you wanted to hear.
In any case, you’ll be asking him to give you a good feeling, instead of trusting yourself to figure out whether or not to trust him. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 23, 2012
There’s nothing better at inducing helplessness than being molested as a child, but it’s easy to forget that helplessness is a feeling, not a measure of strength and character. If you’ve been traumatized in the past, don’t let the helplessness of this or any other overwhelming experience make you feel like an ineffective victim. Instead, learn to respect your existing effectiveness, regardless of how helpless you felt then or still feel now. You may always feel helpless, but your very survival is proof that you’re stronger than your emotions.
–Dr. Lastname
My life is pretty stable now, but I’ve had a lot of major problems this last year and, in the middle of my troubles, I started to remember being molested by a family friend when I was 14, just after I hit puberty and got breasts overnight. I’ve been struggling to get my daughter help for a major health problem, and then I got fired and had to find a new job, and then my mother started to slip into dementia. Now, I’ve got a new job, my daughter is getting good help, and my father is taking good care of my mother, but I can’t get over a rising feeling of helplessness. If it’s because I was molested, my goal is to get over it.
Before you can even try to recover from the helplessness of current crises, you have to get around the sneaky way it has of making you feel personally ineffective, in part by playing on your memories of the helplessness of being molested. After a while, you can feel like you’re drowning, which is about as helpless as it gets.
In other words, you want to move forward, but helpless feelings cause helpless beliefs by awakening helpless memories. Your mind gets stuck in the notion that you couldn’t do anything in the past, you’re not able to do anything now, then things will probably get worse, and you’ll be powerless to prevent it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 16, 2012
While plenty of crazy people make their mental state known with a tell-tale twitch or tinfoil hat, a severely manic person can look relatively sane and still be completely bonkers when it comes to making decisions about life, love, and money. Our laws allow them to fly under the commitment radar until their behavior gets so erratic that they’re about to fly off a mental cliff, whereupon the police (with your help) can take them off to treatment. So if you wish to help someone who is mildly manic, don’t hesitate to offer good advice. If someone is very manic, however, your helpful words may cause nothing but fear, aggravation, and mental jet fuel, so you will need to be quiet, patient, and knowledgeable about commitment law to be helpful when things get out of hand and the tinfoil hats come on.
–Dr. Lastname
I was diagnosed bipolar as an adult and usually take some lithium to deal with it, but, for a few weeks last month, I started to get manic. I rode it out by spending all my time in church and buying a lot of philosophy books. It wasn’t too bad—I just wasted a little money and a lot of time, but otherwise, I felt kinda great, and I haven’t felt depressed, at least not yet. Now I’m back to my old self, but I’m not sure where the mania came from, or when/if it’s going to come back. My goal is to figure out what it happened.
What happened when you got manic is that you got manic, forgetting who you are and what you wanted to do with your mania. That’s what mania tends to do.
It gives you strong feelings that need immediate expression because you feel more real and “in the moment.” It tells you what to do, whether it’s cleaning the house all night, sleeping with as many strangers as possible, or spending your bankroll on religious literature.
What you want—you, as a person and manager of your own interests, rather than a manic diagnosis—is to figure out, during a sane moment, how much manic behavior is safe, where to draw the line, and what you want done about it by you, and if you’re out of commission, what you want done by others. You say nothing about that in your letter; unfortunately, you don’t seem to be present other than as a passive eyewitness to your symptomatic self. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 12, 2012
When a bad habit gets between you and something you really want, it’s hard not to expect that good motivation, loads of therapy and deep insight into why you’re fucking up will give you the control you need. Unfortunately, bad habits don’t have easy solutions; they often have a life of their own and, short of administering a good ol’ lobotomy, the power of therapists often falls short. That’s when you need to accept that, for many of us, the best solution for bad habits isn’t a great therapist, but good management.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know why I’m always getting in my own way, but I’ve been a fuck-up since I was a kid in foster care (my parents were drug addicts who couldn’t take care of me). I’ve managed to hold the job that I really love, but I almost lost it after 5 happy, productive years because, for a 6 month period, I couldn’t get myself to show up on time. I’d get up on time, but then find some reason to arrive late, and I couldn’t stop myself until I was within an inch of being fired. I got it together to find a therapist, but I can’t get myself to take medication he prescribes, even though I think it could really help me. I also can’t get rid of my drug-addict girlfriend though I and all my friends think she’s a deadbeat user who does nothing for me. My therapist says I have a problem with self-esteem. My goal is to get control of my life.
It would be nice if the only thing standing between you and keeping your job safe, your home ex-girlfriend-free, and your sanity was depression, fatigue, or low self-esteem, but your problem is probably worse than that. It’s not a matter of what you have; it’s more who you are.
So if you think that a supportive therapist or a pick-me-up drug will do the job, you’re wasting your time and heading for more self-disappointment. You did a great job of diagnosing yourself from the get-go—you’re a fuck-up—and, while you’re not hopeless, you’re not going to get the help you need that easily. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 9, 2012
Depression and life’s miseries have an amazing way of working together to make you feel like a loser who doesn’t belong, has nothing to contribute, and should not get out of bed. That other people are happy just makes you wonder what you did wrong, when it’s just misfortune and depression doing their job really well. The fact is, however, that we create value in life by pursuing what we believe is most important, regardless of whether we get lucky along the way. That’s why you need to assess whether you’ve done your best to live up to your values, disregarding negative thoughts and the failures over which you had no control. Then pain and negative thinking can’t succeed in damaging you, which means you won’t damage yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m not even sure where to begin so I’ll try and keep this as short and concise as possible. I come from a broken family– my mother was abusive and distant, and I became that way to the point where it was hard for me to feel genuine love for anyone because I never learned what love is. I got away from my family and had a string of bad relationships (where if I think about it, I am to blame really). I then met and almost immediately married my husband. He went along with it because he loved me, I pushed for it because I was insecure. I didn’t “feel” any real love for him but wanted him to validate my feelings because I believed then that that’s how love grows. For me back then, love = infatuation. I admit I’ve been messed up. I’ve beaten myself up enough. Anyway, our marriage has been rocky with a major indiscretion on my part and several minor ones (chatting/talking on the phone with strangers) on his part. He forgave me for my error and begged me to stay (this was 3 years ago). Only just a few months ago have I realized how fucked up I am and how I’ve let my “feelings” guide me to hell. I’m still trying to rewire myself and it’s hard work. Unfortunately I recently found out that my husband was still talking to random women for hours because “he’s lonely.” What scares me is that even though I am working on my issues, he still feels lonely and it’s likely he will hurt me again. I realize now that I do love him but I can’t always project it the right way or appear to be happy when really I’m feeling like shit. I keep thinking it’s all my fault that he feels lonely and that nothing I will ever do will help this. I’m really tired of dealing with my own crap and now realizing that he has his own set of issues that may or may not be related to me. I’m very confused. How do I stop obsessing over our faults and focus on the good? I don’t want to throw away everything I’ve accomplished because of my ‘moods’. Please help. How can I trust him again and more importantly, trust myself?
There are a lot of smart people out there with high standards, like yourself, who have brains that naturally favor negative thinking and family backgrounds that are full of sad events and broken relationships.
As such, it’s not your fault that your mind tends to put fault on you and call you broken. What’s worse, if you try to be more positive, your brain pushes back by calling your efforts to think happy thoughts a dismal failure (which, of course, they’re not). Brain 1, You 0.
So, instead of trying to focus less on your faults, aim higher by taking pride in your many remarkable accomplishments. After all, if you can’t think differently, you can nevertheless force yourself to think about different things. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 5, 2012
In the aftermath of being dumped, you have two possible courses of action (and vegetating in front of Netflix with Ben & Jerry’s is not active); you can either blindly pursue your hope for reconciliation, or figure out what went wrong and decide whether reconciliation is possible and a good idea. If you follow the second course, you may sometimes work it out, but you must also be willing to work out that you can’t work it out. Otherwise, you’re unlikely to avoid more heartbreak in the future (and gaining 10 pounds in the present)
–Dr. Lastname
I have recently fallen in love just to be broken up with. He said as he was dumping me, “I love you, I want to marry you, you’re my dream girl…but it’s not working out.” It doesn’t make any sense. I’m hurt, shocked, anxious and scared. He represented security to me and now I’m worried I won’t find it again, by myself or with anyone else. I need help working out how to create security and self-esteem without a man.
I assume, when you say this guy who dumped you “represented security to me,” that means emotionally, not financially. After all, you’re worried about pain, not poverty; you felt emotionally secure in being able to trust both your instincts and him. Now you feel something akin to free-fall.
While it’s a horrible shock to be blind-sided by someone you trust (as opposed to being hurt by something you saw coming all along), the good news is that you weren’t making a mistake against your better judgment. Unfortunately, that means you’ll be left with an extra-bad case of ambushed-heart PTSD. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 25, 2012
When you can’t get through to someone, it’s easier to feel like a war party than a concerned party, driven to conquer that someone’s mind by any means necessary. Sometimes the only mind you need to conquer is your own, because you can accomplish most of what you want without needing the agreement of others. Other times you have to endure the helplessness of watching someone self-destruct, knowing an attack from you will only make it worse. Your job isn’t to communicate when communication is impossible; it’s to make the best of the fact you can’t and take your forces elsewhere.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know why I can’t get my husband to stand up to his mother when she tries to take over our baby. Everyone in his family agrees that she’s very difficult. She drops by whenever she wants, has me wake our baby if she’s sleeping, and stays after we’ve told her that we’ve got to be going. After she leaves, I tell him she’s awful, and he tells me I’m mean to deprive her of the happiness that she gets from her granddaughter. I feel she’s taken over our lives and I’m ready to leave my husband, which is what I know my mother-in-law wants, because she’s said she doesn’t think our marriage will last. Help me get through to my husband.
If you’ve read this site before, then my simple answer should be familiar; the bad news is, you probably can’t get through to your husband, but the good news is, there’s no reason to get through to him in the first place.
As the mother of a baby, you probably have lots of reasons to create rules without having to first persuade your husband to agree or prove that his mother is a jerk. That’s fine, because, though your husband probably knows she’s a pain, you’re expressing feelings he feels guilty about having, so he gets to take that guilt out on you.
So, while it would certainly be nice for the two of you to be on the same page, you have enough confirmation that his mother is impossible to entitle you to come up with your own plan for dealing with her. Coming up with good rules for protecting your peace and privacy is a lot easier than asking your husband to turn on his own mama. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 21, 2012
Bad luck is like a bad smell; sometimes, it just surrounds you, meaning that you’re doing everything right but, due to an uncontrollable curse, everything’s going wrong. Then there are the special few for whom bad luck is generated internally, meaning that your brain is permanently decision-intolerant, and trying to do the right thing usually goes wrong. Either way, you’re stuck with your stink, and you’re going to get blamed unless you and others are brave enough, and realistic enough, to accept the hard-to-tolerate helplessness of having no control. If you can do that, however, you’re ready to appreciate the beautiful things you’re doing with an ugly aroma, whatever dealt it.
–Dr. Lastname
Turning 50 next year, my beard is turning gray, still alone and most importantly, no fuck-buddy! I’m saying I’m on a self imposed ‘sabbatical,’ upgrading and learning new skills, but in reality, well – this economy! But seriously, no work AND anxiety (a left over from when I was assaulted), all-new discovery of depression (as a result of recent diagnosis of Hypothyroidism or a direct result of job loss, who knows?), loss of retaining and maintaining friendships/relationships led to well, being in the space of loneliness – a lonely extrovert is so oxymoronic, I can’t stand it! Currently trying to financially survive on a sure-footed, tight-roped budget thanks to one of the four insurances that did pan out…still, sore about playing by the rules and getting shafted big time anyways and yet, retaining focus on how to get up from the shutdowns and the rapid changes that occurred in a shorter-than-2-year period. My goal is to capture original harmony and yet live in the now, which includes living an even more healthy and play-safe lifestyle along with meaningful work, having an intimate inner circle of friends and have a honeybun(s) in my life. That’s the life I am cultivating – the only thing is how the fuck do I kick-start the process to get there? Can you help me?
Sadly, Dr. Lastname has never figured out the secret to happiness (or put too much value on it), and besides, the real secret of those secrets is mostly that the short-term happiness they bring will be followed by a long period of not-happiness, much like the one you’re struggling to get out of.
On the other hand, we have figured out the secret to pride, which is really what this is about; women may make you happy, but confidence and pride will get you women. So, in order to get laid, you have to think about why your misfortune has laid you so low. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 18, 2012
Macho sports-types like to say that failure is not an option, and in a totally not-macho way, they’re absolutely right. After all, we all have different definitions of success, and while individual skill is a factor, so are luck, fate, and a mess of other circumstances that we can’t control and/or overcome completely. So if you can’t meet certain expectations or fix pressing problems, the good news is, failure is not an option; if you do your best with whatever it is you actually control, judging for yourself what that is, you can never lose.
–Dr. Lastname
At this point in my life I’m not sure in which direction to turn. I am a 37-year-old female going through a divorce, had to move back home and just failed nursing school by just a few points in my final semester. I was so devastated about failing nursing school that I basically fell off the grid for a while. Many of my peers feel as though the school was unfair and are encouraging me to fight this, and I have hired attorneys who have sent letters to the school and are now talking about litigation. All of this is starting to become so overwhelming that I feel like I am starting to spin into a deep depression again. It is so hard to watch everyone around me succeed and pass me by in life. My question is this, should I go on with fighting the school and sink more time and energy into something I’m uncertain of? Or should I just throw in the towel and try something else. I am so conflicted and would love just a no nonsense straight answer without all the fluff. Any insight would be so appreciated.
People feel like failures when they fall behind the achievements of their over-achieving peers, but, by the age of 37, you’ve earned the right to define your progress, or lack of it, in your own terms, regardless of what your school thinks.
Of course you hate to watch your friends pass you by, but don’t ask yourself why you’re not keeping up with them. Instead, ask why you’re wasting time comparing yourself to them instead of asking yourself where you stand according to your own standards, and what you want to do next. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 14, 2012
Fear is truly frightening when it becomes contagious, usually in panic form. After all, getting scared is a manageable and sometimes life-saving experience, but getting panicked means spreading that fear to ill effect among your friends or even among your enemies. Your job then isn’t to express fearful feelings, hoping for relief but instead creating chaos; it’s to cope with the cause of your fear as constructively as possible and then draw courage from knowing you’ve done your best in a fearful world. That way you will inspire confidence in your supporters, which will hopefully be contagious, as well.
–Dr. Lastname
I got married recently, but the honeymoon period came to an abrupt end when my wife and I started fantasizing what our kids would be like and I realized that several of my wife’s relatives are mentally retarded. She has a wonderful family, but still, I don’t know how I’d deal with having an impaired child, and I can’t stop worrying. Naturally, I told her what I was feeling, hoping she could give me some reassurance, but all she said was, “well, do you want to divorce me and marry someone with healthier relatives?” I love her but I don’t know what to do with my worries. My goal is to calm down and have a healthy family.
No one knows better than a pregnant couple how truly scary life can be. The real story of the birds and the bees also involves the bear of unavoidable risk of mutation. The question then isn’t whether you should be afraid, it’s what you do with that fear.
Asking for re-assurance turns you into a kid asking grown-ups for soothing words you should never really believe. True, if they’re dumb enough to reassure you, they deserve the lawsuit you’re entitled to slap on them if things go wrong. In every other way, however, you’ve weakened yourself and spread fear to those who are relying on you for leadership.
You’re the Daddy, so act like one. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
