Posted by fxckfeelings on February 27, 2014
Dating is one of those painful, hard-to-control activities, like losing weight and fighting cancer, where the only way not to feel like a total failure is not to have to do it at all. For daters, success means landing a good partner, but, until that happens, you will probably find yourself being too passive about letting go of a bad partner and/or feeling rejected when it doesn’t work out, or being too sensitive to hurting bad candidates, even with good reason. Instead of letting the dating process get you down, review your standards for dating honestly and safely. Then, when things don’t work out, you’ll do what’s best for you and your non-partner, and achieve a little success, even if the struggle continues.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m almost 40 and I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve been in love three times, but none of these relationships were ‘real’ relationships. Love number 1 was when I was in my 20’s I was seeing a guy for 10 years, on and off, but our relationship never got off the ground (no real dates or romance, just drunken hook ups every weekend). He turned out to be gay, so no major surprise there I suppose. Number 2 was a close friend who asked me to wait for him while he got through the pressures of work and nursing a parent through a fatal illness. After waiting two years, and still hopelessly in love with him, he told me he changed his mind and didn’t want to get together with me. Finally, love number 3 is a childhood friend of mine who I reconnected with a few years ago and who has liked me for years. He wanted a relationship with me but I wanted to wait because I was still a bit burned from number 2. We remained friends however and over time our friendship deepened and grew and I started to see him as more than a good friend, but when I told him I was interested in more than just a casual hook up, he disappeared! I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t seem to move past the casual into a real relationship with someone. I was sexually abused as a child and I’ve had psychotherapy to address that, then again after the gay ex-“boyfriend.” Basically I’ve been in therapy for about 12 years. I’m really at the end of my tether now because something must be causing me to choose men that cannot commit and I really want to be in love, married and with children and time is running away from me now. I don’t date lots of men and I’ve never been one for one night stands. The one thing all three “boyfriends” had in common was I was friends with them first and my feelings developed into a deeper love from there so I know it could be years before I meet someone and fall in love again seeing as I’m the type of girl that needs this basis of friendship to build on. I’ve tried dating agencies for the past year and I haven’t had any luck, plus I socialize every weekend and I have no problem meeting and chatting to guys, it’s just none of them interest me too much. My goal is to change this pattern.
Being unlucky, be it in love or business or the lottery, always feels personal, but never really is. Bad luck can happen to anyone, no matter how old you are, what you deserve, and how gay your ex might be.
You have lots to offer and, from what you’ve said, weren’t too far off the mark in the people you chose for love or how you behaved with them. Unfortunately, dating guys is always like playing musical chairs with a substantial chairs shortage. The sad news about the birds and bees is that human females often have to deal with the inverse suitable male-to-female ratio that bees have. Even then, it’s lonely being queen. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 20, 2014
Some parents are gluttons for responsibility and guilt, while others are just regular gluttons for video games and donuts, but neither instinct necessarily leads to good home management. To raise a child while both honoring other responsibilities and occasionally indulging some pleasures requires you to create priorities and stick with them, whether they feel good or not. You may sometimes need to frustrate those who depend on you, and sometimes yourself, but your goal—as with any diet, nutritional or behavioral—is to figure out a balance that will work and just stick with it.
–Dr. Lastname
About a year ago, I found a rental for my parents, sister, spouse, and my baby to live in. My parents and sister were living with my aunt prior to the move, but things were not going so well there and I was a new, panicked mother seeking support, so I thought all of us living together would be the perfect solution. Before getting into it, I was fully aware that my mother had a gambling addiction and my stepfather was in and out of a job. They have always been financially irresponsible and neglectful in general when it came to other responsibilities. Well, I feel miserable here and I want to leave, but there is this overwhelming amount of guilt I feel. I know I shouldn’t feel responsible in any way, but I am the only person here who wants to build a better future, and I feel like they cannot have one without me. My mom works 40 hours a week with terrible health issues and has lost some of her teeth, so she feels sick all the time and has very low self-esteem. Because I love her so much, I can’t help but feel an overwhelming amount of sympathy. She hasn’t gambled as much as she use to. Probably because I started to when we moved in together, had a small gambling addiction myself, then I banned myself from the casino. It may have woken her up a bit, but we are still broke. My spouse and I have to constantly pay for what they can’t with the bills and do all the grocery shopping. Everyone here but my spouse is passive aggressive, and when I get the courage to speak up, my family gets very emotionally wounded. I’m fed up with myself because I can’t find the strength to leave, and I am confused because there are times when I want to stay, but that is only when things are going well, which is rare. I need advice on how to handle my over excessive guilt and how to speak up when it’s needed.
At a certain point, all parents are confronted with their own, special chicken/egg dilemma; they don’t have to figure out which came first, but who comes first, given the conflicting needs of their parents versus their kids, and their duties to both. It’s painful enough to make you wish you were poultry.
After all, there’s nothing wrong with helping your mother or seeking her help with childcare. As a married mother who runs her own household, has a child to support, and is obliged to share decisions with a spouse, however, it’s your job to ask yourself if you can withstand the harm it might do to your new family if you live with your mother and her entire damaged entourage. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 17, 2014
Marriage requires a lot of sacrifice, and while surrendering some independence and half your Netflix subscription fees are worth it, the ability to keep strong emotional reactions from screwing up rational judgment is not. Sometimes, marital conflict will cause you to blame yourself unfairly, just to restore peace, and other times, you’ll blame your partner unfairly, to head off a situation that scares you. In any case, don’t forget that you can make an independent judgment without blaming or demeaning your spouse. Give yourself time, use normal business practices, and you’ll always find a positive way to discuss your differences and stand by both your vows and your own vision of what’s right and wrong.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband stormed out of our house last night because I just can’t seem to meet his needs or understand where he’s coming from. He’s needed more help lately because he hurt himself falling on the ice, and it’s hard for him to do the chores. I could make excuses for myself and tell you I have a full-time job and I try to be sympathetic, but obviously I’m not succeeding. My goal, if I could only achieve it, is to be better at understanding my husband and making him feel valued so he comes home.
Certain marital complaints are impossible to judge, the most common being that you sounded nasty or uncaring. Until a smartphone app is invented that will scientifically judge the negativity and/or offensiveness of a spouse’s tone of voice, this is a complaint about which no one can be objective.
Then again, in the absence of smartphones, there are always plain old smarts, which means creating standards of your own to compare his complaints with. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 13, 2014
If you could ask Mary Cheney or A.J. Soprano, they’d tell you that inheritance, be it material or psychological, is always tricky. That’s because it’s easy to hate yourself when you can’t get rid of an inherited personality trait, like constant anger or depression, which makes it hard to ever feel happy or express love and affection. What life teaches you, however, is that many people find ways to take care of one another and contribute to the world, even when they’re not fully functional or in full control of their dark thoughts and sharp tongues. They deserve respect for whatever good they do when their feelings give them no relief or reward, and their genes don’t give them much of a choice.
–Dr. Lastname
I grew up in a horrid family. My father worked long hours at a couple of jobs leaving my (very young) mother alone with my brother and me. My mother had no clue about parenting and raising children. My home was a miserable cesspool of put-downs, depression, negativity, and yelling. I get that my mother probably grew up herself with a “Mommy Dearest”/”Carrie” mother, but as we all do, I vowed to myself never to torture my children as my mother had done to me. But guess what, I now find myself yelling and haranguing my daughter (but not my son…hmmm?). I think the yelling and disrespectful attitude toward my daughter has been programmed into my DNA. It is my default reaction when I get angry (or when my daughter does anything–wrong– pretty much). I’ve done the anger management, self-help books, etc. I can’t stop. Please give me some advice on how I can stop the “bad psycho mother” cycle. I already see the signs of damage in my daughter.
It’s painful to grow up with an angry, critical parent, but it’s even worse to grow up with a parent who can’t provide for his/her family or care enough to try. Despite the pressures on your immigrant parents, they were able to survive and provide you with a home. Even if it was horrid, it beat the alternative.
So, even if you see yourself as a bad psycho mother, you’re also a caring, providing mother, and you need to remember that. That’s why you need to respect what you do right before picking at what you do wrong, because if you can’t see the big picture, you can’t get at the big issues with your parenting. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 10, 2014
As the main motive for most of life’s poor decisions—shotgun weddings, gift cards as birthday presents, matching tattoos—guilt can cause us to avoid responsibility that is ours and impose responsibility that’s undeserved. So don’t let your conscience be your guide until you’ve carefully considered what you actually control, rather than feeling bad because there’s pain and you’re involved. Then, if your conscience won’t listen to reasonable judgment, learn to ignore it and pay more attention to what you believe is right instead of what makes you feel wrong.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know how to help my son deal with a crazy high school relationship. He’s been dating a very troubled but pretty girl who now says she’ll kill herself if he ever breaks up with her. He’s a sweet kid and always likes to help people, but he also feels drained by all the attention she requires and he tells me he really would like to break up with her. I think it’s an unhealthy relationship and I’m delighted he’s ready to move on, but, like my son, I’m worried about what will happen if she tries to kill herself. I can’t speak with her parents because my son won’t let me—he says that would break his promise to her and make it even more likely she would hurt herself. My goal is to figure out a way to protect my son and this girl.
Unfortunately, whenever a soon-to-be rejected, needy lover threatens suicide, there’s no way you can protect anyone from pain and potential guilt. It’s effectively a hostage situation, which means, by design, it can’t end well for everyone, will always end badly for someone, and may well end with irreversible disaster.
No matter what happens, your son’s girlfriend is going to get hurt and maybe hurt herself, whereupon your son is going to feel guilty, and so will you, if your son accuses you of violating his confidence. So forget about who’s going to suffer for what and just focus on doing the right thing and getting everyone out as safely as possible.
Your first priority, of course, is doing what you can to reduce his girlfriend’s risk of self-harm. If her parents, shrink, and/or school officials know she’s at risk and are monitoring her closely, then there’s nothing you can add and nothing further to do, but the only way to find out is to tell them. It’s true, your son might not approve, but you have a duty to make sure those who care for her know what they need to.
Don’t expect to stop feelings of guilt simply by doing the right thing. All it takes to feel guilty is to be the type of person who feels responsible for the feelings of others—a description that fits most of us shrinks—or to be told by someone you care about that you’ve made them suffer, disappointed them, or let them down. For most of us, guilt isn’t rational and there’s no escaping it. We may try to feel better by bending over backwards, but this usually just causes a sore back, a bigger sense of responsibility, and even more guilt.
What you can do, however, for your son and yourself, is not accept that this guilt is deserved. Begin by asking yourself, and your son, how much responsibility a loving person should take for the feelings of someone who is needy and sensitive to rejection. You’d like to think that your love can protect them, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. The more you nurture them, and the closer you get, the greater the chance you’ll trigger their sensitivity, and then it’s all down hill. It’s no one’s fault, so it’s best you keep your distance until they develop tools for managing their sensitivity, if that’s what they’re able to do.
Do what’s necessary to protect his girlfriend’s life, and give your son the tools to judge his responsibilities apart from guilty feelings. Initially, of course, they will control how he judges his actions and yours. You can then show him, however, that, regardless of guilty feelings, you have better methods for making decisions that make the best of situations that can’t be good for anyone, and that he can learn your methods when he’s ready.
Learn to negotiate, not just with his emotional captor, but with your own emotions, and with luck you can help everyone emerge safely.
STATEMENT:
“I hate to think how my son is likely to blame himself, and possibly me, when his girlfriend blames her breakdown on his dumping her, but this is a life dilemma he needs to learn how to deal with. I will show him how to use ethical reasoning to define his actual responsibility, apart from guilty feelings, and do the right thing.”
I’m having trouble getting over my mother’s death in a car accident because it was so sudden and we never had a chance to make up after a nasty argument the night before. She had a fiery temper, and we had a stupid argument that really meant nothing, but I hung up on her while she was yelling at me and I can’t stand the idea that that was our last interaction and that the stress of our fight may have caused her to drive mad and get into the accident that ended her life. My goal is to find a way to live with my guilt.
As noted above, guilt seldom has anything to do with actually doing wrong; if you feel guilty about your mother’s death, it’s because people usually feel responsible for protecting those they love, whether or not they actually have the power to do so. It’s an instinct that probably helps us look out for one another and is thus mostly helpful, except in situations like yours, when it can tear you apart.
Instead of trying to ease your guilt by kicking yourself, ask yourself how you would weigh a friend’s responsibility under similar circumstances. Give your friend a small share of blame if he was particularly cruel to his mother before her death, but give his mother responsibility for managing her own sensitivity, protecting herself from hurt, and controlling her anger.
Then think of how you would like to be remembered after your death; not by the circumstances of your last few years, days, or minutes, but by the sum total of what you built, who you were, and the good things you left behind. So spend some time assessing the value of what your mother did for you, and you for her, during those times when you weren’t having screaming fights.
Write out a statement that does justice to your whole relationship. Don’t try to diminish guilt through apology or confession, just ignore it by honoring values that are more important and using them to build a view of your relationship that is truer to what matters. The unexpectedness of her death shouldn’t teach you to avoid ever being mean, but to remember that life is short and most aggravations don’t really matter.
Honor your temper and where it came from. Remember that arguments never really drove you and your mother apart, as painful or stupid as they were, and they never really interfered with your relationship, which could only be cut short by accident and death. Now, your job is to prevent guilt from interfering with the relationship that you will continue to have with her for the rest of your life, and to protect yourself, and that bond, from being devalued.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t help feeling guilty over not having made up with my mother before her death, but that’s not how I really value our relationship. I will cherish her memory for the things that mattered, and carry on what was best about her values, while ignoring guilty feelings that I can’t stop having, but that are unimportant.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 30, 2014
Many of us suffer stress and torment by accepting nutty ideas, either because we’re literally hearing voices, or just because we’re reading women’s magazines or buying into our own baseless guilt. It’s easy to feel you’re doing what you have to do when you’re really just holding yourself responsible for problems you don’t control and making efforts that can do no good. Unless mental illness makes it impossible, most of us should examine our beliefs before accepting them. Then we’re better able to stand up to critical thoughts, undeserved self-punishment, and airbrushed models in the name of deeper values.
–Dr. Lastname
My sister started hearing voices when she was about 20 and then got diagnosed with schizophrenia, but she controls it well with medication and is able to hold a challenging secretarial job, so I know she’s relatively lucky. Sure, she had a brief hospital stay a couple years ago when her paranoia got out of hand, but since then she’s been fine. The other day, however, when we had dinner together, she was more outgoing about her fears of my being able to read her mind or put thoughts in her head. I was glad she could confide in me and I wondered if that was a sign she was getting better, but then I had second-thoughts about whether, if she was talking about it more, that it was maybe getting worse, and she was going to share her fears inappropriately with people at work. I’d like to know whether her talking about her symptoms is a good sign or bad sign and what I should advise her to do.
Back in the day, shrinks always thought sharing was a good thing, even if patients shared how much they hated us, thought we were aliens from Jupiter, and/or wanted to kill us. Thanks for sharing, even more thanks for not murdering.
In the long run, we thought sharing was always a good step towards recovery. Actual experience, however, has taught us otherwise, so your question is sensible, and you should, indeed, be prepared to discourage sharing when you think it’s a bad idea.
The key question you should ask your sister, and encourage her to ask herself, is whether she’s as sure as she usually is that the things she fears aren’t really happening. You’re less worried about her losing her job and more worried about her losing her mind. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 27, 2014
Sometime or other, for any number of stupid reasons, most of us have found ourselves hanging onto or hanging back from a relationship that was never going to satisfy our needs. What you need to do, of course, is to let go of what you had in order to find what you actually want—a good relationship—instead of avoiding immediate loneliness by clinging to the unsatisfactory-but-familiar. It takes courage to cut your losses and open yourself to the unknown, but that’s the only way to make sure you’re ready when the right relationship finally comes along. Ultimately, you’ll end up hanging on to your standards, which are more important than anything (and anyone) else.
–Dr. Lastname
After a long separation I now have my decree nisi and can make my divorce final as soon as we sort out our finances. It’s been a long marriage and the bitterness has settled and we both agree that there is no going back. My problem is that I can’t seem to break out of the inertia/fear and do what needs to be done to set us both free. My ex is adopting the same sluggish approach despite putting pressure on me a few months back to file for divorce. We are both in other relationships and remain on good terms. My goal is to identify what the block is and find the courage and motivation to get on with what needs to be done.
Whether it’s mixed feelings, fatigue, or just a distaste for paperwork and/or lawyers, searching for the reason you’re avoiding the final steps of divorce may do the opposite of setting you free.
I assume you’d recognize and deal with depression, if that’s your problem, and that you’ve already done much of the work of breaking up and moving on. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t be with someone new and on good terms with the someone that’s old.
The risk of searching for meaning in avoidant behavior is that it often doesn’t give you a tool for breaking log-jams, and dwelling on helplessness and negative feelings is a good way to lose energy and get more stuck. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 23, 2014
Sadly, there’s a simple equation when it comes to confronting someone about drug use; the more you panic during the confrontation, the more they panic and then seek chemical relief by using more drugs. So, whether you’re trying to get through to others, or taking up the topic with yourself, it’s best not to focus on negative emotions. Instead, ask yourself to create your own definition of drug abuse, based on what you think would compromise your safety or ability to keep your promises and be who you want to be. Then compare your behavior with your standards and, if it doesn’t measure up, consider a positive way forward. Your confrontations will be less dramatic, but your conclusions and efforts will have stronger roots, more staying power, and the relief won’t be so chemical.
–Dr. Lastname
My twenty-year-old son did well for a couple months after his last detox, but then I got a call from his girlfriend that he’s taking the same tranquilizers again that he was addicted to before. I asked him about it and he denied it, but I believe his girlfriend and now I don’t know what to do…tell him to get help, take him to the emergency room, have an intervention, or what? If he admits it at all, I know he’ll say that his anxiety is unbearable and he just can’t stand it without medicating himself. My goal is to get him real help.
Most people know that the first of the Twelve Steps is to admit your lack of power over addiction, but few realize that this applies as much to the loved ones of addicts as to addicts themselves.
As the parent of a young son, you may feel you have additional power and responsibility, but you also have additional handicaps, such as the huge cost of treatment, its notorious ineffectiveness, and the difficulty of winning cooperation from a defiant child. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 20, 2014
We often warn readers about the dangers of being too helpful, but for every person who gives without thinking, there are plenty of others who want to help someone they love but are too paralyzed to act. Whether someone you love rejects your help or asks for it, your ability to be helpful doesn’t depend entirely on their motivation or yours, but also on the nature of their problem and what kind of help, if any, is likely to be effective. So don’t make it your business to push or provide help until you know more about their problem. Then you’ll have a better idea of how to focus your efforts and limit your responsibility to providing what will actually work. That way you can find the right balance of helping, which involves doing the most good with the least harm to everyone involved.
–Dr. Lastname
My sister got arrested last weekend for dealing drugs, and even though I wasn’t surprised, it brought back all my angry, helpless memories of the many times when we were growing up that she would get into trouble and then get into treatment, tell everybody she was feeling better and going straight, and then fuck up again. This time she’ll probably go away for 10 years and the state will take custody of her kids. My parents are devastated and wonder where they went wrong, and I’m also thinking hard about whether I was a good brother. A few months ago, after she stole from our parents, I told her I’d never trust her again and I wonder whether that caused her to give up hope. I can’t stop thinking about her and I can’t sleep or focus. My goal is to figure out how to get over these feelings so I don’t ruin my life as well.
When people we love do bad things, we usually give them two options: punishment or help, with help sometimes coming in the form of punishment, and vice versa. Even when intentions are good, good is not what necessarily results.
Unfortunately, some lack the ability to respond to either; neither additional help nor punishment will give them the self-control, moral compass, or whatever it takes to stop themselves from doing bad things. What they do deserve, and won’t get, is better genetic luck, and what their families deserve is protection from their bad behavior. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 13, 2014
Ironically, the two simplest ways to make a problem worse are also entirely contradictory; you can give the problem too much attention, or pretend it doesn’t exist. That means the ideal, middle ground is finding the courage to admit you have a problem, particularly if it’s stigmatized, then summoning the additional courage to put it out of your mind after doing your best to manage it. It’s not a simple process, but it is the best way to ensure that you both face your problem and not let it take over your life.
–Dr. Lastname
I was just told recently that I have ADD. Lately, I’ve been wondering if my brain has other irregularities (I’m pretty sure it does, I can barely do basic f*cking math). I try to bring it up to my relatives, if I maybe have other learning disabilities, but they say it’s genes or it’s just my ADD. I end up feeling like a hypochondriac or just plain crazy. I guess my point is, how do I go about trying to convince my relatives that maybe there is more to know and get their support? Although even asking that is making me feel like a hypochondriacal nut-job.
Contemplating your brain can be just as useless as contemplating your navel; although the latter is usually a euphemism for useless, time-wasting self-involvement, aimlessly exploring any body part is a huge waste of time.
Obsessing over a disability can make you feel helpless and inadequate, so before trying to learn more about your brain, ask yourself why you want to know. If you need to know more about your brain problems in order to manage them better, more power to you. Otherwise, accept the ways your brain is broken and find a work-around. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
