Posted by fxckfeelings on October 6, 2014
Much is made of the inextricable link between trust and love, but the assumption seems to be that you can’t love someone else unless you can trust them (to listen, keep it in their pants, rescue you from a sinking ship, etc.). Just as important, however, is the ability to trust yourself and your own judgment when entering into a relationship; if you have too little confidence, you can sabotage your relationships, and if you have too much, you’ll make commitments that won’t last and will hurt like hell when they break down. Learn to trust yourself by gathering facts, observing carefully, and using common sense to judge your friendships and make smart decisions. Then, regardless of over or under-confidence, you’ll be able to love someone you trust and have trust in whom you love.
–Dr. Lastname
I am in a good relationship and have been now for a while (around 9 months). But none of my relationships seem to last more than a couple of years (I’m now in my 40s), and I worry that some of them I have sabotaged myself. I am at a point in this relationship where we have acknowledged that we love each other and have started making plans months into the future (nothing like moving in together, but definitely trips and such), and suddenly, I have this fear I’m going to lose him. But not just lose him—lose him to someone, and that someone is my friend. I had a friend when I was younger that flirted with my boyfriends, and even though nothing ever happened, it bothered me that she never understood these boundaries, didn’t have a sense of loyalty towards me, and used her looks and sexuality to get attention from those that should be considered off limits. Now I have a newer friend who is younger than me—she’s very pretty, smart, and single, and she has a tendency to try to connect with my boyfriend in ways that I am unable to by finding the gaps and honing in and I don’t like it. I am acting as though they have already run away together, or have a secret relationship. Is my own insecurity causing me to worry about this? My goal is to alleviate these fears of betrayal.
Having fun friends with fickle boundaries may damage your calm, but you do yourself more damage by letting them distract you from the real issues surrounding your boyfriend and your future together. Instead of worrying about whether your gal pals have good intentions, focus on doing the necessary homework to find out whether your boyfriend is a good match.
Assuming you’re not able to stop yourself from being insecure about your friends and boyfriends, use your insecurity to assess your boyfriend’s trustworthiness. Maybe you can also use it to get better at screening friends in the future, but for now, believe it or not, your best weapon against your paranoia is paranoia itself.
Instead of trying to feel better by talking about your fears and asking for reassurance, use them to review your boyfriend’s history with women and your girlfriend’s history as a femme fatale. Your anxiety will drive you to ask the right questions, and, with any luck, the right answers will allow you to tell that anxiety to shut up. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 29, 2014
Pressuring somebody to care about their self-interest when they’re obsessed with something else is an often foolhardy endeavor, and not just when it comes to trying to rescue people from drugs, bad boyfriends, and Apple products (at least if you’re broke). Whether they’re too absorbed in a dysfunctional marriage or in very functional childrearing, don’t use anger or guilt to break them free. Instead, spell out why it’s necessary, regardless of the discomfort and guilt their self-restraint may cause. They will either find a personal reason for adopting your view or go back to their obsession, no matter how damaging/buggy it is.
–Dr. Lastname
My partner and I have been together more than ten years and were both in unhappy marriages when it began. My husband knew and agreed to divorce, but he only left when I gave an ultimatum. I have now moved in with my partner and his adult children are cool, but civil. It is unfair to blame me for breaking up their family as he had a previous affair and only stayed until the children grew up. I have told him that I will not tolerate being lied to and playing second fiddle to his family any longer and he now puts me first. They are not yet fully divorced but his wife has another partner. My goal is to protect our hard won happiness from the demands of others and trust that he will stay strong.
You know what you need from your fiancé, including fidelity, honesty, and being one another’s top priority, and telling your partner what you require has clearly moved him in the right direction, namely, towards you and a better future.
I assume you write, however, because you wonder if your partner’s future commitment will waver; given the amount of effort it took you to get him on course, you wonder if he’ll actually stay there. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 25, 2014
While fear usually inspires a fight or flight response, there’s also an equally unappealing third choice, “freeze,” which is when you’re too scared to move, explore your options, or even hold on to a shred of hope. In any case, once fear makes you forget your strengths and opportunities, it becomes far more dangerous than whatever you’re actually afraid of. Instead, use fear to make you think harder instead of more imaginatively about any and all forms of impending doom and you’ll usually find an effective way to handle your problem and take the fourth option in the face of fear, “calmly figuring shit out.”
–Dr. Lastname
I like my job as a hairdresser, but getting a career wasn’t easy; I had to overcome a drinking problem and a life-long learning disability that forced me to take the certification test several times before I was dry and focused enough to pass. I recently had to have oral surgery that landed me on a short course of painkillers, but when I got off I couldn’t stop shaking or crying because I became fixated on the possibility the drugs will lead me back to booze. My husband is supportive, but he doesn’t make enough money to support our family on his own, and I can’t imagine going back to work while having anxiety attacks every day. I need a way to control these attacks or I don’t know what’s going to happen to me or my family.
You may think that your brief, warranted use of a controlled substance is what’s filled you with anxiety, but it’s actually the uncontrollable fear unleashed by that experience that’s flooded you with an unwarranted, seemingly-unending amount of negative thoughts and panic.
You proved long ago that you have the strength to fight addiction and build a normal life, but anxiety is destroying the confidence you deserve. And if you keep being afraid of what you can’t control, you risk letting your life spin even further into chaos. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 22, 2014
The world of advertising has taught us that making good decisions, from choosing what car to buy to what gum to chew, requires a panel of experts; in the real world, however, four out of five friends or co-workers could agree on what’s best for you and still be extremely wrong. In reality, doing a careful, methodical evaluation often requires you to screen out distracting influences, whether they’re outside observers or inside antagonists. Then, no matter what you choose, you can unabashedly (or, in the case of advertising, literally) approve your message.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been dating a guy who’s ten years younger than I am, and I think we get along very well, but my friends have started calling me a cougar, and even though they’re joking around, it’s very embarrassing. I’m thirty-four and I’d like to get married so I’m not looking for an adventure, but neither is my boyfriend, which is part of why our relationship works. Still, I’m worried about what other people will think and how it might affect my boyfriend and hurt our relationship over time. I’m also worried that his feelings might change because he’s so young. My goal is to figure out whether I should continue this relationship.
When people warn against getting too swayed by appearances when searching for a partner, it’s easy to assume they’re just telling you to look for someone with more to offer than good looks. What they could also be saying, however, is that you need to stay focused on what’s important in a partner, no matter how your relationship appears to others.
In other words, don’t just go for a guy because he’s sexy, and don’t just dump a guy because your friends give you shit. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 18, 2014
Many relationship blow-ups are due to the most fleeting of bad moods; who knows how many divorces could have been avoided if both parties had just been well-rested, fed, and/or not stuck behind that school bus on the way home from work. The most dangerous bad moods, however, are the ones that don’t have a simple/stupid source, and if those cause someone you’re in a relationship with to push you away, you don’t have much room to negotiate. If they simply want to be alone, and have no blame to bestow, you’ll often do best to keep your distance while leaving the door open. If, on the other hand, they want to dump on you for something you know you haven’t done, use their push as a head start to get away as quickly as possible. In any case, bad moods can make relationships difficult, but moody people can make relationships impossible; stay away unless you’re good at protecting yourself and putting their moods second and your needs first.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m in high school and I’ve been very good friends with this one guy for a very long time, and he’s kind of a passive, detached person; he generally doesn’t really care that much about most things, but it really wasn’t that big of a problem. At least until recently, since he’s started acting like he doesn’t care about our friendship. I know that he isn’t worth it, but we’ve been friends for such a long time that I don’t just want to let go. When I asked him why he was so bitter, even towards me, he said that he didn’t want any friends because everything is temporary, he doesn’t care about anything, etc. Now I know it sounds cool to be like, “fuck other people, I’m alone,” but I’m afraid he’s going to end up alone and sad if he continues to be a dick like this. My goal is to make him less bitter and be my friend again.
Before you make it your goal to reclaim a lost friendship, take a second to reconsider, not because your ever-detached friend might not be worth fighting for or just doomed to a life of dick-dom, but because you probably haven’t lost his friendship in the first place.
From what he’s said, you have no reason to think his feelings about you have changed. All that has changed is his mood and attitude towards the world, which, at this time of life isn’t that unusual. That his adolescent attitude has changed in a negative/apathetic direction is even less rare. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 15, 2014
Since attention is a precious resource, it’s useful to view help like any other investment; sometimes your help pays off in the long run, even if you can’t get a good result right away, and sometimes your long-term prospects are grim and high-risk despite a good initial return. Just as you’d never invest sentimentally or impulsively, don’t get caught up in the immediate joys and frustrations of helping without first looking at the big picture and determining what you can actually accomplish and whether the benefit is worth the risk. Then you can invest wisely and with positive returns, sooner or later, for both you and those whose welfare you’re investing in.
–Dr. Lastname
I am worried that my daughter is heading for meltdown and I’m unsure how to help. Her marriage was a brief catastrophe that left her with no money and a young child. She seemed to be getting back on her feet by finding a nice place and, with my help, a new car, and she has support from family and friends. She also started a demanding new job that is out of her comfort zone–she was sick of her old job and wanted to switch careers for a long time—but now she is struggling to cope and feels back at square one with all the crying and sense of hopelessness. I suspect that returning to her old job would have had the same result, but she now feels it was a mistake to take on more stress and change, even though she needs to support her child and the work is well paid and what she always hoped to do. I have tried hard to help with practical matters and held back on unsolicited advice or judgment, but I find myself walking on eggshells for fear of getting it wrong. She is back on medication but I worry that her life is unraveling. My goal is to accept my limitations while knowing that I am doing all I can to offer support.
Parents with young children have a deep understanding of contagion, at least when it comes to the colds and infections that get picked up at the Petri dish we call school, but the real lesson comes when those children become adults. Parents might not catch their kids’ germs, but they can still get caught up in their drama.
Your daughter may feel like her life is unraveling because she is overwhelmed by motherhood and a demanding job, but don’t let her feelings infect your brain. Yes, she may wind up losing her current job, car, and temporary peace of mind, but that’s doesn’t mean she’s failing or that you have to go into crisis mode. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 11, 2014
Too often, people try to apply the koan about a tree in the woods to a mistake in their lives, i.e., if you’re fucking up but don’t acknowledge it, is it really your problem? Unfortunately, the answer isn’t just always yes, but yes, and how; avoiding a realistic look at something bad you might’ve done to someone else or yourself will often spare you the pain of immediate humiliation, guilt, or loss, but in the long run, it will cause much more. Instead of staying silent, make a sound/effort and examine the consequences and value of your actions. Then you’ll not only be able to take responsibility for your mistakes, but have some ability to make them right.
–Dr. Lastname
I have two daughters and I love my wife, so I was surprised when my older girl, who’s starting her second year of college, accused me of being sexist because of a joke I told her I liked. I admit that I don’t have a “PC” sense of humor, but I work with women I like and I’m sure they don’t think I’m sexist, so I told her she was being ridiculous, which just made her angrier. My wife then gave me a look that said she didn’t disagree with our daughter, so now I feel ambushed. My goal is to defend myself against an accusation I know is untrue from a bunch of females who are ganging up on me.
It hurts to be criticized by women who are important to you, and it makes sense that your instinct is to immediately defend yourself. The problem with a defensive reaction, however, especially when it comes to accusation of sexism, is that it reads as dismissive and patronizing. So if you think it hurts when two women you love call you sexist, imagine how those two women feel when you appear to prove them right.
You may know in your heart that you’d never treat women unfairly or target them, but plenty of people with good hearts can accidentally say and do bad things. The number one cause of offensive words and actions isn’t purposeful bigotry, but accidental ignorance; plenty of people say things that could be considered racist, but very few of them are dues-paying members of the KKK. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 8, 2014
Thanks to eBay, Antiques Roadshow, and the various fronts of the Storage Wars, it’s fairly easy to put a value on almost any object. When it comes to putting a value on our own skills, however, most of us come up dangerously short; sometimes, we overvalue our services in an unreceptive market or undervalue them in order to make sacrifices for the needs of others. Fortunately, if you pay more attention to your needs and the market than to your emotions, you can assess your professional worth without the need of an expert or auctioneer.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m glad my sons took over the family restaurant, because I really don’t want to work so hard now that I’m in my fifties, but I care about the business and still want to contribute to its success. The trouble is that they’re a bit like my ex-husband—they get very overbearing and negative about any suggestion I have to offer—so even though I’ve got a nice office at the restaurant and go there every day, I feel useless. I have ideas and expertise, but I’m just waiting for my chance to contribute. My goal is to find a way to make my sons feel more comfortable about my suggestions, so they can continue to grow the business and learn to respect their mother’s ideas.
While being of an older generation can get you respect in most families—at least if the younger generation is out of their teens—the opposite is true in business. As in art or music, a successful business-person is more apt to get due praise from the next generation after he or she is gone, not necessarily from this earth, but just from the office.
It’s a shame that your sons can’t take advantage of your restaurant management experience, but like a lot of people new to leadership, they seem determined to prove and distinguish themselves by doing things their own way. Any attempt to impart wisdom may seem less like genuine interest and more like interference. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 4, 2014
For something that’s both incredibly intangible and subjective, potential is remarkably admired. At least money can buy you lunch and loved ones can share dessert; potential is usually only valuable in absentia, when you’re either mourning it’s loss or praying for it’s arrival. Instead of pining for how you could have been, or used to be, a “contender,” stay focused on meeting your daily priorities with the things that have actual value, like work, friendships, and family. Whether your potential was really lost or was never there to lose, you can always respect what you’ve done if it’s worthwhile and ignore what could have been.
–Dr. Lastname
I used to believe in seizing the day and not thinking too much about the future, but now that I’m in my sixties, I find the things that bother me just don’t go away— seizing the day is too hard, and thinking about the future too painful. I’ve got bad knees that make it very hard to climb stairs or get through an airport without a wheelchair and my monthly medications cost serious money. Feeling helpless is the first step to feeling hopeless, so I find myself thinking depressing thoughts and feeling depressed a lot of the time. My goal is to figure out a way to not let pain and negative thinking wear me down.
When you rely on a “seize the day” philosophy to get the most out of life, you often forget that many days have nothing much to seize. On other days, you may be forced to seize moments of eating shit and compromising in order to keep your promises or protect your future security. Crap-e Diem, indeed.
If seizing the day is what really matters, then yes, as you get older, there’s less that’s new and exciting, and your seizing opportunities are fewer. If, on the other hand, you also value the less glorious and not always enjoyable parts of life, like making a living, raising kids, and being a friend, then aging just means there’s less to seize and more to savor. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 31, 2014
Some pressing problems are like mosquito bites or cravings for bags of Kit-Kats; the amount of urgency they inspire is inverse to the amount of attention they deserve. Other problems, like that angry rash on your arm or the spreading leak under the toilet, would be much easier to bear if you did not have to think or talk about them, but they’re the ones that often require careful discussion and negotiation. So don’t let your problems tell you when to talk or keep silent. Ask yourself what’s necessary, and, exactly like an adult who can deal with problems responsibly, you’ll often find yourself doing the opposite of what’s comfortable, and knowing you’re doing a good job.
Please Note: This is our last new post until 9/4, since we’re taking August to focus on finishing our book. We’ll refresh the front page with older posts while you get refreshed in the sun, and we’ll see you (and your sunburns) in September.
-Dr. Lastname
I have awful OCD symptoms that I can’t find the right treatment for. For years, I’ve had graphic, uncontrollable thoughts about killing the people I really care about (my parents, my husband), and even though I have no reason to harm the people I love, the thoughts are so persistent that I genuinely fear I’ll hurt one of them. I started psychotherapy in my twenties, and it’s always felt good to have someone I could tell about it so I felt less pressure and fear, but after all these years and communication (and a couple attempts at medication), nothing’s ever really changed. Now I’m in my forties and I’m happily married, but my husband rolls his eyes when I bring up the subject and try to relieve my fear by airing it out. My goal is to end these thoughts once and for all.
Not surprisingly, the best way to get control over obsessive thoughts isn’t to obsess over them. Airing these thoughts might provide temporary relief, but instead of releasing them, you’re empowering them; they’re like a plant, and you’re giving them the air and sunlight they need to grow and grow.
You’ve clearly tried everything, including medications, which sometimes reduce the intensity of obsessional thinking. If nothing has worked, however, then you probably also know that there isn’t a cure. That means it’s time to practice acceptance, as well as restraint. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
