Posted by fxckfeelings on May 10, 2010
Everyone wants a feel-good, look-good family, but most of us relate to the more familiar feel-bad families on TV (which look good, and feel better by the end of the show). Still, there’s a difference between your average dysfunctional family unit and your genetic/step-parent clusterfuck. When your family situation is in truly bad shape, you’ve got to be tough enough to accept what you’ve got, then focus on making the best of those impossible relationships, outsider opinions be damned. Unlike those TV families, real problems don’t get solved after a half-hour, not everybody’s pretty, and you have to ignore your ratings with the audience.
–Dr. Lastname
I need to stay married because, while I work a pretty demanding job, my wife stays at home and watches our two kids, whom she adores. The problems are, however, (and there are many): she doesn’t work because of a migraine disorder that’s so debilitating that she’s on disability, and she takes too many non-prescription pain pills for those headaches, and, while they don’t make her a bad parent (I know the kids are safe), they often make her, in your words, a really needy, grumpy asshole and an impossible woman to be married to. I never know when she’s going to kick me out of the bedroom, scream at me in front of friends, or nod off after dinner. Needless to say, she won’t try marriage counseling or cutting back on the pills and thinks I’m bullying her if I suggest we have a problem. I can’t leave her, because it’d break the kids’ hearts, plus, like I said, she provides childcare, which is not something I could afford on my salary, and if I lost custody of the kids, I’d be in a worse hell than I am now. I know I can’t leave, but I don’t think I can live like this much longer. My goal is to find a better way to survive.
You’ve got good marital reasons for staying vs. leaving (the kids, the kids, the kids, and money, but also, the kids). There’s no escaping the fact, however, that her headache is infectious, and you’ve got it, too.
You’ve obviously built up a good, solid tolerance for living with your wife’s problems without fighting all the time, and your values and perspective are great. Which is why you probably already know that your goal is impossible.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 3, 2010
Poor, well-meaning, dedicated therapists and the patients who love/destroy them. After all, it’s enticing to let someone persuade you that you’re their guardian angel and the only therapist that can help. It’s a fun ride for everyone, at least until you realize that you’re responsible for something you don’t control, and they’re even less responsible than before for dealing with reality as it is. While this is a shrink-based site, we are the first to admit that therapists are not perfect people, especially when they get in in their heads that they actually are.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a 30-year-old patient whom I’ve been seeing in weekly psychotherapy for 6 months and he had a terrible history of sexual and physical abuse and years in state care. Amazingly, despite all his trauma and several prior failed treatments, he settled into a trusting relationship with me. He tells me I’m the first person he’s bonded with, and he’s been able to stop using cocaine, and, for the first time, sees some hope for himself. The problem is that he just got a new job, and I’m not covered by his new insurance plan. He wrote me a letter telling me how much he feels his recovery depends on continuing the treatment we’ve started and I feel professionally obliged to put his welfare ahead of my financial needs, but I’d like to get paid. My goal is to do right by my patient, and not trigger the feelings of abandonment that underlie much of his negative behavior, but I’m not sure how long I can afford to see him for nothing.
There are many therapists who believe the best thing you can do for a troubled patient like this is to “be there,” providing the steady acceptance and secure relationship that they need for healing. I’m not one of them.
The sad fact is that the healing power of currently available treatments is vastly over-rated and a good example of false hope and the harm it can cause.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 29, 2010
All parents worry that they’re going to do something, from letting the kids watch too much TV to getting them bad haircuts, that will screw up their children for life. Worse is watching your co-parent, whether or not you’re still together, do the child-dooming while you have to watch. Your instinct is to protect the brood at all costs, but think twice, because doing so will probably cause way more damage than a mullet ever could.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-wife was never that solid, but even I was surprised when she left me for her yoga instructor, who’s also a total fuck-up. I agreed to joint custody because our daughter deserves to know her mother, no matter how stupid her mother is, but my wife’s visitation falls on the same days as our daughter’s ballet classes, and, wouldn’t you know, my ex- doesn’t have a car (her boyfriend crashed the one she got from me), so she tells me, in front of our daughter, that I’m selfish if I don’t drive the two of them to ballet and back, on her visitation day. It makes me nuts, because I can’t figure out a way to say “no” without disappointing my daughter and looking like a meanie. My goal is to stop my ex-wife from using our daughter to manipulate me.
Attempting to stop your ex-wife’s visitation blackmail is never a good goal; it makes you reactive to her ability to make you feel guilty and/or look bad, rather than to your own ideas about what constitutes an appropriate sacrifice for your child’s welfare.
Besides, you can’t stop her from using your worries about your daughter to push you around. Basically, your ex-wife can fart in your face whenever she wants, even when you’re behind the wheel. She’s already stunk up your marriage.
If you accept and ignore humiliation (and bad smells), however, you can focus on the more important goal you’ve already embraced, which is doing what’s necessary for your daughter’s well-being.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 26, 2010
Bad habits are rarely personal—your average nail-biter doesn’t have a cuticle vendetta—but when one half of a marriage gets into bad behavior, even if it has nothing to do with his/her spouse, it’s hard for the other half not to blame his/herself. Women want to discuss the bad habit, men quietly stew, and either way, something impersonal feels like an affront. There’s no escaping the pain when a partnership starts to break down, but you can find ways to talk about bad habits without implying that anyone has failed, or doesn’t care, or just plain bites.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband and I have two kids, we both work hard, and he always used to find time to play with the kids and spend time with me, but in the last few months, he’s buried himself in online poker in the evenings, and the kids see a lot less of him (I do, too, and it’s been a long time since we had sex). He tells me there’s nothing wrong and that he’s not betting with real cash, but I know what I see, so I’ve told him we need to talk, and that’s what’s really infuriating, because then he won’t talk at all. My goal is to figure out why he’s stopped caring about me and find a way to get through to him.
You’re assuming there’s something bothering your husband that you can figure out and communicate about, because that’s what would allow you to fix things; that it’s not the poker that’s really the problem (or the not being poked).
Before you sit him down and try to take him away from the e-poker table, ask yourself what happens if it doesn’t work, which it often doesn’t, and clearly, in your case, hasn’t.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 22, 2010
Various magazines will tell you that you can satisfy your sexual fantasies if you know what you’re doing and find the right groove; Cosmo has built an empire on this premise. What sells magazines, however, rarely translates to reality (or to anything constructive). In other words, achieving your sexual fantasies along with perfect happiness is the biggest fantasy of all, no matter how much fun it is to read at the beauty salon.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m what we in the gay community call a bear (burly and bearded). My ideal physical type, however, is the exact opposite, twinks (young, skinny man-boys), which I know isn’t exactly rare for anyone, gay or straight. My boyfriend, on the other hand, looks way more like me than my physical ideal; instead of looking lean and barely legal, he just looks like a suburban dad. Either way, I fell for him and what we have is really great, but I still feel guilty when I find myself checking out younger/leaner guys, which basically happens whenever I leave the house. I love my boyfriend, but I can’t stop my infatuation with other bodies. My goal is to get twinks out of my head before I do something stupid, like not keeping it in my pants.
Trying to change your sex fantasies is like trying not to be gay; it won’t work, you’ll think you’re out of control, and then you’ll act out of control.
Not only is trying to change your fantasies dangerous, but trying to satisfy them usually makes it impossible to have a stable relationship. Sad news, but at least Bill Clinton feels your pain.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 12, 2010
Discovery Channel always does well with its sharks, so this week, we’re going to try cases that are variations of the theme of “Shut up!” In many ways, sharks and “shut up” have the same effect on people, be they swimming in actual water or metaphorical self-pity; it’s painful and humbling, but if you come through your confrontation intact, you feel indestructable. Now, if you please, shut up and read.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a 58-year-old gay man and it’s a long time since life has been any fun. I’ve been single for some time (with no real prospects of a relationship), my friends don’t seem to have time for me, and at the end of a hard day’s work running my own business, I’ve barely broken even and have nothing to look forward to but spending the evening alone. That’s when the depression closes in and I can’t stand living. I write all this because I know that I’m a miserable failure, and that facts, not depression or any other mental illness, are behind my reasoning. I mean, when I tell my few close friends how I feel, they tell me I’m being too hard on myself, but if you’re almost 60, alone, and a financial mess, doesn’t that mean you’re a loser? My goal is to be real about myself.
Sounds like your goal isn’t to be real about yourself, it’s to be mean to yourself because you’re in a bad mood. If you were to reread the above paragraph when your mood wasn’t so shitty, you’d see your treating “facts” with the same care as Bill O’Reilly.
So, to quote Bill, Shut up, I don’t want to hear it. You wouldn’t talk like that to a friend, or even probably your worst enemy, so don’t do it to yourself.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 8, 2010
Many jobs, especially those involving leadership or sales, depend on making a good impression with the public. The risk is becoming so focused on public reaction that you end up like Ed Koch, asking “How’m I doin?” with such frequency that you lose track of exactly what you’re supposed to do (aside from getting people to curb their dogs). Most public jobs, however, involve lots of duties that only make an impression when done very poorly, so success can’t be defined by accolades, and you’re the only one who knows best. It’s up to you to be your own best judge before you end up so hungry for approval that you get stuck in deep dog shit.
–Dr. Lastname
As rabbi of a medium-sized temple for 10 years, I’ve enjoyed a good relationship with my congregation and I love the work. My problem is that I rely on the temple Board to decide whether I get a raise, and, during the last recession, there wasn’t one because everyone felt too poor to pay more dues. When, recently, I began looking at what rabbis of comparable congregations are making, however, I found that my salary is well below the mean, so I’ve been wondering how to become more active without appearing to be greedy, selfish or unresponsive to the problems of the congregation. One way that occurred to me was to do a “360 degree review” and ask everyone to give me feedback on how I’m doing, including the congregation, the board, and people who work for me. My goal is to get a high approval rating and use that to get a raise.
Unlike the woman earlier this week who was too afraid to rock the boat by asking for a raise (until anger made her want to torpedo the ship), you’re inhibited by guilt, empathy, and that certain Jewish ne sais quoi.
Still, no matter how tempting it is, don’t ask the congregation to clap if they think the rabbi deserves a raise. You’re a scholar and a leader, not Tinkerbell.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 5, 2010
Despite all that Hillary, Michelle, and Jóhanna have done to break glass ceilings for women (the latter being the first female Prime Minister of Iceland, no small shakes), we still get letters from ladies with workplace issues caused not by performance, but by gender. Ironically, our answers are far more gender-neutral; workplace disagreements should always be professional and unemotional, whether you’re a man or a woman, or in or outside of the Arctic Circle.
–Dr. Lastname
My boss has never really been supportive of my work, but we get along well, and it’s partly because I haven’t asked for a raise in over 20 years. Recently, however, he began to give me a hard time about leaving early, and it’s really pissed me off because I work a lot at home on the computer (my husband and I have trouble getting reliable after-school childcare) and I take pride in working hard. (It’s particularly unfair and infuriating because I’ve had an unusually good year and everyone, including my boss’s boss, the big boss, knows it and I was even thinking now, finally, I would get a raise. Certainly not a reprimand. I’m reaching my breaking point here, because it’s one thing to work your ass off for poor pay because you like the work and the people on your team, but another to be bullied over nothing on top of that. I’m meeting with the big boss tomorrow and my goal is to get the credit I deserve and maybe give him a piece of my mind.
Reassuring women about their feelings instead of giving them a raise is something guys have done to girls (and communication-sensitive people of all genders) since the glass ceiling was made out of quills.
This is not to say that men are entirely at fault; women make it easy for guys to do this by bringing up their feelings as a reason/using them to push for a raise, instead of letting facts and economics do the pushing for them.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 1, 2010
We began this week with people paralyzed by fear of the unknown. We now end it with people who get stuck, not due to fear of the unknown, but rather fear of the untenable; their lives are blocked by the effects, or even just the possibility, of mental illness. Everyone’s lives, even for the few of us who are sane, are fraught with danger, so there’s no point in letting any illness ruin you, at least not without a fight.
–Dr. Lastname
I know that my depression is one of the main obstacles keeping me from getting a new job; I got laid off three months ago, and even though my meds had stopped working way before that, I had enough discipline to push through. Now I don’t have a workplace to go to, I have trouble getting motivated enough to do anything, so between my inability to get out of bed and the fact I look like a mess, interviews aren’t happening. My wife is pissed because I’m not motivated to get new work and I won’t go back to see the psychiatrist, but I don’t see the point in trying this new prescription, because it’s my fourth medication so far, and I don’t understand why the first medication I took, which worked the best, stopped working, and why none of the others since has done the job. I don’t see why I should waste my time getting treatment if it isn’t going to work, but my wife thinks I’m being complacent and lazy. My goal is to find some way to get better or at least get her off my back.
You’re reinforcing something I’ve been telling my children their whole lives; life is unfair.
It was unfair for them when I wouldn’t by them a Happy Meal or the latest Nintendo game, even when they deserved it, and it’s unfair for you now that you’ve lost your job and can’t find the right meds. Unfair is unfair, as they say (or at least as I say).
The trouble is, it isn’t a fair world for anyone, young or old, and you won’t survive if you can’t take your lumps and keep on going.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 25, 2010
Much is made of how difficult commitment is. While some people actually have the opposite problem (and, if stereotype serves, a lot of those people are lesbians), commitment disorder doesn’t have an easy fix, not in the form of a pill, a breakthrough, or a Prince/ss Charming. If you don’t like commitment, the real question isn’t whether you could like being married, but whether you could like it more than being uncommitted and alone.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a history of getting claustrophobic in relationships. Once I’ve been with a guy for a while, I start to worry that he’s not really the one, and that I’m missing my chance to be with the one by being with him, so I cut him loose and start all over again. I usually feel some regrets, but I don’t stay single for long, so those regrets don’t really last. This time, however, it’s different; I dumped my boyfriend a few months ago (after living together for two years), and now that I’m old enough to think seriously about starting a family, I’m worried I just lost a guy who would’ve been a great father and a good partner. Then again, I’m also worried that if I do get him back, I’ll just get restless and ditch him all over again. I always thought that, if I found the right person, my restlessness would go away. My goal is to get over my claustrophobia and get settled down.
Some people are born restless, and, while it would be nice if love and/or therapy could take away your ramblin’ urges when the time is right, it usually doesn’t work that way.
Being restless doesn’t have to mean that you’re immature, afraid of intimacy, or defective in any way. Restlessness has its good side; it keeps you moving into new adventures, and may be a survival trait if you’re a hunter, entrepreneur, or musician. It’s not good, however, when it comes to relationships.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
