Posted by fxckfeelings on November 4, 2010
Rebuilding anything, from a family post-separation to the entire Gulf coast, is an arduous, often painful process. Strong leadership goes a long way towards aiding the operation, and in the case of divorce, a leadership duo is potentially stronger and has a lot more to offer the kids. Yes, there’s pain, but if you can ignore it as you try to figure out old relationships and make new ones, you can make the repairs without losing the foundation (or wetlands) altogether.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t hate my stepbrother, but the fact is, he’s kind of a loser. He doesn’t work hard in school, he doesn’t play sports, and all he really seems to do is play video games and hang out with the stoners doing what stoners do. I take 3 AP classes and I’m on the basketball team, and I’m not saying that to brag, but because that means I’m always busy at practice or with homework (I’m trying to get a scholarship). Still, my stepfather is always asking me to do more chores in the house and help out, and never asking his own son, who doesn’t seem to be doing jack shit. I think my stepfather doesn’t like me all that much, and that, when he’s stressed, he takes it out on me, and if I tell him he’s not being fair, he gets more pissed off. My goal is to get my stepfather to see that he needs to chill and take a closer look at what he’s doing.
It’s hard, at any age, not to focus on the unfairness of authority, and it’s worse when you’re a kid, solider, or inmate. Remember, fair is the worst four letter f-word you’ll ever encounter.
The more absolute your stepfather’s power, the more you simmer when you feel his favoritism has screwed you. The trouble is, if he perceives that you’re angry and doesn’t enjoy his authority questioned, your troubles will only get worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 1, 2010
Technically speaking, any citizen of the first world has the opportunity to be rich and powerful…except for the fact of life’s shitty, unavoidable obstacles, like being sick, poor, or just plain unlucky. If you can’t reach the dream of power and a powerboat, especially after working hard and overcoming an obstacle or two, feelings of loserdom begin to sink in. Neither owning a mansion nor overcoming poverty, however, make you a worthy individual (though they may make you feel like one). You can never be a loser if you make the best of your hard luck and build values that will protect your self-respect from the helpless humiliation of being poor and yachtless.
–Dr. Lastname
It took me forever to get my engineering degree because I had to work and go to night school, but I stuck with it because I believed it would get me a good, secure job. What’s killing me is that, now that I’m qualified, I can’t find one, because I don’t have a driver’s license, because the idea of driving gives me panic attacks. Meanwhile, my classmates have gotten all the good jobs and are moving ahead. I’m feeling angry, bitter, and depressed, and I know it’s my own fault. My goal is to get over my fears so all my work doesn’t go to waste.
You’re right to be frightened of panic attacks, because, in addition to making you feel terrible, they can come on just when you need to be at your best, look confident, and show you’re reliable. They’re the acne of mental health.
Like bad zits, they tend to come back whenever they want, for no reason you’ll ever understand, and picking at it just makes it worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 28, 2010
As life and many sitcoms have taught us, the people we work with are like family; they can drive you crazy if you listen to them too much, make you forget that your self-respect should never depend on what others think of you (including mom, dad, and the Boss), and make unreasonable demands you can’t refuse. Just as you can’t change your mom, dad, or family cat Count Fluffington, you’re not going to change the Boss, so don’t try. Learn to tune out your office relatives and focus on your own standards. Remember, it’s only a job, and maybe your professional in-laws will take you in.
–Dr. Lastname
Work has been hard for the last couple years because times have been tough and the main way that managers prove themselves and avoid being fired is by committing their teams to unrealistic goals and then getting us to overwork while blaming anyone who objects. They see it as surviving tough competition. Meanwhile, the best people have left and the rest of us feel like we’re overly loyal and/or unmarketable losers. Anyway, the rising complaints caused management to bring in a group of psychologists/consultants to make the workplace happier and improve communication. The trouble is, they’re not asking the right questions and they don’t want to hear what we’re telling them. My goal is to get the boss to see that they’re ineffective.
You might think the consulting psychologists are incompetent, but if they actually could resolve the issues you’ve described, they wouldn’t be consultants, they’d be messiahs.
Yes, the consulting psychologists were hired to make things better and management is probably sincere in believing that. Consultants who tell the whole truth in a situation like this, however, usually find themselves, like employees who do likewise, without a job. Be warned.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 14, 2010
Dreams, like deep religious faith and extreme weight loss, promise happiness, which should warn you right away that you’d better check out what you really need and what you need to do if your dream, exciting as it is, doesn’t come true. We don’t enjoy reminding you, over and over again, that life usually destroys dreams, that fate can be mean, and that you should never throw away your fat pants. We do it because we don’t think dreams are nearly as important, or as fulfilling in the long run, as doing what you can with what you’ve got.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m over 50, independent, and make just enough money to have a middle class life style without any great financial reserves, and I’ve had a steady boyfriend for several years who lives with me on the weekends, but works in another city during the week. We’re both happy with one another and this arrangement, and I feel I can count on him, but I’ve been wondering what we’ll do as we get older. Ideally, I’d like us to pool our resources and take responsibility for caring for one in sickness and health, but I get the feeling he’s hasn’t faced the issue of aging and I don’t know if he ever will. My goal is to get him to consider these issues so I can figure out where I stand.
It’s great to find a good companion, but it might be easier to find the kind of commitment you want, if not the care, from one of the companions listed on petfinder.com.
In other words, beware romanticizing what you and your current companion actually have; ask yourself if your friend is truly prepared to give to you what you’re prepared to give to him, and how you’ll react if he isn’t. You can’t be angry with him for breaking a promise he never made in the first place.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 11, 2010
Nobody wants to deny help to a loved one who needs it, but once the help is given, nobody wants to deal with the often messy aftermath. Your help may not get the grateful reaction you’d hoped for, or the help-ee may come back to you with a request for more assistance than you can possibly provide. In order to avoid the tense, nasty, Larry David-esque path that thoughtless generosity can put you on, decide first what you think is right to give, without letting your actions be dictated by neediness or a fear of what people will think or say when you say no. At fuckfeelings.com, we aren’t big on the benefits of helping, except when it’s truly appropriate, like right now, with this advice.
–Dr. Lastname
When my wife and I split up ten years ago, she got full custody of our son; she wanted to punish me, and after a long court battle, she came out victorious and I’ve tried to make the best with what little access I have. Since we split up when he was 8, my kid’s in college now, so he can see me if he wants to. The thing is, most of the times he gets in touch, it’s because he needs money. I talk it out with him and only really give when it doesn’t seem stupid (no, I’m not funding his desired giant flat screen), but when I talk about coming to visit, he’s always got a reason to say no. More and more, I feel like I’m being used. My goal is to see my son, and it’s also not to let him feel he can get away with using me.
Even without messy divorces, evil exes, and unfriendly court rulings, some parents find they can’t have a reasonable relationship with a selfish kid.
You might want to blame yourself for his behavior—that somehow your divorce and the ensuing custody fight corrupted him somehow—but whatever, he is who he is, whether nature or mal-nurture, and he’s not going to change anytime soon.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 7, 2010
The feeling of wanting to help someone you love is so strong, it often comes right around from helping to harming you both. Your drive to make that person’s life better can be so intense as to prevent you from seeing that you’re seeking to do the impossible and are actually headed for a head-on collision with the person you want to save. No matter how much you’d like to help, look for the limits on what’s possible and don’t let your emotions become the message or entrance to a vicious cycle.
–Dr. Lastname
I never know what to tell my sister who’s always asking my advice about some conflict she’s gotten herself into. She’s not really asking for advice, really, just giving me a long song-and-dance about how badly she was provoked before retaliating and saying something dumb and nasty. It’s always a situation which winds up with her looking and acting like a jerk, often with her own kids. She knows she’s made a mess of things, doesn’t hold a grudge, and can admit that her behavior stinks; but, under the pressure of the moment, she always make the same mistake again and then comes running to me for sympathy and advice. My goal is to help her get a grip before she loses her kids.
Some people are perfectly nice when they aren’t angry, and perfectly horrible when they are, and there’s no connection between the two. It’s like, if instead of turning big and green, becoming the Hulk made Bruce Banner a dickhead.
When the fog lifts, nice girl is sorry for the messes her angry half creates, and tries extra hard to be likeable to make up for it. Then again, however remorseful she is, there’s no change the next time around.
You know our professional terminology for people who act badly and it’s always the other guy’s fault: “asshole.” People assume that all assholes are obnoxious, when in fact, some are quite nice, and some are aware of their problem. You just wouldn’t like them when they’re mad.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 4, 2010
We’re hardest on family because, unlike those we’re not bound to by blood, family is stuck with us forever. Then again, being stuck together often forces the released negativity to bounce back and forth, like light in a laser, until it gets strong enough to zap your perspective and make you feel like a loser. Getting out of that mindset requires looking outside of the family circle and unsticking yourself from your nearest, dearest and harshest.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t consider myself a lazy person—I take care of the kids and sell some of my paintings—but my husband isn’t crazy about selling cars and would really like to stay home and take care of the kids himself, so he’s always making remarks about having to carry the harder load and asking me if I could find a way to make more money. I’ve tried to find better-paying work, but I’m dyslexic, and what I’m doing is probably about as good as it gets, given my skills and the flexibility I need for the kids. Anyway, he’s been nastier lately because car sales are down and it’s getting to me. My goal is to get him to stop putting me down.
You can’t stop someone from putting you down—haters gotta hate, as the kids say, even if the hater is your husband, and most husbands are haters, at one time or another.
On the other hand, just because someone you love is trying to put you down doesn’t mean you have to take their criticism to heart and sink, doomed unless you can get them to take it back and promise never to do it again.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 27, 2010
Defining what makes a marriage successful isn’t an easy task; for some, marital success is starting a family, or running a business, or just living under one roof without poisoning each other’s oatmeal. No matter what your definition of success, however, marriage is often painful, even when it’s doing you and others a lot of good, and even when you’re being a pretty good partner. So don’t buy into the idea that an unhappy marriage is necessarily a bad marriage or a sign that you’re failing or even that you made a bad decision. A marriage can feel crappy but still be fruitful, productive, and not lethal.
–Dr. Lastname
My partner and I have been running a successful restaurant together for almost ten years, and while it’s usually a smooth operation, he does this thing when we’re under pressure of interrupting whatever I’m doing whenever he needs help, as if what he’s doing is always more important. If I’m not too busy, it’s not a problem, but usually I am pretty busy since business is good, and I can’t drop everything to meet his needs. I try to explain to him why I have to finish what I’m doing and how he’s being unfair or throwing off my timing, but it never gets through, and he either sounds bossy or hurt or both, and it’s humiliating in front of our employees. I don’t think it will destroy our personal or professional partnership, but it drives me crazy and my goal is to get him to stop.
It’s safe to say that your partner wouldn’t come to you if he didn’t think his issues were extremely pressing, so good luck convincing him to stop bothering you about said issues. What you see as a petty problem, he sees as an international crisis.
So, according to him, his demands are necessary and fair, unlike your tone. If he’s believed that for ten years, he’s not going to stop now.
The one thing you may have a little more control of—though only a little—is your own sensitivity to his words. If you cook a dish at a different temperature, it makes a big difference.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 23, 2010
You can’t force people to love you, your partner, or your favorite Beatle, but as long as you’re sure you’ve made the right choice, you can learn to stand by your decision without getting drawn into a fight. Defending your choice or partner to your parents or your kids is harder than defending Ringo, so protect yourself from over-reaction with preparation, courage, and a disciplined determination to shut up. And maybe an open mind about Paul.
–Dr. Lastname
My parents have been on my case for years to find a new girl and settle down. I’m not a particularly social guy, so it took a lot of work/internet dating to find my fiancée, an amazing, down-to-earth woman who was worth all the effort. The only trouble is, I know they’re not going to be happy about the fact that she’s not Catholic. I’m barely Catholic myself—I was raised Catholic obviously, but haven’t been to church since high school—and since my fiancée doesn’t have a religious bone in her body, I’m not about to ask her to convert. Still, my parents are going to be unhappy, and I’m sure it will show and it hurts me and will probably affect how welcome my fiancée feels in our family. My goal is to get my parents to see past our faith (or lack thereof).
While we can tell you to fuck feelings, it’s not that easy to tell your parents to do the same, if only because they believe that saying “fuck” can send you to hell.
More importantly, there’s nothing you can say that will change how they feel, and trying will just make their feelings more important, which they aren’t, and trigger a conflict no one can win.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 16, 2010
Everything about having a kid, from the “birth plan” to the child’s name to the choice to procreate itself, is fraught and complicated. If you choose to have a kid, you feel responsible for making the experience perfect, and if you choose not to, you’ve failed to take a responsibility that many people believe you should. So, if you’re feeling guilt or regret, learn what triggers that guilt-reflex and how to disregard it when your own moral judgment clears you of wrong-doing. And if you could avoid naming your child any derivation of Aiden, all the better.
–Dr. Lastname
My younger brother and his wife just had a baby. While I’m thrilled for them and love my baby nephew to death, it’s been harder for me than I thought it would be. While I’m in my early 30s and don’t have any children of my own (but I do have a great husband), I’m not jealous. Actually, I feel guilty for not being jealous, or not holding my nephew and wishing I had a child of my own. I don’t understand why I don’t want kids, but I really don’t. When I married my husband, he felt the same way, but now he’s started talking about starting a family and I feel awful that I can’t get on the same page, or just can’t be normal and want a baby as much as I think I should. I want a second dog way more than I want a baby, and that I feel that way makes me feel terrible. My goal is to figure out what’s wrong with me and why I can’t be a mom.
If you and your husband agreed in advance to live in the country and he later decided he preferred Manhattan, you probably wouldn’t feel guilty about thwarting his desires by keeping him in the sticks, even if it made him unhappy.
So, while you wouldn’t like to deprive him of his dream, you wouldn’t feel guilty about it, either. Ask yourself then why having children should be such a different issue.
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