Posted by fxckfeelings on April 2, 2012
When you’re overwhelmed with depressed or anxious feelings that don’t seem “justified” or connected to the usual events of your life, you first doubt whether you deserve to feel that bad, then doubt your sanity entirely. That’s because these intense, negative emotions tell you that you’re worthless and/or doomed when you’re not (at least, no more than anyone else), and most people assume their emotions must be at least a little right. In reality, symptoms pass and you’re never worthless or doomed as long as you can keep your perspective, so instead of jumping to dire conclusions when intensely negative feelings try to seize control of your brain, stand your ground.
–Dr. Lastname
I feel guilty for feeling like I might be depressed. I have no reason to feel sad (and that word makes me cringe because it doesn’t quite sum up the multitude of emotions that devastate me on a regular basis; desperate, useless, pathetic, oxygen thief, loser and plenty other perfectly good adjectives could cover it) and because I can’t justify it, I start to feel frustrated. I’m like an elastic band – one minute I’m the happiest person on earth and the next I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel, ready to drop where I stand and content to never get back up again. I’m twenty and so it might just be that I’m walking the boundary line between physical maturity and teenagerdom, where angst haunts us all. I’ve had difficulties with this kind of thing in the past—my dad died when I was nine and I developed anorexia shortly after and while I’ve since ‘recovered’ (I hate that word), I still have issues with the way my body looks. I tried to kill myself when I was thirteen for no other reason that I can remember other than I had a rope and a bunk bed and fuck it, why not? Obviously I failed and I’ve never tried it again, but now and then I’ll look up at my ceiling fan and think, “Why not?” And then I’ll feel silly and awkward. But then I’ll be driving down the freeway and think “one jerk of the wheel and I’m out”. Or I have a headache and I’m staring at a very large bottle of aspirin and it’ll be there, in the back of my head, whispering away. It’s not normal to feel like that, is it? Even if they are just passing thoughts, it shouldn’t be like this. Does everyone think like this?
When you find yourself with frequent feelings of self-loathing and an urge to end it all, the question isn’t whether other people think like this (not usually), or whether you should have to feel like this (should or not, you do, and that’s the way it is), or why you feel like this (life is indisputably unfair and some people carry inexplicable pain).
The question you should instead be asking yourself is whether you can find a reason to live, knowing that you often don’t really want to. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 29, 2012
Before we discovered communication as the solution to family conflict and misunderstanding, we knew better. Back then, people thought before they spoke, believed silence was golden, and had to live without remote controls. Communication satisfies a yearning, but if you think first about your goal before opening your mouth, you’ll usually discover that it’s good to communicate a positive vision and bad to share feelings before remembering how your first-degree relative will almost certainly respond.
–Dr. Lastname
After my son left home, he became very distant and uncommunicative. Then last year, almost ten years later, he finally starting calling me regularly, then opened up and confessed he had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I was delighted by his openness and thought we were on the right track, but now, a year later, I’m starting to wonder. What now happens is, after he’s gotten wasted on one thing or another for a few days and run out of money, he calls me up to tell me how bad he feels, how sorry he is, and how much he hates himself. I try to be sympathetic, but I hate to hear his misery, I’m tired of telling him he’s really OK, and I’m angry that he doesn’t stay sober for very long and doesn’t do anything about it except dump the problem on me when he’s feeling low. My goal is to see him get better, so I don’t want to cut communication, but our talks are not working.
Shared feelings can be a good step forward if your son knows what he wants to do with himself, other than share feelings.
Hurray, he’s discovered you’re supportive and not mean, punitive or critical, and sharing with you feels good. Unfortunately, that’s his only goal. You’re not reconnecting, you’re becoming his favorite hangover cure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 22, 2012
Regardless of what you hear on TV about the power of exercise, fish oil, and Xenu, none of us has much control over the way we or our loved ones die. We beat death, not by postponing the inevitable, but by sustaining our most important priorities—love and commitments—in the face of helplessness, pain, and impending loss. In other words, we beat death in so much as we don’t let it take over our lives.
–Dr. Lastname
I love my wife and we’ve had a great 30 years together but, since her cardiac arrest during a heart attack, she hasn’t been the same. What I really hate is that, as much as I want to help her recover and prevent her from slipping back, she doesn’t seem to want to get better. I know she has some memory problems and isn’t steady on her feet, but her physiotherapist gave her a good set of exercises. Instead of doing them, however, she’s happy to stay in our bedroom all day and watch TV, often blowing off important medical appointments. I get furious and find myself screaming at her, which does nothing but make me feel mean and cruel. My goal is to get her to do her best to recover, because I don’t want to punish her, but I can’t stand the idea that she’s making herself worse, and then I could lose her.
People don’t age and die because we lose our fight to live; we die because we die. Fighting is merely a protest demonstration and/or holding action. Understandably, you don’t want to lose your wife, but no amount of effort on her part will stave off death forever.
We’d all prefer to believe that love and determination could drive your wife to recover from her disability, and, under some circumstances, they could (most of those circumstances, as we’ve said many times, involve a screenwriter).
Unfortunately, they often can’t, and, if her disability is not treatable, persistent pushing could make you abusive and destroy the relationship that’s her most meaningful source of support. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 19, 2012
Everyone knows how hard it is to find someone to love who will love you back for who you really are, but few people acknowledge how much they’re willing to hide themselves in order to make a one-sided relationship seem reciprocal. If the person you’re with can’t deal with your faults, you shouldn’t make yourself deal with trying to be faultless. Better to end something with Mr. Right and be alone than stay with someone who thinks you’re just Ms. Meh.
–Dr. Lastname
I lost the love of my life by hanging on to her too hard, and now I’m trying to let go in order to get her back. We had a good relationship for 2 years and I was always able to ignore the fact that she didn’t love me the way I loved her, even though she sometimes shoved me to the periphery of her life. We spent lots of time together because we shared common interests, and I should have been content with that. Instead, I lost control one night and told her how angry I felt, and she said it’s over because she didn’t want more drama in her life. Now, when I run into her, I try to be friendly but distant, because I know that any reaching out will cause her to back off. My goal is to get her back, and I wonder whether there’s anything else I can do.
It’s relatively easy to get love started, but it’s much harder to sustain it, and even harder to survive it.
That’s because there are lots of ways to control initial attractiveness, from a slick haircut to an arsenal of clever pick-up lines. Once chemistry is established, however, no haircut can contain or control it. Even couples therapists have the same divorce rate as the rest of us. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 12, 2012
The problem with most of our methods for rating ourselves is their reliance on feelings; the pleasure of doing things perfectly, or the satisfaction of beating the other guy and pleasing your parents or the pain of being disrespected by the community because of who your parents are. Naturally, these feelings are often false, since we tend to feel good for the wrong reasons or can’t feel good because of reasons we don’t control. So, instead of letting emotions dictate when you’ve succeeded or failed, consult your values and judge yourself the way you’d judge anyone else. You can’t make feelings of failure go away, but when they try to lead you to negative conclusions, you don’t have to follow.
–Dr. Lastname
Compared to my father, I’ve failed to achieve much in life. He inherited a lot of money, doubled it, and was well respected as a banker and business consultant. Sure, he was also a jerk who was unbelievably nasty with everyone at home, but that’s another story. He still made sure I got a great education and went to business school, which he never did. I was fantastically lucky with my wife and kids and I worked hard, but I never came close to his success. Forty years later, I’ve barely got enough money to retire and I can’t help my grandchildren with graduate school. People think of me as a nice guy but not as an impressive businessman and I leave no great fortune to the next generation. How do I live with the fact that I’ve failed?
Somewhere in the human brain, somewhere near the mammal brain and the lizard brain, is the lesser-known marine brain. It’s the part that makes us, like fish in a school, define how we’re doing by where everyone else is.
There’s no shame in it, but there’s no reason to listen to it, either.
In the more advanced parts of your brain you’ll find your values, and they’re worth reviewing first, not just in order to be a good person, but to develop standards that protect you from being too fishy and comparing yourself to friends and family. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 5, 2012
Co-worker Counseling
As anyone who’s done time in a cubicle knows, co-workers often give and take well-intentioned advice in order to make the team work better and/or save one another trouble. The problem is that giving unsolicited advice, no matter how well-intentioned, and regardless of the context, is as tricky as defusing a bomb; one wrong word or movement and you’re dodging fall-out for weeks. So, if the advice you want to give seems personal or targets a weakness about which someone is sensitive, it’s more likely to damage relationships that, since work is work, are inescapable. Don’t think of giving advice, or reacting to it, until you’ve found a way to take out the sting and remove any implication of personal failing. You can do it, but only if you’re willing to keep your deeper feelings to yourself (and/or keep your eye out for a new place to work).
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know how to respond to a co-worker of mine, who has always looked down on me for being sloppy. I’m not the best lab-tech in the world, but I’ve been doing it for years and I’m pretty good (my boss agrees). This particular colleague, however, is gung-ho about improvement and peer feedback and he started up this self-rating program that identified neatness as a positive value for good work. Now he wants to help me be neat to improve my work (his words!) and I want to take my fingers and shove them up his nose. My goal is to respond appropriately.
Most people feel responsible for their weaknesses, particularly one like sloppiness, which seems voluntary and controllable. As a result of this mistaken point of view, slobs, like the overweight and the flakey, live in a (messy) world of shame.
After all, they’ve heard from parents and teachers how much more they could achieve if they would take neatness seriously and accept help in improving themselves, tried to take that advice seriously…and kept cluttering all the same. So no wonder you feel like dumping garbage all over your colleague’s neatness parade. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 23, 2012
Mental illness, much like the devil, performs its greatest trick when it convinces the sufferer it doesn’t exist. That’s why some sick people don’t believe they’re sick, because they’re too sick to know, while others fall into denial rather than admit they don’t have control and can’t get it. If that includes you, don’t worry; you can force yourself to become objective as long as you’re willing to accept whatever unpleasant evidence you uncover. If it’s a matter of a deluded brain, however, you can’t recover without relying on the kindness and common sense of family and strangers to deliver you from evil.
–Dr. Lastname
I believe what started out as typical empty nest syndrome has turned into complete paralysis. I’m literally stuck in my own nest! I know it’s strictly up to me to get myself launched, but I’ve lost all confidence in my ability to go/do/be well, anything. I think it’s more than simply “get a hobby.” I’ve come to the sad reality that my “friends” were really more like “bleacher/booster buddies” from all of my kid’s activities over the years, and now I find myself without any close friends, and no real interests. I was a stay at home mom (by choice) and had always planned to get back into the workforce once my kids got older, but MS sidelined those plans, and keeps me pretty challenged nowadays. I know I need to get myself back in the game, but my list of excuses as to why this is impossible only grows over time. I’m not always mobile, I’m not confident about how I look, and I just feel like I’m boring and have nothing to offer anyone. Since I’m already assuming nobody’s going to like me, maybe I should just go eat some worms…but of course that would require a trip out my nest, and…well, I guess you get the whole “woe is me” picture. I cannot figure out where to begin to ever break this cycle of negativity. Can you help me hatch a better plan than the useless one I’m currently sitting on?
Anyone can get into a rut, but multiple sclerosis makes it much, much harder to get yourself out. You might not realize this, but your empty nest is actually more of a sick bed.
MS not only makes you doubt your stamina and physical balance, it also frequently makes your emotions more intense, particularly the negative ones that tell you you’re useless and lacking in courage.
So, when your mind tells you that you have no friends and nothing to offer, that’s the MS and depression talking. Of course, it would be easier to tune it out if there were other voices to help you do so, but the negative thoughts keep you from seeking out new company, and so the rut deepens. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 20, 2012
When love hurts, everyone’s a psychologist looking for a fixable issue. Trouble is, most love problems have deep roots that can’t be fixed without a single (or couples) lobotomy. Whether the problem starts with your feelings or the other guy’s (and, often, it’s clearly one or the other, not both), the big question is whether whoever owns them can manage them, not whether you can make them go away. In either case, if you’re prepared to accept whatever you find, you can stop love from destroying you, even if you can’t stop it from hurting your heart and your head.
–Dr. Lastname
I love my boyfriend—we’ve been together for 2 years and I’d like us to be able to live together when our kids (from previous marriages) are grown—but every few months he gets a strange look in his eye, his body language changes, and he acts like he’d rather be somewhere else. When I confront him, he’s apologetic, but admits he’d rather be alone, and then he goes back to his place and doesn’t call. I feel devastated, but I give him space, and eventually he’s back to himself and we settle into our talk-every-day routine. After the first time or two, I thought we’d worked things out and it wouldn’t happen again, but now I’m losing faith. I want him to get help. I can’t see how our relationship can go forward if this keeps happening and that’s my goal.
It’s weird, but there are some people who would really like to have committed relationships who are also allergic to them. Sadly, there is no relationship version of the poodle.
While such people have shaky moods, their values are solid. The problem isn’t that they’re distracted by beautiful new people or romantic excitement; they simply can’t stand too much domesticity for too long without getting short of breath and dying to be alone. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 16, 2012
More often than not, being nice isn’t. It can get you focused on doing good for other not-quite-so-nice people who will never be able to return the favor, or on cleaning up impossible messes, instead of focusing on the larger, more important goals that go beyond good gestures towards common sense. Be nice if you must, but remember that you have other goals, one of which is knowing when you have to be cruel to be kind.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stop thinking about my wife’s lack of support. I’ve supported her in everything she wanted to do, whether it was getting a professional degree or going away for a week to study photography, but now I’m the one who wants to go back to school part-time to get a special ed certificate, and she’s hemming and hawing about how we don’t have the money. I’ve done the budget, and we can get by while I’m in school, and the degree will pay off, but she’s very cool to the idea. I want her to see how unreasonable she’s being and how unfair this is after all I’ve done for her.
There’s nothing wrong with being a giving, loving partner, as long as you don’t expect the world to treat you fairly. And the world includes your wife.
Few people are nice and giving all the time. Even worse, no matter how nice you are to those around you, there are lots of people who don’t give a shit about your generosity, are teflon when it comes to good will, and are never going to be nice, period. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 13, 2012
During a recession of any size, work places often turn mean; salaries fall, everyone is afraid of layoffs and unemployment, and fear, like shit, flows downhill. In times like these, unless you’re a lucky member of the one percent, stress is not a preventable condition. A large part of the stress, however, comes from the feelings that you have about work, rather than the work itself. After all, if you feel like your office is a family, then a tense office will affect you way too personally. If you remember why you’re there, and keep your standards, you can keep a level head in a shitty economy, no matter what percentage you’re in.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve put up with a lot at this job, but this really takes the cake, and I’m not sure if it’s worth putting up with my boss’s bullshit anymore. So, recently I asked for a raise, but then my boss cuts my hours, so that I am basically making the same amount of money that I made before and the raise doesn’t even count. Is that even legal? Probably, because he’s studying to be a lawyer to find more ways his employees can get screwed. I’ve been working my butt off, and I’m getting nowhere. My goal is to get what I deserve.
We always have lots of feelings about our bosses, usually negative, that make us forget what we’re there for; not getting treated well, just getting paid.
When it comes to the people who have power over our lives—bosses, parents, political leaders—we expect nothing less than appreciation, fairness, security, a good income, justice, etc. No wonder the feelings are negative. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
