Posted by fxckfeelings on October 13, 2011
We mock dogs for chasing their own tails, but people do the same thing everyday in their own heads; that’s what obsessions are like for those who sometimes know what they’re doing and wish they could stop, and sometimes just wish they could catch that tail. Some people can’t make up their minds, some can’t unmake them, but nobody can control those who are in obsession’s grasp. You can only stay calm and avoid argument while they mentally run in circles, chasing their own butts.
–Dr. Lastname
I have struggled and do struggle with mental illness. I am 29-years-old and live in my parent’s house with my 2-year-old. Although I have been in school and have worked a few jobs, I can’t seem to stay on one path once I’ve made a decision. I have a very difficult time making decisions, whether they are big decisions or small ones, and once I do finally make a decision I often drive myself crazy changing my mind a billion times. I break up with my boyfriend every few weeks because I’m doubting my decision of being with him, then I turn around and try to mend it because I’m doubting my decision about breaking up. I booked a trip and spent the whole two weeks prior wondering whether I should go, worrying about something bad possibly happening. I struggled right up until the morning of my flight, almost cancelling and not going to the airport 15 minutes before boarding time. This problem has contributed to ruining relationships in my life and I’m very tired of dealing with it. Why am I constantly plagued with indecisiveness and how can I cope?
Your were right the first time; what’s bothering you isn’t indecisiveness, it’s mental illness. That’s one of the many conclusions you don’t have to second guess.
It’s mental illness that makes you unthink everything you think; if it were indecisiveness, it would arise more from a wish to avoid decisions or uncertainty about what you want. Your problem seems more like a mental tic that obsesses you with doubts and alternatives every time you make a plan. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 10, 2011
Whether you feel you’re in the right or in the wrong, defining your moral position in terms of someone else’s feelings is going to get you lost. If you feel you’re in the wrong, you don’t have to win forgiveness to make it right. If you feel wronged, trying to get an apology will probably making the wronging worse. If you’re doing what’s right, it won’t matter how people respond; having confidence in carefully considered choices will keep you on course.
–Dr. Lastname
I was a terrible mother to my kids when they were younger—I yelled all the time and even hit them, and my husband had good reason to divorce me and allow nothing but occasional custody. Still, I love them dearly and I’ve always wanted to make amends; we’re all older now (they’re in their 20s), I’m a lot calmer after a lot of therapy to work through my anger issues. I’d do anything to help them, but one of them threatens to stop talking to me if I mention the fact that she drinks too much, and the other is polite but pretty distant. I feel I can’t get through to either of them because the mistakes of my past have ruined things forever. What can I do to mend our relationship?
I don’t doubt you want to help your kids, but that help comes with a high price– forgiveness for being an asshole when they were younger.
That was years ago, though, and you’ve continued to care for them and pay for them while learning to control your behavior (their being older probably helped). So before you ask how to get their forgiveness, ask what you have to do to forgive yourself. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 3, 2011
When people are overbearing, the natural response is to overreact, either by submitting entirely to their will or coming back with the same level of aggression. While our instincts tell us to “fight or flight,” we have to overcome our core lizard brain, take a step back, and figure out our own plan and our own moral and ethical priorities. Then we can state opinions, invite rational discussion, and evolve past conflict altogether.
–Dr. Lastname
I appreciate my husband, I really do; he’s a hard-working, reliable partner and father. The problem is, he’s also a reliable pain in the ass. He’s so controlling about whether the kids are polite, or the living room is clean, or the food tastes good…he’s always giving us dirty looks or telling us how we should act, and then does everything himself, anyway, so it will turn out the way he wants. If I criticize him, he acts like an underappreciated martyr and won’t talk to us until I apologize, but I hate apologizing; it doesn’t fool him, and it makes me feel unfairly humiliated, dishonest, and angry. How do I manage his overbearing behavior without wanting to kill him?
In many ways, telling someone you’re sorry is more taxing than telling someone you love them. An apology might get you some peace and reduces tension in the family, but, unlike expressing love, it’s all give and no take. And in this case, you’re saying sorry when you really don’t give a shit.
So, on the one hand, you’re showing him you appreciate his hard work and understand his intentions are good (even if they drive him to be a jerk, thus avoiding a pointless fight, which is good for everyone involved.
The negative side, however, is that you force yourself to lie, reinforce his feeling of being a righteous martyr, and perpetuate the controlling behavior that drives everyone crazy in the first place. Essentially, the more you tell him “I’m sorry,” the sorrier you’re going to be in the long run. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 29, 2011
Whether you’re hustling for tips, laughs, or just a good impression, getting a positive response seems like your most important goal. Trouble is, it also makes you more sensitive to shame, rejection, and superficial judgment while robbing you of pride you might know you deserve. So enjoy the singles, applause, and/or second dates if they come, but the most positive response has to come from you.
–Dr. Lastname
I met (and fell for) my girlfriend when I first started doing comedy improv—she’s been doing it for years, so she taught me the basics—and I’ve been looking forward to performing together ever since. We’ve been getting along well as a couple, particularly since I understand and accept that she’s not very good at understanding and interacting with people, and that she can get brusque when she’s just preoccupied with her own ideas. I don’t take that stuff personally, but when she told me recently that she didn’t want to perform with me because my timing is off and it interferes with hers, I was hurt. After all, that’s not what our director or the audience seems to think—they think we’re funny together—but she obviously disrespected my abilities, after having been encouraging me for so long, and it really bothered me. I don’t know if there’s any point in wanting to be with her if she doesn’t respect my work.
Everyone talks about how crucial honesty is in relationships, but when you’re dating someone with a social palsy, you often get honesty in excess…which can often lead to a lack of wanting to talk to each other anymore.
Even though you know your girlfriend’s bad at censoring herself or her moods, you can’t help feeling hurt when the girl you love and respect, personally and professionally, tells you she doesn’t like your style. It’s especially baffling when she helped create your style in the first place.
Once you act hurt and retaliate, however, you’re provoking or criticizing someone who already has an ax to grind, and more disrespect is sure to follow. That’s how road rage ignites and Middle Eastern wars begin. Honesty is not the best policy. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 26, 2011
When someone behaves badly and doesn’t see it, it may be because they’re driven by values that can’t be contradicted, not by you, other priorities, or other values. It may also be because they don’t have any values other than their immediate needs, but either way, you’re looking at a hell of a relationship hurdle. In any case, don’t assume that agreement in principle is necessary for someone to change bad behavior. Sometimes it’s enough that you believe it’s bad and insist on change, very clearly, as a condition for continuing your relationship. Other times, they won’t budge, and as much as you value their company, your values have to come first.
–Dr. Lastname
My girlfriend is a good person, and we get along well, except when her ex-husband and spoiled son come into the picture. She’s the bread-winner, so her ex is always sending her bills for extra expenses and he messes with the visitation schedule whenever he wishes (their son lives with him because she’s often traveling on business). What seems to get to my girlfriend is when her ex shows signs of having a new live-in partner, and he’s nastier with her when he thinks I’m around. With her son, my girlfriend’s biggest fear is that he’ll get mad and not want to visit, so she gives him whatever he asks for. The whole situation creeps me out and puts me on the periphery. When I push her to set limits, she reacts as if I’m burdening her with one more demand. My goal is to make our relationship work.
The most devotedly pleasing girl in the world isn’t going to do you much good if she can’t carve out enough space and time for your relationship. After all, her devotion and drive to please have a waiting list.
If there’s a problem, as there is here, it’s often not a measure of how much she loves you, but of how well she can respond to other demands in her life. Without priorities or limits, she’s not going to please anyone. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 22, 2011
No matter how many times we say that no love is so powerful that it should render one powerless, we keep getting emails about broken hearts, broken promises, and the resulting broken lives. When love pushes you to fuck up your life and/or someone else’s, it’s your choice to either fight to stay in control or say, well, love is all you want, so whatever happens must be worthwhile. You might be in love, but you’re not without choices. And if/when you make the wrong choice, you can always choose to write us.
–Dr. Lastname
When my son was born 30 years ago, I met two other moms and we became friends. Although with partners, we shared the same interests and our kids got along well, and we spent the next years as very good friends doing lots of things together and with the children-one of those friends even married my brother (one son and three years later, they divorced). At the same time, I met a new partner (I was now separated from my son’s father), and we spent the next 27 years having a very on-off relationship. It’s difficult to sum up all those years but I think I can say that I probably cried through most of it! I should have left, I didn’t, he wasn’t committed, I was, I wanted a family life, he didn’t. I’m not perfect and I didn’t always behave well. Five years ago he had a son by another, not partner, woman and when that didn’t work out he and I got together again. Then last year, I invited my friend/ex sister-in-law to lunch with us, and they got together. The shock was immense … and it’s not so much the loss of either but this terrible feeling that I have been used as a sort of dating service by my friend and I just can’t get rid of this feeling of betrayal. It’s now a year on and I haven’t seen them since, and the emotional hurt is a lot less– I have done lots of new things, made new friends, and life is rosier, but I have this constant anxiety that this friend is going to take someone else from me – my sister? my other brother? and, worst of all, I have this strange fear that it will be my son. I would like to be happy for my ex and my friend, but I can’t. I protect myself by staying away but I have this huge sense of loss that I have lost this whole part of my life. I need to let go of this underlying anxiety that I am going to lose someone to her again.
When it comes to kids, we expect parents not to expose them to unnecessary rejections and losses from adults they’ll get attached to, who will then go away. When it comes to how parents protect their own hearts, however, the same standards don’t seem to apply, even though, as your experience shows, they really should.
Yes, I understand, you’ve loved a guy for 27 years, but it was always off-and-on, causing you intermittent heartache and wasting your opportunity for something better. You wouldn’t have needed a shrink, psychic, or your average plumber to predict a sad end to all you invested in him and his family.
That doesn’t mean your love was meaningless or less than real. It was powerful, at least for you. Like a good mother, however, your job is to protect yourself from real attachments that can’t work, and you haven’t done that. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 8, 2011
Getting over a relationship can mean a lot of things—a bad haircut, eating entire pints of ice cream, sex with people you wouldn’t normally make eye contact with, etc.—but what’s most important isn’t how you get over it, but what you get out of it. If you come out the other side with bad feelings but great insight, you’re feeling worse but doing way better than the person who feels great but lacks perspective altogether. Those who don’t learn from relationships are doomed to repeat them, no matter how many bad haircuts it takes.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t seem to recover from my wife’s infidelity. Six months ago, when I found out, it nearly destroyed me. I stopped sleeping, and started eating compulsively, and felt depressed and anxious all day. I have a demanding job and we have a 2-year-old son and I simply had to keep going. Now, after months of couples therapy and my wife’s promising to stop drinking and then starting up again, I’ve gotten strangely detached. I don’t think our marriage is going to make it and, on some level, I don’t care. I can’t lose the 20 pounds I gained, I don’t exercise the way I used to, and I can’t seem to get my confidence or happiness back. What more should I be doing?
I want to take this opportunity to congratulate you, not for losing a horrible spouse (that seems both insensitive and obvious), but for becoming a fat, lazy mope. Most people consider “letting themselves go” to be a bad thing, but in this instance, it’s a positive side-effect of recovery at work.
After all, the best measurement of how well you’ve recovered from trauma is not how good you feel. This Sunday marks a rather grim anniversary for many Americans, and after 10 years, some of those people still hurt, and some of those in pain are also in shape. Trauma doesn’t factor into it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 22, 2011
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People like to think that trusting an inner voice—their gut, their instincts, the force, etc.—will always lead in the right direction. In actuality, instincts and body parts are better known for causing instant urges (a.k.a. “feelings”) that ignore logic and implant convictions that the sky is falling, love occurs at first sight, and advertising never lies. When it comes to major decisions, don’t trust your gut (which, as we’ve pointed out before, is literally full of shit). Find out facts and figure out the odds before doing something that scares you, titillates you, or gives you an enormous Visa bill.
–Dr. Lastname
My brother is a good doctor, and an especially good one given that he’s struggled with depression his whole life. When his own illness needs attention, however, he becomes a terrible patient. He doesn’t get depressed often, but when he does he obsesses about the possible side effects of each medication and so doesn’t take what’s recommended, takes half the prescribed dose, or insists on his doctor giving him something less harmful (and much less effective). The result is that he drives his doctor (and me) crazy and takes a lot longer to get better. When I tell him he’s over-reacting to his fears, he tells me “I’ve learned to listen to my body.” I know he’s a doctor, but I think his body’s lying. What can I do to help him when he’s sick?
It’s a sad fact of mental illness that it often prolongs itself by disabling a person’s ability to seek and select appropriate treatment. Like any smart disease, it knows from self-preservation (in all the ways your brother does not).
That means you can’t necessarily get through to your brother by reasoning or addressing his fears. In your brother’s case, it’s unlikely, not just because you and his doctors have tried and nothing works, but also because he is a doctor, and the side-effect of trying to treat a doctor is a giant pain in the ass.
Recognizing his response as inherently unreasonable and illness-driven, however, can build your confidence in your own opinion to the point where you don’t have to persuade or argue. If he insists on listening to his body, you can serve some truth to his brain. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 11, 2011
Whether or not it’s more blessed to give than to receive, both activities are loaded with lots of potential punishment, particularly if you feel unworthy and/or poor to begin with. If giving is necessary to make you feel worthy, you’ll end up a good-hearted sucker, and if being given to is the only thing preventing you from living in a trailer down by the river, you’ll end up in a black-hearted rage. There’s no need to feel bad about giving or receiving if you feel proud of who you are rather than how well you’re doing. A healthy perspective is the best blessing of all.
–Dr. Lastname
My friends tell me I’m too good to my ex-wife because I always take care of her when she’s in town by giving her a place to stay, feeding her, and tending to her medical needs. Even our kids say she uses everyone, promises everything, and gives back nothing, and, after many years of marriage and an equal number divorced, I know they’re right. I argue back that it’s not smart for me to antagonize her after she’s promised me half the estate she inherited from her dad, but they tell me that she never keeps her promises and she always figures out a way to blow her money on impressing new acquaintances and going on shopping sprees. My goal is to find ways to protect myself and maybe satisfy my friends’ concerns without fighting with my ex- and maybe losing her bequest.
God bless the giving people of the earth—kindergarten teachers, foster parents, 02% of psychiatrists—but I’ve said many times that, no matter how saintly their exterior, the givers’ biggest recipient of generosity is often their immediate feelings.
Let’s face it, giving feels good (partly because it offers peace of mind to the persistently guilty), and that means it’s bad, at least under some circumstances. Giving too much, like any source of good feelings, is dangerous to you and detrimental to the object of your charity. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 1, 2011
The Bible is too black-and-white to be helpful about the necessity of brother-keeping; so sayeth the Lord, we’ll never feel like good people if we don’t care about our families. The trouble is, some relatives are dangerous or draining to be around, and we’ve got other obligations. So forget about absolute moral imperatives and develop your own rules for being a good person when responding to the needs of people you love (but have good reason not to like or trust). And so it was written.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m wondering whether I should try to do something to help my ex who I feel is spiraling into unhealthy (mentally and physically) old age (i.e., be my brother’s keeper rather than “let live”). He’s been acting weird, keeping strange pets and stranger company, and he moved to a rough part of town though he has the money to live wherever he wants. It’s like he’s having a late-life crisis. I know he’s got a bunch of medical problems and I wonder whether he’s taking care of himself. My goal is to figure out how far I should push him to get help.
Whether or not you should be your brother’s, or your ex’s, keeper is a meaningless question if you expect the answer to be yes or no. Nothing involving exes is simple (even their pets).
If you’re actually wondering how far you should go, that’s a terrific question for which there’s a good way to develop an answer of your own. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
