Posted by fxckfeelings on January 6, 2011
Names are often misleading; there are no arts or entertainment on the A&E channel, Greenland is mostly ice, and, most importantly, Therapy isn’t necessary therapeutic. Fact is, few therapies work completely or all the time, whatever kind of medical problem you have, and there are no guaranteed cures for psychiatric problems. That means there are no no-brainer decisions; all decisions require your brain, so you’re the one who must make all the tough calls. As such, you’re the one who must decide whether a therapy is therapeutic and whether, given its risks, it’s worth trying. The more responsibility you take, however, the more control you’ll experience over your choices, and the more respect you’ll command from others and yourself. If you want to see the mushy kind of therapy, you can watch it on A&E.
–Dr. Lastname
Things have been much better since my husband began therapy—he’s much less explosive and sensitive lately—which is good, because I didn’t really think we could start a family the way he was acting before. He was traumatized as a kid, and it’s made him very suspicious and touchy. I think therapy is helping him to get to the root of his problems, and that, if things continue to go well, we could actually have kids, but I’m not sure when he’ll be well enough for the time to be right. My goal is to set a goal for us.
Your husband may be happy because his relationship with his therapist has filled a deep need, or because he’s excited about a breakthrough, or because the McRib is back.
Sooner or later, however, therapy or no, life won’t be so easy, particularly if you have kids and you run into the usual kinds of medical, economic and personal kinds of bad luck that happen to most of us.
That said, don’t use your husband’s apparent happiness or serenity to decide whether he and your partnership are ready for child-rearing; what you need to know is how well his serenity stands up to stress.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 27, 2010
Maybe, on an animal level, disrespect is a challenge to our status in the herd that must be met with immediate, overwhelming attack, or we lose out. What an emotional reaction to disrespect usually results in, however, is more conflict and more power to the disrespecter. Take disrespect as a chance to see whether you measure up to your own standards and, if you do, your defense will become simple and require no huffing, puffing, or drama around the watering hole.
–Dr. Lastname
PLEASE NOTE: The next new post will be 1/3/11. Have a happy New Year’s Eve, but for our sake, an unhappy new year overall. (Not really.)
I get no respect and nothing but criticism at home, and only an idiot would stick around. My teen-age daughter complains loudly, to anyone who will listen, including holiday dinner guests, that I was never there for her, and my wife treats her as if she’s a sensitive soul who needs understanding and shouldn’t be contradicted. I think my daughter is verbally abusive, disrespectful, and embarrassing, and that my wife encourages her. As a practicing physician, I have no trouble finding respect at work; at home, I’m chopped liver. Tell me why I shouldn’t leave.
I’ll take your word that you’re a doctor, because your need for respect makes you sound more like a drug dealing thug from “The Wire.”
Disrespect might make you feel like you’re being perceived as weak, but that’s nothing compared to telling yourself, or anyone else, that criticism or disrespect is driving you out of your house.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 23, 2010
When you do something truly stupid, the punishment is twofold; first, you have the knowledge of your stupidity, and then, you have living with the results of said stupidity, or making someone you love live with your stupidity, which makes you feel guilty and makes them feel stupid for loving you in the first place. Unfortunately, stupid is an incurable part of being human—some of us have a more dominant stupid gene than others—and remorse makes it worse. If you want to get smart, begin by accepting your inner stupid and getting to know its habits. Then, maybe next time stupidity calls, you’ll have a better answer and skip the punishing results.
–Dr. Lastname
PLEASE NOTE: We will have a new post on Monday, 12/27, but we’re taking a week off after that for family’ing. If you have angst, holiday related or no, that you need to share, speak now or wait until 2011.
Every now and then my husband, who is a sweet soul and mostly very smart, does something so mind-bogglingly stupid that it puts the whole family in danger. The latest incident happened when he was hanging out at a bar after work and, deeply (into drinking and) moved by the hard luck story of the guy on the stool next to him, he offered, without asking me, to guarantee the guy’s car loan. The next thing we knew, the bank was after our savings because his ex-best-bar-buddy had stopped paying the loan and the car was nowhere to be found. I admit it, I did a lot of screaming and feel like I was a saint for not killing him, but the real goal here is, how do I prevent him from doing it again.
You’re asking a mental health clinician to help you understand and/or change your husband’s behavior. Instead, you should be talking to a lawyer.
You want to stop him from doing it again, but what you really need is to protect yourself from the sure-to-happen next time his impulsive, besotted generosity imperils the family treasury.
You probably expect me, as a mental health clinician, to support the humanistic, liberal, uplifting belief that therapy can help people can change. Sadly, you don’t need a professional of any kind to tell you what you already know: that therapy doesn’t have that kind of power WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 13, 2010
Emotional blackmail, just like the unemotional kind, can’t be fought back against easily. Normally, blackmail leaves you broke, but when it’s emotional, you’re less broke and more broken, since you end up spending all your energy caring too much about the other person’s feelings. At that point, it doesn’t matter who has the last word; you’ll wind up exhausted and distanced both from the blackmailer and who you really are. To shield yourself from blackmail, know where you stand and why you stand there. After all, if you can hold your head up, they’ve got nothing to hold against you.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband always complains that I’m neglecting him and making him worry when I do what I really like, which is hiking and swimming, because he’s an indoor sort who worries a lot and doesn’t like to be alone. Now that we’re retired and the kids are well on their way in life, we’ve got plenty of time, and I wish he’d come along, but that’s not his nature. I’m not a daredevil, but after I took a serious tumble two years ago while hiking, he forced me to promise I’d never do it alone. Actually, I like company, but the pressure of worrying about when he’s going to go off on me about my selfishness and what I put him through and my lack of respect for his feelings makes me wonder if we’d be better off apart. My goal is to reach a decision about our marriage.
Going into this marriage, you must have known that it would be hard for your “indoor worrier” spouse to find middle ground with a weekend warrior like yourself. Now you’re wondering if you should call off the search.
It’s hard to stay unemotional about choices like this, but the best way to prepare for a decision about ending a marriage is to build up your independence and re-examine any concessions that are wearing you down.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 9, 2010
There are lots of frightening things in life, and unless you want to live out your days in a panic room, freedom from fear is never an option. Besides, if we all gave up after our first major scare or humiliation, everyone would still be hiding in a high school bathroom stall. So, instead of running for cover in your nearest small space, get used to freaking out and/or fucking up and ignoring whatever dismal news or critical judgment that fear tells you is the truth. Rely on your usual, pre-fear abilities to size up dangers, emerge from your hidey-hole, and respect yourself for doing whatever you think is necessary when fear is trying to bring you down.
–Dr. Lastname
I haven’t been able to recover my confidence since my new boss screamed at me and humiliated me in front of my team. He’s an ex-Ranger who’s been known to become abusive, like the drill sergeant he used to be. The company has reprimanded him, and my job isn’t in jeopardy, but even thinking about going back to work leaves me shaking, and I’ve had nightmares, so I need to get myself back together before going back to work.
This may sound unkind; but taking time to feel traumatized won’t put food on your table.
If there were a cure for your condition, I wouldn’t say that. I’d tell you to get cured, feel better, and then get back to work. Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as canned “trauma-be-gone,” but government cheese is very real.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 22, 2010
We often have to remind readers to follow their minds, as well as their hearts or groins, when choosing a steady partner; consider whether your beloved has some stability, not whether s/he’s good looking in the face. Still, even when all the basic qualities check out, remember that some seemingly-easy-to-get-along-with people have impossible ways of dealing with shared responsibility. Unfortunately, they don’t necessarily reveal themselves until you’ve been through a few messy crises together, which is why getting-to-know-you requires patience, toughness, and good detective instincts. Plus you need a willingness to bow out if your dreams collide with a deal-breaking discovery, no matter how last minute it is, or how pretty the face of the partner.
–Dr. Lastname
PS: Yes, we’re taking Thursday off for Thanksgiving, and as always, we hope your holiday has turkey for you and material for us.
I’ve met a divorced woman who seems crazy about me, and I think she’s a little impulsive but basically a terrific person and I could easily fall for her. She checks out in almost every way; she’s nice, solid, and good with her 2 kids and makes a reasonable income running a small business. She tried hard to make her marriage work and seems to stick by her friends. The only thing that worries me is the way she recently bought a new car after telling me we would buy it together. I mean, we dropped by dealerships and discussed styles and motors; and then, suddenly, she bought one we hadn’t looked at, made all the arrangements, and ta-da, there it was. She was very apologetic and told me she’d trade it in if I didn’t like it, but the truth is, it was fine and it’s not my car and I don’t feel hurt. What shook me up is that, here we are talking every day about getting married and making decisions together, and buying a car is a pain in the ass that requires time and attention to lots of details, and she kept it a secret. My goal is to get her to understand that I’m not hurt, but I’d like to understand what happened.
At this point in a relationship, what you’d like is a re-assuring explanation that would smooth away your doubts and allow your intimacy to move on.
What you need, however, is to figure out the worst-case meaning of her behavior and decide what it means for your future together (if you have one).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 18, 2010
Relationships are supposed to include lots of sharing—trust, time, bank accounts—but when relationships hit a wall, too much sharing makes them worse. You might think that speaking the truth will make things right, but it usually makes things very, very wrong. Instead, accept the hurt and create a boundary between your hurt feelings and what you know will work out best. You’ll find yourself with better choices, less need for others to tell you that you’re OK, and an appreciation for not having to share the remote.
–Dr. Lastname
When my ex-husband and I shared a life together, we also shared a drinking problem. After a decade of marriage and 3 kids, we divorced, and I got sober. Now, another decade later, the kids are grown and they have a hard time with their dad, who still occasionally binge drinks, binge opinionates, and, as usual, sees all criticism as ingratitude and rebellion. In addition, his current partner is a nasty drunk. Now, our kids are good doobies who try to give their dad equal time, but I think they are sometimes too easily cowed by his guilt trips and seem resentful and depressed after they stay with him. I don’t believe in saying anything negative, particularly since he’s their father and a fellow drunk. My goal is to help them, if I can.
Short of being more careful with birth control when you chose to breed with a real winner, you can’t protect kids from the pain of bad parenting.
You’d like to, and, in this case, you are partly responsible. Unfortunately, it is what it is, there was love despite the lack of a glove and the results cannot be undone. Plus, any attempt to protect them from pain is likely to make it worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 15, 2010
Working hard at school usually gets you a well deserved A (and, if you’re a certain advice-giving psychiatrist, a Harvard degree). Working hard at relationships, however, never guarantees success; it doesn’t necessarily get you what you deserve, whether it’s a good mate or a better relationship with a parent. Your efforts and motivations may be pure, but too much that you don’t control is always there to get in the way. Don’t take it as a failure then if you’re lonely and have mixed feelings about going home for Thanksgiving. The biggest success, for many of us, isn’t a frequently-mentioned set of Harvard degrees, but preventing sorrow from making us do something stupid.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a 47-year-old woman who has never been married. My goal is to find out if circumstances have simply kept me from meeting a suitable partner, or if there’s something I’m doing or something about me that has kept me from finding/recognizing someone who might have been the right choice. I’m attractive, extremely bright, I have a great sense of humor, and am warm and open. I have wonderful friends of both sexes. The downside is I’ve had some serious health issues, including one chronic illness that has directly and indirectly undercut my most important career and personal goals and, to some extent, my sense of myself as the kind of person I wanted to be (accomplished and desirable). I’m under a kind of chronic stress and I don’t feel I’m living my life fully. To restate my goal, how do I figure out what, if anything, has kept me from having a successful relationship?
Don’t disrespect yourself by assuming that being single means you’ve done something wrong. If your problem finding a partner were anything obvious, like a stupid compulsion to dump good guys or an aversion to bathing, you probably would’ve figured it out at some point in the past 47 years.
Also, don’t disrespect yourself by giving illness and bad luck the power to define your self-worth. Yes, it’s nice to be healthy, rich and thin and it feels like success. Real success, however, is knowing you did your best when things turned out badly and left you hurting; it comes from pride in the effort, not pride in the outcome.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 4, 2010
Rebuilding anything, from a family post-separation to the entire Gulf coast, is an arduous, often painful process. Strong leadership goes a long way towards aiding the operation, and in the case of divorce, a leadership duo is potentially stronger and has a lot more to offer the kids. Yes, there’s pain, but if you can ignore it as you try to figure out old relationships and make new ones, you can make the repairs without losing the foundation (or wetlands) altogether.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t hate my stepbrother, but the fact is, he’s kind of a loser. He doesn’t work hard in school, he doesn’t play sports, and all he really seems to do is play video games and hang out with the stoners doing what stoners do. I take 3 AP classes and I’m on the basketball team, and I’m not saying that to brag, but because that means I’m always busy at practice or with homework (I’m trying to get a scholarship). Still, my stepfather is always asking me to do more chores in the house and help out, and never asking his own son, who doesn’t seem to be doing jack shit. I think my stepfather doesn’t like me all that much, and that, when he’s stressed, he takes it out on me, and if I tell him he’s not being fair, he gets more pissed off. My goal is to get my stepfather to see that he needs to chill and take a closer look at what he’s doing.
It’s hard, at any age, not to focus on the unfairness of authority, and it’s worse when you’re a kid, solider, or inmate. Remember, fair is the worst four letter f-word you’ll ever encounter.
The more absolute your stepfather’s power, the more you simmer when you feel his favoritism has screwed you. The trouble is, if he perceives that you’re angry and doesn’t enjoy his authority questioned, your troubles will only get worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 21, 2010
When life spins out of control, so does morale. When it feels like you’re living in a flaming, crowded theater, it’s more normal to issue dire warnings, cast blame, and look for desperate solutions. If, however, after reviewing your options realistically, you can assure yourself that you’ve done whatever it is you could do, you can retain your pride and helps others retain theirs. That won’t give you control, but it will decrease the panic and put the fires out.
–Dr. Lastname
My 25-year-old daughter barely talks to me because I’m the one who reminds her that she’s bipolar. She gets mad at me whenever I bring it up, but I’ve got to say something, because someone needs to tell her to take her medication and stay away from her drinking buddies. She’s such a good kid, and it’s awful to watch her lose control and then have everyone take advantage of her. The trouble is, I know how bad the prognosis is for her illness, and after four hospital admissions and no job held for more than a month, I fear for her. My goal is to help her and have a better relationship with her.
If you want to express negative emotions about your kid’s mental illness, tell your shrink, hairdresser, crossing-guard, whomever. Anyone but the kid herself.
Mental illness is scary and depressing, but for the parent of a mentally ill child, make like your home is on the range: never should be heard a discouraging word. Expressing negative emotions almost always makes things worse.
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