Posted by fxckfeelings on March 31, 2011
On a good day, the average person makes about 10 mistakes. Slight screw-ups are annoying, but not exactly indicative of one’s character. Major screw-ups, on the other hand, deserve some consideration; they’re the kind where you don’t mess up by doing something incorrectly, but by correctly doing something that’s wrong. When it comes to evaluating todays mistakes, it’s important to distinguish between not double checking your work and not double checking your values.
–Dr. Lastname
An email I intended to send to one person, I mistakenly sent to another. As a result, I have managed to obliterate, in one push of a button, what feels like my entire world. Yea, I know this sounds overly dramatic, but honestly, even after attempting to make things right with the people involved, things will never be right. I can’t figure out how to get over, under or through the degree of self hatred I now have for being such a complete f*ckup. I’m human, mistakes happen blah blah blah, but that’s no comfort to me since the people involved aren’t interested in any sort of apology. How do I ever forgive myself??
There’s a big difference between self-forgiveness as a feeling, and self-forgiveness as a moral judgment. After all, there’s a big difference between doing wrong and doing dumb.
Having committed a stupid but not malicious act that’s fractured relationships forever, you don’t have any reason to ask forgiveness of yourself, because you’ve committed no crime. Shazzam, you’re absolved. Dr. Lastname absolves thee! Tada!
If you don’t feel better, I’m not surprised, because your self-accusation isn’t moral, it’s chagrin over bad luck and rejection by someone you care about. Sadly, that’s proclamation proof.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 28, 2011
Despite being one of the most intense emotions in the world, love is not something you should take personally. You’re wired for it, in the deepest parts of your brain, just like penguins and meerkats. Even in the wild kingdom, the resulting attachments seem extra intense, unhappy, and/or joyful. If you need to share your tortured feelings, go ahead, but at some point, shut up and figure out how to manage the hurt. Re-stimulating the love-fixation centers in your brain by venting your feelings won’t help you control them, and, instead of mating for life, you’ll end up moaning alone in the emotional wilderness.
–Dr. Lastname
I am in love with a man who is married and has 2 children. He left his wife and family and wanted to live with me, but then I had a miscarriage and then felt I could not live with him. He has since gone back to his wife and I feel so awful.
What gets lost when you feel awful about a love gone wrong is that love often goes wrong. You didn’t beat the odds, but most people don’t. And most people weren’t as up against it as you were.
What you need to do now is remember that you had goals of your own before you fell in love. It’s your job to think about where love is likely to go, even when you’re crazed by it, so you’ll be prepared for moments like this.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 24, 2011
There are many good reasons love is often compared to delicious food, and one is that delicious food, like love, has a habit of sticking to your bones, and memory, long after the meal is done. While good food can become fat, love gone wrong curdles into regret, sadness, and/or ill will. If you don’t accept those feelings, regardless of how undesirable they are, you’re doomed to stay miserable/stuck in your fat pants. Fortunately, you aren’t what you feel, or what you eat, so you can learn to manage your love aftermath by admitting to the heartbreak, learning from the experience, and continuing your search for love while on a reasonable diet.
–Dr. Lastname
I was cut off suddenly by someone I loved 6 years ago, and it still feels like it happened yesterday. I want to move on so that I can have feelings for another person, but it just hasn’t happened. I’m afraid I will feel like this forever.
When you can’t get over being dumped, and time is healing no wounds, then check out two possible reasons. Three reasons if you have a large tattoo of your ex’s name in a highly visible place, but that’s a simpler problem to fix.
One is that your personality may have innate tendencies to hang on, or obsess, or self-blame, or do something that keeps losses from fading away. Sadly, personality isn’t something you control; if anything, it controls you.
That’s why good, smart people may find they tend to hang on to old losses, and figuring out why is often an excuse for hanging on rather than letting go. If you tend to hang on, accept that fact about yourself so you can learn to manage it (despite the past, your feelings, or your personality).
The second reason is that grief, guilt or regret may lead you to do things that keep you hanging on (like, in certain cases, therapy). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 10, 2011
Families are forever, just like diamonds and herpes, so it’s natural to want to change family relationships when they’re excruciating or failing apart. Everyone assumes that our best tools are communication and understanding; for some reason, we hold to this belief, even as repeated efforts to communicate and understand have made relationships worse. Whether a relationship is supposed to last for years or not, learn to accept it as it is. Then your plans will become more effective, but, like diamonds and herpes still, that relationship will remain hard, and there will be flare-ups.
–Dr. Lastname
My father asked me to write this letter for both of us. I was forced to move into my father’s one-room apartment and live with him after I lost my job and ran out of money (I’m 40). I’m grateful he took me in, and I’m trying to make enough money to get out on my own again. In the meantime, we’re stuck with one another, and we can’t stop fighting. I want him to understand the fact that I can’t help having a terrible temper, being very distractible, and not having the energy to clean things up because I’ve been diagnosed with depression and ADD. He wants me to understand that it’s hard to put up with my being a slob and never cleaning up and that he can’t help getting furious. We both want to put an end to the hostility.
Asking for understanding from your father is a really bad way to try to reduce hostilities, and a really good way to increase them. And no, it’s not opposite day.
Sure, he’s your dad, but let’s dispose of the notion that parent-child relationships are always supposed to be perfect, and can and must be fixed if they’re broken. Just because you share blood doesn’t mean you should share an apartment or that you can expect to get along, if you do.
As for “fixing” your relationship…well, if your father was fixed, you wouldn’t be here, and that would be the best solution to your conflict. Otherwise, you’re his son, but that doesn’t mean you should be able to get along.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 7, 2011
Some self-help experts tell us that we control our destiny! All that does is make you feel responsible for things working out in the end, which is why your automatic response when that doesn’t happen is to figure out where you went wrong while feeling like a shitty, guilty mess. The truth is most big problems can’t work out in the end, particularly when they involve illness and aging, and the only thing wrong is that we’re living in a very, very tough world. Instead of asking where you failed, be proud of what you achieved despite being destined to suffer at nature’s whim.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been very helpful and patient with my husband since he suffered brain damage after being hit by a car, but I’ve just about had it. Everyone in our families focuses on finding a new treatment for him, and we’re all happy that he’s recovered some functions and can now talk and stand up. The trouble is, I’m exhausted, I’ve got no time to go out and make a living, and he’s gotten into the habit of telling me what I’m supposed to do without a please, thank you or may I. My goal is to set him straight and let him know I can’t keep it up at this pace and that he needs to improve his tone.
Setting someone straight when he wants too much from you usually leads to a guilt fest; you make him feel guilty, he guilts you right back, and it’s a regular guiltapalooza.
You wouldn’t be knocking yourself out in the first place if you didn’t feel responsible and, yes, guilty for not doing more. Of course, you may be knocking yourself out doing things that are really, really necessary, but that’s unlikely. Guilt rarely works that way.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 28, 2011
Dealing with jerks is difficult, but being related to jerks is torture, especially when they’re the kind of jerk (genus: ASSHOLE) who thinks everyone else is a jerk but them. Luckily, no matter how closely related you are, you don’t have to share their beliefs or give them what they want. Still, you’re stuck with them, because, while maintaining a relationship sucks, the alternative is usually worse, so learn how to make the relationship no worse than it has to be. Keep your feelings to yourself, figure out your own standard of conduct, and hope the jerk gene dies with them.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve read my son’s Facebook and email (he left the stuff on the computer screen last time he visited), and he tells his friends he had a terrible childhood, and his parents are assholes. As his dad, my attitude is: Fuck him and his shit. Breaks my heart, but I paid over $100k for his school, and I’m not rich by any measure. His mother thinks we should be working to find out why we have this split. This is new since he went to college (now graduated and gainfully employed)– he’s an only child, now 25. I’d not have paid for his school if I knew what a sociopath he would become. He seems to want two separate lives, one we’re allowed to know about, and one we’re not, with the latter being where we are horrible folks and he was a poor abused kid that made his way up through some undefined poverty and difficulty. His mother and I are going to be divorced soon if we can’t resolve this. I want nothing to do with the ungrateful asshole, and she thinks I am a terrible father for not understanding he has a mental illness. He doesn’t acknowledge any problem, refuses to speak to us if there is any “drama.” In fact he wouldn’t return a call for three months. This is the only issue my wife and I have, but it is consuming us and we’re arguing continuously.
Before you get carried away reacting to your son’s blame, ingratitude, and nastiness, think of the goal you set for yourself when you decided to have a kid (assuming it wasn’t an incidental goal after “getting laid”).
Unless you’re foolish enough to believe in a father’s power to make his kid turn out right by bringing him up right, you know that bringing up kids is a crapshoot. (That’s why you should always hedge your bets by having more than one).
The only goal you can possibly set for yourself and your wife as parents is to do a good job and hope for the best. Like all parents, you probably had big dreams for him, and hey, so did Mama and Papa Gaddafi.
So you’re not alone in finding out that the kid you loved and nurtured sees you as an abuser. It’s life at its most unfair, but whether or not your spawn turns out to be a jerk just isn’t under your control.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 24, 2011
Finding a partner isn’t just a matter of compatibility; after all, the most compatible creature you’ll ever meet is the one who wants to please you the most, and there’s a reason so many Labradors are single. Compatibility isn’t just a matter of sincerity, either, since some prospective partners love you sincerely…right up until the moment they don’t, while others love you forever because they sincerely appreciate your ability to carry the relationship. Nope, finding a partner always begins with an assessment of what you really need to make your life better or accomplish something really difficult, like raising a kid, and whether someone actually has the qualities you’re looking for to go the distance. You don’t need a totally compatible mate, even if he has a snazzy bandana; you just need someone with compatible strengths and goals.
–Dr. Lastname
I am a divorced single parent of 2. It was entirely the wrong marriage, and I initiated the divorce and became happily single. I dated a bit and then met someone who rocked my world, both in positive, healthy ways, and in destructive, dysfunctional ones. Still, what we had was unprecedented for me. He was the coolest person I had ever been with, and someone who never, ever needed explanation for my weird idiosyncrasies. We went up and down and up and down on the roller coaster for almost 4 years. He told me he wanted to blend our worlds, though very different, and that we were “one” and he had my back. That was until he dumped me last summer, citing my world (read: kids, location, etc.) and his inability to accept it as the reason. I know I should feel fortunate that he did it before we married and see the relationship for what it was–a sex-filled, passionate, chemistry-laden, mad, crazy affair, and nothing more–but to me, it was more, and I’m still heartbroken and in a considerable amount of pain 10 months later. My goal: to have my head become louder than my heart. My goal is to move on and to become whole again, because my life as a fractured woman is keeping me in the cave.
There are a lot of bad things people do because they feel good—drugs, drink, consume mass quantities of pizza—that have recovery groups that help you see that the feelings don’t justify the fallout.
As we always say, if only there was a Jerk Boyfriend Anonymous.
Until such a group exists, what may help you to move on from your intensely passionate but destined-to-be-dumped relationship is to acknowledge, from the beginning, that what turns you on the most just isn’t good for you. Because the first step is admitting that you have a problem.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 17, 2011
Now that Valentine’s Day has once again come and gone, let us oppose the sentimentality that equates love with romance, good sex and a chocolate and roses assortment. In real life, relationships are a flowerless affair fraught with bad sex and bickering. True love is not pretty hearts and valentines, but what you do to stay together and show respect when you’re feeling anything but. It’s not the chocolates or the fights, but the way you move past them that matters.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband, a heterosexual, healthy 37-year-old man who loves me, does not want to have sex with me most of the time. We used to have good sex for the first year or so, but then with time it became less and less frequent, e.g., every 6-9 months. I am attractive and feel that other men find me desirable. We tried talking, seeing a sex therapist (didn’t go well, he just found the whole thing frustrating and upsetting and was angry with me for making him go). He says he doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel like having sex with me, but it deeply affects my self-esteem and our relationship. I gained some weight (20 pounds) and went from skinny to curvy over the last 10 years, and I know that it was a big(ish) issue for him. I’m currently doing good diet/exercise routine and am slowly loosing the extra pounds, but I really don’t know how much it will help. He says he finds other women attractive and would probably have sex with them if he was single, so obviously the issue is with us/me or our relationship. He also says that he loves me a lot and is faithful, but we don’t have fun anymore and that I always complain and want to have serious talks, and he’s tired of it. Overall it’s a good relationship, with some ups and downs, but we’re honest with each other and love each other very much. I would really appreciate some advice since I’m losing hope that it will ever change.
It feels good to feel attractive, sexy, rich, powerful, or whatever, but those feelings, or any feelings, don’t make a good foundation for building your self-esteem or your partnership. And they’re quicksand to a healthy marriage.
After all, you won’t always be attractive or sexy (age, weight gain/loss, a rare case of leprosy), and you may lose your riches or power (poor economy, joblessness, making “bunga bunga” with a teenager like a certain political Italian).
At that point, if you believe what your feelings tell you, you’ll be a loser, and your marriage will be worthless. It’s better to stop that kind of thinking right away and, above all, not to talk like that to your husband.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 3, 2011
Just as it’s sometimes better to be feared than loved, it’s sometimes better to be afraid than completely at ease. Yes, anxiety may push up your blood pressure, pound your pulse and punish your insides to the point where it feels like pure punishment. On the other hand, anxiety will also help you run faster, be more aware, and work harder. All these survival skills go back to the cavemen, who couldn’t kick back and feel too good, lest they end up getting snatched up and tasting good to a predator. Even now that we’ve moved from caves to condos, everybody needs a healthy dose of stress to stay alive.
–Dr. Lastname
I never used to be particularly anxious, but that’s because I could count on my wife to run the family, manage the finances, and take care of the kids while I focused on work. Then a month ago, after she announced she was having an affair and wasn’t sure that she wanted to stay together, I started to have anxiety attacks and a feeling of dread. It changed my entire outlook on my life, past, present, and future. My anxiety got worse when I started to look at our finances and discovered we’ve got loads of debt she never told me about. Now she tells me that the affair is over and she wants to make the marriage work, but the anxiety isn’t going away—this whole incident has opened up a Pandora’s box of worry that goes way beyond her cheating. My goal is to get back to the way I felt before and not wake up to this terrible feeling every morning.
If you believe every pharmaceutical ad you see on TV, you might think that anxiety is as deadly as cancer and machine guns combined.
There’s a great disconnect, however, between random anxiety attacks and the very real possibility that you might lose everything and go totally, tits-up broke.
When you let someone else do life’s worrying for you and then discover they’re not really competent, you’ve probably got a lot of past worrying to catch up on.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 10, 2011
It’s nice to be on the same page with your partner, but if you’re not, don’t assume you’ve got to get there; don’t even assume you’re reading the same book. Good partners sometimes have differences that are not going to be bridged by love, faith, or psychotherapy, but if you’re prepared to agree to disagree and can stand by your own values without requiring support, you can often continue to work together and at least share the same library.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband is a great guy and a pied piper with kids, including our own, but he’s really pissing me off because he can never say “no” when they cry, and so our parenting partnership has started to look like good cop/bad cop, and guess who gets to be the bad guy. If I try to get some quiet one-to-one time with them at bed time and he happens to be around, they cry, he comes running, and I’m chopped liver. Then I stew about the kids, but it’s not their fault, because I never get a chance to be the fun one so they don’t know me that way. I feel he never supports me and it’s driving me crazy.
As we always say, parenting, like relationships, like anything worth a damn, requires a lot of hard work. Unfortunately, your husband is leaving you with the bulk of the heavy lifting, and if you truly are a bad cop, he might need some tough love.
Of course you deserve your husband’s support when the kids need to be told “no,” or be disciplined, or abide by your perfectly good bed time plan. Maybe, if you let him know that you’re unhappy with his behavior, he’ll back off, man up, and learn how to wear the black hat in a good cause.
I assume, however, that you’re writing me because he can’t do that, and it leaves you feeling unloved and disrespected, so now you don’t so much want his support as you want to get through his thick skull.
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