Posted by fxckfeelings on December 2, 2013
There are millions of reasons that being an adolescent girl is absolutely the worst—their peers are monsters, their teachers are idiots, their crushes are never as cute as vampires—but all of these issues are made worse by the fact that nobody seems able to help them. After all, when you’re trying to help a young girl deal with hormones and bad habits, not only will a rescue attempt possibly alienate the person you’re trying to help, it may offend the people whose help you need or let them off the hook when you need them to take more responsibility. In any case, assume that, in addition to giving them love and understanding, you must also be prepared to accept limited resource and political realities. Good rescues require good management, especially when you’re helping someone during the worst time in their life.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m worried about the kind of attention my granddaughter has been getting lately and how my son and his wife are handling it. She’s a terrific girl who has always done well in school, but she started going through puberty right before junior high. Now she has a gorgeous figure and is quite excited by all the attention she’s getting without quite understanding what it means. I know her parents have explained sex to her, as if there was anything they could tell her she hasn’t seen on TV, but I don’t think she gets what boys expect of her and just seems to like the romance and secret meetings with cool kids who wouldn’t look at her before. When I bring it up with her parents, they tell me they know they can trust her and they don’t believe in infantilizing her and ruining a good relationship. My goal is to help them be more appropriately protective.
When it comes to expressing concern to someone about their child, it’s nearly impossible not to imply that something’s wrong with that someone’s parenting, the child’s behavior, or their relationship. The line between concern and criticism isn’t just razor thin, but the criticism side is filled with angry wolverines, landmines, and open sewers.
Fortunately, your view isn’t blaming, but you’re still in a precarious position addressing your granddaughter’s sexuality and appearance. Frank talks about sex never seem to cover the unique burdens of being beautiful, and an adult trying to impart wisdom to a tween about image and perception is like trying to give your father advice on how to grill meats; you can’t educate someone who’s convinced of their own expertise. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 18, 2013
There are about as many ways to describe “love” as there are ways to order coffee at Starbucks; you can love someone but not be in love with them, care about someone but not love them exactly, love someone but want someone else low-fat, etc. Family relationships are even more complicated, because sometimes a standard, easy parent-child relationship can get spoiled by a critical event that makes it hard for you to accept one another, and sometimes a clash in parent-child personality styles prevents acceptance. In any case, don’t berate yourself for what can’t be helped and don’t expect the relationship will ever be easy. If it’s important to maintain, however, there’s nothing to stop you from avoiding conflict by gritting your teeth, making nice, and keeping your irritation and disappointment to yourself. It may not be pleasant, but when you love someone but hate being around them, it’s the best option on the menu.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always taken it for granted that I get along fine with my parents because we never had any significant conflicts—they were supportive when I was little, and we always found pleasant things to do together. That’s why it’s really surprising that we’re running into problems now, when I’m in my twenties. What’s happened is that they’ve both suddenly gotten religion and become Evangelicals—maybe because my sister and I left town and their lives felt a little empty—and now, whenever we talk, they make frequent reference to Jesus and have something serious and earnest to say about almost everything. They obviously feel it’s their duty to save me, which makes it very hard to have a pleasant conversation without exercising a lot of polite tact and changing the subject. I find myself getting very irritated and, really, I’m sad that the easy relationship we used to have is gone and I can’t get it back. My goal is to find some way out of this nightmare.
Having a friend get religion is like having them marry someone you don’t like—they’re still the same person, but now hanging out is less fun and more of an exercise in torture.
After all these years, you had a right to think you knew your parents inside and out and that you were lucky enough to have a solid, easy relationship based on love and mutual acceptance. While the love is still there, the ease is no more; fundamentalist religion makes it harder for them to accept you (you’re not saved) and you to accept them (you don’t want to hear about it).
Given the fundamental nature of, well, fundamentalism, and the fact that it seems to leave you fundamentally cold, you now have to negotiate a new relationship that will take a lot more work than the one you had. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 14, 2013
Whenever someone’s bad behavior forces you to set limits, it’s like slapping a hysterical person in the face; you can’t know in advance whether they’ll thank you or hate you forever. In either case, if you do it only when necessary, nicely, and with respect, you’ll know you’ve done a good service, whether it’s appreciated or not. In the short run, you’ve offered them a target for their resentments about the world and it’ll sting them as much as it stings you, but in the long run, you’ve given them a chance to learn and grow.
–Dr. Lastname
My eighteen-year-old son is very bright and imaginative and, when he’s sweet, I feel we have a special relationship. Periodically, however, he gets frustrated with things and gets very, very nasty with me. He bullies me into doing things for him and I try to be flexible, but then if I don’t do exactly what he wants he throws a big scene and threatens to break the furniture or crash the car. After the last incident, I threw him out of the house and he went to live with his father for a few days. Now I’ve got him back, but I know it’s going to happen again sooner or later and I don’t know how to explain to him that I can’t give him everything he wants without provoking an irrational freak-out.
When you have a kid who throws dangerous freak-outs, don’t make it your top priority to avoid provoking him; a child’s tantrums are a pain to deal with at any age, but trying to permanently tiptoe around a moody teenager is just as futile and damaging as always coddling a cranky toddler. They keep having tantrums while you get progressively more insane.
Of course, you don’t want to give him a hard time, but the behavior/temper problem is his, not yours, and not only will you drive yourself crazy, you’ll fail to give him the kind of help he needs most, which is a clear set of rules that can help him manage the poorly hinged part of his personality. Tantrums may be eternal, but so are time-outs, even if they take a different form. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 7, 2013
War can teach us many lessons, and if we’ve learned anything from the major wars of our day—namely, the “Storage Wars”—it’s that there’s a time to be pushy and a time to hold back. That’s why, when you feel a strong need to influence others, be it to get them off your back or improve their own behavior, being overly aggressive is just as bad as pussyfooting around. Before you bid or bite your tongue, size up the consequences before you open your mouth, and then go forward only after you’ve done your homework and have good reason—not wishful thinking, a hunch, or a grudge—for believing that doing something pushy will do some good/lead to treasure.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish my husband didn’t try to make everyone in my family get along. My parents are divorced, and neither one of them is a terrific grandparent with our kids—they weren’t terrific parents with me and my sister, so I’m not surprised—and my husband makes a big Problem out of it, which we’re supposed to correct. He drops hints to my parents about how, when they come over, they should play with the kids more, stay longer, and pay more attention to what they say. The result is that my parents drop by less often and get even less connected to our kids, and I get an earful from my husband about what’s wrong with my parents and what can we (he means I) say to them that will make them behave better. My question is, what can I say to my husband to get him to stop.
Sadly, the Miss Piggy approach to relationships—trying to bully someone into the kind of respect and affection you think “moi” deserves—is rarely successful, even for mademoiselle Pig herself.
If your husband were more realistic about the kind of grand-parenting he can expect from his parents, he would, as you suggest, probably leave them alone. Instead, he’s letting his efforts and expectations run hog-wild. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 4, 2013
Family isn’t just the gift that keeps giving, but the constant presence that keeps taking, which is why saying “no” and setting boundaries on what they expect you to do is often hard. Sometimes, even when you believe strongly in your need and right to refuse them, guilt makes you agonize and get defensive. Other times, guilt is so strong that you’re sure you’d be wrong to say “no” and can’t even consider the consequences of what will happen if you don’t. In any case, when it comes to saying “no,” don’t wait until you’re angry, stop feeling guilty, or otherwise feel the urge. Instead, look at what happens when you don’t say it and how it affects your major obligations. Then, if you decide it’s necessary, learn how to do it short and sweet, without offering defense or explanation, and give yourself some boundaries, the best gift of them all.
–Dr. Lastname
My unhappy marriage of more than 20 years is soon to end in a divorce driven by me after a long and painful separation. When my husband left I was devastated as I felt abandoned and unable to cope on my own. This resulted in me allowing my husband to set the terms, come and go as he pleased, lie and mess around with my emotions. After two years of this he decided to stay with his girlfriend and asked for a divorce. I agreed but he took no real action. After a lot of therapy and much heartache I have rebuilt my life, found work I like, learned how to cope and have just taken an exciting holiday with my new partner while remaining on amicable terms with my ex. I live in what was the family home with one of my two adult sons and my daughter and her baby are about to move in. I have asked my ex to inform me if he wants to come round but he continues to make arrangements with our adult children at short notice or no notice at all. His girlfriend has taken a job which involves being away for the working week, which frees him up to hang around here when he wishes to spend family time. After years of turmoil I do not want to risk my hard earned independence and growing emotional detachment by getting sucked in once again. I also resent the way he expects to be welcome here when it suits and be unavailable when his demanding girlfriend is around. My goal is to set healthy boundaries for going forward. I wish to protect myself from further chaos without dividing loyalties or giving him underdog status in the eyes of our children.
If you ever thought that your flexibility about your ex-husband’s comings and goings would make him interested in returning to your marriage or, later on, negotiating a marital settlement, you now know better. All it makes it easier for him to do is raid your fridge and unsettle your mind.
He’s continued to do what he’s felt like doing, and you’ve learned how to take care of yourself and go on with your life, which you’ve done very well. Now it’s time to tell him that your life can no longer allow him unlimited access. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 28, 2013
It’s easy to disagree with a stranger—if it wasn’t, we wouldn’t have road rage, Judge Judy or the internet—but it’s both difficult and painful when you find yourself unable to find common ground with someone you love. Whenever you feel pressured by someone you love to do something you hate, whether they’re motivated by destructive needs or idealistic ones, don’t feel obliged to end the pressure by changing their minds. Instead, accept the pain of unbridgeable differences and protect yourself from unnecessary conflict. Then, when you take action, you will have the confidence and optimism of someone who does not have to explain or persuade, even if the person you can’t relate to is a relative.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always known my father can be a little weird, but he’s generally a decent guy and I know he loves my kids. The trouble is, he’s got it in his head that my wife is an evil person who has serial affairs and doesn’t really care about our kids, and that I can’t see it because she’s got me fooled. Whenever he visits, he gives her dirty looks and takes every opportunity to whisper about how insincere she looks and how badly she manages the kids and, of course, my wife picks up on it, which is what he wants. I can’t impose him on my wife, the tension is not good for the kids, and I can’t get him to see that he’s wrong, because he feels he’s on a mission from God. My goal is to find a way to persuade him to stop so that we can spend time together as a family.
If you’re a parent, you‘ve been told that it’s important that you and your spouse are in agreement and present a united front. In reality, the wish to overcome and erase disagreement, be it between parents or families in general, causes lots more trouble than disagreement itself.
Your father should know by now that, by openly expressing hostility towards your wife, he does nothing but cut himself off from both you and his grandchildren, hurting everyone and reducing whatever positive and protective influence he wants to have. He is cutting off his family to spite his fact-less assertion. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 17, 2013
Life is always unfair—kids get sick, dogs don’t live forever, the Real Housewives supply is infinite—but how you react to unfairness is what matters. Some people who are undeniable victims of hard luck never see themselves as helpless, whereas other people feel like victims because life does not always reward good moral choices with good luck. If your luck turns bad, you have a right to hurt, but never expect good luck to reward you for being a good guy. You’ll never feel like a victim if you accept bad luck as part of a shitty, unfair world, and take pride in doing what you think is right, regardless of all the illness, injustice, and Bravo starlets who are out there.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been derailed for the last three years after thinking my life was moving along perfectly well. I’d worked for 15 years at a large company, starting out as a clerk, and somehow my warm personal style and hard work—it sure wasn’t my education, because I never did well in school and did just two years of college—kept getting me promoted until I was about to be regional director. I had three sons and a husband I thought I could count on. Then, suddenly, due to what almost everyone agreed was a minor, unintentional accounting error, I was fired because I technically broke company policy and a higher-up had decided to be a hard-ass. And my husband decided, just about the same time, that I was boring and he moved out. The kids are still great, but I feel stopped in my tracks and turned upside down, not just as if I’ve lost everything, but as if life has stopped playing by the rules. I’m doing a job search, but it’s hard to get into it or really take anything that seriously, other than the kids. My goal is to get back my faith in life, because I thought I was doing everything right, but then everything went totally wrong.
If Job, the guy in the Bible story who God screwed royally, basically to make the devil look stupid, was actually a bad guy, he might have had the satisfaction of knowing that his bad luck was for a good reason (besides winning a bet with Satan).
Unfortunately for everyone, he was a good person, just as I assume you are, so all the bad things that happened to him were for no reason and left him feeling he was living in a world where rules don’t count. That’s why his decision to keep on being a good guy was so remarkable and Bible-worthy.
Until several years ago, your life worked by the rules and reaped justifiable rewards, but then life did one of its horrible little twists and you were fucked for absolutely no reason, and from several directions at once. We want a world where the bad guy always gets what he deserves in the end, which reassures us that we’ll get good results if we work hard, act nice, and play by the rules. You’re living proof that life is unfair, which is a hard burden to shoulder. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 14, 2013
In relationships, play-off series, and Breaking Bad (RIP), chemistry is as necessary as it is intangible, but it’s often as hard to gauge as it is to create. Just as you can like someone without a spark to be had, you can frequently be mad at your partner and not have it affect your basic chemistry one bit. Before deciding whether to reach out or pack up, ask yourself whether a relationship has the potential to meet your basic requirements, and if it does, try to negotiate behavioral change in a positive way. Whether it works or not, you’ll feel you did your best without screwing up your message with disappointment, hurt, or heavy losses on the field or at a meth lab.
–Dr. Lastname
When you find someone you like, the chemistry is there, you have the same values, you get along, then the problem arises when one person thinks the other one doesn’t really like them that much because they start to pull back for one reason or another. Then insecurities start to play a big part and you end up arguing over the fact that someone doesn’t want to see you as much, for whatever reason they have given. How do you then work out what’s real, the truth, whether you like each other enough or whether you’re feeling like this because it’s not actually right, not because of the excuses someone has given for not wanting to see you?
We firmly believe in the old adage that love is blind, which, in modern terms, means it can make most people a little Aspergery and blind to social cues. We call it “a touch of the ‘tism,” and it can make you particularly vulnerable during the courting process.
For example, when someone backs away after the two of you seem to have hit it off, it usually means that the other person doesn’t know how much you like him/her or doesn’t realize how much you have to offer, due to a little ’tism of his/her own.
On the other hand, it could indicate some ’tism on your own part. After all, there’s a risk to reaching out that goes beyond a fear of rejection and comes from the fact that people often draw back for good reason. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 23, 2013
Usually, we hear about the kind of Assholes™ that provoke deep fear and hatred, but, for reasons unknown, they often bind others to them with equally intense love. What can free you from this bond(age), over time, is not your ability to get even, get closure, or get your feelings out, but to keep yourself moving towards what you think is right until you finally have a life that is open to good people. As we always say, when there’s an Asshole™ in your life, expect a world of shit—but not one you have to live in forever.
–Dr. Lastname
I had been married for almost thirty years and over two years ago divorced my husband. The marriage had been physically and emotionally abusive. I have never been able to talk to my husband about the way I feel because I never knew what reaction I would get. All major decisions were made by him because he knew what was best. Early on in our marriage we bought a house but were evicted because of non-payment of mortgage. I had no idea what was going on but suspected that we were in financial trouble. It seems my husband wanted a particular lifestyle but didn’t have the money to sustain it. I work full-time and I felt I was playing a part in funding said new lifestyle. I watched him isolate me from this aspect of his life. There were many times I came home from work and barely a word was spoken between us. I resented it hugely and still do. We continued plodding along and every day we both grew unhappier. After a while I found out he was seeing another woman– he insisted they were friends, but he had to leave the marital home anyway because we were fighting and he was forced to leave by the police. Since the divorce there has been sporadic contact, more so this past year. On occasion I have gone out for a drink with him, but I cannot understand why I do this. Quite recently we went for a trip together, but when we got back he didn’t contact me for a month. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him. How do I stop this destructive behavior? I hate to hurt people and I’m always trying to please others before myself. I don’t want to hurt my ex-husband, but I feel I can’t say no to him and I do actually feel sorry for him. I don’t love him because he has been an out and out pig towards me. I feel incredibly hurt by his behavior towards me. I am so confused.
Sadly, according to the laws of emotional gravity, some people with little self-regard are like satellites that can be trapped by a more emotionally massive person. Regardless of how badly or unfairly they’re treated or how angry they feel, they can’t imagine disagreeing confidently or walking away and out of their pull.
Like children with abusive parents (which many of them were), they don’t feel they have the authority or power to judge, declare their independence, or leave. The intense need of a child for a parent keeps them enslaved, angry, and bound. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 15, 2013
As feelings go, envy is an amazing two-fer—by hating others for having what you want and yourself for wanting it, you accomplish twice the useless negativity in half the time. Luckily, we’re here to remind you that feeling envious and like a loser seldom has anything to do with being a loser, just that you’re down on yourself for failing to perform, or are flooded with memories of all the times you came up short. So don’t let envious loser feelings have very real, negative effect on relationships, beginning with the one you have with yourself. Until someone finds a cure for that evil/efficient feeling—and better performance isn’t usually the answer—you need to remember what you value, other than high performance, so that your feelings of being a loser can never persuade you that you are one.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m going through one of my regular bouts of deep unhappiness, and there is a common cause to each bout—I am useless at everything. The problem is made worse because I have a partner who is so talented and brilliant at everything that I want to be talented and brilliant at. We do the same work (same company) and his feedback from clients is fantastic. He has a huge and positive impact on people generally. He also likes to write and is better at that than me. So I feel rather pathetic and that I have no strengths or skills or talents. It’s always been this way (since my teens—I am now verging on middle age!) only now I have a mirror reflecting back all the things I want to be and yet lack. I’m not sure how to get beyond this enduring sense of being a rather worthless human being.
Envy is a tough feeling to live with, particularly for those who are both particularly envious and ambitions. For them envy is like carbs; if it isn’t turned into fuel, pushing them forward, it clings to them and weighs them down.
Given that few envious people actually get to surround themselves with people who have less than they do, those not propelled by envy feel as trapped as someone in skinny jeans at Thanksgiving dinner, seldom able to escape or satisfy their misery-making feelings. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
