Posted by fxckfeelings on September 22, 2011
No matter how many times we say that no love is so powerful that it should render one powerless, we keep getting emails about broken hearts, broken promises, and the resulting broken lives. When love pushes you to fuck up your life and/or someone else’s, it’s your choice to either fight to stay in control or say, well, love is all you want, so whatever happens must be worthwhile. You might be in love, but you’re not without choices. And if/when you make the wrong choice, you can always choose to write us.
–Dr. Lastname
When my son was born 30 years ago, I met two other moms and we became friends. Although with partners, we shared the same interests and our kids got along well, and we spent the next years as very good friends doing lots of things together and with the children-one of those friends even married my brother (one son and three years later, they divorced). At the same time, I met a new partner (I was now separated from my son’s father), and we spent the next 27 years having a very on-off relationship. It’s difficult to sum up all those years but I think I can say that I probably cried through most of it! I should have left, I didn’t, he wasn’t committed, I was, I wanted a family life, he didn’t. I’m not perfect and I didn’t always behave well. Five years ago he had a son by another, not partner, woman and when that didn’t work out he and I got together again. Then last year, I invited my friend/ex sister-in-law to lunch with us, and they got together. The shock was immense … and it’s not so much the loss of either but this terrible feeling that I have been used as a sort of dating service by my friend and I just can’t get rid of this feeling of betrayal. It’s now a year on and I haven’t seen them since, and the emotional hurt is a lot less– I have done lots of new things, made new friends, and life is rosier, but I have this constant anxiety that this friend is going to take someone else from me – my sister? my other brother? and, worst of all, I have this strange fear that it will be my son. I would like to be happy for my ex and my friend, but I can’t. I protect myself by staying away but I have this huge sense of loss that I have lost this whole part of my life. I need to let go of this underlying anxiety that I am going to lose someone to her again.
When it comes to kids, we expect parents not to expose them to unnecessary rejections and losses from adults they’ll get attached to, who will then go away. When it comes to how parents protect their own hearts, however, the same standards don’t seem to apply, even though, as your experience shows, they really should.
Yes, I understand, you’ve loved a guy for 27 years, but it was always off-and-on, causing you intermittent heartache and wasting your opportunity for something better. You wouldn’t have needed a shrink, psychic, or your average plumber to predict a sad end to all you invested in him and his family.
That doesn’t mean your love was meaningless or less than real. It was powerful, at least for you. Like a good mother, however, your job is to protect yourself from real attachments that can’t work, and you haven’t done that. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 19, 2011
The purpose of life is not to be found in human connectedness, or at least not the kind that arises from the instant sharing of feelings, food, and/or bodily fluids. RomComs, pop songs and almost every advice source might tell you otherwise, but there’s no reason for people who don’t connect easily to feel or be excluded from the human race. Whether you’re attachment-impaired or dealing with someone who doesn’t know a relationship from a turnip, your job is to build relationships according to your own standards, in your own way. Even if you don’t share, you can still care.
–Dr. Lastname
Even in my 40s, I carry a lot of baggage/resentment from my upbringing. I was born in a foreign country and adopted by an older couple who had already raised two of their own kids before deciding to adopt. They were worn out, emotionally distant–my Mother suffered severe depression—so it was a quiet, lonely, and undirected childhood. I’ve since created what most days feels like a good life but working in a very competitive field, I feel like it can all be taken away from me in a flash (and, like most people since the economy collapsed, I’ve been laid off a number of times). I’ve always managed to find work, but I can’t help but think my shy and quiet demeanor has a lot to do with ending up on the chopping block; slipping through the cracks has been the recurring theme of my life. On some level I know I suffer from attachment disorder–connecting with others has always been a challenge and making idle chit-chat with co-workers and “bragging” about my accomplishments takes extreme effort—but moving forward I’d like to feel more connected to people I work with and form stronger relationships and friendships in my life. I think it would be good for my career and my overall being. How do I make that happen?
Before plumbing your personal history for the cause of your isolation, examining its impact on your resume, or trying to increase your degree of connectedness to other people, there’s a much simpler first step—asking yourself why you’re doing all this in the first place.
You’re not saying you’re lonely or that you wish to be closer to a particular friend or family member, just that, if you were more connected to others in a general, categorical way, you would be less disposable and less easily fired. That may be true.
On the other hand, you’re also saying that your lack of connectedness, like your mother’s lack of connection with you, represents a kind of failure that makes life less meaningful. That’s just plain false. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 29, 2011
The mistake most people make when they want to improve someone they love (or even themselves) is to share their unfiltered, unabridged negative feelings as a source of motivation. They’re right, of course, it is a powerful source of motivation—to avoid you and your criticism like the plague. When you want to make someone better, keep the negativity in check while you urge someone, often yourself, to think reasonably about what will work out better. Being close to someone doesn’t give you the right to unload; be a sibling second, an amateur shrink first.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always been close to my younger brother but I kept quiet about my objections to the woman he married, although she sure came with baggage—a mean ex-husband and 2 unhappy kids. Recently, however, it turned out that the mean ex-husband wasn’t entirely wrong, and she is indeed self-centered, bossy, and nasty and shows very little respect to my brother or, in one memorable episode, our parents. When she cussed out my mother, I’d had enough, and let him know I thought she’d gone too far. Since then, as you might guess, my brother has not been eager to talk to me and certainly doesn’t want to talk about his marriage, even though my main feelings for him are positive and protective. I would do anything to get him to seek help, since he won’t talk to anyone in the family, but I don’t know how to get through to him. So how can I get him to talk to someone?
There’s a common notion that shrinks are good at getting through to loved ones who won’t listen to anyone else; that a psychiatrist can double as a spiritual Sherpa, able to guide the stubborn up Mount Issues to the Summit of Personal Insight.
What people forget is that shrinks aren’t Sherpas, we’re strangers—we lack facts and a vivid, first-hand impression about whatever the rotten thing is that they should be advised against—and there’s no reason to believe a stranger can succeed where a sibling can’t.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 15, 2011
If you’re going to get into a fist fight, you should certainly size up your opponent before you take the first swing. The same is true for verbal arguments, especially when they’re with those close to you; you may feel entitled to lay into your spouse/sibling with blow after blow of invective, but if s/he fights dirty, or if you turn out to be outnumbered, you’re better off putting your dukes down, or, even better, rejecting the brawl all together. After all, you have a choice beyond standing up or shutting up; if you believe that you’ve done no wrong, then you have the power to shut it down.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know if my goal is to be less critical of my husband, or for my husband to be less sensitive to criticism. Here’s an example: the other day, he almost ran out of gas when we were on a trip together, so I asked him why he didn’t just stop when he had the chance, and he said it’s because I said I was in a hurry and made him tense, and that I always distract him and get him to make mistakes. In other words, his mistake became my fault. Then I stopped talking, and he accused me of giving him the silent treatment and being unwilling to talk things out, but really, if I’d opened my mouth I would have let him have it, and he probably would’ve crashed the car in a rage and blamed me for distracting him. So you tell me if there’s a better goal than just shutting the fuck up and keeping my distance.
If only there was a service, or maybe just an app, that could determine which spouse had the nastier tone of voice in a marital dispute, because in marriage, it’s so often not what you say, but how you say it. That’s why men are always encouraged to just keep their mouths shut and let the roses or diamonds do the talking.
What you’re really asking, however, is not whether you were right to be annoyed or wrong to criticize your husband, but whether his negative response justifies your distancing yourself.
In other words, you can’t decide whether withdrawal is necessary, or if you’re just sulking. So it’s not what or how he says it, but what or how (or if) you should say something back.
The answer isn’t to submit your argument to the court of internet psychiatric opinion, but to decide for yourself when it’s right to withdraw, whether or not you’re angry and/or hurt. Some people would say that the only way to get through a marital argument is to share your feelings, try to solve the problem, and never go to bed angry. I would bet money those people are single. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 18, 2011
People who need people aren’t necessarily the luckiest people in the world (although therapists can count themselves lucky for the business they provide). Just because you need someone or something s/he represents doesn’t mean you wish them well or have the chemistry to be good friends, especially if you’ve latched onto a jerk. Sure, crushes can sometimes be satisfied, but only if you get very good at keeping them from controlling you or influencing the way you make decisions about the important people in your life. After all, one isn’t the loneliest number, and it doesn’t always take two, so sometimes people who think they need people are perfectly fine all alone.
–Dr. Lastname
I have been in therapy for 8 years, sometimes weekly, sometimes monthly or less, depending on life events and finances. My goal has always been to find some peace or grace in being me. I told this psychiatrist the first time I met with her that I “pattern like a duck,” meaning that I form strong and sometimes obsessive attachments. My attachment to her started that day and, this many years later, is still fierce and often painful. She is appropriately nonjudgmental and vacillates between thinking that the work for us is in this attachment and suspecting it’s a form of resistance. I can’t seem to focus on anything else for more than a couple sessions. I have read (obsessively) about attachments in therapy..,either to luxuriate in my own, or to get some understanding of what it is that has a hold of me and what it would take to get past it. Am I supposed to “work through it”? What does that look like? Am I supposed to ignore it? The only positive thing about this unspecified longing for her is that I have attached less to other “marks” during this time. Otherwise, I feel stuck. I think about just leaving therapy to get some distance from her and this dynamic, but I would rather just get over it. HELP (and thank you).
If you approach therapy with the goal of finding “some peace or grace in being me,” you’re in for a long, dependent journey with your therapist, mainly because, with a goal as loose as that, your journey has no real end.
This is the point, of course, where we say your goal is actually a wish, an ambiguous feeling not necessarily connected with your priorities or values. It’s a nice notion, but it’s not necessarily something you can control, and not something tangible enough for your therapist–or this therapist—to help you figure out. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 13, 2011
Very often, love gives you tough decisions and charming clichés. For example, better an old man’s darling than a young man’s fool. Or, to make one up, better a fascinating man’s lover than a dull man’s one-and-only. These days, the dilemmas apply equally to men and women, but the answer is the same. Accept the facts of age, character and biology before making your decision, remember that love doesn’t change people, you can’t get all that want, and clichés exist for a reason.
–Dr. Lastname
Is infidelity a sign of some problem in a relationship or just a natural and inevitable part of relationships? I feel it as a betrayal and my partner feels it has nothing to do with us and has no effect on our relationship. Is it possible to have a relationship between two people who feel differently about this issue?
There’s not much point in having a partner if you can’t count on him (and we’ll assume it’s a him); what doesn’t work for cops doesn’t work for civilians, either. First, however, you gotta figure out what you want to count on him for.
There are partners—admittedly, they’re rare—who have compulsively wandering weenuses but are reliable when it comes to covering the kids, the bank account, and your back. They won’t keep secrets from you, other than the tales of their penis’s travels.
It may be humiliating to be married to a guy like that, but the lifestyle and dinner table conversation may be worth it, particularly if he’s rich and famous. It’s fun to be king, and fun to hang out with him (at least until the press catches on to his shenanigans).
At least you know, from what they do, that it’s not personal. Your partner, for instance, is telling you that he is who he is, not that you’re not lovable. For you, relationships include monogamy, and for him, they don’t, no matter whom he’s partnering with.
So, as usual, the person you really need to consult is yourself. You want to know whether your heart can stand the strain, not to mention the ability of the rest of your body to fend off STDs. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 6, 2011
The reason that high school movies will never go out of style is that a large part of our compass of self-definition, the one that tells us whether we’re doing a good job and adjusting satisfactorily, is magnetically driven by the people we see, socialize, and suffer with every day. Thankfully, real life comes with graduation, and, if you’re lucky, the ability to escape the judgment of peers and make your own evaluations. If you really miss high school that much, skip the critical contemporaries and go straight to John Hughes.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m feeling a little lost. For most of my life, I’ve been an excellent student. I made As and Bs with minimal effort. Seriously, I’d just show up to class, take a few notes, and get an A. I didn’t really have to try. It just happened. The past two years, however, it seems like I’ve been sinking further and further into a hole that’s gotten so deep, I can’t even see where I fell in. I have difficulty motivating myself to get out of bed 90% of the time. When I used to be able to pen an excellent paper in a few hours’ time, I find myself now staring at a blank Word document with nothing but a header for weeks. My GPA has plummeted from fantastic (not stellar, but it would’ve done well enough) to abysmal. The only thing keeping me from dropping out of college entirely is the fact that I know I’d have nothing else at all to live for. My family already thinks I’m a failure, because I haven’t graduated yet. The past two years has put me painfully behind schedule. I’m thoroughly unhappy, and I honestly don’t know how the hell to stop it. I need help figuring out what the hell I need to do to get out of this hole.
Pretend you’ve just been told you have a fatal disease. Suddenly, your GPA and the opinions it inspires in your family and friends probably matter a lot less, no?
When you’re in workplaces, families and/or schools, they seem to be the whole universe and your place in them seems to define who you are. The best thing about being cast out, or even just moving on, is that you gain an opportunity to define your worth more independently, in terms of your values and efforts, instead of what people thought of your performance.
Right now, your grades and your family are telling you you’re a failure, but they don’t deserve to have the last word. You have obstacles you can’t control, and you have good qualities not currently recognized in your limited universe.
It’s time to reassess not just what’s wrong, but how it’s wrong, for whom, and how much is really in your power.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 2, 2011
Oh, people—can’t live with them smothering you, can’t live without them at least giving you the time of day. Unfortunately, nobody, including you, can give everybody the amount of attention they desire or deserve, so somebody’s bound to feel stung. If you treat your friendship like a precious resource, giving to those who can make the best use of it and withholding when the difference it makes is negative or none, then you’ll know you’re doing a good job, even if those pesky people don’t agree.
–Dr. Lastname
My best friend drives me crazy and doesn’t give me room to breathe. She calls every night and wants to talk for at least half an hour, even when there’s nothing to talk about, but we’re adults, not high school kids. I work full-time and get home late, so she doesn’t expect us to get together during the week, but if I don’t want to see her on Saturday or Sunday she wants to know what I’m doing and acts hurt if I could have been doing it with her. We’re both over 40 and don’t get asked out much, but I’d like to develop a wider group of friends. Instead, I feel like I’m always on the defensive. The more irritated I get, the more careful I have to be about what I say, which just makes me sound more defensive. I’m trapped. My goal is to be myself with her.
Even though your friend sounds like the emotional Ike Turner, I’m sure she isn’t all bad; she might be good at offering support, or fun to hang out with, or talented with a guitar.
On the other hand, your friend is clingy by nature, over 21 and, if she hasn’t responded to comments about her clinginess so far, incapable of getting it. Remember, no matter how much she sounds like a jealous spouse, you and your friend aren’t married. It’s OK to ask yourself how much time you want to spend together, not just what’s best for Ike.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 26, 2011
People like to call one another on bad behavior, and, thanks to the likes of Oprah, think that such acts of “openness” are a good idea. What they’re forgetting is that most badly behaved adults want to behave that way, have their own reasons for thinking it’s OK, and are ready to behave even worse if confronted, threatened, or attacked. If you want to continue and/or improve your relationship with a badly behaved person, don’t give him/her an earful s/he doesn’t want to hear. Offer a proposal for a better way of behaving, your plan for making it worthwhile, and your intentions in case it’s declined. You can’t whip anyone into shape, but you may persuade someone to develop better manners, for their own reasons, on their own terms, in a now Oprah-free universe.
–Dr. Lastname
My crazy ex-wife’s bitterness and sabotage blocked me from seeing our son, but when he got to college and out of her grasp, I hoped that 20 years of patience was paying off and I could finally begin to revive a long interrupted relationship. I’ve tried to show how much I love him and want to help him, and I’ve looked for opportunities to give him gifts and take him on vacations. The trouble is, I’m beginning to feel that all he wants me for is money and that, otherwise, he either doesn’t care or is angry and suspicious. He asks for things, says thanks, and then disappears until he needs something else. If I ask him why he hasn’t been answering my calls, he gets huffy. My goal is to let him know that I won’t put up with that crap and try to make the relationship work the way it should.
The main barrier to a good relationship between you and your son isn’t your ex and all the lost years, but the fact that, according to your son, it’s your problem to fix, not his.
After all, whether you like/deserve it or not, you have a needy and untrustworthy rep, and at this point, you don’t know if it’s because he’s brainwashed, oblivious, or a jerk.
Time will tell, and the best way to make the best of what’s there, be it a good kid with bad ideas or a bad kid with bad ideas, is to keep your expectations low, your feelings to yourself, and your needs in check.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 12, 2011
Speaking without thinking first is like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates– stupid (plus, you never know what you’re going to get). When emotion wins out over thought, people either feel compelled to tell the truth and other times they feel compelled to lie, and it doesn’t usually help to figure out why since the speaking didn’t give it much consideration in the first place. In order to avoid saying something true or untrue that you’ll regret, it’s important is to give yourself the time to figure out what you believe is best to say, according to your own ideas of right and wrong, and what will probably happen next. You’re only obligated to tell the truth if you’re under oath; otherwise, your obligation is to yourself, your values, and your need to change the subject.
–Dr. Lastname
As a middle manager, I’ve always been interested in ideas about good management, so when the new senior managers at my company asked for suggestions, I gave them an honest response and suggested they cultivate a culture that encourages less overwork and more creativity. It was no secret that I thought they were pushing people too hard and burning them out, which was not the way things used to be at the company. Well, things have been frosty since, so I want to know how to tell the truth without getting into trouble.
I assume you’re not working at a truth-factory. Hence, it’s not your job to tell the truth.
Instead, your job, like anyone’s job, is to do a good day’s work and make a living. Unfortunately, telling the truth is not compatible with that goal.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
