Posted by fxckfeelings on July 28, 2014
Tough love is always a tricky option; it’s never clear when it’s appropriate, if it’s ever appropriate, or when you’re so fed up that you’ve actually crossed the line into “easy dislike.” This is especially true when you can’t seem to get through to a troubled loved one and aren’t sure whether you need to do more or “toughen up” and do less. Instead of letting fear or frustration control your involvement, ask yourself what prevents him or her from getting help, then try different strategies, and observe what happens. Sometimes more is more and sometimes more is less, but you can be sure, no matter how helpful you can be, that you’re doing your best with what in unquestionably a tough situation.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: After this Thursday, we are taking time off to finish our book and won’t have a new post until 9/4. Please have a fun and problematic August, and we’ll be back to help in September.
My brother is sinking into an economic mess and he won’t let me help him. He’s a good guy who’s worked for years at the kind of manufacturing jobs that are now being shipped overseas, and his last position was just eliminated. I’m good at managing problems like this and discussed his options—selling his place, cutting back on expenses, getting employment counseling—but he doesn’t follow through, or even seem to pay attention. Sometimes I think he’s got some brain issues or something, because he invited me over to dinner recently and when I showed up he was asleep on the couch after eating fast food. He’s depressed, but he can laugh and enjoy himself, so it’s more that he spaces out whenever he has to do something complicated. My goal is to get him to get moving before he goes deep into debt and can’t pay his bills.
Some people don’t respond to good advice because they’re stubborn or lazy, while others appear stubborn or lazy because their brains are failing to process information normally. There’s a big difference between having a damaged personality and a damaged brain.
The fact that your brother forgot he invited you to dinner suggests he’s having trouble with attention and maybe memory. The bad news is that he might have some serious cognitive issues, but the good news is that, with a little time and effort, you might be able to help him with his financial situation after all. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 24, 2014
All of us suffer from a Cassandra complex at one time or another, where we see something so clearly—from how your brother will regret eating that gas station sushi to why your wife will wish she’d never paid for a year of intensive aerial Pilates up front—but can’t get anyone to heed our vision. Sometimes you can see a disaster looming because people are too angry and agitated, and sometimes it’s because they’re complacent and don’t give a damn. In either case, before you try to sound the alarm, give thought to the reasons for their feelings and the probable impact of your attempts to warn them so that your attempts to change opinions don’t accidentally cement them. Provide wise counsel if you can, but don’t expect anyone to listen until events, even painful sushi-related ones, put them in a more receptive state of mind.
–Dr. Lastname
As long as I avoid certain (mostly political, mostly right wing) topics, I get along with my in-laws pretty well. The problem is that such topics sometimes become unavoidable, usually when they get really wound up about a specific current event, and right now, they’re very vocal about being rabidly pro-Israel. I’m Jewish (they aren’t), so they assume I feel the same way as them and shower me with links and e-mail forwards that are nothing short of anti-Palestinian propaganda, but I don’t agree with them necessarily, and that kind of thing makes my skin crawl. They see the issue as black and white, and let’s just say I just see it as complicated, infuriating and heartbreaking, and their warmongering just angers and depresses me. I want to find a way to respond to them that gets them to see how damaging and foolish their angry rhetoric is, or to at least find some consensus in getting them to agree that killing isn’t answering anything. My goal is to get my in-laws to drop the subject in an enlightening, non-provocative way, even if I can’t change their minds.
One reason it’s hard to stop angry war rhetoric, particularly if it comes from nice people who aren’t particularly angry in non-political situations, is that they feel that aggressive action is necessary to prevent or overcome a dangerous threat. From annoying e-mail forwards to amassing an arsenal, fear rarely leads to thoughtful, positive action.
So if you suggest that your in-laws are advocating useless conflict with and killing of Palestinians, you’re questioning their morality at a time that they’re calling for moral sacrifice. You’re not just spilling blood in front of a shark, but a shark who thinks he’s being chased by a kraken. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 21, 2014
Despite what the Ramones (R.I.P.) once declared, most people do not want to be sedated, especially if it’s for reasons involving “going loco.” Some people can’t think about psychiatric hospital admission as other than a form of kidnapping, and others as a failure that should never have happened if they took proper care of themselves. In reality, it’s good to think about psychiatric admission as something that can happen again regardless of how well you take care of yourself, and will rarely happen for reasons that you won’t ultimately agree with. The more you accept the possibility of hospital commitment and consider your own views about what makes hospitalization necessary, the more skilled you’ll be at managing the situation if it occurs again, even if it’s something you’re never going to wanna do.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve got depression that is usually controlled well by medication, but I had one bad episode three years ago when I got really down, couldn’t leave the house for a month, and was on track to starve myself to death. My parents were right to pull me out and take me to the hospital, but it was a horrible experience; there were some scary, sick people there, and staying there was traumatizing. Now my shrink wants me to put together a crisis plan that will tell my parents how to decide when they should take me to the hospital, if it ever becomes necessary again—a sort of “advance directive”—and I’m trying to figure out how to make sure that I don’t have to go back unless it’s really, really necessary. The last thing I want is to visit an emergency room where they like to lock people up, so I end up trapped in the nightmare ward again. My goal is to figure out how to minimize the possibility that I will get admitted again.
As traumatic as it felt to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital, you are familiar with the bigger trauma that you would have experienced if you weren’t admitted. The scary people you say in the psych ward were probably fairies and pussycats compared to the hellscape that your own home had become.
You know how painful your depression was, how it interrupted everything important in your life, including work, relationships and your ability to care for yourself, and how it endangered your health and your life. That’s the trauma it’s now your job to manage, and avoiding the job because you’d like to avoid the hospital is a foolish move. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 17, 2014
No matter what drew you to your current job—having to pay rent, wanting to fulfill a lifelong passion, being forced step up where no one else can or will—you do the work because it’s got to be done, and if it didn’t, it would be called play. That doesn’t mean, however, that you can’t refuse to do work that you believe is not required, or that feeling underappreciated and overworked is always a good excuse to take a break. Instead of reacting to the pressure of your job, be objective in examining your job description. Then, whether you have to say no to someone who expects too much of you or deny your own wounded feelings, you’ll know you got the job done right.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a photographer, so when my father asked me to take some portraits of a cousin and her husband as an anniversary present, I was happy to contribute. I went all out for them, and they seemed to really enjoy the results. Unfortunately, they enjoyed them so much that my cousin asked me to do more pictures, this time with their kids and grandkids, with the assumption that the next session would also be free. I tried to explain to her that I’d be losing too much money if I did another session—not just on rentals, but on my time—but she just took it as a personal offense, like I was breaking a promise to her and to my father. I’ve done everything I can to explain my position, but she won’t believe me, and while my dad seems to understand, he’s still pretty upset. My goal is to resolve this issue and get her to see that I’m not a liar, just someone who needs to make a living.
Whenever you have a dissatisfied client or customer, never tell yourself that the customer is always right. If your services are in demand, you’re going to meet many customers, and some of them, even if you’re related to them, are bound to be Assholes™.
An Asshole™ customer is rarely right because they’re rarely happy; no matter what you do, you’re dealing with someone who has inflated expectations and no sense of their own responsibilities or obligations. You cannot do right by someone who cannot be pleased. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 23, 2014
Of all the instinctual emotions the deserve to be second guessed—i.e., lust, hunger, blind cooperation with the statement, “holy shit, this milk must be a decade old, smell it!”—fear deserves the most examination and contemplation before fully giving in. That’s because sometimes we feel very threatened when we’re actually stronger than we think, and sometimes the threat is, indeed, immense, but we’ve done much more to fight it than we recognize. Whenever you’re threatened, don’t let anxiety tell you that you’re helpless and have done nothing worthwhile. Assess your actual options and accomplishments before you let anxiety control your choices or self-respect. In other words, think before you jump (or get a nose-full of bad dairy).
–Dr. Lastname
I’m afraid my father-in-law is going to destroy my marriage. He gets insulted over nothing, and holds grudges forever, so spending time with him is torture. My wife has no trouble admitting her father is like that, and while she doesn’t exactly take his side, she wants to maintain some kind of relationship with him. I want to keep him away from our home and kids completely because he makes me very nervous—it’s already hard enough to take care of them while also trying to manage my business—but she won’t cut him off. My goal is to protect my family without letting him break up my marriage.
Your father-in-law sounds like the kind of Asshole™ who would make anyone nervous; very quick to anger, slower to get over it, and never to stop blaming are the ultimate Asshole™ trifecta.
It’s understandable that he makes you so nervous and uncomfortable that your first instinct is to ban him from your house (or, ideally, shoot him into outer space), but your first instinct isn’t always your logical best choice. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 12, 2014
There are many moments in life when we wish we had telepathic powers, and while some occur during Presidential debates or doctor visits when you’re getting test results, most are inspired by the challenges of relationships. Mind-reading feels most useful when you either can’t do anything to make your spouse happy or can’t blink without setting them off, but if your first concern is just to repair your relationship, you will wind up taking too little or too much responsibility for whatever they’re mad about. Before trying to make up, measure your responsibility for their grievance by your own values. If you can read your own mind, then you’ll know whether it’s you who needs to improve, or your partner’s temper, with no special powers necessary.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know why my partner won’t let me make amends. I’m crazy about him, and I really didn’t mean to start drinking again, but I got very depressed because I have depressive episodes from time to time, and drank to relax. Now I’m dried out, back to normal, and I’m trying to do everything I can to make it up to him, but the nicer I am, the madder he gets. He says I should go to AA meetings and get a plan for my life that includes what I’m going to do the next time I get depressed and/or drunk. I just want to get back to living life, finding a job, and being close the way we used to be. If he keeps on hammering me for being loving and attentive, though, I don’t see how I can keep from getting depressed and drunk again. My goal is to get our relationship back.
The reason your partner isn’t reacting well is because trying to assuage his particular issues with affection and remorse is like trying to help a hungry person by giving him a blanket. Your partner will feel better if he knows that you’re serious about staying sober, and just like you can’t eat an afghan, you can’t say you’re focusing on sobriety with flowers.
He knows you love him, but that didn’t stop you from drinking and it won’t stop you, in the future, from getting stressed and drinking again. You write as if it’s all behind you, but since he believes, with good reason, that it’s never behind you, he worries more when you appear to worry less. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 9, 2014
Whether you’re humiliated by excess praise or criticism, too much attention for one’s deeds, be it positive or negative, can make you feel fake and, worst of all, stuck in a world where good deeds get punished. Instead of trying to make sense of this classic disconnect, accept the stupid way life has of making innocent, hardworking people miserable. Then continue, as before, to work hard for what you believe in while ignoring pain that often comes to those whose achievements are special and need for recognition isn’t.
–Dr. Lastname
A year ago, I was named by a hospital journal as an outstanding up-and-coming oncologist, and now my name is synonymous with accusations of malpractice. I didn’t do anything wrong, but I made the mistake of pissing off a couple crazy nurses, having bad luck in the operating room, and being unfriendly with reporters. I won’t get convicted, but my reputation is shot, I’ve got no patients and huge legal bills, and most of my so-called friends don’t answer my calls. I can’t get out of bed and, when I’m up, I can’t focus on getting anything done. My goal is to figure out how to get my life back.
Being a star physician isn’t much different from being a celebrity; praise and attention make you feel like you’ve made the right career choices and are good at what you do. Unfortunately, power attracts its own special kind of bad luck, and now you’re the medical world’s Justin Bieber.
When you’re up and coming, people seem ready to ignore your faults and exaggerate your virtues. After a while, however, you become one of the powers that be, which people like to tear down. You might be more talented and less racist than Le Biebs, but your trajectory is identical. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 2, 2014
For people with mood disorders, one of the most dangerous moods is the one for love, because a steady relationship often seems like the reward for getting rid of mood swings or the free pass to feeling better about yourself. The problem, of course, is that it’s much easier to find the kind of love that will make your disorder worse than it is to find something that will last and survive real life problems, including your moods. So don’t hunt for love as a feel-good prize or cure. Instead, accept the fact that it’s a job that takes patience and discipline and, fortunately, can be done even when your mood sucks.
–Dr. Lastname
I used to enjoy being a party girl and having random hook-ups, but since I got sober a year ago, I gave all that up and my life is a lot better. I’m not having big mood swings, I’m working steadily, and I finally feel ready for a serious relationship with someone I really like and respect. Even though I’m sure I’m ready now and excited to find Mr. Right, I get really nervous around guys and never find ones that seem like good choices. My goal is to find a real relationship, because I’m great at meeting people and my mood is a lot steadier, and so I don’t understand why it’s not easier.
Doing a series of shorter road races might be the right way to train for a marathon, but having a series of brief, anonymous sexual encounters is not the best way to prepare for monogamy.
Even a runner knows that you don’t get the same kind of excitement from meters as you do from miles; a sprint is a quick thrill, a marathon can be a painful mess. That’s why, if you’re approaching the search for a longer-term romance with excitement in mind, you’re heading down the wrong path. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 22, 2014
When we say, as we often do, that communication is overrated, we’re referring to touchy-feely emotional purges, not basic verbal interaction. Being able to get a reliable, understandable answer to your questions and ideas is essential in life, which is why it’s so infuriating when you either can’t get through to someone who can’t hear what you’re trying to tell them or get an honest response from someone who just says what you want to hear. In either case, trying harder to get through by expressing that frustration will probably do you no good. Instead, watch carefully to see where the message gets lost and then decide whether what you need is to alter your language or give up on words. In either case, you’ll be more effective at getting your message across while keeping emotions at bay.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: We’re taking Monday off for Memorial Day here in the US, so keep serving us up your problems while we remember those who have served our country.
My son is serious about being a massage therapist and he’s starting to get paying referrals, but I can’t get a straight story out of him when I ask him how much he needs to live on and when he thinks he’ll have enough to move into his own place. I know he’s always had trouble giving people a straight answer—he struggled with word problems in Math, and his English papers often failed to answer whatever question the teacher had in mind—but it gets me pissed off when all I want is a simple business plan, including how much he needs to make, how much he expects to earn per hour, and how many billable hours he thinks he can get. Instead of giving me facts, he tells me he’s pleased and optimistic and happy with the way things are turning out. My goal is to get the facts out of him without screaming at him.
Despite all the strict rules of grammar and structure, everyone knows there’s no one way to speak any one language; regional dialects and accents create thousands of variations (in New England alone, there are at least five different ways to say “garage”).
What few people realize is that, even when speaking to someone in a language/dialect they understand in the plainest way possible, there’s more than one way to hear and interpret what’s being said. Especially if you’re speaking to someone whose brain, as in this case, has a bad track record of interpreting words in general. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 12, 2014
Everybody knows that trust is a big part of marriage, but that doesn’t just mean trusting your spouse, but trusting yourself to keep both your junk and your doubt in your pants. If you find yourself with major problems in either of these areas, trying to be normal and ignore your misgivings or mistakes will probably make things worse. Instead, accept that you’ve got a screw loose, and then you’ll have a much better chance of gaining the strength you need to manage out-of-control thoughts and/or actions and learn to trust yourself, or at least your limits vis-a-vis the contents of your slacks.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t understand why I cheated on my wife again, not just because it was so painful the first time around, but because I know, for a certainty, that I love her and don’t want to break up my marriage. I never intended cheating, but I fell into a great conversation with an attractive colleague at work, and, before I knew it, we were exchanging messages about how wonderful it was to see one another and when we would meet again. When my wife found out, it was agony for both her and me, as I felt terribly guilty and I didn’t want to lose my marriage. After months and months of couples’ therapy we patched things back together, re-established trust, and I felt happy with her. Then, without warning, it happened again at an out-of-town sales conference, almost exactly the same thing with a different woman, and now my wife wants a divorce. My goal is to know why I do this thing and whether it means I really don’t love my wife and would be happy with someone else or whether I just can’t be monogamous.
Guys who can’t understand why they cheat when they don’t really feel like it are like alcoholics who can’t understand why they got drunk when they weren’t even in the mood to drink. Emotions are the main motivation for infidelity as often as alcoholism is motivated by thirst.
More often, infidelity is, for lack of better words, a character weakness, a deeply ingrained need that you’re neither going to figure out nor get out of your system. That’s why the First Step in both AA (and CA, Cheaters Anonymous) is accepting your helplessness to control yourself. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
