Posted by fxckfeelings on April 19, 2010
Many of us have nasty sides that can do lots of damage if they get out. In psychiatry, we call them “demons” or, to be less judgmental/more technical, “inner assholes.” They’re helpful if we’re cornered by Moonies and need to escape, and they certainly make us less boring. On the other hand, they’re dangerous, particularly since it feels so good to let them fly. Unfortunately, anything that flies has to land, usually on those you actually care about.
–Dr. Lastname
When my husband and I first got married (and married young, over 20 years ago), his job was physically intensive, but he enjoyed it and it paid well. Not too long ago he got injured, and it was bad enough that he can’t go back to that line of work, so he’s collected disability and taken over the childcare, which he does well. I found a good job, so we’re making enough money, but I don’t like working and miss spending time with the kids, so I push him to find a desk-job, but he obviously hates that kind of work and can’t seem to find anything that suits him. The whole thing is so unfair, I can’t help but dig into him sometimes, in a way that I know, even as I’m talking to him, is just nasty and inappropriate. It’s really putting our marriage through the ringer, but as hard as I try, I can’t control my temper. My goal is to get through this problem without getting divorced.
You clearly value your partnership with your husband…even if you hate your new role as breadwinner so much that it awakens the asshole within.
It leaves you with a big lump of anger and disappointment that you can’t get over and won’t go away. The expression might be “like it or lump it,” but sometimes, you have to do both.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 15, 2010
While Shut Up! Week began with us doing the up-shutting, it concludes with the more fun exercise of instructing others when they can utilize their own “shut up!” skills. After all, a friend might want to help you, or you might want to help a friend yourself, but sometimes the best thing you can do to help someone is get them to keep their mouth closed. And with that, Shut Up! week shuts down.
–Dr. Lastname
For years, I’ve talked to a friend of mine about my problems who’s also a counselor, and during that time, he’s urged me to seek professional help. I used to brush off that advice, mostly because this friend lives in another city and only ever really talks to me on the phone when I have problems, but in the last few months, I’ve begun to consider taking his advice. I don’t know what to say when I call to make the appointment, however, because I haven’t the faintest how to explain the unknown in my head (which is the main issue that frustrates me). I want to scream, but don’t know why or what. Do you have any advice as far as how to ask for help when I’m not sure what I’m really asking help for?
Remember, funny feelings in your head cause fear, which causes funny feelings, which cause fear, which create a spiral that will flush you down the toilet of needless worry. The first thing to do then is shut up and think about whether you need help.
If you’ve had funny feelings in your head for years, they’re not about to kill you; they’re not telling you to kill yourself or anyone else, and they’re not annoying you to death. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 8, 2010
Many jobs, especially those involving leadership or sales, depend on making a good impression with the public. The risk is becoming so focused on public reaction that you end up like Ed Koch, asking “How’m I doin?” with such frequency that you lose track of exactly what you’re supposed to do (aside from getting people to curb their dogs). Most public jobs, however, involve lots of duties that only make an impression when done very poorly, so success can’t be defined by accolades, and you’re the only one who knows best. It’s up to you to be your own best judge before you end up so hungry for approval that you get stuck in deep dog shit.
–Dr. Lastname
As rabbi of a medium-sized temple for 10 years, I’ve enjoyed a good relationship with my congregation and I love the work. My problem is that I rely on the temple Board to decide whether I get a raise, and, during the last recession, there wasn’t one because everyone felt too poor to pay more dues. When, recently, I began looking at what rabbis of comparable congregations are making, however, I found that my salary is well below the mean, so I’ve been wondering how to become more active without appearing to be greedy, selfish or unresponsive to the problems of the congregation. One way that occurred to me was to do a “360 degree review” and ask everyone to give me feedback on how I’m doing, including the congregation, the board, and people who work for me. My goal is to get a high approval rating and use that to get a raise.
Unlike the woman earlier this week who was too afraid to rock the boat by asking for a raise (until anger made her want to torpedo the ship), you’re inhibited by guilt, empathy, and that certain Jewish ne sais quoi.
Still, no matter how tempting it is, don’t ask the congregation to clap if they think the rabbi deserves a raise. You’re a scholar and a leader, not Tinkerbell.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 5, 2010
Despite all that Hillary, Michelle, and Jóhanna have done to break glass ceilings for women (the latter being the first female Prime Minister of Iceland, no small shakes), we still get letters from ladies with workplace issues caused not by performance, but by gender. Ironically, our answers are far more gender-neutral; workplace disagreements should always be professional and unemotional, whether you’re a man or a woman, or in or outside of the Arctic Circle.
–Dr. Lastname
My boss has never really been supportive of my work, but we get along well, and it’s partly because I haven’t asked for a raise in over 20 years. Recently, however, he began to give me a hard time about leaving early, and it’s really pissed me off because I work a lot at home on the computer (my husband and I have trouble getting reliable after-school childcare) and I take pride in working hard. (It’s particularly unfair and infuriating because I’ve had an unusually good year and everyone, including my boss’s boss, the big boss, knows it and I was even thinking now, finally, I would get a raise. Certainly not a reprimand. I’m reaching my breaking point here, because it’s one thing to work your ass off for poor pay because you like the work and the people on your team, but another to be bullied over nothing on top of that. I’m meeting with the big boss tomorrow and my goal is to get the credit I deserve and maybe give him a piece of my mind.
Reassuring women about their feelings instead of giving them a raise is something guys have done to girls (and communication-sensitive people of all genders) since the glass ceiling was made out of quills.
This is not to say that men are entirely at fault; women make it easy for guys to do this by bringing up their feelings as a reason/using them to push for a raise, instead of letting facts and economics do the pushing for them.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 1, 2010
We began this week with people paralyzed by fear of the unknown. We now end it with people who get stuck, not due to fear of the unknown, but rather fear of the untenable; their lives are blocked by the effects, or even just the possibility, of mental illness. Everyone’s lives, even for the few of us who are sane, are fraught with danger, so there’s no point in letting any illness ruin you, at least not without a fight.
–Dr. Lastname
I know that my depression is one of the main obstacles keeping me from getting a new job; I got laid off three months ago, and even though my meds had stopped working way before that, I had enough discipline to push through. Now I don’t have a workplace to go to, I have trouble getting motivated enough to do anything, so between my inability to get out of bed and the fact I look like a mess, interviews aren’t happening. My wife is pissed because I’m not motivated to get new work and I won’t go back to see the psychiatrist, but I don’t see the point in trying this new prescription, because it’s my fourth medication so far, and I don’t understand why the first medication I took, which worked the best, stopped working, and why none of the others since has done the job. I don’t see why I should waste my time getting treatment if it isn’t going to work, but my wife thinks I’m being complacent and lazy. My goal is to find some way to get better or at least get her off my back.
You’re reinforcing something I’ve been telling my children their whole lives; life is unfair.
It was unfair for them when I wouldn’t by them a Happy Meal or the latest Nintendo game, even when they deserved it, and it’s unfair for you now that you’ve lost your job and can’t find the right meds. Unfair is unfair, as they say (or at least as I say).
The trouble is, it isn’t a fair world for anyone, young or old, and you won’t survive if you can’t take your lumps and keep on going.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 29, 2010
For our 100th post, we address a problem that causes loads of people useless worry, and that is…useless worry. Just because horrible things may happen to you or someone you love (or because of someone you love), life shouldn’t end. Prepare yourself the best you can for whatever trouble you think you see coming, and then continue your regularly scheduled, useful life.
–Dr. Lastname
Living with my mentally ill 30-year-old daughter is wearing me out. My wife and I can never leave her alone, but we also can’t take her with us because she gets uncomfortable when she’s around people she doesn’t know and says inappropriate things in a loud voice and has to get up and leave. The problem isn’t her, though, it’s my wife, who is so worried about what will happen if we put her in a half-way house with other sick people that she can’t think clearly about it. We’ve got some money, but if we paid for my daughter to have her own condo and a nurse to keep an eye on her, the money wouldn’t last long. Then again, if she continues to live with us, we won’t last long. My goal is to get my wife to see that we have to get her into a state-supported program, for her sake and ours.
You hope to get your wife to see that your mentally ill daughter needs to live independently, but if you were making any progress in that direction, you wouldn’t be writing.
Let’s assume then, at least for the moment, that your hopes are false and your wife can’t let go, and if she can’t let go, she’ll always be thinking of new ways to make your daughter feel more comfortable and better understood. Which makes your goal a more and more distant dream.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 22, 2010
Just because flirting can come naturally to almost anyone and anything from people to dogs to penguins, that doesn’t mean we’re all naturally gifted at flirtational arts. Some of us freeze around people we want to thaw, while others flirt indiscriminately, spanning the dogs to penguin gamut. If you’re flirt-impaired, however, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to die alone. There are others ways to get to know someone (and we don’t mean sniffing your intended’s butt).
–Dr. Lastname
I’m interested in a woman here at work, which automatically has two complications. First of all, we work together (although not directly, we’re just both teachers at the same elementary school). Second, despite being an educated guy in my 30s with hobbies and friends and all those good normal things, I am and have always been a completely incompetent flirt. I do not know how to be charming or cute, and I have no idea how I’ve gotten women interested in me in the past (and yes, I’m a math teacher). Do you have any flirting tips for the socially inept? My goal, simply, is to get the girl.
Thanks goodness flirting isn’t necessary, or many of us would never have gotten a first date, math teachers wouldn’t be able to propagate, and Poincaré would never have conjectured. Fortunately, there’s more than one kind of mating ritual for humans.
Ever if you were good at it, you’d find that flirting has its drawbacks. Because it’s fun and sexy, flirting tends to start something up before you really know where you want to go (see: the case that follows this one).
Particularly at work, getting attached and then getting to know someone is a risky way of dating that can turn a normally shitty day at the office into an endless trail of tears (and into good business for me).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 11, 2010
Virtually all mammals resent being told what to do (don’t think your cat doesn’t understand you, he just doesn’t care what you think). Unfortunately, most of us with opposable thumbs have to earn a living and/or share a roof, which means learning to live with authority. You might not like your given overlord’s opinion, but, while both parents and bosses are often full of shit, your role remains the same; be respectful, mind your boundaries, and take their words just seriously enough so you don’t get fired. And, like any good, domesticated mammal, don’t pee on the floor.
–Dr. Lastname
My father’s always been a heavy drinker (if he is an alcoholic, he’s “high functioning”), but I love him, and I’ve always tried to make him proud. When he’s really sloshed, however, he tends to go on a lot about how much he loves my older brother, who’s a lawyer, and how impressed he is with him, and how great that brother is, and on and on until everyone else around him feels awkward (and any siblings that are around are pissed). It really gets under my skin, particularly when we’ve been matching one another drink for drink, but then I just feel guilty for being angry at my father when, after all, I’m a grown up who should be too old for this kind of thing, and, really, he’s a nice guy. My goal is to get myself to be less sensitive to the fact that I’m not Dad’s favorite.
There’s good news and bad news here; you’re right not to let fly with your resentment, but you’re wrong to expect your hurt feelings to go away.
If you’re a sensitive person, then you can’t stop the hurt, but you can stop it from hurting yourself or others. The trick is to shut your mouth, because, that way, you don’t let anger out, or alcohol in.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 8, 2010
In my practice, I give patients with ADD a special appointment option. Instead of their taking responsibility for keeping a regularly scheduled appointment (which means they’re obliged to pay full freight, with no insurance support, if they don’t show up), I encourage them to line up for a walk-in appointment which may keep them waiting longer, but won’t cost them a cent if they forget to come. It’s not that I discriminate, I’m just trying to make the best of things. That, to me, exemplifies the best way to deal with Attention Deficit Disorder, both for my patients and as a third party; keep your expectations reasonable, your appetite for shit bottomless, and your shrink understanding.
–Dr. Lastname
My roommate calls me the Ritalin vampire, because once my meds run out around 5, I become a different person (or really just a depressed, anxious mess). My mood drops so low so fast, and my nerves become so raw, that I have to drink just to get through the evening and get some sleep. It’s obviously driving my roommate crazy, but more than that, it’s messing up my life—I wake up hung-over, my boss is pissed, I feel sick all the time, so even when I’m not anxious and wired when I’m on my meds, I still feel like shit. My goal is to figure out how to get my ADD under control when the sun is down.
Most Ritalin users don’t have a terrible comedown with severe anxiety every time their meds wear off—what you have isn’t normal ADD, but ADD plus anxiety, plus, probably, alcohol dependence.
The medical term for your three-pronged disorder is a trifuckedta. Surprise, the prognosis ain’t so hot.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 4, 2010
We all have different standards for bad behavior; some people hate themselves for eating more than 1000 calories a day, while others don’t understand why you think it’s such a big deal that they drive drunk. While the opinions of those close to you are worth considering, the only true judge for what’s right and wrong is, surprise, you. Just as long as you weigh all the risks and benefits (and eat a cookie and/or call a taxi).
–Dr. Lastname
Do you think sex addiction is a real disease that needs therapy, or is it a way to make a big deal out of nothing that helps cheaters and the people they cheat on feel better while people in your business get paid? I love my wife—we’ve been together for almost 20 years—but I don’t think anyone would say I have an disease because I grab a little extra action if the opportunity comes along. I don’t think she knows I’m not faithful, it doesn’t happen that often, and I don’t think it hurts our marriage at all. It’s not like I have a steady mistress; I just end up going home with women I meet when I’m traveling sometimes, because it’s nice to feel young and like I haven’t lost it, whatever it is. As far as I can tell, everyone wins, because I feel better and my wife is less annoyed by my constant begging for sex. So my goal is to figure out if the way I live my life, which seems to be A-OK, is actually reason to go into rehab.
To rehab, or not to rehab. That is the question.
You’re raising the timeless question, and obviously, we’re not going to tell you to let your feelings be your guide, or, for that matter, your daddy, your minister, your rehab counselor, or your parakeet, Ray.
As to the validity of sex addiction, it either doesn’t matter, or it depends on your definition of illness. I define illness as something wrong with your body that’s personal, important, and out-of-control, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s cellular or behavioral, neurological or psychiatric. Or kinky.
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