Posted by fxckfeelings on December 9, 2010
There are lots of frightening things in life, and unless you want to live out your days in a panic room, freedom from fear is never an option. Besides, if we all gave up after our first major scare or humiliation, everyone would still be hiding in a high school bathroom stall. So, instead of running for cover in your nearest small space, get used to freaking out and/or fucking up and ignoring whatever dismal news or critical judgment that fear tells you is the truth. Rely on your usual, pre-fear abilities to size up dangers, emerge from your hidey-hole, and respect yourself for doing whatever you think is necessary when fear is trying to bring you down.
–Dr. Lastname
I haven’t been able to recover my confidence since my new boss screamed at me and humiliated me in front of my team. He’s an ex-Ranger who’s been known to become abusive, like the drill sergeant he used to be. The company has reprimanded him, and my job isn’t in jeopardy, but even thinking about going back to work leaves me shaking, and I’ve had nightmares, so I need to get myself back together before going back to work.
This may sound unkind; but taking time to feel traumatized won’t put food on your table.
If there were a cure for your condition, I wouldn’t say that. I’d tell you to get cured, feel better, and then get back to work. Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as canned “trauma-be-gone,” but government cheese is very real.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 6, 2010
Everyone from Mariah Carey to Charlie Brown has told us that what Christmas means is a happy, if not the happiest, time, and that you’re supposed to spread that happy to your neighbors, parents, and children. Most of us learn at an early age that Christmas is a mixed bag, and that the unhappy spreads faster than the happy, mostly among family members. Instead of focusing on good cheer, decide how best to use the holiday to express the Christmas spirit which, for those of you with some dysfunction in your families, means finding the best compromise between sharing a holiday together, protecting yourself from bad behavior, and avoiding the songmanship of Mariah Carey.
–Dr. Lastname
My 16-year-old daughter is a good kid, but she’s always been hell on wheels about breaking the rules. I always worry about her, because her father was sick and school is hard for her (she’s very ADD) and it would take very little to get her to drop out. The more I do to make sure she gets up on time, however, like driving her to school when she’s late, the more she misses the boat by always getting one absence more than whatever the school allows, so now I’ve got regular meetings with the principal (she refuses to show up) and neverending special ed plans. She’s really a nice kid and behaves well when she’s staying with her friends, but with me she’s often mean and nasty and swears all the time, and I just laugh it off. Now Christmas is coming, and I’d like her to be able to visit Mexico with a friend’s family, if she can just keep out of additional trouble. My goal is to avoid provoking her into doing more dumb things, dropping out of school, and getting into major trouble.
It’s clear that you love and accept your bad-ass kid, and that’s probably the most important part of any relationship, because non-acceptance is deadly.
You accept her, she accepts that you love her. She just can’t accept being told what to do.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 2, 2010
People often feel broken by trauma if they can’t stop attacks of anxiety and achieve the sense of control that they’re sure normal people have. Sadly, normal people are as common as guiltless donuts and pegasi; if being broken means that you can’t be fixed, then everyone is broken, because we all eventually have problems about ourselves that can’t be fixed. If you’re out there, braving the risks of relationships and work and child-rearing in spite of trauma symptoms, then you’re not broken—you’re a hero.
–Dr. Lastname
I made the executive decision today to not participate in our airport’s body scan or pat down procedure, and now my whole family is f*cked. I had my “no more than 3oz bottles” in their “official” airline approved baggies, so obviously I arrived at the airport planning to suck it up and be a team player. When we got to the security checkpoint however, I discovered there was not enough scope (or vodka) in my 3oz bottles to get me through the required security procedure. I started having flashbacks dating back to a sexual assault 20+yrs ago, and called off the idea of being a team player. I’m pissed at myself for ruining our plans, and equally pissed that my husband (who knows about my past experience) thinks it’s “silly” that I couldn’t just suck it up and go through it like everyone else. My kid’s are totally confused now as to why we are at home and not at Grandmas. I know from news stories I’m not the only one having a problem with our new security procedures. I know I don’t “owe” anyone an explanation, but it seems avoiding their questions is only making matters worse. How do I explain, without really explaining, why I’m refusing to put myself back in the position that clearly was not in my best interest at the time?
If you’re reactive to your feelings in public, for any reason, life becomes more dramatic, unpredictable and sometimes humiliating. You want your junk, physical and emotional, untouched.
Unfortunately, most times you do end up saying something emotionally, it doesn’t come out cool, leaving you and everyone else feeling a bit violated.
There are, however, some advantages to being emotionally reactive, particularly in the anxious way you describe, even if those advantages don’t involve airports.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 29, 2010
If you’re the kind of person who lets your job take over your life, then work can become like a bad relationship; you get totally consumed with pleasing your beloved, and while that devotion gives you great satisfaction of the kind you want, it seldom supplies the kind that you need. Don’t assume that work satisfaction is good for you until you’ve decided what else is important in your life, including money, real human romantic relationships, and, of course, not working.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a competitive, hard-working woman who’s always been a star among my peers at work. My social life has been pretty good, too, though I haven’t been lucky in finding a partner. My problem is that I’m bored and discouraged by my current job—it doesn’t allow me to get the outstanding results I’m used to achieving—and it’s starting to put a dent in my confidence, my dating, and even my ability to look for a new job. I want to get my mood back to normal, I don’t care whether it’s through medication or psychotherapy, so I can again lead the work-pack and have more energy for my social life.
It’s nice to be a work superstar, especially when that confidence extends outside the office to every other facet of life. Too much hubris, however, and you’re starring in your own corporate episode of “Behind The Music.”
When you depend too much on being outstanding, as good as it feels, you’ll get into the special trouble that always happens to gifted people who need that special feeling of achievement (you, Leif Garrett, same difference).
For one thing, if you’re ambitious and good at what you do, you’ll always be recruited, and sooner or later, you’ll be recruited into a position that can’t work out. Your skills are still perfect, but your luck isn’t.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 8, 2010
Sometimes asking questions over and over again is a good way to avoid the fact that you already know the answers, you just don’t like them. The answers are probably bad news that require you to live with pain, but by refusing to accept them, you don’t postpone that pain, just force yourself to keep living with the same problems with the added extra of uncertainty and compound pain interest. It’s better to take the answer you don’t want and face the truth bravely, even if the truth is that you’re fucked.
–Dr. Lastname
I take medication for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and every night, when I take my pill, I wash it down with a couple of beers. My OCD takes the form of compulsive worrying about my health, or the possible bad effects of things I’ve done, and it’s partially prevented me from practicing law. I know you’re not supposed to drink when you take meds like this, but the beer helps me sleep, and my OCD hasn’t gotten worse with the booze. Still, I know it’s a bad idea, and while my primary care physician and my psychiatrist have said it’s OK, they seem a little doubtful. At the same time, they can’t point me to any definitive articles on the subject. My goal is to get you to give me an answer that will make me comfortable.
If your OCD is worrying compulsively about your health, and you’re searching for a definitive opinion to help you stop worrying about your health…surely you see how you’re putting the symptom before the horse.
You already know that the comfortable feelings you get from experts’ answers don’t last long; they can seldom stand up to new doubts prompted by afterthoughts, things you’ve read, and the general mental itch, I’ve-got-to-check-things-over-again-OCD feeling.
Comfortable is not an option. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 1, 2010
Technically speaking, any citizen of the first world has the opportunity to be rich and powerful…except for the fact of life’s shitty, unavoidable obstacles, like being sick, poor, or just plain unlucky. If you can’t reach the dream of power and a powerboat, especially after working hard and overcoming an obstacle or two, feelings of loserdom begin to sink in. Neither owning a mansion nor overcoming poverty, however, make you a worthy individual (though they may make you feel like one). You can never be a loser if you make the best of your hard luck and build values that will protect your self-respect from the helpless humiliation of being poor and yachtless.
–Dr. Lastname
It took me forever to get my engineering degree because I had to work and go to night school, but I stuck with it because I believed it would get me a good, secure job. What’s killing me is that, now that I’m qualified, I can’t find one, because I don’t have a driver’s license, because the idea of driving gives me panic attacks. Meanwhile, my classmates have gotten all the good jobs and are moving ahead. I’m feeling angry, bitter, and depressed, and I know it’s my own fault. My goal is to get over my fears so all my work doesn’t go to waste.
You’re right to be frightened of panic attacks, because, in addition to making you feel terrible, they can come on just when you need to be at your best, look confident, and show you’re reliable. They’re the acne of mental health.
Like bad zits, they tend to come back whenever they want, for no reason you’ll ever understand, and picking at it just makes it worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 28, 2010
As life and many sitcoms have taught us, the people we work with are like family; they can drive you crazy if you listen to them too much, make you forget that your self-respect should never depend on what others think of you (including mom, dad, and the Boss), and make unreasonable demands you can’t refuse. Just as you can’t change your mom, dad, or family cat Count Fluffington, you’re not going to change the Boss, so don’t try. Learn to tune out your office relatives and focus on your own standards. Remember, it’s only a job, and maybe your professional in-laws will take you in.
–Dr. Lastname
Work has been hard for the last couple years because times have been tough and the main way that managers prove themselves and avoid being fired is by committing their teams to unrealistic goals and then getting us to overwork while blaming anyone who objects. They see it as surviving tough competition. Meanwhile, the best people have left and the rest of us feel like we’re overly loyal and/or unmarketable losers. Anyway, the rising complaints caused management to bring in a group of psychologists/consultants to make the workplace happier and improve communication. The trouble is, they’re not asking the right questions and they don’t want to hear what we’re telling them. My goal is to get the boss to see that they’re ineffective.
You might think the consulting psychologists are incompetent, but if they actually could resolve the issues you’ve described, they wouldn’t be consultants, they’d be messiahs.
Yes, the consulting psychologists were hired to make things better and management is probably sincere in believing that. Consultants who tell the whole truth in a situation like this, however, usually find themselves, like employees who do likewise, without a job. Be warned.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 21, 2010
When life spins out of control, so does morale. When it feels like you’re living in a flaming, crowded theater, it’s more normal to issue dire warnings, cast blame, and look for desperate solutions. If, however, after reviewing your options realistically, you can assure yourself that you’ve done whatever it is you could do, you can retain your pride and helps others retain theirs. That won’t give you control, but it will decrease the panic and put the fires out.
–Dr. Lastname
My 25-year-old daughter barely talks to me because I’m the one who reminds her that she’s bipolar. She gets mad at me whenever I bring it up, but I’ve got to say something, because someone needs to tell her to take her medication and stay away from her drinking buddies. She’s such a good kid, and it’s awful to watch her lose control and then have everyone take advantage of her. The trouble is, I know how bad the prognosis is for her illness, and after four hospital admissions and no job held for more than a month, I fear for her. My goal is to help her and have a better relationship with her.
If you want to express negative emotions about your kid’s mental illness, tell your shrink, hairdresser, crossing-guard, whomever. Anyone but the kid herself.
Mental illness is scary and depressing, but for the parent of a mentally ill child, make like your home is on the range: never should be heard a discouraging word. Expressing negative emotions almost always makes things worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 18, 2010
To paraphrase Homer Simpson’s thoughts on alcohol; for the depression-prone especially, fear is the cause of, and result of, all of life’s problems. When you’re afraid, it seems like you’re losing control, and nothing will work unless you get it back, which will just dig you deeper. Life can and will always take away your control, so your job is to forget control and preserve your values using whatever you have, regardless of result. You may not be able to cure yourself of depression, alcoholism, or anything else that ails you, but you shouldn’t hide and give up. Remember, to further paraphrase Homer Simpson, the answers to life’s problems aren’t found through control, they’re found on the internet.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been so depressed I can barely get out of bed, so at this point, I’m willing to try medication. The problem is, none of the pills I try seem to work for me, and some of them make me feel worse. One antidepressant made me dizzy, and another one my doctor recommended is said to cause weight gain, and another sometimes causes a severe rash. I’m desperate, but there’s got to be a way to feel better without a fucking rash. I need something that will work without doing me serious harm.
If you’re looking for an antidepressant that’s sure to help and has never caused harm, stop your search now. Like cold fusion, unicorns, and a good Joel Schumacher movie, such a pill doesn’t exist.
Refusing a medication because it makes you gain weight is like skipping chemotherapy because of possible hair loss. Expecting too much from antidepressants, or any medication, can paralyze you and prevent you from getting the actual help they might be able to provide.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 14, 2010
Dreams, like deep religious faith and extreme weight loss, promise happiness, which should warn you right away that you’d better check out what you really need and what you need to do if your dream, exciting as it is, doesn’t come true. We don’t enjoy reminding you, over and over again, that life usually destroys dreams, that fate can be mean, and that you should never throw away your fat pants. We do it because we don’t think dreams are nearly as important, or as fulfilling in the long run, as doing what you can with what you’ve got.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m over 50, independent, and make just enough money to have a middle class life style without any great financial reserves, and I’ve had a steady boyfriend for several years who lives with me on the weekends, but works in another city during the week. We’re both happy with one another and this arrangement, and I feel I can count on him, but I’ve been wondering what we’ll do as we get older. Ideally, I’d like us to pool our resources and take responsibility for caring for one in sickness and health, but I get the feeling he’s hasn’t faced the issue of aging and I don’t know if he ever will. My goal is to get him to consider these issues so I can figure out where I stand.
It’s great to find a good companion, but it might be easier to find the kind of commitment you want, if not the care, from one of the companions listed on petfinder.com.
In other words, beware romanticizing what you and your current companion actually have; ask yourself if your friend is truly prepared to give to you what you’re prepared to give to him, and how you’ll react if he isn’t. You can’t be angry with him for breaking a promise he never made in the first place.
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