Posted by fxckfeelings on September 1, 2011
It’s hard not to think of stoner weirdos as victims of bad choices who need a haircut and a good, tough talking-to. In reality, many misfits, potheads especially, have no control over the fact that life offers them no good fit for their talents and temperament, and the belief that they should have or could have done better makes them more passively resistant, unpleasant, and prone to mass consumption of tacos. So, instead of moralizing and breaking out the shears, confront their negative behavior by accepting the fact that stoner misfits are who they are while offering suggestions about how they can do better with themselves (starting with fewer tacos).
–Dr. Lastname
There’s a guy on my team at work who drags everyone down, but the boss does nothing to confront him, and it really prevents us all from doing good work. This guy does just enough to get by, and he sucks up to the other guys, so they’re somewhat protective of him. Meanwhile, he’s dismissive with me and the other women on the team and has a way of passing the buck to us, losing what we give him, and then blaming our hormones if we complain. No surprise here, he’s a heavy stoner and smokes during the day, but everyone at work seems to think it’s no big deal. I like the job and the people, but I’m afraid that complaining to our boss will be seen as petty and disloyal to our team. I don’t mind telling this guy to his face that I’m unhappy with his work and attitude, but it would just make him even nastier and impossible. At the same time, I don’t want to be silent just because the boys don’t respect what I’m saying. What can I do to make this work?
When you’ve got a job where you like the work and the people you work with, it’s natural to feel that the bad behavior of a single jerk shouldn’t be able to ruin it for you (and everyone else), let alone a lazy, sexist jerk with a drug problem.
Trouble is, his behavior can totally ruin it for you and everyone else unless your boss or other co-workers are reasonably good at managing his behavior instead of just avoiding conflict and sharing dumb jokes.
Unfortunately, as you may have noticed, they’re not really rising to the task so far, and that’s something you don’t control. At least it seems you’ve been good about controlling your own rage. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 25, 2011
The most powerful mama-bear parenting instinct, to feel infinitely responsible for protecting your baby from harm, is helpful when your child is, say, being attacked by a bear, but it’s infinitely troublesome in all but the most basic situations. Yes, you’ve got to do your duty if and when there’s something you can do, but most of the time, your options are limited and protective powers feeble. Your real powers come from not losing your confidence, even when your child is suffering at the hands of something other than a large predator, and conveying a belief in your ability to get through bad things together in the long run.
–Dr. Lastname
My 5-year-old son is a sweet, sensitive kid who’s generally happy and gets along well with his older brother, but ever since he got a baby brother six months ago, he’s been impossible to console when a tantrum comes on. If he feels left out of something, he’ll cry hysterically, big fat tears for a LONG time afterward, without my being able to distract him out of it. And the other day, he was so upset about something pretty trivial that, when we were sitting together later he said, “Mama, is it okay if I die?” And while, on the one hand, it is pretty silly to hear that sentence in his tiny little funny voice, it’s also very sad, since I know he just wants me to give him lots of attention and reassurance, and I did do that a little bit, but I’m worried that, if I feed into his need for attention, it will become his middle-child fate to join the drama club, or else ignore it and have him feel like no one really cares about him.
Your basic instinct as a parent is to soothe a crying baby and feel successful if it works. If it doesn’t work, you’re a failure, you’ve got to keep trying, and, even when it finally works, you worry that there’s a grander failure on the horizon, like a child who ends up selfish or gets a tribal tattoo.
Yes, even if you do finally soothe your child, you wonder whether you’ve got a kid who’s very unhappy because you don’t understand his needs, or a needy kid who’s training you to spoil him. That’s why parents pray for “easy” kids, and lazier types stick with pets. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 8, 2011
Funny thing about fuck-ups—“fucking up,” despite being their specialty, is their least favorite topic of conversation, probably because they haven’t joined the honorable brotherhood of fuck-ups by choice. I know, life is supposed to be all about choices, but it’s actually about the choices you make about the things you have no choice about. Assume that most people don’t like to fuck up, figure out what their limitations are, and your conversations will become fuck-up-free.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t understand why my colleague has become such a sloppy teacher. She’s smart and well-trained and relates well to people, but it’s become common knowledge in our department that the kids don’t like her and complain that her classes are disorganized and have very little content. Maybe she’s decided that her part-time sales job is more important than teaching because it makes her more money. My goal, if she’s really decided that teaching isn’t important, is to avoid discussing the subject with her and talk about other things when we hang out. Does this make sense?
People always interpret one another’s inexplicable actions as if they’re the result of choice, rather than, well, inexplicable. The reason they call them stupid decisions is because intelligent forethought was never part of the equation.
It’s upsetting to see your friend and colleague do a bad job, so you assume she’s doing it because she chose to commit her time elsewhere, where the money is. Sadly, you’re probably inflating her grade. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 28, 2011
If we’re to believe the common wisdom that self-esteem is as important to the human body as insulin, white blood cells, and limbs, then it’s important to remember that too much is a bad thing. True, too little is the one that hurts in the short run, but too much can lead to bad decisions that can be just as harmful as diabetes. What’s important is to manage the self-esteem you’ve got so it doesn’t make you a wimp or a jerk. Maintain a healthy balance, because you need too much self-confidence like you need that extra arm.
–Dr. Lastname
I constantly feel inadequate, though I am socially quite confident and easy-going. I have always been a worrier, and someone that seeks approval from others—mainly because of the relationship I have with my parents, where praise is hard to come by. Ever since graduating (a year ago),my confidence seems to have hit rock bottom. I became very disheartened by the whole application process, and felt like I became reduced to a series of bullet points. As a result, the many rejection emails I received were crushing. I have since found a job I generally enjoy, but cannot shake a feeling of anxiety. I constantly worry that I’m being a bad employee, friend, daughter. I worry about money, about the fact I don’t meet guys that I can make a relationship work with…When a guy I was dating recently treated me undeniably badly, I still found myself questioning my own behavior, worrying it was my fault. I want to make plans for the future, but keep finding reasons why my ambitions will be impossible to achieve. How can I stop giving myself such a hard time, and take my future by the horns?
Yes, there are people who are optimistic, happy, and full of confidence, and their optimism often generates its own good results and gets everyone, including advice-givers, worshiping the “groove” they’re in and telling you how to get it.
What they don’t tell you is that the groove is overvalued; sooner or later, life sucks, and when it does, it won’t shake you nearly as much as someone who has never experienced self-doubt and thinks they’ve got the world by the tail. So one thing you can be optimistic about is that you’re prepared for disaster.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 25, 2011
Most times, people assume they have values if they want to do good and punish the wicked. You should know, however, that, since punishing the wicked feels good, it probably isn’t good for you (or for anyone). Real values take into account the fact that many good deeds end up badly, and doing the right thing is often frustrating because you can’t control how it turns out. Still, if you stay true to what you think is right, no matter how it feels in the short-run, you might not feel good, but you’ll feel good about yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
A lot of your responses seminal components point to having the questioners turn their attention to their ‘values.’ Can you please elucidate a bit on how you define said values with regards to the context you utilize said term, as well as how to go about developing such a core set of values when one feels that he or she has none?
Values are whatever make you feel like a good person, aside from just feeling good because you’re feeling good (e.g. by enjoying what you’re doing, or having a good talk, or getting good feedback, or just being lucky).
In other words, there are lots of perfectly constructive ways to feel good that aren’t bad for your health, but they’re like a sunny day. They represent good luck, which means you don’t control them, and if you make it your goal to feel good, it’s like giving yourself responsibility for good weather. You’ll be sorry (and I’ll be working).
Values, on the other hand, have nothing to do with your luck and are under your control, because you can always try to do something you think is worth doing, whether you get it done or not. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 21, 2011
Talking to a partner about their cancer often leads people to become nervous and tentative. They may feel guilty for being the healthy party, or afraid to say the wrong thing and trigger painful feelings, and it’s that sort of distance that can lead to cancer of the relationship. If your partner has cancer, don’t freeze up; respect your usual shared goals, values, and reasons for making decisions, and treat him or her as your respected friend and not a cancer victim. Take the disease in stride, or the disease will take much, much more.
–Dr. Lastname
My boyfriend went through hell from chemotherapy, but I don’t know what to do with his depression and irritability. We’d been dating about a year and planning to get married when he found out he had a nasty kind of cancer and, since then, he’s been brave about chemo and going on with his life, which has meant working when he’s feeling OK, and our moving in together and being partners. Usually, we get along well, but lately he’s been depressed and telling me he knows he’s a burden, he can’t get much done, and he just wants to be alone. I want him to get help for his depression and stop the negative thinking but I don’t want to attack him or make him feel I don’t respect the fact that he has cancer.
One of the things you always hear from people in pain is that you, the lucky one, “just don’t understand.” It’s the rallying cry of the suffering, whether they’re coping with cancer, or just being between the ages of 10 and 18.
What sick people often fail to realize, at least at first, is that people who aren’t in their position understand things that they can’t; after all, you might have the good luck not know what it’s like to have cancer, but you know what your boyfriend’s like when he’s not depressed, and you know this isn’t it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 18, 2011
People who need people aren’t necessarily the luckiest people in the world (although therapists can count themselves lucky for the business they provide). Just because you need someone or something s/he represents doesn’t mean you wish them well or have the chemistry to be good friends, especially if you’ve latched onto a jerk. Sure, crushes can sometimes be satisfied, but only if you get very good at keeping them from controlling you or influencing the way you make decisions about the important people in your life. After all, one isn’t the loneliest number, and it doesn’t always take two, so sometimes people who think they need people are perfectly fine all alone.
–Dr. Lastname
I have been in therapy for 8 years, sometimes weekly, sometimes monthly or less, depending on life events and finances. My goal has always been to find some peace or grace in being me. I told this psychiatrist the first time I met with her that I “pattern like a duck,” meaning that I form strong and sometimes obsessive attachments. My attachment to her started that day and, this many years later, is still fierce and often painful. She is appropriately nonjudgmental and vacillates between thinking that the work for us is in this attachment and suspecting it’s a form of resistance. I can’t seem to focus on anything else for more than a couple sessions. I have read (obsessively) about attachments in therapy..,either to luxuriate in my own, or to get some understanding of what it is that has a hold of me and what it would take to get past it. Am I supposed to “work through it”? What does that look like? Am I supposed to ignore it? The only positive thing about this unspecified longing for her is that I have attached less to other “marks” during this time. Otherwise, I feel stuck. I think about just leaving therapy to get some distance from her and this dynamic, but I would rather just get over it. HELP (and thank you).
If you approach therapy with the goal of finding “some peace or grace in being me,” you’re in for a long, dependent journey with your therapist, mainly because, with a goal as loose as that, your journey has no real end.
This is the point, of course, where we say your goal is actually a wish, an ambiguous feeling not necessarily connected with your priorities or values. It’s a nice notion, but it’s not necessarily something you can control, and not something tangible enough for your therapist–or this therapist—to help you figure out. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 11, 2011
Some people feel compelled to solve other people’s problems by telling them what they did wrong, figuring that shame and the power of truth will get them to correct their mistakes. The truth is, the only thing shame motivates most people to do is sulk and make even stupider decisions. Instead, admit that most problems don’t actually have solutions, then be positive about the options that do exist. If you insist on piling on harsh truth, the real shame will be that you didn’t take our advice.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t figure out how to keep my daughter from falling into a depression. She’s a fine young woman (she’s 30) and was doing well until she got laid off, through no fault of her own. What worries me is that, whenever she doesn’t have school or a job to do, she gets into a funk, has trouble getting out of bed, starts to wonder whether she has skills that anyone will want, gives up her job search, and becomes depressed and immobilized. She got some treatment once, but it didn’t help much. What got her going in the past is that she’d eventually move to a new place and start over, and that worked. My goal is to help her avoid the meltdown and the need to re-locate every time her job fails.
Before trying to help a depressed person, remember—avoid sounding critical at all costs. They might deserve it, but they’re already dealing with an incredibly harsh, vocal critic who happens to live in their heads.
Don’t accidentally give advice that adds to that chorus, because you’ll just confirm what she already thinks of herself and make matters worse.
The usual way to develop a positive line is to concede the negative; tell her you think she’s prone to self-criticism and depression, because she is. Just don’t tell her to “get help.” WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 27, 2011
Sharing career decisions with your spouse may expose you to unwanted advice and criticism, but it can also remind you that you’re not in this world just to work; for instance, if Whitey Bulger consulted (one of his many) girlfriends about his on-the-job pressures, they might have helped him keep his murder count down (or they might have wound up dead themselves). In any case, what your spouse knows, potentially, is that it’s not healthy to build your self-confidence on your ability to work yourself like a criminal, and your urges to be a good worker can have wider costs, be they for your family or your freedom.
–Dr. Lastname
I usually like my job, which is running the major gifts department of the development office of a medium sized-college, but lately I’ve been ready to tell the Board of Trustees where to get off. For the past 4 years we’ve had a reduced budget, like everyone else, and so I’ve tried to do more and volunteered to freeze my own salary, and the Board was appreciative. This past 6 months, however, I’ve been extra stressed by the fact that my assistant has been a no-show, for reasons of illness that I know are somewhat exaggerated, and the Board has been a lot more sympathetic about his problem than about the additional work that I and the rest of my team have had to do. My husband and I are not financially independent—we’ve got 2 kids in college—but I’ve had it. I’m ready to share my feelings with the Board Chairman. That’s my goal.
Gandhi is largely remembered as a selfless leader who starved and suffered for his people. It’s possible though that there is one person who remembered him quite differently, and that person, as we’ve stated before, is Mrs. Gandhi.
That’s because, by taking a vow of poverty, Gandhi signed up his wife and kids for a life of poverty, like it or not, even after he died (and whether or not he did this while shtupping a German weight-lifter is besides the point). He was a noble man, but a shitty husband and father.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 23, 2011
If treatments were always beneficial, and people were always rational, and life was always fair, it would be easy to figure out how much help a person needs. Unfortunately, treatments often poop out, and people often embrace or reject treatment for the wrong, often irrational, reasons, and life is just a cruel mess. So deciding how much real, imperfect treatment to use in real, imperfect situations requires courage, acceptance of your limitations (and those of treatment), and the conviction to tell the unfairness of the world to go fuck itself, you’re going to keep trying, anyway.
–Dr. Lastname
Although I’m usually a big fan and praise your blog endlessly, this recent post [“Helping Head,” 6/17/11] isn’t a “like.” Eating disorders are treatable to full remission. In fact, the pervasive idea out there that people just struggle endlessly and that treatment doesn’t really work is self-fulfilling and even dangerous. Please consider re-considering. There’s new science on this!
Without irony, I can say that treatment for eating disorders is effective. In other words, I agree with you, except that the word “effective” has a hook in it.
“Effective” is the word most favored by drug companies because it implies no guarantees, solutions or cures, just that the treatment in question produces results that are better than no treatment at all.
Unfortunately, it does not mean completely effective, or effective for everyone, all the time. (And it also may cause dry mouth, constipation, etc., etc.). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
