Posted by fxckfeelings on July 25, 2013
The phrase, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going,” is a bit unclear; after all, in a tough situation, you can either buckle down and get more focused or just give up and get going outta there. Trying harder or just giving up both give us a sense of control, but no matter where the tough go, either choice can easily make things worse. So when life becomes difficult, first assess the odds that more work will yield more positive results. Then, if there’s no way out of a tough spot, respect yourself for what it takes to eat shit and stay put. And no matter what, always make careful use of your clichés.
–Dr. Lastname
I know my adult daughter is a terrible avoider and procrastinator—she struggled all throughout school, and only graduated from college with a lot of help—but she made great progress a year ago after we developed a schedule and daily to-do list, and she was very good about using me as her coach. After her last lay-off, however, she lost steam and started looking depressed—she stopped getting up on time, keeping up with her calls, getting exercise, going through her mail, etc. She’s not totally incapacitated and we still talk every day, but she’s vague about what she’s actually accomplished. I’m thinking we should start over and develop a new system for evaluating what she needs to do and tracking whether she’s done it. When I talk with her about starting a new system, however, she gives me more vague answers, which leaves me frustrated and very, very worried. I’ve got to find some way to push her or she’ll never get going and then it will become more and more difficult for her to resume her career. She’s almost 30, and I can’t push her forever.
Throughout time, humans have developed useless-yet-comforting rituals to ease us through hopeless situations; from ducking and covering through a nuclear blast to stocking up on duct tape during an orange alert, there’s nothing like an empty ritual to distract you from the fact that, ultimately, you’re totally fucked.
As such, the good news is, you’ve done everything right by your daughter to help her manage procrastination by drawing up a schedule and to-do list and offering to track them with her. The bad news is that all those positive steps sometimes lead nowhere, and trying to figure out a new system at such a time might be about a useful as hiding under a desk to avoid a mushroom cloud. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 22, 2013
If you’ve ever driven in bad weather and started to lose control of your car, you know that your instincts, for better or worse, are to panic and let the wheel spin where it may or grip the wheel with white knuckles and try to overpower nature itself. Sadly, a lot of people react the same way when tragedy sets their own lives skidding off course, and no matter how much you understand their pain, you can’t stop them when they begin to slide. If that happens, however, to someone you share a life with, you may be able to straighten them out by following through on your own priorities and assuring them that your way, and your support, will help them retake their place at the wheel.
–Dr. Lastname
I know he can’t help it, but my husband has become a control freak and I can’t stand it. It started when our daughter was born with cystic fibrosis. She’s has been in an out of the hospital her whole life and the stress for us as parents is often overwhelming. My husband does an amazing job of keeping us organized and getting our daughter to her appointments—he was going to be a stay-at-home dad even before she got sick—but he’s also become overbearing and picky about everything we do, especially everything I do, which isn’t the way he was when we first married. I hate to criticize him when I know what’s driving him crazy and our first priority is sticking together, but I find I’m angry at him all the time and sad that we can never be close. Just because I’m not as obsessive as he is about our daughter doesn’t mean I don’t care. What can I do?
Let’s assume, for the moment, that you’ve gone through your best attempts to get your husband to see that he has become too controlling; you’ve tried to find him an ear, show him respect, and done everything short of shaking him really hard, all to no avail. In his campaign to control everything, he can’t control himself.
While getting physical is always a bad idea, so is trying to get persuasive. Instead, use your modest powers to draw the line and give him a hard time if he crosses it. This is the only way to find out whether he’s can learn to hold back for the sake of your marriage, or whether you need to put your marriage on hold. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 18, 2013
Saying that being depressed just means being sad is like saying that having cancer means feeling nauseous; depression involves a lot more than misery, including anxiety, self-doubt, exhaustion, physical pain, and even nausea, depending on the individual. Some people are always at least a little depressed because they’re never satisfied with themselves, and others have severe symptoms but only briefly after special disappointments. In either case, until depression gets it’s own chemo-like treatment, people can seldom cure their symptoms. They can, however, learn to think more positively about their lives while not confusing the pain of symptoms with failure or character defects, or the pain of life with depression in general.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a very demanding and high pressure job, part of which is done in public, so when I make a mistake, I can’t stop thinking about it or beating myself up. I always think the worst, even for the minor stuff, but I don’t understand why. I accept mistakes in others, why can’t I accept them in myself? I am not arrogant or self-important; just the opposite, I often think I’m the dumbest, most inept person in the room. I’ve had some success but I always attribute that to external forces, not anything I’ve done. This is starting to really affect my life. I cry a lot. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
The fact that you got such a demanding and high pressure/profile job probably means that you have what it takes to get it done, but part of what helped you get it and do it well is being ultra-conscientious, which means worrying, self-criticism, and now, probably, depression. Circle of life, meet circle of strife.
The good side of worry and anxiety is that they drive you to work harder and look out for mistakes. Worriers succeed, not to keep my industry alive, but because worry-genes help people survive and multiply. The negative side of these genes, however, is that they set you up for negative thinking and depression. Anxiety and depression are just two sides of the same miserable coin. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 8, 2013
What’s a reasonable demand on some isn’t so reasonable for others, i.e., asking someone to hit a baseball 500 feet isn’t fair unless that someone is David Ortiz. You might think it’s more acceptable to ask someone who wasn’t raised by wolves to do their dishes, or to not have to ask someone with a phone to use it once in a while. Unfortunately however, the people who don’t treat you properly, can’t, and aren’t going to, for one reason or another, so trying to set things straight makes them worse. Instead, learn to screen people for their ability to treat you (and others) in what you consider a reasonable manner. Then, once you become friends, roommates, or partners, you won’t have to worry too much about whether they do their share, since you agree on a set of standards for behavior (and not baseball talent).
–Dr. Lastname
Admittedly I like things neat and clean, but I don’t expect too much from a roommate—she’s got to be a real slob to get me upset, which, unfortunately, my current roommate is, and has. She dumps dishes in the sink without rinsing them, never fills or empties the dishwasher, never tidies up, and doesn’t pay the rent until I’ve nagged her 2 or 3 times. The last time this happened with a roommate, I tried leaving notes taped to the dishwasher and sink saying, “Please don’t leave un-rinsed dishes in the sink. Thank you.” And “Please run the dishwasher whenever it’s full. Thank you.” I thought polite reminders would be helpful, but she seemed to resent the notes and stopped talking to me. My goal is to get my roommate to do her share without starting a war.
Sadly, there is no such thing as a “polite reminder,” just passive nudges, put into writing. To a bad roommate, you’re a nagging parent, making the rules of the house, and to you, as we always say, a bad roommate is like a crappy pet, like a lizard or hamster, who needs you to feed them and clean their cage while they nap in the sun.
What you’re looking for is a fair world, and to get that, you need magic, not Post-Its. Parents, of course, have magical superpowers at their disposal—overwhelming muscular superiority, tight fiscal control, and a stranglehold on the entire food supply—and they are often reduced to tears. So give it your best, but be prepared for failure/splitting the rent with an angry humanoid ferret.
You’ve already discovered the risk of offering reminders and suggestions to someone who is always fucking up; you feel you’re putting in extra work to help her do what shouldn’t require reminding. She feels her parents are criticizing her for being the poorly mannered, lazy fuck-up she’s always been. In our weaker moments, we shrinks call that “transference,” as a way of explaining why some of our patients hate us when we’re just trying to help. Now that you’ve been a transference-butt (technical term), you know why you should drop the notes idea. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 24, 2013
If you have problems being alone, you’re just as screwed as the guy who has problems committing to being with someone else; either way, you’re both in a bad situation, either sticking around with a bad thing or leaving a good thing because fear, not self-respect, is dictating your decisions. If you’re prepared to apply reasonable standards to your relationships, however, and stand by those standards, you can develop confidence in your ability to protect yourself from bad relationships as well as bad fears. You don’t necessarily have to love yourself to love someone else, but you do have to stop screwing yourself out of love altogether.
–Dr. Lastname
I always felt the one thing I needed for happiness was to find a guy who loved me as much as I loved him, but that I’d probably never find him, because relationships with guys either never last or they get one-sided, or both. So when I found someone I loved who really cared about me, I began to feel that I could finally relax and trust someone. The trouble is, I now have a man I love so much but he keeps doubting my love, and he’s controlling about the friends I keep, how I dress, where I go and if I miss a call he calls back to argue with me. What should I do? I am feeling hurt and lost but at the same time I feel I can’t do without him.
No matter what your heart may tell you, the only person you can’t live without is yourself. The only exceptions to this rule are conjoined twins (who might actually share a heart) and dogs who happen to read advice websites.
That’s why it’s foolish to scare yourself then into thinking you’re more dependent or desperate than you really are. You coped with loneliness before, so you can do it again, especially now that you’ve acquired the wisdom that you not only deserve someone who can love you back, you someone who isn’t a suspicious, controlling Asshole™. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 13, 2013
Parents can be responsible for making sure their kids are clothed, bathed, and fed, and even the bathing part is a stretch if your kid is a teenaged boy. After that, almost everything is out of a parent’s hands, especially behavior. Under normal circumstances, there’s lots you can do to help a kid control his bad behavior, assuming you stay positive, provide him with effective limits, and encourage him to endure whatever internal demons and nasty frustrations are flipping him out. Under abnormal circumstances, however, you may well do everything, accomplish nothing, and find it’s better redirecting your energies to where they’ll do more good, even if it’s just making sure they have some soap.
–Dr. Lastname
My twelve-year-old daughter can be difficult with her father and she’s not always respectful to her teachers, but she’s basically a good kid and I can count on her to do her homework and be reasonably nice to her sibs. Lately, however, I’ve been getting more complaints than usual and I’ve noticed that she looks pretty irritable and unhappy most of the time. I don’t want to come down too hard on her, but I don’t want to ignore the fact that I’m responsible for how she behaves and she hasn’t been particularly nice to people. My goal is to figure out how to take her problem seriously without making her feel I’m too critical.
When you feel responsible for your child’s behavior—or your dog’s, or even just your own weight or success—then you feel obliged to get it under control. Unfortunately, responsibility and control do not go hand-in-hand; if your kid is spoiled, needs a talking-to, and has the ability to learn from it, then a conversation might work. Otherwise, think again, because you’re trying to control what even she cannot.
In this case, you’re suggesting that your daughter already knows what she should be doing but that something is bringing out the worst in her. A serious talk about her behavior may help her stop, but there’s a danger, particularly if you sound too angry or moralistic, of worsening her mood, provoking self-hate, and stimulating defiance or self-harm. You both want the same thing, but frustration will make it even more impossible. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 6, 2013
When it comes to drinking, or really any addiction, it’s hard to stop without a “good reason,” especially if you think there’s a better reason not to quit. Then there’s the expectation that, if you really need to stop, the good reason fairy will visit you in the middle of the night to let you know (usually while you’re sleeping in a stranger’s bed, in a dark alley, or a puddle of puke). In reality, it’s up to the drinker to decide if s/he has to stop, and rational thinking about drinking doesn’t require a degree in addictionology. All you need is discipline to gather facts, courage to look at them, and determination to use good reasoning to do what you think is best for yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve lived alone since my daughter left for college (my wife died years before) and I wonder if I’m drinking too much. I’m good enough at my job, but the head of our office doesn’t respect me and I wonder if I’ll have to move on. I’ve always had a tendency to get depressed and I see a therapist, but my antidepressant medication doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t sleep well. I’m not sure drinking is doing any harm and it certainly eases the pain, but I do get completely drunk every night, and it’s become the highlight of my day. I’ve got no friends currently, but I’ve never been a sociable guy so it doesn’t interfere with my social life, and since I’m alone, I get no complaints from friends or family. No harm done. I’m healthy and my hangover isn’t bad, so I wonder whether my drinking is worth worrying about, or whether I should just focus on getting help for my depression.
To paraphrase the old koan, if a person falls into excessive drinking without anyone around to become concerned, does it make that person a drunk? Nobody can ask the tree if it thinks it made a sound, but since you’re a person, you’re not just able, but the only one qualified, to answer the question.
You might be persuaded that you’re drinking too much if a therapist suggested you were using it to escape painful feelings, or if a spouse complained, but then later on you might decide that there’s nothing wrong with escaping when life sucks and your spouse has no right to complain because her nagging drives you to it. Outside opinion is as easy to ignore as the sound of one hand clapping. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 3, 2013
No one controls the nature of their sexual needs, including their strength, timing, and target, but we all have reason to control what we do with them. That’s why “I couldn’t help it” is never a convincing alibi, for either sexual indiscretion or disinterest, because even the most impulsive and passive people can manage their impulses with enough effort. Sooner or later, the difference between getting sexual satisfaction and being a good partner creates a conflict that tests your ability to remember and act on your values, regardless of where your needs want to take you. That’s when you need to find the strength to “help it,” whether it is your needs, your relationship, and/or yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife, but I’ve always had a taste for sex with prostitutes, even though it costs more money than I can afford, and getting married two years ago didn’t made a difference to my bad habits. My wife works hard and we pool our incomes, so she hasn’t noticed that we have less money than might be expected from the salary I make. I hate myself when I do it, and I don’t much enjoy it, so I can’t figure out why I haven’t been able to stop. I guess I’m an impulsive person, because there are corners I cut at work that might get me fired and I haven’t been able to stop that either. I must have a deep desire to get myself into trouble. My goal is to figure out what’s wrong with me and be more normal.
The biggest reason not to waste your time trying to figure out why you can’t stop spending money you don’t have on prostitutes is that you’ve already got your answer; you’re an impulsive guy, always have been, even when it fucked up your self-interest and ran against your moral values. You’re like Columbo, knowing who the perp is all along (but that makes you the guilty party, as well).
Being called impulsive isn’t meant as criticism, just a description of a big problem that usually remains a mystery when anyone tries to explain it, or understand why one person has it and another doesn’t. The question isn’t why–the answer to that is the same as to the answer to “why are whores so pricey?,” because life’s unfair–but what to do about it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2013
While we all work for a boss in one way or another, it’s safer to do so strictly for the paycheck, instead of the emotional reward of approval. Otherwise, caring too much about whether the boss appreciates your performance can ruin your job satisfaction, even when you know you’ve done it well, or spark you into self-destructive rebellion. So the best thing to do is not work too hard for the boss, the Man, or the Woman; it’s to become your own judge of what constitutes a good day’s work and a reasonable worker’s boss, judge yourself accordingly, and keep getting paid.
–Dr. Lastname
I loved my job at the nursing home for the first 20 years or so, and we were a great team, but the last ten years have been much harder, mainly because we had to move further away because of my wife’s work and I’ve had a tough 90 minute commute each way ever since. I worked extra hard, stayed late, and continued to do the job pretty well, but between being tired and older, I stopped enjoying it and I think my boss was less happy with me. I needed the work, however, so I soldiered along and never got a bad performance review, though it was hard feeling my boss and I were no longer as friendly as we used to be. Six months ago I decided it was time to retire—the kids have graduated college and the pension isn’t bad—so I announced it to my boss, and since then it’s gotten more painful. He didn’t hide his relief and immediately hired my replacement, whom I’m supposed to train. My goal is to get over feeling like I’ve failed at the job that I gave most of my life to, since they’re really glad to see me go.
No one who labors for ten years at a job requiring a three-hour daily commute in order to support his family and secure a pension should ever consider himself a failure, let alone give a shit what anyone else thinks, especially on your way out.
If your boss is eager to see you go, then that’s his problem; you gave him many years of good work and dedicated service, and countless hours suffering through gridlock and morning zoo radio shows. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 20, 2013
It’s appropriate that singer Mary J. Blige had a hit singing, “I just wanna be happy” since her best songs were about being miserable. Everybody thinks they want happiness, but like wealth, fame, and everything else on Blige’s own episode of Behind the Music, happiness is too erratic and temporary to set your hopes on, and concerning oneself too much with it is a good way to get a headache and feel like a loser. Instead, think hard about the values that give you direction, whether you’re happy or not. If they’re good values, they’ll always take you in the right direction and will give you strength, regardless of whether you have another hit.
–Dr. Lastname
I fell in love with the wonderful work I was doing in South Africa, but in the two years since I returned to the States, I still struggle with connecting and finding friendships or a relationship with meaning. In South Africa, I worked with an organization that rehabilitated inner-city gang kids to get them back in the public school system. The experience was life changing. I fell in love with the children I worked with, the mentality of the locals, the culture, and the relationships I built with like-minded volunteers. Unfortunately, since I’ve been back, my connections with my friends were no longer the same because they could not relate to the life and experiences I lived abroad. I’m in my mid-20s, and my life is good in many ways, but most of my friends are getting married, having children, or going to graduate school now, and I am at a stand still…stuck in time with memories I wish I was still living. I want to be able to relate and understand the people in my life. I want to feel fulfilled and in love with my surrounding and the life I’m living again.
The trouble with wonderful, life-transforming jobs is that they don’t actually transform your life, just your expectations. The stars align for a brief period of self-discovery and fulfillment, but then the earth keeps rotating, and the stars shift away again.
Even though good times like that inherently can’t last, they still leave you feeling that, if you were able to find it once, you should be able to find it again. Unfortunately, good luck, like bad luck and the earth on its axis, moves on, whether you like it or not, sometimes leaving you not just with a sense of loss, but also of having missed the boat. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
