Posted by fxckfeelings on April 19, 2009
We’re starting the week with both sides of the relationship coin; the rejected and the rejector. If the advice seems cold–and our relationship advice often does–please remember that, like love, the truth hurts.
–Dr. Lastname
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t usually succumb to romantic whim, but when this guy came along who seemed so thoughtful, and forthright, and eager to get married and have kids, I was completely swept off my feet. He traveled a lot for work, but we’d talk all the time, and he’d always say how much he missed me and longed to see me again, send me little care packages and love notes. Then, on the day he was to return for a long stay, he walked into our apartment and told me he couldn’t see me anymore. Just like that. He said he was doing me a favor by cutting it off before he did something really awful, but I have no idea what that means. If he wanted fun and romance, I would have hung around for that for a little while at least, so why did he bring up marriage and kids if he was just messing with me? Besides, I find it really hard to believe he’s that much of an asshole to fuck with me on purpose. He was so kind! My goal is to figure out what the hell happened, because one second he wanted to get married, and the next second he wants out of my life for good, and I refuse to believe I can’t snap him out of this and go back to the way we were.
It may sound mean to say fuck feelings to someone who is suffering from a breakup, but when love is the issue, look how dangerous your feelings become if you don’t balance them with a solid wall of hard information and good common sense. Love is blind. You don’t know, when you fall in love with somebody and they appear to fall in love with you, whether they’re the steady type or like Georgy Porgy: in and out of love every few months. Georgy Porgys exist, and they’re heart-breakers. They’re a major reason you must go slow and check for references when love is too good to be true. And that’s a positive lesson you can take away from this experience: learning not to trust your feelings unless they’re backed by facts.
Don’t take this loss personally. Grief can make you question your attractiveness, intensify your loneliness, and make you more vulnerable to no-win lovers. Instead, remind yourself that you did nothing wrong, you’re not unlovable, life is a jungle, and the only thing you need to change is not your personality, but your screening technique.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 8, 2009
Today we’re doing two long cases that are a good introduction to an important life-lesson; the difference between crazy people and assholes. Yes, there is a difference, and we’ll let the cases explain the rest.
If you have an impossible person in your life, let us know. Especially since, if that person’s truly crazy or an asshole, your friends are probably sick of hearing about it.
—Dr. Lastname
I’ve been living in this house for 20 years, but it wasn’t until last year that my neighbor decided to declare war on me and my family (word is that he used to torture the family in the house on his other side until they moved away). This crazy jerk is trying to push me out of my home by putting trash in my driveway, killing my roses (which he says are too close to his fence, whatever that means), and, when I replant the roses or put the trash in his driveway, calling the police and making false complaints about me! I call the police on him right back, but he won’t stop, and I’m about to lose it. Unlike that other family, we are NOT going to move—I’m very involved in neighborhood matters, and I’m not moving my kids—so I need to figure out a way to get this crackpot to stop. My goal is to teach this nut-job who’s boss and get him to back off.
As much as it’s your job to protect your family, you must also remember that there’s no way to protect anyone from a true nut-job. A true nut-job is sure you’re out to get him, and every conversation you have, whether reasonable or intimidating, loud or soft, juices up his conviction that you’re at war. There’s no known treatment. If he were a crook or selfish, you could appeal to his self-interest, but a true nut-job is like a religious zealot who cares nothing for pain or cost because he’s on a mission from God. There are people like that, and there’s no way to win. Knowing now that you can’t teach a lesson to someone who thinks they know the One Truth, that you’re their enemy, you can see how your goal isn’t a reasonable one.
Of course, while you can’t win, you can’t exactly lose, either, because his issue with you isn’t personal. Whatever the craziness that exists in his brain, it’s already destroyed him as a person, and it’s that craziness that’s attacking the two of you. The craziness is also a lot more powerful than anything else, especially reason, so retaliation is futile. Your job is to approach your neighbor as you would an irritable bear: play dead and hope that the bear eventually loses interest and goes away.
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