Posted by fxckfeelings on August 15, 2011
If you’re going to get into a fist fight, you should certainly size up your opponent before you take the first swing. The same is true for verbal arguments, especially when they’re with those close to you; you may feel entitled to lay into your spouse/sibling with blow after blow of invective, but if s/he fights dirty, or if you turn out to be outnumbered, you’re better off putting your dukes down, or, even better, rejecting the brawl all together. After all, you have a choice beyond standing up or shutting up; if you believe that you’ve done no wrong, then you have the power to shut it down.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know if my goal is to be less critical of my husband, or for my husband to be less sensitive to criticism. Here’s an example: the other day, he almost ran out of gas when we were on a trip together, so I asked him why he didn’t just stop when he had the chance, and he said it’s because I said I was in a hurry and made him tense, and that I always distract him and get him to make mistakes. In other words, his mistake became my fault. Then I stopped talking, and he accused me of giving him the silent treatment and being unwilling to talk things out, but really, if I’d opened my mouth I would have let him have it, and he probably would’ve crashed the car in a rage and blamed me for distracting him. So you tell me if there’s a better goal than just shutting the fuck up and keeping my distance.
If only there was a service, or maybe just an app, that could determine which spouse had the nastier tone of voice in a marital dispute, because in marriage, it’s so often not what you say, but how you say it. That’s why men are always encouraged to just keep their mouths shut and let the roses or diamonds do the talking.
What you’re really asking, however, is not whether you were right to be annoyed or wrong to criticize your husband, but whether his negative response justifies your distancing yourself.
In other words, you can’t decide whether withdrawal is necessary, or if you’re just sulking. So it’s not what or how he says it, but what or how (or if) you should say something back.
The answer isn’t to submit your argument to the court of internet psychiatric opinion, but to decide for yourself when it’s right to withdraw, whether or not you’re angry and/or hurt. Some people would say that the only way to get through a marital argument is to share your feelings, try to solve the problem, and never go to bed angry. I would bet money those people are single. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 1, 2011
The Bible is too black-and-white to be helpful about the necessity of brother-keeping; so sayeth the Lord, we’ll never feel like good people if we don’t care about our families. The trouble is, some relatives are dangerous or draining to be around, and we’ve got other obligations. So forget about absolute moral imperatives and develop your own rules for being a good person when responding to the needs of people you love (but have good reason not to like or trust). And so it was written.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m wondering whether I should try to do something to help my ex who I feel is spiraling into unhealthy (mentally and physically) old age (i.e., be my brother’s keeper rather than “let live”). He’s been acting weird, keeping strange pets and stranger company, and he moved to a rough part of town though he has the money to live wherever he wants. It’s like he’s having a late-life crisis. I know he’s got a bunch of medical problems and I wonder whether he’s taking care of himself. My goal is to figure out how far I should push him to get help.
Whether or not you should be your brother’s, or your ex’s, keeper is a meaningless question if you expect the answer to be yes or no. Nothing involving exes is simple (even their pets).
If you’re actually wondering how far you should go, that’s a terrific question for which there’s a good way to develop an answer of your own. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 4, 2010
Rebuilding anything, from a family post-separation to the entire Gulf coast, is an arduous, often painful process. Strong leadership goes a long way towards aiding the operation, and in the case of divorce, a leadership duo is potentially stronger and has a lot more to offer the kids. Yes, there’s pain, but if you can ignore it as you try to figure out old relationships and make new ones, you can make the repairs without losing the foundation (or wetlands) altogether.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t hate my stepbrother, but the fact is, he’s kind of a loser. He doesn’t work hard in school, he doesn’t play sports, and all he really seems to do is play video games and hang out with the stoners doing what stoners do. I take 3 AP classes and I’m on the basketball team, and I’m not saying that to brag, but because that means I’m always busy at practice or with homework (I’m trying to get a scholarship). Still, my stepfather is always asking me to do more chores in the house and help out, and never asking his own son, who doesn’t seem to be doing jack shit. I think my stepfather doesn’t like me all that much, and that, when he’s stressed, he takes it out on me, and if I tell him he’s not being fair, he gets more pissed off. My goal is to get my stepfather to see that he needs to chill and take a closer look at what he’s doing.
It’s hard, at any age, not to focus on the unfairness of authority, and it’s worse when you’re a kid, solider, or inmate. Remember, fair is the worst four letter f-word you’ll ever encounter.
The more absolute your stepfather’s power, the more you simmer when you feel his favoritism has screwed you. The trouble is, if he perceives that you’re angry and doesn’t enjoy his authority questioned, your troubles will only get worse.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 23, 2010
You can’t force people to love you, your partner, or your favorite Beatle, but as long as you’re sure you’ve made the right choice, you can learn to stand by your decision without getting drawn into a fight. Defending your choice or partner to your parents or your kids is harder than defending Ringo, so protect yourself from over-reaction with preparation, courage, and a disciplined determination to shut up. And maybe an open mind about Paul.
–Dr. Lastname
My parents have been on my case for years to find a new girl and settle down. I’m not a particularly social guy, so it took a lot of work/internet dating to find my fiancée, an amazing, down-to-earth woman who was worth all the effort. The only trouble is, I know they’re not going to be happy about the fact that she’s not Catholic. I’m barely Catholic myself—I was raised Catholic obviously, but haven’t been to church since high school—and since my fiancée doesn’t have a religious bone in her body, I’m not about to ask her to convert. Still, my parents are going to be unhappy, and I’m sure it will show and it hurts me and will probably affect how welcome my fiancée feels in our family. My goal is to get my parents to see past our faith (or lack thereof).
While we can tell you to fuck feelings, it’s not that easy to tell your parents to do the same, if only because they believe that saying “fuck” can send you to hell.
More importantly, there’s nothing you can say that will change how they feel, and trying will just make their feelings more important, which they aren’t, and trigger a conflict no one can win.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 14, 2010
While most people have multifaceted personalities (or should), there are an unlucky group whose personalities aren’t so much nuanced as they are binary; fewer shades of grey, more Jeckyll and Hyde. If you’re dealing with someone who’s double sided, or trying to hide a part of yourself from the world, it can feel like a never ending battle to reconcile and/or expose both halves. Occasionally, it’s worth exposing your secret side to end your own torment. Other times, it’s better to let people keep their Mr. Hydes to themselves if it means keeping their drama out of your own life.
–Dr. Lastname
Most people thing my mom is really fun, if a little flaky and emo, but they don’t see how crazy and mean she gets when there’s no one around but my brother and me (my parents are divorced). When she’s in a bad mood, she tells us we’ve been mean to her, and reminds us of things we’ve said that hurt her, and tells us how bad we are until we’ve apologized, and then she forgets it ever happened. There’s one cousin who’s seen what she gets like and I rely on him to remind me that it’s OK, she’s crazy, but the other day he seemed charmed by her and then, when I complained, he told me I had to get over her and not be so angry, and now I feel totally unsupported. My goal is to get someone to understand what’s going on.
Nothing gets people more stirred up than dramatically pitched false accusations and punishments by a powerful, inescapable, totally two-faced authority, like your mama.
The good news is that, while you’ve got the makings of a perfect soap opera, it sounds like you’re not getting swept away by it.
The trouble with soap operas, of course, is that they trap the good guys into endless rounds of angry, hurt reactions to crazy bad guys. In the process, they take up huge amounts of time and energy for tears and talk, talk, talk before, finally, there’s a glimmer of comfort and validation…before the cycle starts all over again.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 31, 2010
Most good people find themselves doing the same old bad things over and over. For some of us, said bad habits don’t go beyond excessive chocolate or videogame usage, but for others, “bad things” result in horrible consequences. Understanding why people are like that seldom helps, but recognizing when people are like that (whether it’s you or the other guy) can be very helpful if you accept the fact that the problem won’t go away and take responsibility for managing it as it is. You can’t change urges, but you can sure try to change results.
–Dr. Lastname
I love my work, my kids, and my wife, but I have bipolar mood swings (and I’ve taken medication for years) that lead me to do things that get me into trouble. Recently, in spite of the medication, I felt a surge of energy and started to stay up late, sneak into my studio and paint. I’ve also started to drink again. I don’t want to change meds or let people know what’s happening because I want to keep my options open. I love the highs and the freedom, and I hate being told what to do, but I’ve got a demanding day job that doesn’t involve painting, and a wife who doesn’t like it, to say the least, when I’m not honest. So my goal is to get myself under control before people catch on to what’s really happening.
There are few fathers and husbands who can’t identify with the goal of wanting to feel special, have time to themselves, and avoid humiliating comments about eating, drinking, toileting or sleeping habits from their next of kin.
The fraction of these fathers who are dealing with mental illness and addiction to alcohol don’t want to be asked if they’ve been taking their medication or started drinking.
So, if your goal is to avoid immediate disrespect and hang on to your secret Van Gogh identity a little longer, then keep doing just what you’re doing.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2010
Parent/child conflicts can get particularly brutal when people are scared for and determined to save one another. Emotions run stronger, stakes are higher, and the gloves are never on. Instinctively, kids and parents fight for control and submission, and regard it as defeat to accept a new reality and get over it. The reason the instinct is so foolish is because control is impossible, so the battle becomes endless. Conflicts like these need to be handled with great care; they must call them kid gloves for a reason.
–Dr. Lastname
When my mother starting dating my soon-to-be-step-father, I was upset. It’s not just that my father had only died six months earlier, but that this guy was clearly a user and a nowhere near good enough for her. I’m in college, so at least I didn’t have to live under the same roof as this jerk, but I’ve already gone out of my way to avoid him and it’s really annoyed my mom that I haven’t tried to get along with him. Plus it means I’ve spent last time with her, and we used to be really close. When she told me they were going to get married, I freaked out, and now she’s says that if that’s how I feel then I’m not invited to the wedding. I think what my mom and I need is a face-off to get everything on the table and sort out this mess. My goal is to get my mom back.
You’ve got every reason to worry about your mother’s taste in men and its impact on your relationship; after all, her choice has the potential to cause you (and possibly her) great pain, at a time when you’re grieving your father’s death.
Unfortunately, however, all you can do is worry, and after that, you’re fucked. There’s nothing you can do to make things better and lots to make things worse.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 10, 2010
Everyone wants a feel-good, look-good family, but most of us relate to the more familiar feel-bad families on TV (which look good, and feel better by the end of the show). Still, there’s a difference between your average dysfunctional family unit and your genetic/step-parent clusterfuck. When your family situation is in truly bad shape, you’ve got to be tough enough to accept what you’ve got, then focus on making the best of those impossible relationships, outsider opinions be damned. Unlike those TV families, real problems don’t get solved after a half-hour, not everybody’s pretty, and you have to ignore your ratings with the audience.
–Dr. Lastname
I need to stay married because, while I work a pretty demanding job, my wife stays at home and watches our two kids, whom she adores. The problems are, however, (and there are many): she doesn’t work because of a migraine disorder that’s so debilitating that she’s on disability, and she takes too many non-prescription pain pills for those headaches, and, while they don’t make her a bad parent (I know the kids are safe), they often make her, in your words, a really needy, grumpy asshole and an impossible woman to be married to. I never know when she’s going to kick me out of the bedroom, scream at me in front of friends, or nod off after dinner. Needless to say, she won’t try marriage counseling or cutting back on the pills and thinks I’m bullying her if I suggest we have a problem. I can’t leave her, because it’d break the kids’ hearts, plus, like I said, she provides childcare, which is not something I could afford on my salary, and if I lost custody of the kids, I’d be in a worse hell than I am now. I know I can’t leave, but I don’t think I can live like this much longer. My goal is to find a better way to survive.
You’ve got good marital reasons for staying vs. leaving (the kids, the kids, the kids, and money, but also, the kids). There’s no escaping the fact, however, that her headache is infectious, and you’ve got it, too.
You’ve obviously built up a good, solid tolerance for living with your wife’s problems without fighting all the time, and your values and perspective are great. Which is why you probably already know that your goal is impossible.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 29, 2010
All parents worry that they’re going to do something, from letting the kids watch too much TV to getting them bad haircuts, that will screw up their children for life. Worse is watching your co-parent, whether or not you’re still together, do the child-dooming while you have to watch. Your instinct is to protect the brood at all costs, but think twice, because doing so will probably cause way more damage than a mullet ever could.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-wife was never that solid, but even I was surprised when she left me for her yoga instructor, who’s also a total fuck-up. I agreed to joint custody because our daughter deserves to know her mother, no matter how stupid her mother is, but my wife’s visitation falls on the same days as our daughter’s ballet classes, and, wouldn’t you know, my ex- doesn’t have a car (her boyfriend crashed the one she got from me), so she tells me, in front of our daughter, that I’m selfish if I don’t drive the two of them to ballet and back, on her visitation day. It makes me nuts, because I can’t figure out a way to say “no” without disappointing my daughter and looking like a meanie. My goal is to stop my ex-wife from using our daughter to manipulate me.
Attempting to stop your ex-wife’s visitation blackmail is never a good goal; it makes you reactive to her ability to make you feel guilty and/or look bad, rather than to your own ideas about what constitutes an appropriate sacrifice for your child’s welfare.
Besides, you can’t stop her from using your worries about your daughter to push you around. Basically, your ex-wife can fart in your face whenever she wants, even when you’re behind the wheel. She’s already stunk up your marriage.
If you accept and ignore humiliation (and bad smells), however, you can focus on the more important goal you’ve already embraced, which is doing what’s necessary for your daughter’s well-being.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 25, 2010
If you hate someone or something for reasons beyond your control, then those feelings are, in essence, beyond your control, so resistence is essentially futile. Hating something is one thing, but then feeling guilty for hating, then angry for feeling guilty, depressed for feeling angry…so it goes down the feelings spiral, down the emotional toilet.
–Dr. Lastname
When I broke up with my girlfriend, I felt like I didn’t have a choice; she was smothering me, she made me feel guilty and like a bad person all the time, and I just couldn’t take care of her anymore. We’d been together for a relatively long time and I had reached the end of my rope (she’d even started hitting me and breaking things in our apartment). The problem is now that I feel even worse because, in the months since I ended it and she moved out, she’s started getting high a lot and has threatened to kill herself more than once. If she goes through with it, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. My goal is to feel less awful about breaking up with her (which I did to feel less awful).
As a not-sociopath, you can’t feel less than awful about your ex-girlfriend’s drugging, depression, and self-destruction.
It’s the feeling responsible, as well as awful, that will not only do nothing to help her recovery, but will also turn your sorrow into well-entrenched, call-the-doctor depression. So…Dr. Lastname here, how can I help you?
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
