Posted by fxckfeelings on May 7, 2012
Particularly when you’re expecting to raise kids, there are good reasons to commit yourself to caring for your partner through thick and thin, sickness and health. What you should recognize from the beginning, however, is that uncontrollable, bad things can happen that can make a partnership dangerous and destructive to one or more family members and then it’s your responsibility, as an individual, to do what’s necessary. Mental and neurologic illness can change personalities and create overwhelming burdens. Unrecognized character problems are equally uncontrollable and can have a similar impact. When you take your vows, keep this in mind and remember, many people who divorce are trying to choose the least of the evils that face them and haven’t forgotten the promises they made.
–Dr. Lastname (Doctor only today– the writer half is under the weather)
When I was manic and crazy, I really fucked up my marriage. For 6 months, I was talking fast, flinging money around, drinking hard, sleeping with anyone I could catch, and generally acting like an asshole. The third time I went into the hospital, the doctors found a medication that worked and, since then, I’m back to my old self but my wife has decided it’s all over. She goes out without me whenever she can and acts like she’s angry whenever we’re together. I can understand her feelings, but she won’t accept my apology. For the last 6 months, I’ve shown her my old, reliable self, but I can’t win back her trust. The problem is my bad; I should be able to make it right.
We all want marital vows to overcome whatever bad things life throws at us, and so we promise to care for our partners through thick and thin, unconditionally.
What’s stupid about such promises, however, is that some of those bad things are the size of an asteroid and can wipe out any marriage, regardless of how strong the love and commitment, and feeling obliged to stick with vows that have no escape clauses can drive you crazy.
Yes, your wife should forgive you for having a manic episode: you couldn’t help it and the part you can help—taking your medication—you’re doing well. It takes courage to resume your life and face the people you know after the humiliation and chaos of acting like a crazy jerk.
The sad thing that can’t be helped isn’t your illness; it’s your wife’s reaction to it. I assume you and others have done all you can to educate her about it and you’ve had a good opportunity to show her what your values are and regain her confidence, now that you’re well again. If it hasn’t worked, it’s not because there’s something wrong with your approach: it’s probably because there’s something wrong with your wife’s character. She just doesn’t have the strength.
Look at her closely, and you’ll probably find she’s never had the strength, meaning that she’s never been able to keep a relationship going if it hurt her too much. That’s why it’s important, when looking for a partner, to find someone who’s shown an ability to stick by her friends and family regardless of hurt. It’s a quality that’s even more important than the fact that you love one another. Without it, you’re fucked. Now you know.
So don’t make yourself responsible for her reaction, as sad as it is. You didn’t cause your illness or give her the character she has. Don’t apologize. Don’t beg. Let her know you understand your illness put her through a very hard time, but that you’re confident that you’ve recovered and that you can again be a good partner. Maybe surviving this hard time has made you stronger and wiser. In any case, if she still wants the partnership, it’s hers; if not, you both need to move on.
You need someone strong who can still love you after a manic episode, and she needs someone lucky who doesn’t get sick.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I destroyed my marriage and it’s my job to get it back, but I know I didn’t cause my illness, and I’m proud of the way I manage it. I can’t help it if my wife can’t tolerate it, but I know I need a wife who can.”
After her last hospitalization a year ago, my wife didn’t recover all that much, and she’s gradually become very different from the woman I married. Her psychiatrists tell me there’s no new treatment to try (she didn’t tolerate clozapine, which is the Hail Mary treatment for crazy thinking) and she’s probably not going to recover much more than she has now. She’s able to keep herself clean, but she still hears voices, looks befuddled, and thinks I’m spying on her for the FBI. She can do simple chores, but she’s very distractible. Most nights, she sleeps at her mother’s house because that’s where she’s most comfortable. I’ve got used to taking care of the kids on my own, and I can’t trust her with them when she’s around. I miss her terribly and I promised to stand by her in sickness and health, but I don’t know that I can stand this much longer. I feel bad about deserting her when she really can’t help it, but taking care of her and the kids is more than I can manage.
You sound like you’ve done all you can to help your wife recover from severe mental illness and it isn’t going to happen. Instead of blaming yourself or anyone else for her failed recovery, you’re facing it as a sad fact of life. What troubles you most is dealing with your marital vows to stick together through sickness and health.
Marital vows ignore the fact that some illnesses can destroy a family and present you with impossible choices. Most times, sticking together is manageable, better than the alternative, good for the kids, and the right thing to do. It’s not hard to imagine situations, however, when sticking with someone does no good for them, destroys your life, and is bad for the kids. No one likes to think of those things at a wedding, or ever.
Put aside your guilt long enough to ask yourself what she would expect of you if she were her old self and what you would expect of her if your positions were reversed. Assume that you both believe in standing by the one you love, but not if it does no good, or overwhelms the resources of the healthy partner, or endangers the kids and their future. Assess the impact she has on them and they on her. Take into account that she probably qualifies for social security/disability and may also be eligible for state services for the chronically mentally ill.
Don’t assume that the path that hurts most is the one that’s right. This is not a conflict between duty and pleasure or between selfless vows and selfishness. It’s a conflict between your responsibility to care for your wife and your assessment of the value of your sacrifice, the good it can do, and the harm it can cause to your other responsibilities.
Either way, it breaks your heart, but you have an administrative responsibility as the sole leader of the family and you need to do what will do the most good/least harm. Whatever you choose, respect yourself for bearing the burden of this choice.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I can’t leave my marriage without breaking my vows and deserting my wife when she needs me most. I can’t help the fact that she’s no longer the same person and doesn’t get much from being married to me. I’ll try to weigh the competing ethical responsibilities and do the right thing, knowing there’s no way to do right without also causing harm.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 23, 2012
Whenever you’re about to do something you feel you need to do, you’ve got to wonder whether it’s good for you. As any overweight person can tell you, we often need what we can’t have or shouldn’t get too much of, and “needs” (i.e., frosting) have a way of winning out over logic. So whether your needs are driven by depression or dreams of a better marriage, don’t let them shape your goals until you’ve asked yourself where they’ll lead, what matters most, and what you need to do to manage them. After all, the difference between a need and a want is a slippery, frosting-covered slope.
–Dr. Lastname
I constantly feel the black dog shadowing me. Mostly I can function and I pay it a gentle nod on my daily musings but every now and again the feeling is so great I want to slide on into the abyss. I may allow myself to indulge for a day or so but am careful to put in place an exit plan before I do (I know this place can feel so good but not really be good). It often takes great effort to avoid this feeling and even more so to get out of it. Lately I’ve been wondering if my approach is purely avoidance on my part rather than management. Does it really matter if it’s working? Yet I feel that slowly the effectiveness is waning and I seem to have a feeling of despair more often. Is it poor anxiety management driving the depression?
Your letter focuses so much on your subjective, “black dog” feelings of depression that I don’t know whether you A, feel seduced by the idea of taking time off to indulge sad ruminations, B, are low enough that you’re planning your suicide, or C, crave scones from the same-named bakery Martha’s Vineyard.
If the answer is B and you believe you are capable of harming yourself, you need to get away from the computer and into an emergency room right away. Since your letter doesn’t read as totally helpless (or New England-based), however, I’m going to assume the answer is A.
Your feeling-focused ambiguity leaves me (and you) uncertain as to whether your depressive time-outs are becoming worse or dangerous, by impairing your ability to work and sustain relationships. The answer is to be found in your actions, not your feelings; think less black dog, more black and white. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 19, 2012
Sure, it seems logical that love wouldn’t go from happy to hellish unless someone was doing it wrong, but that assumes that love brings out the best in people which, as any child of divorce can tell you, is far from the case. Trouble is, love has no power to improve personality deficits—just hide them from sight—so it’s easy to love someone who can’t be steady, accepting, or faithful. Instead of trying to save a failing relationship by figuring out who’s responsible for wrecking things, walk away, emerge from the underworld, and find someone who has what it takes before love even begins.
–Dr. Lastname
My father worked hard to support our family, but he never stops complaining about how hard his life has been and how he much he was disappointed by my mother, and his complaints really bother me. I guess my mother was more competent when they got married, but after my older sister was born she got depressed, took to her bed, and didn’t do much of anything for the next 20 years, which put a huge burden on the family finances. My parents stuck together and she’s able to work now, but my father has been complaining for as long as I remember. When I was a young adolescent, I’d try to console him, and then he’d get angry at me for criticizing my mother. Now when he starts to moan about his hard life, I have trouble not leaving the room. My goal is to get him to stop, or not have to listen to him.
No matter how much pain and guilt your father’s whining brings to his marriage, he’s never going to stop being a complainer. You can get him to stop complaining about your mother, but only by getting him to complain about you.
On the one hand, it’s unfortunate that he’ll never stop torturing you or your mother for giving him such a hard, sad life. On the other hand, you don’t have to accept his garbage notion that anyone is responsible for his hard, sad life in the first place. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 16, 2012
When what you’d like to change about yourself is a predominant feeling, like anxiety or depression, you end up in a double bind; you’re stressed that you feel stressed, you’re angry that you feel angry, and, especially if you’re depressed, you find yourself wanting a feeling-free existence. Since changing your personality isn’t possible, you need to settle for symptom management rather than total relief. Ultimately, certain feelings are hard to bear and feelings about feelings make them worse, but keeping feelings in check is possible, and something you can feel good about.
–Dr. Lastname
I know I have a pretty good life, but I seem to always be stressed, which seems largely self-inflicted due to my high standards for myself at work and home. I tend to overdo it trying to meet my self-imposed goals and feel stressed a lot trying to achieve, and upset when I don’t meet this standard. For example, I freak out if my work isn’t done on time, and if I don’t get all my chores done by the end of the weekend. I generally freak out if anything is in my inbox for more than a few days. My goal is to chill out and enjoy life more, instead of stressing out over impossible deadlines, and to more effectively prioritize what actually needs to be done ASAP vs. things that can wait.
There are many analogies made using the gazelles around the watering hole, but as tragic as that one weak gazelle’s fate is, at least, before he died, he wasn’t suffering from stress.
Sub a watering hole for a water cooler, and you see why stress has its advantages; to the degree that stress and high standards push you to work harder and do a better job, they help you survive. Gurus on TV tell you about the advantages of relaxation, but gazelles will tell you otherwise. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 12, 2012
Strong feelings don’t make for good decisions, but they can’t force you to make bad decisions if you follow your usual procedures. First, figure out what’s unrealistic, knowing that it usually involves getting some much desired love and/or respect. Second, do a bit of healthy sulking with a lot of sad music, movies, and/or junk food. Finally, cut the sulking, summon your courage, and figure out how to make the best of things, respecting whatever you do next. What you decide might cause some strong, bad feelings, at least at first, but if you follow these instructions, you’ll always feel good about your choices in the long run.
–Dr. Lastname
I have been in love with this guy since the first year of high school, and now I’m 23 and still think I can’t get over him! We have been good friends and that made it harder for us to share our feelings (which, by his actions and behavior, I felt he had, too) and then we kissed two or three times when we were both drunk. The first kiss was last year and the second now after one year has passed, but we decided to let that pass us because he thought I’m far better than him, and that he is a loser, which I of course don’t agree with. Eventually I tried to move on and have a relationship with this other guy from work who is great and we have a great time together, but I feel that we connect only physically, and when I was with him and saw my first love all the feelings came back to me! I don’t know what to do. If I stay in a relationship with the guy from work I would feel that it isn’t fair to him, but I clearly see no future with the guy I’m in love with.
The first step in solving any problem is deciding what you can’t change, rather than pursuing what you have the strongest feelings about. For example, you might feel really strongly that you want to eat cake all day, but you’d probably resist pursuing it since you can’t change the fact you’d blow up like a deer tick.
Problems with love are no different; it may feel like you need to satisfy an emotion, but you really just have to be realistic about your options, make up your mind about the dude/dessert, and move forward.
Of course, problems of the heart have the added bonus of drama, which, to many people, is emotional crack, with a similar corrosive effect after prolonged exposure. That’s why people pay to see opera, soap and otherwise; the more painful the yearning and misunderstanding, the better. If there are vampires involved, forget about it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 9, 2012
One of the great mysteries in human thinking is why we think pointing out a rude person’s rude behavior will lead to improvement, instead of just elicit a (way more logical) rude response. So, instead of drawing a rude friend or co-worker’s attention to their bad-manners, decide whether your relationship, personal or professional, is worth sustaining in spite of their overbearing behavior. If it is, respond politely to whatever you think needs attention and refuse to talk about anything you think does not; you can be firm if you know what your own standards are, without having to defend or retaliate. If it’s not worth it, then feel free to sever ties (politely and with the utmost tact).
–Dr. Lastname
I have a long time friend who has OCD about feet and cleanliness. Her OCD is so bad that whenever she sees someone’s bare foot touch the ground, they have to immediately wash their feet before entering her house. She recently accused me of having smelly feet when I’m in her car wearing clean socks and boots during winter. In addition, when I got a little irritated with her accusation she said, “I’m only helping you out because someday you will meet a man and he won’t like your smelly feet.” I don’t think I have smelly feet and have not gotten complaints from former boyfriends about it, nor have my other friends or co-workers complained about smelly feet. How do I tell her she’s being rude and that her OCD is getting out of control?
Wondering how to correct a friend’s rude behavior was the topic of many letters sent to the late, great Dear Abby. That said, I’m not sure she would like my answer.
Back in those days, calling friends and family on their rude behavior was the way civilized people policed the quality of social civility, like telling kids on the bus to give up their seat to an elderly person and expecting they would bow to public judgment (and not give you the finger).
The trouble is, unsolicited advice, no matter how tactful and well intentioned, is often a hard sell, even when presented to adults that aren’t naturally rude. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 5, 2012
When you’re close to someone, it’s hard not to take their actions personally, and the relationship becomes even harder if you do. If they draw back, you ask yourself what you did to make them stop caring and whether or not you deserve their punishment. In reality, however, their actions usually have less to do with you and everything to do with their personalities, for better or worse. It’s your job to protect yourself from undeserved rejections and let-downs, not pile on the punishment. There will still be suffering, but it’s not personally inflicted, and if you learn something from the whole deal, it’s not in vain.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t believe my girlfriend dumped me after 5 years without even saying good-bye. I loved her deeply and we lived together for one of those years and we were dating right up to the end. It’s true, I got high and really belligerent at a party just before she stopped talking to me. I threw up all over her, but that happened just twice in our relationship, and I put up with worse from her, including the fact that she hated to work, never had any money, and dumped any of our friends who happened to irritate her. When I recovered from that last party, she wouldn’t answer my calls. My goal is to figure out how people can say they love you and then suddenly blow you off without caring enough to write a note.
The language of love, which you’re speaking, isn’t just sweet coos—it’s also bitter whines about broken promises and sudden reversals of feeling.
Switch back to your native tongue then, because speaking love-ese will teach you nothing but how to justify your victimhood and prolong your misery. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 29, 2012
Before we discovered communication as the solution to family conflict and misunderstanding, we knew better. Back then, people thought before they spoke, believed silence was golden, and had to live without remote controls. Communication satisfies a yearning, but if you think first about your goal before opening your mouth, you’ll usually discover that it’s good to communicate a positive vision and bad to share feelings before remembering how your first-degree relative will almost certainly respond.
–Dr. Lastname
After my son left home, he became very distant and uncommunicative. Then last year, almost ten years later, he finally starting calling me regularly, then opened up and confessed he had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I was delighted by his openness and thought we were on the right track, but now, a year later, I’m starting to wonder. What now happens is, after he’s gotten wasted on one thing or another for a few days and run out of money, he calls me up to tell me how bad he feels, how sorry he is, and how much he hates himself. I try to be sympathetic, but I hate to hear his misery, I’m tired of telling him he’s really OK, and I’m angry that he doesn’t stay sober for very long and doesn’t do anything about it except dump the problem on me when he’s feeling low. My goal is to see him get better, so I don’t want to cut communication, but our talks are not working.
Shared feelings can be a good step forward if your son knows what he wants to do with himself, other than share feelings.
Hurray, he’s discovered you’re supportive and not mean, punitive or critical, and sharing with you feels good. Unfortunately, that’s his only goal. You’re not reconnecting, you’re becoming his favorite hangover cure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 26, 2012
Cancer that doesn’t kill you can nevertheless leave you with permanent damage and fears, but if you feel it’s necessary to reverse that damage or stop the fear before life re-starts, you’re taking on a fight with cancer you can’t win. Instead, try to remember the values you care about that apply to anyone and don’t depend on mental state or performance—being kind, doing your work, balancing your commitments—and take pride in pursuing them regardless. Now that you’re lucky enough to have a life after cancer, don’t allow cancer to run it or ruin it.
–Dr. Lastname
I am a 55-year-old mother, grandmother and graphic designer who was so, so, so lucky to have survived lung cancer seven years ago! But somehow in the process it has frozen me and I seem to have forgotten how to live. I mean there are dim memories and quiet, inside voices that keep pointing out my life is passing me by but I am frozen from action and I don’t know why or how. A small voice keeps looping, “Let your light shine” but again, I don’t know how. I also have fairly active rheumatoid arthritis but it’s not a big deal in comparison to lung cancer. What it mostly has meant is that I haven’t worked full-time for a few years so money is extremely tight and I want many things; mostly to travel, to be able to help my family financially, get a small house of my own…I’ve always been told that I’m artistically very talented but in reality I produce nothing anymore. What is wrong with me? Can you give me any clues or even one small place to start from? I don’t want to be hopeless and I feel that I’m not. I do still have hope but I keep drawing a blank on how to begin.
Based on what you’ve said, I suspect that, like many artists, you never used to have a problem structuring your own time because your creativity always did it for you. Inspiration begets motivation begets organization, etc.
If that’s true, then what’s troubling you now may be that you’ve lost that capacity, either as a result of depression or chemotherapy or both. You can still be creative, you just can’t do something about it as easily as you used to. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 22, 2012
Regardless of what you hear on TV about the power of exercise, fish oil, and Xenu, none of us has much control over the way we or our loved ones die. We beat death, not by postponing the inevitable, but by sustaining our most important priorities—love and commitments—in the face of helplessness, pain, and impending loss. In other words, we beat death in so much as we don’t let it take over our lives.
–Dr. Lastname
I love my wife and we’ve had a great 30 years together but, since her cardiac arrest during a heart attack, she hasn’t been the same. What I really hate is that, as much as I want to help her recover and prevent her from slipping back, she doesn’t seem to want to get better. I know she has some memory problems and isn’t steady on her feet, but her physiotherapist gave her a good set of exercises. Instead of doing them, however, she’s happy to stay in our bedroom all day and watch TV, often blowing off important medical appointments. I get furious and find myself screaming at her, which does nothing but make me feel mean and cruel. My goal is to get her to do her best to recover, because I don’t want to punish her, but I can’t stand the idea that she’s making herself worse, and then I could lose her.
People don’t age and die because we lose our fight to live; we die because we die. Fighting is merely a protest demonstration and/or holding action. Understandably, you don’t want to lose your wife, but no amount of effort on her part will stave off death forever.
We’d all prefer to believe that love and determination could drive your wife to recover from her disability, and, under some circumstances, they could (most of those circumstances, as we’ve said many times, involve a screenwriter).
Unfortunately, they often can’t, and, if her disability is not treatable, persistent pushing could make you abusive and destroy the relationship that’s her most meaningful source of support. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
