Posted by fxckfeelings on October 22, 2012
People often equate their freedom of speech with the freedom to spew, which is nothing other than the freedom to hurt themselves and others; on the other hand, exercising one’s freedom to stew and stay passive-aggressively silent isn’t much better. Rights come with responsibility, so even though you are entitled to open your mouth, you should shut up and think about consequences. Then, when you need to make an unpopular statement, you can do so with respect while protecting yourself from sounding and acting like a jerk. As the ol’ “Team America” song goes, “Freedom isn’t free,” but if the price is taking the time to consider the weight of your words, it’s worth the bill.
–Dr. Lastname
I think a father should be able to tell his son what he really thinks, so I let him know I wasn’t pleased about his not wanting to invite my sister to his wedding. I know he doesn’t particularly like her (he finds her pushy and inappropriate) and his fiancée likes her even less, but I need my sister to be there for me and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I’ve told by son I’m willing to pay for the extra plate if he’ll just do this for me, but he says I’ve always tried to control his life and he feels abused by my criticism. I don’t know how we can have a real relationship, though, if I don’t let him know when he makes me angry. My friends don’t have this problem with their kids. I don’t think it helps him to get away with being a jerk when I’ve supported him all his life and what I’m asking for isn’t such a big deal.
You’re not alone in having wedding-focused emotional needs that contradict common sense strategic goals—we’ve written before about how people foolishly think weddings have more to do with floral arrangements than a family’s future—but that doesn’t mean expressing those emotional needs, or emotions in general, isn’t a terrible idea.
Just to clarify, your strategic goal is to visit with your future grandchildren and keep your son’s marriage stable—and not by giving your son and his wife a common enemy they both hate more than they irritate one another (we’re not talking about your dear sis). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 8, 2012
Giving up on love is supposed to be a bad thing, but that’s in a world where love is always precious and beautiful, not potentially destructive and ugly. There are lots of things you love and can’t and/or shouldn’t have, and others that you can have but at an unacceptable price. The real achievement is not gaining what you love, but knowing when it’s not worth it and not losing faith entirely when you must give it up. Giving up on love isn’t always a bad thing, but giving up on delusional notions about love is always a good idea.
–Dr. Lastname
My boyfriend is a really nice guy, but for reasons that I don’t understand, I just don’t love him anymore. He says he wants us to be friends, and that’d be OK with me if he wasn’t obviously still in love with me. It’s always awkward, getting a call from him every day, and knowing he’s really waiting for my response when he emails me, that makes me very uncomfortable. If he comes by, I know he’s looking for signs that I’m seeing someone else. I know it bothers him if I tell him we can’t get together. He doesn’t press me, but I see the pain in his eyes. I feel guilty because I care about him and want to be friends, but I’d be a lot more comfortable not seeing him. I feel guilty about dumping him—he really doesn’t deserve it—but I can’t seem to find a way to stop hurting him, which is what my goal is.
One of the many risks of falling in love, besides in-laws and herpes, is falling for someone who doesn’t love you back. At that point, you technically have two choices—not seeing them, or seeing them and knowing they don’t love you—but really one option, and that is, to feel like absolute shit.
I assume you loved your boyfriend initially, so you’re not guilty of playing with his feelings, just ceasing to return them. That’s why it’s hard not to feel guilty and responsible for this impossibly painful situation, particularly if you’re former love-partner can’t let go and pleads with you for relief, not knowing he’s actually making himself feel worse (and dragging you down with him).
What you have to remember is that you didn’t write the book of love, so you’re not responsible for the way love’s bonds form and fracture. Knowing what you know, however, you are responsible for doing your best to protect yourself and others from getting hurt. That’s why you go slow in making or inviting commitment, and try not to let the thrill of falling in love or the excitement of sex determine your decisions. That’s also why you want to be a good friend to him, although the best way to do that is by cutting him off, at least for now.
Your boyfriend tells you that it hurts less if he gets to see you, but you know he’s saying that because of immediate need, not long-term vision. Trust your own observations as you ask yourself whether contact with you is doing more good than harm to either of you. Remember, the issue isn’t whether he feels much better after seeing you, but whether, with time, he shows signs of letting go and moving on. What you observe likely jibes with your experience of what usually happens; he’s hanging on, and continued contact prolongs his agony while providing temporary relief.
If that’s the case—and you must trust your own judgment in this—good friends say good-bye. Make it clear you’re not rejecting him or expressing anger or disrespect; you’re simply doing what you think is necessary and that you have more confidence in your own judgment in this situation than in his. He might get angry or hate you for a bit, and while being hated feels pretty bad, it’s the first step to getting over you, which is good for everyone.
It’s sad that you can’t protect him from hurt, but that’s not something you control or should feel guilty about. All you can do is manage the damage as well as you can and enjoy your two less-shitty choices; learning from this experience or falling in love again without a net, risking more guilt, herpes, or worse.
STATEMENT:
“I feel guilty denying friendship to a guy I’ve hurt for no good reason and like very much, but I know his feelings are too strong to allow us to be friends and that I’m the one who must force the break-up that will allow him to move on.”
I’ve had some success as an actor and I love acting, but I’m turning 40 and I haven’t been getting any callbacks recently. My wife is very supportive, and my day job isn’t bad, but we’re always short of cash and there really isn’t enough money for all the things our kids are starting to need. I’ve got to decide whether it’s worth continuing to try to do the work I love or give up and get serious about a “real life” career. It’s depressing, but my goal is to decide.
Never believe that graduation speech bullshit about how everyone is supposed to wind up doing a job they love; maybe that happens in some fair world, but not in this one. What that graduation bloviater should have said is that doing something you love for a living is wonderful, but it’s a treat that most people don’t get to experience, except sometimes and part-time.
Given that sad fact, of course you should have pursued the possibility of an acting career and done your best to get trained, prepare for auditions, and experience rejection as almost no non-performer ever experiences it…which appears to be what you did. As an actor-survivor, you must have balls of steel.
Your goal, however, is not to pursue acting till you drop; it’s to act if you can, while respecting your other priorities, which, in your case, include partnership and parenthood. It’s natural to define success in terms of acting—getting jobs/paid, critical acclaim, and the pleasure of doing it—but it’s a much more significant success, (as well as being more frustrating and painful), to balance the pull and obsession of an acting career with your other priorities and make the compromises that fit with your values.
You’re asking yourself the right questions and now it’s time to weigh your options. On the one hand, add up your love for acting, and on the other hand, the likelihood of its providing you with a living, the time to be a parent, and your own needs for other things, like security and vacations. At some point, if time is running out and your acting prospects aren’t too hot, the time for tough decisions arrives.
Don’t scare yourself by saying “that’s the death of my dream,” or, “now I have to admit to myself that I’ve failed.” Your feelings may feed that kind of negative spiral, but your job is to know better and remind yourself that you have more than one dream, that you’ve done your best to pursue them all, and that the only control you have in life, other than trying your best, is to make hard choices realistically. That may not be how fan magazines or graduation speakers define success, but that’s the grown-up definition.
STATEMENT:
“I hate backing away from acting and I’m scared that will be the end of my career, but life is short, money is tight, and I’ve got other priorities. What makes me a responsible parent and partner is that I’m ready to make tough decisions and, if they hurt, I can take it.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 1, 2012
Most humans instinctively avoid conflict—in the face of hostility, our reflex is to stay out of it, hit the deck, or make a run for it, except when we’re dealing with family, when it’s much harder to escape. That’s when we feel obliged to wheel, deal, and peace-make until the situation becomes bearable. Unfortunately, if the source of conflict can’t be quelled or appeased, trying to make peace usually makes things worse. So, until you can figure out whether you’re responsible for breaking or making the peace, give up on finding a resolution and go back to staying both out of it and true to doing what’s right.
–Dr. Lastname
I understand why my grown son wants to rest up at my place for a week before letting his mother know that he has returned home after working abroad for a couple of years—my ex-wife is sticky, needy and manipulative, which is why she’s my ex—but I’m afraid she’ll blame me for keeping our son away from her, even though it’s his choice. So my goal is to figure out how to get my son to stop feeding his mother’s paranoia about me, which will get her complaining to our other kids, who will blame me. I wish I could get this conflict to stop.
Before worrying about your ex’s tendency to blame you for things that aren’t your responsibility, ask yourself what, as a matter of principle, you think your son’s responsibilities are.
If your son’s mother wasn’t so eager to cast blame, you would probably say that he should keep her informed as a matter of showing respect and letting her know that he cares. He doesn’t owe her an explanation for which parent he chooses to see first (when your parents are divorced, you can’t stay with both), but after two years away, waiting to contact his mother for a week would be hurtful to her or any parent, even those who don’t dispense guilt with glee. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 24, 2012
Coping with the mental illness of a family member can be agonizing, and when you can’t stop destructive behavior, it feels like defeat. Trying to defeat the symptoms of mental illness, however, is like trying to win a war on weight-gain or terror—difficult, endless, and resulting in gains that are easily lost. If you learn to accept setbacks as part of the process, rather than attack them as tests of your love and will, you’ll do more to sustain morale, including yours and your family’s. Take pride in your willingness to endure a difficult, painful, and sometimes frightening relationship; you won’t win or lose a war, but you’ll gain peace.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve got an adult daughter whom I know is mentally ill—she thinks people are plotting against her, including her very nice husband—and, for the last few years, without my own husband’s help, I’ve desperately tried to persuade her to get treatment before her marriage fell apart and she got arrested for doing something violent and stupid. The harder I tried, however, the more she suspected I was part of the conspiracy. There was a ray of hope 6 months ago when she had a screaming fit one night and got locked up in a mental hospital, but the medication made no difference, and she came out more certain than ever that her husband was her worst enemy, so she left him. My husband says I’m part of the problem because I never take my daughter’s side, but my goal is to restore her to sanity, and I know my husband is in fantasyland if he thinks she’s sane and has a “side” based in reality. I’m getting nowhere, though, and my own marriage is under pressure. What do I do now?
Unfortunately, while there is no surefire cure for paranoia, pushing a paranoid person to get help is a reliable way to make it worse. After all, if somebody thinks the world is against them, disagreeing with that person only confirms their delusions. Call it the paranoia-dox.
If your daughter’s paranoia can’t be helped—and it seems you’ve tried very hard to help her—then I’m sorry, but your husband has the right idea, even if it’s for the wrong reason. By not challenging her feelings of being victimized, your husband avoids the paranoia-dox, which makes it an approach worth trying. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 20, 2012
As feelings go, guilt has as much to do with crime as love has to do with partnership; both are strong feelings that can get triggered by instant, mysterious neurologic responses, regardless of our individual beliefs about right, wrong, and what’s good for us. So, just as you shouldn’t decide someone is your soul-mate after two drinks, don’t immediately assume it’s your job to atone and/or feel better if someone’s look or tone of voice triggers feelings of guilt. Learn to tolerate that guilt until you’ve had a chance to consult your beliefs and judge for yourself. Otherwise you’ll find yourself trapped in a doomed committed relationship, whether it’s one of romance or repentance.
–Dr. Lastname
While I usually spend weekends visiting my father at his beach house in the summer, I stayed away this year because he told me he wanted to have a private talk with me, which historically means giving me a lecture on how much I’ve disappointed him. I’ve put up with it in the past, but I’m sick of hearing it and fighting with him, so avoiding him just seemed smarter. I think it was a good idea to stay away, but now, whenever I call him to check in and be pleasant, he acts as if he’s too injured and disappointed to continue the conversation for more than a minute or two, which makes me feel guilty. I want to explain to him that I can’t see him because I want to avoid a negative conversation. My goal is to stop feeling so bad about doing a good thing.
Every guilt trip requires a traveling companion, and that doesn’t include the person who sent you off on your journey of remorse with a scornful “bon voyage.”
You’re actually accompanied by an internal collaborator, a side of your personality that kicks in reflexively, obediently, and without question to zap you with instant guilt for the sin of failing to make someone happy, regardless of said someone’s jerky behavior, or your being innocent.
Most of us have such a collaborator living in our brains, and some of those collaborators are easily triggered by a dirty look from anyone, be they parents or strangers. Companions like these aren’t so much guilt-trippers as guilt jet-setters, and it takes a constant effort to keep them, and you, feeling grounded and at home with your own decisions. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 17, 2012
Some very smart people are brilliant at expressing the way they feel and acting on those feelings tenaciously while remaining inept at putting those feelings into a broader perspective. For them, feelings are facts, allowing them to act first, ask questions never. If you happen to be such a person and these words aren’t meaningless, be aware that there are ways to learn a different, more value-driven way of thinking. If you happen to have been written off by such a person, know that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the impulses of an otherwise-smart person for whom feelings, not facts, are an infallible truth.
–Dr. Lastname
Growing up, I always had a feeling that the things that promised happiness to other people didn’t work out for me, I hated being alive, and I didn’t mind who knew it, even though my family always told me I was being too emotional and that I refused to admit or remember the moments of my childhood that were fun or happy (no idea what they’re talking about). Anyway, I grew up, found steady work and got married, but the marriage ended a couple years ago. I’ve tried medications for depression, and the 3 or 4 I’ve tried haven’t done anything but cause side effects. So my point is that I’ve had it. I really don’t see the point in staying alive when I feel miserable most of the time and nothing has worked out. I’m not feeling suicidal at the moment because I’ve been busy at work and that makes me feel useful, but I doubt that I’ll want to hold it together when the next layoff comes around and I have nothing to do. My shrink wants me to stay positive and fight my negative thinking but I think it’s more than negative thinking; it’s a negative reality and I’ve had enough of it. My goal is to challenge anyone, including you, to show me that life is worth living.
While depressed feelings can be very powerful in persuading you that there’s no point in living, feelings aren’t facts. Just because you’ve always felt like life isn’t worth living doesn’t mean that it’s true now or in the future.
When people say to “stay positive,” what they really mean is that you should look at the bigger picture, beyond whatever negativity you happen to be feeling, and identify long-term goals that are meaningful in terms of values (like doing good, supporting the people or causes you care about, or sharing love), not in terms of feelings or outcomes.
As long as your life reflects your values, like trying to be decent to others and doing a good day’s work, you can tell yourself that your efforts are worthwhile, regardless of how badly things are going at the moment…unless, of course, your brain is unable to see facts and feelings as two different things. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 13, 2012
If your parents or in-laws make you feel helpless, even though you’re now a parent yourself, it’s seldom useful to examine how or why they do it since knowledge seldom changes your feelings, except to make them more powerful. Instead, get the courage to pull the parenting card yourself and develop polite rules for stopping bad behavior and keeping things friendly. You’ll be surprised at how quickly your feelings will change if you act as a boss when that’s what you really are. And if they don’t like it, they can go to their rooms, with or without supper.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my father…I think he’s a decent guy and I owe him for everything he gave me as a kid, but his anger has been a problem my whole life. He and my mother divorced when I was pretty young so I only saw him on holidays and some weekends, but even after that, at least once per visit he’d get so frustrated with me that he’d go into rages that left me genuinely terrified (he never went too far physically or verbally, but I’d still get really shaken, and once it was over, he never mentioned it again). I made it worse as I got older, because I’d yell back, which pushed him even further. Now I’m the mother of 2 young kids, I’d like them to spend some time with him (and so would he), but I want to protect them from the possible fear/trauma that I had to experience, even if it wasn’t criminal, per se. So how do I keep a lid on the fireworks without keeping him out of my life?
You’re right to regard big loud parent-child blowouts as tough on kids (and anything else around, including other people, pets, plates, etc.), and you’re wise enough to look for alternatives that don’t involve too much suffering by you or your kids, assuming the worst-case Dadageddon.
Remember, however, that you’re the mother, which means you make the rules of engagement. When you were a kid, you probably bristled under your father’s scary authority, but after all these years, you’re free at last. You’re the adult now and the parent, so you’re not just the boss of you, but your brood as well. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 10, 2012
If you feel persistently mistreated by your spouse, sharing your emotions is often ineffective; while your feelings meant the world to him at the start of your relationship, like a car, they lose value with every mile that gets put on. Unless your partner sees the light—which, as a partnership gets older, becomes less and less likely—telling one another how you really feel usually leads to nothing but a victim-off that’ll make you both wish you’d never started dating in the first place. Before opening your mouth, learn how to do your own damage assessment, spot the choices over which you have independent control, and put together a plan for making the best of what you’ve got. Who knows, maybe if you do what you think is right about your half of things, you’ll get more miles out of your relationship without having to trade it in.
–Dr. Lastname
I have been with my man for seven years, but as time goes on, he is getting more financially controlling and disrespectful. I usually let it slide, but I’m sick of feeling like a pushover. How do I stand up for myself? I need help bringing out “the bitch inside.”
Even when you’ve got good reason to feel badly treated by your partner, releasing “the bitch inside” will just give him a good excuse to dismiss your issues as trivial and over-emotional. In other words, no matter how justified your anger, acting like an angry bitch will only succeed in getting you treated like one.
Yes, you may get him to sit up, listen, and mend his ways, but that’s unusual, particularly with long-term partners with whom a long history can serve to justify whatever they’re doing. The more he annoys you, the more successful he feels.
While unleashing the bitch is tempting, that kind of reaction usually just causes guys to duck, retaliate, and ultimately respond with their own list of complaints. Better, then, to keep your inner bitch in strict lockdown until you figure out how bad your problem is and what you can actually do about it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 27, 2012
Weddings and funerals are supposed to produce scripted emotional results, but life simply pushes too much muddy water under the bridge for human ceremonies to work out the way they’re supposed to, i.e., with great joy or catharsis, as opposed to resulting in a couple getting married or the survivors of a loved one being consoled. So when you’ve got a major change-of-life ceremony coming up that can’t perform the way it should, don’t feel like it, or you, has failed. As long as you see the greater purpose of the ceremony, there’s a way to not just get it over with, but make it accomplish something worthwhile.
–Dr. Lastname
When my husband left 3 years ago it came as a shock although we had been unhappy for a long time and both had affairs before (his secret, mine open). He insisted to me and our adult children that there was no one else, and was uncertain about divorce. He carried on spending a lot of time with the family, then told us he had recently started seeing a female former co-worker, but that it was not important. He then spent six months leading us all to believe that he wanted to save the marriage and taking me out on dinner dates, but he also took a holiday with the other woman, and said lots of things that failed to add up. Two years ago everything changed when the other woman confronted him at the family home and made a horrible scene and swore at me and our son. She was furious about all his lying to her and told us they had been involved for years, then they brawled in front of me and he ran away. Things are now amicable between us even though he is still involved with this person, but we are still not divorced and our kids have chosen not to meet her. Our daughter is to be married soon and I do not wish to receive this other woman at the wedding on account of her awful behavior to me and my son (I have not seen her since that day and she never apologized). Do I miss out on having my new partner attend or do I swallow my pride and invite her? It’s my daughter’s day and I want it to go well but feel humiliated at the prospect of having to be pleasant to this person. My goal is to behave with dignity and retain the moral high ground without sacrificing my principles.
Before asking yourself whether you would feel humiliated if your husband’s volatile girlfriend were invited to your daughter’s wedding, ask yourself what the goal of your daughter’s wedding is supposed to be (aside from a legal ceremony with cake).
Despite the numerous television shows, films, and monthly magazines that tell you otherwise, the primary goal of weddings isn’t to make the bride, or any one person, happy, because that goal becomes dangerous in a hurry, whether you’re talking about a wedding or life in general.
There’s too much about weddings that you can’t control, including the weather, having enough cake, and risking forced meetings between sworn enemies (see above) who have access to free alcohol and folding, potentially airborne chairs. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 23, 2012
We never advocate trying to change or control someone else, but imposing standards on how someone behaves with you isn’t necessarily trying to control that person, just the behavior that occurs in your immediate vicinity. If that person is someone you love, you hope they can change their behavior for the sake of a better life and closer relationship/even tighter vicinity. As long as you accept your powerlessness over that change, however, you can enforce your standards without rancor, bitterness, or guilt, while hopefully giving them an opportunity to decide to control their behavior on their own.
–Dr. Lastname
A few months ago, after I caught my boyfriend in a series of lies and secretive communications/meetings with several old girlfriends, he agreed to cut off communication with all but two of them whom he considers close friends. I know that this guy absolutely despises authority, so I will not “demand” that he cut off communication to women that he had slept with just before meeting me, women that he had very inappropriate texts and emails with until I caught him, but he told me, with those two women, he will now keep his communication with them “clean.” I say, if he couldn’t stop himself before, he is likely a compulsive (something?) and he’d do himself a huge favor by simply cutting ties. He has sworn to me that he has been physically faithful, but I think that what he did constitutes emotional affairs, and that safeguards should be put in place to make sure it doesn’t happen again. By the way, when he was seeing these girls before me, he WAS physically cheating on every single one of them. So there definitely is a compulsive behavior he needs to get under control…
Intellectually, you’re right to assume that your boyfriend’s past behavior shows that he’s a liar and cheat and that, regardless of his sincerity now, the only way to guarantee he’ll change these behaviors is breaking his texting fingers.
What’s missing in your account is that you haven’t asked yourself what he could possibly do that would make you think he has this problem under control, and what he can do and what he can say are two very different things.
Don’t accept weak, bullshit answers like “I’ll go into therapy” or “I’ll cut back to two friends,” because they don’t acknowledged the likelihood that he’ll do it again, which is the part of his problem that most concerns you. Instead, they allow you to hope that things will get better and forget about the open-door policy of his pants. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
