Posted by fxckfeelings on September 13, 2012
If your parents or in-laws make you feel helpless, even though you’re now a parent yourself, it’s seldom useful to examine how or why they do it since knowledge seldom changes your feelings, except to make them more powerful. Instead, get the courage to pull the parenting card yourself and develop polite rules for stopping bad behavior and keeping things friendly. You’ll be surprised at how quickly your feelings will change if you act as a boss when that’s what you really are. And if they don’t like it, they can go to their rooms, with or without supper.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my father…I think he’s a decent guy and I owe him for everything he gave me as a kid, but his anger has been a problem my whole life. He and my mother divorced when I was pretty young so I only saw him on holidays and some weekends, but even after that, at least once per visit he’d get so frustrated with me that he’d go into rages that left me genuinely terrified (he never went too far physically or verbally, but I’d still get really shaken, and once it was over, he never mentioned it again). I made it worse as I got older, because I’d yell back, which pushed him even further. Now I’m the mother of 2 young kids, I’d like them to spend some time with him (and so would he), but I want to protect them from the possible fear/trauma that I had to experience, even if it wasn’t criminal, per se. So how do I keep a lid on the fireworks without keeping him out of my life?
You’re right to regard big loud parent-child blowouts as tough on kids (and anything else around, including other people, pets, plates, etc.), and you’re wise enough to look for alternatives that don’t involve too much suffering by you or your kids, assuming the worst-case Dadageddon.
Remember, however, that you’re the mother, which means you make the rules of engagement. When you were a kid, you probably bristled under your father’s scary authority, but after all these years, you’re free at last. You’re the adult now and the parent, so you’re not just the boss of you, but your brood as well. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 6, 2012
Delving into past relationships always has an Indiana Jones element to it; no matter how pure your archaeological intentions, there’s always risk, conflict, and the potential for melting your face off. You don’t know whose feelings are going to get stirred up by your adventures—yours or your partner’s—and whether you’ll be able to manage them. Without exploring, however, you often can’t tell how the relationship you’ve got will stand up to the risk of danger. So learn to do historical detective work by staying focused on what you need to know, rather than on the intense feelings you may encounter. You’re not looking for thrills, romance, or monkey brains—just the facts.
–Dr. Lastname
I am in my 50s, separated, and in a relationship. Out of curiosity, and because it’s easy to do so nowadays, I googled the names of some ex boyfriends from way back when. I found that one is living in a city less than an hour away and running his own company—we had a brief but intense romance in our late teens and he wanted to marry me but I still had feelings for another. When my job took me abroad we kissed goodbye sadly and kept in touch for a while but things petered out and we both moved on. I would like to send him a friendly email just to reminisce and find out how his life went without seeming like a crazy stalker or opening a can of worms. Is it ever wise to go delving into the past now it is so easy and anonymous to do so? My goal is to enjoy one of the benefits of cyberspace without creeping anyone out or being disloyal.
There is a real risk here of being creepy—not to your ex by sending him a friendly email, but to your current partner, to whom you could literally be a creep if your curiosity about an old relationship jeopardizes your current one.
Your first obligation is not to revive a relationship if you believe it’s destructive, i.e., if your connection didn’t just peter out, but ended so badly due to his behavior that said connection was severed with a chainsaw and then burned to cinders.
From what you write, however, you have confidence in your ability to express yourself appropriately and you regard your old relationship as basically positive. What’s harder to know is whether reconnecting to this old boyfriend will trigger uncontrollable feelings in you, him, and/or your current boyfriend that will either damage what you’ve got or cause you to break promises you’d wanted to keep. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 30, 2012
From Dorothy’s mantra to the mortgage crisis, having a home is a considered a crucial part of our lives. That’s why having to share your home with a jerk is a special kind of torture; between their criticism and your own unhappiness, it’s hard not to feel like you’ll never be happy or successful until you get free of them. In actuality, however, life sometimes forces good people to live with bad, and the trick is to figure out for yourself whether it’s really necessary to leave, not in order to avoid pain, but because you’re doing what you think is best for you, your family, and your finances. Sure, maybe there’s no place like home, but if your home includes a monster, you need to think it through before finding a place like home, but better.
–Dr. Lastname
I try very hard to treat my wife’s father like family (her mother died years ago), but her dad is a hard guy to spend much time with. He drinks too much, refuses to own up to it, and (surprise!) isn’t a reliable baby-sitter (although he thinks he’s the greatest), so we can’t leave him alone with the kids. Worst of all, he’s very sensitive, so any hint of criticism is likely to put him into an “I’ll never talk to you again” mode that, I’m sure, would be hard for my wife to bear. I’ve learned how to put up with him over the course of our marriage—I basically walk on egg shells, agree with everything he says and count down the minutes until we can leave—but he recently decided he wants to come live with us, and I’m totally stuck. If we say no to him, it will hurt my wife terribly, but if we don’t say no, we’ll end up divorced, or he’ll end up dead and I’ll get the chair (ha ha). My goal is to figure a way out of this dilemma.
Nobody wants to have a broken relationship with their parents, which is why your father-in-law can threaten your wife with a shunning. Since this guy isn’t actually your parent, you see his threats to cut you off as a promising possibility.
After all, if he stops talking to you, you don’t have to put up with his demands, supervise time with his grandkids, or accept him as your future housemate. Unfortunately, you know that, even though your wife agrees with you, expressing your negative feelings about him to her will likely stir up a bunch of guilt and make her feel worse. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 26, 2012
Before the manager of a baseball team (real or fantasy) signs a player, s/he pores over reams of statistics that analyze every aspect of that player’s performance, including their projected trajectory going forward. One should follow a similar procedure when looking to sign or dissolve a contract with a romantic partner, because examining their previous performance on the field of relationships is the best way to figure out whether they’re worth the commitment or a bad fit in your clubhouse. After all, if managers are willing to do all that work for a seven-year-deal, it makes sense to work just as hard for a contract that should last a lifetime.
–Dr. Lastname
My boyfriend seems to have a very unhealthy attachment to the past. He can’t let go of ex-girlfriends. He seems to need them to email or text every week or so (several, and he uses unhealthy attachment language to keep them hopeful about a potential future with him). His last note, left on the floor in the garage, said, “the future holds no possibilities. The past, Is infinite.” He swears to me that he is 100% committed to a lifetime with me, searching for rings (we are in our 40s). What makes people so aggressively attached to their past?
You may yearn for your boyfriend to tell you something, anything, about his behavior towards his exes that will actually ease your doubts about the depth of his commitment. Unfortunately, if you plead for reassurance, you’ll just be begging him to bullshit you.
Even if he does try to convince you, you’ll either be upset that he refused to try or tried but was unconvincing. Or, worse yet, you’ll be convinced he’s okay because he told you what you wanted to hear.
In any case, you’ll be asking him to give you a good feeling, instead of trusting yourself to figure out whether or not to trust him. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 21, 2012
Bad luck is like a bad smell; sometimes, it just surrounds you, meaning that you’re doing everything right but, due to an uncontrollable curse, everything’s going wrong. Then there are the special few for whom bad luck is generated internally, meaning that your brain is permanently decision-intolerant, and trying to do the right thing usually goes wrong. Either way, you’re stuck with your stink, and you’re going to get blamed unless you and others are brave enough, and realistic enough, to accept the hard-to-tolerate helplessness of having no control. If you can do that, however, you’re ready to appreciate the beautiful things you’re doing with an ugly aroma, whatever dealt it.
–Dr. Lastname
Turning 50 next year, my beard is turning gray, still alone and most importantly, no fuck-buddy! I’m saying I’m on a self imposed ‘sabbatical,’ upgrading and learning new skills, but in reality, well – this economy! But seriously, no work AND anxiety (a left over from when I was assaulted), all-new discovery of depression (as a result of recent diagnosis of Hypothyroidism or a direct result of job loss, who knows?), loss of retaining and maintaining friendships/relationships led to well, being in the space of loneliness – a lonely extrovert is so oxymoronic, I can’t stand it! Currently trying to financially survive on a sure-footed, tight-roped budget thanks to one of the four insurances that did pan out…still, sore about playing by the rules and getting shafted big time anyways and yet, retaining focus on how to get up from the shutdowns and the rapid changes that occurred in a shorter-than-2-year period. My goal is to capture original harmony and yet live in the now, which includes living an even more healthy and play-safe lifestyle along with meaningful work, having an intimate inner circle of friends and have a honeybun(s) in my life. That’s the life I am cultivating – the only thing is how the fuck do I kick-start the process to get there? Can you help me?
Sadly, Dr. Lastname has never figured out the secret to happiness (or put too much value on it), and besides, the real secret of those secrets is mostly that the short-term happiness they bring will be followed by a long period of not-happiness, much like the one you’re struggling to get out of.
On the other hand, we have figured out the secret to pride, which is really what this is about; women may make you happy, but confidence and pride will get you women. So, in order to get laid, you have to think about why your misfortune has laid you so low. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 3, 2012
Just because spending time with a certain someone is always a positive experience doesn’t mean that certain someone is actually a special candidate for meeting your needs. Whether you’re looking for a spouse or a shrink, many of the same rules apply; no matter how much you enjoy and trust that person, it’s your job to know what you want out of the relationship, what limits must be set in order to get there, and how much availability you require (and, with therapists, what lessons you can take from the relationship that can help you when availability is impossible). Defining the practical conditions that are necessary for the relationship that you want, and standing by them, are what make a certain someone not just special, but a smart investment.
–Dr. Lastname
I have experienced 2 bad marriages and the death of my only child at age 28 (one year ago). I’m now trying to rebuild my life and am in a relationship with a man who has experienced shit (horrible divorce) and raising his youngest child, a teenager. Unfortunately, he has trouble balancing family, work and dating, and I don’t know how to handle this during my grief time and uncertainty—I fluctuate between feeling my worries are unreasonable and justified. His ex wife screwed him kid-wise and money-wise, so he is bitter in lots of ways. On the other hand, I was equally screwed by my ex but pushed on and made my own way, so I don’t entirely sympathize with his resentment. I also understand that, because of his divorce, he hasn’t had a life with his kids and wants to establish a relationship with his son, but he also wants one with me, and I don’t think he knows how to balance these two goals. We’re both adults with good jobs who’ve experienced the same problems, but I’m not sure why we can’t get it together, and I want this to work.
As the survivor of an unbearable loss and the non-help of a deadbeat ex, you have a right to ignore other people’s resentment and bitterness. As such, you’re ready to move on and find a better relationship, and because your sorrows give you perspective, you know when someone else isn’t ready.
You obviously value your partner’s love for his kids, and see evidence of his fidelity in his long attachment to a crazy wife. You’re right, however, to have concerns about the flip side of this picture, which is his potential inability to control his over-responsiveness to whoever seems to need him more. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 30, 2012
When someone’s decline/death leaves you with new responsibilities, it can be hard to grieve the way you’d like; either you’re too busy dealing with unsettled family and finance issues, or you’re too distracted by resentments and fears. It’s more important to sort out what you can and can’t do, then do what you can, than to get rid of negative feelings. In the long run, doing all you could, and doing right by the person who died, will be your greatest comfort.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m overwhelmed. I have been married for 25 years, the last ten or so have been strained—three years ago my husband was diagnosed with a progressive, terminal form of dementia. It affects his behavior and communication. We have 3 teens. I stayed home with the kids for 15 years because his job required him to be out of town for extended periods. Now I am working 2 jobs to try to keep up with our expenses. I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years who was helping me deal with the loss—and my reaction to loss, which is odd and inappropriate. Anyway, his office called yesterday to tell me he died. Where do I go from here? I feel so lost.
It sounds like you feel more than lost, and reading your description of events has us a little lost, as well. Still, while the details are hard to follow, the point is crystal clear and amazingly sad.
I may be reading too much into your words, but it does seem like the stress of raising three kids, working two jobs and dealing with the crazy responsibilities of living with dementia have burnt you out and left you spacy and dissociated, with “odd and inappropriate feelings.”
Dementia took your husband away bit by bit while loading you with more and more responsibilities, along with the fear of having to face dangerous and irritating situations without warning. Sadness is a relatively small burden compared to the fear, anger and guilt that people actually encounter.
Temporary detachment may have protected you from being overwhelmed by these feelings; hopefully his death will free you from some of this load and allow you to miss him.
In any case, don’t be critical of your emotions. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 22, 2012
Regardless of what you hear on TV about the power of exercise, fish oil, and Xenu, none of us has much control over the way we or our loved ones die. We beat death, not by postponing the inevitable, but by sustaining our most important priorities—love and commitments—in the face of helplessness, pain, and impending loss. In other words, we beat death in so much as we don’t let it take over our lives.
–Dr. Lastname
I love my wife and we’ve had a great 30 years together but, since her cardiac arrest during a heart attack, she hasn’t been the same. What I really hate is that, as much as I want to help her recover and prevent her from slipping back, she doesn’t seem to want to get better. I know she has some memory problems and isn’t steady on her feet, but her physiotherapist gave her a good set of exercises. Instead of doing them, however, she’s happy to stay in our bedroom all day and watch TV, often blowing off important medical appointments. I get furious and find myself screaming at her, which does nothing but make me feel mean and cruel. My goal is to get her to do her best to recover, because I don’t want to punish her, but I can’t stand the idea that she’s making herself worse, and then I could lose her.
People don’t age and die because we lose our fight to live; we die because we die. Fighting is merely a protest demonstration and/or holding action. Understandably, you don’t want to lose your wife, but no amount of effort on her part will stave off death forever.
We’d all prefer to believe that love and determination could drive your wife to recover from her disability, and, under some circumstances, they could (most of those circumstances, as we’ve said many times, involve a screenwriter).
Unfortunately, they often can’t, and, if her disability is not treatable, persistent pushing could make you abusive and destroy the relationship that’s her most meaningful source of support. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 16, 2012
No one ever totally controls art or business, which doesn’t stop artists and professionals from being control freaks who rate themselves by their results. The difference between them is that a businessperson with poor results usually still gets paid, while an artist who produces bad art, or good art in a bad market, doesn’t. No matter what one’s field, all anyone can do is keep working, because the only way you can guarantee shitty results is by giving up work entirely.
–Dr. Lastname
Like a lot of artists, I don’t think I’m good at anything else. I’ve been “the arty one” since I can remember, I went to art school on a scholarship, and I’ve gotten illustration work pretty steadily since then. Ever since my last job, however, I’ve started to wonder if I’ve lost it somehow. I got a steady gig in a graphic design department, and at first, I totally got along with my co-workers and we seemed to share a sensibility. Then, for some reason—maybe it’s my age (I was the youngest one), the new department head, an off-the-mark project I completed, I don’t know—the group consensus turned on me and I was treated like an untalented hack for the first time in my life. I’ve never dealt with this before, and I still don’t get it, because the higher-ups were still pleased with my work even if my peers decided it sucked, and I was always nice to everyone. The only thing that did happen was that I started to doubt my ideas more, because every time I’d come up with something I’d immediately think of all the reasons my co-workers would hate it. After a few months of this, I couldn’t take it anymore, so when a college friend told me there was an opening at his work, I jumped on it. The problem is that I still can’t get that negativity and doubt out of my head—maybe I am a hack, after all—and I’m terrified of starting this new job and either not coming up with anything good or not coming up with anything period until eventually I can’t get a job at all. I’m not good at anything else, but what if I’m not good at design anymore, either? My goal is to get my mojo back (or at least get these assholes out of my brain).
One of the curses of being talented, in arts or sports, is that talent becomes the heart of your self-esteem. Talent and ego have a flawed-yet-symbiotic relationship.
It’s particularly true if, like many talented people, you’re actually not so hot at doing other things. It’s as if your talent takes up extra brain-space, crowding out room for the basics and leaving you both gifted and klutzy, brilliant and ADD, hyper-capable and totally incompetent.
Other people might tell you that you’re good at other things, but those other people are wrong; they don’t have or understand an artistic mind. They had to decide on a career, whereas you probably felt like you didn’t have a choice. They also probably have health insurance. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 10, 2011
Whether you feel you’re in the right or in the wrong, defining your moral position in terms of someone else’s feelings is going to get you lost. If you feel you’re in the wrong, you don’t have to win forgiveness to make it right. If you feel wronged, trying to get an apology will probably making the wronging worse. If you’re doing what’s right, it won’t matter how people respond; having confidence in carefully considered choices will keep you on course.
–Dr. Lastname
I was a terrible mother to my kids when they were younger—I yelled all the time and even hit them, and my husband had good reason to divorce me and allow nothing but occasional custody. Still, I love them dearly and I’ve always wanted to make amends; we’re all older now (they’re in their 20s), I’m a lot calmer after a lot of therapy to work through my anger issues. I’d do anything to help them, but one of them threatens to stop talking to me if I mention the fact that she drinks too much, and the other is polite but pretty distant. I feel I can’t get through to either of them because the mistakes of my past have ruined things forever. What can I do to mend our relationship?
I don’t doubt you want to help your kids, but that help comes with a high price– forgiveness for being an asshole when they were younger.
That was years ago, though, and you’ve continued to care for them and pay for them while learning to control your behavior (their being older probably helped). So before you ask how to get their forgiveness, ask what you have to do to forgive yourself. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
