Posted by fxckfeelings on May 23, 2013
As we often say, approaching dating as a “search for love” is like trying to keep people safe by starting a “war on terror;” since you can’t date love and you can’t kill hate, your quest is likely to be frustrating. Sometimes people doing a mate-search have a good idea about what to look for but don’t have the good work habits they need for the job. Others with fine work habits get staggered when the carefully chosen prince or princess they kiss turns out to be a frog. Remember, unless you’re very lucky, any search requires both a disciplined method and an acceptance of the fact that good matches are hard to find. The less romantic you are in your methods, the more romantic you can let yourself feel later on, but at the outset, figure out exactly who, not what, you’re looking for, in order to have good—or any—results.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve struggled with depression several times in the past (that I’ve gotten out of through exercise, counseling and little cognitive therapy workbooks), so sad feelings are hardly new to me. But the sudden way they come about lately has me really freaked out. I actually like my job. If I let my work pay for more schooling, and I stick with it, I could make a really good life for myself. These mood swings seem to mostly exaggerate sad feelings I already have about not getting any and might be related to PMS, although I’ve never had period-related mood swings like this before in my life. Despite being an attractive, young girl that likes to go out and be social, I’ve never had a long-term boyfriend. I’m so frustrated that I can’t find a guy that I’m both attracted to and think is a good person, and that likes me back. (Habits like spending money on expensive clothes instead of student loans, and drinking lots on the weekends don’t help.) I eventually want babies (I think I would be a great mom), a partner, a garden, and to be a good person so my goal is to somehow control these mood swings, and maybe take online dating a little more seriously. I just want your opinion first.
From what you’ve said, my opinion isn’t far from your own; your values and goals are good, but your habits and mood swings aren’t. You’ve found a job you care about and want to get better at, but between dips of depression, drinking, and being distracted by the wrong guys, you’re stuck.
It’s not unusual for depression to push people into bad habits, like drinking and other feel-better-now-sorry-later activities, just in case the disease alone isn’t doing enough to make you feel like a pathetic loser who can’t get work done or have normal social relationships.
As you’re well aware, it takes time, lots of practice, and even worksheets to keep your perspective and hold your ground against an invasion of negative depressive thoughts. If you want my opinion on that specifically, I think it sucks, but there’s no way around it, and drinking only makes them worse. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 20, 2013
It’s appropriate that singer Mary J. Blige had a hit singing, “I just wanna be happy” since her best songs were about being miserable. Everybody thinks they want happiness, but like wealth, fame, and everything else on Blige’s own episode of Behind the Music, happiness is too erratic and temporary to set your hopes on, and concerning oneself too much with it is a good way to get a headache and feel like a loser. Instead, think hard about the values that give you direction, whether you’re happy or not. If they’re good values, they’ll always take you in the right direction and will give you strength, regardless of whether you have another hit.
–Dr. Lastname
I fell in love with the wonderful work I was doing in South Africa, but in the two years since I returned to the States, I still struggle with connecting and finding friendships or a relationship with meaning. In South Africa, I worked with an organization that rehabilitated inner-city gang kids to get them back in the public school system. The experience was life changing. I fell in love with the children I worked with, the mentality of the locals, the culture, and the relationships I built with like-minded volunteers. Unfortunately, since I’ve been back, my connections with my friends were no longer the same because they could not relate to the life and experiences I lived abroad. I’m in my mid-20s, and my life is good in many ways, but most of my friends are getting married, having children, or going to graduate school now, and I am at a stand still…stuck in time with memories I wish I was still living. I want to be able to relate and understand the people in my life. I want to feel fulfilled and in love with my surrounding and the life I’m living again.
The trouble with wonderful, life-transforming jobs is that they don’t actually transform your life, just your expectations. The stars align for a brief period of self-discovery and fulfillment, but then the earth keeps rotating, and the stars shift away again.
Even though good times like that inherently can’t last, they still leave you feeling that, if you were able to find it once, you should be able to find it again. Unfortunately, good luck, like bad luck and the earth on its axis, moves on, whether you like it or not, sometimes leaving you not just with a sense of loss, but also of having missed the boat. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 16, 2013
Criticism, like network sitcoms, gas station food, and internet trolls, requires careful consideration before you decide whether it’s worth taking to heart/anymore of your time. Unfortunately, many people in relationships immediately take and react to their partner’s criticism, even when it’s wrong, either because they’re so used to being in the wrong and feeling guilty, or because they have such a strong need for unconditional (or just fairly conditional) approval that they can’t stand not getting it. In any case, before you react to your spouse’s disapproval, consult your own standards of behavior and respect yourself if you know you’re living up to them, outsourcing the need for praise to friends or hairdressers if approval is really that important. As long as you respect your own good judgment, you’ll have no problem managing judgments you don’t agree with, and won’t have to waste your time feeling annoyed, sick or guilty over bad TV, bad sushi, or bad criticism again.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stand my husband’s criticism but the fact is, I’ve deserved it, because I’ve been a lush for twenty years and not much use after 9 PM. I’ve always worked hard and the kids think I was a pretty good parent before 9. Still, I feel I’ve been a failure as a wife, even though I think one reason I drank so much is because my husband’s overbearing criticism really got on my nerves, and booze was the easiest way to cope. Anyway, now that the kids are grown and I’ve had more than a couple medical problems, I got myself sober, but the marriage is really no better. My husband tells me in couples therapy that our family would be a lot more secure financially if I hadn’t been a drinker (which is really bullshit) and that I still haven’t really acknowledged what a big burden I put on him (I’ve said I’m sorry, but it’s never enough). Meanwhile, he blames me for ruining his life and burning the steak. I’m so angry I’m not sure I want to stay with him, but it’s hard to have any conversation that doesn’t turn on his right to be angry at me, which I think, given my history, he has. My goal is to figure out whether I want to stay with him for the next part of my life.
One of the unfortunate things that happen when you’re ashamed of bad behavior in a close relationship is that you lose the ability to stand up for yourself, even when your behavior is actually OK. You might always be an alcoholic, but you’re not always going to be at fault for everything in your husband’s life that goes wrong.
Escaping into drinking, affairs, or any major kind of avoidance may give you temporary relief from an unhappy relationship, but it also secures your right to feel even more totally responsible for that unhappiness than you did in the first place. You’re essentially breaking out of one prison and into another, even shittier one. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 13, 2013
While it’s said that you only hurt the ones you love, it would be more honest to say that you only hurt the ones who love you. What’s worse, that hurt usually comes from pushing them away when they’re trying too hard to help. Trying to redeem or heal someone, or yourself, through caring and communication usually does less rescuing and more repulsing. After all, if one or both people can’t consistently manage their own responsibilities, honest talk and helpfulness does little but make excuses and turn love into prolonged anguish. Develop a reasonable set of standards about what a person should do to take care of him/herself, before you offer or ask for help. Otherwise, you’ll earn all too well how true the “help until it hurts” saying is.
–Dr. Lastname
My friend and I have feelings for each other, which are no secret to either of us—we had kissed and had even gotten close to having sex but when it came down to being completely honest about our feelings we couldn’t do it. I knew this was unhealthy but I was scared because not only are we both guys but we both had a lot of issues when it came to love. He would say things like, “I don’t know what I want,” and “Don’t fall in love with me.” It was confusing because before that he would be asking me to “make love to him” and had even said, “I love you” twice. I know that part of it was fear of being with another guy. Then, two months ago, I got into a car accident because I was drunk. He was there but, luckily, no one was hurt. Now he says he’s forgiven me, but he has also picked up a girlfriend, which was a shock to me and it hurt. In the beginning we had great chemistry but then we lost that when we stopped being honest with each other. I believe it happened when feelings started getting intense. I want for us to stop hurting each other and start being honest. I’m not sure how to do this and it is breaking my heart. I wouldn’t mind being his friend if he would just stop playing games or whatever this is with me. Is he just confused or being cruel? I can’t make up my mind.
Hollywood wisdom is that women don’t like Sci-Fi and Fantasy, but given how far-fetched your average romantic comedy is, that’s simply untrue. A movie about two people with great chemistry overcoming impossible circumstances by having a heart-to-heart and ending up happily ever after is built on a reality so false, it makes The Hobbit look plausible.
While that good, honest talk solves all romantic problems in TV/movie fantasyland, frustration like what you’re experiencing in real life is more often due to the other things that you’ve mentioned troubling you and your friend: confusion, fear, and uncertainty about who each of you wants to be with and who you want to be. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 9, 2013
For parents of kids in high school, it often seems like your goal is to get your kid through school, and your kids’ goal is to find every way possible to get distracted. Some of those distractions, like video games or music, are harmless, while others, like drugs or serious relationships, can go from a diversion to totally destructive. Sometimes when a kid seems over-interested in romantic relationships, it’s because the relationship with school needs work, but other kids would chose relationships over the best school in the world, just because of how they’re wired. In any case, parents, it’s important for you not to show anger or fear, regardless of how you really feel. Instead, if you can, sell the kid on school, sell the school on working with your kid, and if that doesn’t work, it’s time to homeschool your kid in managing intense sexual relationships. As long as you avoid guilt and blame, you can be a great teacher, no matter what curriculum you’re forced to use.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m 14 this year and in my second year of high school, and in my area there are a couple schools that I could’ve gone to. Unfortunately, there was only one co-ed school, and it had a “bad reputation.” My parents forced me to go to the other school, an elite girls school, instead. I didn’t like it even before I started going there, but I never knew it would be this bad. It’s really strict and I actually hate not having boys around. I’ve never been boy crazy but now I feel like I can’t stand it. And this year, I discovered this good co-ed school that I originally thought was far away but is actually closer than the school I go to now. I can’t rest until I get to move schools, but how do I convince my parents to let me move without telling them that I want boys in my life? They’re not the incredibly unreasonable strict type, so they wouldn’t have forced me to go to a single sex school if there wasn’t a choice. Still, I can’t say that I hate it because it’s a girls school! They’d never let me move because of that. It may sound silly but I’ve gotten really depressed recently. The school also has lots of other different problems, mainly the strict part. I hate strictness. It kills me, and I just want to be free. I feel like I’m suffocating and I can’t escape.
We rarely get letters from readers in their teens, probably because, when you’re fourteen, developing an independent view of the world and living under your parents’ absolute authority, feelings are one of the few things under your own control. It seems natural that your average adolescent’s response to a site called fxckfeelings.com would be “fuck you dot org.”
That said, we’re glad to hear from someone young, and it’s important during this stage to seek knowledgeable outside opinions, especially because so much of your time is spent with the same group of teachers and other kids your age. School can feel a lot like jail, except you learn things way more valuable than how to make wine in a toilet. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 6, 2013
Your heart is like your best friend in junior high; if it tells you you’re doing the right thing, it could easily be a lie told in a storm of hormones, emotions, and/or stupidity. When you’re angry or hurt, negative feelings are obviously not a reliable guide to doing what’s right, but a desire to care for the needy and helpless can be just as unreliable. In figuring out the best choice, don’t make a big deal out of hate or love, because doing what’s makes you feel like a good person and actually being a good person aren’t necessarily the same thing. Instead, remember your promises, the good you’re trying to do in this world, and all possible realistic outcomes. You may wind up with a lot of frustrated feelings, but if they accompany a bunch of smart actions, you know both your heart and mind were in the right place.
–Dr. Lastname
I am looking for advice in how to deal with my aunt. Some background: she’s my father’s only sibling and, when I was growing up, we were extremely close. As I got older, I noticed that she was very self-centered, racist, classist, politically conservative, and very immature, which lead to some very upsetting arguments and tiffs (she didn’t respond well to having her authority questioned and I was supremely uncomfortable with having my friends and viewpoints criticized constantly). Over the next few years we had several blowouts, and she promised again and again that she would change—no more lying, no more manipulations, no more treating my father and other family members badly, no more running her mouth ignorantly and offensively. Then, about four years ago, we both accused the other of undermining each other at work (we worked for the same company), she was remarkably offensive to her brother (my father), and we stopped talking (she refused to speak to me, and I thought it was the best idea she had in years). Now she’s sick and my father is pressuring me to make nice to her, at least at family get-togethers. Is this worth sacrificing my hard-won sanity for? I know I would be upset if she died, but I can’t say I miss her at all from my daily life. I get the feeling that my family (especially my grandmother/her mother) would judge me for it, as if I’m deliberately being hurtful to her without cause. I’m so very tired of “being the bigger person” between the two of us, having to set my feelings and concerns aside for “the greater good of the family” and her wellbeing, without a thought for mine. My goal is to figure out how to navigate my family while staying sane.
The idea of flashing a friendly smile at your nasty, bigoted aunt at a family party and sharing a few words of small talk might make you crazy, but it won’t drive you insane. At the risk of sounding crass, you might be tired of being “the bigger person,” but since she’s about to stop being an “alive person,” it’s a finite sacrifice.
Don’t make just nice because it’s temporary, however, or because you want to please your father and grandmother; you’re old enough to make your own moral decisions and act on them, and the key to a good moral decision is not reacting to how you feel, but to what you value. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 2, 2013
From Mama Rose to your average scary hockey dad, pushy parents who steamroll their kids into living out their own dreams are seen as monsters who seldom inspire real motivation. Pushing a relatively unmotivated kid into therapy instead of the spotlight might not make you feel like Dina Lohan, but the fact is, an enthusiasm gap between parent and child never bodes well. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your kid is an unmotivated, treatment-rejecting slacker, but it does mean that the intensely emotional intervention of a caring parent, whether offering treatment, discipline, or both, can make a child too reactive to others’ motivations to discover his or her own center and strength. When you want to help a difficult child, you must also learn to sell your child on the values of patience and self-restraint through example, waiting for your child to meet you halfway. Pushing a child to be mentally healthy is more valid than pushing her to be a superstar or pro-athlete, but if she don’t want it as much as you do, all you’re doing is pushing her away.
–Dr. Lastname
My daughter’s therapist is extremely expensive (hundreds of dollars, and he doesn’t take our insurance), but my daughter said the sessions helped her with her depression when it seemed like no one and nothing else could, so my husband and I took out a loan and paid for weekly treatments, which started when she was in high school and continue over the phone now that she’s in college. At the end of last semester, however, she’d flunked out of a course and now says she needs more money for personal expenses, and my husband and I have reason to think she’s drinking and partying way too much. We’re furious and my husband doesn’t want to keep “throwing money away,” especially since it’s money we have to borrow, but I’m afraid that if we confront her or reduce support for her treatment she’ll get even worse, drop out of school, and never get her degree or her mental health in order. My goal is to figure my way out of an impossible dilemma.
Ironically, endlessly searching for ways to keep your daughter safe is, in itself, a fairly dangerous proposition; if you make yourself too responsible for her treatment, she won’t develop her own values and reasons for using it and accepting its limitations. You can lead the kid to therapy, but you can’t make her think.
Until she builds her own foundation for managing her illness and its treatment, your recovery plan remains shaky. It gets shakier the more it depends on your efforts and the availability of therapists who may or may not be there when you need them, no matter what their cost. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 30, 2013
Compulsive self-criticism and sensitivity to criticism are often innate traits, like a bad sense of direction, or a lactose intolerance. Whether someone excoriates themselves undeservedly or resists constructive advice that would save them from disaster, opposing those poisonous instincts will often make them worse. Just because people are carried away by self-destructive tendencies, however, doesn’t mean they don’t have common sense methods for judging other people’s actions. If they can be encouraged to draw on those strengths, they can learn to stand up to their instincts and accept good suggestions. Just because someone has a bad sense of direction for their own lives and a criticism intolerance doesn’t mean they’re innately screwed.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always had a contentious relationship with my little brother– I love him, but he’s the baby, and his spoiled brat act always drives me nuts. He assumes I’m trying to criticize him if I offer advice or even ask him questions about his life, but I’m just worried because he recently announced he’s about to marry a woman who’s fifteen years older than he is, and he gets defensive whenever I try to ask even the simplest questions about her, like whether she has kids or has been married before. I wish I could get him to delay the wedding and get to know her better, or let the rest of us get to know her better, because we’re a big family but we’re very close. My goal is to get him to hear me when I try to explain to him why he’s probably doing the wrong thing.
Until the magical day when somebody actually directly asks someone to explain to them exactly how they’re fucking up, telling anyone why and how they’re doing the wrong thing is a bad idea. Turns out most people are touchy about being told they’re acting like idiots, particularly when it’s true.
So instead of trying to persuade your brother that you’re sincere ·(in believing he’s an idiot), borrow a page from professional consultants and start out by building him up and showing respect. Tell him how happy you are that he’s found someone to love and is ready to take on the responsibilities of partnership. Use Botox on your face if necessary to hide your emotions and keep your true feelings to yourself. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 25, 2013
The difference between conversation and confrontation is much more than those middle syllables; conversations exchange information, and confrontations either resolve or create issues, which is why most people wish to avoid them. Doing so can keep the peace, but can also keep those issues at a standstill. On the other hand, taking on a confrontation without careful management can trigger war that makes real discussion impossible. So don’t assume that your choice is between confrontation or silence. In actuality, if you decide it’s necessary, bring up difficult issues in a peaceful, conversational context, and, when war is unavoidable, don’t let anger interfere with your constructive goals.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband isn’t perfect, but we’ve had a good marriage, he’s been a steady guy, and together we’ve achieved financial security. I know he loves me, but he’s fond of spending time with video games and, over the years, sex just stopped happening. I’m not crazy about sex either, so in some ways we’re very compatible, but I was really hoping we’d start a family—I love kids—and it’s clear now that, as things stand, nothing is going to happen and that that’s the way he wants it. I wish we could talk about it, but he hates confrontations as much as I do and I’m afraid that forcing the topic would just push him away. Besides, being confrontational isn’t my nature. I feel stuck and my goal is to figure out some way to proceed, if possible, without ruining our marriage.
Although you hate confrontation, you’re not your typical passive type, stewing in a corner, bemoaning your loser husband who prefers video games to your vagina; you’ve clearly decided that your life is better with the marriage than without it, even though it contains sad disappointments, and are able to acknowledge your own shortcomings (like being uncomfortable with the word vagina).
While saying nothing might appear passive and self-defeating, it actually reflects much thought, love, and acceptance, both of yourself and your husband. The only question remaining is whether you’ve done your best to manage and negotiate these marital disappointments, because, as much as you’ve accepted a number of sacrifices to stay in the marriage, giving up on a family might be one too many. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 22, 2013
People who knowingly distort the truth seem to deserve more blame than those who truly believe what their mind makes up, but when you’re close to a liar, the issue isn’t who deserves more blame, but who is more dangerous to your welfare. Somebody who lies on purpose often does so out of a guilty conscience, while those who believe in their lies are more apt to see you as. the deceitful one who’s deserving of blame and punishment. So when lying is an issue, don’t waste time on how it makes you feel or whether the truth needs to be told. Instead, look at what happened when the liar was exposed in the past and do what’s necessary to protect yourself, even if it means leaving a liar behind, and as such, the truth unspoken.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband has a porn problem– problem because he hides it, lies about it, and blames it on others (as in, “Oh, my friend sent me some virus and that’s what opened the browser window to the helpful find-a-local-hooker site”). He also has a deadline and personal responsibility problem– lots of promises to accomplish tasks at home, precious little success. I still find benefits from being married to him. He works hard and his income is very useful. He has been sober for twenty years now, and if he is screwing around on me he is doing it discretely. He is vital to the childcare and child transportation scheme. He can be pleasant to be with and supportive, and our sex life is good. And I am 50, fat and tired and figure I would face a life of lonely celibacy without him. I can generally cope with the down side of things, but I persist in feeling angry and disappointed when he once again lets me down, and every once in awhile I find myself believing that someday he’ll change. I’m worried that I may have my thumb on the scale when I weigh the pros and cons of sticking with him. I also worry that our kids might be better off without the toxic atmosphere when I am once again disappointed. I need help finding ways to cope with the inevitability of being let down, and the serenity prayer just ain’t doing it.
It’s hard not to experience being lied to as a personal betrayal of trust, whether the liar is close to you, like a husband, or a stranger, like a politician with an unfortunately phallic last name. The reason liars can take any form, however, is that as personal as the act feels, it’s often nothing but a bad habit.
After all, nose-pickers aren’t trying to gross you out, nervous whistlers aren’t trying to annoy the shit out of you, and alcoholics aren’t getting shitfaced just to make your life more difficult. You feel like you’re in the crosshairs, but you’re just collateral damage. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
