Posted by fxckfeelings on August 8, 2013
In family disputes, the nuclear option isn’t sending a child to his room or your spouse to the sofa, it’s breaking a tense silence and dropping an angry “I told you so.” How four little words can express so much contempt, rage, and blame is a true linguistic mystery, but as phrases go, it can be a weapon of mass destruction. Instead of doing major damage by adopting the language and tactics of your enemy, choose silence, which empowers you to define positive goals and express them when your rage is under control. Then, when and if you do say “I told you so,” the words are disarmed; it’s your vision that wins and no one need feel humiliated or defeated.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve decided to leave my wife because I’m tired of always carrying the ball and cleaning up after her messes, which are frequent and horrendous, because she never seems to follow through on paying a bill or responding to mail and always pretends that there’s no problem. That means she’s the one who seems calm and says everything’s fine, and I’m the one who’s spitting mad at the late fees and legal problems she’s created, which makes my kids think I’m the bad guy. I can’t think of a thing I can tell them without expressing my rage at their mother, which just pushes them further away. Now they think she’s a marshmallow and, when she doesn’t keep her commitments, they’re sorry for her for being depressed. I think of her as a malignant marshmallow, but my silence leaves me undefended and I can’t say “I told you so” without making her look like a victim. My goal is to think of some way to break out of this prison of silence.
Being too angry to speak is like being too full to eat or too tired to move; it’s your body putting the breaks on, pulling out all the stops to save your ass.
Just as it’s better to put your fork down instead of inhale pasta ’til you puke or try to ignore your sleepiness and get behind the wheel, it’s often better to be struck dumb than to find a way to express yourself and explode your family.
You’re probably right to be afraid of the bad effect your words would have on your kids, even if your silence does little to defend you from looking like the baddie. Don’t despair, however, of finding something constructive to say. Just let your anger cool and compose yourself before beginning your composition. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 5, 2013
When someone attacks you because they’re hurt, you have no choice but to enter an emotional battle dome. If you care too much, you’ll feel cornered, attack them back, and you’re an asshole for being mean. On the other hand, if you back off, they’ll feel more hurt, and you’re an asshole for not caring enough. Either way, if you attempt retaliation, the situation will become “two angry people enter, only one sulks away.” Instead, develop your own rules for doing right by your friends and responding to grievances. Then, even if they can’t stop feeling hurt, you can do what’s right without acting more like the jerk they think you are, and leave the battle dome unscathed.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I get along very well most of the time, which is a good thing, because we run a business together. Typically, however, when we have fights, it’s not easy for either one of us to get over them. Recently, I said something she thought was demeaning, and she blew up at me in front of our friends. A day or so later I thought it over and apologized, because she was right, but she said that wasn’t enough and that she just about had enough of me. Then that reminded me of all the times she had acted like an asshole and I put up with it, but I don’t want to start the fight up again by reminding her of all those times and, at the same time, I hate that she’s huffy and threatening to leave. I was big enough to apologize, so she should be, too. My goal is to have a better marriage and not fight so much, which I think means getting her to play fair.
In a traditional shakedown, you’re offered your money or your life. In a partnership, however, the threat isn’t delivered in a dark alley but a well-lit bedroom, and it’s a lot more fraught; you’re offered the choice between your marriage or your pride.
It certainly would be better, if you’re sensitive to criticism, to have married someone who doesn’t hold grudges and isn’t too sensitive, but that’s obviously not what happened. Thankfully, your wife has other good qualities that have kept you together for many years and allowed you to be good business partners. Putting your marriage before her win, however, isn’t one of them. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 1, 2013
Self-confidence, like humility, is least often felt by those who deserve it most—call it the Trump theory of confidence conservation, with the baselessly-smug balancing out the needlessly self-doubting. Instead of paying attention to feelings of self-assurance, decide whether you or others have done their best, given what’s available. If so, try to act on that judgment, regardless of how you feel or how much confidence you encounter. Then you’ll do right by yourself and feel good about it, but not Donald-good, if you know what’s good for you.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know what to make of my wife’s efforts to find a job. When we married two years ago, she had a good job and enough money to take care of herself, but then she was put on probation—it didn’t bother her—and, since getting fired, she doesn’t seem to be trying hard to find new work. She knocks herself out to help me with errands, but then she always eats out for lunch and spends her time shopping with money she doesn’t really have. She doesn’t look worried, but I can’t get a straight story out of her about her budget or savings, and I’m beginning to worry what will happen when the money runs out. That includes my money, because I can’t afford to support the two of us indefinitely, particularly with her level of spending. I don’t want to undermine her confidence, which she obviously has lots of, or to mess up a loving relationship, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I say nothing. So what should I say?
Some people have an unshakeable confidence in themselves but shouldn’t, and for them, there is little solace. Everybody worries about people with low self-esteem, but for those with excessive self-esteem, the world is a cold place. On the other hand, they have so much faith in themselves, they don’t care.
Those with excessive self-esteem don’t necessarily suffer from too much pride or big egos, or deny some truth they don’t want to face. They just don’t see how fucked up they are because they believe they’re completely capable, and it prevents them from doing anything about their problems. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 29, 2013
Explanations, like apologies and “I love you’s, are often forced, overly weighted, and more trouble than they’re worth. No matter how problematic, these verbal tokens are always in demand, which is why people sometimes ask you for explanations that aren’t owed and sometimes don’t give you ones that are. In either case, ignore your instinct to smooth things out or listen to lame excuses; instead, learn to recognize when someone else’s sense of right and wrong is different from yours and when further conversation will do more harm than good. That’s when your job is to accept no further talk—no empty excuses, “sorry”s, or declarations of love–and let actions do your talking.
–Dr. Lastname
My brother really gets under my skin by asking me to do things he has no right to expect, as if he’s entitled to my help simply because I’m his brother. He never considers whether he has a right to something; if I have it and he wants it, he expects me to fork it over because we’re family. The latest was his wish to be invited to my wife’s family’s vacation home when we’re taking a vacation there (along with my wife’s family). I explained to him that I have no right to invite him, and there’s no room, and my in-laws don’t like a crowd. No matter, he still walked away pissed, as if I wouldn’t even try to get him what he wants. I know he’s like this with everyone, but what I want to know is why does it get to me so much and how can I explain to him that this is something I just can’t do for him and he’s wrong to expect it?
Your brother may be wrong to expect you to hand him an invite to a house that isn’t yours to invite him to, but false expectations seems to run in the family; that may be why you expect yourself to explain the obvious to him, and get through to him if you do.
If you want to be less reactive to your brother’s unreasonable demands and get out of the family habit of false moral assumptions, have more respect for your own sense of right and wrong. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 25, 2013
The phrase, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going,” is a bit unclear; after all, in a tough situation, you can either buckle down and get more focused or just give up and get going outta there. Trying harder or just giving up both give us a sense of control, but no matter where the tough go, either choice can easily make things worse. So when life becomes difficult, first assess the odds that more work will yield more positive results. Then, if there’s no way out of a tough spot, respect yourself for what it takes to eat shit and stay put. And no matter what, always make careful use of your clichés.
–Dr. Lastname
I know my adult daughter is a terrible avoider and procrastinator—she struggled all throughout school, and only graduated from college with a lot of help—but she made great progress a year ago after we developed a schedule and daily to-do list, and she was very good about using me as her coach. After her last lay-off, however, she lost steam and started looking depressed—she stopped getting up on time, keeping up with her calls, getting exercise, going through her mail, etc. She’s not totally incapacitated and we still talk every day, but she’s vague about what she’s actually accomplished. I’m thinking we should start over and develop a new system for evaluating what she needs to do and tracking whether she’s done it. When I talk with her about starting a new system, however, she gives me more vague answers, which leaves me frustrated and very, very worried. I’ve got to find some way to push her or she’ll never get going and then it will become more and more difficult for her to resume her career. She’s almost 30, and I can’t push her forever.
Throughout time, humans have developed useless-yet-comforting rituals to ease us through hopeless situations; from ducking and covering through a nuclear blast to stocking up on duct tape during an orange alert, there’s nothing like an empty ritual to distract you from the fact that, ultimately, you’re totally fucked.
As such, the good news is, you’ve done everything right by your daughter to help her manage procrastination by drawing up a schedule and to-do list and offering to track them with her. The bad news is that all those positive steps sometimes lead nowhere, and trying to figure out a new system at such a time might be about a useful as hiding under a desk to avoid a mushroom cloud. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 22, 2013
If you’ve ever driven in bad weather and started to lose control of your car, you know that your instincts, for better or worse, are to panic and let the wheel spin where it may or grip the wheel with white knuckles and try to overpower nature itself. Sadly, a lot of people react the same way when tragedy sets their own lives skidding off course, and no matter how much you understand their pain, you can’t stop them when they begin to slide. If that happens, however, to someone you share a life with, you may be able to straighten them out by following through on your own priorities and assuring them that your way, and your support, will help them retake their place at the wheel.
–Dr. Lastname
I know he can’t help it, but my husband has become a control freak and I can’t stand it. It started when our daughter was born with cystic fibrosis. She’s has been in an out of the hospital her whole life and the stress for us as parents is often overwhelming. My husband does an amazing job of keeping us organized and getting our daughter to her appointments—he was going to be a stay-at-home dad even before she got sick—but he’s also become overbearing and picky about everything we do, especially everything I do, which isn’t the way he was when we first married. I hate to criticize him when I know what’s driving him crazy and our first priority is sticking together, but I find I’m angry at him all the time and sad that we can never be close. Just because I’m not as obsessive as he is about our daughter doesn’t mean I don’t care. What can I do?
Let’s assume, for the moment, that you’ve gone through your best attempts to get your husband to see that he has become too controlling; you’ve tried to find him an ear, show him respect, and done everything short of shaking him really hard, all to no avail. In his campaign to control everything, he can’t control himself.
While getting physical is always a bad idea, so is trying to get persuasive. Instead, use your modest powers to draw the line and give him a hard time if he crosses it. This is the only way to find out whether he’s can learn to hold back for the sake of your marriage, or whether you need to put your marriage on hold. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 18, 2013
Saying that being depressed just means being sad is like saying that having cancer means feeling nauseous; depression involves a lot more than misery, including anxiety, self-doubt, exhaustion, physical pain, and even nausea, depending on the individual. Some people are always at least a little depressed because they’re never satisfied with themselves, and others have severe symptoms but only briefly after special disappointments. In either case, until depression gets it’s own chemo-like treatment, people can seldom cure their symptoms. They can, however, learn to think more positively about their lives while not confusing the pain of symptoms with failure or character defects, or the pain of life with depression in general.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a very demanding and high pressure job, part of which is done in public, so when I make a mistake, I can’t stop thinking about it or beating myself up. I always think the worst, even for the minor stuff, but I don’t understand why. I accept mistakes in others, why can’t I accept them in myself? I am not arrogant or self-important; just the opposite, I often think I’m the dumbest, most inept person in the room. I’ve had some success but I always attribute that to external forces, not anything I’ve done. This is starting to really affect my life. I cry a lot. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
The fact that you got such a demanding and high pressure/profile job probably means that you have what it takes to get it done, but part of what helped you get it and do it well is being ultra-conscientious, which means worrying, self-criticism, and now, probably, depression. Circle of life, meet circle of strife.
The good side of worry and anxiety is that they drive you to work harder and look out for mistakes. Worriers succeed, not to keep my industry alive, but because worry-genes help people survive and multiply. The negative side of these genes, however, is that they set you up for negative thinking and depression. Anxiety and depression are just two sides of the same miserable coin. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 15, 2013
Love and hate aren’t opposites, they’re siblings, which is why there’s a level of hatred you can only feel for someone you’re involved with, and at your rage-iest moments, it’s often hard to figure out whether your relationship is healthy. It’s especially difficult at those times since you may be too distracted by love, hate, rage, passion, etc. to define the specific requirements that matter most to a partnership or you may be too spooked by a close relationship to ever feel comfortable. In either case, a little hate in a relationship is healthy; it’s being too indifferent, either to make the effort to assess what you need or learn how to assert yourself with your partner, that spells trouble.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m really stuck on my relationship. The first year was great, then we moved in and I’ve been in this space of questioning it ever since. I’ve never lived with anyone and have only had one other long-term relationship so have little to compare it to. I have come to realize over the past year through counseling that my thoughts about relationships have been mostly fantasies, thinking that it’s easy and fulfilling all the time. This one has required me to do a lot of ‘work’ overcoming this, compromising, changing my views, and pushing myself to bring up difficult conversations. We are great friends and have similar values, which I think is what holds us together. However on a day-to-day basis we argue quit a bit, have different preferences on lifestyle (he likes to be out all the time, I am a home body), and sometimes have different views on romantic relationships. I understand that differences are inevitable but what I am really having trouble with is determining if I should continue to work on these issues and accept that relationships have never been easy for me, or if he’s not the right match. I could keep looking and find myself in the same boat with another man a few years later. Or, I could be realistic, know that it’s not like it is in the movies and settle down and start a family, which is ultimately what I want. What is your view on this?
To paraphrase Tolstoy, all successful relationships are alike; every unhappy relationship is unhappy in its own way. The signs pointing to a partner’s worthiness are fairly obvious—if they’re responsible, share your values and your friends, all factors you’re taking into account—but the small things that can doom a relationship are often more unique.
You’re on the right track about advancing a close relationship by living together to discover how you and your boyfriend gel in very realistic, specific ways, but you need to be even more specific now about the significant differences that remain between you and your partner, particularly if, as you say, you want to start a family. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 11, 2013
While “crisis management” is fairly well-known (at least if you’re Paula Deen), we see our field as pre-crisis management, because, more often than not, it’s easier to predict a personal disaster than a natural one. Sometimes people enter into a perfectly predictable crisis because acknowledging the warning signs would ruin the romance, and other times they see the signs but keep on going anyway because planning ahead takes too much work and maybe involves math. In either case, as long as you don’t blame yourself too much and accept the fact that caution will often force you to stop when you’d really like to go forward, there’s nothing that can stop you from learning, doing better, and managing yourself before a crisis can take hold.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently relocated to a new state for better opportunities and to salvage my marriage. In the midst of everything I grew extremely fond of a co-worker and eventually fell in love, and during my new relationship, my husband moved out and we separated. Shortly after, the other man explained that his ex kept contacting him saying she was pregnant and that it could be his (they broke up three months before we met). She is married as well so she wasn’t sure who the father was. Anyway, the baby was born a few weeks ago and paternity has been established that it is his. Since he found out it is his we see each other less and less. He explains that he doesn’t want to be with her and loves me, but to see the baby, I can’t be around. I believe that if he truly loved me he would go about this the legal way, set up visitation and we can resume our relationship. I love him a great deal, but really don’t know how to handle this situation. All of my friends say jump ship and that it’s nothing but drama, I am having a hard time doing so. I really need some no nonsense, direct and honest advice.
When you fall in love with someone, you’re often eager to accept their explanations for the odd decisions they’ve made in their lives; money can’t buy love, but love can afford you a lot of forgiveness. Especially when you’ve made some odd decisions yourself.
Now that the honeymoon (and divorce, and new honeymoon) is over, it’s time you reviewed the facts, dug up more if possible, and asked yourself whether your boyfriend has ever managed commitment before, particularly when he had to do a little multitasking at the same time. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 8, 2013
What’s a reasonable demand on some isn’t so reasonable for others, i.e., asking someone to hit a baseball 500 feet isn’t fair unless that someone is David Ortiz. You might think it’s more acceptable to ask someone who wasn’t raised by wolves to do their dishes, or to not have to ask someone with a phone to use it once in a while. Unfortunately however, the people who don’t treat you properly, can’t, and aren’t going to, for one reason or another, so trying to set things straight makes them worse. Instead, learn to screen people for their ability to treat you (and others) in what you consider a reasonable manner. Then, once you become friends, roommates, or partners, you won’t have to worry too much about whether they do their share, since you agree on a set of standards for behavior (and not baseball talent).
–Dr. Lastname
Admittedly I like things neat and clean, but I don’t expect too much from a roommate—she’s got to be a real slob to get me upset, which, unfortunately, my current roommate is, and has. She dumps dishes in the sink without rinsing them, never fills or empties the dishwasher, never tidies up, and doesn’t pay the rent until I’ve nagged her 2 or 3 times. The last time this happened with a roommate, I tried leaving notes taped to the dishwasher and sink saying, “Please don’t leave un-rinsed dishes in the sink. Thank you.” And “Please run the dishwasher whenever it’s full. Thank you.” I thought polite reminders would be helpful, but she seemed to resent the notes and stopped talking to me. My goal is to get my roommate to do her share without starting a war.
Sadly, there is no such thing as a “polite reminder,” just passive nudges, put into writing. To a bad roommate, you’re a nagging parent, making the rules of the house, and to you, as we always say, a bad roommate is like a crappy pet, like a lizard or hamster, who needs you to feed them and clean their cage while they nap in the sun.
What you’re looking for is a fair world, and to get that, you need magic, not Post-Its. Parents, of course, have magical superpowers at their disposal—overwhelming muscular superiority, tight fiscal control, and a stranglehold on the entire food supply—and they are often reduced to tears. So give it your best, but be prepared for failure/splitting the rent with an angry humanoid ferret.
You’ve already discovered the risk of offering reminders and suggestions to someone who is always fucking up; you feel you’re putting in extra work to help her do what shouldn’t require reminding. She feels her parents are criticizing her for being the poorly mannered, lazy fuck-up she’s always been. In our weaker moments, we shrinks call that “transference,” as a way of explaining why some of our patients hate us when we’re just trying to help. Now that you’ve been a transference-butt (technical term), you know why you should drop the notes idea. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
