Posted by fxckfeelings on June 13, 2013
Parents can be responsible for making sure their kids are clothed, bathed, and fed, and even the bathing part is a stretch if your kid is a teenaged boy. After that, almost everything is out of a parent’s hands, especially behavior. Under normal circumstances, there’s lots you can do to help a kid control his bad behavior, assuming you stay positive, provide him with effective limits, and encourage him to endure whatever internal demons and nasty frustrations are flipping him out. Under abnormal circumstances, however, you may well do everything, accomplish nothing, and find it’s better redirecting your energies to where they’ll do more good, even if it’s just making sure they have some soap.
–Dr. Lastname
My twelve-year-old daughter can be difficult with her father and she’s not always respectful to her teachers, but she’s basically a good kid and I can count on her to do her homework and be reasonably nice to her sibs. Lately, however, I’ve been getting more complaints than usual and I’ve noticed that she looks pretty irritable and unhappy most of the time. I don’t want to come down too hard on her, but I don’t want to ignore the fact that I’m responsible for how she behaves and she hasn’t been particularly nice to people. My goal is to figure out how to take her problem seriously without making her feel I’m too critical.
When you feel responsible for your child’s behavior—or your dog’s, or even just your own weight or success—then you feel obliged to get it under control. Unfortunately, responsibility and control do not go hand-in-hand; if your kid is spoiled, needs a talking-to, and has the ability to learn from it, then a conversation might work. Otherwise, think again, because you’re trying to control what even she cannot.
In this case, you’re suggesting that your daughter already knows what she should be doing but that something is bringing out the worst in her. A serious talk about her behavior may help her stop, but there’s a danger, particularly if you sound too angry or moralistic, of worsening her mood, provoking self-hate, and stimulating defiance or self-harm. You both want the same thing, but frustration will make it even more impossible. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 10, 2013
While many have argued that romantic feelings can alter a person’s ability to reason, they also seem alter one’s vision, either giving one the ability to see faults in their partner and relationship that aren’t visible to the ordinary naked eye, or blinding them to real details in a rose-colored cloud. The best way to correct this impaired vision isn’t with glasses, but by keeping your eyes shut for a bit and looking inward; all good partnerships require behavior that meets your idea of what the job requires. So instead of analyzing unhappy feelings or taking comfort in love, figure out what you want him or her to do, dig for facts, and make it clear what’s acceptable and what isn’t, according to your experiences. Then, regardless of whether you break your heart or just his, you’ll have what you need, and you’ll never have to wonder what you “saw in him,” or what to look for going forward.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been in a relationship for about five years now but I’ve gradually realized that my significant other derives his self-worth from a futile “Superman complex,” and he has admitted as much. That is, he feels his parents are stuck in an unhappy marriage, they express panic at the thought of him leaving home once a steady job comes along, and he has to make them happy. He takes the approach that he’s the mortar holding unhappy people together, whether they be relatives, friends, or coworkers. I’ve let him know my opinion, that he’s not helping them one whit, and that he may be keeping them from advancing in one direction or the other. Up goes the great “you’re wrong” wall of China. He hides low self-esteem behind a front of cockiness and runs like hell from any negative emotion (i.e., bottles it up and believes the pressure will never blow). I don’t understand how someone who doesn’t love himself can truly love anyone else, let alone me. I know I can’t force a change in him, but I still feel driven to reason with him since he professes to be a creature of logic. His intentions are ultimately good. Am I being completely dumb and trying to salvage a relationship that was built on unsteady ground to begin with?
Before you get too convinced that your boyfriend’s Superman issues are going to drive you apart, remember that Superman himself is rarely actually single. So, instead of assuming his parents are your relationship’s Kryptonite, ask yourself what you want from him and to what degree his unhappiness and over-involvement with his parents get in the way, if they do.
Lots of people can’t stop being unhappy because it’s not under their control, and expecting them to be happy leads to nothing but disappointment and a sense of failure. No matter how much you love someone, remember, you can’t make it work unless you also accept him, so if you need a happier guy, maybe you should look elsewhere. Superman or no, he’s powerless to his emotions. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 6, 2013
When it comes to drinking, or really any addiction, it’s hard to stop without a “good reason,” especially if you think there’s a better reason not to quit. Then there’s the expectation that, if you really need to stop, the good reason fairy will visit you in the middle of the night to let you know (usually while you’re sleeping in a stranger’s bed, in a dark alley, or a puddle of puke). In reality, it’s up to the drinker to decide if s/he has to stop, and rational thinking about drinking doesn’t require a degree in addictionology. All you need is discipline to gather facts, courage to look at them, and determination to use good reasoning to do what you think is best for yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve lived alone since my daughter left for college (my wife died years before) and I wonder if I’m drinking too much. I’m good enough at my job, but the head of our office doesn’t respect me and I wonder if I’ll have to move on. I’ve always had a tendency to get depressed and I see a therapist, but my antidepressant medication doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t sleep well. I’m not sure drinking is doing any harm and it certainly eases the pain, but I do get completely drunk every night, and it’s become the highlight of my day. I’ve got no friends currently, but I’ve never been a sociable guy so it doesn’t interfere with my social life, and since I’m alone, I get no complaints from friends or family. No harm done. I’m healthy and my hangover isn’t bad, so I wonder whether my drinking is worth worrying about, or whether I should just focus on getting help for my depression.
To paraphrase the old koan, if a person falls into excessive drinking without anyone around to become concerned, does it make that person a drunk? Nobody can ask the tree if it thinks it made a sound, but since you’re a person, you’re not just able, but the only one qualified, to answer the question.
You might be persuaded that you’re drinking too much if a therapist suggested you were using it to escape painful feelings, or if a spouse complained, but then later on you might decide that there’s nothing wrong with escaping when life sucks and your spouse has no right to complain because her nagging drives you to it. Outside opinion is as easy to ignore as the sound of one hand clapping. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 3, 2013
No one controls the nature of their sexual needs, including their strength, timing, and target, but we all have reason to control what we do with them. That’s why “I couldn’t help it” is never a convincing alibi, for either sexual indiscretion or disinterest, because even the most impulsive and passive people can manage their impulses with enough effort. Sooner or later, the difference between getting sexual satisfaction and being a good partner creates a conflict that tests your ability to remember and act on your values, regardless of where your needs want to take you. That’s when you need to find the strength to “help it,” whether it is your needs, your relationship, and/or yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife, but I’ve always had a taste for sex with prostitutes, even though it costs more money than I can afford, and getting married two years ago didn’t made a difference to my bad habits. My wife works hard and we pool our incomes, so she hasn’t noticed that we have less money than might be expected from the salary I make. I hate myself when I do it, and I don’t much enjoy it, so I can’t figure out why I haven’t been able to stop. I guess I’m an impulsive person, because there are corners I cut at work that might get me fired and I haven’t been able to stop that either. I must have a deep desire to get myself into trouble. My goal is to figure out what’s wrong with me and be more normal.
The biggest reason not to waste your time trying to figure out why you can’t stop spending money you don’t have on prostitutes is that you’ve already got your answer; you’re an impulsive guy, always have been, even when it fucked up your self-interest and ran against your moral values. You’re like Columbo, knowing who the perp is all along (but that makes you the guilty party, as well).
Being called impulsive isn’t meant as criticism, just a description of a big problem that usually remains a mystery when anyone tries to explain it, or understand why one person has it and another doesn’t. The question isn’t why–the answer to that is the same as to the answer to “why are whores so pricey?,” because life’s unfair–but what to do about it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2013
While we all work for a boss in one way or another, it’s safer to do so strictly for the paycheck, instead of the emotional reward of approval. Otherwise, caring too much about whether the boss appreciates your performance can ruin your job satisfaction, even when you know you’ve done it well, or spark you into self-destructive rebellion. So the best thing to do is not work too hard for the boss, the Man, or the Woman; it’s to become your own judge of what constitutes a good day’s work and a reasonable worker’s boss, judge yourself accordingly, and keep getting paid.
–Dr. Lastname
I loved my job at the nursing home for the first 20 years or so, and we were a great team, but the last ten years have been much harder, mainly because we had to move further away because of my wife’s work and I’ve had a tough 90 minute commute each way ever since. I worked extra hard, stayed late, and continued to do the job pretty well, but between being tired and older, I stopped enjoying it and I think my boss was less happy with me. I needed the work, however, so I soldiered along and never got a bad performance review, though it was hard feeling my boss and I were no longer as friendly as we used to be. Six months ago I decided it was time to retire—the kids have graduated college and the pension isn’t bad—so I announced it to my boss, and since then it’s gotten more painful. He didn’t hide his relief and immediately hired my replacement, whom I’m supposed to train. My goal is to get over feeling like I’ve failed at the job that I gave most of my life to, since they’re really glad to see me go.
No one who labors for ten years at a job requiring a three-hour daily commute in order to support his family and secure a pension should ever consider himself a failure, let alone give a shit what anyone else thinks, especially on your way out.
If your boss is eager to see you go, then that’s his problem; you gave him many years of good work and dedicated service, and countless hours suffering through gridlock and morning zoo radio shows. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 27, 2013
It’s a long weekend in the US for Memorial Day, so as you fight battles with your family over old grudges or just the last hotdog, remember those who lost their lives in real battles (and also to write us, because even if the battles with your sister-in-law never result in fatalities, she’s still really annoying).
Until Thursday,
Dr. Lastname
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 23, 2013
As we often say, approaching dating as a “search for love” is like trying to keep people safe by starting a “war on terror;” since you can’t date love and you can’t kill hate, your quest is likely to be frustrating. Sometimes people doing a mate-search have a good idea about what to look for but don’t have the good work habits they need for the job. Others with fine work habits get staggered when the carefully chosen prince or princess they kiss turns out to be a frog. Remember, unless you’re very lucky, any search requires both a disciplined method and an acceptance of the fact that good matches are hard to find. The less romantic you are in your methods, the more romantic you can let yourself feel later on, but at the outset, figure out exactly who, not what, you’re looking for, in order to have good—or any—results.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve struggled with depression several times in the past (that I’ve gotten out of through exercise, counseling and little cognitive therapy workbooks), so sad feelings are hardly new to me. But the sudden way they come about lately has me really freaked out. I actually like my job. If I let my work pay for more schooling, and I stick with it, I could make a really good life for myself. These mood swings seem to mostly exaggerate sad feelings I already have about not getting any and might be related to PMS, although I’ve never had period-related mood swings like this before in my life. Despite being an attractive, young girl that likes to go out and be social, I’ve never had a long-term boyfriend. I’m so frustrated that I can’t find a guy that I’m both attracted to and think is a good person, and that likes me back. (Habits like spending money on expensive clothes instead of student loans, and drinking lots on the weekends don’t help.) I eventually want babies (I think I would be a great mom), a partner, a garden, and to be a good person so my goal is to somehow control these mood swings, and maybe take online dating a little more seriously. I just want your opinion first.
From what you’ve said, my opinion isn’t far from your own; your values and goals are good, but your habits and mood swings aren’t. You’ve found a job you care about and want to get better at, but between dips of depression, drinking, and being distracted by the wrong guys, you’re stuck.
It’s not unusual for depression to push people into bad habits, like drinking and other feel-better-now-sorry-later activities, just in case the disease alone isn’t doing enough to make you feel like a pathetic loser who can’t get work done or have normal social relationships.
As you’re well aware, it takes time, lots of practice, and even worksheets to keep your perspective and hold your ground against an invasion of negative depressive thoughts. If you want my opinion on that specifically, I think it sucks, but there’s no way around it, and drinking only makes them worse. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 20, 2013
It’s appropriate that singer Mary J. Blige had a hit singing, “I just wanna be happy” since her best songs were about being miserable. Everybody thinks they want happiness, but like wealth, fame, and everything else on Blige’s own episode of Behind the Music, happiness is too erratic and temporary to set your hopes on, and concerning oneself too much with it is a good way to get a headache and feel like a loser. Instead, think hard about the values that give you direction, whether you’re happy or not. If they’re good values, they’ll always take you in the right direction and will give you strength, regardless of whether you have another hit.
–Dr. Lastname
I fell in love with the wonderful work I was doing in South Africa, but in the two years since I returned to the States, I still struggle with connecting and finding friendships or a relationship with meaning. In South Africa, I worked with an organization that rehabilitated inner-city gang kids to get them back in the public school system. The experience was life changing. I fell in love with the children I worked with, the mentality of the locals, the culture, and the relationships I built with like-minded volunteers. Unfortunately, since I’ve been back, my connections with my friends were no longer the same because they could not relate to the life and experiences I lived abroad. I’m in my mid-20s, and my life is good in many ways, but most of my friends are getting married, having children, or going to graduate school now, and I am at a stand still…stuck in time with memories I wish I was still living. I want to be able to relate and understand the people in my life. I want to feel fulfilled and in love with my surrounding and the life I’m living again.
The trouble with wonderful, life-transforming jobs is that they don’t actually transform your life, just your expectations. The stars align for a brief period of self-discovery and fulfillment, but then the earth keeps rotating, and the stars shift away again.
Even though good times like that inherently can’t last, they still leave you feeling that, if you were able to find it once, you should be able to find it again. Unfortunately, good luck, like bad luck and the earth on its axis, moves on, whether you like it or not, sometimes leaving you not just with a sense of loss, but also of having missed the boat. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 16, 2013
Criticism, like network sitcoms, gas station food, and internet trolls, requires careful consideration before you decide whether it’s worth taking to heart/anymore of your time. Unfortunately, many people in relationships immediately take and react to their partner’s criticism, even when it’s wrong, either because they’re so used to being in the wrong and feeling guilty, or because they have such a strong need for unconditional (or just fairly conditional) approval that they can’t stand not getting it. In any case, before you react to your spouse’s disapproval, consult your own standards of behavior and respect yourself if you know you’re living up to them, outsourcing the need for praise to friends or hairdressers if approval is really that important. As long as you respect your own good judgment, you’ll have no problem managing judgments you don’t agree with, and won’t have to waste your time feeling annoyed, sick or guilty over bad TV, bad sushi, or bad criticism again.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stand my husband’s criticism but the fact is, I’ve deserved it, because I’ve been a lush for twenty years and not much use after 9 PM. I’ve always worked hard and the kids think I was a pretty good parent before 9. Still, I feel I’ve been a failure as a wife, even though I think one reason I drank so much is because my husband’s overbearing criticism really got on my nerves, and booze was the easiest way to cope. Anyway, now that the kids are grown and I’ve had more than a couple medical problems, I got myself sober, but the marriage is really no better. My husband tells me in couples therapy that our family would be a lot more secure financially if I hadn’t been a drinker (which is really bullshit) and that I still haven’t really acknowledged what a big burden I put on him (I’ve said I’m sorry, but it’s never enough). Meanwhile, he blames me for ruining his life and burning the steak. I’m so angry I’m not sure I want to stay with him, but it’s hard to have any conversation that doesn’t turn on his right to be angry at me, which I think, given my history, he has. My goal is to figure out whether I want to stay with him for the next part of my life.
One of the unfortunate things that happen when you’re ashamed of bad behavior in a close relationship is that you lose the ability to stand up for yourself, even when your behavior is actually OK. You might always be an alcoholic, but you’re not always going to be at fault for everything in your husband’s life that goes wrong.
Escaping into drinking, affairs, or any major kind of avoidance may give you temporary relief from an unhappy relationship, but it also secures your right to feel even more totally responsible for that unhappiness than you did in the first place. You’re essentially breaking out of one prison and into another, even shittier one. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 13, 2013
While it’s said that you only hurt the ones you love, it would be more honest to say that you only hurt the ones who love you. What’s worse, that hurt usually comes from pushing them away when they’re trying too hard to help. Trying to redeem or heal someone, or yourself, through caring and communication usually does less rescuing and more repulsing. After all, if one or both people can’t consistently manage their own responsibilities, honest talk and helpfulness does little but make excuses and turn love into prolonged anguish. Develop a reasonable set of standards about what a person should do to take care of him/herself, before you offer or ask for help. Otherwise, you’ll earn all too well how true the “help until it hurts” saying is.
–Dr. Lastname
My friend and I have feelings for each other, which are no secret to either of us—we had kissed and had even gotten close to having sex but when it came down to being completely honest about our feelings we couldn’t do it. I knew this was unhealthy but I was scared because not only are we both guys but we both had a lot of issues when it came to love. He would say things like, “I don’t know what I want,” and “Don’t fall in love with me.” It was confusing because before that he would be asking me to “make love to him” and had even said, “I love you” twice. I know that part of it was fear of being with another guy. Then, two months ago, I got into a car accident because I was drunk. He was there but, luckily, no one was hurt. Now he says he’s forgiven me, but he has also picked up a girlfriend, which was a shock to me and it hurt. In the beginning we had great chemistry but then we lost that when we stopped being honest with each other. I believe it happened when feelings started getting intense. I want for us to stop hurting each other and start being honest. I’m not sure how to do this and it is breaking my heart. I wouldn’t mind being his friend if he would just stop playing games or whatever this is with me. Is he just confused or being cruel? I can’t make up my mind.
Hollywood wisdom is that women don’t like Sci-Fi and Fantasy, but given how far-fetched your average romantic comedy is, that’s simply untrue. A movie about two people with great chemistry overcoming impossible circumstances by having a heart-to-heart and ending up happily ever after is built on a reality so false, it makes The Hobbit look plausible.
While that good, honest talk solves all romantic problems in TV/movie fantasyland, frustration like what you’re experiencing in real life is more often due to the other things that you’ve mentioned troubling you and your friend: confusion, fear, and uncertainty about who each of you wants to be with and who you want to be. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
