Posted by fxckfeelings on November 1, 2019
In the give and take of marriage, it’s common for one partner to suck up having to cook and pick up the dirty socks because their spouse grits his or her teeth through doing the dishes and take out the garbage. But if one partner ends up with the cooking, the socks, the dishes, and the garbage, the give and take, and the marriage, can give way entirely. So here are five ways to hold your subpar parter accountable for doing his or her share.
1) Fairly Consider His Contributions
If you’re frustrated by the fact you do everything in your marriage while your spouse does nothing/God knows what, take a pause to consider whether you’re being fair or just fed up and frustrated. After all, as we always say, the point of getting married is always having someone to blame; if you’re dealing with stress, depression, or separate marital issues, it’s easy to see your spouse’s actions, words, and/or stupid face as the source of your problems. So begin by making a thoughtful, thorough list of all the things you do and all the things he does. And if your list is still lopsided, despite being objective, you know that you’re right to address the issue.
2) Tackle Your Terms
Draw up a revised, fair marital job description for your partner that takes into account what you want as well as the ways he is wanting, i.e., his obliviousness and lack of motivation. You don’t necessarily want to divvy everything up 50/50, not just because you can’t change his weaknesses, but also because you want to take advantage of his strengths as well as your own. A good job description then includes tasks he’s good at, puts more emphasis on effort and commitment than results, and leaves you with confidence that you’re better off with his contributions as a whole rather than with not having to take care of him.
3) Navigate Negotiations
Bring up your new terms in a positive context that implies no blame, regardless of how you really feel. Present your reasons for re-evaluating his family-related activities as a way of improving his level of function, maximizing his positive impact on the family, and relieving you of any additional responsibilities you’ve picked up when he was unable to do them or unaware they existed in the first place. Of course, you may describe problems, such as your overwork or the kids’ dysfunction, as reasons for this negotiation, but not as evidence of his personal or moral failure (even though that’s what you may feel). Condemnation, however deserved, is rarely constructive.
4) Pin Point Problem Behaviors
Again, without implying that he’s lazy or purposefully negligent, specify any behaviors that you’ve observed that tend to undermine his productivity. For instance, if he spends too much time hanging out with his buddies, drinking, or playing video games, show respect for his right to relax before discussing the impact of his behaviors on the time he spends doing his share around the house, hanging out with the kids or having private time with you. Or if he doesn’t stick to a budget, describe the negative impact on everyone’s choices, including his.
5) Conclude Confidently
Aside from remaining positive, the key to getting your point across is conveying confidence; if you know that what you’re asking for is well thought out and reasonable, there’s no reason to be defensive or timid. With conviction, state your belief that he and the rest of the family will be better off if events prove you right, and that argument is unnecessary; if he disagrees, the only way he can convince you you’re wrong is if he can’t meet your terms despite his best efforts. In the meantime, you will continue to wish for his success with your plan, especially since continuing to endure your partnership in its present form will force you to reassess your future plans entirely.
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 17, 2019
Unless you’re a hairstylist, surgeon, or murderer, changing other people is basically impossible. Just because the flaws in your partner’s character are never going to change, however, doesn’t mean that you’re stuck with the bad behavior they cause. Shame and condemnation certainly won’t get him to improve. But if you can learn to keep personal criticism and angry feelings to yourself and describe bad behavior in terms of its dysfunction, rather than as evidence of purposeful malice, you can motivate a partner to improve his act while avoiding nasty struggles and intense argument. Then he might be motivated to work on those flaws before you become a murderer yourself.
– Dr. Lastname
I accept that there are things that are unchangeable in my marriage of three decades. I love my husband and want to stay married, but I am increasingly irritated by being the breadwinner, planner, homemaker, gift buyer, family relationship keeper, cheerleader, etc., etc., while my husband seems to slide through life without much effort. He is in therapy for depression related to a shitty childhood and current career issues, and I am mostly understanding; however, I have recently begun to blow up at stupid, careless (but not intentional) actions on his part, the most recent being his ruining my expensive kitchen shears during one of his typical, fruitless home improvement projects. It makes me feel guilty to make him unhappy, but I can’t seem to stop myself in the moment. I suspect I am also realizing that he may always be dependent on me, which is also frustrating. My goal is to figure out how to change the way I react before I kill him, our marriage, or both.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 3, 2019
Nobody wants to hear that their health problems are chronic, i.e., that the symptoms you’re dealing with are never really going to go away. If you’ve got anxiety, however, it’s not just unpleasant to hear that you’ve got a chronic illness–it can be downright impossible. Your brain is wired to obsess, so it’s natural to keep searching for a solvable problem instead of accepting the one you’ve got. Instead of fruitlessly fixating on ways to fix yourself, here are five ways to force yourself to accept you’ve got a chronic illness.
1) Resist Revisiting the Diagnosis
Don’t believe your feelings when they tell you that if you could just find a better doctor/hospital/health care system then you’d be able to find someone who knows how to help. Bad news often makes people feel that way, but searching for better news is a good way to make the inevitable disappointment even more painful. Your job isn’t to find a cure or just the right doctor to deliver it, but to look for treatments that might help and figure out how much risk they pose to your health and finances.
2) Get A Civilian Second Opinion
Find a friend, relative, or therapist who can help you figure out your options, focus your questions and keep them realistic. Don’t look for blanket reassurance and emotional support, which won’t protect you from listening to every charismatic quack you find or embracing a never-ending series of unlikely and dangerous treatments. Ask your trusted guide to help you interpret what your doctor says and ask yourself and your doctor whether you’ve gotten all the necessary tests, what any possible risks or side effects are to a suggested treatment, and whether you’ve tapped into all the expertise available.
3) Confusion Isn’t Failure
When the first round of tests don’t offer a cure or explanation, don’t let helplessness or fear convince you that you’ve failed to find the right help. Remind yourself that it’s important to know the conditions you don’t have; otherwise, you wouldn’t know what treatments won’t help you and aren’t worth pursuing. Then get a second medical opinion to help you figure out whether there are other tests worth doing or treatments worth trying. Either way, trial and error is what chronic illnesses are all about, so don’t get discouraged quickly if you get negative results or don’t see immediate improvement.
4) Dictate Your Own Direction
Don’t blindly ask your doctors to tell you what to do. Instead, gather as much information as you can and ask them why they think a particular diagnosis isn’t worth pursuing or treatment isn’t worth doing. Without letting your anxiety push you into an endless quest for the answer you desire, use it to gain expertise in your actual, undesirable situation so you gain confidence in your decision making. Having learned all you can, you will develop your own opinions about how you wish to manage your symptoms; knowledge may not lead you to a cure, but it will make you feel less helpless and doomed.
5) Get New Goals
Once your research into your illness has persuaded you to accept that a cure is unrealistic, assign yourself a new set of management goals. They should include seeking advice and gathering knowledge from other people with your illness who have been successful at living with their symptoms and deciding whether there are management techniques or medical treatments worth trying. You must also select clinicians who have the expertise to provide treatment, advice, and coaching over the long term. Most importantly, don’t let your diagnosis consume you; don’t focus so much on your illness that you forget the other important things in your life, like your relationships, work and values. Just because you’re not a healthy person doesn’t mean you can’t still be a good one.
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 19, 2019
Anxiety is like the “aloha” of mental illnesses; it has several different meanings, except none are evocative of greeting, peace or paradise. Not only can anxiety be a symptom of chronic illness, it can also be a chronic illness itself, as well as an intensely painful emotion that makes your worst fears seem real over time or in intense, debilitating bursts. It’s not unusual then for people with severe symptoms of anxiety to distrust diagnoses, become convinced that they’ll lose their health if they don’t obsessively, and fruitlessly, search for an answer. If, however, you use anxiety as a motivation to do research and explore alternatives, you can find good ways of managing it. That way, your anxiety, in whatever form it takes, won’t make achieving some form of aloha impossible.
-Dr. Lastname
All my life I have been a bundle of nerves and was eventually diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Recently, however, I have been experiencing debilitating physical symptoms that led me to believe that I have other medical issues that are being overlooked. I’ve been getting chest pains (which sent me to the ER and the doctors confirmed it wasn’t a heart attack), fatigue, trouble sleeping, nausea that comes and goes, brain fog, trouble seeing sometimes…most recently I developed the most annoying symptom, uncontrollable muscle twitches all over my body. My primary care physician told me this is all just anxiety manifesting itself, but the symptoms are so physical at this point that it is driving me to make appointments with specialists to find out what’s wrong before I totally lose it mentally. My goal is to find out whether this is just anxiety or something that could be even worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 5, 2019
Paranoid thoughts don’t just feel inescapable, they feel infinite; convince yourself that one person is talking about you and you can find yourself doubting every friend and decision you’ve ever made. There’s no way to stop your brain from thinking or feeling whatever it pleases, paranoid or not, but here are five ways to manage those paranoid thoughts before they paralyze you completely.
1) Don’t Go Nuts Trying To Make Them Go Away
Trying to completely stamp out paranoid thoughts and feelings is like trying to eliminate intestinal gas; it’s a futile, painful exercise that make you obsessed with an asshole. Yes, medication or relaxation exercises may help to some degree, so they’re usually worth trying. In the end, however, there are usually some paranoid thoughts you can’t get rid of and need to accept and deal with. Dealing with them, however, doesn’t mean letting them run rampant and torment you; it means developing a bullshit detector that will keep the craziest thoughts under control.
2) Don’t Confuse Thoughts with Truth
Instead of trying to eliminate paranoid thoughts, work hard to evaluate them; ask yourself exactly what you think people are saying and who’s likely to actually react so strongly. With the slightest bit of scrutiny, these thoughts become easily dismissible; it should quickly become clear that you can’t think of anything you’ve actually done wrong, or imagine the people you care about judging you so harshly or the ones you don’t care about being too concerned about you either way. If, on the other hand, you think it’s possible some of your actions have been questionable, then it’s worth taking a harder look.
3) Examine Your Actions and Acquaintances
If you suspect you’ve done something really bad, think carefully about whether this action truly goes against your own values; ask yourself whether you’ve actually done anything so wrong that would give people a right to judge you badly or earn their disapproval. If you decide you haven’t really done anything that shady but that your friends may be overreacting, think about the whether the relationships with the people who make you paranoid are actually worth it or whether you’ve done anything to make them more important than they need to be. Relationships with people who judge and scrutinize you unfairly aren’t just unimportant, they aren’t worth having, period.
4) Reject Empty Reassurance
It’s tempting to ask people to assure you that it’s all in your head, and that they’re not angry and have no critical thoughts about you. Unfortunately, making such requests is like scratching at a scab; the relief is temporary, but every time you go back for more you’re actually making the problem worse. Plus you’ll just end up getting more paranoid wondering what those people think about your requests for reassurance, which pushes you to ask again, and so on, until you really have done something they’ll have a genuine reason to be annoyed about.
5) Forget The Thoughts And Find A New Focus
Once you’ve examined the content of your thoughts, the context of the relationships that seem to stimulate them and the credibility of both, it’s time to accept your conclusion and force yourself to move on. You can’t control people’s thoughts—your own or anyone else’s—so it’s time to focus on the stuff you do control, like your words and actions, and keep busy doing things you need to do. You can’t stop being paranoid, but you can find ways to keep those thoughts from overwhelming other priorities, preventing you from making smart decisions, and generally making you (and everyone around you) miserable.
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 18, 2019
In superhero stories, all it takes is a childhood tragedy or radioactive spider bite to unleash remarkable potential. The same is often true for people with obsessive brains, except they’re triggered by a nasty personal criticism or rejection, and instead of superpowers they’re gifted with a lifetime of paranoia, neurosis and self-loathing. But if great power requires great responsibility, so do not-great brains; some personal traits, like how our minds work, are hard to like and impossible to change, but with some work and patience, they are possible to manage. Learning to live an obsessive mind, without letting your wonky thoughts control you or persuade you that strong feelings are the same thing as the truth, is a superpower of its own.
-Dr. Lastname
My mom was horrible, blah, blah, blah, specifically because when I was 13 she told me that everyone was talking about me. Yes, she said everyone. I don’t know why she told me, how she knew this, what they were saying, any of it. But for the life of me, it’s been driving me literally crazy in the decades since then trying to figure out WHY everyone was and presumably IS talking about me! Are you seeing the problem here? I have obviously become a self-centered, paranoid, perfectionist asshole that is driving everyone (?) insane and I’m miserable. My goal is to forget my mother’s “wise words” and stop being so paranoid.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 13, 2019
Whether you’re reeling from one personal tragedy or years of mistreatment, it can be hard to trust your judgment when you’re feeling wounded and vulnerable. But if you let those emotions cloud your ability to move forward and make decisions then you’ll just prolong your pain and make your vulnerability worse. So here are five ways to make your decision making less emotional, no matter how emotional you’re feeling at the time.
1) Don’t Fixate on Fears
Focusing too much on your wishes and anxieties will make them seem more real and important. Then you’ll start to believe that you can’t go forward until you feel better, or worse, that you can’t go forward, period. While you can’t expect yourself to be able to stop those feelings entirely, you can force yourself to investigate the choices and resources that are actually available to you, no matter how negatively you feel, and determine whether you genuinely do or don’t have the skills and opportunities to do what needs to be done.
2) Determine the Data
The best way to counter irrational fear and negativity is with a good hard look at reality. As such, you probably need objective information that you don’t have, so be prepared to seek advice, not just from friends, but also experts, particularly lawyers and therapists. Your trauma and self-doubt may intimidate you into thinking you’re really helpless, but make no assumptions until you know the facts and have considered what you can do with them.
3) Determine How to Do Good, Not Just Feel Good
Ask yourself what you value most in life, not what you feel most happy or optimistic about, by making a sort of bucket list of basics. In other words, imagine yourself facing death and ask yourself what would you would most want to have accomplished, regardless of whether it made you happy or forced you to endure hard times along the way. Achieving financial independence, being a good friend, and doing useful work may not be as exciting as running with the bulls or getting a tattoo, but they’re what truly makes a life complete.
4) Remember Possible Risks
The best way to avoid choices that may be too emotional—i.e., those that would immediately make you happy or ease your fears—is to force yourself to give thought to possible risks. Don’t let yourself ignore risks simply because you’re feeling confident or be paralyzed by them because you’re feeling anxious. Once you have the facts you can make a better assessment as to the safest, smartest way to proceed, regardless of how exciting or intimidating an option may appear.
5) Seek Out Moral Support
Experts may help you make decisions based on real information, but without friends, family, and even a therapist to have your back, it’ll be hard to follow through. Make sure your support team is there to give you backing and perspective, not just sympathy. When you’re recovering from trauma or facing a scary transition, it’s normal to have feelings that stir up self-doubt and pessimism that make it hard to keep going. If you can find people who will remind you of the strengths and other resources you had before things went wrong, you’ll be able to find the clarity and courage to make the right choices going forward.
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2019
When you’re frightened, dealing with trauma, or just generally vulnerable, you’re often forced to make big choices despite being in the worst possible state to do so. Feelings take over, so you may choose to do whatever feels good or just makes the fear or pain go away. Then you’re more vulnerable to being seduced into another abusive or traumatic situation, and that situation will create more strong feelings that make you doubt yourself, and on and on it goes. To avoid becoming a prisoner of self-doubt and helplessness, learn to see your real abilities and opportunities for what they are, regardless of what your feelings are telling you. If you can see beyond your feelings, strong as they may be, you’ll find your way to a safer, saner future.
-Dr. Lastname
I left my narcissistic, emotionally abusive ex-husband a year or so ago after almost 20 years together. We have two young kids, and he was so emotionally abusive that I left believing that he was the better parent, so I chose to have the girls live with him primarily and have joint custody. Since then, he has alienated me and my parents from my children. He is hurtful and mean during every interaction we have, but never in front of anyone or the girls. My girls do not want to come see me when it is my turn. I have no proof but I believe he is making the girls feel guilty about being around me. When I told the asshole he was damaging the girls for the rest of their lives with his behavior and feelings toward me, he said “I don’t care,” and has said multiple times that wants me out of my girls lives. I am tired of trying to see my girls and them crying because they don’t want to see me. I’m also tired of dealing with the asshole. On top of that, I have a wonderful new boyfriend who wants me to move across the country with him when he starts his new job, but I know that if I do that I probably won’t see my girls again. My goal is to decide if letting the ex have his way and staying away from my girls won’t only help them (by saving them from feeling so torn and guilty), but help me by allowing me to take back my life.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 16, 2019
When your life is particularly unstructured and chaotic, it can be hard to restore order, especially if you’ve usually relied on outside sources—like your family, school or job—to provide structure and discipline for you in the past. So when you can’t find a tiger mom or drill sergeant to whip you into shape, here are five ways to be your own disciplinarian.
1) Prepare a List of Your Priorities
Even if your whole life is up in the air, there are certain fundamental needs that keep us all grounded, like money, food, shelter, and health care. There are probably things in life you think you need, from a romantic relationship to a drink, but it’s worth sitting down and differentiating between your needs and wants, then making a plan to fulfill those needs in a way that doesn’t violate one of your other major priorities; being a decent person, despite the shitshow that you’re currently living through.
2) Don’t Give in to Distraction
If you’re someone who tends to put the needs of others first—either because you’re just programmed that way, or because experience, like military training, has done the programming for you—then you have to learn to supress that instinct. The common analogy in times of personal crisis is to think of airline safety instructions; you need to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help anybody else. For veterans in particular, the instinct to find good people to protect and bad people to attack will be strong, but your job right now is to protect yourself. Otherwise, you’re useless to help the people you care about.
3) Reflect on Your Resources
No matter how resourceless you may feel, and no matter how many obstacles may be in your way, from health to legal issues, you always have time and abilities you’ve accrued over the course of your life. If you’ve had military training or just waited tables, or have a rich uncle or just know someone who knows someone who’s hiring, you have abilities or connections that can help you get through.
4) Set up a Schedule
After you settle on a list of priorities, make a daily schedule with blocks of time dedicated to each item on your list. If can get some idea of how much time you’ll need to accomplish each goal, that will make you schedule even more useful in terms of dividing your time more wisely and prioritizing tasks even further. Then set alerts on your phone, set up a rewards system for yourself, whatever it takes to keep your new structure intact.
5) Build a Team
Since phone alerts are rarely enough support, don’t be too proud or shy to get your friends and family, or even a professional, like a therapist, to help you stay focused. Assemble a team that’s willing to help you monitor your progress by discussing your planning, reviewing your schedule and priorities, and talking with you regularly about your execution of your plan. Remember, you’re supposed to lean on their shoulders, not cry on them; if you unload on them with your feelings of helplessness or disappointment, it will make them feel helpless and likely to abandon the mission. Keep focused on what you’re trying to do, and they’ll help keep you focused on your goals in return. Then they’ll be more motivated to give you what you need, you’ll be more motivated to do what you need, and you’ll have a structure that will support you and your plans going forward.
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 2, 2019
People often complain about having to deal with an overbearing boss or teacher, but they usually don’t complain when they see the results; tough-but-fair authority figures also give people well-defined goals, keep them busy and organized, and push them to maintain good habits. They’re demanding, but they’re also in demand, which is why we pay high tuitions for good schools, commute long distances to work for well-run companies, and, occasionally, flounder when a tough boss or strong structure is no longer in our lives. Living in chaos can make it easy to lose energy, confidence, and momentum, but you can implement your own sense of order by accessing the values that you care about most, limiting bad habits and developing the behaviors and plans that will make you not just your own boss, but a boss, period.
-Dr. Lastname
I’m a combat veteran who served in the middle east. I got out a few years ago, but after coming home, getting a job, going to school, and generally doing well, I’ve hit sort of a rough patch. I broke up with this girl that I was dating and I legit broke the fuck down (probably because it was my first serious relationship). I was then able to hold everything together for a bit, but over the last year I’ve lost my job, failed out of school, and have no idea what the fuck is going on. I feel as though I have lost the discipline I gained while in the military. I went to see a therapist but he was more interested in learning how to treat veterans then actually helping me figure out my specific problems. Oh, and my parents are going through a divorce right now, but that does not bother me that much as neither of them is dying or anything (but if figured this is pertinent as every head headshrinker I have ever seen in the movies always tries to blame it on your parents). Plus I was coping for a while by drinking way too much and have been smoking weed way too much, although I’ve been sober for a month or so now. My goal is to get over this hump and force myself to do the things that I know I need to do to achieve the goals that I am certain I am capable of.
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