Posted by fxckfeelings on June 19, 2014
We all wish we could leave our kids lots of wealth, property, and maybe a senate seat, but instead they just end up with our receding hairlines and bad metabolisms. For those of us with especially poisonous genes, it’s hard to know how much or little to warn your kids about what they might be in for. On the one hand, you don’t want to make them feel different or doomed, but on the other hand, you don’t want to nag them so much that they rebel and tempt their genetic fate. In either case, you can help kids understand and manage their genetic risks if you can stay calm and stick with the facts. You can’t get kids to do what you want, no matter what their genes, but you can help them think rationally about scary problems and teach them your methods for living with risks and leading a meaningful life, no matter what kind of gut or estate they end up with.
–Dr. Lastname
Mental illness runs in my family—I take antidepressants and my mother is on lithium—and now I’m really afraid that my fifteen-year-old son is showing signs of having the family disease. We’re a really close family, including my mother, but this is just not a subject we talk about. I want to get help for my son, but I don’t want him to feel like I’m trying to control him, nor do I want to spook him about how he’s going to be a psycho all his life. My goal is to tell him something that gets him to accept help.
Lots of disorders are hereditary—near-sightedness, sickle cell, that thing where you think cilantro tastes like soap—but few are quite as stigmatized as mental illness. After all, nobody is ashamed for having or passing on genes that make you dislike most gazpacho.
Then again, if you’ve managed to keep the stigma of mental illness from keeping you from seeking treatment for yourself, you shouldn’t let fear or shame keep you from reaching out to your son. You’ve managed depression for many years, and even though you didn’t intend to pass this on to your son, you can at least give him the benefit of your experience.
The fact that you’re his father need not interfere with your ability to help, as long as you don’t allow worries to cause you to pressure him. Instead, give him information and tell him how to think about mental illness, but don’t tell him what to do. That’s because telling him what to do is the best way to get him to do exactly the opposite; every directive has an equal and opposite reaction is basically Newteen’s Third Law. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 12, 2014
There are many moments in life when we wish we had telepathic powers, and while some occur during Presidential debates or doctor visits when you’re getting test results, most are inspired by the challenges of relationships. Mind-reading feels most useful when you either can’t do anything to make your spouse happy or can’t blink without setting them off, but if your first concern is just to repair your relationship, you will wind up taking too little or too much responsibility for whatever they’re mad about. Before trying to make up, measure your responsibility for their grievance by your own values. If you can read your own mind, then you’ll know whether it’s you who needs to improve, or your partner’s temper, with no special powers necessary.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know why my partner won’t let me make amends. I’m crazy about him, and I really didn’t mean to start drinking again, but I got very depressed because I have depressive episodes from time to time, and drank to relax. Now I’m dried out, back to normal, and I’m trying to do everything I can to make it up to him, but the nicer I am, the madder he gets. He says I should go to AA meetings and get a plan for my life that includes what I’m going to do the next time I get depressed and/or drunk. I just want to get back to living life, finding a job, and being close the way we used to be. If he keeps on hammering me for being loving and attentive, though, I don’t see how I can keep from getting depressed and drunk again. My goal is to get our relationship back.
The reason your partner isn’t reacting well is because trying to assuage his particular issues with affection and remorse is like trying to help a hungry person by giving him a blanket. Your partner will feel better if he knows that you’re serious about staying sober, and just like you can’t eat an afghan, you can’t say you’re focusing on sobriety with flowers.
He knows you love him, but that didn’t stop you from drinking and it won’t stop you, in the future, from getting stressed and drinking again. You write as if it’s all behind you, but since he believes, with good reason, that it’s never behind you, he worries more when you appear to worry less. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 9, 2014
Whether you’re humiliated by excess praise or criticism, too much attention for one’s deeds, be it positive or negative, can make you feel fake and, worst of all, stuck in a world where good deeds get punished. Instead of trying to make sense of this classic disconnect, accept the stupid way life has of making innocent, hardworking people miserable. Then continue, as before, to work hard for what you believe in while ignoring pain that often comes to those whose achievements are special and need for recognition isn’t.
–Dr. Lastname
A year ago, I was named by a hospital journal as an outstanding up-and-coming oncologist, and now my name is synonymous with accusations of malpractice. I didn’t do anything wrong, but I made the mistake of pissing off a couple crazy nurses, having bad luck in the operating room, and being unfriendly with reporters. I won’t get convicted, but my reputation is shot, I’ve got no patients and huge legal bills, and most of my so-called friends don’t answer my calls. I can’t get out of bed and, when I’m up, I can’t focus on getting anything done. My goal is to figure out how to get my life back.
Being a star physician isn’t much different from being a celebrity; praise and attention make you feel like you’ve made the right career choices and are good at what you do. Unfortunately, power attracts its own special kind of bad luck, and now you’re the medical world’s Justin Bieber.
When you’re up and coming, people seem ready to ignore your faults and exaggerate your virtues. After a while, however, you become one of the powers that be, which people like to tear down. You might be more talented and less racist than Le Biebs, but your trajectory is identical. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 5, 2014
The need to talk out a problem is one of those unfortunate instincts, like walking off an ache or steering out of the skid, that’s intended for survival but is more frequently sabotage. If somebody doesn’t want to talk out a conflict, either because they can’t own up to it or just don’t want to, you should resist the urge to press for negotiations and take a moment to ask yourself whether talking would actually help, or just stir up trouble. Most of the time, it’s better to shut up and make the best of flawed relationships, because usually, if somebody refuses to talk it out, they’re not being difficult, they’re doing you a favor.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been very supportive with my brother when he was first getting sober, which is why I was so surprised and hurt when he recently attacked the way I manage the family business, which he usually has very little to do with. He implied I’d been keeping him in the dark and cheating him out of his share. I kept my cool and decided to just let it lie and wait for him to come to me calmly, and now it’s a month later and he’s acting like nothing happened. Looking back, I know he’s done this before–attacked me verbally, then forgot about it entirely, including apologizing—but I don’t see how we can be friends if we don’t have a talk about this and try to clear the air. My goal is to try to get through to him this time, because I can’t tolerate this level of nastiness.
Since you know your brother’s habit of venting and vanishing all too well, perhaps it’s time to see your brother’s behavior as less temperamental, and more like a version of Tourette’s Syndrome. It’s not a nice habit, but it certainly isn’t personal.
After all, you and others have tried and failed to get him to see that he has nasty spells hurt people and drive them away. For you, it means you can never fully trust him or let down your guard. For him, it means he’s always going to be damaging relationships and there’s nothing that friends or shrinks can do about it. If he could keep his venom to himself, he would, but the venting is beyond his control. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 2, 2014
For people with mood disorders, one of the most dangerous moods is the one for love, because a steady relationship often seems like the reward for getting rid of mood swings or the free pass to feeling better about yourself. The problem, of course, is that it’s much easier to find the kind of love that will make your disorder worse than it is to find something that will last and survive real life problems, including your moods. So don’t hunt for love as a feel-good prize or cure. Instead, accept the fact that it’s a job that takes patience and discipline and, fortunately, can be done even when your mood sucks.
–Dr. Lastname
I used to enjoy being a party girl and having random hook-ups, but since I got sober a year ago, I gave all that up and my life is a lot better. I’m not having big mood swings, I’m working steadily, and I finally feel ready for a serious relationship with someone I really like and respect. Even though I’m sure I’m ready now and excited to find Mr. Right, I get really nervous around guys and never find ones that seem like good choices. My goal is to find a real relationship, because I’m great at meeting people and my mood is a lot steadier, and so I don’t understand why it’s not easier.
Doing a series of shorter road races might be the right way to train for a marathon, but having a series of brief, anonymous sexual encounters is not the best way to prepare for monogamy.
Even a runner knows that you don’t get the same kind of excitement from meters as you do from miles; a sprint is a quick thrill, a marathon can be a painful mess. That’s why, if you’re approaching the search for a longer-term romance with excitement in mind, you’re heading down the wrong path. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 29, 2014
Much is made of the Mama/Papa-bear protective instincts that so many humans purportedly have—that blind drive that kicks in for parents when their kids are in danger—but even if said bear instinct is real, it has a “Three Bears” quality. Some parents protect too much, others protect too little, and only a fraction provide a protection level that’s “just right.” In any case, before helping or not helping your kids, ask yourself whether it’s going to make them stronger or just stir the pot (of porridge) further, because frequently, the only person you can protect is yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always encouraged my kids to deal with their own problems when they felt someone treated them unfairly, but I was really upset, recently, when the young daughter of old family friends, who was rooming with my daughter (they were acquaintances, not friends), refused to pay for the parking tickets she got when she borrowed her car. She said she didn’t notice any tickets, and maybe somebody removed them, but they clearly happened at the time she had the car and the places she took it. After my daughter got nowhere, she wrote the girl’s parents, feeling that they would not want to leave a debt like this unpaid, but they took their daughter’s side. Now I want to write my old friends to let them know I think this is unfair and a poor lesson for their daughter, but everyone else (my husband, even my daughter) says I should just leave it alone. My goal is to show my daughter that it’s important to stand up to injustice and let people know that they can’t get away with shit like this.
Most people assume that close family friends share their values, but in this case, your friends’ values appear to stay within the family—they agree with their daughter, not you—and this is a family that might as well share values with the Sopranos.
Your daughter was able to assert herself and make it clear to both her former roommate and her parents why she thought she should pay for the parking tickets. Given their reaction so far, adding your voice to hers is unlikely to get the fines paid or change how this family tends to see themselves, just annoy them into retaliation, which could take you to court/the mattresses. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 22, 2014
When we say, as we often do, that communication is overrated, we’re referring to touchy-feely emotional purges, not basic verbal interaction. Being able to get a reliable, understandable answer to your questions and ideas is essential in life, which is why it’s so infuriating when you either can’t get through to someone who can’t hear what you’re trying to tell them or get an honest response from someone who just says what you want to hear. In either case, trying harder to get through by expressing that frustration will probably do you no good. Instead, watch carefully to see where the message gets lost and then decide whether what you need is to alter your language or give up on words. In either case, you’ll be more effective at getting your message across while keeping emotions at bay.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: We’re taking Monday off for Memorial Day here in the US, so keep serving us up your problems while we remember those who have served our country.
My son is serious about being a massage therapist and he’s starting to get paying referrals, but I can’t get a straight story out of him when I ask him how much he needs to live on and when he thinks he’ll have enough to move into his own place. I know he’s always had trouble giving people a straight answer—he struggled with word problems in Math, and his English papers often failed to answer whatever question the teacher had in mind—but it gets me pissed off when all I want is a simple business plan, including how much he needs to make, how much he expects to earn per hour, and how many billable hours he thinks he can get. Instead of giving me facts, he tells me he’s pleased and optimistic and happy with the way things are turning out. My goal is to get the facts out of him without screaming at him.
Despite all the strict rules of grammar and structure, everyone knows there’s no one way to speak any one language; regional dialects and accents create thousands of variations (in New England alone, there are at least five different ways to say “garage”).
What few people realize is that, even when speaking to someone in a language/dialect they understand in the plainest way possible, there’s more than one way to hear and interpret what’s being said. Especially if you’re speaking to someone whose brain, as in this case, has a bad track record of interpreting words in general. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 19, 2014
A job well done is like a tree in the forest; is a good performance really gratifying if nobody else makes a sound about it, specifically genuinely approving sounds like the words, “hey, well done!” Whether you don’t get recognition that you deserve, or get recognition you don’t deserve, the disconnect between effort and reward can undermine your belief in the value of hard work and excellence. So, instead of valuing hard work and excellence for expected success, accept the fact that recognition is often beyond your control, and that hard work and excellence do nothing more than allow you to know you’ve done your best. Then, regardless of recognition, your self-respect is your own, and you won’t be falling over yourself, in the woods or the office, for recognition from anyone else.
–Dr. Lastname
I know I’m a good painter, but I really haven’t managed to accomplish much over the last few years. I love painting, but I can’t stand the fact that I’ve never received much recognition and much of what I like about my work isn’t popular right now or likely to sell. So, between having limited free time to paint (after doing my day-job and time with family), being poorly organized (I’ve always had trouble keeping track of appointments, taxes, etc.), and not knowing how to paint something that people will respond to, I’ve gotten very little done. My goal is to figure out how to paint something that people will admire and want to buy.
While teen behavior mostly gives lessons in what not to do—take naked selfies, get YOLO tattoos, etc.—there is one thing teens understand that creative adults seem to forget, and that’s to never, ever to make it obvious that you’re trying too hard.
If you force your art to be something it’s not, it’s not going to connect with anyone. You won’t get mocked in homeroom, but you won’t get rich, either. In your case, it’s because your need for approval isn’t strong enough to force you to fake it, so you just can’t get anything done. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 15, 2014
Whether it’s wealth, wine, or just white meat chicken, life’s perks are harder to enjoy when they have a dubious source. This is especially true with money that comes from someone else’s generosity, so it’s natural to promote financial independence, either by giving criticism or praise, especially if that generous someone is you. Unfortunately, being financially dependent is a lot like being a caged hen—it’s often beyond your control—so your attempts to promote it may cause or worsen feelings of failure. Instead of trying to change financial dependence when you can’t, ask yourself what people can do to manage it most effectively. Then you’ll be ready to respect what people do with financial dependence, even if it takes a long time for the dependent party to ripen/become free-range.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stand the sad way things have turned out for my daughter, and my life is no better. She had kids, got depressed, lost her marriage and most custody, and lives a marginal life because she can’t get it together to find work. I help her out as much as I can, but I’m not as good with kids as my late wife was, plus the grandkids have special needs. The result is that my daughter doesn’t have a decent place of her own, the grandkids have all kinds of unsolved problems, and I’m going broke. I feel we’ve all failed to do the only thing that matters, which is to help our kids, and I remind my daughter how badly I think things have turned out, and how much she needs to change if things are ever going to get any better, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. My goal is to find a way to turn this disaster around.
Depression is a terrible disease that can sap your energy and scramble your brain’s ability to get organized, so it can have a devastating effect on a person’s ability to be a parent or hold a job. While medications, talk therapy, and other treatments don’t necessarily help, too-tough love can actually make things worse.
Through the filter of a depressive mind, your “come to Jesus” talks may be interpreted as “go make a living, loser” lectures.
If she is making an effort—and, since you’ve been trying to help and push her for many years, it’s a safe assumption that she is—focusing on failure isn’t fair, disrespects your contributions, and may interfere with good planning. Nobody wants her to pull herself up by her bootstraps more than she does, but her depression’s opposing pull seems to be stronger. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 12, 2014
Everybody knows that trust is a big part of marriage, but that doesn’t just mean trusting your spouse, but trusting yourself to keep both your junk and your doubt in your pants. If you find yourself with major problems in either of these areas, trying to be normal and ignore your misgivings or mistakes will probably make things worse. Instead, accept that you’ve got a screw loose, and then you’ll have a much better chance of gaining the strength you need to manage out-of-control thoughts and/or actions and learn to trust yourself, or at least your limits vis-a-vis the contents of your slacks.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t understand why I cheated on my wife again, not just because it was so painful the first time around, but because I know, for a certainty, that I love her and don’t want to break up my marriage. I never intended cheating, but I fell into a great conversation with an attractive colleague at work, and, before I knew it, we were exchanging messages about how wonderful it was to see one another and when we would meet again. When my wife found out, it was agony for both her and me, as I felt terribly guilty and I didn’t want to lose my marriage. After months and months of couples’ therapy we patched things back together, re-established trust, and I felt happy with her. Then, without warning, it happened again at an out-of-town sales conference, almost exactly the same thing with a different woman, and now my wife wants a divorce. My goal is to know why I do this thing and whether it means I really don’t love my wife and would be happy with someone else or whether I just can’t be monogamous.
Guys who can’t understand why they cheat when they don’t really feel like it are like alcoholics who can’t understand why they got drunk when they weren’t even in the mood to drink. Emotions are the main motivation for infidelity as often as alcoholism is motivated by thirst.
More often, infidelity is, for lack of better words, a character weakness, a deeply ingrained need that you’re neither going to figure out nor get out of your system. That’s why the First Step in both AA (and CA, Cheaters Anonymous) is accepting your helplessness to control yourself. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
