Posted by fxckfeelings on November 7, 2013
War can teach us many lessons, and if we’ve learned anything from the major wars of our day—namely, the “Storage Wars”—it’s that there’s a time to be pushy and a time to hold back. That’s why, when you feel a strong need to influence others, be it to get them off your back or improve their own behavior, being overly aggressive is just as bad as pussyfooting around. Before you bid or bite your tongue, size up the consequences before you open your mouth, and then go forward only after you’ve done your homework and have good reason—not wishful thinking, a hunch, or a grudge—for believing that doing something pushy will do some good/lead to treasure.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish my husband didn’t try to make everyone in my family get along. My parents are divorced, and neither one of them is a terrific grandparent with our kids—they weren’t terrific parents with me and my sister, so I’m not surprised—and my husband makes a big Problem out of it, which we’re supposed to correct. He drops hints to my parents about how, when they come over, they should play with the kids more, stay longer, and pay more attention to what they say. The result is that my parents drop by less often and get even less connected to our kids, and I get an earful from my husband about what’s wrong with my parents and what can we (he means I) say to them that will make them behave better. My question is, what can I say to my husband to get him to stop.
Sadly, the Miss Piggy approach to relationships—trying to bully someone into the kind of respect and affection you think “moi” deserves—is rarely successful, even for mademoiselle Pig herself.
If your husband were more realistic about the kind of grand-parenting he can expect from his parents, he would, as you suggest, probably leave them alone. Instead, he’s letting his efforts and expectations run hog-wild. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 21, 2013
It’s easy for your individual sense of right and wrong to be at odds with the customs and attitudes of your community, workplace, and/or message board chums, and you may well experience guilt when there’s a difference between the two, regardless of whether you did anything wrong. As a result, it may be hard to find your own way when you first go solo, or to re-discover your own way when pressured by an absorbing new community. In any case, ignore guilty feelings and get back to basics. Judge your actions in the light of your own experience and values and stand by them, regardless of what others think, say, and put into FAIL-related .gif form.
–Dr. Lastname
I grew up in a very Christian family where we all went to religious school and attended church several times a week, and kids weren’t allowed to date or talk to members of the opposite sex on the phone (or even consider sex before marriage). Now that I’m in my second year of college and away from home, however, I’m not sure I want to live my life this way. The school is Christian, but there are other, secular universities nearby, and I like hanging out in the college bars in town and dating. Of course, doing so makes me feel like I’m sliding into sin and would catch all kinds of criticism if my parents and home community knew what I was doing. I feel like I can’t feel like a good person in either world; I haven’t really been a bad person, but my faith in my parents’ rules has lessened. My goal is to stop swinging up and down like a yo-yo.
When you’re young, your main way of knowing whether you’re doing right or wrong is by perceiving whether others, particularly grown-ups, are angry at you; sometimes it’s through a subtle reward, and other times it’s via a very blunt spanking.
This sensation usually persists, even when you know, as an adult, that you’ve done nothing wrong or everything right. If you belong to a religious community with many conventions and rules, those feelings are also tied to doing what everyone else defines as good behavior, like going to church, praying, and not dating, all of which are tied to what they believe God wants. And God hasn’t handed out personal wrath in at least a millennium or so. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 17, 2013
Life is always unfair—kids get sick, dogs don’t live forever, the Real Housewives supply is infinite—but how you react to unfairness is what matters. Some people who are undeniable victims of hard luck never see themselves as helpless, whereas other people feel like victims because life does not always reward good moral choices with good luck. If your luck turns bad, you have a right to hurt, but never expect good luck to reward you for being a good guy. You’ll never feel like a victim if you accept bad luck as part of a shitty, unfair world, and take pride in doing what you think is right, regardless of all the illness, injustice, and Bravo starlets who are out there.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been derailed for the last three years after thinking my life was moving along perfectly well. I’d worked for 15 years at a large company, starting out as a clerk, and somehow my warm personal style and hard work—it sure wasn’t my education, because I never did well in school and did just two years of college—kept getting me promoted until I was about to be regional director. I had three sons and a husband I thought I could count on. Then, suddenly, due to what almost everyone agreed was a minor, unintentional accounting error, I was fired because I technically broke company policy and a higher-up had decided to be a hard-ass. And my husband decided, just about the same time, that I was boring and he moved out. The kids are still great, but I feel stopped in my tracks and turned upside down, not just as if I’ve lost everything, but as if life has stopped playing by the rules. I’m doing a job search, but it’s hard to get into it or really take anything that seriously, other than the kids. My goal is to get back my faith in life, because I thought I was doing everything right, but then everything went totally wrong.
If Job, the guy in the Bible story who God screwed royally, basically to make the devil look stupid, was actually a bad guy, he might have had the satisfaction of knowing that his bad luck was for a good reason (besides winning a bet with Satan).
Unfortunately for everyone, he was a good person, just as I assume you are, so all the bad things that happened to him were for no reason and left him feeling he was living in a world where rules don’t count. That’s why his decision to keep on being a good guy was so remarkable and Bible-worthy.
Until several years ago, your life worked by the rules and reaped justifiable rewards, but then life did one of its horrible little twists and you were fucked for absolutely no reason, and from several directions at once. We want a world where the bad guy always gets what he deserves in the end, which reassures us that we’ll get good results if we work hard, act nice, and play by the rules. You’re living proof that life is unfair, which is a hard burden to shoulder. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 10, 2013
There’s no perfect way to deal with someone close to you when, due to depression, discouragement, and/or plain laziness, they become too dependent on you for support; whether your strategy is to give loving comfort or a tough kick in the pants, their attitude tends to defeat them and their would-be helpers. If you wish to help someone who is under-engaged in life, whether your motivation is love or self-survival, don’t wait for the underactive to feel rejuvenated. Instead, create a regimen and reward progress with gifts, food, and/or good ol’ verbal encouragement. Then, if they still don’t do their share, decide on the support you think is right to provide, knowing that change is not an option, but cutting them off is.
–Dr. Lastname
My younger son is 23 and living at home. He dropped out of university and has drifted since, working abroad for a while, now doing an office job on a temp contract for the past year. When not at work he sleeps in and is lackadaisical in direction. I am going through a divorce from his father and working very hard in a low-paying job. I am also having to support my daughter through the collapse of her marriage. My son wants to quit his job which he dislikes and sees as a dead end and use the time to pursue a career. His earnings are paying for some of his bills and he hasn’t saved much although I charge very little rent. I fear his half-hearted approach will soon return and resent coming home from a tough shift at work to find him still in bed. My goal is to be supportive without feeling used and resentful. I am worried about him but nagging wears me out and I have problems of my own.
Whatever career your son hopes to pursue, let’s hope it’s not one that requires basic skills of observation; you’re obviously stretched out, so if he thinks he can rely on you when he doesn’t have income, he’s not just oblivious to your situation, but his own.
Even if he doesn’t realize it, you know that his business plan is heavy on dreams and light on discipline. Instead of expressing anger, skepticism, or disappointment, however, ask him whether he sees himself as having a problem with avoidance. Shame may have made him lie about his difficulties and pretend that he’s done more than he has. If he can acknowledge the problem, you can offer him coaching, advice, and incentives for building good habits. You may not be able to help support him financially, but you’ve got emotional support in spades. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 7, 2013
There’s a certain art to negotiation, especially when the discussion involves money; go too hardline, with a patronizing tone or, say, a shutdown government, or too soft, hesitating to stand up for your own financial needs, and you’re not going to make any headway. Worse, you could get incredibly angry, and money rage can be just as dangerous and useless as road rage, except with road rage, you still usually get somewhere. Better to avoid arguments about non-payments, regardless of how unfair or harmful they are, and if good advice and sweet reason don’t work, do what’s necessary to protect yourself while bringing conversation to a firm stop. If you can’t stop yourself from losing it over money, the only thing to shutdown is the conversation, then learn and move forward.
–Dr. Lastname
My daughter is supposed to be a grown-up—she graduated from college but now she’s living back home—and the other day I realized she hasn’t opened a credit card bill in three months. I said something to her, and she still did nothing, and then I was really worried about the mounting interest payments and her credit rating, so I told her I didn’t understand what she was doing and why she was being so irresponsible. She started crying and accused me of being mean and picking a fight, and then my husband asked me why I was attacking her. My goal is to stop this fighting and get my daughter to live up to her responsibilities.
You can’t help being worried, as a parent, when your daughter’s avoidant behaviors no longer just possibly result in suspensions or a visit from the principal, but in fines, a ruined credit rating, and worst of all, frequent collection agency calls. Adult problems, however, deserve adult talks, and a verbal spanking does not qualify; berating her for failed responsibilities usually doesn’t work.
The reason why is that, while she knows you’re right, she doesn’t know why she did it, and her helplessness will make her even more avoidant—of you, your advice, and the next batch of credit statements. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 19, 2013
In the self-help-iverse, “limits” is often a dirty word, because we should all aspire to reach the loftiest heights or depths of intimacy. In reality, limits are crucial when setting both personal and interpersonal goals, but they’re especially vital when you’ve got a partly functional, mentally ill family member to take care of. In that situation, you will probably feel like doing anything to get him/her into treatment, including persuasion, confrontation, and threats of expulsion. In reality, your influence over the course of a mental illness is often, well, limited, treatment or no, and trying too hard to make it better can make it worse and drive you crazy. Instead of getting over-absorbed in efforts to help, get help yourself in figuring out the limits of what’s possible and respecting your other priorities, including safety, security, and the nurturing of others. Refusing to acknowledge limits is a lot easier/more damaging that learning to respect and use them to your advantage.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m married to a wonderful, unique individual, a free spirit who lived in a van for several years avoiding the world. After we married, we had a difficult couple of years, but then my work took off, and I got pregnant. My husband, already a night owl, turned into an irritable, stressed out insomniac who oscillates between manic episodes of ultra productivity, to sleeping for marathon amounts of time, missing appointments, being late for work, generally letting everyone down. He seems so resentful of me—everything I say he takes to the utmost extreme. We have been in talk therapy for three months, which has been pretty useless. The therapist has recommended my husband see a general doctor and a shrink about the insomnia. On a long road trip he started hallucinating and driving off the road. Sometimes he admits there’s a problem, other times he doesn’t. This morning, after another night of no sleeping, he screamed at me, collapsed on the floor and then crawled into the closet and passed out. I have asked him to leave our house until he seeks help, but he also refuses to leave. If I don’t pay the bills, he will be unable to. I reached out to his family and they keep saying it’s a marital tiff. He’s a wonderful man who is deeply troubled right now and in huge denial. I think he has some serious mental health issues which have been brought up by the huge responsibility of being a father which need addressing. How can I best help him?
You know that your husband’s dangerous behavior is out of his hands and in his mind. Unfortunately, there are lots of medical and mental health problems for which no one, including this mental health professional, has the answers, and this may be one of them.
The danger of trying to help him if it’s just not possible is that you’ll exhaust yourself and, worse yet, put yourself and your baby at risk from his symptoms. His illness may not be his fault, but that doesn’t make it your only responsibility, either. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 9, 2013
As any parent or even casual viewer of Teen Mom can tell you, babies are very demanding creatures, and with everything they need from parents, it’s sometimes hard for parents to figure out what they need—and deserve—from each other in order to work together. Whether a co-parent’s actions leave you feeling neglected or his words make you feel you’re to blame, it’s time to take a deep breath, put the baby in something bouncy, and use your own standards of partnership to judge whether your performance is good enough for you to be proud of, and whether his or hers is worth living with. Then, keeping negative feelings off the table, discuss the changes that you think would be better for everyone, assuming they involve behavior and not personality. Leave the raw emotion to the baby, because it’s not about your needs, but your family’s.
–Dr. Lastname
I am the stay-at-home-mom of a toddler. I live with my husband and our child in a highly competitive urban area. My husband has been the breadwinner by far since we moved to this city; I am staying at home with our baby rather than working to pay for childcare. To earn his paycheck, my husband works from early in the morning to late at night every weekday. If I am lucky, I see him for a half-hour each night; if our child is lucky, he sees dad for 10 minutes each morning. I am frankly amazed that this limited time with his family doesn’t bother my husband, but I have asked him many times, and he is fine with his schedule. We do not need him to earn as much as he does in order to get by, but he has set a goal for himself to work hard and retire young. As a result, that is the pace he has set for the rest of us. I am beyond fed up with the selfishness of that decision. I am worn out, lonely, and concerned that our child will not know his father. Furthermore, since we don’t talk, our marital relationship is starting to suffer. He doesn’t seem to notice. What can I do to get my husband to slow down and to see how his choices are impacting the rest of us?
Resentment, like revenge, self-pity, and labiaplasty, is one of those things that, no matter how entitled you feel to partake in it, is ultimately pointless and best avoided.
Even though you can’t help feeling worn out, lonely, and worried about your workaholic husband’s schedule, resentment is your worst enemy when it comes to developing and pushing constructive options. Now that you’ve let him know how you feel and he hasn’t responded, you’re doubly pissed, which makes it even more crucial that you stop that cycle now before it goes further. From this point on, the goal is to be constructive, not cathartic. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 15, 2013
As feelings go, envy is an amazing two-fer—by hating others for having what you want and yourself for wanting it, you accomplish twice the useless negativity in half the time. Luckily, we’re here to remind you that feeling envious and like a loser seldom has anything to do with being a loser, just that you’re down on yourself for failing to perform, or are flooded with memories of all the times you came up short. So don’t let envious loser feelings have very real, negative effect on relationships, beginning with the one you have with yourself. Until someone finds a cure for that evil/efficient feeling—and better performance isn’t usually the answer—you need to remember what you value, other than high performance, so that your feelings of being a loser can never persuade you that you are one.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m going through one of my regular bouts of deep unhappiness, and there is a common cause to each bout—I am useless at everything. The problem is made worse because I have a partner who is so talented and brilliant at everything that I want to be talented and brilliant at. We do the same work (same company) and his feedback from clients is fantastic. He has a huge and positive impact on people generally. He also likes to write and is better at that than me. So I feel rather pathetic and that I have no strengths or skills or talents. It’s always been this way (since my teens—I am now verging on middle age!) only now I have a mirror reflecting back all the things I want to be and yet lack. I’m not sure how to get beyond this enduring sense of being a rather worthless human being.
Envy is a tough feeling to live with, particularly for those who are both particularly envious and ambitions. For them envy is like carbs; if it isn’t turned into fuel, pushing them forward, it clings to them and weighs them down.
Given that few envious people actually get to surround themselves with people who have less than they do, those not propelled by envy feel as trapped as someone in skinny jeans at Thanksgiving dinner, seldom able to escape or satisfy their misery-making feelings. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 1, 2013
Self-confidence, like humility, is least often felt by those who deserve it most—call it the Trump theory of confidence conservation, with the baselessly-smug balancing out the needlessly self-doubting. Instead of paying attention to feelings of self-assurance, decide whether you or others have done their best, given what’s available. If so, try to act on that judgment, regardless of how you feel or how much confidence you encounter. Then you’ll do right by yourself and feel good about it, but not Donald-good, if you know what’s good for you.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know what to make of my wife’s efforts to find a job. When we married two years ago, she had a good job and enough money to take care of herself, but then she was put on probation—it didn’t bother her—and, since getting fired, she doesn’t seem to be trying hard to find new work. She knocks herself out to help me with errands, but then she always eats out for lunch and spends her time shopping with money she doesn’t really have. She doesn’t look worried, but I can’t get a straight story out of her about her budget or savings, and I’m beginning to worry what will happen when the money runs out. That includes my money, because I can’t afford to support the two of us indefinitely, particularly with her level of spending. I don’t want to undermine her confidence, which she obviously has lots of, or to mess up a loving relationship, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I say nothing. So what should I say?
Some people have an unshakeable confidence in themselves but shouldn’t, and for them, there is little solace. Everybody worries about people with low self-esteem, but for those with excessive self-esteem, the world is a cold place. On the other hand, they have so much faith in themselves, they don’t care.
Those with excessive self-esteem don’t necessarily suffer from too much pride or big egos, or deny some truth they don’t want to face. They just don’t see how fucked up they are because they believe they’re completely capable, and it prevents them from doing anything about their problems. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 25, 2013
The phrase, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going,” is a bit unclear; after all, in a tough situation, you can either buckle down and get more focused or just give up and get going outta there. Trying harder or just giving up both give us a sense of control, but no matter where the tough go, either choice can easily make things worse. So when life becomes difficult, first assess the odds that more work will yield more positive results. Then, if there’s no way out of a tough spot, respect yourself for what it takes to eat shit and stay put. And no matter what, always make careful use of your clichés.
–Dr. Lastname
I know my adult daughter is a terrible avoider and procrastinator—she struggled all throughout school, and only graduated from college with a lot of help—but she made great progress a year ago after we developed a schedule and daily to-do list, and she was very good about using me as her coach. After her last lay-off, however, she lost steam and started looking depressed—she stopped getting up on time, keeping up with her calls, getting exercise, going through her mail, etc. She’s not totally incapacitated and we still talk every day, but she’s vague about what she’s actually accomplished. I’m thinking we should start over and develop a new system for evaluating what she needs to do and tracking whether she’s done it. When I talk with her about starting a new system, however, she gives me more vague answers, which leaves me frustrated and very, very worried. I’ve got to find some way to push her or she’ll never get going and then it will become more and more difficult for her to resume her career. She’s almost 30, and I can’t push her forever.
Throughout time, humans have developed useless-yet-comforting rituals to ease us through hopeless situations; from ducking and covering through a nuclear blast to stocking up on duct tape during an orange alert, there’s nothing like an empty ritual to distract you from the fact that, ultimately, you’re totally fucked.
As such, the good news is, you’ve done everything right by your daughter to help her manage procrastination by drawing up a schedule and to-do list and offering to track them with her. The bad news is that all those positive steps sometimes lead nowhere, and trying to figure out a new system at such a time might be about a useful as hiding under a desk to avoid a mushroom cloud. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
