Posted by fxckfeelings on April 26, 2012
When your love life hasn’t gone according to plan, leaving you with disappointment instead of devotion, it’s hard not to feel like a failure. The fact is, however, that love is bad luck’s favorite target, even when you do everything right, and that you can have a successful life without a successful marriage. So don’t take it personally if the picture isn’t pretty, and don’t be surprised if your love life is more punishing than pleasant. If you can muster up enough courage and perspective, you can avoid pointless regret and rate yourself according to what you’ve done with love, not what love has done with you.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish I knew why I do so little with my social life. After working hard all day at my own business, having dinner, and then talking on the phone with my grown kids, I just go to bed. I work on Saturday, then do nothing on Sunday. I’ve got some good friends, but they’re married and I’m divorced, so it’s hard to hang out. I’m not lonely, exactly, but I wish I had a steady guy or at least was going out on dates, but I have no desire or energy to meet new people, so, aside from my work (which I do well) and immediate family, I’m not interested in leaving my home. I know I should be putting myself out there if I want a partner, but I can’t seem to care.
If you wonder why you’re not as energetic and active as you used to be, one reason is that you’re old, or at least not young, so you don’t have infinite energy or optimism. You know your time is limited—both day-to-day and on earth in general—so it’s harder to waste it on something you’re not enthusiastic about.
From what you’ve said, however, your schedule seems full by any age standard; you work all day and keep in good touch with your family, so you’ve got good reason to be tired. Your time is well spent, so you feel spent, as well.
I assume you’d say if you were depressed or too disorganized to do anything but work. The leading possibility for your solitude then is that you’re tired and haven’t given yourself a good reason to go dating, and one should only date if there’s a good reason. Otherwise, HBO would make for a better companion. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 2, 2012
When you’re overwhelmed with depressed or anxious feelings that don’t seem “justified” or connected to the usual events of your life, you first doubt whether you deserve to feel that bad, then doubt your sanity entirely. That’s because these intense, negative emotions tell you that you’re worthless and/or doomed when you’re not (at least, no more than anyone else), and most people assume their emotions must be at least a little right. In reality, symptoms pass and you’re never worthless or doomed as long as you can keep your perspective, so instead of jumping to dire conclusions when intensely negative feelings try to seize control of your brain, stand your ground.
–Dr. Lastname
I feel guilty for feeling like I might be depressed. I have no reason to feel sad (and that word makes me cringe because it doesn’t quite sum up the multitude of emotions that devastate me on a regular basis; desperate, useless, pathetic, oxygen thief, loser and plenty other perfectly good adjectives could cover it) and because I can’t justify it, I start to feel frustrated. I’m like an elastic band – one minute I’m the happiest person on earth and the next I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel, ready to drop where I stand and content to never get back up again. I’m twenty and so it might just be that I’m walking the boundary line between physical maturity and teenagerdom, where angst haunts us all. I’ve had difficulties with this kind of thing in the past—my dad died when I was nine and I developed anorexia shortly after and while I’ve since ‘recovered’ (I hate that word), I still have issues with the way my body looks. I tried to kill myself when I was thirteen for no other reason that I can remember other than I had a rope and a bunk bed and fuck it, why not? Obviously I failed and I’ve never tried it again, but now and then I’ll look up at my ceiling fan and think, “Why not?” And then I’ll feel silly and awkward. But then I’ll be driving down the freeway and think “one jerk of the wheel and I’m out”. Or I have a headache and I’m staring at a very large bottle of aspirin and it’ll be there, in the back of my head, whispering away. It’s not normal to feel like that, is it? Even if they are just passing thoughts, it shouldn’t be like this. Does everyone think like this?
When you find yourself with frequent feelings of self-loathing and an urge to end it all, the question isn’t whether other people think like this (not usually), or whether you should have to feel like this (should or not, you do, and that’s the way it is), or why you feel like this (life is indisputably unfair and some people carry inexplicable pain).
The question you should instead be asking yourself is whether you can find a reason to live, knowing that you often don’t really want to. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 26, 2012
Cancer that doesn’t kill you can nevertheless leave you with permanent damage and fears, but if you feel it’s necessary to reverse that damage or stop the fear before life re-starts, you’re taking on a fight with cancer you can’t win. Instead, try to remember the values you care about that apply to anyone and don’t depend on mental state or performance—being kind, doing your work, balancing your commitments—and take pride in pursuing them regardless. Now that you’re lucky enough to have a life after cancer, don’t allow cancer to run it or ruin it.
–Dr. Lastname
I am a 55-year-old mother, grandmother and graphic designer who was so, so, so lucky to have survived lung cancer seven years ago! But somehow in the process it has frozen me and I seem to have forgotten how to live. I mean there are dim memories and quiet, inside voices that keep pointing out my life is passing me by but I am frozen from action and I don’t know why or how. A small voice keeps looping, “Let your light shine” but again, I don’t know how. I also have fairly active rheumatoid arthritis but it’s not a big deal in comparison to lung cancer. What it mostly has meant is that I haven’t worked full-time for a few years so money is extremely tight and I want many things; mostly to travel, to be able to help my family financially, get a small house of my own…I’ve always been told that I’m artistically very talented but in reality I produce nothing anymore. What is wrong with me? Can you give me any clues or even one small place to start from? I don’t want to be hopeless and I feel that I’m not. I do still have hope but I keep drawing a blank on how to begin.
Based on what you’ve said, I suspect that, like many artists, you never used to have a problem structuring your own time because your creativity always did it for you. Inspiration begets motivation begets organization, etc.
If that’s true, then what’s troubling you now may be that you’ve lost that capacity, either as a result of depression or chemotherapy or both. You can still be creative, you just can’t do something about it as easily as you used to. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 8, 2012
On the pie chart of what goes into a healthy relationship, sex should never be the biggest slice; that’s putting the most emphasis on the one element of a relationship over which people have the least control. Besides, the fact that it can ignite all your circuits or trigger vast yearnings doesn’t mean it will find you, or make you, a good long-term partner. If your partner is loyal, caring, and reliable, then how frequently you get a piece shouldn’t take the biggest piece of the pie.
–Dr. Lastname
My 34-year-old husband is a wonderful, sexy, kind, sensitive, clever man. Fourteen years ago, however, he had a severe meth addiction that got him in jail. After ten years sober, he started drinking a few years ago, but, having worked in the addiction field, I don’t think the drinking is an issue at all, though I do think the meth has really screwed with this head. What he does have an issue with is intimacy and sex. We have a wonderful relationship so we’ve talked extensively about the problems we have—erectile dysfunction. He says that the meth fucked with his head sexually, and that it made it very difficult for him to have “normal,” i.e., non-aggressive sex. Before me, he found sex fine with women he was not emotionally connected with, but as soon as feelings came in, the sex became more difficult. Early in our relationship, sex wasn’t an issue, but as soon as we got engaged, and then married—it became very difficult. He’s warm and loving, and doesn’t want to be ‘aggressive’ with me, which means he can rarely get it up. We kiss and touch a lot, but it’s getting harder and harder to deal with; I feel rejected, he doesn’t feel like a good husband or a ‘real’ man, though I tell him every day how much I love him. When we do manage to have sex, it’s beautiful, but he rarely comes, and is rarely hard all the way through, and it’s infrequent. I definitely think it’s a psychological issue, and so does he. He talks about feeling massive anxiety and pressure that he will lose me, and this makes the problem worse. It seems this combination of our (new) marriage, his lousy job, and his past is putting a huge psychological pressure on him. I’m not sure what to do—do we go to therapy together? Him alone? What kind of therapist? How do I deal with this? I’ve been endlessly patient, I’ve snapped and lost my temper, I’ve reassured him, I’ve cried. I love him so much and I want to help him and us, and also make sure that I deal with it right.
The trouble with trying to fix sexuality by understanding its psychological underpinnings is that it turns an inability to perform into a personal failure. As we always say, figuring why something’s wrong isn’t the same as figuring out how to make it right.
Sex aside, you get along well with your husband, who seems like a hardworking guy with the strength of character to stick with a job he doesn’t like and stay off drugs. You feel respect and affection for one another. So far, so good.
In other words, you have a good marriage, even if he doesn’t have a lot of orgasms. Your relationship has the important stuff, so don’t give sex any more importance than necessary. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 1, 2012
A serious trauma will change the way you see the world, but if you’re not careful, it will also try to change your very beliefs by distorting your feelings and perceptions. You can’t prevent it from causing depression, anxiety, and lots of fear, but if you know what matters in your life and are determined to continue on your course, you can stop it from affecting your beliefs and drawing you into vicious cycles of isolation, conflict, and more trauma. Trauma is random and meaningless; your job is to give meaning to the part of yourself that endures it and still believes you can make the world a better place.
–Dr. Lastname
After a dark couple of years fighting off my worst bout of depression, anxiety and PTSD from a bad sexual assault (aren’t they all!) last year finally saw the fog lift and for me to really get back into my creative work which is now doing really well. I met a guy a few months ago. He is the first man that makes we want to really tackle some of my man issues, so I can really connect in an emotional and sexual way with him. We haven’t been intimate yet as I have been traveling for work, but I am returning soon. I cannot wait to see him, we talk every day and we really do have a special bond already. He has commented on my ‘aloofness’ at times and my ‘shutting down’. I don’t want him to think I don’t care about him, or that it is his fault. For the first time ever, I am considering telling him about the assault (I have never told a partner before) but I worry that it would be too big for him to handle, or that he would treat me differently, either like I’m a fragile victim or that I’m damaged goods. I don’t want or need a rescuer. My goal is to make a decision that would not only benefit me but us as a couple.
When deciding whether to tell a new friend about your abuse, what’s important isn’t whether you tell, but how. You never, ever want trauma to define you; it’s what you do with it that counts.
Post-trauma depression can leave you with hopeless thoughts about your inability to trust or be happy again. It tempts you to regard moments of anxiety and withdrawal in a new relationship, not as normal new relationship jitters, but as evidence of permanent damage and an incapacity to relate.
What you know, however, is that you’ve survived those fears and reflexes while going on with your life and taking the risk of getting close to someone new. They won’t stop you (unless you happen to pair up with a guy who can’t stand occasional depression and aloofness, in which case, he’d be better off with a robot).
So, if you haven’t let being a trauma victim hold you back so far, don’t treat yourself like one now. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 10, 2011
Whether you feel you’re in the right or in the wrong, defining your moral position in terms of someone else’s feelings is going to get you lost. If you feel you’re in the wrong, you don’t have to win forgiveness to make it right. If you feel wronged, trying to get an apology will probably making the wronging worse. If you’re doing what’s right, it won’t matter how people respond; having confidence in carefully considered choices will keep you on course.
–Dr. Lastname
I was a terrible mother to my kids when they were younger—I yelled all the time and even hit them, and my husband had good reason to divorce me and allow nothing but occasional custody. Still, I love them dearly and I’ve always wanted to make amends; we’re all older now (they’re in their 20s), I’m a lot calmer after a lot of therapy to work through my anger issues. I’d do anything to help them, but one of them threatens to stop talking to me if I mention the fact that she drinks too much, and the other is polite but pretty distant. I feel I can’t get through to either of them because the mistakes of my past have ruined things forever. What can I do to mend our relationship?
I don’t doubt you want to help your kids, but that help comes with a high price– forgiveness for being an asshole when they were younger.
That was years ago, though, and you’ve continued to care for them and pay for them while learning to control your behavior (their being older probably helped). So before you ask how to get their forgiveness, ask what you have to do to forgive yourself. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 19, 2011
The purpose of life is not to be found in human connectedness, or at least not the kind that arises from the instant sharing of feelings, food, and/or bodily fluids. RomComs, pop songs and almost every advice source might tell you otherwise, but there’s no reason for people who don’t connect easily to feel or be excluded from the human race. Whether you’re attachment-impaired or dealing with someone who doesn’t know a relationship from a turnip, your job is to build relationships according to your own standards, in your own way. Even if you don’t share, you can still care.
–Dr. Lastname
Even in my 40s, I carry a lot of baggage/resentment from my upbringing. I was born in a foreign country and adopted by an older couple who had already raised two of their own kids before deciding to adopt. They were worn out, emotionally distant–my Mother suffered severe depression—so it was a quiet, lonely, and undirected childhood. I’ve since created what most days feels like a good life but working in a very competitive field, I feel like it can all be taken away from me in a flash (and, like most people since the economy collapsed, I’ve been laid off a number of times). I’ve always managed to find work, but I can’t help but think my shy and quiet demeanor has a lot to do with ending up on the chopping block; slipping through the cracks has been the recurring theme of my life. On some level I know I suffer from attachment disorder–connecting with others has always been a challenge and making idle chit-chat with co-workers and “bragging” about my accomplishments takes extreme effort—but moving forward I’d like to feel more connected to people I work with and form stronger relationships and friendships in my life. I think it would be good for my career and my overall being. How do I make that happen?
Before plumbing your personal history for the cause of your isolation, examining its impact on your resume, or trying to increase your degree of connectedness to other people, there’s a much simpler first step—asking yourself why you’re doing all this in the first place.
You’re not saying you’re lonely or that you wish to be closer to a particular friend or family member, just that, if you were more connected to others in a general, categorical way, you would be less disposable and less easily fired. That may be true.
On the other hand, you’re also saying that your lack of connectedness, like your mother’s lack of connection with you, represents a kind of failure that makes life less meaningful. That’s just plain false. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 25, 2011
The most powerful mama-bear parenting instinct, to feel infinitely responsible for protecting your baby from harm, is helpful when your child is, say, being attacked by a bear, but it’s infinitely troublesome in all but the most basic situations. Yes, you’ve got to do your duty if and when there’s something you can do, but most of the time, your options are limited and protective powers feeble. Your real powers come from not losing your confidence, even when your child is suffering at the hands of something other than a large predator, and conveying a belief in your ability to get through bad things together in the long run.
–Dr. Lastname
My 5-year-old son is a sweet, sensitive kid who’s generally happy and gets along well with his older brother, but ever since he got a baby brother six months ago, he’s been impossible to console when a tantrum comes on. If he feels left out of something, he’ll cry hysterically, big fat tears for a LONG time afterward, without my being able to distract him out of it. And the other day, he was so upset about something pretty trivial that, when we were sitting together later he said, “Mama, is it okay if I die?” And while, on the one hand, it is pretty silly to hear that sentence in his tiny little funny voice, it’s also very sad, since I know he just wants me to give him lots of attention and reassurance, and I did do that a little bit, but I’m worried that, if I feed into his need for attention, it will become his middle-child fate to join the drama club, or else ignore it and have him feel like no one really cares about him.
Your basic instinct as a parent is to soothe a crying baby and feel successful if it works. If it doesn’t work, you’re a failure, you’ve got to keep trying, and, even when it finally works, you worry that there’s a grander failure on the horizon, like a child who ends up selfish or gets a tribal tattoo.
Yes, even if you do finally soothe your child, you wonder whether you’ve got a kid who’s very unhappy because you don’t understand his needs, or a needy kid who’s training you to spoil him. That’s why parents pray for “easy” kids, and lazier types stick with pets. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 14, 2011
When someone expects a lot from you, it’s supposed to be a sign of respect; they think you’re capable enough to achieve great things. A lot of the time, however, it’s just a reflection of their false hopes and laziness, because they want you to be able to do everything they can’t do, the generally impossible, the dishes, and everything in between. If you accept their overly-optimistic assumptions, you’ll also share their frustration, guilt, and maybe blame. Don’t start helping before giving careful thought to what’s really possible. Then figure out a positive way to share the bad news…in the most respectful way possible.
–Dr. Lastname
It was just starting to look like my 25-year-old son had found some happiness and confidence when, bang, he had a bad motorcycle accident, broke his leg, lost his contract job because he couldn’t do it, and slipped back into the depression that has dogged him (and the rest of the family) since he was a teenager. He’s a good kid who managed to finish college in spite of dropping out a couple times because of depression, and now, to see him lying around the house, declaring that he’s just another “failure to launch,” is breaking my heart. My goal is to help him feel better about himself and life.
We’ve talked a lot recently about how some people have difficulty getting motivated after a long depression, but when you are depressed, you actually have tremendous motivation…to see your world as being shit.
Depression gives you the power and motivation to refuse to see it any other way. Even when depression isn’t in the cards, it’s hard to convince someone who’s feeling down that they’re wrong.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 7, 2011
Some self-help experts tell us that we control our destiny! All that does is make you feel responsible for things working out in the end, which is why your automatic response when that doesn’t happen is to figure out where you went wrong while feeling like a shitty, guilty mess. The truth is most big problems can’t work out in the end, particularly when they involve illness and aging, and the only thing wrong is that we’re living in a very, very tough world. Instead of asking where you failed, be proud of what you achieved despite being destined to suffer at nature’s whim.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been very helpful and patient with my husband since he suffered brain damage after being hit by a car, but I’ve just about had it. Everyone in our families focuses on finding a new treatment for him, and we’re all happy that he’s recovered some functions and can now talk and stand up. The trouble is, I’m exhausted, I’ve got no time to go out and make a living, and he’s gotten into the habit of telling me what I’m supposed to do without a please, thank you or may I. My goal is to set him straight and let him know I can’t keep it up at this pace and that he needs to improve his tone.
Setting someone straight when he wants too much from you usually leads to a guilt fest; you make him feel guilty, he guilts you right back, and it’s a regular guiltapalooza.
You wouldn’t be knocking yourself out in the first place if you didn’t feel responsible and, yes, guilty for not doing more. Of course, you may be knocking yourself out doing things that are really, really necessary, but that’s unlikely. Guilt rarely works that way.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
