Posted by fxckfeelings on August 20, 2020
When you feel like crap, an obvious goal is to feel like not-crap, but just because it’s obvious doesn’t mean it’s simple. If, like our reader from earlier, you need a better goal than “feeling better,” here are five ways to find that goal.
1) Focus On Action Over Emotions
Since “feeling good” is often out of your control—the determination to have a good day is no match for rainclouds, incontinent birds, and/or current events—focus instead on what it takes to make you feel like a good person. Define for yourself the actions that define good person-hood, e.g., being a good friend, supporting yourself, delivering good work, being a good partner or parent, not being an asshole. Ignore the things that make you happy, like love, sex, money, and admiration. Being a good person isn’t always a feel-good endeavor.
2) Approach your Assessment
After making your list of good person traits, rate yourself realistically in those areas above that you think are important and meaningful. Don’t get perfectionistic or overly self-judgmental (an easy thing to do if you’re miserable and depressed), but don’t shy away from judgment. Rate yourself as you would rate a friend, looking at the facts as you know them. Good enough is a good grade because it’s not easy for most of us to be a good person, especially when we feel terrible.
3) Witness Your Weak Spots
Ask yourself whether there’s anything you really need to improve, in order to think of yourself as a reasonably good person—i.e., not an asshole—or whether you’re OK with yourself. Unlike trying to feel good, which is broad, ambiguous, and can often be achieved by destructive behaviors (e.g., lots of spending, sleeping, and/or opiates), trying to be good isn’t as complicated. If you’ve assessed where your weaknesses are then you know exactly where your attention should go.
4) Address Areas of Improvement
So now that you’ve figured out what, if anything, you really need to improve in order to be a good person, you’ve figured out your goal. Rate the probability, if you try to become a reasonably good person, that you’ll become more unhappy than you are now. For instance, if you need to control your temper, your drinking, or your spending, you may feel worse before you feel better. But understanding that, and the long-term rewards can go a long way towards making the work and discomfort more bearable. It also helps to find people, like family and friends, a therapist, or even a support group, who can offer you advice and encouragement.
5) Redefine Failure
If, on the other hand, you’re really doing OK in all the areas of being a good person that matters most to you, then ask yourself whether you consider yourself a failure because you haven’t been able to overcome your unhappiness. If so, correct your thinking. By your own standards, you’re a reasonably good person in spite of feeling a great deal of chronic unhappiness. That’s hard to do. Nobody can control how you feel; despite feeling awful, however, you haven’t given up on being your best. So give yourself the respect you deserve for achieving what’s arguably the most important goal there is under some of the most unpleasant circumstances.
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 30, 2020
As with addiction, admitting you’re depressed is merely the first step to management and recovery. After that comes the work of fighting your depressive thoughts so they no longer make you doubt yourself, your work, and your right to live. So if, as with our reader from earlier, your grief and/or depression are making your life impossible, here are five ways to prevent those depressive thoughts from becoming assumed beliefs.
1) Ignore Your Emotions
Depression is like having your own personal garbage internet messageboard in your head; it will tell you you’re bad at your job, have lost the respect of those you work with and for, and should just crawl in a hole and die. In truth, you’re probably doing a good job, given the way that you feel, so the first step is the most obvious one; learning to push back when your brain floods you with negative feedback. Just because you feel bad doesn’t mean you’re doing everything badly, so don’t let your sadness taint your impression of your performance, self, worth, etc.
2) Be Your Own Best Friend
One quick way to refute your internal negativity is to ask yourself whether you’d say something similar to someone you care about. Ask yourself what standards you would expect this friend to meet given their situation/illness, and what language and tone would be appropriate, both in terms of being kind and motivating. You’d probably conclude rather quickly that you would never been that harsh to a friend because it’d be far more hurtful than helpful, and if you wouldn’t say it to a friend you shouldn’t say it to yourself.
3) Find the Facts
The best way to combat the misinformation coming from your brain is through research into your illness, because knowing exactly how depression works, and how little you are to blame for being afflicted by it, will make the thoughts easier to ignore. You will find that illness happens and people often have very little ability to prevent it. And even when they know they didn’t cause it they find ways to blame themselves for not eating healthy or sleeping enough, even though the major causes of depression are usually bad genes or bad luck. You will also find that depression is common, can be triggered by grief, and that you can lose focus and motivation regardless of how well you take care of yourself or how motivated you are to do your work. Once you know that your illness isn’t your fault, it’s easier to take its insults less personally and be less ashamed for being afflicted.
4) Stand Up To Stigma
Even after admitting to yourself that you’re depressed, it can be hard to admit it to others, especially outside of your inner circle. On the one hand, you’re entitled to keep your personal information private. But if your depression is imparing your ability to do your job—if it makes you look angry or withdrawn, or less eager to volunteer to do your part, or harder to focus and do your job well—then calmly stating to your colleagues what you’re going through won’t just explain your poor job performance but will also probably make them more understanding, patient, and eager to help going forward. Don’t ask for help apologetically, as if you’ve messed up and need forgiveness. Instead, let people know you’re having a tough time with symptoms, but you’re still trying very hard to do a good job and take care of your problem.
5) Out of Hiding, Seek Help
Your depression may tell you that it’s not worth getting help, or that looking is too hard, or that you’ll just end up pumped full of drugs and even more miserable. But this, of course, is yet more bullshit. Fighting the negativity of depression is hard, but a cognitive therapist can help you identify and challenge those negative thoughts and prevent them from becoming accepted. Medication may also help, although it takes at least several weeks to work and often requires multiple trials before an effective one can be found. Mostly, finding outside help will give you the support to face your illness. It will give you an outside opinion to remind you that you’re not a bad person, that bad symptoms happen to sane people, and that you’re not alone. Respect your work ethic while you prepare to fight a serious illness and give yourself the support and treatment you need.
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 16, 2019
When your life is particularly unstructured and chaotic, it can be hard to restore order, especially if you’ve usually relied on outside sources—like your family, school or job—to provide structure and discipline for you in the past. So when you can’t find a tiger mom or drill sergeant to whip you into shape, here are five ways to be your own disciplinarian.
1) Prepare a List of Your Priorities
Even if your whole life is up in the air, there are certain fundamental needs that keep us all grounded, like money, food, shelter, and health care. There are probably things in life you think you need, from a romantic relationship to a drink, but it’s worth sitting down and differentiating between your needs and wants, then making a plan to fulfill those needs in a way that doesn’t violate one of your other major priorities; being a decent person, despite the shitshow that you’re currently living through.
2) Don’t Give in to Distraction
If you’re someone who tends to put the needs of others first—either because you’re just programmed that way, or because experience, like military training, has done the programming for you—then you have to learn to supress that instinct. The common analogy in times of personal crisis is to think of airline safety instructions; you need to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help anybody else. For veterans in particular, the instinct to find good people to protect and bad people to attack will be strong, but your job right now is to protect yourself. Otherwise, you’re useless to help the people you care about.
3) Reflect on Your Resources
No matter how resourceless you may feel, and no matter how many obstacles may be in your way, from health to legal issues, you always have time and abilities you’ve accrued over the course of your life. If you’ve had military training or just waited tables, or have a rich uncle or just know someone who knows someone who’s hiring, you have abilities or connections that can help you get through.
4) Set up a Schedule
After you settle on a list of priorities, make a daily schedule with blocks of time dedicated to each item on your list. If can get some idea of how much time you’ll need to accomplish each goal, that will make you schedule even more useful in terms of dividing your time more wisely and prioritizing tasks even further. Then set alerts on your phone, set up a rewards system for yourself, whatever it takes to keep your new structure intact.
5) Build a Team
Since phone alerts are rarely enough support, don’t be too proud or shy to get your friends and family, or even a professional, like a therapist, to help you stay focused. Assemble a team that’s willing to help you monitor your progress by discussing your planning, reviewing your schedule and priorities, and talking with you regularly about your execution of your plan. Remember, you’re supposed to lean on their shoulders, not cry on them; if you unload on them with your feelings of helplessness or disappointment, it will make them feel helpless and likely to abandon the mission. Keep focused on what you’re trying to do, and they’ll help keep you focused on your goals in return. Then they’ll be more motivated to give you what you need, you’ll be more motivated to do what you need, and you’ll have a structure that will support you and your plans going forward.
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 2, 2019
People often complain about having to deal with an overbearing boss or teacher, but they usually don’t complain when they see the results; tough-but-fair authority figures also give people well-defined goals, keep them busy and organized, and push them to maintain good habits. They’re demanding, but they’re also in demand, which is why we pay high tuitions for good schools, commute long distances to work for well-run companies, and, occasionally, flounder when a tough boss or strong structure is no longer in our lives. Living in chaos can make it easy to lose energy, confidence, and momentum, but you can implement your own sense of order by accessing the values that you care about most, limiting bad habits and developing the behaviors and plans that will make you not just your own boss, but a boss, period.
-Dr. Lastname
I’m a combat veteran who served in the middle east. I got out a few years ago, but after coming home, getting a job, going to school, and generally doing well, I’ve hit sort of a rough patch. I broke up with this girl that I was dating and I legit broke the fuck down (probably because it was my first serious relationship). I was then able to hold everything together for a bit, but over the last year I’ve lost my job, failed out of school, and have no idea what the fuck is going on. I feel as though I have lost the discipline I gained while in the military. I went to see a therapist but he was more interested in learning how to treat veterans then actually helping me figure out my specific problems. Oh, and my parents are going through a divorce right now, but that does not bother me that much as neither of them is dying or anything (but if figured this is pertinent as every head headshrinker I have ever seen in the movies always tries to blame it on your parents). Plus I was coping for a while by drinking way too much and have been smoking weed way too much, although I’ve been sober for a month or so now. My goal is to get over this hump and force myself to do the things that I know I need to do to achieve the goals that I am certain I am capable of.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 12, 2018
After experiencing something painful and difficult, it’s natural to work hard to regain control and find ways to avoid going through the same thing again. In some cases, that means avoiding a certain kind of person, or type of dark street, or a specific hairstylist, and hoping that these better choices, combined with better luck, will keep you safe. However, when the experience involves a severe episode of what could likely become a chronic mental illness, your smart choices and allotment of good luck are fairly limited; as much as you may want to prevent a recurrence of your disease and future symptoms, no search for the best treatment or routine is guaranteed to help. And pushing yourself too hard to keep yourself safe won’t just dangerously raise your expectations but distract you from the real work of making a plan for how to deal with a relapse. So real hope should never create expectations of control, be it over your safety, heart, or bangs, but on living one’s life as fully as possible when control isn’t possible.
-Dr. Lastname
I am a person who has a mental illness! I have treatment-resistant depression and ADD and a soupçon of PTSD. I am in treatment with a psychiatrist I like very much and it’s actually pretty chill that therapy really works. I’m a much healthier person than I was five years ago! So between that and the fact that I have been in therapy long enough to throw my inner child a quinceañera, I am not asking for treatment-related advice. It’s just that sometimes, daily life is really challenging, and as a moderately successful person with a moderately growing career, I spend a lot of time worrying that my relative instability is going to just tank everything. Like I have spent the past three days in a panicky fear that I had re-entered the depression abyss when it turned out to really just be hideous PMS, which I can’t predict (really). Either way, my Depressed Self was back in action and I spent a couple days sleeping, crying, and unable to work. My goal is to build a routine, consistent life with steady work and self-care, despite the occasional, disruptive curveballs that depression throws my way.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 13, 2015
If you’ve been struck with a severe medical illness, then PTSD is like the mental aftershock. Instead of recovering from your initial illness, you can end up struck with panic attacks that turn recovery into a sequel to your suffering. Just because you can’t recover feelings of calm equanimity, however, doesn’t mean that you’re not on the mend or that you can’t lead a meaningful life in spite of anxiety and not working. Learn how to fight negative thinking, even when life sucks, the anxiety won’t go away, and the ground never stops shaking, and you can still find meaningful things to do with each day.
-Dr. Lastname
My life is currently in complete disarray and I’m on medical leave from work to resolve my health issues, which almost took my life several times over the last few years. I go to a therapist who also teaches yoga, and started seeing a CBT as well, but my daily life is still miserable and I need help. I’m currently sitting at my computer sweating, crying, shaking and no amount of medicine or breathing technique or exercise is helping. My goal is to figure out how to get my health issues under control.
Expecting to get most health issues under control, including depression and panic attacks, is often a way to make yourself even more unhappy and sick.
That’s because we can never totally control our health or our illnesses, and cures are few and far between. In your case, you’re obviously doing all the right things—getting medical help, seeing therapists, exploring various kinds of treatment—so give yourself credit for what you’re doing, and cut yourself some slack for not being able to control what your brain and body have decided to do on their own.
It’s hard not to feel overwhelmed when you’ve recently experienced extreme medical problems, and it’s impossible not to get freaked out when experiencing the extreme symptoms of a panic attack, but you know, deep down, that the anxiety will pass.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 7, 2015
Most tough decisions involve competing risks of the damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you don’t variety; tougher still are those that factor in someone you care about, so now they’re damned if you do or don’t. In evaluating risk, however, we often over-fear threats that cause pain but aren’t dangerous and under-fear true dangers because they won’t hurt until they happen. So if you’re realistic about rating risk, and don’t overreact to the risk of emotional hurt, your decisions will often become clearer. That will make it easier to damn your doubts and do the right thing.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t really get into the specifics of my job (for reasons that are about to become obvious), but I work in a partnership with another woman at a job where a mistake could cause serious injury, and my partner is always drunk. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, because I’m an alcoholic myself (two years sober, in the program), but she denies everything and changes the subject. I don’t want to bring it up with the higher ups, however, because, even though her being drunk puts us both in danger and scares the shit out of me, I know she’ll lose her job, which will just make her drinking worse. My goal is to figure out what, if anything, to do about it that won’t get her in trouble or both of us in a dangerous situation.
While Alcoholics Anonymous believes that there are no “former” alcoholics, there are many different kinds, e.g., active, in recovery, functioning, possibly just French, pickled, etc.
As an alcoholic in recovery, you should know that AA also says that we’re only as sick as our secrets. And your secret, about her secret, could make you both very sick indeed. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 27, 2015
Of the many things out there that people can be afraid of—spiders, heights, gays—the one thing that truly scares the shit out of all of us is change. Whether it’s good or bad, change is unfamiliar, and unfamiliar is inherently frightening. Sometimes, particularly when it’s forced on us, we think change will turn out badly and it doesn’t, but when we really don’t want change, we try to prevent it, and that can be at our own peril. Don’t let neediness or fear control your view of the future (or marriage). Whether you’re facing or adapting to change, think through what’s good for you, and you’ll become better at forecasting its impact and taking pride in your brave response.
–Dr. Lastname
After hip surgery, I felt like I was in a fog…it wasn’t just the physical adjustment, but there was a freak complication during the procedure, and my brain might have lost oxygen for a bit. I came out of it with no energy, and my memory was shot. The doctor said that was normal, but now it’s a year later and I still don’t have the energy or mental sharpness that I used to depend on. My husband says I’m different but that he likes the new me just as much as the old one, if not more, because he thinks I’m calmer and a better listener. I think he’s just being sweet, so I’m still afraid to spend time with old friends or co-workers so I don’t frighten them and humiliate myself since I just feel slow and stupid. My goal is to get my old self back and stop being a pale imitation of the smart go-getter I used to be.
When you lose something great about yourself, whether it’s the ability to strike out the side in the big leagues or make it as a supermodel or just remember the names of everyone at the party, it’s hard not to dwell on everything you’ve lost and search desperately for a way to get it back.
Unfortunately, change is inevitable with age and it’s always uncomfortable, even when it’s welcomed. You can find the courage to withstand a career-salvaging Tommy John or Tummy Tuck. When the changes are more mental than physical, however, there’s almost nothing you can do, even though you’d give anything to turn back time.
You’re right to try to get back to your old self, at least at first; that’s what rehabilitation is about, for a limited time. Almost always, however, when there’s a permanent component to an injury, your goal needs to shift from total recovery to management of a permanent impairment. That’s when you transition to becoming a sportscaster, a trophy wife, or, in your case, someone slightly different. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 23, 2015
Unless you’re a professional football player, litigator, or interventionist (or an amateur Asshole), you probably don’t enjoy confrontation. That’s usually a good thing, since there’s a reason that confrontation and incarceration sound so similar. It’s not good, however, if you’re just putting off a showdown while you try to understand your provocateur’s reasoning, or because you’re too forgiving of confrontation-worthy behavior. Like the football player, self-protection is one of your most important jobs, so learning how and when to take a stand requires the same amount of attention and follow-through as it takes for society to make laws and police to enforce them. If you do your job properly, you’ll know how to get through to someone without having to go pro and/or get into their face.
–Dr. Lastname
It took a while for my pizza shop to become successful because I’m an outsider in this very small community, but I’m a friendly person and my pizza is good, so I’m finally starting to get lots of regular customers. My problem is that one of those customers likes to come in for dinner two to three nights a week with his two very hyperactive little kids— they run around the restaurant, yell at one another, and bother all the other customers while dad ignores them, eats his pizza very slowly, and reads the newspaper. He makes me furious because I don’t understand how he can allow his kids to be so rude and obnoxious, and I’m worried about his driving other diners away. I’ve given him dirty looks and cleared his table forcefully, which he ignores. If I say anything, it just sounds angry, random, and, according to my brother who works with me, possibly offensive. My goal is to get this person to either stay away or leave the kids at home.
Whether you’re dealing with customers, relatives, or people who take up an entire overhead bin/park across three spaces/don’t wipe down the gym equipment when they’re done with it, it’s hard not to become over-reactive when people seem to disregard your expectations about personal space.
Unfortunately, the more reasonable you feel your expectations are, the more unreasonable you get when they’re ignored. If you were entirely rational, you’d assume their actions were their problem—evidence of stupidity or insensitivity rather than a personal insult—and do what was necessary to protect yourself. Unfortunately, you are not a robot, and, as such, you know from rage.
To you, rude people should know better and are disrespecting the rules of civilization. If they don’t respond to dirty looks or loud honks—indications that you are on to their willful disrespect—they are defying those rules and deserve punishment. While you, like so many, are tempted to provide that punishment, the result of such feelings, even when you’re dealing with your own kids, is almost always ugly and leads to trouble.
So stop expecting your customers to be civilized, or just knowingly uncivilized, and don’t feel obliged to improve their behavior. Instead, define the limits of bad behavior that you believe are acceptable in the space that’s your responsibility to control, then plan out a safe, polite and effective intervention. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 26, 2015
Between for-profit education and for-bullshit accreditation, it’s harder than ever to figure out who’s actually knowledgeable and who just has access to a printer. It’s just as hard to figure out your own level of expertise when you have to weigh in on personal matters; being an outsider gives you better perspective, even if it makes you wonder whether you belong, but being an insider can ruin your perspective, even though it makes you feel connected and close. Either way, take perspective whenever you can get it and don’t blame yourself if you must sacrifice comfort and closeness in the process. You may not be a certified expert, but your opinion will be valuable nonetheless.
–Dr. Lastname
My immediate family has never been easy, in part because my parents went in for favoritism— dad adored my sister and mom my brother while I had to fend for myself. Now we are middle-aged and they are old and infirm and my father is ill. This has set off a toxic dynamic between my siblings who are having furious rows and exchanging horrible insults over the burden of our parents’ care. I travelled 400 miles to visit them and my sister walked out of our parents’ home at 2 am and found a hotel after a shouting match (which I stayed out of). Even though I did not have a happy childhood and was nobody’s favorite, I do wish to help them through their final days without being caught up in the warlike dynamic that my father’s impending death seems to have unleashed. My goal is to balance the demands of my own life, be a good daughter to my dying father and confused elderly mother, and avoid being drawn into the rivalry of my younger siblings who were both favored over me.
Kids who feel like losers are often comforted with the promise that it’s the outsiders who grow into the most successful adults; whether you’re talking about surviving high school or a tough home life, the popular kids peak early, and the weirdoes wait longer to achieve much more.
Your outsider upbringing might not have brought you wealth or an Oscar, but it has given you more strength and perspective than your more popular siblings could understand.
Your siblings’ closeness to your parents might have been a gift when you were kids, but it can become a liability at this stage if it also gives them an unlimited sense of responsibility for your parents’ welfare, and also plays into a blaming sibling dynamic. They end up mad at themselves, and at each other, for not doing a better job.
It’s an impossible position for anyone to put themselves in because there are obviously times when you can’t take care of your parents, or when the best care in the world can’t spare them from the pain and deterioration of aging. If you don’t know the limits of your responsibility, there’s no end to the guilt you can impose on yourself or those whom you feel aren’t doing their fair share.
Instead of feeling endlessly burdened by your parents’ decline or angry at your siblings for not doing enough, you can stay focused on helping out and staying civil. Perhaps your parents’ neglect wasn’t heartless, but an ingenious way of preparing you to be the one child able to stay positive and avoid a meltdown at just the time when they most need to feel that the family is calm and united.
Celebrate the wisdom and skills you’ve gained as a family outsider who had to take care of herself. Then share your wisdom with your siblings by respecting your own contribution to your parents’ support and showing little inclination to judge theirs. Show pleasure in their company and regret for the fact that no amount of support can make your parents’ lives much easier.
Being nobody’s favorite seems to have helped you to be kinder and less reactive than your siblings. If you stand by your goals of being helpful and avoiding conflict then your parents will benefit, perhaps your brother and sister will learn from your example, and you’ll achieve more than most people, cool or uncool, ever do.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I was never embraced by my family and that what’s left is disintegrating, but I have my own ability to maintain positive relationships and will not let fear and guilt drag me into conflict.”
I love and support my daughter in almost all things—she’s my only child, and the one good thing my piece of shit ex-husband ever gave me—but she and I are fighting all the time these days because I told her that marrying her boyfriend is a bad idea. After the bloodbath of a divorce she lived through with her father and me, I thought she’d never consider marriage, ever, but now she’s really set on marrying this guy and really upset that I can’t support it. I know they’ve been dating for a long time, that he’s never hurt her, and that they aren’t doing this for any obviously stupid reasons. But for whatever reason, I don’t totally trust this guy, and I don’t think it’s worth the risk. My goal is to get my kid to respect my insight instead of fighting with me and ending up heartbroken.
Protecting your child from harm is certainly part of a parent’s job, and your bad marriage gave you good reason to regard marriage as painful and potentially harmful. As kids grow up, however, your ability to protect them diminishes, as does your responsibility to do so. So no, you can’t always stop them from making mistakes and suffering, but you can stop feeling responsible while continuing to help them learn from the things that go wrong along the way.
If you make yourself responsible for your daughter’s marital choice, you will fight with her, hurt your relationship, and drive her into the arms of a guy you don’t trust. Instead, remind yourself that her boyfriend is her business; your job is to teach her how to screen a partner for trustworthiness and learn from mistakes.
Begin by asking yourself what you learned from your broken marriage, putting aside your feelings of anger and betrayal. Pay attention to the information you had at your disposal when you first married your husband: what you knew about his reliability, behavior in past relationships, and trustworthiness. Don’t fault yourself for being overly trusting or foolish back then, just ask yourself whether you were diligent in looking at or uncovering evidence of his trustworthiness.
Without bad-mouthing your ex, share your wisdom with your daughter regarding good methods for doing a complete pre-partnership investigation into trustworthiness and compatibility. Don’t argue with her about whether her boyfriend is a good guy, because she needs to figure that out herself.
Feel free to disagree, if necessary, about her methodology or data interpretation, but don’t close yourself off to the possibility that you may be overly critical of her boyfriend and somewhat biased against the institution of marriage altogether. What was wrong for you might not be wrong for her, especially if she’s given her decision careful thought.
Your goal isn’t to get her to respect your insight into her boyfriend’s character, but to respect her own ability to observe behavior and understand what it means. As long as she can learn from your mistakes, as well as her own, your discussions will strengthen your relationship as her chief coach and booster and help her find a good partner (or at least one much better than her dad).
STATEMENT:
“I don’t have good feelings about my daughter’s current boyfriend, but I will urge her to gather objective evidence and weigh it realistically without letting our disagreements become personal.”
