Posted by fxckfeelings on May 17, 2009
When everything in life seems to be going wrong, somebody’s bound to assure you, “at least you’ve got your health.” The problem is, no matter how much yoga we do and kale we choke down, we can never really control how healthy we are. Here are two cases of people who, in one way or another, are worrying themselves sick.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband and I just got pregnant, and while our parents are overjoyed, husband and his family keep ribbing me about my birth plan, and it’s starting to piss me off. Mainly, they think I’m stupid or something because I want a homebirth, and while my husband supports my decision—which I came to after reading some books, talking to friends, etc.—he’s made it clear that he thinks a conventional delivery would be smarter (and his mother now calls me “flower child” to my face, which isn’t funny, just weird). Conventional medicine isn’t always right, especially when it comes to taking into account the psychic scars that come from delivering a child in a sterile environment where s/he isn’t allowed to bond with his/her mother immediately, etc, etc. I just want to make sure that I have that our child is healthy and happy from his/her first second, and I hate that my husband thinks that this is a joke. My goal is to get him on board to put our baby’s health first and his stupid preconceptions second.
The scary thing about getting pregnant is knowing how much of your future happiness depends on having a healthy baby, and how powerless you are to guarantee that future. Of course, you do the usual—good nutrition, medical screening, no alcohol—but, in the end, there’s a natural process at work that goes wrong a certain percentage of the time regardless of prayer, diligence, organic this or holistic that. That’s life in its rawest form.
Our usual human reaction to such mortal helplessness is to invent and believe in various methods of control–some of which are incompatible with others–and then wage war with those who got it wrong, all of which splits the family and intensifies blame when something goes wrong. Welcome to why parenting is so hard.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 7, 2009
Since Monday was about anxiety, it makes sense that Thursday should be about the peanut butter to anxiety’s jelly– depression! In these two cases, depression has created urgent circumstances, not just for someone in pain, but for a sympathetic bystander. And, as often happens, the negative beliefs caused by depression are much more dangerous than depression itself.
–Dr. Lastname
Someone I’m close to called and e-mailed me a few times last night about killing himself, and this isn’t the first-time this has happened. The last time I got him to call a hotline and get help, and he agreed to go to therapy, but for whatever reason, it didn’t take, and now we’re back to square one. I’d like to believe that this time is another false alarm—that the fact he tells me he’s going to kill himself means that he wants me to talk me out of it—but how can I ever be sure? When he called last night, he asked me if I wanted to kill myself with him, I said no, but then he hung up before I could ask him where he was. Without a location for him, I didn’t feel like I could call the police, but I did call his parents (they couldn’t reach/find him, either). I don’t know what else to do, and frankly, I’m terrified. Please help me do whatever I can to keep him alive.
It’s dangerous to try to save the life of a suicide bomber, and that’s what certain very angry suicidal people are. It’s dangerous for them as well as for you, because the fact of your caring may give them a witness, a target for their anger, and a sense of meaning to their death.
If you don’t respond to his calls, he may take perverse satisfaction in letting you know he died because you failed him. If you do respond, he may tell you that you’re the only person keeping him alive.
Along the way, he tries to talk you into joining him. Whatever. He puts a terrible responsibility on you for his tortured life, and things go downhill from there.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 26, 2009
We’re all familiar with the phrase “he’s just not that into you,” but as easy as the eponymous treatise is to purchase in airport bookstores, the notion is often harder to grasp. Here are a couple of cases where people can’t accept not being accepted.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently got engaged to a great man whom I’ve been dating for several years now. His family is great, but I often get mixed vibes from his parents— especially his mom. (For the record, I’m a nice girl who plays her role well, e.g. I bring flowers over on holidays and send thank-you notes.) When my fiancé brought this issue up to his mom (with my encouragement) around Christmas time, she said she felt terrible that I felt slighted, but, when I was over their home recently for Easter, “mom” was chatting up a storm with the other brother’s fiancée, and no matter how hard I tried to join in the conversation appropriately it just didn’t work. After my fiancé’s father made a comment about me being quiet, my fiancé told his parents that I had felt slighted again. Then his mom sent me a friendly email trying to make plans, but his dad was annoyed saying that he doesn’t see how I’m “neglected.” If they treat me like this now, what will happen if we have kids someday? Will they ignore them, too? My goal is to enjoy holidays with my in-laws without feeling like I need to get them to like me.
It would be nice to eliminate your need for approval, but it’s not going to happen. Since there’s no way that your future in-laws are going to change their natural preference in daughters-in-law, trying to change your feelings or theirs is a dangerous goal.
Some therapists would recommend individual or family therapy, but given your and fiancé’s excellent efforts to communicate with his parents and the unfortunate (but not uncommon) result, therapy is likely to do more harm than good. The more you suggest your in-laws acknowledge and change their uneven behavior, the more likely they are to become stiff, unaffectionate, and eventually critical, putting your fiancé in the middle and increasing everyone’s helplessness. Ouch.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 15, 2009
Today’s cases are a double helping of people who feel like they’ve ruined their lives; one curses a bad choice, the other a character flaw, but both have made the bigger mistake of not being able to evaluate what failure actually means. It’s not that their lives can be 100% fixed, but they’re not 100% broken, either.
-Dr. Lastname
When I was in my teens, I decided to become a priest, because I really believed the priesthood would make my life complete. I fully immersed myself in the church, lost touch with all my friends, and spent the next ten years studying at the seminary, training in the religious life. The more I learned, however, the more I began to question the church’s teaching, and this made a lot of my peers and superiors anxious and annoyed. Eventually, I became disillusioned and finally decided to leave, but I had no idea what I was truly giving up. My oldest friends have educated themselves, found partners, and settled down, while I’m back living with my parents, having acquired no marketable skills and alienated myself from all my friends in the priesthood. You don’t need to lose God to feel like you’ve missed out on life late in the game. I feel I’ve failed myself. My goal is to fix this mess I’ve made of my life.
If your goal in becoming a priest was to be happy, then I can see why you regard yourself as a failure, because, in spite of a huge effort lasting many years, you quit the priesthood and are as unhappy as you’ve ever been, so congrats, the results of this critical decision couldn’t possibly be more negative or disappointing. On the bright side, there are better reasons for wanting to be a priest that have nothing to do with being happy or getting good results. Perhaps you wanted to be a priest because you believe in making the world a better place by helping others and making sacrifices, and, if that’s the case, how can you possibly be a failure?
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 12, 2009
If last week started with 101 cases, this week begins with a few from the 201 level; the first two are follow-ups to Thursday’s post about how to deal with crazy people, and the last case, about therapy itself, might seem a little too inside baseball at first glance, but it’s really about basic ways to evaluate whether or not therapy is worth it for you. Especially if you’re not actually crazy.
Thanks for the letters, and please keep them coming. Also, thanks to everyone for the nice tweets, and we’d respond personally more frequently were we not somewhat twittertarded. Alas.
-Dr. Lastname
Follow-up to the crazy neighbor dilemma: If the sane party chooses to move, how will they be able to sell their house without lying about why they are moving? Will anyone buy their house if they say there is a vindictive crazy man next door who may fixate on your family? What are your thoughts?
While this query might have been submitted with a short, direct response in mind, I’m treating it as a full case as it brings up an interesting issue; what’s your goal if someone has you squeezed into a totally inescapable corner, like the crazy neighbor who terrorizes you if you stay in your home and prevents you from selling it and leaving?
You might think your goal is escape, but in reality, that’s more of a wish; sometimes you’re fucked, you can’t escape, and feeling you should will increase your helplessness and self-blame and make you do something stupid. Simply put, your goal is to accept that you’re fucked and keep trying to escape. Remember, this is not useful, solution-oriented advice– it’s advice about what to do when there are no solutions, which is what life’s toughest situations are all about. And those are the kind of situations that drive someone to pay lots of money to talk to someone like me.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 5, 2009
For our inaugural posting, we thought we’d start slow with a few 101 cases; one person who’s lonely, one who’s miserable, and one who feels responsible for someone else’s misery. You know, simple stuff.
You’ll notice that at the end of every response, we provide a simple statement, either for yourself or for problematic third parties, that we think will simply put our advice into action. It’s less “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough,” and more, “I’m in a sea of shit, but I’m swimming as hard as I can.”
We’ll have more cases coming on Thursday, and remember, if you have problems of your own, we’re here to help. That said, read on to see what our vision of help is. –Dr. Lastname
I’ve gone on my last internet date. All my friends are married at this point, and when they set me up on blind dates, the fall-out is usually so dramatic that I’ve resorted to the internet instead. Now I’m finding out that blind blind dates are even worse. Most of the responses I get are creepy, and the few dates I like suddenly drop me, or just want something short-term, which isn’t what I’m looking for. I’m lonely, I’m sick of being single, and the whole process is making me more depressed because it’s so mechanical and devoid of romance, which is supposed to be the fun part, right? I’d say I’m a normal person, good job, have all my limbs…why am I still alone? Is this the best I’m going to get? My goal is to find a partner who will make me happy, but I’m ready to give up. –desperate.com
Finding a happy partnership is always a dangerous goal because it makes you dependent on something you can’t control but still have strong feelings about. If you don’t find someone—and there’s no guarantee you will—you’ll feel like a loser, rather than just plain lonely. If your goal is to feel less lonely, or satisfy other strong feelings that drive people into relationships and ignite excitement, you’re more likely to fall for the wrong person and/or forget about the other important things in your life. Don’t make it your goal to find someone or be happy (or, God forbid, both). Your job is to conduct a good search for a partner while remaining lonely for as long as it takes to protect your heart and everything of value in the life you have as a single person/human being.
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