Posted by fxckfeelings on December 22, 2014
Freaking out is good for your health in the moment if you’re facing a lion, zombie, or Beyonce, but if the moment passes and the freak-out doesn’t, then you’ve got problems. Some people then freak out about freaking out and see nothing but dark clouds sweeping in, while others shut the world out entirely and create a darkness of their own. In either case, if you don’t want fear to run your life, learn to assess your real risks and actual strengths. Then you can face anything from scary thoughts to American royalty without freaking out too much and feeling like your life is over.
–Dr. Lastname
Over the last few years, my panic attacks have been getting worse and nothing seems to work. So far, I’ve been able to hold it together and do my job, but I often have to hide in the bathroom for short periods in order to catch my breath and talk myself off the ledge. Valium helps a bit, but I have to be careful not to take it regularly or I’ll get addicted, which I’m very frightened of happening because addiction runs in my family. Other medication hasn’t helped, nor have changes to my diet and exercise routine, so I’m getting scared and desperate. My goal is to find a psychiatrist who can help me before anxiety ruins my life.
When you’re prone to experiencing random episodes of intense, meaningless fear that make your heart race, your throat close up, and your brain tell you the world is ending, it’s hard to be optimistic. They don’t call them panic attacks because they make you freak out about how great your future will be.
On top of that, panic attacks have no cure and, as you get older, anxiety tends to get worse. So, while it’s not surprising if you see the light at the end of the tunnel as either a train, a laser cannon, or the fires of hell itself, you have good reason for hope. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 15, 2014
As with nuclear waste, old hard drives and used take-out containers, there’s no clear way to dispose of unpleasant thoughts; some people feel like nasty feelings should be buried and ignored, and others that they must be purged and shared in order to be expunged. In actuality, feelings often aren’t unworthy even when they make you feel vaguely guilty, and don’t need airing even when they whine at the door and ask to be released. Before you decide whether your thoughts are hazmat grade, weigh them against your values and the consequences of self-expression. Often, you’ll find they don’t need to purged, just safely ignored.
–Dr. Lastname
After 25 years of happy marriage and three great kids together, I lost my wife to cancer two years ago. I think I’m ready to find another partner at this point, but I felt weird the other day when a co-worker suggested he set me up with a friend and I said I wasn’t ready. The truth is, I know a bit about her and, though she’s a nice person, she’s been struggling to find fulltime work for a few years now and there’s no way I could afford my current lifestyle if I had to support a partner. My goal is to figure out whether there’s something wrong with putting money ahead of love.
Having raised three kids and nursed a wife through cancer, you know that money isn’t the enemy of love— life is.
Life throws trouble at you, like medical problems and tuition, and love is what helps you give things their proper priority and makes you hurt when you can’t do as much as you’d like.
If you had no one to love in your life, and no better opportunity to find someone to share it with, then you might have good reason to sacrifice wealth and stability for a loving partnership. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 8, 2014
Making an emotional argument might convince other people that you care a lot about your cause, but it often won’t do very much to actually help you get what you’re arguing for. This is especially true in bad relationships, where emotion often exacerbates conflict or drives you to decisions that will make everyone miserable in the long run. If you back up your choices with evidence, not emotion, you’ll get further, get what you need, and likely get out of the bad relationship all together.
–Dr. Lastname
My estranged husband and I are about to begin mediation sessions to see if we can agree on how to divide our assets without spending a fortune on lawyers and court fees. We are on civil terms and have let things drift regarding our divorce, but it needs to be finalized so we can both move on with our lives. I am in a vulnerable position and need to get as good a settlement as I can; I want to get the most out of this expensive process without reacting in my old way if he presses my buttons, which he will. I felt angry recently when he told me that he resented any inference that he is less than honest, when he knows very well that he lied a great deal in the marriage. I do not wish to rehash old rows, score points or get sidetracked, and worry that I will get emotional and upset which will not help my position. How do I find a coping strategy in what has the potential to be a minefield and make the most of our time with the mediator? My goal is to stay focused and calm while doing my best to protect my security and to be assertive when necessary.
If your ex wants to be a dishonest, prickly asshole, you know there’s nothing you can do to stop him; if you could, you wouldn’t be getting divorced in the first place.
Fortunately, there is a sort of emotional kryptonite you can use to protect yourself (and your buttons) that will keep you from reacting in kind. If you want to neutralize emotional, provocative behavior, expose it to facts and cool confidence. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 1, 2014
Everybody needs help sometimes—even Putin could occasionally use a hand dismounting his steed—but not everybody’s idea of what constitutes constructive help is the same. This disconnect can be especially unpleasant in families, because parents instinctively want to help their children, but if their children prefer their help to be more tempered or less tough, feelings are going to get hurt. If you can remember the good intentions behind the bad technique—be you the receiver of help or the giver—you can figure out ways to communicate constructively, even with someone who wants to do right but just can’t help himself.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a pretty good relationship with my mother, but I can’t really talk to her about my problems or ask for advice because she gives me an earful. I know she means well, but she always worries about me and has her own theories about the courses I should have taken in college and the jobs I should have looked for. If anything goes wrong, she has theories about whom I alienated and what I should have done to make people like me. Like, right now, I’m dealing with a bad break up, but I have to pretend to be cheerful on the phone with her, because once she finds out what happened. she’ll list all the ways I ruin relationships or make bad choices in partners. It’s impossible. My goal is pursue my own course without losing her support when I need it or having to hide parts of my life from her.
You’ve obviously gotten good at not taking offense at your mother’s recriminations and learning to accept her tendency to overreact. Unfortunately, understanding is rarely a two way street; just because you accept her flaws doesn’t mean she’ll be able to stop herself from giving you an earful about yours.
So, even though you don’t see her observations as malicious or let them trigger your own doubts, her inability to control her worries or her mouth makes it unlikely that she’s ever going to change. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 6, 2014
The sad irony behind most stupid decisions is how much careful, intelligent thinking goes into convincing ourselves that the moronic, often-fearful choice we’re about to make is somehow the right thing to do. This is never truer than when it comes to relationships, when we can talk ourselves out of the game entirely or into a commitment that we’re bound to lose. So don’t waste needed brainpower to substantiate the feelings that tell you whether you should start going out or finish by tying the knot. Look at your basic abilities, decide to do what’s meaningful, and you’ll wind up making the smart choice.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m pretty good at being an independent lady but I do get lonely sometimes. I’ve thought of making more of an effort to date, but I’m not in great shape right now—I messed up my foot last year, so I went from not-thin to just fat—and it really bothers me that I haven’t take good care of myself and lost the weight when it’s really my responsibility. I feel I can’t expect to get together with a healthy guy if I’m not healthy myself, because I can’t get someone to love me if I don’t love myself, and it’s visibly obvious that I don’t. My goal is to figure out a way to get healthy so I can start dating without shame.
If your main concern is showing the world you take care of yourself, then being an Asshole to yourself is not a great way to start.
Taking care of yourself means being a good friend to yourself, and right now, you’re being the kind of friend who’s in high school, evil, and telling you, for your own good, that you’re like The Even Biggest Loser. You could do better in high school, and you can do better by yourself now.
After all, your basic values about mutual respect don’t depend on health, but on character. So, unless you’re about to bungee jump or enter a crowded elevator, don’t pay attention to any so-called weight requirement. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 3, 2014
Sometimes anxiety and depression are not illnesses, though they may feel like it; they’re part of every human’s normal alarm system, warning you that something painful or soon-to-be-dangerous needs your attention. When anxiety and depression randomly tell you that the world sucks, however, that’s when you cross the line from normal to unnecessary, requiring attention. Either way, never rush to discount what anxiety and depression have to tell you about the world, but never believe them until you’ve assessed the alarm and reached your own conclusion.
–Dr. Lastname
My anxiety has been better lately, but it kicked up last weekend after my roommate’s friends broke a window in our apartment while they were tossing around a football. My roommate’s a nice guy, but he doesn’t want to pay for the window because he says the landlord doesn’t take good care of our apartment in a bunch of other ways. Now I’m starting to worry about what will happen when the landlord sees the damage and whether it will come out of my security deposit, which seems unfair, since I wasn’t even here. Anyway, my goal is to figure out whether I should up my medication because the stress from this whole thing is really hard to take.
Anxiety, like tiredness or anger, isn’t inherently problematic; if we never felt these things, it would be a big problem, and a probable sign of drug use, lobotomy, or being dead.
The issue, of course, comes with feeling anxious too much, or tired all the time, or angry at trees for being lazy. The current anxiety you’re feeling is the regular kind; it’s your response to your roommate’s actions that need rethinking. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 30, 2014
War might be hell, but the decision whether or not to take on a fight can make you feel, at the very least, like you’re Satan’s upstairs neighbor. Sometimes you want to avoid taking necessary action in order to avoid (marital) bloodshed, and other times, even if you’re not in American government, you’re eager to take on a fight without realizing there’s no hope for real victory. In any case, never let anger or fear get in the way of your own analysis of the facts behind the conflict. Keeping the peace may mean that you have to stand up for an opposing point of view or just feel angry, but a little personal purgatory still beats the alternative.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I never argued about money until recently, when she retired and started spending large amounts on her new hobbies. We have more than enough to live on, thanks to the money I got when I sold my company, but I can’t help resenting the way she spends large sums without talking it over or checking to see how much we have left. If I share my resentment, she’ll feel I’m trying to control her, but I just want her to control her credit card. My goal is to get a handle on our finances without starting a fight that will just cause us both to feel bad and then probably prompt more spending.
Talking to your spouse about her spending is as difficult as talking about her drinking or eating, or even her skipping and gum-chewing. This is because, at the heart of it, trying to talk to someone about their actions sounds a lot like you’re trying to tell them what to do. And nobody outside of the military or the bowels of Craigslist’s sex ads wants to be told what to do, especially by the person who’s supposed to be on their side.
Because they feel like scoldings, discussions like this immediately create a quasi-parent/child dynamic, which is why things quickly devolve into eye-rolling, finger-pointing, name-calling. Ultimately, if you’re lucky, your shared tantrum will result in temporary cutbacks, resentment, and the beginning of a running, perhaps-infinite “I told you so” contest that no one will ever win.
So never communicate money worries until first reviewing your anticipated income, expenses, assets, and areas of control. Consult an accountant or a simple book or website on budgeting. Pretend you’re a corporate manager who must find out how much your department—not just this one employee—can spend next year without depleting your assets, and how much will be left after covering necessities.
Then compose a memo describing your conclusions, decisions about the spending you control, and recommendations about the spending you don’t. Edit out criticism, fear, or defensiveness; your job is to provide good information and solid decisions that reflect your values and your family’s shared need for a financial plan, not to make your wife happy.
Before sharing your report, prepare for unfair personal criticism by composing positive, fact-filled answers. If you’re accused of being a control freak, invite her to offer better solutions that don’t break the budget. Regret the fact that you can’t always agree on priorities, but don’t budge from the facts, and avoid getting emotional.
It’s too bad that you and your wife’s spending instincts are not as naturally compatible as they have been, but it’s not unusual to have disagreements when life enters a new phase. You may not be able to make her happy or end those disagreements, but you can come up with a budget you believe in, refuse to let the disagreement become personal, and stay positive about the future security you’re creating by endorsing spending limits, even when she doesn’t agree.
If you sit down to talk about the nuts and bolts of your finances, not to take apart her spending habits, you can have a real discussion that could result in a budget instead of a brawl.
STATEMENT:
“I hate for my wife to feel deprived or over-ruled, but I will not express fears or argue about spending until I’ve put together a budget and tried to engage her positively in defining what’s necessary and making tough decisions. We may not wind up agreeing, but I will keep our differences to a minimum and not express fear or personal criticism.”
When my son decided to leave for college, we all thought he’d have a great time because he’s gregarious, likeable, and well motivated. Unfortunately, he somehow got depressed almost immediately upon starting school, and the whole year was a struggle with grades that were OK, but a disappointment. Then, after coming home and immediately feeling like his old self, he decided he had the problem licked and would have no trouble going back. After returning to school and another two months of depression, however, he’s ready to call it quits and transfer to another college. I don’t like the idea of his quitting and wasting time, but I can’t talk him out of it. I’m angry, which just means he doesn’t listen to me. My goal is to give him advice he will listen to and save him from making a mistake.
Assuming you’re right about your son’s depression, and that he can’t help it, you have more reason to be proud of his efforts to make school work than you have to be ashamed of his desire to quit and come back home. After all, you don’t see him as fundamentally immature or dependent, just prone to an away-from-home depression that he can’t shake. That doesn’t mean that college has to be torturous for him, even if it can’t be an average experience.
Homesick-triggered depression doesn’t seem to have been studied objectively, but it happens to some very solid kids and is just one of those problems that usually gets better as we get older. It shouldn’t be surprising that some people have reflexes in their brains that keep them at home, at least when they’re younger, and some are born to go roving; genes are probably important and, in a Darwinian process, circumstances sometimes favor the survival of the stay-at-homes and sometimes the wanderers.
In any case, the fact that your son finds himself burdened and partially impaired by homesickness doesn’t mean he has failed or that he has to leave home, unless leaving home is really necessary, which it does not appear to be.
Instead of assuming that he needs to complete his studies at Homesickness U., ask him to consider the pros and cons of transferring to a local college by leading him through the risk/benefit analysis. Ask him to find out what transfers are possible and whether transferring will cost him any course credits or special opportunities.
Ignore his expression of disappointment and regret over how much better he could have done if he hadn’t gotten depressed; tell him that depression isn’t something you control and that it often happens in this situation. He’s been enrolled in Depression 101, a mandatory part of the Core Curriculum, and from your point of view, he’s done well with it.
Meanwhile, if it hasn’t happened already, ask you son whether therapy with a good, positive coach could help him fight the negative thoughts that depression puts in his head and whether, if it’s impairing his ability to learn, he should see a psychiatrist and try medication.
You’re sorry he had to go through this painful experience, but remind him and yourself that he went to college to learn, not necessarily to be happy, and you’re impressed that he’s learning a lot.
STATEMENT:
“I hate to see my son feel like a loser, but he’s done nothing to make himself depressed and he’s learning how to manage it. I’ll keep on coaching him through this experience.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 2, 2014
Breaking up with someone is a lot like breaking a bone; if it doesn’t set properly, the bone won’t really heal, so you’ll end up with a nagging pain unless you break it and set it again. With relationships, the way to set the break is to learn from it, but sometimes the pain of lost love prevents people from learning lessons, or worse, teaches them the wrong ones. So don’t let negative feelings frame the lessons you learn, or fail to learn, from breakups. Instead of looking at how your relationship failed, look at the relationship between the character of your ex-partner and the way things turned out. Then, as long as you’re ready to take your time and live lonely as long as necessary, you won’t have to deal with the same pain again.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m in my mid-thirties and on my third serious relationship living with a man. I’m good at being single, but like anyone, I get lonely sometimes and enjoy the positive things about being in a relationship. The trouble is, I re-energize when I’m alone in a relaxed environment (like at home), and if I don’t get that occasional time to myself it almost acts as a depressant and I start to feel cagey, stressed and grumpy, as if I’m losing myself. The men I get involved with seem to start out very independent with lots of interests, but after a while, once we move in with each other, they become very reliant on the relationship/my company. They don’t really end up having anything else going on, i.e., few friends and outside interests and a non-demanding/or no job. In my current relationship it’s got to the stage where I can’t even get an evening to myself a week. The ideal scenario would be for me to always have my own place and for my partner to have his, but that’s not financially realistic or a fair thing to expect. Am I unusual/weird in this need to be alone? I need to figure out how to not lose myself when the initial exciting, independent phase of a relationship evolves into something more routine and constant.
Loneliness is a good reason to get many things—a gym membership, a dog, a regrettable haircut—but a terrible reason to get a partner. That may not seem logical, but there is no room for logic in courtship, because all the space is taken up by irony.
What you’ve discovered about yourself, after three serious live-in relationships, is that you require someone who is stimulating and independent; otherwise, you wind up feeling smothered by your partner’s passivity and neediness. Unfortunately, when you’re looking for someone to settle down with, the needy often cut to the front of the line. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 22, 2014
The world of advertising has taught us that making good decisions, from choosing what car to buy to what gum to chew, requires a panel of experts; in the real world, however, four out of five friends or co-workers could agree on what’s best for you and still be extremely wrong. In reality, doing a careful, methodical evaluation often requires you to screen out distracting influences, whether they’re outside observers or inside antagonists. Then, no matter what you choose, you can unabashedly (or, in the case of advertising, literally) approve your message.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been dating a guy who’s ten years younger than I am, and I think we get along very well, but my friends have started calling me a cougar, and even though they’re joking around, it’s very embarrassing. I’m thirty-four and I’d like to get married so I’m not looking for an adventure, but neither is my boyfriend, which is part of why our relationship works. Still, I’m worried about what other people will think and how it might affect my boyfriend and hurt our relationship over time. I’m also worried that his feelings might change because he’s so young. My goal is to figure out whether I should continue this relationship.
When people warn against getting too swayed by appearances when searching for a partner, it’s easy to assume they’re just telling you to look for someone with more to offer than good looks. What they could also be saying, however, is that you need to stay focused on what’s important in a partner, no matter how your relationship appears to others.
In other words, don’t just go for a guy because he’s sexy, and don’t just dump a guy because your friends give you shit. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 11, 2014
Too often, people try to apply the koan about a tree in the woods to a mistake in their lives, i.e., if you’re fucking up but don’t acknowledge it, is it really your problem? Unfortunately, the answer isn’t just always yes, but yes, and how; avoiding a realistic look at something bad you might’ve done to someone else or yourself will often spare you the pain of immediate humiliation, guilt, or loss, but in the long run, it will cause much more. Instead of staying silent, make a sound/effort and examine the consequences and value of your actions. Then you’ll not only be able to take responsibility for your mistakes, but have some ability to make them right.
–Dr. Lastname
I have two daughters and I love my wife, so I was surprised when my older girl, who’s starting her second year of college, accused me of being sexist because of a joke I told her I liked. I admit that I don’t have a “PC” sense of humor, but I work with women I like and I’m sure they don’t think I’m sexist, so I told her she was being ridiculous, which just made her angrier. My wife then gave me a look that said she didn’t disagree with our daughter, so now I feel ambushed. My goal is to defend myself against an accusation I know is untrue from a bunch of females who are ganging up on me.
It hurts to be criticized by women who are important to you, and it makes sense that your instinct is to immediately defend yourself. The problem with a defensive reaction, however, especially when it comes to accusation of sexism, is that it reads as dismissive and patronizing. So if you think it hurts when two women you love call you sexist, imagine how those two women feel when you appear to prove them right.
You may know in your heart that you’d never treat women unfairly or target them, but plenty of people with good hearts can accidentally say and do bad things. The number one cause of offensive words and actions isn’t purposeful bigotry, but accidental ignorance; plenty of people say things that could be considered racist, but very few of them are dues-paying members of the KKK. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
