Posted by fxckfeelings on October 31, 2011
Every asshole is a pain in the ass, but not every pain in the ass is an asshole, and sometimes, a pain in the ass is better than the alternative. In other (less ass-centric) words, don’t write someone off without a fair evaluation, and don’t hang on to someone who’s all pain, no gain. Deciding that you’ve got your own reasons for putting up with pain is what shields you from humiliation, defeat, and, well, assholes.
–Dr. Lastname
I cannot accept the fact that my boyfriend looks at porn and it’s a specific kind (hentai and very tall women). For some reason, for it to be a certain type for some reason hurts me more. I grew up looking at porn and still do off and on, so I guess I am hypocritical about this whole situation. My therapist thinks I am madder at myself than him. He feels ashamed about it and said he will discontinue, but unfortunately, if he stops or not, I will still feel the same way which is not good enough for him. Am I a terrible person for having such double standards? I want to achieve self-worthiness, take things less seriously, and confront jealousy in a productive, less destructive manner, but my compulsive thoughts get the best of me. Your advice would be of great value to me.
I’m not sure which is likely to cause you more trouble: the impact of your boyfriend’s porn-watching on your feelings and the chemistry that holds your relationship together, or what his attachment to porn says about his character and ability to be a good partner.
In other words, he could be an asshole, or he could just like to look at animated ass. Figuring this out maybe be a very tall order (pun definitely intended). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 27, 2011
Intimate feelings should be a side-effect of relationships, not the other way around. When that intimacy becomes an end in itself, you forget, not just the other reasons why you’re spending time with someone, but the other things you need to be doing for yourself, your job, and the other people in your life. So the opposite of a strong attachment isn’t necessarily to break away, but to regain your sense of who you are and what you value the most, whether or not you’ve come down with a chronic partnership.
–Dr. Lastname
Approximately three years ago I realized my psychiatrist preferred other patients and liked other patients more than me. That realization was incredibly devastating to me. I want to deal with this reality, however, my psychiatrist keeps denying this is the reality and will not openly admit he does indeed prefer other patients. Part of me that hopes (wishes) this truly is not the reality (him preferring other patients) and I TRY to believe that what he says is the reality! However, I simply can’t believe him. I have told him I can’t believe something that I think isn’t true. Even though he has helped me immensely in many ways, and I’m extremely attached to him, I have lost trust, confidence and faith in my psychiatrist over this issue. I think he is preventing me from having the opportunity to deal with reality by denying he prefers other patients. I have a need to hear him say, “Yes I do prefer other patients and your observations/perceptions about this have been accurate.” I think if I hear him say these words I could actually work to deal with it. Since he’s obviously not prepared to say this, MY GOAL is to somehow “detach” from him, stop therapy with him and move on and forget about it.
When you do therapy right, a shrink is like a thesis advisor, helping you explore the toughest issues in your life until your work is complete.
If you lean on therapy too much, however (sometimes through no choice of your own), a shrink is a crutch, which makes deciding when and how to end therapy much more complicated. Remove the cast too early, and you still can’t walk on your own. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 24, 2011
We’ve talked before about the myth of “help;” how applying the mantra “you need help” to everyone and anyone with problems isn’t always the right thing, whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of this recommendation. After all, just because someone begs you to get help doesn’t mean that you need it, and just because someone begs you for help doesn’t mean it will do them any good or be worth it. Forget feelings of disloyalty, use your own judgment, and remember, most of the time, the most helpful response to people who want you to be involved in help-giving or help-taking is to let them know when help isn’t the answer.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a 22-year-old who is coming out of a pretty rough emotional patch. I got into a bad habit of leaning on a male friend, being a complete needy, co-dependent mess with a guy who is a pretty heavy drinker and, you guessed it, a needy, co-dependent mess. Well. Now I’ve sobered up and tried to develop some space between us, and he’s not taking it well. He drunk-dials me at least once a week, and leaves these crazy, rambling, needy voicemails. (I moved away a while back, and he keeps pushing me to make plans to meet up.) I basically want to cut him out of my life altogether, because I really think he’s bad for me. But he was there for me—albeit in a f*cked up way—when I was a mess. Does dropping him make me a bitch?
There are two sides to every sin; for example, murder is evil while manslaughter is just really unfortunate. The same is true for good deeds, and fidelity, while less deadly (hopefully), works much the same way.
There’s a bad kind of fidelity based on feelings and a good one based on what you think is right. The bad one is a gut-level sense of obligation you feel towards anyone you’ve shared a bed or bread or booze with, who cries out to you in need and expects you to respond. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 20, 2011
When a team under-performs—be it athletic, corporate, familial, or anything in between—it’s natural to feel they either needs a hug or a kick in the butt. In actuality, a good leader provides neither and both, reminding them of their strengths without taking responsibility for making them feel better, and showing them how they need to improve without blaming them for being what they’re not. You may not always get rewarded with a raise, a hug or a shower of Gatorade, but you will get results.
–Dr. Lastname
I think I’ve been very patient and restrained in responding to my 18-year-old daughter, who left college after her first month because she felt she wasn’t welcome there. It’s really not the college’s fault—they asked her to move off-campus because she violated dorm rules several times within her first 2 weeks there (she didn’t tell me how) and being kicked out of the dorms made her feel so rejected and upset that she packed her things and came home without trying to live off campus and without telling me first. She’s a good kid and needs my support now more than ever, so I’m trying to forget the $19K she flushed down the drain and help her think about what she’s going to do next. Do you agree that my goal is to be patient and not get into a fight with her?
It’s impossible to be an effective parent, or a leader of any kind, if you equate naming problems with hurting people. If you’re in charge and you’re not a little lonely, you’re not doing it right.
Admittedly, if you’re angry when you identify a problem and you express that anger, you will probably hurt the person you want to reach and the discussion will bog down in conflict and guilt. In that case, you’re not just unsupportive, but ineffective, and that’s a lose/lose.
Fortunately, however, you sound like you have a warm and accepting relationship with your daughter, and that your angry impulses are not about to seize control. Since you’re particularly well equipped to discuss her problem, perhaps the feeling you need to control isn’t anger, but guilt and false responsibility. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 17, 2011
When you’re trying to make things work with a difficult person (or one who’s acting difficult, at least for the time being), it’s normal to take on the role of making things easy; the more the protest, the more responsibility you take for smoothing things out. Unless you put strict limits on your responsibility, however, diplomacy will only make things worse. Know when it’s time to disagree and make it clear that if they aren’t willing to be less difficult, then contact may be impossible.
–Dr. Lastname
I know my wife was always ambivalent about having a child because, though we had a happy marriage, we were both in our late 30s and she liked her life the way it was, but now, 6 years later, her crabbiness is hard to take. She’s not abusive, and she likes our son now that he’s here, but she’s grumpy and complains a lot. When I dragged her into couples therapy she expressed her resentment and that made her a little better, but then she stopped going, and now I don’t know how to get her to get help. I really don’t like her grumbling—our son, who is basically a good kid, is also somewhat negative and throws hard-to-manage tantrums—but I can’t think of anything else to do but protect myself by backing away when one or the other of them gets nasty.
If anyone insists to you that communication is the most important part of a marriage, bring up this case, because a little less communicating on your wife’s part would go a long way. Especially since she’s communicating through whines.
Like most people who aren’t assholes, your wife is prone to whining when she’s tired and in the presence of family, particularly if it’s someone she can blame, i.e., a parent or spouse. She can stop if she has to and it’s better for everyone if she does.
Again, though, as for most people, the flow of whining is often hard to dam. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 13, 2011
We mock dogs for chasing their own tails, but people do the same thing everyday in their own heads; that’s what obsessions are like for those who sometimes know what they’re doing and wish they could stop, and sometimes just wish they could catch that tail. Some people can’t make up their minds, some can’t unmake them, but nobody can control those who are in obsession’s grasp. You can only stay calm and avoid argument while they mentally run in circles, chasing their own butts.
–Dr. Lastname
I have struggled and do struggle with mental illness. I am 29-years-old and live in my parent’s house with my 2-year-old. Although I have been in school and have worked a few jobs, I can’t seem to stay on one path once I’ve made a decision. I have a very difficult time making decisions, whether they are big decisions or small ones, and once I do finally make a decision I often drive myself crazy changing my mind a billion times. I break up with my boyfriend every few weeks because I’m doubting my decision of being with him, then I turn around and try to mend it because I’m doubting my decision about breaking up. I booked a trip and spent the whole two weeks prior wondering whether I should go, worrying about something bad possibly happening. I struggled right up until the morning of my flight, almost cancelling and not going to the airport 15 minutes before boarding time. This problem has contributed to ruining relationships in my life and I’m very tired of dealing with it. Why am I constantly plagued with indecisiveness and how can I cope?
Your were right the first time; what’s bothering you isn’t indecisiveness, it’s mental illness. That’s one of the many conclusions you don’t have to second guess.
It’s mental illness that makes you unthink everything you think; if it were indecisiveness, it would arise more from a wish to avoid decisions or uncertainty about what you want. Your problem seems more like a mental tic that obsesses you with doubts and alternatives every time you make a plan. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 10, 2011
Whether you feel you’re in the right or in the wrong, defining your moral position in terms of someone else’s feelings is going to get you lost. If you feel you’re in the wrong, you don’t have to win forgiveness to make it right. If you feel wronged, trying to get an apology will probably making the wronging worse. If you’re doing what’s right, it won’t matter how people respond; having confidence in carefully considered choices will keep you on course.
–Dr. Lastname
I was a terrible mother to my kids when they were younger—I yelled all the time and even hit them, and my husband had good reason to divorce me and allow nothing but occasional custody. Still, I love them dearly and I’ve always wanted to make amends; we’re all older now (they’re in their 20s), I’m a lot calmer after a lot of therapy to work through my anger issues. I’d do anything to help them, but one of them threatens to stop talking to me if I mention the fact that she drinks too much, and the other is polite but pretty distant. I feel I can’t get through to either of them because the mistakes of my past have ruined things forever. What can I do to mend our relationship?
I don’t doubt you want to help your kids, but that help comes with a high price– forgiveness for being an asshole when they were younger.
That was years ago, though, and you’ve continued to care for them and pay for them while learning to control your behavior (their being older probably helped). So before you ask how to get their forgiveness, ask what you have to do to forgive yourself. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 6, 2011
The process most humans have for defining our sense of right and wrong develops with time; it starts with determining whether or not our parents are mad at us, goes to roommates, and then spouses (and after that, the law). One part of the process that should extend from cradle to grave (but often doesn’t) is consulting your conscience before you declare guilt or innocence. Sometimes it will protect you from false guilt; other times, it will tell you that, regardless of your rationalization, you’re guilty as hell (better to realize on your own without the law’s help).
–Dr. Lastname
I always suspected that I was attracted to women more than to men, but I liked my husband, and we’ve been good companions for the past 20 years. It hurt him deeply, however, that I wasn’t interested in him sexually and finally, when he pressured me to tell him what was wrong, I told him I thought I might be gay. Now he feels I lied to him, that our marriage has been meaningless, and he wants a divorce. Our life together is over and I feel totally to blame, like I’ve let down my husband and betrayed our marriage. What can I say to make amends?
There’s one important step people sometimes forget to take before making amends– asking yourself what you’ve done wrong.
Obviously, your husband is hurt and he thinks you’re to blame, but, as we’ve said many times, that’s the whole point of marriage—having someone to blame. Real sin requires knowing that you have something to hide, and that doesn’t seem to be the case. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 3, 2011
When people are overbearing, the natural response is to overreact, either by submitting entirely to their will or coming back with the same level of aggression. While our instincts tell us to “fight or flight,” we have to overcome our core lizard brain, take a step back, and figure out our own plan and our own moral and ethical priorities. Then we can state opinions, invite rational discussion, and evolve past conflict altogether.
–Dr. Lastname
I appreciate my husband, I really do; he’s a hard-working, reliable partner and father. The problem is, he’s also a reliable pain in the ass. He’s so controlling about whether the kids are polite, or the living room is clean, or the food tastes good…he’s always giving us dirty looks or telling us how we should act, and then does everything himself, anyway, so it will turn out the way he wants. If I criticize him, he acts like an underappreciated martyr and won’t talk to us until I apologize, but I hate apologizing; it doesn’t fool him, and it makes me feel unfairly humiliated, dishonest, and angry. How do I manage his overbearing behavior without wanting to kill him?
In many ways, telling someone you’re sorry is more taxing than telling someone you love them. An apology might get you some peace and reduces tension in the family, but, unlike expressing love, it’s all give and no take. And in this case, you’re saying sorry when you really don’t give a shit.
So, on the one hand, you’re showing him you appreciate his hard work and understand his intentions are good (even if they drive him to be a jerk, thus avoiding a pointless fight, which is good for everyone involved.
The negative side, however, is that you force yourself to lie, reinforce his feeling of being a righteous martyr, and perpetuate the controlling behavior that drives everyone crazy in the first place. Essentially, the more you tell him “I’m sorry,” the sorrier you’re going to be in the long run. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 29, 2011
Whether you’re hustling for tips, laughs, or just a good impression, getting a positive response seems like your most important goal. Trouble is, it also makes you more sensitive to shame, rejection, and superficial judgment while robbing you of pride you might know you deserve. So enjoy the singles, applause, and/or second dates if they come, but the most positive response has to come from you.
–Dr. Lastname
I met (and fell for) my girlfriend when I first started doing comedy improv—she’s been doing it for years, so she taught me the basics—and I’ve been looking forward to performing together ever since. We’ve been getting along well as a couple, particularly since I understand and accept that she’s not very good at understanding and interacting with people, and that she can get brusque when she’s just preoccupied with her own ideas. I don’t take that stuff personally, but when she told me recently that she didn’t want to perform with me because my timing is off and it interferes with hers, I was hurt. After all, that’s not what our director or the audience seems to think—they think we’re funny together—but she obviously disrespected my abilities, after having been encouraging me for so long, and it really bothered me. I don’t know if there’s any point in wanting to be with her if she doesn’t respect my work.
Everyone talks about how crucial honesty is in relationships, but when you’re dating someone with a social palsy, you often get honesty in excess…which can often lead to a lack of wanting to talk to each other anymore.
Even though you know your girlfriend’s bad at censoring herself or her moods, you can’t help feeling hurt when the girl you love and respect, personally and professionally, tells you she doesn’t like your style. It’s especially baffling when she helped create your style in the first place.
Once you act hurt and retaliate, however, you’re provoking or criticizing someone who already has an ax to grind, and more disrespect is sure to follow. That’s how road rage ignites and Middle Eastern wars begin. Honesty is not the best policy. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
