Posted by fxckfeelings on July 2, 2012
Wishing someone will change is a lot like wishing you’ll get disgustingly wealthy or that your worst enemy will drop dead; it’s futile, not entirely healthy, and will leave you feeling like a jerk. If that person feels you don’t accept their personality, they usually get worse (and blame you), and if your needs are stronger than your sense of reality, you won’t be able to get over it and stop nagging. Either way, the change they’re most likely to make is leaving for to a new place far away from you, or, worse yet, staying in a state of perpetual resentment. Instead, see if you can get them to want to change. If they can’t, your job is to do the best with the limitations you’ve got (yours or the other guy’s), and either make it work or make a plan to move on (that doesn’t hinge on great wealth or homicide).
–Dr. Lastname
Is past behavior really the best way of predicting future behavior or can a leopard sometimes change its spots? I am aware that people mature, evolve, adapt, etc. but wonder if they can ever really overcome long-held behavior patterns such as dishonesty. Do we tend to revert to character by default setting whatever relationship or job we are in? My partner is kind and loving in many ways but his workaholism and difficult mother are starting to cause problems between us just as they did in his marriage whereas my ex appears to have improved without me. My goal is to learn from the past and avoid falling into the same old situations.
Instead of wasting time and avoiding hard truths by debating whether leopards can change their spots, look at your current particular leopard and ask yourself what he has done with his spots in their current, seemingly-permanent placement.
If the answer is unacceptable, you might search for a spot-removing/issue-solving specialist. You won’t find one with any real power to change much of anything, but at least the search will allow you to stall for a while and allow specialists like myself to pay the mortgage. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 28, 2012
While it’s never good to act on angry feelings, their ability to distort one’s perspective also make them one of the hardest feelings to ignore; after all, love is a strong emotion, but you don’t often see a large, hugging mob. For most people, the real risk in anger isn’t punching, but picking on those closest to you. So when you feel the rage building against someone you love and you know it’s not for the right reasons, don’t feel guilty (or even more angry), just stick to your usual rules for being a good spouse or parent, acting civil, and doing your job. Usually, anger will pass, clarity will return, and hugs won’t be necessary.
–Dr. Lastname
I truly love so many things about my husband, but I’m not happy with myself. I’m overweight, I have hormonal imbalances that I’m addressing with my physician, and I’m sluggish and moody at times, almost feeling like a depressive state. Lately, however I’ve been trying to get healthy physically and mentally by using diet and exercise, as well as engaging in life more (a tennis tournament with family and friends, walking with my teenager, and training for a 15K I’m running in the fall). While my husband says he supports me, and even wants to do the same, his actions are the opposite—he buys junk food, he works hard during the day but then plants himself in front of the TV all night. I’m beginning to feel disgusted and even resentful about his behavior. I know he’s a wonderful man, but I don’t know why I’m becoming so intolerant of his behavior, or even if I have the right to be upset. He is the same man, I’m the one that’s changing, so why am I so pissed off all the time? I just don’t know how to get back to some kind of friendship where I enjoy him like I used to, and it scares me. I love him so much, but I even find myself cringing sometimes to his touch. I just don’t know what caused this kind of shift in my thinking.
Nothing feels more personal than anger, but often, the opposite is true; although we feel angry at someone or feel their anger directed at us, anger often starts with a mood rather than an issue, and then targets innocent bystanders simply because they’re there.
What’s worse is that anger often elicits more anger, thus finding a way to feed on itself. You focus your anger on your husband’s faults (his lack of self-discipline), while feeling angry at him for making you angry, and then getting angrier when he gets angry at you for being unfair.
The sad fact is that sometimes you can’t stop angry feelings, regardless of how undeserved they are, how much pain they cause, or how much you address your issues with friends, loved ones, and therapists. Anger often just happens, particularly when there are hormones and depression involved. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 25, 2012
When you can’t get through to someone, it’s easier to feel like a war party than a concerned party, driven to conquer that someone’s mind by any means necessary. Sometimes the only mind you need to conquer is your own, because you can accomplish most of what you want without needing the agreement of others. Other times you have to endure the helplessness of watching someone self-destruct, knowing an attack from you will only make it worse. Your job isn’t to communicate when communication is impossible; it’s to make the best of the fact you can’t and take your forces elsewhere.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know why I can’t get my husband to stand up to his mother when she tries to take over our baby. Everyone in his family agrees that she’s very difficult. She drops by whenever she wants, has me wake our baby if she’s sleeping, and stays after we’ve told her that we’ve got to be going. After she leaves, I tell him she’s awful, and he tells me I’m mean to deprive her of the happiness that she gets from her granddaughter. I feel she’s taken over our lives and I’m ready to leave my husband, which is what I know my mother-in-law wants, because she’s said she doesn’t think our marriage will last. Help me get through to my husband.
If you’ve read this site before, then my simple answer should be familiar; the bad news is, you probably can’t get through to your husband, but the good news is, there’s no reason to get through to him in the first place.
As the mother of a baby, you probably have lots of reasons to create rules without having to first persuade your husband to agree or prove that his mother is a jerk. That’s fine, because, though your husband probably knows she’s a pain, you’re expressing feelings he feels guilty about having, so he gets to take that guilt out on you.
So, while it would certainly be nice for the two of you to be on the same page, you have enough confirmation that his mother is impossible to entitle you to come up with your own plan for dealing with her. Coming up with good rules for protecting your peace and privacy is a lot easier than asking your husband to turn on his own mama. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 21, 2012
Bad luck is like a bad smell; sometimes, it just surrounds you, meaning that you’re doing everything right but, due to an uncontrollable curse, everything’s going wrong. Then there are the special few for whom bad luck is generated internally, meaning that your brain is permanently decision-intolerant, and trying to do the right thing usually goes wrong. Either way, you’re stuck with your stink, and you’re going to get blamed unless you and others are brave enough, and realistic enough, to accept the hard-to-tolerate helplessness of having no control. If you can do that, however, you’re ready to appreciate the beautiful things you’re doing with an ugly aroma, whatever dealt it.
–Dr. Lastname
Turning 50 next year, my beard is turning gray, still alone and most importantly, no fuck-buddy! I’m saying I’m on a self imposed ‘sabbatical,’ upgrading and learning new skills, but in reality, well – this economy! But seriously, no work AND anxiety (a left over from when I was assaulted), all-new discovery of depression (as a result of recent diagnosis of Hypothyroidism or a direct result of job loss, who knows?), loss of retaining and maintaining friendships/relationships led to well, being in the space of loneliness – a lonely extrovert is so oxymoronic, I can’t stand it! Currently trying to financially survive on a sure-footed, tight-roped budget thanks to one of the four insurances that did pan out…still, sore about playing by the rules and getting shafted big time anyways and yet, retaining focus on how to get up from the shutdowns and the rapid changes that occurred in a shorter-than-2-year period. My goal is to capture original harmony and yet live in the now, which includes living an even more healthy and play-safe lifestyle along with meaningful work, having an intimate inner circle of friends and have a honeybun(s) in my life. That’s the life I am cultivating – the only thing is how the fuck do I kick-start the process to get there? Can you help me?
Sadly, Dr. Lastname has never figured out the secret to happiness (or put too much value on it), and besides, the real secret of those secrets is mostly that the short-term happiness they bring will be followed by a long period of not-happiness, much like the one you’re struggling to get out of.
On the other hand, we have figured out the secret to pride, which is really what this is about; women may make you happy, but confidence and pride will get you women. So, in order to get laid, you have to think about why your misfortune has laid you so low. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 18, 2012
Macho sports-types like to say that failure is not an option, and in a totally not-macho way, they’re absolutely right. After all, we all have different definitions of success, and while individual skill is a factor, so are luck, fate, and a mess of other circumstances that we can’t control and/or overcome completely. So if you can’t meet certain expectations or fix pressing problems, the good news is, failure is not an option; if you do your best with whatever it is you actually control, judging for yourself what that is, you can never lose.
–Dr. Lastname
At this point in my life I’m not sure in which direction to turn. I am a 37-year-old female going through a divorce, had to move back home and just failed nursing school by just a few points in my final semester. I was so devastated about failing nursing school that I basically fell off the grid for a while. Many of my peers feel as though the school was unfair and are encouraging me to fight this, and I have hired attorneys who have sent letters to the school and are now talking about litigation. All of this is starting to become so overwhelming that I feel like I am starting to spin into a deep depression again. It is so hard to watch everyone around me succeed and pass me by in life. My question is this, should I go on with fighting the school and sink more time and energy into something I’m uncertain of? Or should I just throw in the towel and try something else. I am so conflicted and would love just a no nonsense straight answer without all the fluff. Any insight would be so appreciated.
People feel like failures when they fall behind the achievements of their over-achieving peers, but, by the age of 37, you’ve earned the right to define your progress, or lack of it, in your own terms, regardless of what your school thinks.
Of course you hate to watch your friends pass you by, but don’t ask yourself why you’re not keeping up with them. Instead, ask why you’re wasting time comparing yourself to them instead of asking yourself where you stand according to your own standards, and what you want to do next. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 7, 2012
It’s hard to feel independent when you’re feeling, or acting, needy, and it’s hard to be in a state of neediness without feeling like a jerk. Unfortunately, life often gives you needs that can’t be helped, so being dependent on others from time to time doesn’t make you a jerk, just human. True independence is not a matter of denying your needs or keeping imports and exports equal (though that would be nice); it’s a matter of putting your values first and acknowledging it. That way, even if you aren’t making enough money, or giving or taking an equal share, you’re making good choices.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-wife just isn’t competent to do child care, work, or much of anything, so I’ve been the single parent for my two kids and I’m proud of the job I’ve done. The only hitch is that I wouldn’t have been able to bring them up in our nice house and send them to good schools if it weren’t for my parents’ support; I’ve done a good job at everything except getting a good job. Recently, I trained up for a sales job, but now it’s clear that I’m no good at it, so now l’ll need to ask my parents for more money, and I can’t imagine how I’m going to do it. My goal is to stop being so dependent on my parents to survive.
Economic independence is a good feeling, but if it was the most important measure of a person’s worth then the most admirable person on earth would be Donald Trump (and even he had some help from dad). That’s a vision even the staunchest capitalist could not abide.
The fact is, economic independence is another of those feel-good outcomes that we influence but never fully control, so there are many reasons why good people don’t have it or come to lose it. That wouldn’t be true in a fair and perfect world, but it’s certainly true in this one. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 4, 2012
When people argue about medical self-care, be it with family or just with themselves, their feelings are often masquerading as reason. After all, emotions make decisions fraught and complicated, while reason tells you that you can never control your health, just make choices that have costs and probabilities. If you face those costs and probabilities with courage, you need never defend your decisions, regardless of their outcome. It’s natural to worry, but it’s useless to let worrying dictate what you do and don’t do with your health.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband and I have a great marriage, but there’s one issue we seldom agree on, and it’s irritating as well as worrisome. Whenever I decide to get medical advice about a problem, like back pain or anxiety, he suggests I’d do better by sucking it up and staying away from doctors and medicine, which is the way things were done in his family. I, on the other hand, believe you owe it to yourself to get good medical advice and that getting treatment is the way you take good care of yourself. I don’t like his disrespect for my opinion or his lack of sympathy when I’m clearly suffering. My goal is to get him to at least respect my point of view.
It’s natural to emotionalize health care decisions in terms of fear because that’s how we often make them: when we’re worried enough, we see a doctor.
Trouble is, worry can as easily drive you to avoid as to overuse medical care and can also embroil you in endless debates with family members whose worry style is a little different from your own. And there are many styles to choose from. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 31, 2012
The helplessness of trying to help troubled kids often brings out the fighting spirit in those who care the most. Unfortunately, without a clear enemy from which you can rescue your child, you often fight for goals that can’t happen, target other would-be helpers, and make a bad thing worse. Regardless of how helpless you feel, your goal isn’t to save troubled children from a monster or a mental illness; it’s to find out if there’s something you can do that will actually help while avoiding direct emotional conflict. Not fighting won’t relieve your helplessness, but it will let you work towards something better.
-http://www.fxckfeelings.com/ask-for-help/
My ex-wife, who is a therapist, is spooking me out about our son, whom she says she’s treating for a variety of serious problems. He’s now 10, and he’ll tell me one day, when I’ve got visitation, that he’s having suicidal thoughts, using grown-up phrases that make me think he’s just repeating something he got out of a book or from TV. Then she’ll keep him home from school and stop visitation for a couple weeks while she does “therapy” with him, at the end of which time she’ll declare that the problem is solved. A few weeks later, he won’t show up and she tells me she’s keeping him home for treatment because he’s having “panic attacks.” My kid needs help and I can’t believe her treatment is doing any good. Meanwhile, he’s not getting help from anyone else, especially not the staff of his school, who are eager to help but never see him enough (they’re already bending over backwards to keep him from repeating this year and are trying to avoid reporting him for truancy, given the number of school days he’s missed). My goal is to get my son the help he needs.
It’s hard not to unleash your wrath when your ex-wife’s insistence on playing doctor blocks the real doctor from getting through. Your own child is in trouble, your ex’s behavior is troubling, and you’re this close to tearing her a new one.
Remember, however, that nuclear wars between protective caregivers are costly and often harm the one you most want to rescue; by fighting against your ex-wife’s treatment, you’d just be increasing her blast range.
The first thing to do then is to consider the alternatives while taking comfort in the fact that there’s a great deal you can learn about your child’s problems, and a great deal you can do to help. But it’ll only work if you take things one at a time instead of taking your wife down. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2012
Earlier this week, relationships were compared to bodies—both can withstand some damage while staying healthy—and now it’s time to look at them as cars. After all, some relationships look terrible from the outside but run without a problem, while others have an envious appearance but are internally falling apart. Instead of rating your relationship on how its general appearance makes you feel, determine what you’re in the relationship for and if you were able to do your part, given the two unchangeable characters involved. Then, whether or not you fight or feel close to your partner, you can respect yourself and decide what course, even if it’s full of curves, is more worthwhile.
–Dr. Lastname
Please note: there will be no new post on Monday due to the holiday weekend. If we don’t take a day off, we’ll go nuts.
My marriage was a mismatch all along but lasted 30 years and produced 3 kids, now adult. We were young, he weak and immature, me insecure and needy after being abused and rejected as a kid. He provided and did his duty but was emotionally distant and rarely intimate with me. I had anger for both of us and acted as scapegoat for all the people who walked over him. He had an affair 20 years ago and I went crazy with anger and grief but I stayed dependent on him. Sex stopped years ago and he was tolerant of me seeing other men but still I hoped the marriage could be fixed. He left 3 years ago, bought a motorcycle, etc., but insisted he did not want divorce. He started seeing a co-worker but I only learned he had been involved with her for years when she confronted him at my home and made a huge scene about all his lying. He behaved weakly and ran away. He is still involved with this woman but does not live with her and has not started a divorce. The money remains joint. I have another man, a part time job, and my family but still harbor a vague hope that the marriage can somehow be fixed and made good. My goal is to accept reality and move from a state of limbo into letting go of a marriage which was co-dependent and unhealthy for decades.
Your marriage accomplished many of the goals that mattered most to you, your husband, and all those who approach marriage pragmatically. Most people would hope for their mismatches to be so lucky. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 21, 2012
A healthy marriage is a lot like a healthy person; one can have nagging injuries and superficial imperfections, but if there are no major malfunctions, consider yourself fit. Your partner may make a good spouse despite a roving eye, or your partner may admit that his/her version of perfect love is actually deeply flawed, revealing that your healthy marriage has actually had a malignant tumor the whole time. If you want a love that lasts, find out all you can about what your candidate has always been like as a partner before you tie the knot. Then, even if your relationship is occasionally under the weather, it still has the stuff for a long life.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t want to get hurt again by my wife’s infidelities. We’ve been married for 30 years and she’s been a good mother to our kids and a hard worker, but every few years she gets over-involved with someone she’s working with or meets socially, and crosses the line, and then she’s immediately very sorry. Last time she did it, it took me a year of therapy to get over the pain and start to trust her again. Now I see signs that it’s happening again, and I just want to withdraw and spare myself the hurt of another episode. My goal is not to be repeatedly humiliated and angry.
Of course you never want to feel humiliated or betrayed by your spouse, and her behavior definitely violates your wedding vows (or at least the implied vow to keep it in your pants).
On the other hand, people have their weaknesses, which means bad behaviors that they don’t recognize or control or both. The bottom line for you then is not how much you’re hurting, but whether the value of your partnership outweighs your hurt. It’s the Carmella Soprano/First Lady conundrum. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
