Posted by fxckfeelings on October 4, 2018
Like our reader from earlier, you may never be able to stop the nagging voice in your head that craves closure from an ex after a bad breakup. What you can do, however, is follow these five steps to give yourself a kind of closure, or at least an education. It might not be the exact thing that the voice is begging for, but it is something the rest of you can benefit from.
1) Catch Up On What Closure Means
Despite what the pesky voice in your brain might insist, closure isn’t about getting reassurance from someone you care about that you’re OK and not at fault. It certainly isn’t what most people secretly want it to be, which is a chance to stay in contact with someone you may still have strong feelings for or even an opportunity to argue your case for getting back together. Closure, in so far as it exists, is a self-assessment you can do yourself to figure out what went wrong so you can avoid making the same mistakes, or falling for the same mistake-prone person. Involving the other person in your closure process isn’t just unnecessary, it’s unhealthy, because it makes his judgment more important than yours when it’s your own authority you should be heeding. Overall, closure is not the reassuring feeling your brain craves, just the act of doing what’s right to help you move on.
2) Solidify Your Standards
Begin your self-assessment, not by focusing on the forensics of your recent breakup, but by thinking objectively about what you think makes a good relationship and what qualities you think a good partner should possess. For example: someone who can keep his promises while not promising more than he’s ready to deliver, does his share, tries hard to be a good person and friend, i.e., someone who cares enough to put up with a reasonable amount of shit without too much complaining. Try to prioritize those qualities over more trivial ones, like looks, swagger, hairline, etc.
3) Make Sure You Measure Up
Once you’ve figured out your relationship standards, use them to judge whether he or you fucked up, or whether you both made a good try but it just didn’t work. For example, if he dumped you without warning, or even after acting very, very positively, you have a right to wonder whether he cares about the right things and is straight about his commitments (and whether your screening procedures need improvement). On the other hand, if you check with your friends and they think you treated him badly, then that’s something to work on. At no point in this process do you need to get his views or get him to agree with your views, just to come to a judgment of your own and stick with it.
4) Make Plans For Improvement
If he was a jerk and you should have seen it, don’t waste time blaming yourself for your own stupidity. Beating yourself up is a useless exercise while building up your aforementioned screening proceedures is a useful one that can protect you from future heartbreak. For example, if you want to avoid being taken by another self-centered user, force yourself to ask future prospective partners more questions about prior relationships or pay more attention to how he handles money and responsibilities. On the other hand, if you were a jerk to him and didn’t realize it, work with a therapist or a 12 step group on managing your shortcomings. In any case, after deciding what went wrong and what needs improvement, prepare to close the case.
5) Refuse Your Urges And Reassure Yourself
Whatever his faults or yours, or the absence of any fault, your evaluation is now finished, as is your excuse for wanting to reach out to your ex. Pushing yourself for approval from or agreement with him isn’t just an unnecessary thing to do, but a cruel thing to do to yourself, so of course you should stop it. Of course, the voice in your head will likely continue to pester you for the (nonexistent) type of closure that only he can provide, but at least now you can talk back to that voice using the results of your own closure search. You can also distract yourself from that voice, and from other urges to reconnect with your ex, by spending more time with friends, diving into work and hobbies, and/or using your new knowledge to rededicate yourself to finding a new relationship that’s much less likely to make you this crazy again.
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 5, 2018
As our reader from earlier can attest to, the “Seven Year Itch” in marriage doesn’t really keep to a schedule, nor can it be easy to ignore, no matter how solid, smooth, and not-irritating your union has been up to that point. As with any itch, however, there are dangers to actually scratching it, especially in excess, like drawing blood and causing permanent damage that will do nothing to prevent a similar itch in the future. So instead, scratch satisfaction off your list and use these five ways to manage an emotional itch instead.
1) Identify Your Most Important Personal Goals, Independent of Itching
If you value independence and being a good parent and partner, you know how much you need to work at a job, not just for personal satisfaction but, more often, in spite of personal dissatisfaction, because you need the money for survival, security, and helping your children. Your partnership, which is also work, has a similar purpose; you stick with it because of how it contributes to your life and the life of your family, in addition to, or despite, how much it does or doesn’t satisfy your needs for fun and intimacy. That’s why you have to remember all your needs and values when the urge to cheat strikes, not just the ones that promise you happiness and satisfaction when you’re lonely or bored.
2) Dedicate Yourself To/Distract Yourself With These Goals
Build a busy schedule around relevant activities that contribute directly to achieving your big picture goals. That includes time for work and doing your best to provide for your family, but also a large amount of time for your kids, not just in terms of having fun with them but also caring for them and getting them to and from their activities. And of course, you also need to schedule time to nurture your marriage as well as your individual wellbeing, by maintaining friendships and getting exercise. With all that going on, you should be too tired at end of the day to get hung up on being lonely, bored or easily distracted by old flames.
3) Find a Friend or Coach Who Can Make Urge Management Easier
Dwelling on your lost love, wandering eye or or trying to understand the reasoning or motivations behind either will just make your urges worse and keep your old flame/new interests alive. Instead, look for coaching from a friend or professional, like a therapist or life coach, who can help you distract yourself from feelings that won’t go away any time soon by reinforcing your reasons and values for not satisfying them.
4) Teach Yourself To Identify Triggers
It may not be worth trying to understand why you feel a certain way, but it is helpful to note exactly when and how you do. By keeping a diary of when and how intensely you’re haunted by feelings of loss and identify, you’ll learn what events, places, and general circumstances trigger these feelings and are thus best avoided, if possible. Even if you notice that the feelings hit you when you’re tired or bored or irritated with your spouse, you’ll get better at seeing them as a side effect of exhaustion and not something to be taken seriously. Either way, note the patterns, if any, and remind yourself, with the help of a therapist or coach, that your feelings go away and don’t require you to act on them.
5) Regularly Remind Yourself Of Your Success
At the end of the day, don’t measure how you’re doing at dealing with and managing urges by how happy you are or how well you’ve eliminated feelings of loss or yearning. Instead, take time to view your day in the context of what you’re trying to accomplish and how hard you’re working towards it, whether or not it makes you happy, and give yourself credit when it’s deserved. Indeed, when you’re tired, bored, and somewhat lovesick but still manage to reach your goals and act like a good parent and friend, you’ve been more successful than you can imagine, whether or not you can appreciate it.
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 19, 2018
If, like our reader from a previous post, you’re feeling lost after losing a long-term relationship, don’t let the urge to sulk and self-flagellate prevent you from doing a smart, objective romantic post-mortem. After all, every bad break up is an opportunity to learn good lessons about what went wrong, so as a cheat sheet for your relationship evaluation, here are five unhealthy things that people are all-too-often attracted to; learning how to recognize your weaknesses is the only way to get stronger, smarter, and less likely to ever be this miserable again.
1) Attracted to Unavailability
Groucho Marx famously said he didn’t want to join any club that would have him as a member, but when it comes to relationships, most people feel the inverse; they only want to be with people who don’t seem to want them around. This may be due to deep-seated, unhealthy levels of insecurity and self-loathing, i.e., the feeling that, if someone loves you and is eager to spend time with you, there must be something wrong with them. So check to see if you tend to pursue those who keep their distance while avoiding those who show interest and seek your company. If you do, it’s worth taking time to get to like yourself a little more before finding someone else to love.
2) Cool with Constant Criticism
If you’re a perfectionist who is often self-critical or just been raised by a family of critics, you may find yourself attracted to people who also love picking you apart. As long as they aren’t also mean and unloving, that’s fine, but that’s rarely the case. Ask yourself if past partners have been cold and good at put-downs; if they have, beware seeking the company of critical people and get to work on finding ways to be kinder to yourself. Raise your standards for how you treat yourself and you’ll automatically raise the standards for how you expect to be treated by others.
3) You Find Slackers Sexy
You may be the kind of hard worker who’s drawn to partners who generally give making an effort a hard pass. Perhaps you’re drawn to the appreciative-yet-aimless because they make you feel useful and strong by comparison, but their inability to share your work ethic, along with a willingness to let things go to pot when you’re unavailable, will eventually make you nuts. So if you find that you have an unwise tendency to love the lazy, make an extra effort to try finding a partner with a job, a goal, or just an aversion to spending too much time on the couch.
4) The Need To Nightingale
Too many people are attracted to the damaged and wounded, likely because they get an extra good feeling from having someone they can’t just love but also rescue and take care of. This attraction may come from taking care of someone while growing up who was wounded, or from feeling wounded themselves. For whatever reason, helping the helpless is a hopeless situation; if they get better, you’ll resent feeling useless, and if they don’t, you may still eventually become disappointed by your partner’s persisting disabilities. If it becomes clear that a larger-than-expected number of your exes were the walking wounded, find a smart way to channel your nurturing instincts, like through volunteering, or adopting a one-legged cat, so you can find a partner who doesn’t require them.
5) Drawn to Drama
While it would be nice if everybody were happy to get their drama fix through tabloids, pro wrestling, or the Bravo network, too many of us enjoy and invite drama into our everyday lives. Lots of us are attracted to the kind of people who can turn real life into an episode of Real Housewives; the crazy, angry, and altogether dramatic who initially provide a lot of fun, excitement and passion (that eventually becomes exhausting and even scary). So if you tend to bypass boring people and seek out “big personalities,” it’s time to stop seeing drama as a draw and start recognizing it as a red flag.
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 5, 2018
Given the choice, most people prefer to hold the stars, a deity, or their own shortcomings responsible for the pain in their lives rather than accept the existence and power of pure bad luck. And while no one can definitively argue that horoscopes and gods aren’t worth believing, it’s objectively true that assuming responsibility for and blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life, especially where relationships are involved, is a total waste of time. Sure, you can learn how to avoid bad partners, but you can’t control whether you’ll ever find or keep a good one, and some people just aren’t lucky that way. So if you turn out to be unlucky in love and heartbroken, don’t waste time cursing your sign, your lord, and especially not yourself; refocus your energy on what you do control, the kind of life you want to live, and the ways you can achieve that life on your own, regardless of whose company you’re blessed with or what crap the universe throws at you next.
-Dr. Lastname
I’ve been in and out of a relationship with the same married man for 17 years. I’m ashamed of the stupidity of it all, including moving hundreds of miles to be closer to him. I broke it off again a few months ago and he seems fine, but I’m not. We are not in communication and it continues to hurt, but I’m determined not to ever allow him back in my life. I honestly don’t trust myself though if the opportunity presents itself. I’ve been divorced for 24 years and living and working on my own, but I feel addicted to this man and have no idea how not to be. My goal is to finally end things for good and find a way to move on.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 1, 2018
If your unhappy marriage is on life support, it can still be hard to pull the plug, especially when, like our reader who recently wrote in, you and your spouse have spent most of your lives together. That’s when you have to ask yourself what you expect from a spouse, and from yourself, to make a marriage worthwhile. Here are five major ways partners can contribute to each other’s lives and the life they share. If you find that you’re doing much less than your partner, you had better reinvest in the marriage or prepare for its end; if it’s the other way around, it’s time to let your marriage end and the rest of your life begin.
1) Financial Function
Money isn’t everything, but it counts for a lot, particularly if you find yourself paying more than your share of essential family expenses, like food, shelter, or, God forbid, bail. Of course, you may substitute childcare and household management as your contribution instead of earnings. But whether you’re investigating a marriage, the Baltimore drug trade, or a presidential election, the key is always to follow the money; that will give you a good measure of whether you or your spouse has paid a full share.
2) Putting in Parenting Time
Never equate sporadic “helping out” with the kids to taking primary responsibility for their feeding, homework, rides to soccer practice, etc. Yes, you should give yourself credit for the time you put into playing with your children, but make sure to give more credit to whoever worries about what’s in the fridge, when the dentist appointments are, and how to drop everything when school is cancelled or your child is ill. If you or your spouse can’t be relied upon to contribute more than occasional participation in your kids’ lives, then you can cross their importance as a parent off your value-added checklist.
3) Relationship Reminders
By their nature, long term partnerships get worn down by fatigue and our tendency to put out everyday fires, resent our spouses for whatever help we wanted and didn’t get, and then, exhausted by both the fires and the resentment, fall asleep. So a big part of the partnership job description is to invest, periodically, in a good relationship by making time to be together and find activities you both enjoy. If one or both of you can’t make that investment, you’ll become so overwhelmed with resentment that you’ll forget what you ever liked about each other in the first place. So if your partner can’t or won’t agree to make that investment, then your marriage may no longer have the strength to survive.
4) Intermittent Intimacy
While sex often becomes less important over the course of a marriage (or just over the course of one’s life), it’s not unusual for one partner to have stronger needs and then to feel ignored and unattractive if his or her spouse starts to avoid intimacy or doesn’t try to make something happen. So, for the one who is not that interested in sex anymore and has a partner who still is, making an effort to give pleasure is an important contribution, even if it means lying back and thinking of England. Not being willing to make a small physical sacrifice or to ask your partner to make one on your behalf, is a sign that caring and commitment are lacking. If you can’t change your feelings or your partner’s willingness to take one for the team, then it may be time to call the game.
5) Consider Complaints
As we always say, the real reason for getting married is always having someone to blame. An important part of any job, not just that of a spouse, is to be responsive to complaints. And while that doesn’t mean you have to agree with them or take responsibility for causing them, you do have to pay attention to them, examine their validity, and decide what, if anything, you can do to take remedial action. If you care about your spouse, you think hard about their grievances and determine whether you can improve what you do. In any case, try to negotiate differences without avoiding them or allowing them to trigger anger or avoidance. If, on the other hand, one of you doesn’t care enough to respond to complaints or manage them diplomatically, then that person isn’t doing the work required to manage basic marriage problems, and now those problems, and the future of your marriage, are beyond your control.
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 15, 2018
Usually, when you’re talking about anything from cakes to windows and printers, smashing something apart is a lot easier than putting it together, but the opposite is true when it comes to marriage. It’s not only difficult and painful to divide your shared resources and responsibilities, be they finances or kids, but it’s also hard to face the humiliation, conflict, and loss that comes with giving up on a massive commitment. That’s why, as bad as your marriage may be, you may still look for any reason to avoid splitting your marriage—and life, and possibly sanity—apart. Regardless of habit, commitment, and belief, however, you must be ready to ask yourself, in an objective way, whether your partner is really as married to you as you are to them and whether there’s anything positive you can do about an imbalance, if it exists. Never doubt that there is a way to be objective about this issue and that, even if the answer to both questions is no, there’s a positive way forward through the very negative separation process.
-Dr. Lastname
My marriage has been pretty shitty over the past few years— sex has pretty much stopped and my wife’s been either hostile towards me or withdrawn. She went travelling on her own in January, so I decided to take dance lessons when she was gone (I’ve danced for a while, but decided to get better at it). When my wife returned, she demanded I quit the lessons immediately. I said no, as I had signed up for the month, so she then moved out of our bedroom, stopped eating or socializing with me. A couple of months later she separated her finances, than went away three more times for a total of three months. Early September she told me she wanted to sell our house, and if I didn’t sign to sell she would sic her lawyer on me, so I signed and the house sold right away. We then saw a couples’ counselor (she had been seeing her own therapist) who told us to live apart and date with no sex between us, so we bought separate places and move in another month. I’m willing to go along with it and try to make things work for financial reasons, but our recent past has been so filled with arguing, recriminations, etc. that I’m not sure it’s worth it. My goal is to figure out whether I should give up on this marriage (after over 40 years) or go along with the couples’ counselor’s advice and try to save it.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 26, 2017
Very rational, even tempered guys can be attractive in their own way, particularly after you’ve been put through the ringer by emotional, indecisive man-boys who make impulsive, irrational decisions (like picking fights/cheating or breaking up with you). A rational style, however, does not necessarily guarantee that they’re better at managing their emotions or acting more decently than their less moody brethren. That’s why you need to learn to evaluate a rational guy’s ability to be a good guy before you decide whether he’s truly good for you.
-Dr. Lastname
My kid’s dad used to say that he wanted to be Data from Star Trek as a kid because Data didn’t have feelings, so he changed his personality to one that wasn’t “ruled by emotions.” Instead of becoming wise and patient, however, he’s morphed into a complete narcissist. He might not show emotion, but he seems fueled by anger and selfish impulses; he doesn’t get angry, just calmly denies he’s done anything wrong, which is less like Star Trek and more like Gaslight. He’s become a totally unempathetic, perpetual victim. My goal is to figure out if there’s a way to un-Data him or if he’s just beyond hope.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 24, 2017
If, like our reader from earlier, your best efforts to find someone to be friends with, let alone date, are constantly fruitless, it can be hard to deal with both loneliness and the desperation that comes with it. So, instead of letting loneliness push you to lower your standards and reach out to the wrong people, let yourself embrace being alone a bit more. While you keep searching for connections, here are five ways to like being alone so you can’t be spooked by being lonely in the meantime.
1) Seek Out Activities You Can Enjoy Solo…
Take up hobbies that you can enjoy alone or in groups, like crafting, gardening, or running. If it makes you stronger, wiser, or richer on Etsy, so much the better, but the main goal, after getting used to your new hobby, is to actually like it and look forward to it. What you’re after is not a Fortress of Solitude but a well-stocked zone in your house, well-tilled corner of the back-yard, and well-established running path where you look forward to spending time of your own and/or with some other people who enjoy the same yarn/plants/stride lengths that you do.
2) …While Soaking In Activities You Can Enjoy Solo
As smart as it is to find solo activities that can also be done in groups, it’s also worth pushing yourself to try things alone that you’re used to doing with others; from going to the movies alone to driving cross-country by yourself, take on tasks that you might be wary of doing without a partner in crime. By doing so, you’ll gain a sense of independence that will help you overcome the fear of loneliness and teach you to enjoy your own company. Plus, you will often find that people are more eager to chat with you when you’re by yourself and the best adventures are more likely to happen when you’re not part of a couple or crowd.
3) Volunteer Your Time
You may think that being alone is pathetic, but there’s nothing less pathetic than contributing your otherwise solo time to a good cause, like teaching or caring for others. Even if you don’t meet like-minded people, you’ll feel useful, not just social, and build meaningful relationships with those you help. If they happen to be people in your community, you can stay in touch over many years, but if they’re not you can learn about other cultures and widen your view of the world. In any case, you’ll start to see your non-working, not-friend-filled time as a gift, not a burden.
4) Get A Damn Dog
Cats may be fine pets (for some people, who aren’t the authors), but they tend to encourage anti-social, house-bound behavior; even if you force your cat to go out for walks, most people are keen to avoid someone with a pissed off cat on a leash. Dogs, on the other hand, aren’t just loyal in-house companions; walking them forces you to be active and, if you live near a dog park, even social, although they also allow you to talk to yourself in public without seeming crazy. Most importantly, they oblige you to think about the needs of others (particularly when it comes to their need to eat, poop, not eat something that will make them sick and poop way too much, etc.), which is really what having a family, or any loving relationship, is all about.
5) Never Stop Looking For A Better Match
Just because you’ve learned to love your own company doesn’t mean you should then give up on finding someone who appreciates it as much as you do. For many people, finding worthwhile friends doesn’t result from trying to be more friendly or sociable; in most cases, there was nothing wrong with their social approach in the first place, but, for lots of reasons beyond their control, there was something wrong with the ability of their personality to mesh well with the people who happened to be around them. If you can pursue your own path until you finally meet a person or group that is a good match for you, and then enjoy, then you won’t need to fear loneliness while finding your own kind of fulfillment.
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 27, 2017
If, like our reader from earlier, you can’t get over a crush, even if you could prevent yourself from acting on it, it’s important to remind yourself why your brain told you it wasn’t worth it, even as your heart tries to convince you otherwise. As such, here are five soothing questions to consider when you’re consumed with longing you can’t get over.
1) Does your current partnership suffice when it comes to survival?
Unless you’ve got a big trust fund, invented an app of the gods, or have any in with the Russian government, financial survival isn’t something to take for granted in this world, particularly after starting a family. That’s why, as a good way to counter reveries about missed intimacy, it’s worth considering what your current partner has contributed to the important stuff, i.e., not to your emotional satisfaction, but to your shared ability to stay solvent. Think about total income, yearly savings, and having enough funds to safely support your family in terms of childcare and when someone’s out of work or sick. Knowing that your partner contributes financially may not make you feel fuzzy about him again, but it will make clear how important he is in your life, and how valuable your partnership is in your family’s life overall.
2) How does your current partnership help you reach higher goals?
As corny as it sounds, and no matter how many people tell you true meaning is found in being rich, thin, and/or YouTube famous, doing good in the world is the best way to make life meaningful, so finding a partnership that helps you to be a better person and parent is a major goal. Ask yourself then whether you have a partner who helps keep your dark side in check, encourages your better side, and gives you the freedom to realize your most significant ideals. Intimacy is nice, but feeling you’re making an important, positive difference matters a lot more overall.
3) Are you particularly vulnerable to falling for faulty partners?
Whenever you find yourself really enjoying someone’s company, it’s worthwhile doing a mental inventory and asking yourself what you really enjoy about this person and whether you tend to like spending time with/fall for people who aren’t good for you. It’s a common problem because the people who are best at connecting are often filterless; that means they can draw you in by saying everything, from the most revealing, kind things to the nastiest, empassioned words that you’re thinking but would be too embarrassed to ever say outloud. And while someone like that can be exciting to be around at first, they can also prove to be unreliable and hurtful in the long run. So go over prior relationships to see if this person reminds you of anyone you felt close to in the past, why you felt close to them, how long those relationships lasted, and whether you’d want to put yourself through something similar again.
4) How would changing partners at this stage change your life?
The most obvious way to talk yourself off the ledge of longing is to add up everything you’ve built together with your current partner, like the kids’ confidence in your ability to work as a team, your joint friendships, your shared memories, and positive connections with one another’s families. This is not an exercise in taking pride in what you’ve accomplished in your marriage, though it’s fine if you do; rather, it’s a way to prevent yourself from taking your partnership for granted by remembering the good things you’ve created and that you’d miss if you gave them up by giving into your longing for someone else.
5) Is your crush even up to snuff?
If your new prospect is still worth thinking about, then give him the full due diligence exam that you would apply to any possible partner, especially in terms of the standards your current partner has set. As such, begin by thinking through the present partnership job description, including all responsibilities that your current partner does well, as well as those that could use improvement. Then ask yourself how your possible partner meets these same standards and compare his score to your husband’s. Remember, this is not about the intensity of your feelings but about his ability to work with you, be financially responsible, reliable, disciplined, and a good parent. Then you’re ready to make decisions that aren’t based on longing but on what’s good for you and your family in the long term.
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 13, 2017
Yearning is the bastard child of love and frustrated need; both emotions promise happiness if only you can spend more time with whomever or whatever it is you yearn for, but their emotional spawn is less a miracle than something that’s usually shameful, illegitimate, and not discussed in mixed company. That’s because most people you yearn for are out of reach for good reason; if a love is forbidden, then getting what you yearn for is rarely good for you, better than what you’ve got, or likely to make you a better person. So persistent yearning isn’t a sign of true love; it’s a sign that you’ve got the beginnings of an addiction and should use all your experience, wisdom, and proven techniques to evaluate whether it’s worth trying to satisfy or avoid in order to escape shame, social or otherwise.
-Dr. Lastname
I have a good life, especially from the outside. I have the most beautiful children and a husband, who, despite his incredibly high levels of anxiety and his sometimes ridiculous temper, loves me and cares for us. The problem is that after almost 20 years of marriage I met a man whom I fell into a meaningful relationship with (although nothing physical ever happened because I knew that was a slippery slope and I made sure not to go there). It’s now been a few years since I told this man that I wasn’t leaving my husband, and while we have occasional contact because of work requirements, we’ve remained professional. The issue is that I cannot truly get over it— I believe he is my soulmate and that this is all just a cruel joke that the world is playing on me. I was fine with never knowing what that kind of love felt like because it was better that way. My goal is to get over this man and to stop feeling sad and sorry for myself.
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