Posted by fxckfeelings on March 15, 2012
People often think the worst kind of craziness leaves you dazed, confused, and mumbling to yourself on the subway, but the truth is that there’s another kind of craziness that’s even worse. With that kind of crazy, you’re still aware of the date, can name the President, and keep a bank account, but you feel broken by the deliberate malice of those you should be able to trust. It feels like a legitimate reaction to life and individual people rather than an illness, but illness it is, and people who have it and those who love them must accept it as such if they’re to get any kind of protection at all from its corrosive effect on relationships and hope. Otherwise, everyone involved will end up feeling as isolated and scared as the ailing, mumbling subway-dwellers.
–Dr. Lastname
My psychiatrist recently told me he thought I was a borderline character disorder, which I know, from looking it up, means I’m an angry, destructive person who is probably not going to get better. What was also upsetting was the fact that the description of a borderline character disorder fit me, because I’ve always had trouble keeping relationships and I tend to cut myself and do other self-destructive things when I’m feeling low, which is most of the time. My goal is to feel better, and now I feel hopeless. The question is, am I really hopeless?
The fact that you’re asking that question, instead of hating the evil system of mental health clinicians for destroying your self-esteem by giving you a vicious label, shows that you’re not as hopeless as you think.
You have a good ability to see things positively and clearly, even when your feelings are entirely negative. That’s essential to managing the temperament and habits of a borderline personality (or almost any negative personality trait). That and admitting you have a problem in the first place. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 8, 2012
On the pie chart of what goes into a healthy relationship, sex should never be the biggest slice; that’s putting the most emphasis on the one element of a relationship over which people have the least control. Besides, the fact that it can ignite all your circuits or trigger vast yearnings doesn’t mean it will find you, or make you, a good long-term partner. If your partner is loyal, caring, and reliable, then how frequently you get a piece shouldn’t take the biggest piece of the pie.
–Dr. Lastname
My 34-year-old husband is a wonderful, sexy, kind, sensitive, clever man. Fourteen years ago, however, he had a severe meth addiction that got him in jail. After ten years sober, he started drinking a few years ago, but, having worked in the addiction field, I don’t think the drinking is an issue at all, though I do think the meth has really screwed with this head. What he does have an issue with is intimacy and sex. We have a wonderful relationship so we’ve talked extensively about the problems we have—erectile dysfunction. He says that the meth fucked with his head sexually, and that it made it very difficult for him to have “normal,” i.e., non-aggressive sex. Before me, he found sex fine with women he was not emotionally connected with, but as soon as feelings came in, the sex became more difficult. Early in our relationship, sex wasn’t an issue, but as soon as we got engaged, and then married—it became very difficult. He’s warm and loving, and doesn’t want to be ‘aggressive’ with me, which means he can rarely get it up. We kiss and touch a lot, but it’s getting harder and harder to deal with; I feel rejected, he doesn’t feel like a good husband or a ‘real’ man, though I tell him every day how much I love him. When we do manage to have sex, it’s beautiful, but he rarely comes, and is rarely hard all the way through, and it’s infrequent. I definitely think it’s a psychological issue, and so does he. He talks about feeling massive anxiety and pressure that he will lose me, and this makes the problem worse. It seems this combination of our (new) marriage, his lousy job, and his past is putting a huge psychological pressure on him. I’m not sure what to do—do we go to therapy together? Him alone? What kind of therapist? How do I deal with this? I’ve been endlessly patient, I’ve snapped and lost my temper, I’ve reassured him, I’ve cried. I love him so much and I want to help him and us, and also make sure that I deal with it right.
The trouble with trying to fix sexuality by understanding its psychological underpinnings is that it turns an inability to perform into a personal failure. As we always say, figuring why something’s wrong isn’t the same as figuring out how to make it right.
Sex aside, you get along well with your husband, who seems like a hardworking guy with the strength of character to stick with a job he doesn’t like and stay off drugs. You feel respect and affection for one another. So far, so good.
In other words, you have a good marriage, even if he doesn’t have a lot of orgasms. Your relationship has the important stuff, so don’t give sex any more importance than necessary. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 5, 2012
Co-worker Counseling
As anyone who’s done time in a cubicle knows, co-workers often give and take well-intentioned advice in order to make the team work better and/or save one another trouble. The problem is that giving unsolicited advice, no matter how well-intentioned, and regardless of the context, is as tricky as defusing a bomb; one wrong word or movement and you’re dodging fall-out for weeks. So, if the advice you want to give seems personal or targets a weakness about which someone is sensitive, it’s more likely to damage relationships that, since work is work, are inescapable. Don’t think of giving advice, or reacting to it, until you’ve found a way to take out the sting and remove any implication of personal failing. You can do it, but only if you’re willing to keep your deeper feelings to yourself (and/or keep your eye out for a new place to work).
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know how to respond to a co-worker of mine, who has always looked down on me for being sloppy. I’m not the best lab-tech in the world, but I’ve been doing it for years and I’m pretty good (my boss agrees). This particular colleague, however, is gung-ho about improvement and peer feedback and he started up this self-rating program that identified neatness as a positive value for good work. Now he wants to help me be neat to improve my work (his words!) and I want to take my fingers and shove them up his nose. My goal is to respond appropriately.
Most people feel responsible for their weaknesses, particularly one like sloppiness, which seems voluntary and controllable. As a result of this mistaken point of view, slobs, like the overweight and the flakey, live in a (messy) world of shame.
After all, they’ve heard from parents and teachers how much more they could achieve if they would take neatness seriously and accept help in improving themselves, tried to take that advice seriously…and kept cluttering all the same. So no wonder you feel like dumping garbage all over your colleague’s neatness parade. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 1, 2012
A serious trauma will change the way you see the world, but if you’re not careful, it will also try to change your very beliefs by distorting your feelings and perceptions. You can’t prevent it from causing depression, anxiety, and lots of fear, but if you know what matters in your life and are determined to continue on your course, you can stop it from affecting your beliefs and drawing you into vicious cycles of isolation, conflict, and more trauma. Trauma is random and meaningless; your job is to give meaning to the part of yourself that endures it and still believes you can make the world a better place.
–Dr. Lastname
After a dark couple of years fighting off my worst bout of depression, anxiety and PTSD from a bad sexual assault (aren’t they all!) last year finally saw the fog lift and for me to really get back into my creative work which is now doing really well. I met a guy a few months ago. He is the first man that makes we want to really tackle some of my man issues, so I can really connect in an emotional and sexual way with him. We haven’t been intimate yet as I have been traveling for work, but I am returning soon. I cannot wait to see him, we talk every day and we really do have a special bond already. He has commented on my ‘aloofness’ at times and my ‘shutting down’. I don’t want him to think I don’t care about him, or that it is his fault. For the first time ever, I am considering telling him about the assault (I have never told a partner before) but I worry that it would be too big for him to handle, or that he would treat me differently, either like I’m a fragile victim or that I’m damaged goods. I don’t want or need a rescuer. My goal is to make a decision that would not only benefit me but us as a couple.
When deciding whether to tell a new friend about your abuse, what’s important isn’t whether you tell, but how. You never, ever want trauma to define you; it’s what you do with it that counts.
Post-trauma depression can leave you with hopeless thoughts about your inability to trust or be happy again. It tempts you to regard moments of anxiety and withdrawal in a new relationship, not as normal new relationship jitters, but as evidence of permanent damage and an incapacity to relate.
What you know, however, is that you’ve survived those fears and reflexes while going on with your life and taking the risk of getting close to someone new. They won’t stop you (unless you happen to pair up with a guy who can’t stand occasional depression and aloofness, in which case, he’d be better off with a robot).
So, if you haven’t let being a trauma victim hold you back so far, don’t treat yourself like one now. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 23, 2012
Mental illness, much like the devil, performs its greatest trick when it convinces the sufferer it doesn’t exist. That’s why some sick people don’t believe they’re sick, because they’re too sick to know, while others fall into denial rather than admit they don’t have control and can’t get it. If that includes you, don’t worry; you can force yourself to become objective as long as you’re willing to accept whatever unpleasant evidence you uncover. If it’s a matter of a deluded brain, however, you can’t recover without relying on the kindness and common sense of family and strangers to deliver you from evil.
–Dr. Lastname
I believe what started out as typical empty nest syndrome has turned into complete paralysis. I’m literally stuck in my own nest! I know it’s strictly up to me to get myself launched, but I’ve lost all confidence in my ability to go/do/be well, anything. I think it’s more than simply “get a hobby.” I’ve come to the sad reality that my “friends” were really more like “bleacher/booster buddies” from all of my kid’s activities over the years, and now I find myself without any close friends, and no real interests. I was a stay at home mom (by choice) and had always planned to get back into the workforce once my kids got older, but MS sidelined those plans, and keeps me pretty challenged nowadays. I know I need to get myself back in the game, but my list of excuses as to why this is impossible only grows over time. I’m not always mobile, I’m not confident about how I look, and I just feel like I’m boring and have nothing to offer anyone. Since I’m already assuming nobody’s going to like me, maybe I should just go eat some worms…but of course that would require a trip out my nest, and…well, I guess you get the whole “woe is me” picture. I cannot figure out where to begin to ever break this cycle of negativity. Can you help me hatch a better plan than the useless one I’m currently sitting on?
Anyone can get into a rut, but multiple sclerosis makes it much, much harder to get yourself out. You might not realize this, but your empty nest is actually more of a sick bed.
MS not only makes you doubt your stamina and physical balance, it also frequently makes your emotions more intense, particularly the negative ones that tell you you’re useless and lacking in courage.
So, when your mind tells you that you have no friends and nothing to offer, that’s the MS and depression talking. Of course, it would be easier to tune it out if there were other voices to help you do so, but the negative thoughts keep you from seeking out new company, and so the rut deepens. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 16, 2012
More often than not, being nice isn’t. It can get you focused on doing good for other not-quite-so-nice people who will never be able to return the favor, or on cleaning up impossible messes, instead of focusing on the larger, more important goals that go beyond good gestures towards common sense. Be nice if you must, but remember that you have other goals, one of which is knowing when you have to be cruel to be kind.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stop thinking about my wife’s lack of support. I’ve supported her in everything she wanted to do, whether it was getting a professional degree or going away for a week to study photography, but now I’m the one who wants to go back to school part-time to get a special ed certificate, and she’s hemming and hawing about how we don’t have the money. I’ve done the budget, and we can get by while I’m in school, and the degree will pay off, but she’s very cool to the idea. I want her to see how unreasonable she’s being and how unfair this is after all I’ve done for her.
There’s nothing wrong with being a giving, loving partner, as long as you don’t expect the world to treat you fairly. And the world includes your wife.
Few people are nice and giving all the time. Even worse, no matter how nice you are to those around you, there are lots of people who don’t give a shit about your generosity, are teflon when it comes to good will, and are never going to be nice, period. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 2, 2012
The fact that treatment is seldom as good as we want or need it to be isn’t so bad. If we can’t always make things better with treatment, and we’re willing to accept that fact, we’re no longer burdened with responsibility for figuring out answers and making things better in the first place. Our real job isn’t finding a perfect cure for what ails us, but figuring out whether treatment is better than no treatment. And if treatment only does so much, we can take credit for whatever we do to manage the hopeless mess that’s left for the rest of our not-so-bad lives.
–Dr. Lastname
My 15-year-old son needs treatment for his irritability. He gets unbelievably angry over small things, to the point that he ups and goes to his room. He agrees that things are basically OK and he’s sorry afterwards, but it happens at least once a week. We have a happy home and he has friends in school and gets good grades. I think it’s his mood that’s the problem and it causes him and our family a lot of pain. My goal is to figure out how to get him some help with psychotherapy and/or medication.
Just because someone’s in pain doesn’t mean he needs help. Pain is just part of the complete life package, along with joy, hunger, death, etc.
Of course, you’ve got less to lose and more to gain from treatment if his irritability has caused bruised knuckles, broken sheetrock, and a growing familiarity with your local police. Pain is a normal part of life, but serving life in prison isn’t.
What you’re saying, however, is that, aside from his verbal explosions, he remains in physical control, does self-motivated time-outs, retains good relationships, and has no trouble focusing on work and getting it done. No pill could improve upon that. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 19, 2012
Sometimes, when you most need friendship, neediness messes it up. Maybe it’s a need for the wrong kind of person or for the wrong kinds of intimacy that are very satisfying in the short run and explode later. Ultimately, friendship isn’t the answer to your needs, but managing your needs will give you a good friendship.
–Dr. Lastname
I have always had a problem with keeping friendships because of moving too much, anxiety, and some other reasons. Almost every friend that has come into my life seems to be very needy and I tend to become anti-social when this happens. My current best friend has showed many signs of being very clingy and a bit controlling; she buys me things when she knows I am busy just so she can hang out with me, she calls me frequently even though she knows I dislike talking on the phone, she is demanding and apologetic at the same time. I am confused on what to do because she is always there for me and I can’t always be there for her. Lately, I have been having so much negative feelings about her that I don’t want to work on the relationship and this is exactly my problem—I lose people because I let my feelings get in the way. Maybe I am not finding the right people to hang out with? I mean we have so much in common, but that might be the problem because we both have severe anxiety and what we hate about life seems to be all we talk about, so it’s just negative energy most of the time. I will admit I am selfish and should be more thankful that I have someone that understands me and is there for me, but I guess I am too unhappy in my life and unhappy with myself to be appreciative of the goodness in others. It’s something I would like to work on, but I don’t even know where to begin.
Whatever draws people into relationships– neediness, sex, an encyclopedic knowledge of “Law & Order”—it isn’t necessarily good for you. When you’re operating on instinct, you stop thinking.
It sounds like you’ve got a good idea of what’s good for you, and it’s a friendship that discourages whining and encourages breathing room and independence. Nevertheless, you give in to the pull of your instinctive need for needy, whiny friends.
Once you give in, you’re stuck. You like the close attention and some of the intimacy, but you also don’t like the high demands and expectations, so you want to pull away. That leaves you guilty, lonely, and more in need of a needy friend. The shitty friendship cycle remains unbroken. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 16, 2012
No one ever totally controls art or business, which doesn’t stop artists and professionals from being control freaks who rate themselves by their results. The difference between them is that a businessperson with poor results usually still gets paid, while an artist who produces bad art, or good art in a bad market, doesn’t. No matter what one’s field, all anyone can do is keep working, because the only way you can guarantee shitty results is by giving up work entirely.
–Dr. Lastname
Like a lot of artists, I don’t think I’m good at anything else. I’ve been “the arty one” since I can remember, I went to art school on a scholarship, and I’ve gotten illustration work pretty steadily since then. Ever since my last job, however, I’ve started to wonder if I’ve lost it somehow. I got a steady gig in a graphic design department, and at first, I totally got along with my co-workers and we seemed to share a sensibility. Then, for some reason—maybe it’s my age (I was the youngest one), the new department head, an off-the-mark project I completed, I don’t know—the group consensus turned on me and I was treated like an untalented hack for the first time in my life. I’ve never dealt with this before, and I still don’t get it, because the higher-ups were still pleased with my work even if my peers decided it sucked, and I was always nice to everyone. The only thing that did happen was that I started to doubt my ideas more, because every time I’d come up with something I’d immediately think of all the reasons my co-workers would hate it. After a few months of this, I couldn’t take it anymore, so when a college friend told me there was an opening at his work, I jumped on it. The problem is that I still can’t get that negativity and doubt out of my head—maybe I am a hack, after all—and I’m terrified of starting this new job and either not coming up with anything good or not coming up with anything period until eventually I can’t get a job at all. I’m not good at anything else, but what if I’m not good at design anymore, either? My goal is to get my mojo back (or at least get these assholes out of my brain).
One of the curses of being talented, in arts or sports, is that talent becomes the heart of your self-esteem. Talent and ego have a flawed-yet-symbiotic relationship.
It’s particularly true if, like many talented people, you’re actually not so hot at doing other things. It’s as if your talent takes up extra brain-space, crowding out room for the basics and leaving you both gifted and klutzy, brilliant and ADD, hyper-capable and totally incompetent.
Other people might tell you that you’re good at other things, but those other people are wrong; they don’t have or understand an artistic mind. They had to decide on a career, whereas you probably felt like you didn’t have a choice. They also probably have health insurance. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 9, 2012
Horrible thoughts and feelings are supposed to make you feel as if there’s something horribly wrong, and there is, but it’s not necessarily with you. Even when your brain is giving you strange signals and your mood is in the pits, you’re the same old person with the same old values. Judge yourself by what you do with symptoms of mental illness, not by the way they make you feel or think, and you will never have reason to doubt yourself or despair.
–Dr. Lastname
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anorexia nervosa purging type a few years ago. Both of these issues had pretty much consumed my life during the years leading up to that diagnosis and have continued to be impairing ever since. I started cutting myself two years ago (it has become more frequent this past year), and I’ve had several panic attacks in the past several months. Fortunately, my overwhelming desire to commit suicide has subsided, although I still think of suicide and my death in general fairly often. In addition to my own issues, I have watched my mom slip into a state of psychosis during the past two years, triggered by the death of her father. She has become so depressed, delusional, and violent that my parents separated and sometimes I don’t even feel safe staying in the house with her—a few weeks ago my dad and I had to stop her from going through with a suicide attempt. The police were called, and I had to hold her arms down while she was clearly in a psychotic rage. At one point, she tried to stab my hand to make me let go. She was taken to a mental health facility where she stayed for a week, and now she’s furious at us for making her go there and hasn’t been much better since then. I feel like I never get anywhere with therapists because they just prescribe medicines that make me feel numb to any emotions or focus on my eating disorder so much that I never get to work through these other issues. I feel like my life is unraveling and it’s gotten so bad that, honestly, I don’t feel like I even want to fix it. My goal in telling you this is to figure out a way to help my mom and how to get through school while I’m dealing with this.
It may seem strange to hear this, for someone who suffers as much as you do from depression, anorexia, and the burdens of taking care of a very sick mother, but I think you’re doing an amazing job.
Yes, you’re chin-deep in shit, but you haven’t drowned, and that’s a remarkable accomplishment.
Your depression hasn’t made you hate people or blame them, and your anorexia hasn’t caused you to pretend you’re not sick, so you must have a solid hold on reality. There you are, with all your pain, finding the love to help your mother and the energy to go on with your studies. You’ve got good values and a big soul. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
